Illinois - 3/7/12 - v20i08 by The Black Sheep

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The Booze News

• A COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT’S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE •

theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_UIUC

Volume 20, Issue 8 3/7/12 - 3/14/12

STICKING IT TO THE SCANTRON COLIN WROTE THIS

Well, beloved reader, it’s that time again. Midterms are upon us in full force, destroying our GPA and social calendar alike. Given the fact that you haven’t been to class yet (by the way, might be a good time to figure out where the midterm’s located), it might be time to start thinking about how exactly you’re going to go about passing this test. Studying is out. There’s just not enough time, and besides, that would require you to, you know, manage your time and figure out where on campus the library is. That leaves Adderall, every student’s favorite study-coke. But wait! It’s midterm season! Even if you could find some study-buddies - which you can’t - they’d be insanely expensive, not to mention how unpleasant the unspeakable things asked of you in return for that little orange savior are. That leaves cramming. After an hour or so (at the long end of our estimate) you realize that you may as well be studying Ancient Greek for how much sense that Business Process Management book makes. You try smoking breaks and changing location, coffee and Red Bull, to no avail. It’s time to put ethics aside and start doing what works: cheating. Cheating’s like masturbation. Anyone who says how often they do it under-exaggerates the frequency and anyone who says they haven’t tried it is a liar. Additionally, it’s not your fault this class is impossible to study for, or that you missed the review, or that you don’t know the name of the class, or that the one time you went in you were 45 minutes late and reeking of booze. No, kind reader, none of these are your fault. The universe is malicious and has it out for you. Therefore it’s only fair, neigh, expected of you to cheat. And if you will cheat, you must prepare to cheat well. The only thing less respectable than a cheater is one that gets caught. It’s like getting arrested at a playground. So, reader, let The Black Sheep do what it does best: tell you how you can keep syllabus week going well into April. Fill that pocket protector and tape the bridge of those glasses, we’re about to get academic on how to get academic. Cheating’s been around since the dawn of testing; you just didn’t know about it because methods for cheating on clay tablets just really aren’t applicable anymore. The game’s changed, and you need to change with it. Just in case you’re new to this whole “collective test taking” thing we’ve decided to break down cheating in its entirety, starting from the ground up. First and foremost,

cheating is all about preparation. Sounds counterintuitive, I know. You’re sitting there saying, “If I were going to prepare, I might have gone to class.” Well can it, because if you want to scrape by on the upward slope of that pass/fail line, you’re going to need some preparation. Pull yourself together, maybe put a clean shirt on and shave if you’re feeling really ritzy. If you walk into that classroom in your normal cloud of pot smoke and tardiness, you’re

going to find the only seats available to you are in the back, with little company, surrounded by pot-smelling tardy class-skippers. This is a cardinal mistake. Instead, the well-prepared cheater should arrive to class ten minutes before the start of the test. Note that time. Ten minutes. Any earlier and you’ll be unable to assess potential talent in the unfilled seats around you, and any later and the time to choose a seat has already passed.

CONTINUED ON PAGE 19

OTHER STUFF

INSIDE

A BUNCH OF BURNOUTS, LIKE THE REST OF US.

SERIOUSLY, WHAT’S WITH THIS “RACK CITY” SONG?

YOUR MOM’S MOUTH DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT.

SEE PAGE 6

SEE PAGE 9

SEE PAGE 18

University of Illinois Sports Roundup

Rap Translations for the Everyday Student Top 5: Places to Relieve Your Diarrhea

www.theblacksheeponline.com

TABLE OF > > > PAGE 5 >> Sex in the CU: Booty Call

PAGE 16 >> Bartenders of the Week

Etiquette

CONTENTS 7

FAKE TITS AND TRANSSEXUALS? THERE’S A MOVEMENT AFOOT IN OUR PANTS.

WHAT TO DO TO PLEASE YOUR AFTERHOURS-ONLY BOO..

PAGE 7 >> Reporting From the College PAGE 16 >> Drinking Game: Beeramid of Media Career Fair

YOU WON’T BE BUILDING ONE, THOUGH YOU COULD.

WHAT’S THAT SMELL? OH, DESPERATION.

PAGE 8 >> Unofficial Stings Get

PAGE 17 >> The Booze Review

Students Down

THREE OLIVES LOOPY VODKA- AND THEY SAY WEED IS A GATEWAY DRUG.

