Illinois - 11/16/11 - v19i14 by The Black Sheep

Volume 19, Issue 14 — 11/16/11 - 11/30/11 — www.theblacksheeponline.com

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Black Sheep

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How to Have a Successful Thanksgiving Break slang wrote this Thanksgiving break comes at a perfect time during the semester. Halloween is over, all of your classes are in full swing, and many welcome the thought of going back home to relax for a week. It’s a chance to take a breather from the stress of your everyday college lifestyle. But let’s be honest for a second here, it can also get really goddamn boring. This is why I’m here to give you a few tips on how to improve your week. After your parents have gone back to their real world jobs, you will probably spend a lot of time sitting on your ass watching old reruns of Teen Mom on MTV. I’m not saying that’s not fun. I’m just saying there are better ways to be entertained. For starters, you should call up some of your high school friends, and I don’t mean the ones who also went away to school. Call up the townies. You know the ones who seemed kind of smart in high school but couldn’t hack it at a real college? Yeah, call those people and ask them to shoot the shit. If you’re a freshman, fall break is when these kids start to come to terms with the fact that they’ve ruined their lives by not trying just a bit harder in high school. Just think about how awesome this is going to be for your self-esteem. Failing a class? Yeah, you might be, but at least you aren’t working at the local Target while going to community college. It’s not all about boosting your ego, though. Townies are great for stories and gossip about your hometown. Aren’t you going to love to hear about all the former cheerleaders who got knocked up or peaked in high school? Hell, you’ve got time. Stop by the gas station where they’re all working now. Once you’re nice and bored with that, you’ll have the holiday to look forward to, and no, I don’t mean Thanksgiving. I’m talking about Black Wednesday, and I don’t mean the anniversary of the day the banks crapped out in England. I want you to drink so much you’ll have sex with that raw turkey defrosting in your kitchen sink. Black Wednesday was invented with the sole purpose of giving people strength to put up

Other stuff

Inside

05: Sex in the CU: Abandoning the Base System

Grabbing a boob should be way better than a ground rule double.

with their families the following day. Who needs a better reason to get all sorts of gobbled (hammered) during the Thanksgiving times? Think of it as sort of a pre-Thanksgiving celebration, and the best way to celebrate is with Apple Pie shots! Your goal here is to get so drunk that you aren’t even annoyed by your annoying family members at dinner the next day. A great way to mess with your family when in dire boredom is to hide the Thanksgiving turkey. Your mom is going to wake up at the crack of dawn to begin defrosting and basting that big ole son of a bitch, and when she opens the freezer only to find that weird pillow turkey you were suspiciously slaving away on the night before, she will just lose her stuffing. Except she lost her turkey! Hiding this 10lb sucker isn’t going to be easy, because you’ll need to keep it frozen, so I’d suggest coyly turning a cooler into a sneaky ottoman for the living room and plopping your big fat uncle’s feet on them before anyone’s the wiser. Even better, why don’t you mosey on over to your local grocer and just go ape shit? Buy every last turkey the day before Thanksgiving and prepare to make the profit of your lifetime. You know that there’s no mother Vicodin-crazed enough to completely forget to buy a freaking turkey for her family on Thanksgiving. She’ll come barreling in to your local Wal-Mart, desperate for some semblance of motherhood. Charge that twat a solid hundo for your trouble. Don’t feel bad, she’s so amped up on prescription pills that numbers no longer have any meaning to her. Can you really blame her though? Spend five minutes with her mother-in-law and you’d be desperate for anything to take the edge off too. And that brings us to the best holiday of the year, and this time I do mean Thanksgiving. Everyone is always getting their panties in a bunch over Christmas, but they’re

continued on page 19

06: Saying Thanksgiving Grace

Corey examples Thanksgiving’s most awkward ritual.

08: A Very Veggie Thanksgiving Tofurkey? To-fuck-no!

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Table of

contents 10

07: Phil Yo Mind- Champaign’s 1% What’s the point of having a Mercedes if everyone else has a Mercedes? 09: The Thanksgiving Problem You’re not the son your parents were looking for. 09: From the Streets If you had a pet turkey what would you name it?

10: john madden on illini basketball At least we might not suck at one sport this year, huh? 16: Bartenders of the Week They remind us why we should be thankful alcohol exists.

16: Recipe for Disaster: The Waffle Sandwich Leslie Knope would cream her surprisingly hot slacks for this one. 16: Drinking Game: Beer Ball No man’s testicles were hurt in the creation of this game.

17: Alcohol Review: Smirnoff Whipped Cream Who knew college kids liked flavored vodkas? 18: Top 10: Things to do with a raw Thanksgiving turkey 18: The Black Friday Beatdown How to make sure you’re prepared to pull some bitch’s hair out. 20: Movie Review: Immortals Some things are better off dead. 21: The Black Sheep Interviews: Pterodactyl These ancient rockers fly by to talk about some james, man. 21: CD Review: Drake- Take Care God, we just hate him so much. 22: a public service announcement NBA players are looking for a home, will you take one in?

Meet The Staff! Managing Editor Carly Kamp copy Editor Mike Benson Advertising Manager Michelle Lenzen distribution Manager Mike Zevin Chris Bandemier Contributing Writers John Estep | John McCombs Phil Azar| Ken Halvachs Mandy Cleves | Grace Haka Hannah Johnson| Michelle Lenzen Michael Byrnes| Corey Gusstini Caitlin Chrzanowski | Katelyn Lilly Sarah Langer cartoonist Alexandra Joyce

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Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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Letter to the editor Dear Carl, I just saw that new pistachios commercial with Khloe and Lamar. Is there anything in the world more disgusting than imagining the two of them having sex? Sincerely, Disgusted Doug Dumb Doug, There are plenty of things way more disgusting than imagining Khloe and Lamar having sex (though I see where you’re coming from with that). Allow me to name a few. The bellybutton lint of a really fat Greek man, a person who wipes all of their boogers on the wall by their pillow at night, a Whitney Cunningham queef, a kid who sneezes so hard snot comes flying out of both his nostrils and he just sucks them into his mouth to eat instead of getting a tissue, the thought of Larry King and Rosie O’Donnell 69ing, and a bite from a mosquito carrying an egg that requires incubation in a human body so that three weeks later you’ll get a big red bump that when you pop will have a maggot crawl out of it. I believe I’ve made my point.

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Cheers, Carl

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! s m a r g a n A Sexy

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Word of the week Inferiwhore:

A Chimera Ray

Anally Truer To

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Definition: A man or woman who regularly tries to score some tail, but fails miserably. Sentence: “Dave’s such an inferiwhore; he’s always trying to land some ass, but never gets any.”

SEX

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and the u

Abandoning the Base System

Since I was a kid, engaging in sexual activities was defined primarily by the base system in baseball where getting to a certain base actually meant something. This worked for a while until I noticed that there were quite a few sexual accomplishments that were not categorized by a base. For this reason I think we should abandon the base system and instead use the XBox achievement system where we assign credit, or “g,” for such formerly-unrecognized acts like: Over the Pants Finger Bang (100g) Ah yes, the fun of leggings. I actually accomplished this little move back freshman year at my first frat party. Dry finger pounding is actually pretty fun when both parties are in to it and you don’t have to worry about washing your hands later (like you were going to anyway). The Finger Bang Tease (150g) This is an actual finger bang; however, I’ve rated this so low because you will get NOTHING after this. It’s as if girls think letting me put my fingers inside them somehow gives me some kind of “fingial” satisfaction out of it. Last I checked my balls weren’t attached to my hands so nice try, ladies, but no. Credit Carding (200g) This one is pretty immature but fun nonetheless. If you don’t know what it is, it’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like: where you slide a credit card or ID down the ass crack of a member of the female

John McHoneyCombs wrote this sex when she isn’t expecting it. Just don’t be surprised when it has trouble authorizing the next time you try to buy groceries. Dutch Oven (250g) Every man with a girlfriend must do this at some point in his relationship (most appropriately on an anniversary or after proposing). Shoving her head under the blankets right after letting loose a particularly nasty fart is a sign of affection showing her that, “We’re in this together.” The Grinding Snuggle (350g) Ok, so your girlfriend isn’t ready to have sex yet but she’s totally cool with simulating it in bed. It’s pretty much sex with clothes on without the dick sliding into something wet. After you do this once, you’ll realize it’s kind of a lame excuse for the real thing, but it gets so many points for the simple fact that your cock is gonna feel like you’ve been masturbating with sandpaper the next morning. Just the Tip (500g) Oh yes, the ultimate grey area in sex. Many a man has been head-deep when, for whatever reason, the woman decided this was a bad idea and instead of pulling a Sandusky, you pulled out. What’s weird about this though is that you still get to brag about how you got your dick slightly damp. The doors were open and the prize was in sight, but poor Seabiscuit just stumbled out of the gates.

