Georgia - 5/3/12 - v02i05

The Black Sheep

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Volume 2, Issue 5 5/3/12 - 5/17/12

theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_UGA

brah, best summer ever! the black sheep wrote this

Yeah bro, can’t wait for this summer. I’m so done with school it’s not even funny. Dude, you wanna know how done I am with school? I’m so done with school I haven’t even studied for my finals. That’ll show my teachers. Dude, studying is for losers who don’t know what it’s like to party and have a good time. I don’t need that shit in my life. I mean when am I ever gonna need it? Like the other day my teacher was like, “The Pythagorean Theorem is a^2 + b^2 = c^2” I mean who the hell is Pythagorean? More like Py-nevergonnausethisinmylifeorean! Amirite?

Anyway, that’s beside the point. I just wanted to say like, dude, when I come home for summer vacation me n’ you are gonna hang out like every day. We’re gonna be drinkin’, smokin’, havin’ sex every day. Not with each other, of course.

That would be weird. But no like, I got all these friends from back home, you know, friends from high school. SUPER hot!

We’ll hang out all the time. It’ll be fun, don’t worry. Oh, my parents? Yeah they’re…they’re cool, they just don’t like it when I stay out too late. I can really only stay out until 10 p.m., then I gotta come home and help my mom with the laundry and stuff. Yeah it sucks but whatever man, they raised me so I should appreciate it. Oh, and I can’t hang out like all of June, I’m going with my parents. Yeah my dad’s got a business trip and he wants us all to come with. We’re not going to Knoxville or anything fun like that, it’s actually just this townhome in the suburbs of Memphis.

But yeah dude, July and the beginning of August it will be just you and me. I swear man, we’ll be going to Braves games and partying with chicks. It’ll be just like old times. Oh wait, I forgot to tell you, I got a summer internship. I work from 9a.m. until 5p.m. Monday through Saturday at this dumb place in the Atlanta suburbs. It’s gonna be sweet…but that means that I can’t really hang out all that much while I’m in the internship. I um…well I mean you can come visit sometimes. Actually the company is providing me with lodging and they don’t like guests. So listen, I’m gonna be back for like a weekend sometime and we’ll chill. It’ll be awesome. Saturday and Sunday we’ll just party and go nuts.

Shit, I totally forgot, my dad wants me to help him pick out new shoes on Saturday, and then we’re gonna have some family time that night. Oh, and then Sunday I’m gonna spend the whole day hanging out with my girlfriend. Sorry bro.

We’ll hang out next summer. Izzat cool? I know I said we were gonna have a great summer this year, but listen, I’ll make it up to you. I actually gotta go right now. My mom wants me to come with her to the library to help her read the small text in the books so she can pick out the one with the best font for

her reading. Then she makes me read the books to her. It’s really kind of nonsensical, but I love her, so it all works out.

Hey I forgot to tell you dude! I got 40s! That’s right, the complete collection of the 1940s classical jazz records. These are gonna be great on my drive down to Atlanta every week. I wanted to show you because I know you would appreciate it.

Isn’t this sick dude? I can’t wait for this summer!

DEDICATED TO ALI MISNER OUR EDITORIAL MANAGER AND OUR FRIEND, YOU WILL BE MISSED BY ALL.

Table of > > > PAGE 4>>>

The Top Ten: Fashion Atrocities Seen During Finals Week oh wow, way too many pajamas.

PAGE 4>>

An Open Letter to the Neck Bead

page 5 >>

How to Spot Robots

page 6 >>

9ds Bar: If These Walls Could Talk

page 13 >>

What Guys Expect From Porn

contents 4

You don’t all look like Justin Vernon. Groom yo’self.

These hoes need oil. Get to it.

9d’s Bar celebrates a year of love, life, and puke.

and why it ain’t ever gonna happen, so keep that Cinemax accoun,t boys,

6

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The first 5 right answers win prizes! word of the week >>> Shleprosy

Anal Daze So

Hamster Rash Mall

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: A disease contracted by associating with the awkward and stupid.

“Dan was about to take a girl home until a sudden bout of shleprosy hit when Martin made a bad abortion joke.”

04

THe top ten

Fashion Atrocities Seen During Finals Week 10) Ugg Boots: These atrocities make their comeback during finals after being put away for the winter. To offset the warmth from their fur-engulfed toes, girls find it imperative to wear Uggs with shorts. Around finals you see Uggs with it all: the oversized basketball shorts, cheerleading shorts, the spandex volleyball shorts, and of course, Nike running shorts. Even… capri sweatpants.

9) The Leggings and Shorts Combo: You couldn’t pick one? Layers are for winter, and unless you really let yourself go after spring break, you should have something worth showing off.

