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Volume 2, Issue 6 4/12/12 - 5/3/12
F giv ree.. ing .lik th e t at he com un pan paid y t labo his r y su ou’r mm e er.
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FSU Crime Alert: Triple Stabbing in Wildwood Hall J.N. Bordonaba wrote this This message has been approved by Detective Robert Goren, sole member of Tallahassee Police’s Major Case Squad, for distribution to all current students, faculty, and staff. On March 29, 2012, around 3:12 p.m., the Florida State University Police Department responded to a reported triple stabbing in Wildwood Hall. Upon arrival, police discovered that the three victims were also the responsible parties. Police believe, based on witness accounts and evidence found at the crime scene, that the incident began as a dispute between two FSU students and a third individual. According to police, the two students seemed to have spent several days abusing drugs and watching the television series The Wire and Oz prior to the incident. At some point during those days, the students decided to consult the expertise of an actual convicted criminal, and acquired one through the classifieds available on the website, Craigslist. This convict arrived at Wildwood Hall on Thursday morning to teach the students how to make “shivs.” At some point after making the shivs, the three got into an argument; witnesses in a nearby dorm claim to have overheard something about someone named “Stringer.” Police believe that the altercation that erupted was of a rare Reservoir Dogs variety, where each victim managed to stab another, though not fatally. Other Wildwood residents heard the commotion and notified authorities. All three victims were transported to Tallahassee Memorial Hospital, where they are expected to make a full recovery. The convict’s identity has yet to be revealed, as the individual possesses no form of identification, and the students’ names are being withheld; police are only identifying them as “incredibly stupid.” *UPDATE* Upon arrival at the hospital, the three were separated. The convict, who received the least amount of damage (presumably due to a combination of street smarts and survival skills learned in prison), was put in an unsupervised care unit and promptly escaped. Police believe the convict accomplished this by disguising himself as a hospital employee, though he was still connected to an IV. After police responded to the scene, a very vague FSU Alert was sent to all students, faculty, and staff on campus that read: FSU ALERT! Triple stabbing at Wildwood! Run for your lives! This message was ignored by everyone on campus. Several student joggers were struck by vehicles while running on West Jefferson Street; authorities have credited these unrelated accidents to rush hour traffic and runner recklessness. Another FSU Alert was promptly sent out reporting that all was clear, and campus robberies resumed as usual.
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*UPDATE UPDATE* One of the student victims has died after being attacked with a pointed weapon fashioned out of a spork. Police believe a hospital employee, or a convict disguised as a hospital employee, is responsible. Detective Robert Goren would like students, faculty, and staff to take note of some preventative measures they can take to avoid another violent incident on campus: 1. Do not solicit strangers on the internet. This should be a given, yes? We all know that the internet is full of danger
Too smart and too green, those bastards. see page 4
The Five Most Annoying Classmates
ous and mentally deranged people—after all, we use it, don’t we? 2. Report suspicious behavior. In Tallahassee and on campus, yes, this can be difficult, but use your judgment. 3. Weapons are never allowed on campus. Even homemade ones. 4. Never go outside by yourself. Especially if you’re a woman. 5. Don’t be a hero. Just run. 6. As a rule of thumb, don’t wear a hoodie. Ever.
Eating pasta with your dumbass? Get outta here! see page 15
Do you really believe everything the media feeds you?
see page 6
Fony 2012
Where is Ke$ha Now?!
Table of > > > PAGE 05>>>
It’s Summer Fashion!!!
PAGE 06>>
The Top Ten
page 7 >>
From the Streets
page 12 >>
America’s Most Douchey
page 13 >>
Barista of the Issue
contents
Aw hell yeah, we can smell the Canadian tuxedo’s from over here.
5
Things George Zimmerman is Doing in His Free Time.
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The alarming disappearance of a fat-come-recently-fit person amongst their group of fat loser friends. Pat’s absduction was swift, after he lost weight he spent much more time in pussy than in the gaming room.