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The Celebration (1000g) After a successful sexual encounter and only one that ended with both parties satisfied, you are allowed to dot the exclamation point and add a celebration. Whether you choose to light a cigarette (or better yet a cigar) or utter a Humphrey Bogart line, it must be something comical and cool for both people. My personal favorite is to immediately afterward blast “I Just Had Sex” as loud as possible in my apartment while I just sit there smiling triumphantly at my lady friend as she tries to get dressed as fast as possible. Don’t we all feel so much better knowing exactly where we stand on the scoreboard? Go ahead, get out there, and knock out as many achievements as you can.

Thanksgiving Grace

Corey Guastini wrote this

Thanks, everyone, for letting your Uncle Bob do this. It means a lot that the entire family would trust me to say Thanksgiving grace. Grace?! She died thirty years ago! That’s a good old Christmas Vacation reference. Did you catch that, Dave? Did you catch that reference? How about Jennifer? Jennifer, did you catch that classic reference? Well, it’s a great movie, and we should all watch it after this. There was a lot to be thankful for this past year. We all thought we might lose Grandma after she slipped and broke her hip on the slick lines of that handicapped parking space, but the surgery went well and she’s finally coming out of that depression. We should also be thankful for that Wal-Mart employee who found Gabriel in the cart return last August. Diane, I’m still so sorry I left him strapped in the cart for those three hours. I have no idea how I forgot him; I guess I was just so excited about my new tool box, but I completely understand why you won’t let me watch the kids anymore. Let’s also thank our troops overseas, fighting for freedom. Thank you Seal Team 6 for murdering Osama bin Laden, and thank you Seal Team 5 for staying out of the way. Let us also thank Prince William and Kate Middleton for proving true love exists, fairy tales do come true, and severely balding men can still get women. I needed that. And thank you J.K. Rowling for all of those wonderful years of Harry Potter. Whenever I found myself alone with a nerd, it was a go-to conversation piece that never failed. It wasn’t the best year for movies, but thank you Hollywood anyway. Fast Five was surprisingly good as was Horrible Bosses. We could have done without The Smurfs, but Neil Patrick Harris is an endearing, terribly handsome man that I wouldn’t mind seeing on the silver screen more often. I bet he gets mad snatch. In the world of music, we have so much to be thankful for. Britney Spears continues to produce catchy songs, which is the greatest gift anyone could ever ask for. Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep” gave me the courage to tell my ex-wife I never want to see her cheating ass again, and “Someone Like You” inspired me to come crawling back to her just a few months later. It is also important to remember we had not been exposed to “Firework” by Katy Perry at this time last year. That song was pure inspiration. I listened to it on a loop when I was fired from the tire factory last winter, and I know Paul did too when his firework store went out of business. No thanks to Lady Gaga this year. Thank you, SunSetter, for installing that retractable awning. My deck was up to twenty degrees cooler this summer, which really allowed me to get out there and enjoy it. I would also like to thank myself for making the decision to switch from Angel Soft to Charmin. I don’t dread my trips to the bathroom anymore. Thank you, Toyota, for improving the Camry’s gas mileage by three percent. Don’t think for a second I didn’t notice that I only filled it up 75 times this year instead of 77. Also, thank you Perlmutter, Schmidt, and Riess for observing the expansion of the universe is actually accelerating. It helps to think about that when I really want to feel like an insignificant sack of shit. Finally, thank you Wendy’s for keeping your hamburger patties square. I know the temptation to just cut those corners off must be unbearable at times, but we appreciate the effort. We really do. All right, that’s it! Dig in, guys, and let’s hope we’ll have just as much to be thankful for when we gather at Thanksgiving next year. If the future tastes half as good as it looks, I think we’re all in for a very big treat. Did you guys catch that reference? Dave? Jennifer?

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Phil Yo Mind: The C-U 1% Readers, “Phil Yo Mind” is back. Today I’m looking at things a little differently. As someone who receives most of his news from my upscale neighborhood’s crime blotter, I tend to avoid discussing politics. In fact, it was not until last August, while on my father’s yacht in the Virgin Islands that I found out what taxes were. Strange times we live in, indeed. However, last week I accidently picked up the Daily Illini and found a (hardly) interesting article. The DI published the salaries of our professors and, let me tell you, they’re making bank! Most of my professors are making well over $100,000 per annum! That’s almost enough to send their children to New Trier (almost)! What good is all the money we worked so hard to inherit in the hands of these liberal fools? You’re telling me to pay them I have to wait until Christmas for the new iPhone 4s?! The other day I saw a tweed coat-wearing deadbeat scumbag driving the same Mercedes Benz as myself! Now, his was an older model than my own, but the situation was downright absurd! These dirty crooks take all our money and what do we get in return?! An education? All for naught! During my first year as a senior I considered graduate school, but instead took a job at daddy’s law firm, because I thought professors lived a sad life of alcoholism and 80’s porn. I couldn’t have been more wrong! I bet after my professor grades my papers, he takes a dive in a pool of Krugerrands like Scrooge McDuck. After, he watches lesbian porn in HD and calls it “gender studies research!” Worst of all, these Ph.D.-holders flaunt their wealth! Professors take flamboyantly luxurious vacations to other campuses for academic conferences, where they probably snicker while counting their money and discussing their summer plans. Often these professors take long vacations on the University’s dime called “sabbaticals,” where they cease to work

entirely, and yet they still get paid! And to think, I only give Jeeves a single day off when I take him to Monaco with me. Worst of all, most professors have tenure, which means they cannot be fired. They are forever here to steal money straight out of our trust funds! When Philip Lesile Azar II was asked to step down as CFO of Intercorp, he did his duty and left with his chin up after a modest severance pay of $60 million. That’s when America was America. The Occupy Champaign movement has been entirely misguided. Instead of asking for more financial aid, I say we trim the fat off this plump turkey. If we want a more fiscally efficient university, let’s get rid of the professors! Fire them all and spare none! These academic fat cats have holed up in their windowless offices for too long, while we, the hardworking students of the University of Illinois receive none of their benefits! Now, some argue that there exists a trickledown effect. This ridiculous theory suggests that some of our professors’ knowledge is handed—or trickles—down to our brains. I laugh at such ignorance the same way I laugh at my butler’s foreign accent! How does the professor’s knowledge trickle into my brain while I’m busy searching for a post-graduate apartment on Michigan Avenue during class? I find it appalling we have let our university come to the point where there even exists a privileged 1% and this funneling of power is only getting worse. The University of Illinois is getting so wealthy that our administration has voluntarily opted for a decrease in state funds just so they can charge students more tuition. It is as if our faculty derives some sort of sick pleasure from their power over the students, the lowly 99%. Change is imminent! Either we take my heed and fire all the selfish, money-grabbing professors or we all transfer to University of Illinois-Springfield, where the professors probably make the same as the janitors.

Phil Azar wrote this

A very Vegetarian Thanksgiving

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Kitty Kat wrote this

A few months ago my roommate and I made a bet. We were trying to shed a few pounds, but our workout routine wasn’t cutting it. So her dumbass suggested a new vegetarian diet. Whoever cracked first was on dirty dish duty for the rest of the school year. At that time, the only kind of greens that I wanted to live off of was the illegal kind. I would have never agreed to it if I had remembered that the meatiest holiday in American history was just around the corner: Thanksgiving. I can see how horrible that day will be now…I’ll spend most of the day locked in my room, trying to avoid the tempting scents wafting from the kitchen. But when I hear my relatives arrive, I’ll be forced to make my way downstairs. There it will be: the largest, most delicious looking spread that only a real meat-loving American can appreciate… A beautiful golden turkey with a side of stuffing. Thinly-sliced honey-baked ham soaked in even more tangy juices. Mounds of fluffy, cloud-like mashed potatoes, coated in sweet butter, garlic, and gravy. Cranberries, beets, cheesy broccoli, cauliflower, corn on the cob, cooked carrots…A giant leafy salad drenched in Ranch dressing, croutons, and bacon bits…The different foods will be segregated on the table like some 1960’s civil rights rally: meat on the end near my dad; soft, mushy foods in the middle, at easy reach for the older folks and their dentures; and conveniently at the other end by me, the few scraggly, overcooked veggies. I’ll be strong and scrape a few spoonfuls of vegetables on to my plate and have a small portion of salad, carefully picking out those damned bacon bits. I’ll eat quickly, hoping that by the grace of god and the pilgrims I’ll choke myself to death; anything to get done with that miserable day. My family will sit, awkwardly silent, quietly complimenting the tenderness of the turkey and the flavoring of the ham. My mom will pity me, but unless that bitch is gonna pump some meaty grease into my veins, I’ll make her suffer with me and let the awkward permeate the room. I’ll be good and keep my cool. I’ll be content with gnawing on the corncobs like a squirrel and devouring enough carrots to turn me orange. But oh god… When I see dad pour the last bit of the veggies on his plate, my stomach will growl in pure anger. I’m still fucking hungry, dickhole. Potatoes? Gone. Salad? Gone. I’ll slowly look up from my sad, empty plate and lock eyes with the fart face. My fists will clench and my eyes are going to burn with hate. My dad will slowly shift back in fear. “Is something wrong, Kate?” he’ll say like a chump. “I’m still hungry.” “Well, why don’t you have some more to eat? There’s some stuffing still and a little bit of