WELL THEN, MAYBE THEY SHOULDN’T HAVE GOTTEN SO FUCKED UP.

PAGE 9>>

From the Streets

WHAT’S THE MOST AWKWARD THING SOMEONE HAS SAID TO YOU AFTER SEX?

PAGE 10 >> What Your Library Choice Says About You

PAGE 18 >> The Top Ten

SPRING BREAK IDEAS THAT SOUND HORRIBLE BUT END UP BEING AWESOME

PAGE 20 >> Movie Revie: Act of Valor C’MON! LET’S GO SAIL THE SEVEN SEAS, GUYS!

NERRRRRRRRRRRRRDS!

Meet The Staff! MANAGING EDITOR Carly Kamp

CARTOONIST Alexandra Joyce

COPY EDITOR Mike Benson

PR MANAGERS Abbie Welch & Ken Halvachs

ADVERTISING MANAGER Michelle Lenzen Eric Blokel

PHOTOGRAPHER Caitlin Chrzanowski

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham OWNER Atish Doshi FOUNDERS Atish Doshi & Derek Chin QUESTIONS?

info@theblacksheeponline.com ADVERTISING?

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Disclaimer The Booze News & The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

PAGE FOUR

PIC OF THE WEEK >>> LETTER TO THE EDITOR

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p in the face? e life advice, or maybe just a sla Got a question? Concern? Need som ail.com Email our Editor at CKamp2@gm

This girl is still legit when everyone else had already quit. Think your caption is good enough for Page Four? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to

caption@theblacksheeponline.com

SEXY ANAGRAMS >>> LAST WEEK’S ANSWERS

VANESSA HUDGENS & GILLES MARINI

CAN YOU GUESS THESE HOTTIES?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com

The first 5 right answers win prizes!

WORD OF THE WEEK >>> DECORRUPTION

REPACK RAG

BI NECK ME ZEN

SUBMIT YOUR OWN WORD AT WORD@THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM IF YOU THINK YOU’RE SO CLEVER.

Definition: A style scheme that sees a college dorm or apartment primarily adorned with stolen merchandise. The decorruption in Stan’s apartment was phenomenal, and the “speed hump” sign he hung over his bed was the icing on the cake.

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SEX

BOOTY CALL ETIQUETTE

AND THE CU Relationships are overrated. You have to spend all of your time and money trying to make your significant other feel special. All of that crap about love, feelings, rainbows, and puppies is enough to make anyone want to gag. But what are you to do? Not have sex? Way out of the question, kids. Booty calls are your healthy alternative to relationships, but there are some rules you should all follow. BE AWARE OF THE TIME WHEN CALLING YOUR SLAM PIECE: Don’t go out on a Tuesday night, and then try to call at four in the morning. They're probably sleeping or studying at that point, and you won’t get it in that way. Keep in contact with your booty call before venturing out for the night. If she’s going out too, then by all means call the girl up. Don’t wake up anybody in the middle of the night. It makes you look like you think your sex is so good that we’d be willing to wake up for it, and if you’re drunk, it probably isn’t. DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, TALK ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS: Know what I don’t want to hear after we hook up? Three scary little words: “I love you.” No, you don’t. You love that I’m easy. I understand that after an orgasm we all feel that euphoria, and you think you love the person that did that for you. Hell, you might actually love that person, but it’s like a no-hitter, you still have to keep your mouth shut about it. When you add feelings into the mix, it’s not just hooking up anymore, and this is not going to turn into some stupid romantic comedy where there’s a grand gesture and a happy ending.

SLANG WROTE THIS DON’T TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS: You’re not dating; don’t expect the other person to care about your problems at all. You failed a huge exam? Oh well, go bitch to somebody else. Your dog died? I don’t care, buddy, and please stop crying about it. There’s literally no problem in the world that your booty call cares to hear about. Keep that shit on lockdown. Except STD's. If one of your stresses is that you just discovered you have every venereal disease in the book, then you should feel free to share that information. KEEP YOURSELF WELL-GROOMED: Another con of relationships is that people get complacent. Skip shaving today? Sure! Why the hell not? I’m in love, and no amount of hair or odor can change that! Wrong. Always wrong, and especially wrong when it comes to a booty call. Gentlemen, if I’m going down on you, it probably shouldn’t feel like I’m flossing. You know how you get super grossed out when there’s a hair in your food? What makes you think I want your pubes in my teeth? Keep it trimmed, wash it daily, and watch your sex life improve. Here’s a fun fact: if you keep yourself in good condition, the person you’re fooling around with probably will, too. KEEP YOUR JEALOUSY IN CHECK. You’re not dating, so don’t go all Chris Brown when you see your usual booty call talking to somebody else. Fidelity is for unhappily married people. Go out with whomever you want to and let the other person do the same. The only way to keep things going is to keep it casual. Jealous rages are nobody’s friend. They just make you look like a psychopath. Before you know it, you’ll lose your usual action.