8) Pajamas: Yes, pajamas. Pajamas are abused during finals. You’ll see at least two guys around campus making the following mistakes: First, you’ll see the full-on pajama suit, buttoned-up shirt and all. Second, you’ll see pajamas above the ankles. Both of these are serious no-nos.

an open letter to the neck beard

jess wise wrote this

Oh, Neck Beard, You are truly disgusting. There, I said it.

I’m sorry if I’ve hurt your feelings, but it’s clear that you are a problem that needs to be addressed head-on. I’m starting to see you, in all your prickly, patchy glory, all over campus, and I’m genuinely embarrassed that you have become popular enough that I even have to say anything.

I tried to give you a chance, I really did, but you definitely do not fall under the “sexy scruff” facial hair category.

It’s time for finals again, which means personal hygiene is seriously lacking. Everywhere I go, I see people in yesterday’s hoodie trying to cram one more fact into their brains. For the most part, this lapse in cleanliness and personal upkeep is understandable; we all have that professor who thinks it’s acceptable to assign 4 research papers and an in-class final, all to be due on the same day. In the face of this nearly life-ruining circumstance, no one is going to judge someone for skipping a shower or wearing the same t-shirt 3 days in a row. There is one thing, however, that crosses the line, and that’s you, Neck Beard.

Now, I understand that all the fellas out there don’t want to spend their precious moments on grooming. I’m not unreasonable; I don’t expect every face on campus to be baby smooth, and I take no issue with a little stubble. It’s that long, purposeful, Chia Pet-esque monstrosity that I simply won’t allow. We’ve all seen those guys-it’s like their facial hair is attempting a long-lost reunion with their chest

hair. I don’t know about everyone else, but I have no desire to meet Wolverine IRL, especially during this time of extra stress.

To make matters worse, you, neck beard aren’t exclusive to the end of the semester. You’re showing up on the daily, and I demand an explanation. Is it the rise of hipster culture? Are we all so focused on seeming carelessly cool that we’re willing to grow the human equivalent of kudzu on our faces? Has the hair developed a mind of its own? Is it taking over the world?

Have we just been wasting time worrying about aliens and robots for all of these years? So many questions.

It seems like lately I can’t go anywhere without being accosted by the sight of you. I hope everyone is in control of their gag reflexes, because the dining hall is no longer a safe space. The SLC? Forget about it. Even if I manage to navigate the hallways without an encounter, there’s bound to be some beanie-wearing fool sporting you working at Jittery Joe’s. And don’t even get me started about Ramsey.

Every time I go to the gym, no matter what time it is, I run into a young man who must the president of your fan club (also possibly an exercise addict?). Seriously, I worry that he has lost his grasp on reality, because it seems that he is shaving around you, neck beard, as if to highlight you.

Why would he do such a thing? For that matter, why are guys all over campus following in his footsteps? I’m going to be honest here, Neck Beard: I don’t think

anyone can really rock you. Even Ryan Gosling couldn’t right your kind of wrong, and that’s saying something. That man could bring scuba gear and walking sticks into style, but not you, neck bead. You should be ashamed of yourself.

What’s terrifying is that NBS (Neck Beard Syndrome) isn’t only a local problem-it’s nation-wide. East to west, north to south, you haven’t left one corner of our great nation untouched. I can’t even turn on my TV without seeing you there, taunting me.

Clearly you’ve given Adam Levine some kind of endorsement deal, and let me tell you, he is milking it for all it’s worth. He deserves a raise for that kind of exposure.

I want to know how this trend got started.

Is there someone who makes these decisions? Like the coolest guy on earth? Is it the Dos Equis guy? Well, whoever it is, there must be some kind of super sophisticated method of communication because it seems like all the men on earth started insulating their necks simultaneously. I’ll tell you, if it wasn’t so disgusting, it would be impressive.

At this point, your forces might be too great to be stopped. But, like the great heroes of history, Joan of Arc, Davy Crockett, and Harry Potter, I will persevere against the forces of evil. I’ll ride around the Orbit bus throwing razors at passerby; I’ll bring turtlenecks back into fashion if I have to. Whatever it takes.

See you never (hopefully), Jess Wise

7) Hiking Shoes: We all know that going either way out of the SLC requires a walk uphill. But some people take the terrain of UGA to the next level and wear shoes better suited for the Appalachian Trail.

6) Wallabees and Shorts: Wallabees will only work with pants. This mistake isn’t made out of laziness. Instead, due to little sleep and high stress levels people are simply more prone to making this mistake during finals.

5) Clothes Dug Up from a time before college: Your ass tells me you’re a hottie, is this correct? Each year those who are too busy to do laundry dig up clothes from years past. It really can make one nostalgic about the times we wore tight Hollister sweatpants to middle school. SO-CAL for life.