turk-“I can’t eat that, you ignorant fuck. Why don’t you give me your vegetables instead?” He’ll quickly shovel the rest of the vegetables into his mouth and said between bites, “Sorry. None left.” That just does it. Everyone at the table will look at me, but before their jaws can even drop, I’ll leap across the table, stab my fork into the turkey and began to rip the remnants of the bird to shreds. My family will looked on in disgust and terror as I finished off the turkey and began to gnaw on the slices of ham, but I won’t care! I can just feel the gravy and juice running down my arms, staining my sweater, and soaking into my socks. My ass will sit perfectly in the nearly-empty potato bowl; my feet will straddle over the sides of the table. Everything will taste so amazing, like a food orgy exploding in my mouth. After a few more bites, I’ll stand up, rush to the refrigerator, chug down an ice-cold glass of milk and find the perfectly-formed, untouched pumpkin pie. For the finale, I’ll grab one fistful of each dessert and shove every crumb I can fit into my greedy mouth. Done. But it will be completely worth it. Oh I can’t wait for Thanksgiving so I can just eat meat again. God, I miss meat. Guess I better start getting my dishwashing practice in now.

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From 'da Streets

the Thanksgiving Problem

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"If you had a pet turkey, what would you name it?"

Grace of Spades wrote this Being in college truly does change how you look, act, sound, and behave. Each time you head back home, things are a little different. This Thanksgiving break your parents are in for another surprise—little do they know, you're no saint anymore, so you better think of solid excuses for why you look like you’ve started taking life lessons from a homeless crackhead. Problem: Remember those defined calves and flat stomach you used to have back in high school? Yeah, you're fat now, bro, so why again do you suddenly have bigger boobs than your older sister? Solution: Say that you've decided to take a semester rolling with your homies for a class about understanding the lifestyle of a person who needs a wheelchair to get around. If that doesn't work just say you're an avid member of one of Illinois’ life-changing RSOs: the Sumo Wrestling Club, and you've been doubling up on carbs to be more competitive. Problem: Your voice has changed. Solution: You know how your voice ends up all low and raspy like Darth Vader the day after drinking? Oh yeah, you drink every night, so you’re practically a modern-day Sith Lord. It’s cool though; you sounded like a prepubescent Alvin, and your buddies’ voices rang out like his Chipmunk sidekicks, so you sound a little better now. The problem and the solution are the same. Problem: You're not cute anymore. Solution: See that senior picture on the wall? You're not in Kansas anymore, Dorothy, you're busted up and nasty. When your mom asks about the sore on your lip, just say that your chem class needed face scrapings and pretend it’s not herpes. And when your dad is mad that your tooth is chipped, just say that you fell while casually rollerblading on the quad and not that someone took an umbrella to your face like a baseball bat after a rowdy night at Joe’s. A quick shower and some makeup might help, but you definitely aren't the same.

“Cock Gobbler” - Steve R., Senior

Problem: You have several tattoos. Solution: Sure you could spend the entire break wearing long, flowing robes to hide the flaming guitar tatted on your calf and the blazing skull on your forearm, but you can’t hid your ink forever. Regale your family with a fictional foray into your time spent in the Champaign Country Prison, where it was tats or death. When you finally let them in on the joke they’ll be amped your police record is squeaky-clean, even if your skin isn’t.

“Richard “Dick” Pecker” -Kaleb K., Freshman

Problem: You accidentally brought home shacker clothes. Solution: When your mom finds an XL t-shirt with some frat's letters on it, it's safe to say she's going to figure out that the shirt isn't yours. So instead of telling your mom that you practically cater to your fratdaddy's jiggly-bits every time he wants a tickle and all you got was that lousy t-shirt, just say that you won it at a philanthropy event supporting diabetes. You have time to straighten your life out after the reality check your parents will give you this Thanksgiving break when they catch you using your inhaler after walking up the stairs to your room. Everyone needs a semester or two, or several, to let a little loose and have fun, just try not to have any regrets while you’re doing it.

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2011-2012 Illini Basketball Preview John Madden wrote this With Ron Zook and his band of goofs cleaning out the morale of this school faster than a Sunday morning bacon burger on the bus, Ole Johnny here’s got a treat for ya, basketball! We set our sighrs to the 2011-2012 men’s basketball season here at the University of Illinois. Ya know, if this season’s defined by one word, I’d say it’s “hopefultude.” Now, based on everything I know about basketball, the fine coaching staff, including the ever delicious-sounding Bruce Weber, have been grilling up quite a lineup. Now I don’t much believe in stats, but the one that jumps out at me is their above-average tall-per-game! Tall is good. The closer to the net, the easier it is to score. And you score by putting the round ball in the round hole! Betcha didn’t know that! What really disturbs me, though, are the “unseen” problems with this roster, problems most broadcasters wouldn’t even be able to see. I’ll take you through the roster and point out the major issues and tell you why this team is doomed to fail worse than a turducken at a PETA event.

13-Tracy Abrams, 6’1” Now, don’t get me wrong, Johnny’s all for sexual equality in life. I believe that women are mentally, emotionally and intellectually on the same playing field as men. However, I’m just not too sure about the decision to allow a woman to be on this roster. That’s all there is to it. 15-Mike Shaw, 6’8” I see we got a freshman here! There’s no reason this should affect his game that is if he can manage a week without missing a bus and crying himself to sleep. 20-Myke Henry, 6’6” Kid can’t even spell his name right! One time when I fell asleep after eating an entire 30-inch buffalo chicken pizza challenge by myself I woke up and forgot how to drive a car or who my kids were. But misspelling “Mike?” Something must be wrong in that kid’s head!

0-Sam Maniscalco, 6’0” Now, right off the bat we’re having some pretty serious issues. With Sam, the problem is that he’s been given number 0. Right there you’re telling this young kid that he’s a failure. Ask me, he should ask about changing his number to “Hero.”

21-Devin Langford, 6’7” According to this young man’s bio, he is currently enrolled in the college of Liberal Arts and Sciences. I would say that if this hippie could stop passing the dutchie on the left hand side and put his Joan Baez records down for two minutes he might be a valuable asset to the team.

1-D.J. Richardson, 6’3” Son, what kind of a name is “D.J.”? H-H-I mean, this isn’t the Grammys! Take those headphones off and get in the game, young man!

23-Ibby Djimde, 6’8” This is why I do’t trust computers, only my trusty telestrator. Sometimes you type in “Franklin Burgeot” and out comes “Ibby Djimde.”

2-Joseph Bertrand, 6’5” According to Betrand’s bio, he was elected prom king in high school. Now what worries me is that this kind of ego fuel is going to get to young Joe’s head. Basketball isn’t prom, though I did think both were about putting balls into holes until my mid-thirties.

25-Jean Selus, 6’2” Two women on this team?! What next, they’re going to be able to vote?

3-Brandon Paul, 6’4” My scouting guy says this Taurus, born April 30, might be an asset to the team, what with his creative and gregarious character. However, what troubles me is that he might not be very compatible with Kevin Berardini, the stubborn-yet-loyal Leo on the team. 4-Crandall Head, 6’4” Now, don’t get me wrong, this Crandall boy seems like a perfectly good kid. Hell, he’s probably gonna score a lot of basket points this season. The problem, to me, though, is that all of the other players are going to be making fun of his name. Hell, how couldn’t you?! Example: “Crandall, get your Head in the game!” POW. There is only so much abuse this young man can take before it affects his game. 12-Meyers Leonard, 7’1” Remember what I said about the importance of having players with a lot of tall on your team? Well holy guacamole! I’m getting vertigo just thinking about this guy!