04
the Five Most Annoying CLASSMATes
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Cassandra Welch WROTE THIS It’s always something subtle: the slightly nasal timbre of her voice; the rhythmic rumbling of his sneakers as they brace on the legs of your chair; the excessive brightness of her laptop screen as she surfs Facebook in a darkened classroom. Whatever it is that makes you hate some of your classmates, it will make your hatred grow exponentially as the semester drags on. Now that we’re in the spring semester’s death throes, the minor annoyances are starting to boil over. The Question Asker: The teacher’s bitch, these students normally sit in the front of the class. Before any class starts, they swarm the professor and question the material from the day before, or worse, the material for next Wednesday. Sometimes they make up questions on a whim just to hear their own obnoxious voices. Now during class, they seem to stop the professor after every sentence just to clarify what he already stated. The seats around them are vacant since every student absolutely hates them. Classes only tend to be 50 minutes long, but with one of these people in it, the lectures end up being a total of 25 minutes, and the rest gets wasted on endless, mindless questions. The Question Answerer: Next to some askers are their own personal question answerers. “Sir, you said that the answer was 25, correct?” the asker inquires as the class lets out a collective eyeroll. And the answerer whispers in their ear the “correct” solution. Sometimes they may be right, but 95% of the time they should just shut up. They make an ass of themselves
every day, but they don’t give a shit. Even the question asker becomes annoyed. The Obnoxious Groups: You guys know what I’m talking about. The chicks and bros that always end up sitting together in classes. “Hey bro, I don’t remember shit from last night. What the hell happened?” Apparently this is supposed to get the babes to hit on them, but this just might be the dumbest approach ever. In big lectures, they all sit at the top so they can gossip about the night before. If you actually plan on learning something that day, you’re in for a disappointment. All you will get out of that class is the full scoop about how Chad did a keg stand and then landed up in bed with two girls. Also, that you apparently have a big assignment due next class that you’re just now managing to hear about over their tales of intoxicated “awesomeness.” The Noise Makers: This category can range from the gum poppers to pencil tappers. Or foot shakers to food eaters. In my book, the gum poppers are the worst—right above paper cuts and below stupid pedestrians on Tennessee Street on the scale of annoyingness. They were probably raised on a farm, because the way they chew their gum is a lot like how cows chew grass. And if there is any silence at whatsoever, they think that it’s the perfect time for Mission: Snap Gum. The pencil taps come in as a close second. Oh, you want to become a drummer after you drop out of college? Yeah, keep your day job, buddy.
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The Go-Greeners: It’s hard to tell what kind of student this is until you actually sit next to them. They smell like they just went dumpster diving, and then swam in a vat of dog shit. The answer they normally give on why they smell so bad is, “Oh, I’m trying to save water to help out the environment.” Hey, if you take a shower, at least your stench will stop drilling holes in the ozone layer. These students can be hipsters who don’t shave, or even a broke-ass guy who really has no money. At least the broke-ass guy has an excuse (although FYI you could always snag a free shower at the Leach). Ugh, hippies are the worst. With summer just ahead, you’ll be devoid of these mild annoyances for several months. On the bright side, they’ll be replaced by annoying coworkers that you have to handle for three months. Hey, at least they’re paying you.
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It’s Summertime Fashion!!! Ashley Romano wrote this
Don’t waste money on Vogue’s March issue; you can get all the spring fashion help you need right here! Why bother with a hundred pages of unaffordable clothing advertisements? Here at The Black Sheep, we are dedicated to giving you advice on this season’s trendiest threads. Follow these quick tips, and you’ll be looking hot for summer. The first thing every fashionista (or fashionisto) must do is buy everything at Forever 21. There’s a reason why there’s one located in every city! There’s no need to trudge through all of the racks— everything, and I mean everything, in the store is perfection. Try to stock up on timeless options like sequins and floral prints (a combination of both would be even better, and we’ll hit the neon colors later on!). You shouldn’t have any doubts in this store; everything will look great on the hanger, and even better on you! The denim suit is in. Whoever says denim on denim is a fashion faux pas, I say is wrong! Forget little black dresses—the Canadian suit is that timeless piece everyone needs in their wardrobe. The closercolor denims the better. I’m talking about dark on dark, or light on light. The goal is to make it actually look like a suit. Sure you can mix and match washes, but who is going to take you seriously? When summer comes, so does the hot weather, so it’s only natural to wear clothing that you feel comfortable in. See-through shirts (mesh and chiffon) are a great way to be cool and look good this spring. There’s no need to wear an undershirt—that defeats the whole purpose. Make sure you have a
nice bra underneath (preferably Victoria’s Secret Pink) because you want everyone to see your unmentionables. How else will everyone see that bra you shelled out 50 bucks for? Wear as many neon colors as possible. The goal is to get people to look past your insecurities and focus on the amount of brightness you’re donning from head to toe. You won’t even have to worry about makeup or hair as much, because everyone will be blinded by the flaming yellow that is your shirt. Ever have the urge to be the center of attention? Then this look is right for you. People won’t be able to keep their eyes off of you! They’ll be able to see you no matter where you go. If you do it right, you might even burn the image of your shirt into their retinas for life! Speaking of being comfortable but looking good, I have two words: short shorts. Better yet, just wear bathing suit bottoms. It gets hot in the summer, and that’s just nature telling you to wear as little as possible. Who cares if people can see your butt cheeks? Showing off your cheeks just means you’re confident! Follow these tips and everyone will be asking where you got that outfit, or at least wondering with envy. Don’t forget, ladies, you should always wear your pumps (neon would be great!) and have your hair and makeup done like you’re going to prom. You’ll be the talk of campus! So, what are you waiting for? Mosey on over to the mall and clear out all those shelves at Forever 21. YOLO!