4) Capes: Two causes: frat challenge or someone legitimately wants to make their finals experience as exhilarating as possible. Maybe it is supposed to double as a blanket for the random naps that are needed during study breaks. Either way, this fashion atrocity makes you more of a badass than an embarrassment.

3) Clearly Dirty Clothes: We all do it – go to our finals in the shirts we wore to bed. Our duds go for a hell of a ride during finals weeks. They’re used as plates, pillows, blankets, napkins and do-rags. Hey, if you can hold out, you’ll be able to do them at your parents’ place for free, right?

2) Sandals and Mismatched Socks: It doesn’t matter if it is a little nippy out for your 7 a.m. final. The fact that this fashion faux-pas is so popular on campus during the spring doesn’t make it acceptable. Here’s a tip: give yourself the goal of finding your matching socks while on Adderall, you won’t quit until you find it!

1) Sleeping Bags: This rarity is one of the greatest campus sights – sleeping bags tied to backpacks. We’ve all seen the guy who builds a tent in a SLC study room. Many become homeless during finals week in order to sleep onthe-go after late nights of studying. I recommend that these stay at home, along with your sleep schedule.

UGA staff wrote this

05

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However, after a long meditation session pondering this topic, I landed on the sole conclusion and explanation to their flawlessness: these people aren’t people at all, they’re robots. They have all the characteristics of a human being on the outside, but on the inside, they are simple synthetic machines servile to the whims of superiors I like to call humans.

Nevertheless, no matter how much I reassure myself that they will never fully experience all the emotional connections humans share with one another, the fact is that they will go through life more easily and successfully than I ever will. And here is how you spot them: Good looks: From their hair to their toe nails, they are perfectly shaped. Their face structure is a work of art, their skin complexion is even throughout, their hair never seems to have a bad day, and their nails are filed and painted.

Good looks and athleticism: They have narrow shoulders, toned arms and legs, and lean abs.

Good looks, athleticism, and an outstanding list of extracurricular activities: It seems that every club or student organization I come across, these robots happen to be involved in them. Not to mention, these robots have a leadership position, as if being a mere member is too ordinary, too human. Now, the first three are possible for human beings to achieve. It’s the next three things that

make them in no way, shape, or form human.

Good looks, athleticism, an outstanding list of extracurricular activities, and effortless intelligence: They received not just an “A”, but a 100% in that class? That’s funny because the average across 300 students was a 73%. And when you ask them if they studied, they scoff at you for asking such a human-like question.

Good looks, athleticism, an outstanding list of extracurricular activities, effortless intelligence, and an enviable social life: There are pictures of these robo-bitches charging up for the night with the best fuel, like Johnny Walker Gold and freakin’ Grey Goose. Alcohol does not seem to diminish their brain cells as they do to our human ones. Wait, that’s because they don’t have any.

Finally, on top of good looks, athleticism, an outstanding list of extracurricular activities, effortless intelligence, and an enviable social life, they seem to have the ONE thing that all girls want, but can never get – A BOYFRIEND: Whether it is their lack of emotions that attract all boys or any of the reasons listed above, they manage to find the time to tend to an intimate relationship while being perfect at everything else at the same time.

We all have people like this in our lives. And we have all asked ourselves, how do they do it? Well, after careful observation, the answer is that they’re engineered to make us envious. Every move they make is thoughtfully processed in their computer monitored minds and acted out through their soulless bodies. Systematic, controlled, robotic – it leaves no standard of error for these enviable machines. And yet the biggest drawback to being a robot is glaring, drastic, and unforgiving: robots can’t have orgasms. The humans win again!

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Jamie Tyberg wrote this

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how to spot robots

Sometimes I catch myself Facebook stalking certain girls whom I deem perfect people. Looking at their porcelain face, my initial reaction is anger, naturally. Then a tear or two may be shed after I’m done comparing myself to them. They just seem to have it all, and they make it look so damn easy.

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From 'da Streets What is the most bizarre thing you’ve witnessed on campus this year?

“As an art major, I witness a lot of nudity, but never did I expect to see a naked man outside the window of my art classroom smothering himself in paint.”

- Kristyn Nucci, Freshman

9d’s bar: if these walls could talk Christine kottis wrote this As the quintessential American college town, Athens has a ballin’ downtown scene that offers fun, entertainment and an array of beverages to quench your thirst at all hours of the day. When the clock strikes 10 p.m. and the plastic bottles of cheap hard liquor are joyfully pulled from mini-fridges in dorms all over campus, downtown prepares for another wild night. Walk into the downtown quarters and you quickly begin passing bar after bar, each with a collection of tales from one drunken night after another, but one bar’s tale is finally about to be told. Yes, this is a year in review straight from the walls of 9d’s Bar. This self-proclaimed dive bar that made its first appearance on the Athens bar scene in late 2010 has come to be known to University of Georgia students as a staple of downtown Athens nightlife. The next best thing to being drunk is being drunk in the era of your childhood; if you disagree take a walk over to 8e’s Bar and check out Oconee County High School’s 1992 Prom Queen. Exactly. And it makes perfect sense; you’re remembering moments from the most carefree time of your life while you’re in your most carefree state of mind. It’s magical, really.