32-Nnanna Egwu, 6’11” Nanna Egwu is a wonderful basketball player. Many say he’s the Brett Favre of college basketball. Total gamer! Not too bad on the eyes, either, if I do say so. I wonder what Brett’s doing right now… 42-Tyler Griffey, 6’8” Oh boy, we got a junior on our hands. When the ole’ missus popped out our fourth daughter I couldn’t help but name her John Madden Jr. Hasn’t spoken to me in years. Can’t say I really trust this junior either. 44-Kevin Berardini, 6’8” You see, folks, here you got a guy who likes to play a little b-ball. I used to be the same way before both of my legs were crushed by my immense girth. One too many Philly cheese steaks, know what I mean? I see a bright future in this Kevin kid, I really do. If he can make a bunch of baskets during each game, he’ll probably be a good player for the Illini. With a squad of fine young men, I don’t see how this team can do anything but succeed! Just line ‘em up 9 wide, hit that tall guy on a fading post and eat up all the victory turducken you they can shove into their foodholes! Pass the gravy, Wanda!

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SPECIAL NIGHT

NOV: NFL Pro Bowl Weekends! $2.50 Bud Light Bottles Fridays & Saturdays WIN Great Prizes & 1 Grand Prize! 2 Tickets to HAWAII, the NFL Pro Bowl & Air Too!

THURSDAY: FAREED HAQUE & MATHGAMES with SONNY STUBBLE and SPREAD

FRIDAY: Happy Hour Food Special 4pm-9pm - $3 BURGERS $5 Wings & Fries Pinnacle Vodka Launch Party $1 PINNACLE VODKA $1 PINNACLE SHOTS $2 BUD LIGHT TALLBOY CANS

FRIDAY: DJ EpilepC with Dave Coresh, AMS (King of Nerds), Rice (Sound Transmitter), and RobKilla

SATURDAY: UFC 139 Shogun at 8PM (Mauricio Rua) VS Hendo (Dan Henderson) $2 Domestic Drafts & Bottles

WED 11/16

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

Alpha Gamma Rho presents FOXY LADY CONTEST (Early!) 312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY (Late!) $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 Cover

$2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Malibu Rum

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

THURS 11/17

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 Jack/SoCo/Tuaca $3 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

FAREED HAQUE & MATHGAMES with SONNY STUBBLE and SPREAD

$2 ANYTHING IN THE HOUSE $3 Red Bull & Any Liquor

Book Your Next Party Here!

It's Real DJs & Big City Nightlife At Fat City! $1 PBR Drafts, $2 Domestic Bottles & Drafts, $2 Wells

FRI 11/18

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $3 Three Olives Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 ALL Domestic Pitchers

LOW TWELVE, SERUM 114, IN REGARD TO RAPTURE & MORE METAL!

Happy Hour Food Special 4pm-9pm - $3 BURGERS $5 Wings & Fries Pinnacle Vodka Launch Party $1 PINNACLE VODKA $1 PINNACLE SHOTS $2 BUD LIGHT TALLBOY CANS

DJ EpilepC with Dave Coresh, AMS (King of Nerds), Rice (Sound Transmitter), and RobKilla

All You Can Eat Walleye $7.95 $2.00 Bud & Bud Light Cans

SAT 11/19

$1 Cherry & “O” Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs $2.50 Bud Light bottles $3 Bacardi $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

PAUL THORN with CHICAGO FARMER

Gameday - Open at 9am Serving Breakfast $2 Bloody Marys, $2 Mimosas Try our Fantastic New Restaurant serving Homemade Soups, Sandwiches and much more!

Dry Creek Station Live at 9PM!

UFC 139 Shogun at 8PM (Mauricio Rua) VS Hendo (Dan Henderson) $2 Domestic Drafts & Bottles

Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

NFL Sunday Ticket $2 Domestics $3 Bloody Marys

Book Your Next Party Here!

1/2 Price Appetizers 4-7pm $1.50 Old Style Pints Free Shuttle to ALL Illini Basketball Games!

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

$2 Tuesday 2 tacos for $2 $2 Margaritas $2 Wells and $2 Pints Karaoke!

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long!

$2 Bombs, $4 Ice Bombs $1.50 Old Style Drafts $2.00 Domestic Bottles $4 Domestic Pitchers Live DJ 9pm-close No Cover w/ i-card

SUN 11/27

Closed

Welcome Back Party $2 U CALL IT

MON 11/28

$1 Wells $2 Jumbo Long Islands $4 Bud & Bud Light Pitchers Pub quiz @ 8pm

$1 WILD MONDAYS Live Music! No Cover! $1 Beers and $1 Wells

Salsa Night with DJ LUNIKS $2 Corona Bottles $1 Wells

TUES 11/29

Taco Tuesdays! $3 AUC2E Tacos, $2 Wells $3 Tall Boys/ Miller Coors/ Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

PRIVATE PARTY Rent out the Canopy for your party today!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Goose Island 312 Bottles $2 UV Vodka (All Flavors) $2 Jim Beam Whiskey

WED 11/30

15 Cent WINGS 8pm -? $1.50 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Long Island Iced teas (5 flavors) $2 Jäger Bombs

312 VIBE NIGHT on WOMPDOWN WEDNESDAY $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 Cover

$2 UV Vodka $2 Evan Williams Whiskey $2 Bud Light Bottles $2 Malibu Rum

The Thanksgiving Convo You Won’t Mind Having. Forget relationships and grades; with amenities like these, your parents will know you made at least one good decision this semester.

WE’RE PET FRIEND LY!

OH, WE’RE JUST GETTING STARTED. Amazing Location. Theater Room. Club Room. Two-Story Wireless Atrium Lounge. Bicycle and Scooter Storage. Convenient Grocery Store. Fully-furnished Apartments. Fitness Center. Tanning. Greystar Illinois Management, LLC

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SUNDAY AFTER BREAK: WELCOME BACK PARTY $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! 3pm - BEARS vs RAIDERS

1/2 Price Hookahs at GSC2

TUES. AFTER BREAK: Split Lip Rayfield and Legendary Shack Shakers! Doors Open at 7PM

Sunday After Break: Packed Sunday Funday Illini Bball @ Noon Bears @ 3:05 Vegas Giveaway @ 5

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

Wheel Wednesday is Back! Don't know what to drink...give the Wheel of Destiny a spin 1/2 Price Burgers & Illini BBall (8PM) $2 Blue Moons & Woodchucks $4 Cups of Shots

MONDAY: $3 Jameson Special Night $2 Coors Light and Free Pool Fromand ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) from 6-8 every day. Happy Hour $1 off all Appetizers Miller Light Draft 6-8 Daily Free pool during happy hour!!!

THURS 11/17

NFL Thursday Night Football Jets vs Broncos 7pm $2 SVEDKA, $2 JIM BEAM $2 BUD LIGHT BOTTLES $6 NATTY LIGHT BOTTLE BUCKETS

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$3.50 Miller Light and Bud Light 60oz pitchers $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Cherry Bombs

$3 Sweet Tea Vodka $3 Any Draft

DJ Ollie $3 Top Shelf Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

FRI 11/18

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 JAGER BOMBS $3 Absolut Vodka $3 Jameson Whiskey Hawks vs Flames 8pm

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs

DJ Delayney $5 Double Wells Free Entry w/ Student ID Before 11p

Come check out The Bread Machine playing live 10pm-midnight Sky Vodka Party

SAT 11/19

OPEN AT 9AM Serving Firehaus Breakfast Wisconsin vs Illinois 11am Watch All The Games Here!

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

College Football All Day!

Bus Transportation from Campus to Downtown @ Wright and Daniel Monday - Saturday at 10:00, 10:30, 11:00

Illinois v. Wisconsin at 11am $2 Jager Barrels $3 Sailor U-Call it

WELCOME BACK PARTY $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! 3pm - BEARS vs RAIDERS

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 12oz Drafts $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers

Book Your Next Party Here! Email us at highdive.gm@gmail.com

Kitchen Open for Lunch On the Menu: Carson Palmer Bears @ 3:05 Win a trip to Vegas

Giants vs Saints 7pm $1 DRAFTS $10 Hydrants of Natty Light $1 Silver Tequila Shots 1/2 Priced Appetizers (4-10)

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

Miss us? Welcome home to Monday Night Joes 1/2 Price Sandwiches

$2.99 Cheeseburger and Chips from 4pm-10pm $2 Wells $2 Pinnacle Whipped Drinks $6 SHARKBOWLS Phoenix vs Hawks 8pm

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells

Split Lip Rayfield and Legendary Shack Shakers! Doors Open at 7PM

Big Ten/ACC Challenge Illini at 6:30 1/2 Price Burgers

The New Firehaus Mug is HERE!