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06
www.theblacksheeponline.com THe top ten Things George Zimmerman Is Doing in His Free Time
FONY 2012 Rachel Young wrote this Not much is known about Joseph Kony except that he is an asshole. I first learned about this mysterious man when my best friend, Facebook, alerted me that “3 friends are currently talking about Joseph Kony.” I scoffed. As a college student, I am perpetually surrounded by those who take activism to heart. Only when the number of my friends talking about it increased to 15 and 16 did I take the time out of my oh-so busy schedule to become one with the activists.
There are millions of Super Douches walking around freely in many forms: club bouncers, law enforcement, and, in the case of George Zimmerman, head honchos of a local neighborhood watch. They could be anywhere, at any time, awaiting a fateful encounter with an unsuspecting, perfectly reasonable human being. A happenstance meeting with someone plagued with full-blown, grade “A,” assholedouche tendencies can result in anything from a traffic ticket, to way too much Mayo on a footlong, or, possibly, losing a life. After racially profiling and killing an unarmed teen in Suburbia, USA, and subsequently not getting arrested, there are only so many things that a crazy douche of this magnitude could be up to.
I watched the video, and like most of the people my age, I was transfixed. I couldn’t even sleep that night because the sounds of that child crying echoed in my subconscious. Suddenly, everything I did was for Africa—except wear my diamond necklace. Not even the most incredibly effective rhetoric on cruelty and slavery could make me forsake my expertly-mined diamonds.
10) Continuing His Legacy: As he hides in his living room from the hordes of people waiting to kick his ass, he’s alerted the authorities that an unidentified black male has been snooping around, stopping by each house and walking onto their property. Problem is, it’s the damn mailman. This guy clearly enjoys annoying the living fuck out of people for no reason, as do most paranoid pricks. It’s something similar to “Mall Security Ego-Syndrome.” He has 911 on speed dial, so he can alert local law enforcement of notorious jaywalkers.
And then the co-founder of Invisible Children, the face of the KONY 2012 video, was detained for beating the cement with his bare fists, naked, in San Diego. Critiques littered the internet and I was disgusted. “You all just don’t understand. You’re too preoccupied with material concerns to even grasp the situation!” I barked “This is about more than the Unites States and cultural borders, it’s about HUMANITY!” Amid my tears, I came to a realization—I had to find out the truth for myself. I needed to travel to Uganda and find Mr. Joseph Kony. If not to see if the crimes he was committing were actually how they were portrayed, to ask him how he kept his skin so unbelievably smooth. I arrived in Uganda 7,754.7 miles later, and boy were my arms tired. I quickly found myself in an African bazaar, with tons of women in brightly colored patterns and woven baskets on their heads screaming at me to try some of their products. I said, “No, I’m on a mission to find Joseph Kony, but I would love to try some of your ostrich eggs on my way back.” I found myself lost in the Sahara, and after I almost died of thirst I stumbled upon a pack of lionesses. They carried me on their backs to the village where Kony lived. After traveling almost the entire continent of Africa in one day, I was a little weary and ended up passing out before I could even stand up to greet the group of women who met me. As I woke, my vision came into focus. I looked up and saw that the person reviving me was none other than Joseph Kony, my sole reason for visiting Africa. Startled, I jumped up, but he just sat back and laughed. “I bet you have a couple questions to ask me—apparently I am very famous now in America,” Kony said with a smile plastered on his face. He seemed happy that I was alive, and not in the least concerned that I was an American who genuinely wanted him indicted by the ICC. “Aren’t you supposed to be in hiding?” I stammered. “No,” he chuckled, “I never had been in hiding. In fact,
most people in Uganda know just where to find me. Americans do not know where I am because to white people, how do you say, most black people have similar appearances?” I stopped to think. It is often said that to most white folk, most black people look alike. But I never thought this phenomenon would prevent us from locating one of the world’s world war criminals. “Wait, people in Africa don’t hate you? What you do is awful!” Kony let out a hearty laugh. “Oh, I have been getting kind of a bad reputation lately… But no. I don’t like to think what I do is bad. Would you like to see what I do?” I nodded feverishly, and he led me out a back door into a lush landscape of watering holes and palms trees. Everywhere I looked there were little children. Some were grooming animals and some were playfully wrestling with each other. Others brandished weapons, but all were laughing and happy. I was astonished. “I do not abduct children—I take them from abusive parents who refuse to give them up. They live a better life with me than they would have at their homes. In Uganda, our foster care system is not necessarily ‘advanced,’ which leaves the task up to vigilantes.” His eloquence surprised me. “I take them here where I have formed a coalition to protect endangered wildlife from poaching. Many of these children have told me that I give their lives purpose.” And just as he said that, two ten-year olds ran by, kicking a soccer ball back and forth. Kony waved endearingly at them, and they waved back. The love between them was palpable. “But, what about forcing them to murder their parents and selling the girls as sex slaves and, and…” I was completely thrown by this reversal of good and bad. Joseph laughed and placed his hand gingerly on my shoulder. “Do you really believe everything the media tells you?” Profoundly happy, I walked back to the bazaar where I eagerly tasted their ostrich egg and even helped these ladies carry baskets of water back to their huts. With April 20th approaching, I knew no one would believe my story. As the war between the Invisible Children and the critics raged on, I was able to sit back and know, truthfully, that Joseph Kony is an okay guy.