The beginning of the fall semester brings herds of freshmen up the stairs into the time machine that is 9d’s Bar. Freshman girls clomp their clunky hooved feet up the stairs with the little grace and control they have left after pregaming their faces off in Brumby.

Frat stars, glowing from aged Scotch, smirk as they stabilize the string bean chicklettes who haven’t yet realized that Snelling never closes and that Bolton’s cookies are always fresh. One young lady stands out. She appears to have had enough Taaka to feed a Russian baby for an entire week. Tonight she’ll only be able to choke down a few vodka-waters with lime before she and the front stall toilet become biffles for the rest of the evening. Her pack of girlfriends will come in and escort her out with all the coolness of a troop of baboons in tutus and tap shoes.

As the warm weather fades with the colors of the leaves, skimpy summer clothes are replaced with warmer winter threads, and nobody’s happier than the girl who’s known for dunking her plate of marshmallows and graham crackers under the chocolate fountain

“One night when I was walking back from downtown I saw someone pissing in front of the library.”

- Shauyan Saki, Freshman

at ECV every Saturday morning. All this means to 9d’s is a fourfold increase in the quality of their lost and found. No one in town has a nicer collection of men’s and women’s jackets. There might be one lucky kid who gets his jacket back because he wrote his name on the tag (mamma’s boy) but the rest never leave with the person who wore them in.

As winter rolls in, students finish their first semester finals and leave Athens en masse for winter break. Locals flow into 9d’s Bar at an unheard of rate, and bartenders scramble to recall drink recipes that have been collecting dust while whiskey-Cokes and vodka-tonics were peppered atop the sopping bar. The townies’ stench is enough to make 9d’s anticipate the return of students for the spring semester. There’s a lot of satisfaction to be had in watching, one after one, as students break their New Year’s resolutions not to make so many poor, drunken decisions.

When spring comes, so do the formals, graduation parties, and I-got-a-job parties. By this point everyone is just looking for an excuse to party, whether it’s Mardi Gras or Hōnen Matsuri (look that shit up, freaky). Senior men belt out ballads from 98 Degrees and the Backstreet Boys as they pretend, in their barely-conscious form, that they won’t have to enter the real world within the next few weeks. Freshman girls trample up the stairs like pros as they pull their tiny outfits (which weren’t even appropriate for the socials to which they were intended to be worn) out of crevices, and freshman boys stare almost as gawkily as they did just some months prior.

It’s a grand finale at semester’s end before Athens’ student population greatly diminishes and the Spice Girls’ music is only sung by that random ginger who still clings to Scary Spice as her gingsperation. Sorry girl—that’s over—and this year is about to be too. Thanks for sharing the memories, 9d’s Bar. And may the decade continue to live on through middle-aged men who consider a “good time” to be watching drunk young girls butcher Britney Spears songs they haven’t heard since 1999.

“I was minding my own business, traversing Tate when I noticed signs exclaiming, “graphic imagery ahead!” Being of adventurous spirit and sound gastronomic system, I eagerly rounded the corner, only to see a dead fetus as big as my torso.”

- Kate Davis, Senior

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Parents say the

Parents—how adorable. Whether they’re obsessed with their iProduct du jour or try to chat you up about the latest episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you can’t help but appreciate how they still try to stay involved in your life. Still, few parents keep up with the ever-evolving musical landscape. With that in mind we decided to email our parents sample lyrics from recently popular songs just to see if they could figure out what was going on. Their unadulterated responses below.

darndest things!

Ke$ha- “Tik Tok”

And now the dudes are linin’ up cuz they hear we got swagger But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger I'm talkin’ about errrbody gettin crunk Boys tryn’a touch my junk “This is about some girls thinking they’re hot, checking out the boys who aren’t and dissing the pretenders who are offenders.”

“Is swagger a new drink? Why does she have it on her and why is she with Mick Jagger? She has garbage that people want?”

“The guys are in a competition like American Idol, wanting to show off their stuff, but they won't be accepted unless they're a certain 'type' - a cookie cutter imitation of what is acceptable. They're all showing

off, doing their best.”

“Guys are standing in front of a hot club in NYC because they hear celebs and models are hanging out there. But the girls want nothing to do with 'em unless they're jocks or loaded with dough. The chicks are there to party, boys want some action.”

Verdict: The parents do a good job identifying the strong pro-female message in the song, but are oblivious to Ke$ha’s general sluttiness. Having seen Ke$ha, this seems impossible.