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DON’T FUCKING PUKE ON THE PERSON YOU’RE HOOKING UP WITH. Know what the least sexy thing in the world is? Vomit. KEEP IT WRAPPED. As I said, vomit isn’t at all sexy. That’s all babies do, so keep the possibility of unwanted children to a minimum. You don’t want to be tied to this person for life do you? Keep to these rules, and you’re sure to keep that booty call around…for now.

UNIVERSITY OF ILLINOIS SPORTS ROUNDUP:

A BUNCH OF BURNOUTS LIKE THE REST OF US KEN DOLL WROTE THIS As March Madness begins and the fabled NCAA Tournament draws closer, the University of Illinois men’s basketball team’s chances of competing in the tournament seem practically nonexistent. This realization has students, enthusiasts, and fans all asking one question: what the fuck is new? If U of I athletics have shown us anything this year, it’s that we can take something with a lot of potential and waste it like a child with five dollars in a candy store. After the impressive 6-0 to 0-6 swing that our football team pulled off in the fall, it could be assumed that they were on a losing streak they had no intention of coming out of. You know what happened then? They fought hunger out in San Francisco and kicked its ass 20-14 on New Year’s Eve. Let’s take a look at University of Illinois basketball. The Illini started out 10-0, then lost 11 of the last 13. When it comes to what should be “no problem” games like Purdue or Penn State, the team ends up getting their asses handed to them. But when it comes to teams we have no business being on the court with like Ohio State or Michigan State, we come to play. What’s the deal? Athletic Director Mike Thomas seems to believe that the problem has been with our athletic program's coaches. He kicked Zook to the curb and has Weber professionally figure skating on some pretty thin ice right now. I have a different theory. The problem isn’t that U of I sports has poor coaching; the problem is that U of I athletics is one giant U of I student. Like all U of I students, it has a lot of talent. It’s pretty good at whatever it does, and if it works hard and puts in the effort, it can accomplish some pretty impressive things. Also, like U of I students, all it really wants to do is put in just enough effort to get by, get hammered, and try to bang the first unattractive thing that hits on it. Let’s take a look at what happened two years ago. The men’s basketball team slacked off and landed itself in the NIT. For those of you who don’t know what that is: it’s National Invitational Tournament (aka: “sucks to suck” club). You should get to know this tournament, because there’s a strong chance we will be accepting an invitation as a consolation prize if we don’t pull off a couple miracles in the Big Ten Tournament this year. In 2010 we got to the tournament and were seeded to win the whole thing. We were the only big name in the tournament. Can you guess what happened next? The team realized the tournament was cutting into their spring break, so they lost halfway through and started pouring margaritas. University of Illinois sports have made a habit of striving for mediocrity, but who can blame them? In their shoes we wouldn’t do anything different. Could the football team have made an actual bowl game this year? Probably. But think about how proud of them everyone was when they finally got a win after six consecutive defeats. Will the men’s basketball team make the NCAA tournament this year? Probably not. But think about how excited people will be if they rake in an NIT championship. Okay, it’s probably not that exciting, but it is better than if they get into the tournament and lose in the first round, right? Maybe one day our sports teams will stop settling for blowjobs from fat chicks and actually take an attractive girl to dinner. In the meantime, let’s enjoy our mediocre victories that we score and give our teams a break. They are just following the University of Illinois student motto: don’t work hard, work a little bit, then go get drunk.