9) Bulking up for the Big House: Once locked up, he faces a life dodging large gangs of really buff black men and come shower time; Zimmerman will need to develop impeccable strength and cat-like reflexes. A grown man who would want to whip some ass would use something like Bowflex to train—like Chuck Norris does. Not surprisingly, Zimmerman goes with Richard Simmons’ Disco Sweat instead. 8) Wearing a Hoodie: While he goes about his daily life, Zimmerman sports a hoodie without thinking twice about it. I don’t blame him; hoodies provide instant warmth and coziness with an easy-to-wear, innovative design, and also provide protective head coverage in rainy or windy climates. Of course, that’s only if you’re white. This isn’t the case, however, for black people because they don’t get cold; they only wear hoodies when participating in illegal activities. 7) Staying Connected: Changing his Facebook status to: “My bad. *Kanye Shrug*” 6) Jamming Out: After a hard day of couch surfing and “Disco Sweating,” Zimmerman loves to crawl into his water bed and put on his headphones, falling asleep to the soothing tunes of Nickelback—his favorite band. Douchey people like douchey bands. 5) Catching the Latest Flicks: Public ridicule and hatred from millions of strangers can really take a toll on someone. That’s why Zimmerman is headed to the movies for some much-needed relaxation. His film choice? Titanic 3D. He’s really hoping for a rendition of other tragedies, like Roots and Schindler’s List, to be re-released in 3D. 4) Being Creepy: Since his ex-fiancé has a restraining order against him (true story—Google that shit), all signs lead to Zimmerman sitting outside of her house, tapping her phone. He also tightly holds a lock of hair he snipped off of her head while she was sleeping. 3) Being Creepier: Zimmerman was recently quoted as ranking From Justin to Kelly as his favorite movie of all time (okay, don’t Google that). He probably enjoys long afternoons of re-enacting the music and dance scenes in his living room. 2) Keepin’ it Casual: After killing someone and not getting arrested for it, most people would high-tail it to Mexico, but not Zimmerman. He likes wrapping up in his Forever Lazy while watching Toddlers and Tiaras on his grandmother’s couch. 1) Channel Surfing: One of Zimmerman’s favorite not-so-guilty pleasures is replaying Sarah McLachlan’s animal cruelty commercials over and over, while laughing hysterically.
carmen dual wrote this
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From 'da Streets If you could party with any celebrity this summer, who would it be with? “There is no one in the world I would rather get trashy with than Lindsay Lohan.” - Blake F.
“It sounds like something I don’t want to do. Unless it was Tina Fey.” - Maria V.
“I’d party with Placido Domingo, that guy’s the balls.” - Alex S.
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Parents say the
Parents—how adorable. Whether they’re obsessed with their iProduct du jour or try to chat you up about the latest episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you can’t help but appreciate how they still try to stay involved in your life. Still, few parents keep up with the ever-evolving musical landscape. With that in mind we decided to email our parents sample lyrics from recently popular songs just to see if they could figure out what was going on. Their unadulterated responses below.
darndest things! Ke$ha- “Tik Tok”
And now the dudes are linin’ up cuz they hear we got swagger But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger I'm talkin’ about errrbody gettin crunk Boys tryn’a touch my junk “This is about some girls thinking they’re hot, checking out the boys who aren’t and dissing the pretenders who are offenders.” “Is swagger a new drink? Why does she have it on her and why is she with Mick Jagger? She has garbage that people want?” “The guys are in a competition like American Idol, wanting to show off their stuff, but they won't be accepted unless they're a certain 'type' - a cookie cutter imitation of what is acceptable. They're all showing
off, doing their best.” “Guys are standing in front of a hot club in NYC because they hear celebs and models are hanging out there. But the girls want nothing to do with 'em unless they're jocks or loaded with dough. The chicks are there to party, boys want some action.” Verdict: The parents do a good job identifying the strong pro-female message in the song, but are oblivious to Ke$ha’s general sluttiness. Having seen Ke$ha, this seems impossible.