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi & Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

Coyote Ugly Night $3 Double Wells $3 Jack Drinks $3 Jager Bombs

1/2 Price Hot Dogs $3 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joes Meet DJ BJ @10:30

WED 11/30

WED 11/16

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's Wednesday $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3 Strong Islands $2.50 $4Corona Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager $4Bombs ICB's

SUN 11/27

35 E. Green Street

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

MON 11/28

The New Firehaus Mug is HERE!

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

TUES 11/29

SPECIAL NIGHT

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217.239.2310 | burnham310.com | 310 E. Springfield

Get the New Monster Glass Mug! Hawks vs Canucks 9pm Minute to Win It Win a Flip Camera! $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

Get the New Monster Glass Mug! Minute to Win It Win a Flip Camera! $3 Jack Daniels | $2 UV Vodka

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$3 Strong Islands $4 ICB’s

The BarGrid Page 3 of 3

KAM'S DOWNTOWN

Party with the Bacardi Girls! $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

KLUB KAM'S w/ DJ John Han $3.50 UV & BAM $2 Lite Bottles $1 MHL Bottles $3 Revel Stoke All Energy Music!

Mustache Night Get your limited edition mustache glass No Cover

$2.00 Specialty Pints $2.00 Specialty Bottles $6.50 Killians and Leine Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

SHACKER NIGHT $2 Bud Family Bottles $2 UV Vodka $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 24oz UV Shackers $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

$7.50 Whiskey Coke Pitchers $3 Jim Beam $3 Jack Daniels

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

The Absolut Party! $4 BAM Drinks $2.75 24oz Lite Cans $3 Jameson & Malibu Drinks Illini Pregame!

$2 Miller Light Bottles $4 Double Amaretto $4 Double Malibu

$2.00 Killians and Leine Pints $7.00 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $4.50 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.50 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Burst Shots

Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles

$7.50 Margarita Pitchers $2 Coronas No Cover!

FRI 11/18

IL vs. WISC 11AM $7.50 Double Svedka Blue Guys $3 22oz Lite Drafts and Bottles

Gameday! Great Drink Specials & Illini vs. Wisc at 11AM!

Gameday! Illini vs. Wisc at 11AM!

GAMEDAY Illini vs Wisconsin $2 DRAFTS of Natty $3 Jager Bombs $3 Absolut, $3 Bacardi Live DJ Spinning All Night

$2.50 U Call It $3 Jaeger Bombs

SAT 11/19

Welcome Back Party $2 U CALL IT

Closed

SUN 11/27

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

WED: LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's or PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

SATURDAY: GAMEDAY Illini vs Wisconsin $2 DRAFTS of Natty $3 Jager Bombs $3 Absolut, $3 Bacardi Live DJ Spinning All Night

TUESDAY: DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!

PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 11/16

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

"Beer Lovers Night" $ 2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

SPECIAL NIGHT

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

THURS 11/17

MONDAY:

SATURDAY: IL vs. WISC 11AM $7.50 Double Svedka Blue Guys $3 22oz Lite Drafts and Bottles

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

Illini BBall vs. Chi St. 7PM $1 Fatty Bottles $2 Pitchers

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

$2.00 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5.50 Bud, Bud Light, Coor's Light, and Miller Lite Pitchers $2.00 Well Singles $4.00 Sobieski Vodka and Sweet Tea Vodka Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

MNK w/ DJ SUDS Monday Night Kams! $1 Bottles and Wells $3 Pitchers

"Beer Lovers Night" $ 2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

$1.75 Domestic Pints $2.75 Premium Pints $2.00 Manager's Special $4.00 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles

$1 U CALL ITS $2 Red Bull Vodkas $3 Bud Light Pitchers

Monday Night Football! Euchre Tournament! $1 Miller Lite $ Coors Light Pints

MON 11/28

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

B10/ACC Battle IL vs. Maryland 6:30 $3.50 Double Jim Beam $4.50 Double Pucker $1.50 Lite Drafts

Ride the Rail No Cover

$6.00 Hamm's Logo Pitcher $4.00 Refills $2.00 Sobieski Vodka Singles $4.00 Well Doubles $2.00 Oldstyle and Schlitz Tall Boys and Natty Fatties $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Dr. McGillicuddy Shots

BARN DANCE TUESDAYS! Live DJ Playing Country Music $1.50 FATTY NATTY BOTTLES $2 Wild Turkey Whiskey $2 American Honey Lemonades $2 Malibu Rum

DAS BOOT! $5 Refills ANY DRAFT!

TUES 11/29

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

Party with the Bacardi Girls! $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $1.50 Bud U Call It Drafts and Bottles

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $2.00 Skyy Vodka Singles $4.00 Wild Turkey Doubles $2.00 Rum Chata Shots $2.00 Burst Shots

PITCHER NIGHT! $2 Pitchers $5 Well Pitchers

White Horse Karaoke! $7.50 Rum and Coke Pitchers

WED 11/30

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• Resort style swimming pool. • Free internet, cable, water, trash and parking.

Text "COLBERT" to 47464 for Specials!

(217) 353.6800 / www.villagecp.com

• Washer & dryer in every apartment. • 24 hour fitness center & spa with free tanning. • Pet friendly!

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Week

of the

Melissa Horgan Firehaus

Major: Kinesiology Relationship Status: Single Who would you rather get with a Pilgrim or an Indian? Indian because they know how to pitch a tent. How often do you black out? Way too often. How old is your mother? Young enough for a 3-way. What’s the longest word you can spell? It’s too long to write. Do you prefer dark meat or light meat? Definitely light. Who’s your celebrity look alike? Don’t you know? I am a celebrity... If you could get a blowjob from anyone who would it be? Taylor Lautner What’s your favorite part of bartending? Hanging out with Chuka. Finish this sentence: “The last time I touched myself I was... ughm.. girls don’t do that. Biggest turn on? Chuka What color underwear are you wearing? Cheetah print Craziest thing a person has offered for a free drink? Lap dance from T3

Joe Kosir cly's

Major: Aerospace Engineering Relationship Status: Single! Funniest thing you’ve seen on the job? Some 150lb guy hooking up with a 300+-pound girl. Best dead baby joke you’ve ever heard? You’re on the pill right? When was the last time you slept naked? Were you alone? Clybourne barcrawl 2 days ago. And is that a serious question? What are your thoughts on bestiality? I hate animals. Bang, Marry, Kill: George Bush, Barack Obama, and Richard Nixon Bang Nixon, Marry Obama, and Kill Bush. One sex position you have always wanted to try? Reverse cowgirl on a toilet. Have you ever basted a turkey? Was she at least a 7, if not then it didn’t happen. Favorite movie quote? I am not a robot. Who was the last person you fantasized about? This is a tasty burger. If you could be any alcohol, what would you be and why? Hypnotiq, the darker the berry, the sweeter the juice.

recipe for disaster:

drinking game:

beer ball Like beer? Have balls? Boy, have we got a game for you. What You Need: A case of beer, at least one ping pong ball, and a table. Number of Players: Four exactly – no more, no less, no exceptions. Intoxication Level: You’ll lose your balls. How To Play: - Like beer pong, there are two teams of two players in this game, and each team stands at opposing ends of the table. - Place a can of beer upside down at each corner of the table (four beers total). - One player will throw the ping pong ball at the opposing team’s beer that is diagonal from him. - If he hits the beer can, his teammate on his side of the table must flip over his can of beer and start chugging. - His teammate will only stop chugging once either member of the opposing team has retrieved the ping pong ball and placed it on the table. - It is to be expected that one teammate will finish his beer first. In this case he will be the only member throwing for the remainder of the game in order to have his teammate finish his beer too. - The winning team is the team who is able to finish every last drop of both of their beers first. The Game Ends When: You actually start tripping on the balls.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

Waffle Sandwich This is a treat that would have Leslie Knope of Pawnee, Indiana losing her mind. It’s too delicious for most people to comprehend. What You’ll Need: Waffles, ice cream, chocolate syrup, whip cream, caramel sauce, and whatever else your sweet tooth can dream up. Cook Time: About 5-7 Minutes. Fatty Factor: This is a no-go for someone with diabetes. Let’s Get Baked - Bust out your Eggo waffles (of course, you could go Belgium, which sounds fanfucking-tastic; however you’ll need a waffle maker for that), toss two of them in the toaster, and set them for however you like your waffles cooked. - While your waffle is toasting, bust out your favorite ice cream and get all of your toppings in a line. - Once your waffles pop out of the toaster, plop them on a plate, and slap a bunch of ice cream on one of them. - Go ahead and slather on all of the chocolate syrup, whip cream, caramel sauce, sprinkles and whatever else you want on the ice cream and cram the second waffle on top of it all to make the sandwich. - Enjoy. Of course this waffle sandwich could be anything you imagine it up to be. Feel free to experiment with all different flavors if ice cream and waffles. Rocky Road with blueberry waffles sounds like an interesting twist on the palate.