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THE THREE PEOPLE YOU WILL LOSE MONEY TO IN THE NCAA TOURNAMENT MICHAEL ROTTAR WROTE THIS Well The Black Sheep readers, the weather is getting warmer, midterms are upon us, and your attendance rate for your classes is steadily declining. This can only mean one thing: March is upon us. Naturally, with March comes the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. You have spent a lot of your parents’ money this semester, and you’re probably banking on winning some big bucks in your bracket to cover the damages. Now, I understand that you subscribe to ESPN Insider; and instead of looking for internships you’ve been analyzing statistics of players and teams who are predicted to play in the dance. Unfortunately, I’m about to drop a smelly, runny load of truth on you: you will not be winning any money off the NCAA tournament this year. Before you throw down this publication in disgust, let me tell you exactly who the people are that you will be losing to regardless of how much ESPN you watch. THE COMPULSIVE GAMBLER: Every group of friends has one, which means you’re bound to have at least one in your bracket pool. This kid needs the money. Bad. He’s already a grand in debt and is in serious danger of having his thumbs broken by some punk frat-star from the suburbs. He honestly has no business entering this competition. However, he gambles and loses so much that his odds of actually winning for once are higher than yours (I asked a nice homeless man outside Potbelly’s if my statistical math was correct in this assumption. He said it was, and then threatened to urinate on me if I didn’t pay for his bus ticket, so you can trust that my logic here is sound).

THE GIRL WHO DOESN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT COLLEGE BASKETBALL: Before you get your feminist panties in a twist, put down your field hockey sticks and listen to me. Ladies, you know I love you. You’re basically the only motivation I have to get out of bed in the morning and doing something productive. However, there are some girls that just don’t know anything about men’s college basketball. If this girl is in your bracket tournament group, you can stick a fork in yourself because you’re done. Her method of filling out her bracket is based solely on who has the prettiest uniforms or which team has the cutest mascot. While this method may sound bat-shit crazy, the randomness of this type of selection goes well with the chaos that is the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament. Be prepared to watch your money be spent on vodka Sprites and feminine hygienic products. THE RANDOM KID THAT YOUR FRIEND INVITED INTO THE GROUP TO MAKE THE POT BIGGER: Let’s call this random kid Charlie. Charlie lives by himself in a one-bedroom apartment in bumble-fuck Urbana. You wouldn’t even know Charlie if he hadn’t gone to high school with one of your friends. However, he will be invited to join your tournament group to make the pot bigger. Charlie is totally willing to lose 20 dollars for some healthy social interaction. In the end, you will lose all your money to this stranger. What makes this even worse is that you don’t hang out with him, which means you won’t be able to go to the bar with him and convince him to spend his winnings on buying you drinks all night. Maybe it’s about time you take that job at the ARC wiping sweat off all the machines.

REPORTING FROM THE COLLEGE OF MEDIA CAREER FAIR KENT BENSON WROTE THIS

Kids, the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament is a cruel mistress. After poring over hours of data, some boner 16th seed team will make a run in the tournament and ruin your bracket. One of the three people I mentioned will probably have chosen that team, and you get to watch in despair as Boner State University crushes Kentucky in the first round. Better luck next year, idiot.

As the forefront of journalistic integrity of this fine University, The Black Sheep took it upon themselves to send me to report on the Media Career Seminar which took place last Saturday. Promising to be an exciting expedition of keynote speakers, informational booths, and free pizza, I was itching to see what a future in Media and Journalism could have in store for our soon-to-be graduates. You might be asking, “Why should the rest of the students care about Media majors?” This question, one that all Media majors deal with on a daily basis, pretty much answers itself. Media is the forgotten major of the University. Obviously Engineering is enormous, and Business is popular among disenchanted Physics dropouts. However, the thing both of those have in common is the way they look down on all other majors, more specifically, LAS majors. And the one major which is looked down upon the most in LAS is undeniably Media. Sure, English and Creative Writing are pointless, but at least they get the girls—all Media majors get are opportunities to act like Ron Burgundy all day. Now, though, they also get this Career Fair. I wanted to get the full experience, so I was sure to arrive bright and early. There were only a few stands set up, which seemed odd since I got there after the fair had opened. I asked one of the stand occupiers why there were so few presenters there, and she told me that, due to the snow, many of the Media professionals were not able to ride their bikes and longboards to the event. I was informed that the ones who were there were the few who could afford bus fare. The stands that were set up, however, provided useful and relevant advice for any Media major. Some of the stands included, “Saving Money by Shopping at Aldi,”