LMFAO- “Party Rock Anthem” See I'm a jock (huh) nonstop when we in the spot Booty move weight like she owns the block Where I drank I gots to know Tight jeans, tattoos cause I'm rock and roll Half black half white, domino, Gain the money Oprah Doe! “I think this is about people of mixed ethnicity dancing for money.” “The dude feeling like he has to prove himself. Drinking for courage, playing the part with the clothes, tattoos, etc. He’s trying to please all, white/black, (Oreo) black on the outside - white inside. The woman has money, and she’s using him.” “It’s about a guy dancing with his gal but he likes to mix his music, rock and roll with a little hip hop sprinkled in.”
“He can focus and perform in a bad situation; she can move mountains with her powerful behind. Can't remember a thing about last night. Wearing tight jeans, etc. because they're searching for an identity.” Verdict: Two schools of thought are evident here. First, there are two responses with vaguely racist undertones. Then, there are the older folk who know that this is a party song. They must have watched the Super Bowl this year.
Drake- “The Motto”
Wrist blang, got a condo up in Biscayne Still getting brain from a thang, ain’t shit changed How you feel? how you feel? how you feel? Twenty five sittin’ on 25 mil uhh I’m in the building and I’m feeling myself Rest in peace Mac Dre, I’mma do it for the Bay, okay “It’s about a dude in Miami with a hangover reminiscing about the old rapper Dr. Dre and counting his money.”
ern Florida, not knowing what to feel, sitting on $25 million in illegal money. All this - living in Biscayne Bay - but is it worth the diminished peace of mind?”
“This song is definitely about drug use.”
Verdict: “Still getting brain from a thang” threw off them older kids. Thank god. If they knew what that meant, we’d have to kill ourselves.
“Newly rich but feeling poor, with a condo in south-
owl city - "fireflies" 'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs From ten thousand lightning bugs As they tried to teach me how to dance A foxtrot above my head A sock hop beneath my bed The disco ball is just hanging by a thread The dude is in bed dreaming
“The song is about an animal living in the forest, right? I think an animal is teaching him how to dance in the woods.” “This person is definitely dealing with some drug-induced hallucinations.” “A thousand hugs from lightning bugs refers to blue haired ladies, they remember the foxtrot and sock hop. The
disco ball is hanging from a thread means they also realize their best days have passed.” Verdict: They’re all over the place with this one. Truthfully, we’re also confounded by this song. Lightning bugs don’t tend to reside under one’s bed, so we’re just assuming this guy fell ass-backwards into a catchy chorus.
Black Eyed Peas- “I Gotta Feeling” Let's do it, let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, and do it, and do it, Let's live it up And do it, and do it, and do it, do it, do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it. “This needs no explanation, it’s about sex.” “Why is it all about sex? Do they talk about anything else?” “It’s about good vibes and positive affirmations. “
Verdict: We tricked ‘em real good. We assume that our parents assume that everyone is talking about sex all the time these days. Our suspicions proved correct.
Waka Flocka Flame- “No Hands” Blood want it flacka yea throw it fuck it I don't care. “I have no clue what’s going on here.” “I have no idea.”
Verdict: Neither do we.
the music page
the black sheep interviews:
Shpongle
You’ve never truly felt “shpongled” until you’ve been to one of Shpongle’s unforgettable performances. We got to chat with Simon Posford, half of the brainchild behind the British psychedelic-electronic duo that’s about making awesome music just as much as it’s about trippy visuals and having an amazing experience at the show. The man behind the six-eyed mask talked to us about goals (or lack of them) and their new set The Masquerade, which just embarked on tour in the US. Go online to twistedmusic. com/tours and see when they’re at a venue near you! The Black Sheep: How did you get involved in playing electronic, trance music? Simon Posford: I guess I took a terrible path in my childhood at some point and got involved in a bad lot. I was playing in bands at school and stuff like that, playing at local girls’ schools, which was fun. Then for some stupid reason I choose playing electronic music. TBS: When did you take the leap from making cool electronic music to putting all these psychedelic visuals with it? Simon: If you’re going to DJ these days, you need to put on some kind of show. We do Shpongle with a live a band, which is such a spectacle. We have Brazilian dancers, contortionists in a box, giant florescent Slinkies, not to mention 12 band members on stage. It is psychedelic music and it is mind-expanding stuff, so you need to have a good live show and a good visual show to go with the music.
cd review
out now
m.ward A Wasteland Companion Predictably great chill tunes, man.