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Review

THE

PAGE

BOOZE REVIEW

Smirnoff Whipped Cream Vodka Grade: AOverview My boss told me I couldn’t review any more Pinnacle products, so when I saw this tasty treat on the shelves of Picadilly, my panties soaked up quicker than you can say “delicious.”

Typical Drinkers Sorority women, children, fancy people, men who wear monocles. Leslie Knope adds it to her waffles, Ron Swanson secretly drinks it, my coworker Bide, men who use the toilet to pee instead of the urinal at bars.

History History isn’t too hard to figure in this case. After the whipped cream flavor began skyrocketing in popularity among its consumers, Smirnoff caught wind of the new flavor, and deemed it necessary to introduce a new flavor to their selection. They quickly gathered their taste scientists and reconfigured their plain vodka flavor formula to have a bit of whip to it. The new flavor hit the shelves just this past month. Basically, the only difference between this whipped cream vodka and all of the others is its much fancier label.

User Comments “Top drawer, simply top drawer.” “I’m all sorts of fancy drunk.” “Gives, bring around my car, would you?” “Who the fuck is Gives?”

The mixer Center Sprite: A Orange Juice: B+ With Me: Solid C+

Conclusion It’s actually super-delicious. The only reason I gave it the minus in the "A-" is because it lacks originality. Come on, Smirnoff. Yes, you’ll make boatloads of money off the newly-discovered whipped cream money machine, but where’s your Manifest Destiny?

Chased with Marshmallows: D (not a great chaser) Straight Up: F, for Fantastic

THe top ten

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Things to do with a Raw Thanksgiving Turkey 10. Have sex with it Oh, don’t be so prudish. You do know that there’s an entire market out there for bestiality fetishes, right? People have their needs, and if that need is to make sweet love to a cold, slimy turkey, then dammit let it happen! 9. stuff it Okay, so maybe you don't want to have sex with it (and thus stuff it with your genitalia), but stuffing the turkey is a great option. Screw John Madden and his Turducken, it's time to get creative. Try out a papaya, a pigeon, lots of bacon, and a squirrel...call it a Turpigaconpasquir.

how to Prepare for Black Friday Shopping Hannah Johnson wrote this Again, it’s that time of year, a time for amplifying everything we do: overeating, oversleeping, and most importantly, overspending. Yeah that’s right, I’m talking about Black Friday shopping when we wake up at the ass-crack of dawn to go shopping for stuff that we never would have thought we needed. If you’re one of those crazy bitches that can’t ignore a bargain, follow these tips to ensure you make the most of your shopping experience.

need to bitch slap someone for cutting you in line. Your fanny pack should be filled with items like Band-Aids (for when a crazy old woman pushes you to the ground to get to the sweater sale at Nordstrom’s and you scuff your arm), scissors (just in case you need to cut a last-minute coupon and/or another person in the store with you), and marbles (for when people just won’t get out of your way).

Know What You’re Shopping For You cannot go into a store without a game plan. Now is not the time to stroll around a store, hoping that you will just come across something that you want. Those of you who have been Black Friday shopping before know what I’m talking about – they trample the unsure. The longer you take shopping the longer the line will be when you are ready to check out. If you absolutely cannot control yourself from mindless shopping, then try doing your Black Friday shopping online. You’ll end up with 50% more useless crap than expected, but at least won’t have to get your lazy ass out of bed.

Practice Not Sleeping Probably the hardest thing about Black Friday shopping is staying awake after consuming 9,000 calories the night before during Thanksgiving dinner. Usually after eating this much, you would be in a food coma for 2 weeks, but you’ll have to fight the urge to sleep. Practicing staying awake on a full stomach is the only way this will be possible. Some people may need to simply alter their sleeping schedule and become nocturnal for the next week or so. You just have to remember it will be worth it in the end, because nothing is more disappointing than waking up at noon the next day realizing that you slept through the whole thing.

"The fanny pack is key, because you need to be hands-free for when you just need to bitch slap someone for cutting you in line"

Work Out This is definitely important. You need to start hitting the gym so you can keep up with those mothers who are on the hunt for the last Tickle Me Elmo because little Billy has to have the perfect Christmas. They’re out for blood and aren’t afraid to drop a shoulder or two in order to get through a crowd. But don’t just focus your workouts on your arms; make sure to get those thighs in shape too. You have to be ready to get low to snag things out of the hands of small children, those sneaky little bastards can tiptoe through a crowd like a feisty chinchilla. Bring All the Necessities You need to be prepared for all the possible scenarios that could occur during this shopping trip. In order to be prepared, bring a fanny pack. The fanny pack is key, because you need to be hands-free for when you just

Get Angry Nobody messes with an angry bitch, so get mad any way you can. If that means thinking about that time that slut Trina slept with Kyle, or whether you decide to go all Roger Clemens, and you slather Icy-Hot all over your inner thighs, just get mad. If a brick wall can’t stop you, a short, overweight housewife sure won’t. Just remember to keep these tips in mind and you won’t have anything to worry about other than being pushed down the escalator at the mall by unattended children whose mothers left them to go try on perfume in Macys. In case this happens just remember that you have scissors. Happy shopping!

8. Hand puppets! Have any little brothers or sisters? Here’s a fantastic way to pass the time during Thanksgiving break! Take the raw turkey, stick your hand up it, and use it as a puppet. You can even get multiple turkeys to put on both hands (or feet) and really get crazy with the plot of your puppet show. Trust me, your little sister won’t be creeped out at all. If anything, she’ll learn a few life lessons out of your performance. 7. Treat it like your own child Maybe if you don’t have any littler brothers or sisters, or friends, or family, you can buy a turkey and pretend like it's your child. Buy a crib for it, rock it, talk to it, breast feed it... do whatever it is that will make it seem as realistic as possible. And there’s no pressure in actually keeping it alive, because it’s only a dead turkey! Win-win! 6. Throw it under a moving vehicle to make the driver think that they just ran over a child Thanksgiving break tends to get a little boring, so you gotta do something to pass the time. Since there are overabundances of turkeys in the grocery stores during November, you might as well buy some to play a few tricks. At night, throw one at a car to make the driver think that he or she just ran over a kid. After they screech to a stop in a panic, yell “Just kidding, it was only a turkey! Silly!” And run away. 5. Throw it through someone’s window while they’re sleeping Maybe that last one was a little extreme and immoral. So instead, throw a turkey through your enemy’s window in the middle of the night. Image the look on that person’s face after being woken up by getting knocked in the dome by a turkey. Priceless. 4. Blow it up The only thing better than throwing a turkey at someone is blowing one up. This is totally encouraged in society. Remember the whole Mentos-in-Diet-Coke trick that your teachers taught you in high school? This is very similar, except now you’re putting an explosive inside of a turkey! It’s like the poultry version of the Fourth of July. Blood and guts everywhere. 3. Have it be your “Thanksgiving Dinner Guest” Going along with not having any friends or family, make the turkey one of your guests at your very own Thanksgiving dinner. This will give you an excuse to set another plate on the table besides just your own. You poor, poor soul. 2. Eat it raw while crying This doesn’t really need much explaining. Just do it at your own risk. 1. Cook it Or, you can be a normal person and do what normal people do with raw turkeys: Cook it. They’re pretty tasty once actually cooked or fried, and it’s a nice tradition. Then you can use the bones to make soup the next day. Man, there’s so much to do with a turkey. Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

turkey tom wrote this

continued from cover story... all wrong. Thanksgiving is the holiday for kings. What I’d suggest is trying to make a game out of your gluttony on this glorious day. Each slice of turkey counts for 50 points, a glob of mashed potatoes is 25 points, a scoop of stuffing is 40 points, and each spoonful of cranberry sauce counts for 10 points. Get your siblings and fat dad involved in the game and see which one of you has a stomach from the gods. An even more interesting way to play the game if you’re trying to watch your figure or some shit is to see which member of your family is the biggest fatty by keeping track of their points. That said, a serious disadvantage to Thanksgiving grub are the chemicals present in them. Once you load up on all that Turkey and starch, you’re probably going to pass the hell out – so the grand prize really ought to go to the kid who can keeps his eyes peeled the longest before passing the fuck out, which is just what the doctor ordered, because you’ll need your rest for what’s left to come. You guessed it. I’m talking about Black Friday. Now that Thanksgiving is over, you have to start worrying about Christmas gifts, so you’re going to have to hit up every bargain in town. Bust out your helmet and elbow pads because this day is not for the weak. If there’s one thing that speaks to college students across the nation, it’s a cheap deal on quality stuff. We have some advantages on everyone else out there, too. For starters, we’re all used to being up at strange hours. Getting up at 3a.m.? No big deal. We’re usually awake at that hour anyways, and that’s without a good night of sleep beforehand. We also have what might just be the biggest advantage of all: We’re dirt fucking poor. We need these deals way more than your average soccer mom, who’s just doing it for the thrill. Therefore, you should go all out with it. Knock those minivan bitches right out of your way. So you see? It doesn’t have to be a week spent entirely watching Death Valley on MTV and Tough Love Miami on VH1. Get out there and have some fun on your break.