“How to Barter With Your Pot Dealer,” and the most popular stand at the event, “Shelter Smarts: How to fashion a shank for protection at your local homeless shelter.” This was quite an exciting event for Media students, but I wanted to get the inside scoop from professionals about the in’s and out’s of a career in Media. “I knew I wanted to be a journalist the first time I saw Almost Famous. The idea of traveling, writing, and living an exciting life full of rock stars, life lessons, and memories was enthralling to me. The movie did say that journalists don’t make much money, but I was prepared for that. I was excited to live life as an enlightened tramp-poet. But then I realized that you need money for things like rent and food, and that being a journalist is 99% sitting in front of a computer and 1% talking to famous people. But I’m optimistic! I have found that hopping from line to line on the "L" is a great way to keep warm throughout the day, and, as you can see by my stand, I have found that yoga and meditation are great ways to distract yourself from an agonizingly trite existence as a professional writer.” The students who managed to overhear this statement seemed concerned at first, but then re-gained their confidence in the major when they heard the rumor that Chuck Klosterman might make an appearance at the event. All-in-all, the event was a complete success. After becoming nauseous from the smell of coffee and sociopathic voices of prospective news anchors, I decided to call it a day. I, for one, have nothing but respect for these brave students who are willing to undergo a life of ramen noodles and secondhand clothing stores to enlighten your life through broadcast news, photographs, web design, and satirical newspapers.

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UNOFFICIAL STINGS GETS STUDENTS DOWN MR. BYRNES WROTE THIS In the weeks to come, there are a few people who will not be paying for their underage drinking tickets from Unofficial. People who sold their patriotic freedom in exchange for allowing the police to use them like a screwdriver (and not the good type, with vodka). For those who don’t know what I mean, let me enlighten you on the phenomenon of “Sting Operations” in our fair city. Some individuals, facing a hefty charge for underage drinking, can choose to either pay their ticket or volunteer to take part in police stings on various liquor stores. The volunteer will usually walk into a store, attempt to buy liquor from the store, come back out and tell the cops if it worked, and then get on their knees and suck the baby batter out of the pig’s beef thermometer. Of all the dirty trickery the police force is willing to pull, these stings are the lowest. We've all been there before: from the first sip of glorious hop we've looked to these folks in times of great need—birthdays and bad days alike. It’s insulting, really, and now the police are taking things further. They are no longer using these Benedict Arnolds just for underage alcohol sales—They're trying to bust us for almost anything you can think of. Several spineless individuals who were involved in such “sting” operations have come forth quivering like one of Sarah McLachlan’s ASPCA puppies. They have claimed that the Champaign PD has put them through some strange, downright unnecessary, undercover situations. After hearing the terrifying tales of the

dirty, erect scoundrels that were willing to talk, we here at TBS felt a combination of pity and sexual tension mixed with a side of sweatiness. The first sting victim, a lady friend that goes by the name of Blondie McGreatits, said she had been accused on the 2nd of March of underage drinking and riding one of those weird, colorful bull sculptures outside of the Architecture Building shouting, “Hi-ho Silver, I’m a drunken slut!” She faced the choices of going to jail FOR LIFE, or going undercover. She made the obvious choice. Her objective was simple: catch a predator. “Yeah, like, it was really weird. The cops made me go up to random old dudes and show them my tits. They also made me say things like, ‘I’m 16 and love mature men,’ or, ‘my nipples are so tender, could you rub some of this lotion on them?’ I was like, ‘WTF, normally I would never do that to anyone over 35,’ but whatever at least I don’t have to pay my ticket or tell my parents about it anymore.” Another victim comes to us from the international community. A proper English freshman was caught drinking an alcoholic beverage at a party while underage. The CPD had this gentleman go undercover to catch jaywalkers. “The most esteemed constables found it necessary to force me

to jaywalk while engaging in fisticuffs with random strangers in the middle of the street. The entire exercise was simply absurd, and the end result saw me rupture several subcutaneous blood vessels, simply to get out of some hullabaloo-inspired fine.” Unbelievable. It is absolutely sickening to hear accounts of cruel and highly unusual sting operations that cops are willing to put students through. “After getting a ticket on Unofficial, I had already accepted the consequences. I had a pretty solid internship last summer and had money to pay of the ticket no problem. The cops forced me to do a ‘sting’ operation, however. They dressed me in a luchador costume and had me stand in the middle of Assembly Hall. The next thing I know, the former WCW wrestler Sting drops down from the rafters looking like The Crow and starts wailing on me with his wooden, black baseball bat. Where the hell did Sting come from? It was all horrible.” There you have it Champaignites. That just goes to show ya; if you get in trouble with Johnny Law’s less achieving cousin, Abner, you’ll probably end up getting the crap kicked out of you by former pro wrestling legends.