M. Ward is a phenomenal singer, songwriter and guitarist who’s been around for over a decade, consistently performing and releasing music, never faltering on his undeniable raw talent. He’s also one half of She & Him with the adorkable Zooey Deschanel, and one quarter of the incredibly talented 2009 folk collaboration, Monsters of Folk. Not to mention his nearly constant touring and various other collaborations throughout the years, that’s a whole hell of a lot of information about a quiet guy from the west coast. A Wasteland Companion is M. Ward’s 8th album, a feat for anyone and especially for someone who’s under 40. At this point in his career, it’s assumed and quite blatant that he’s got his shit down. M. Ward knows exactly who he is, what and how he’s going to play his music, and, perhaps most importantly, what his fans like. That’s not to say that he hasn’t grown as an
artist or become more polished, but if you listen to his discography, it’s all pretty damn similar—acoustic folk music with passionate, relatable lyrics that sometimes make you sad and sometimes give you the chills. The majority of his songs hover around 3 minutes, but often times much less with barely enough time to even get a song rolling. With him, it’s not so much about finding one song that stands out (though it’s happened, obviously), but enjoying everything just as it happens to be. At just under 40-minutes long, A Wasteland Companion is nothing but predictably great M. Ward quintessential folk rock. The first song released was, “The First Time I Ran Away,” a low-key tune with sparse, simple lyrics and subtle guitar—one of the slower and weaker tracks on the album. Some of my favorites, though, are “Me and My Shadow” and “Crawl After You” because they’re two of the
GRADE B
more interesting, stand-out songs on the album. “Crawl After You” is particularly beautiful with a nice piano and violins melodies (and painfully cute lyrics). And, if you listen closely throughout the album, you might just hear Deschanel herself featured in a few of the tracks. Subtly, of course. It’s a damn shame if you haven’t checked M. Ward out by now because he’s definitely worth a listen. But if you’re going to get this album, you’ve got to check out some of his other stuff (Post-War is a personal favorite) too. That way, if any of his songs get a little too slow, you can just go on to the next one (on to the next one). Sounds Like: A shy honeybee drinking lemonade on a bench, by himself. Download: Me and My Shadow, Crawl After You, Primitive Girl Listen to it When: You’re just vibing out, preferably in a hammock or by a lake.
TBS: Last year you performed with The Shpongletron (a huge DJ booth with lights, screens, and video mapped images projected onto 3D images) and this year you’re performing with The Masquerade. What’s that all about? Simon: For The Masquerade we actually built a structure called The Glyph, and it’s sort of like The Shpongletron on steroids. It’s trippier, more mapping, just cooler, more psychedelic, more awesome, and I’m a little bit closer to the crowd. TBS: Why the word ‘shpongle?’ Simon: The word Shpongle came about by my musical partner Raja Ram. He had taken some mind-expanding substance and he was wandering around a festival and he said, “Oh Simon, I’m really shpongled.” It was suppose to be a mix of several words that came out at the same time; spangled, stoned, monged, all these words that he wanted to express all sort of fell out of his mouth into one word, “shpongle.” We got a good laugh and thought that we should probably use it as a band name. After that festival we made our first track, and “Shpongle” was just perfect. TBS: When you started Shpongle, did you have any goals in mind? Simon: We never really had any goals, I sort of like not having goals. If you have your goals and you attain them, then now what? Then you set another goal, and then you make this cycle of boredom. If you don’t make your goals, then you’re in a cycle of disappointment. So, we didn’t really have any plans. All we really wanted to do at the time, and continue to do, is to have fun and make music that we want to listen to, and that’s really all I’ve ever done. I do a show that I want to see and maybe that I want to take drugs to. People that don’t like [drugs] don’t have to, because the show has that similar affect on the brain. TBS: What kind of inspiration do you use for your music and your props? Simon: Everything inspires one, I think you’d have to have a heart of stone and a mind of mush to go through life without being inspired by the universe we live in. You know, the smile of a stranger or the woman you love, or a raindrop making its way slowly down your window. It’s all about having an open mind, then you’re open to these influences - the sheer beauty and joy and love and inspiration that the world has to offer around every single corner. Whether you have to bust that mind open with psychedelic drugs or if you naturally let it open like a lotus flower, then it doesn’t really matter. TBS: Okay, true or false: do you put some sort of hallucinogenic-chemical in the air during your concert to get everyone on the same level? Simon: Wouldn’t that be fantastic? I would love to be able to do that, but it’s probably illegal and I’m barely allowed in this country as it is. That’s the only reason not to do it though! TBS: After your show is all said and done, what’s your beverage of choice? Simon: Alcoholic, vodka and soda. Non-alcoholic, ginger ale or Coke, not water.