"Safety is key to a positive Black Friday experience."

IF YOU DON’T START

STALKING US

YOU MIGHT MISS SOMETHING

WEIRD (BUT AWESOME)

blacksheep_uiuc The Black Sheep UIUC ALWAYS GET YOUR FIX AT

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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the movie page Based on the Trailer

Immortals benson saw this and gave it a...

Director: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 1

Hugo

Tarsem Singh

Nov.18

Starring: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Dakota Fanning What You Need to Know: Edward and Bella finally get hitched, thus not giving a shit about the complications of human/vampire relationships. They proceed to have rough sex ALL OVER THE PLACE (mostly really gorgeous, exclusive hotels and waterfalls), and Bella gets herself knocked up with a demon baby. What a dumbass! What We Think: Since this is only part one, no one knows (or cares really) what happens next. We’re sure that the Twilight Saga fanatics will have a field day with this one and continue to worship Edward Cullen in creepy ways. Go see this one at your own risk.

Nov. 28

Starring: Asa Butterfield, Chloe Moretz, Emily Mortimer What You Need to Know: Hugo is a little orphan boy that secretly lives in the walls of a Paris train station and works spinning giant cranks to make a huge clock run. All of this is really tragic. Somehow he befriends a sweet man (or possibly a pedophile) and together they try to fix a creepy, broken robot that would lead him back to his lost father. Oh, and it is in 3D. What We Think: If you're home for Thanksgiving break and the family wants to catch a flick (and pay for it), then you should check it out, otherwise we’re not sure if it’s worth the hot 13-bucks.

Starring:

Henry Cavill, Mickey Rourke, Freida Pinto

Synopsis:

300? I’ve never heard of it. What the fuck are you talking about? The benefit of 3D in film is a hot topic among many movie nerds. Some believe that it’s a wonderful invention which allows us to see movies in a new, amazingly real way. Others, including myself, believe that 3D movies are yet another sign of technology’s cruel, calculated stranglehold on our society, fueled by the electric pus oozing out of zombie Steve Jobs’ forehead. The problem is, when you watch a movie that was specifically filmed for 3D, you notice just how much that technique has changed the way movies are filmed. When a movie is shot specifically for 3D, you notice that some shots are held for abnormally long to give the audience time to absorb all of the 3D effects, and that a lot of attention is paid to things coming out at you (obviously). The problem is, though, that when you convert it back to 2D, none of these extended shots or objects flying at the screen make any sense. It just makes the movie seem awkwardly edited. And unless 3D TVs catch on, these “made for 3D” movies are going to look poorly-edited and incredibly dated in a couple years. I, admittedly, saw Immortals in 2D, as I happen to be very cheap when it comes to

A Dangerous Method

Nov. 28

Starring: Keira Knightley, Michael Fassbender, Viggo Mortensen What You Need to Know: This movie is about the intense relationship between Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung in their studies of the human psyche. Sabina Spielrein is Carl Jung’s patient who is absolutely nuts due to some shit that happened long ago. Somehow they both manage to fix whatever was wrong within Sabina’s mind while BOTH simultaneously falling for her, which obviously screws up everything. Stupid boys. What We Think: This movie features men with pretty epic mustaches and looks really cool. We would totally go to the theaters to check this out, and assumingly leave with our minds blown, which is always a plus.

on DVD

seeing movies (ladies...), and this was no exception. However, I felt that I got a better understanding of this film in 2D than I would have in 3D. Partly because of the reason above, but mostly because, when seeing a movie made specifically for cool special effects, what is left after those effects are removed will tell you just how much thought and care was put into the writing, acting and production of such a film. Immortals follows the bloody reign of King Hyperion (Mickey Rourke) as he rages war against all mankind, and the band of people determined to stop him. The only hope to stop King Hyperion from releasing the Titans is Theseus (Henry Cavill) a man chosen by the gods to save Middle Earth, erm, Greece. Theseus becomes romantically involved with Phaedra (Freida Pinto), a virgin priestess (Thesus is determined to change this). There’s a subplot involving androgynous, metrosexual gods and how they cannot intervene with the war’s proceedings, even though they do anyways and get their asses kicked. Yeah, the plot doesn’t really make much sense and all of the acting is horrendous,

mickey rourke fun facts

but that’s to be expected in movies like this. When it comes to action, Immortals is better than most. It is obscenely gory at times, and genuinely disturbing in others, which is pretty great. Other than that, though, Immortals is almost comical in the way it follows the basic archetype of every single other ancient Greek/Trojan War-era fantasy film. You see, I’m the kind of guy who gets hung up on tiny little inconsistencies or goofs in movies* that I often forget that some movies aren't supposed to be “good” and are supposed to just provide bloody entertainment. I understand this, yes, but Immortals gets a D anyway, it isn't very good. * For example, why do the women always have perfect makeup on, even when they are wet, or are prisoners in the middle of a desert? Also, there’s this character who cuts his tongue off early in the film, he doesn’t do anything meaningful except sit stupidly in the background of every goddamn shot. Fuck this guy. And, uh, if two armies were fighting in a narrow tunnel, within fifteen minutes the tunnel would fill up with dead bodies, rendering fighting between two full sized armies impossible fairly quickly.

answers are a few from here

november 22: Super 8 Conan the Barbarian Vietnam in HD A Madea Christmas: The Play november 29: The Smurfs Friends with Benefits Tucker & Dale vs. Evil One Day

Rourke appeared alongside Jennifer Love Hewitt in which 2001 music video?

Rourke is a dog lover, particularly which kind?

Rourke's entrance song into the boxing ring was often what?

Rourke has written several films under what alias?

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Pterodactyl

the interview

When we were offered a chance to interview Pterodactyl we were all, “Holy shit, those things still exist?” Then, when frontman Joe Kremer called, he didn’t sound like a dinosaur at all. On a positive note, he didn’t eat our face and was generally very nice. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: When you set out to start the band, did you have an idea of what you wanted to do with the music, or was it more an open-ended thing? Joe Kremer: We’ve never known what we’re doing at all, and I mean that in the best way possible. Whatever we’re into when we’re recording, that’s kind of what ends up on the record. I think it all has this essential character at the center, but we try not to exert too much control over the music. TBS: So when it’s time to sit down and do an album, how do you approach it? Joe: We have a process right now, definitely. On Spills Out we’ve incorporated some songwriting steps that we haven’t done before, but the basic idea is to just play a lot, jam, and record. For this album there’s like, days and days worth of recording that’s actually pretty shitty, but you can pick out the stuff that’s decent and you can start to assemble that stuff into songs. This time something interesting happened, we took some tender, young, vulnerable pieces and worked them through chord progressions on a piano. TBS: When it comes to writing a song, then, when you have to do the thing, is it a collaborative process? Joe: Spills Out was really collaborative, the past albums were a lot of me futzing around in my room and people bringing finished songs to the albums. It’s nice to go through the jamming stage with people, where we have passionate relationships to these ideas that turn into songs. We’d have Google docs open, complimenting each other and working through songs. It’s a very time-intensive process, but it’s worth it.