LMFAO- “Party Rock Anthem” See I'm a jock (huh) nonstop when we in the spot Booty move weight like she owns the block Where I drank I gots to know Tight jeans, tattoos cause I'm rock and roll Half black half white, domino, Gain the money Oprah Doe! “I think this is about people of mixed ethnicity dancing for money.”

“The dude feeling like he has to prove himself. Drinking for courage, playing the part with the clothes, tattoos, etc. He’s trying to please all, white/black, (Oreo) black on the outside - white inside. The woman has money, and she’s using him.”

“It’s about a guy dancing with his gal but he likes to mix his music, rock and roll with a little hip hop sprinkled in.”

“He can focus and perform in a bad situation; she can move mountains with her powerful behind. Can't remember a thing about last night. Wearing tight jeans, etc. because they're searching for an identity.”

Verdict: Two schools of thought are evident here.

First, there are two responses with vaguely racist undertones. Then, there are the older folk who know that this is a party song. They must have watched the Super Bowl this year.

Drake- “The Motto”

Wrist blang, got a condo up in Biscayne Still getting brain from a thang, ain’t shit changed How you feel? how you feel? how you feel?

Twenty five sittin’ on 25 mil uhh I’m in the building and I’m feeling myself Rest in peace Mac Dre, I’mma do it for the Bay, okay “It’s about a dude in Miami with a hangover reminiscing about the old rapper Dr. Dre and counting his money.”

ern Florida, not knowing what to feel, sitting on $25 million in illegal money. All this - living in Biscayne Bay - but is it worth the diminished peace of mind?”

“This song is definitely about drug use.”

Verdict: “Still getting brain from a thang” threw off them older kids. Thank god. If they knew what that meant, we’d have to kill ourselves.

“Newly rich but feeling poor, with a condo in south-

owl city - "fireflies" 'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs From ten thousand lightning bugs As they tried to teach me how to dance A foxtrot above my head A sock hop beneath my bed The disco ball is just hanging by a thread The dude is in bed dreaming

“The song is about an animal living in the forest, right? I think an animal is teaching him how to dance in the woods.”

“This person is definitely dealing with some drug-induced hallucinations.”

“A thousand hugs from lightning bugs refers to blue haired ladies, they remember the foxtrot and sock hop. The

disco ball is hanging from a thread means they also realize their best days have passed.”

Verdict: They’re all over the place with this one. Truthfully, we’re also confounded by this song. Lightning bugs don’t tend to reside under one’s bed, so we’re just assuming this guy fell ass-backwards into a catchy chorus.

Black Eyed Peas- “I Gotta Feeling” Let's do it, let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, and do it, and do it, Let's live it up And do it, and do it, and do it, do it, do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it.

“This needs no explanation, it’s about sex.”

“Why is it all about sex? Do they talk about anything else?”

“It’s about good vibes and positive affirmations. “

Verdict: We tricked ‘em real good. We assume that our parents assume that everyone is talking about sex all the time these days. Our suspicions proved correct.

Waka Flocka Flame- “No Hands” Blood want it flacka yea throw it fuck it I don't care.

“I have no clue what’s going on here.”

“I have no idea.”

Verdict: Neither do we.

summer

blockbusted How movies that look so right

could go so wrong Bored to death of board game movies? Refuse to bite on Piranha 3DD? Summer movies are, for the most part, dreck. Still, there’s always a spate of films that promise to fulfill the audience’s desire for something more than boobs and things that go boom. Even then, things can go wrong. Though we fully expect these movies to kick all sorts of ass, here’s how we can see them suck.

The Dark Knight Rises Oh Jesus, dare we utter a word of doubt about this sacred cow?

Well what if—and work with us here—just everything goes to shit.

Bane flops as a villain. Catwoman doesn’t fill the gap as the playful antagonist. Talia al Ghul doesn’t show up. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s role is smaller than anticipated.

Alfred dies. As Morgan Freeman ages he goes through reverse puberty, so suddenly his voice sucks.

Commissioner Gordon becomes A political send-up flick starring Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell (10 years ago Zach Galifianakis)? What could possibly go wrong?

Prometheus Picture this: A sci-fi prequel set in the same universe as several box office smash-hits. Few of the characters are the same, but the same ambiance, from physics to technology to tone, all hark back to the films produced decades before. The audience expects a certain amount of familiarity to exist—and by god it does. As the movie slogs forward it becomes apparent that this…this is not a good thing.

