Volume 19, Issue 14 — 11/16/11 - 11/30/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com
The
Fre
e... li fro ke ev m h er om yth e o ing ver yo bre u'll ak. ste .. al
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College” Brought to you by
The Booze News
How to Have a Successful Thanksgiving Break slang wrote this Thanksgiving break comes at a perfect time during the semester. Halloween is over, all of your classes are in full swing, and many welcome the thought of going back home to relax for a week. It’s a chance to take a breather from the stress of your everyday college lifestyle. But let’s be honest for a second here, it can also get really goddamn boring. This is why I’m here to give you a few tips on how to improve your week. After your parents have gone back to their real world jobs, you will probably spend a lot of time sitting on your ass watching old reruns of Teen Mom on MTV. I’m not saying that’s not fun. I’m just saying there are better ways to be entertained. For starters, you should call up some of your high school friends, and I don’t mean the ones who also went away to school. Call up the townies. You know the ones who seemed kind of smart in high school but couldn’t hack it at a real college? Yeah, call those people and ask them to shoot the shit. If you’re a freshman, fall break is when these kids start to come to terms with the fact that they’ve ruined their lives by not trying just a bit harder in high school. Just think about how awesome this is going to be for your self-esteem. Failing a class? Yeah, you might be, but at least you aren’t working at the local Target while going to community college. It’s not all about boosting your ego, though. Townies are great for stories and gossip about your hometown. Aren’t you going to love to hear about all the former cheerleaders who got knocked up or peaked in high school? Hell, you’ve got time. Stop by the gas station where they’re all working now. Once you’re nice and bored with that, you’ll have the holiday to look forward to, and no, I don’t mean Thanksgiving. I’m talking about Black Wednesday, and I don’t mean the anniversary of the day the banks crapped out in England. I want you to drink so much you’ll have sex with that raw turkey defrosting in your kitchen sink. Black Wednesday was invented with the sole purpose of giving people strength to put up
Other stuff
Inside
05: Sex in the CU: Abandoning the Base System
Grabbing a boob should be way better than a ground rule double.
with their families the following day. Who needs a better reason to get all sorts of gobbled (hammered) during the Thanksgiving times? Think of it as sort of a pre-Thanksgiving celebration, and the best way to celebrate is with Apple Pie shots! Your goal here is to get so drunk that you aren’t even annoyed by your annoying family members at dinner the next day. A great way to mess with your family when in dire boredom is to hide the Thanksgiving turkey. Your mom is going to wake up at the crack of dawn to begin defrosting and basting that big ole son of a bitch, and when she opens the freezer only to find that weird pillow turkey you were suspiciously slaving away on the night before, she will just lose her stuffing. Except she lost her turkey! Hiding this 10lb sucker isn’t going to be easy, because you’ll need to keep it frozen, so I’d suggest coyly turning a cooler into a sneaky ottoman for the living room and plopping your big fat uncle’s feet on them before anyone’s the wiser. Even better, why don’t you mosey on over to your local grocer and just go ape shit? Buy every last turkey the day before Thanksgiving and prepare to make the profit of your lifetime. You know that there’s no mother Vicodin-crazed enough to completely forget to buy a freaking turkey for her family on Thanksgiving. She’ll come barreling in to your local Wal-Mart, desperate for some semblance of motherhood. Charge that twat a solid hundo for your trouble. Don’t feel bad, she’s so amped up on prescription pills that numbers no longer have any meaning to her. Can you really blame her though? Spend five minutes with her mother-in-law and you’d be desperate for anything to take the edge off too. And that brings us to the best holiday of the year, and this time I do mean Thanksgiving. Everyone is always getting their panties in a bunch over Christmas, but they’re
continued on page 19
06: Saying Thanksgiving Grace
Corey examples Thanksgiving’s most awkward ritual.
08: A Very Veggie Thanksgiving Tofurkey? To-fuck-no!