CD REVIEW

Out Now

Drake

Take Care

Taking care of his fans but not making new ones

D-

Canadian-born confied-to-a-wheelchair-actor turned apparently legitimate Jewish rapper (oh, he’s not exclusively Jewish?) Drake released his second album this week Take Care. Despite his all-around fame (Degrassi, this apparently popular rap, even a role in a freakin’ video game) it seems that little ole’ me has no idea about this dude. His rapping has never been anything worth listening to and upon writing this review, I couldn’t even recall his “one popular song.” Oh, there's more than one? Go figure.

make the cut like Lil Wayne or Eminem. Look, I can appreciate some hilariously offensive rap lyrics and appreciate them in a creative, poetic way, because rap is essentially rhyming poetry, right? These dudes just write poems about bitches and guns and whatever, right? He raps in the song “Marvin’s Room” that he’s had “sex four times this week.” Wow… neat. In his title song “Take Care” he talks about it being his birthday and that he’ll cry if he wants to… psych! He’ll actually “get high” if he wants to, which is a wonderfully original play on words.

I came into listening to this album with a relatively clean palate. I know that I’ve tried this before – I don’t exactly recall what exactly – but I just know that I didn’t really like it that much. Drake has a really boring voice and has never done anything unique or especially interesting with his music, considering he's in a genre where it's acceptable to go HAM and to be on the cutting-edge. With so many shitty wanna-be rappers and over-produced artists out there it’s easy to not catch my attention, which Drake has never done.

The tracks with the interesting collaborations (Andre 3000, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj) are stand-out songs on the album. I guess I'm just not a Drake fan, plain and simple. Hell, he even got a “Best New Music” review from Pitchfork music which, in all honesty, makes me start to question Pichfork’s legitimacy.

On top of all of that, Drake’s actual rapping is nothing to write home about, and his attempts at humor (please tell me he isn’t being serious) don't quite

Oh yeah, I just remembered his one song! He has those lyrics “last name ever, first name greatest” from that Sprite commercial. Good for him. Sounds Like: Really lame rap music. Listen to it When: You’re around Drake fans.

TBS: So how do you deal with all of that? I mean, you talk about a lot of development as a band. Do you feel like you owe anything to a label or to fans when you put out a new album, or do you just kinda do what you want to do? Joe: Is the question, do I look for challenges or do I feel a responsibility to do that? TBS: A responsibility. Joe: No, we look for challenges. The first record had a really jagged sound, the second album had all these soaring harmonies or whatever, and a lot of people who were Pterodactyl fans said, you know, “What the fuck is this?” But it’s not about them, I don’t know how we would make music any other way than just sort of letting things come out. Trying to exert control over it is just…I wouldn’t know how to do that. TBS: Do you think your music translates well live? Joe: Well, for the first time ever we’re touring with a keyboard player. It really keeps the songs grounded. I mean, singing is essential for every song, but being able to have a piano kind of keeps things together, it opens things way up, because people don’t have to play all the time, the piano can fill in. TBS: Whose decision was it to bring a piano in? Joe: Well, we knew we needed one, so I was just, “I want to be good at piano, so I’ll be our piano player!” We tried it for one show in Brooklyn and it…didn’t work. I’m not a very good piano player, so we realized the importance of bringing someone in. TBS: What is your favorite non-flying dinosaur? Joe: A pterodactyl sitting on the ground, I guess.

UPCOMING RELEASES >>> R.E.M. -Part Lies, Part Heart, Part Truth, Part Garbage: 1982 - 2011 Childish Gambino - Camp Sigur Ros -Inni

TBS: When you write lyrics, where do they come from? Joe: They’re all pretty personal. I mean, we like putting words together that sound good, but we like to make it obscure enough to where the songs have meaning, but we don’t look like fools for writing about what we’re writing about. We tend to hit a lot on self-reliance and valuing relationships.

Glee: The Music, The Christmas Album Vol. 2 Los Campesinos! - Hello Sadness Tegan and Sara - Get Along Gym Class Heros - The Papercut Chronicles II

TBS: What phrase do you hate most? Joe: I hate, the most, of any phrase: “Those who can’t do, teach.” I was a physics teacher for six years.

madlib: prepping for thanksgiving 1. Hardest class 2. Campus bar 3. Roommate 4. Favorite professor 5. Recent hookup 6. Bodily function 7. Article of clothing 8. Kitchen item 9. Hometown bar 10. High school name 11. Cheapest booze ever 12. High school enemy

13. Number 14. High school slut 15. Weird uncle 16. Body part 17. Cousin 18. Article of clothing 19. Cartoon movie 20. Food 21. Room 22. Sexual activity 23. High school hookup 23. High school teacher

( class time )

Wow, I am so excited for Thanksgiving break. Right after my _____1_____ test, I am going to hit up _____2_____ with _____3_____ and _____4_____ for a final night hoorah. Hopefully I won’t see _____5_____, because last time we met, I ended up _____6_____ in my _____7_____, and woke up wearing a _____8_____ for some reason? Weird. Anyway, once I get home, I plan on meeting up with the old crew. We already have plans to go to _____9_____ and _____10_____, and definitely drink some _____11_____ like we used to do back in the day. I also heard that _____12_____ gained at least _____13_____ pounds, and that _____14_____ is pregnant! So, I have to see them so I can make some jokes. As for Thanksgiving, well, I just hope that crazy Uncle _____15_____ doesn’t show up. Last time he came over, I swear he wanted to touch my _____16_____ while _____17_____ watched. He always asks creepy questions about my _____18_____, which just seems so strange. Anyway, after dinner, I hope we get to watch _____19_____, it’s my favorite movie by far. If we don’t, I’m just going to take all the extra _____20_____ from dinner, sit in the _____21_____, and go to town until I puke on myself. Sounds like the perfect break to me! I just hope it doesn’t go by too fast; I want to make sure I have enough time to _____22_____ _____23_____ and _____24_____, like old times!

ETNTOTMSISS! O’T WEV TDW AN ON

YOU

SATURDAY 11/19: UFC 139

SHOGUN (MAURICIO RUA) VS HENDO (DAN HENDERSON)

FIGHTS START AT 8PM

$2 DOMESTIC DRAFTS & BOTTLES

FRIDAY 11/25

THE TONS O’ FUN BAND SHOW STARTS AT 8:30PM $2 BUD AND BUD LIGHT CANS

fatcitybarandgrill.com | Corner of Neil & Green | 217-954-0556

( class time )

the Quiz

How badly do you need Thanksgiving Break?

1. The last time you did laundry was:

c. We all go to the same school. Best friends for life!

a. I’ve got a load in right now, don't you? b. A couple weeks ago. c. Haha… oh wait, you’re serious? I've been wearing my bathing suit for weeks now...

2. When you hear the phrase, “pulling an all nighter,” you think...

a. Welcome to my life. b. Are we talking about sex? 'Cause if so, that happened last night. And the night before. c. Yeah, I did one of those once, I think…

3. You talk to your friends from home...

a. Every week at the same time, like you planned after graduation. b. During breaks, if you're lucky.

4. The last time you had a solid home cooked meal was...

a. Last night, if you count Chili’s. b. The other night; I have all of mom's recipes, it's great! c. A few weeks ago when I went home to see mommy and daddy.

5. Your bank account goes up when...

a. I work double shifts...you know... b. It never goes up, only down (insert sexual joke here). c. I spend “quality time” with the relatives and make them feel bad about how poor I am.

6. A typical night's sleep consists of...

a. Listening to your neighbor get it on with yet another random person. b. You completely passed out from a night of partying. c. You waking up to your roommate's alarm at 6AM.

7. Your personal theme song is… a. Wiz Kalifa "No Sleep" b. Jay-Z/Kanye "In Paris" c. Skrillex "Scary Monsters"

8. Your favorite Modern Family Character is... a. Phil b. Gloria c. Manny

Answers

1. a1 b2 c3 2. a3 b2 c1 3. a2 b3 c1 4. a3 b1 c2 5. a1 b2 c3 6. a2 b1 c3 7. a1 b3 c2 8. a2 b3 c1

results

8-12 points aren't i on break now?

Wait. I haven't been to class in weeks and mom and dad keep sending me food, booze, and money...why do I want to go home? I guess it will be nice to throw back a few with pops and have mom buy me some new shoes, but I'll live without driving all the way back for a few days of boredom. Screw it! I can get a Thanksgiving dinner at TGI Friday's, right? That seems like a way better idea, plus I can keep my 3-month bender going!

13-17 points i think I could use a break

I'm not desperate to get home, but it would be nice to see the gang from high school, go to the old hangout, and get into some trouble around town. I might stick around here for a few days before getting back, because let's be serious, there's only so much of mom and dad I can really handle!

18-24 points I need thanksgiving break now!

I need to get the hell out of here before my stomach caves in from lack of nutrition and my dirty laundry attacks me. Seriously, my life is getting out of control and I can't handle working all morning, going to class all afternoon, studying all evening, and then watching everyone else get some action at night. I need to get home, eat some food, and call up that old hookup from high school right now!

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