The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 2, Issue 6 4/12/12 - 5/3/12
F giv ree.. ing .lik th e t at he com un pan paid y t labo his r y su ou’r mm e er.
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FSU Crime Alert: Triple Stabbing in Wildwood Hall J.N. Bordonaba wrote this This message has been approved by Detective Robert Goren, sole member of Tallahassee Police’s Major Case Squad, for distribution to all current students, faculty, and staff. On March 29, 2012, around 3:12 p.m., the Florida State University Police Department responded to a reported triple stabbing in Wildwood Hall. Upon arrival, police discovered that the three victims were also the responsible parties. Police believe, based on witness accounts and evidence found at the crime scene, that the incident began as a dispute between two FSU students and a third individual. According to police, the two students seemed to have spent several days abusing drugs and watching the television series The Wire and Oz prior to the incident. At some point during those days, the students decided to consult the expertise of an actual convicted criminal, and acquired one through the classifieds available on the website, Craigslist. This convict arrived at Wildwood Hall on Thursday morning to teach the students how to make “shivs.” At some point after making the shivs, the three got into an argument; witnesses in a nearby dorm claim to have overheard something about someone named “Stringer.” Police believe that the altercation that erupted was of a rare Reservoir Dogs variety, where each victim managed to stab another, though not fatally. Other Wildwood residents heard the commotion and notified authorities. All three victims were transported to Tallahassee Memorial Hospital, where they are expected to make a full recovery. The convict’s identity has yet to be revealed, as the individual possesses no form of identification, and the students’ names are being withheld; police are only identifying them as “incredibly stupid.” *UPDATE* Upon arrival at the hospital, the three were separated. The convict, who received the least amount of damage (presumably due to a combination of street smarts and survival skills learned in prison), was put in an unsupervised care unit and promptly escaped. Police believe the convict accomplished this by disguising himself as a hospital employee, though he was still connected to an IV. After police responded to the scene, a very vague FSU Alert was sent to all students, faculty, and staff on campus that read: FSU ALERT! Triple stabbing at Wildwood! Run for your lives! This message was ignored by everyone on campus. Several student joggers were struck by vehicles while running on West Jefferson Street; authorities have credited these unrelated accidents to rush hour traffic and runner recklessness. Another FSU Alert was promptly sent out reporting that all was clear, and campus robberies resumed as usual.
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*UPDATE UPDATE* One of the student victims has died after being attacked with a pointed weapon fashioned out of a spork. Police believe a hospital employee, or a convict disguised as a hospital employee, is responsible. Detective Robert Goren would like students, faculty, and staff to take note of some preventative measures they can take to avoid another violent incident on campus: 1. Do not solicit strangers on the internet. This should be a given, yes? We all know that the internet is full of danger
Too smart and too green, those bastards. see page 4
The Five Most Annoying Classmates
ous and mentally deranged people—after all, we use it, don’t we? 2. Report suspicious behavior. In Tallahassee and on campus, yes, this can be difficult, but use your judgment. 3. Weapons are never allowed on campus. Even homemade ones. 4. Never go outside by yourself. Especially if you’re a woman. 5. Don’t be a hero. Just run. 6. As a rule of thumb, don’t wear a hoodie. Ever.
Eating pasta with your dumbass? Get outta here! see page 15
Do you really believe everything the media feeds you?
see page 6
Fony 2012
Where is Ke$ha Now?!