Now, the Alien universe is wildly different from the Star Wars It’s hard not to think of the new Peter Parker, Andrew Garfield, as Eduardo Saverin in the really, really, really good film, The Social Network. He was perfect for the role, a tiny wiener kid given to “it’s not fair!” outbursts that reek of petulance. He was the perfect contrast to the cold-blooded Mark Zuckerberg.

universe, and Ridley Scott is decidedly different from stuffmy-pants-so-full-with-money-mygunt-gets-paper-cuts George Lucas, but the worry exists. There’s pressure on everyone associated with the film, from the director to the sound mixer, to make sure this new edition pays tribute to the original. With that, the audience could be left with an overflowing toilet full of allusions, call-backs and remembrances of films past, but nothing worthwhile. Nothing of substance, minus the shit.

a bumbling dunce a-la the 60s camp TV show. Batman decides to sport the batnipples again, simply because they make him feel sexy.

Listen, we’d be shocked—absolutely shocked—if the third installment falls short of very goodness. If The Dark Knight Rises fails in the eyes of the audience, it’s likely because the audience’s expectations are too high. Slowly exhale everyone, it’ll be okay.

The Campaign

Well, it strikes us that both of these actors need a straight man to play off of to really capitalize on their style of absurd humor. Consider this conversation:

but might just turn out okay Men in black 3

After time-traveling to 1969, saving the world in the process, Will Smith’s Agent J decides to stay in the period. He becomes a militant Civil Rights Movement leader until promptly retiring in 1990 to his home in Bel-Air.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter After finishing off Vampire John

Wilkes Booth, Lincoln declares himself Dictator of the United States of America, turning the country into a totalitarian state.

Snow White and the Huntsman

In a film loaded with overwrought dialogue the cast breaks out in a hip-hop number that sees Kristen Stewart rap, “Yeah, I’m Snow White, the purest of them all/The Queen wanna dance with me, I’ll show her how I ball.”

Will Ferrell: I’m kind of a big deal.

Zach Galifianakis: Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man…because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a retard.

Will Ferrell: You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha covered with hair.

(Each character awkwardly stares at of reality, the movie quickly the other for thirty seconds.) spirals to a dark place rife with one-liner one-upmanship until It doesn’t work. Instead of havthe audience’s heads simultaneing a comparatively sane character ously explode. And that’s bad for to keep the film set in some sort repeat viewings.

that’s my boy The film’s final scene - in which the raunchy father (played by Adam Sandler) accidentally kills himself in an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap - turns out to be real footage.

magic mike

This Channing Tatum male stripper bildungsroman succeeds on the strength of its puns and double-entendres.

In one scene Tatum’s Mike—dressed as a solider—is asked to “stop being a dick, show some balls and serve this cuntry.”

The Amazing Spiderman

So, not to get all typecast on Mr. Garfield, but if Peter Parker is portrayed as some mopey little baby upset with his newfound ability to climb walls, well, that’s gonna make us mega-frownie all over the place.

Based on early images, The Amazing Spider-Man looks to be much darker is supposed to be a snarky dick, than the previous three films, so it’s more than possible that the film not a whiney pussy. We have you heads in this direction. Peter Parker on watch, Garfield.

movies that look crappy

Brave Toy Story: Male protagonist. A Bug’s Life: Male protagonist.

Toy Story 2: Male protagonist.

Monsters, Inc.: Male protagonist.

Finding Nemo: Male protagonist.

The Incredibles: Male protagonist.

Cars: Male protagonist. Ratatoullie: Male protagonist. WALL-E: Male protagonist. Up: Male protagonist. Toy Story 3: Male protagonist. Cars 2: Male protagonist.

Now we have Brave, Pixar’s first foray into the wild, scary world of boobs. That’s not cause for

concern in and of itself. No, this move gets ruined if the female protagonist, Merida, suddenly has to rely on stupid, smelly boys to get good at kicking ass. It’s troublesome enough that Pixar has pumped out movies for seventeen years without once having a female lead, but to finally do it just to have this ginger girl relying on aid from dudes would totally nullify whatever progress they’re trying to make. You know, girl power or something.

rock of ages

Stacee Jaxx, played by mythical leprechaun Tom Cruise, busts out a bitchin’ guitar solo rendition of “Top Gun Anthem” when one of his band members dies of a heroin overdose.

ted Teddy bear-come to-life Ted turns out to be the reincarnation of Osama bin Laden.

Upon discovering this, Mark Wahlberg’s character, John, teddy bear tickle tortures Ted before burying him alive in his back yard.

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Bartender of the Issue Robbie Robertson mellow mushroom If you could implement any law as a bartender, what would it be?: That girls are not allowed to wear tops at bars.

Do you have to be a good listener to be a good bartender?: Wait, I didn’t hear the question.

What’s your favorite drink to make?: Whatever you order, plus some crushed-up stuff from my pocket.