UPCOMING RELEASES Bonnie Raitt - Slipstream Counting Crows - Underwater Sunshine
Alabama Shakes - Boys & Girls Taproot - Episodes
Jason Mraz - Love is a Four Letter Word Train - California 37
Neon Trees - Picture Show Yann Tiersen - Skyline
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America’s Most Douchey
evans prater wrote this
The Oxford English Dictionary defines the word “douchebag” as a small syringe having detachable nozzles for fluid injections,used chiefly for vaginal lavage and for enemas. Sounds about right. Walking around campus, flipping through TV channels, and especially at the gym, there are literally millions of these walking syringes, who are just as valuable to the planet as the job they perform (that would be the vaginal lavage part). Naturally, no one here at The Black Sheep is a douchebag. So we’re in a perfect position to do what you only wish you could: make a list of the biggest, most douchey-douches in our fine land of amber waves of grain. Yes, we’re judging you. Hard. 5) Rush Limbaugh: This one is pretty much a given, but no compilation of douchiness is complete without this fuckhead. Known for making blatantly racist and sexist statements lacking basic rules of grammar, education, and concern for the well being of others and our country, anyone with a brain and a heart can’t wait for this douchenozzle to hurry up and die. Most Douchey Moment: Being born. 4) Tiger Woods: What’s more douchey than golf? The people who play it. And especially the ones who are good at it, make ridiculous amounts of money, then screw it all up by slamming some egg flipper at Denny’s. Instead of scrambling some minimum wage slutbag’s eggs, Tiger, why don’t you unscramble your head?
Most Douchey Moment: Winning a golf match. And cheating on your SWEDISH SUPERMODEL WIFE. 3) Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino: Anyone who invests more time in improving their six pack than, say, their brain, qualifies as a walking waste of life. Getting famous by displaying this abominable abdominal obsession on a music network that doesn’t actually play music anymore isn’t too far from being the most laughably douchey way to make money either. Most Douchey Moment: The first episode of whatever that show is. 2) Mitt Romney: Sure he’s incredibly white, incredibly Mormon and incredibly entitled, but so is Ken Jennings, and that guy’s seriously boss. What sets Romney apart is his hypocrisy. This mega-millionaire called out “Nobama” for enjoying a round of golf once in a while. This coming from a man whose pastime of choice is competitive horse riding with his wife. Man imagine the size of douche you’d need for one of them. (We mean the Romneys.) Douchiest Move: Not liking beer. Who doesn’t like beer? 1) Nickelback: I know, they’re not one person, and they’re Canadian, but these guys along with LMFAO have turned our music into the laughing stock of the world. Constantly trying to feign
artistic integrity and musical talent by spraying the world’s ears with a fire hose of douche-filled suckiness, seeing people like this get famous is proof to us there’s definitely no such thing as God. Most Douchey Moment: Getting booed off stage while being pelted with rocks. It’s on YouTube. So, please, make sure you don’t pay any of these people—or any douchebag, for that matter—any attention. They get enough already, and it only feeds their falsely full, toddler-like egos. There is only one way to ensure that you won’t ever become a member of America’s Most Douchey: keep reading The Black Sheep.
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Barista of the Issue
Emily M. atomic coffee
Where are you from?: Tampa What’s the best thing about your job: Definitely the coffee. The food is great too. What’s your favorite drink: Iced Honey Bear I meant alcoholic: I’m not 21 yet. Oh. Do you think you’d be able to make it alcoholic? (Once you’re legal, of course): It shouldn’t be too hard. What’s your dream job?: Hmmm. How should I put this? Forensics and computer investigations.
Sounds tough: Yeah, tough but doable. I definitely don’t want to be serving coffee forever. What are you doing this summer?: Working here and taking classes. Do you secretly go to Starbucks when no one is looking?: Absolutely not. Who’s playing on your iPod?: The Temper Trap and The Smashing Pumpkins Would you rather be an alien or a dinosaur?: A dinosaur. Why?: Because they’re scary!