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RAP TRANSLATIONS FOR THE EVERYDAY STUDENT HANNAH JOHNSON WROTE THIS

Of all popular music genres, none are as confusing as rap. Nowadays, rappers are throwing out lyrics that make absolutely no sense to about 98% of the population. That leaves only 2% of the population lucky enough to say they can decipher the language, while everyone else is left in the dark bobbing their heads to the songs, pretending they have even the slightest clue. This article is dedicated to those rap illiterates, because nothing is more embarrassing than getting caught saying the wrong lyrics because you don’t know them. Or, even worse, getting caught not knowing what the lyrics are talking about and looking like a complete and utter dumbass. Here are some excerpts from popular rap songs for you not only to learn, but also to understand. “THE MOTTO” BY DRAKE Actual Lyrics: I'm a fuckin man, you don't get it do ya? You got money so everybody acting like they knew ya I'm a Uptown, New York City, bitch Some Spanish girls love me like I'm Aventura Tell Uncle Luke I'm out in Miami too Clubbing hard, suckin' dick ain't much to do Translation: I am a gentleman, but you probably don’t believe me when I say that. People only like me because I have money. I like to think of myself as a New Yorker, but I’m actually from Canada. Some Spanish females think I was in a band while the rest know me as the wheelchair kid from Degrassi. No one wants to hang out with me so I might as well contact my uncle for some family bonding time. I am going to go to a club tonight to meet women and ask them for sexual intercourse. If they deny me, I will settle for a blowjob. What It Means: Drake just used a bunch of fancy words to make his life seem great. But we can read through his contextual bullshit and see that he is just that kid with the afro from Degrassi. “RACK CITY” BY TYGA Actual Lyrics: Rack City, bitch, Rack, Rack City, bitch Ten, ten, ten, twenties on yo titties bitch Hundred D VIP – no guest list T Raw you don’t know you who you fuckin’ with Got ma other bitch fuckin’ with ma other bitch Fuckin’ all night, n*gga we ain’t celibate Translation: Las Vegas is known for having women putting their chests on display, female. That woman over there has ten, ten, ten (curse my speech impediment) – actually twenty dollars in her bra strap. The VIP section of this establishment looks rather pricey, but it might be worth it to not get turned away at the door again.

FROM 'DA STREETS Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com!

What's the most awkward thing someone has ever said to you after sex?

"Can you get off me now?" - Jeff P., Junior

That doorman better let me in, or I am calling the authorities because I paid my dues. I introduced a good friend to another friend of mine. Now we can all be close acquaintances. We are going to play board games all night. I don’t have a bedtime.

"Wow, that was fast." - Steve W., Freshman

WHAT IT MEANS: Tyga is obviously talking about his first time in Las Vegas and how it didn’t go as planned. We almost would not have heard the true meaning of the song due to his stuttering problem acting up on every other line. “DANCE (ASS)” BY BIG SEAN Actual Lyrics: I walk in with my crew and I'm breaking they necks I'm looking all good I'm making her wet They pay me respect they pay me in checks And if she look good she pay me in sex Translation: I noticed that women often go out of their way to get my attention. My appearance is sub-par tonight. I accidentally poured a drink on her chest, and now she is soaked. Her friends accepted my apology by running up my tab. I tell attractive women that they can pay me back in sex, but they usually leave their credit card instead. What It Means: Big Sean is trying to be a player in the club, but it is obviously not working for him. He makes you forget that by saying the word ‘ass’ approximately 2,685 times. Of course this guide will only last you as long as these songs are popular for, which will be rendered useless once other rap songs are created – roughly one every thirty seconds.