What’s the best tip you ever received while bartending?: I once got tipped with a joint, which was pretty awesome.

drinking game:

Sloppy Sixes

With all the perverted and imaginative minds here at The Black Sheep, it’s pretty easy to get carried away with wild drinking games. But don’t get us wrong, we still like classics, quick and easy, just like the way we like our women. Just to prove it to you, we’re keeping this week’s game simple, like your cousin Alvin.

What You’ll Need: Any alcohol hiding in the back of your cabinet and some dice.

Number of Players: As many cool guys as you can get your hands on.

Intoxication Level: We’ll make ya extra schloppy!

Let’s Get Sloppy: - Line up three cups and three shot glasses, numbering them from one to six.

- Fill them up with anything that will get you drunk: beer, whisky, nail polish remover, whatever floats your boat.

- Take turns flipping a die. The number you roll is the drink you take.

- Do not fill up the glass after drinking from it.

- When a player rolls a six, they may give that drink out to another player.

- If a cup is empty and you roll its number, you miss your turn and have to fill up the cup instead. Don’t be discouraged, though, you’ll be happy for this break later.

The Game Ends When: Either the alcohol runs out or someone yacks. Bon appadrinking!

Thirsty for More?

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Oh, and platonic massages are always good.

What’s your favorite day or time to work the bar?: I’d say football game days. That’s when the most underage kids vomit on the bar.

Are there any drink orders that raise a red flag in your book?: When a guy comes up to the bar with a girl and she gets a beer and he gets wine or an amaretto sour he absolutely loses his man-card.

I usually add in a dash of 151 to substitute for his lack of testosterone.

What’s been your most uncomfortable moment as a bartender?: Once a dude with no arms started yelling at another bartender and the man got so upset that he fell over, knocked himself unconscious and pissed himself. We had to call an ambulance to come take him away.

What do you like most about your job?: No comment…

What’s the deal with your dog?: Oh she’s not real. I just tell people she was hit and slated for surgery on slow tip nights.

recipe for disaster:

Trix on Sticks

Sick of the Rice Krispies Treats we’ve been throwing at you lately? Here’s a new, creative snack for you to try: Trix on Trix on Trixxxx...on sticks.

What You’ll Need: Trix cereal, a mountain of marshmallows, a stick of butter, and sticks (popsicle sticks, skewers, used lollipops, whatever).

Cook Time: 10 minutes.

Fatty Factor: It’s not necessarily unhealthy for you, just dangerously addicting. Why do you think that damn crackhead rabbit is always after the cereal?

Let’s Get Baked: - Microwave the marshmallows and three tablespoons of butter for three minutes.

- Next, butter up a spatula to make stirring easier. Would you like us to assign someone to butter your spatula?

- Add three-fourths of your Trix cereal to the bowl of warm marshmallow-y goodness, and stir to your heart’s content.

- Let it cool for about five minutes.

- Butter up your hands and start forming balls, squares, octagons or whatever shape you prefer.

- Shove a stick in it and there you go! Fancy, sugary hors d’oeuvres for your pregame.

They’re kinda like kabobs, but less meaty and vegetable-y.

Silly rabbit, Trix are for college kids! And stoners, too. Of any age, really.

13

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What Guys Expect From Porn That Ain’t Gonna Happen Maddie Rosenthal wrote this Beginning at the tender age of 12, every day from then on, and most recently nine minutes ago, guys have been watching porn. Between the hundreds of free websites and pay-per-view options (but who’s paying for porn anyway?), guys never miss an opportunity to utilize the lotion and Kleenex they have bedside. Hell, they don’t even have to be horny. Just being bored qualifies as an excuse. By the time females are willing to put out, they’re virginal innocence doesn’t compare to the every-hole-is-anentrance-porn their peers are jerking it to. Smart women will tune in and take notes on the smut because for the last 10 years, their boyfriends have grown accustomed to the likes of Jesse Jane and Jenna Haze.

There are a few things that are easy to emulate: moaning three times louder than the pleasure we’re receiving merits, faking entire orgasms (full body shutters included), and those of us who are wifey material allow free reign to where our dude shoots his load. So it’s not like we don’t make an effort. Despite this, there are a few things that we physically can’t (and in some cases simply won’t) do.

Blowjob Betty may be able to give direct eye contact the entire times she’s sucking you off, but the rest of us can’t. It’s quite literally impossible to blow you, breathe, emphasize how much we enjoy doing it, and stare at you all at the same time, especially if we’re trying to do a good job. And, unless you want a sticky, pink, glittery pecker, we won’t have lip-gloss on while we’re doing it like Jenna Jameson foolishly advocates.

We can certainly work hard to make the coveted slurping noises and we

can even try and deep throat until we cry, but smiling before, after and during is asking a bit much. We aren’t getting paid for this (hopefully).