THE AWESOME SUMMER INDEX
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where is ke$ha now!? Cassandra Welch wrote this
She hasn’t been in the media lately, and hasn’t shown any sign of being in the general public. Where is Ke$ha? At first I tried stalking her, but I just couldn’t keep up with her as she bounced from club to club. All I would find to show I was on the right track was her trail of glitter. I finally decided to call her agent, who set me up with a day I could follow her daily routine. And what a routine it was. 9:00a.m.: I told her from the very start that I was going to take a back seat on her daily life just to see how she prepares for the day and what obstacles she may face. I made myself comfortable on her fuzzy white couch, which had stains I couldn’t distinguish on it; I waited for Ke$ha to wake up. And waited. I decided to make myself some breakfast, but all there was in the fridge was a bottle of Jack and some rotten who-knows-what. Noon: I heard her finally wake up to the sound of her own drunken snore and made my way to her room. I always wondered if she woke up with her untamed mane or if she actually put work into making it look like that. She told me it looked perfect. She then proceeded to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle of Jack. But—oh gosh, is the actually going to brush her teeth with that? Yep, that’s disgusting. Ke$ha told me that’s what inspired one of her songs. I’m guessing her daily routines really do inspire most of her songs. Hey, I guess I’m not one to talk. Girl’s got some awards for that shit. After switching between brushing her teeth with alcohol and taking shots of it, she looks into her wardrobe. She throws on a wrinkled band tee, leopard tights, and some jewelry. Last week, Entertainment Weekly asked her, “What spices up all of your outfits?” She didn’t hesitate and answered, “Honestly? Glitter, it fixes everything. If I smear glitter on my face, you don’t have a choice—you
will be attracted to me.” And boy was she…so wrong. No wonder she landed a permanent spot on Hollywood’s Worst Dressed List. 3:00p.m.: After watching her lip synching debacle on SNL—I’m pretty sure she’s the worst performer they’ve had in 35 years, or at least since Ashlee Simpson—I wanted to know how she got into singing. “Well, you gotta know who to sleep with. Kick em’ to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger.” I didn’t want to tell her that Mick Jagger was almost on his deathbed, because I’m not sure how long she’s been missing for. I also thought it might be rude to point out she never really answered my question. So I stayed silent. Hollywood really is all about the “connections.” 6:00p.m.: “I’m curious to know, Ke$ha, do you have any love interests?” I asked over our dinner of ramen with vodka cream sauce. She laughed and took a few swigs of Captain, “Your love is my drug… I like your beard.” I chalked it up to all of the liquor she’d had. But just in case, Ke$ha, if you were serious... Don’t call me. Please don’t. 9:00p.m.: The day is coming to an end, and shit, I’ve never been more excited to leave someone’s house. At least the day was over for me; she was busy calling up all her friends so they could put “pedicure on our toes, toes” and “try on all our clothes, clothes” for the long night of partying ahead. In summary, all she did was drink, and drink. And yell on the phone at her stylist, saying there aren’t enough animal print clothes in her wardrobe. Oh, and tell me absolutely nothing that I couldn’t pull out of one of her songs. No wonder she hasn’t left her house. Well, if she doesn’t have a face everybody in the whole world can love, at least she can sleep (or black out) at night knowing her mom semi-loves her. Maybe.
Meet The Staff! campus manager Megan Fontaine editorial manager Laura Bradley Advertising ManagerS Stefanie Lipton Austin O’Mahony Ashley Weil distribution manager Evans Prater Writers Stephen Brown Chelsea Onik Ashley Romano Jill Bordonaba Jason Montes Carmen Dual Jessica Green Rachel Young Cassandra Welch
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class tim e
Hey __1__, have you heard of this new music, dubstep? I don’t know how I haven’t heard that shit before, it’s so __2__. Basically, it’s electronic music with these drops, which are instances where the musician makes a noise like two __3__ __4__. Have you heard of __5__? I really __6__ that guy. Last week __7__ asked me to a __8__ concert, so I __9__ went. When we arrived it was pretty obvious everyone was on __10__. There was a girl wearing a shiny __11__ that you could see under her light-up __12__. A guy with hair like a __13__ offered me some __14__, but when I saw his __15__ I was like, “no thanks, man.” So, during the concert this guy was doing this dance, it looked like he was trying to __16__and __17__ at the same time. I had to __18__ him, because he looked like __19__. Later that night some girl __20__on the dance floor. Everyone around her jumped they were so __21__. Eventually the show ended and we all went home, but I had such a __22__ time I couldn’t fall asleep until __23__.
1) Name 2) Adjective 3) Animal 4) Verb 5) Dubstep artist 6) Adjective 7) Name 8) Dubstep artist 9) Adjective 10) Drug 11) Clothing article 12) Clothing
article 13) Clothing article 14) Noun 15) Body part 16) Dance move 17) Dance move 18) Verb 19) Noun 20) Verb 21) Adjective 22) Adjective 23) Time
class tim e
the madlib: a dubstep show
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