We understand that beyond the age of 17, not swallowing is grounds for break-up, but just because you believe your jizz is the nectar of the gods does not mean that we’re going to gargle it in our mouths like it’s salt water after we lost a tooth. Similarly, our faces (of all places) have been declared the proverbial target for your one-shot musket. We get it, you like feeling dominant. While a lot of girls are absolutely willing to take one for the team and exfoliate while they’re at it, realize that a cum shot to our eye will not be greeted with the same generous reaction as the hookers on your computer screen. It leaves us blind and wanting a towel.

Porn also gives men the impression that women would enjoy being woken up to a dick in their face. Besides seeing the 5-0 first thing in the a.m., the last thing I want when my tired eyes flutter open for the first time is the head of your penis trying to push through my pursed lips Next, I’d like to make a quick disclaimer. A cock slap to the face is never, ever okay. I don’t care how much Amber Wild enjoys it, women in the real world are more likely to sock you right in the balls after a move like that. Sorry, I’m not sorry. At all.

Women understand that men like few things more than being told how

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well-endowed they are. And with the average size of the American penis being a measly 4.5 inches (yes, erect), we understand that a lot of you need an ego boost. Sure, we’ll pay you and your johnson a quick compliment when you first whip it out if we’re pleasantly surprised, but what we will not do is scream out “Oh my God you’re sooooooooooo huge!!!!” seven times during what you call a “pounding”.

Finally, I want to make one thing abundantly clear: anal sex is not fun. It does not feel good. Guys don’t fear getting raped in the ass in prison for no reason. It hurts like hell. Plus, the pain isn’t just physical, it’s emotional too. Let’s think back to the horror stories we’ve all heard about girls shitting the bed after someone overcompensated on the lube. So when Linda Lovelace takes it like it’s hitting her G-Spot, she’s giving men everywhere false hope. Maybe, just maybe, after six or so attempts the pain will be tolerable, but by that time her asshole will be so loose that retreating back to your girl’s cooch is the better option anyway.

So fellas, next time you’re screwing a random bitch from the bar, your girlfriend, your slam piece…whatever she is, don’t expect her to behave like a porn star. But drop the girl that doesn’t at least try.

Show Us Your Booze! : Cinco de Mayo Edition

show us your booze! cinco de mayo edition

Meet The Staff!

Cutler Sheridan Jess Wise Jamie Tyberg Melissa Baxter

campus manager Ethan Cunningham

Advertising Manager Abby Smith Megan Thompson Suzanne Durden

campus director Brendan Bonham Founders Ethan Cunningham Suzanne Durden Atish Doshi Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers

editorial Manager Ali Misner marketing/distribution team Sierra Moore (Manager) Stephanie Mannheimer Anna Melnik Writers Alexandra Rose Tess Gilbert Riley Humes Christine Kottis

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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class time

the madlib: Your Pre-Finals Breakdown

Oh guys, don’t worry about me, I’m totally ___1___! Finals ___2___ a lot, of course, but I’ll get through them and life will go on. Like, if all those ___3___ children can live on $1.50 a day or whatever, I think I’ll manage.

Well, once I can get my Adderall refill. By “refill” I mean when my ___4___ friend Amanda can get her refill, and then I can get mine and it’ll be fine… it’ll be fine, I swear it’ll be fine. It’s not like I depend on it, but I really just feel like a ___5___ on ___6___ and I can just take on the world, you know? I also don’t eat anything but ___7___ the whole time which is making me lose hella weight – it has no fat! Plus, I’ll get so mad ___8___ once it’s all said and done, blacking out will be a piece of cake.

Shoot, I still need to contact my ___9___ professor to see if I can get some notes or a copy of the final or something. Sure, I only went to class ___10___ time(s) but this semester was busy! Between my Tuesday ___11___ nights with those two girls I met at the bar sophomore year and my Thursday ___12___ club (where we get really philosophical after snorting some ___13___), my weeks are so full! I’m not concerned though, nothing that a nice ___14___ won’t fix to persuade my professor, naymean?

Yeah, I’m shaking a little bit. So what? I’ve had about ___15___ cups of coffee in the past 48-hours, I’m just trying to prepare. I literally cannot afford a 6th year of college unless I whore myself out like ___16___ at a hip-hop concert, and even then I’d need to get a job at ___17___ and like, that shit won’t happen, not with these nails. … Whoa. Are you telling me finals aren’t for two more weeks? WHAT THE ___18___!!! Aight, I’m going to bed. Peace.

10) Number lower than five 11) Hard Liquor 12) Genre of literature 13 ) common spice 14) baked good 15) big number 16) slutty celebrity 17) discount store 18) swear word

class time

1) 1950s positive adjective 2) negative adjective 3) Poor country 4) easy class 5) an animal that flies 6) an upper 7) gummy candy 8) slang for drunk 9) hard class