"So what's your name again?" - Jason F., Junior

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EASY CLASS IS NOT SO EASY KITTY KAT WROTE THIS We’ve all been through this at least once a semester: You sit down at your desk, the professor passes out the midterm, and your heart stops. There, in front of you, are 50 questions about who the hell knows what. You start to sweat, tug at your collar, and your heart starts racing. “Wait, what the fuck is this? I thought this was supposed to be a blow-off class...” You’re so lost that you just start bubbling in patterns on your Scantron sheet to make it look like you tried. There isn’t a worse feeling in the world than knowing you’re about to completely bomb a class. Well, other than finding out you’re pregnant or that you forgot to brush your teeth after finding out you’re pregnant. The only reason that you signed up for that class in the first place was because you needed an easy A, and now that’s not going to happen at all. You probably would have been better off taking some 400-level physics class instead. Hate to break it to you, but you’re screwed. The problem is our professors. They have their little doctorate degree heads so far up their buttholes that they forget they’re not the only teacher on campus. They don’t realize that we’re taking four or five other courses this semester that require us to do the same ridiculous things. If you’re teaching a class that is a popular general education requirement, cut us kids a break. Don’t be a dick; help us pass. We don’t give a shit about the subject anyway; we’re just taking it because we have to. When you hand out the syllabus on the first day of class and tell us that 50% of our grade relies on the midterm, we damn well better be getting a good study guide. There’s no reason to play tricks and screw us over when we’re pouring all of our money into your wallets through tuition and textbook profits. For instance, I’m suffering through this exact thing right now in some random media elective that I thought I could coast right through. Yeah, well, I’m not. So I have this asshole, ponytailwearing professor who thinks that we’re totally capable of reading over a hundred pages a week on the world’s most boring topics. It’s like watching paint dry. On top of that we’re working part time jobs and churning out duties for our other obligations like one of these articles every week. We want to be able to enjoy our weekends a bit, man. Even engineers have more of a social life than those of us in these lousy courses nowadays. They’re going out, getting drunk, talking about robots and chemical explosions, while we’re stuck inside on a Friday

WHAT YOUR LIBRARY CHOICE SAYS ABOUT YOU LIBRARY REGULARS WROTE THIS

night, reading about the history of the printing press. We’re reading from books printed off of a printing press, isn’t that proof enough that the thing is cool? So now what do you do? The semester is halfway over, and there’s no way you can back out of this class now without taking a big ol’ zero. You’re so far behind on the reading and assignments that not even a few late-night cram sessions could save your soul. That leaves you with only one option: continue to do nothing … academically, that is. Now your grade depends on your street smarts, not how much of a bookworm you are. And truly, this is what shows your real intelligence. This would be the perfect time to start sending out a few raunchy emails to your TA, asking what he’s doing Thursday night. Let him know that your roommates will be gone and that you’ve been a very lonely, bad girl. Start making friends in the class too. Not for study groups, silly! For cheating! Find that smart Asian kid and ask him to save you a seat on the day of the final. Take some tips from Cher in Clueless. Get a little one-on-one time with your prof and argue your way back up to an A. Blame it on your time of the month or the death of some estranged, long-lost cousin of a brother’s son. You were just too emotionally unstable to give the class your best effort. If none of these options work out for you, then you obviously have no talent or charisma and deserve to fail this class. Let’s face it, in the real world you’re not going to land a job based on your exam score or how well you can describe immigration to America in 500 words or less. It’s all about whom you know and and if you’re willing to suck their dick.

Like any great university, the University of Illinois has many libraries (wonderful buildings where knowledge is housed in the form of books). For those unfamiliar with libraries, they are basically the internet stripped of all its godless superfluity (i.e. games, music, and pornography). What many don’t realize is that the library you choose says a lot about you, and I, like Santa Claus, am always there watching to judge the shit out of you. MAIN LIBRARY: This library boasts the largest collection of books amongst public schools in the United States. It is the third largest amongst all university libraries in the U.S. behind only Harvard and Yale (don’t fret, fellow Illinites, we dominate these schools in the more important statistical categories such as the number of documented cases of HPV, aggravated assaults, and underwater murders). The Main Library is not only the oldest library on campus, but also the oldest building in the world, narrowly beating out Stonehenge by a fortnight. If you frequent this library, it means you’re the kind of person who appreciates the prestige of leather bound books and rich mahogany. You’re an elitist. UGL: When I first came to campus, I though the Undergraduate Library was underground because it was the UNDER-graduate library. It turns out, though, that it was built underground not because of clever word play, but because the powers that be were worried that the shadow cast over the Morrow Plots would ruin the world’s oldest experimental corn field. This begs many questions, the most pertinent being, “Who gives a fuck?” Based on this information, I can only assume that every single person to ever set foot in the UGL is a dirty tree-hugging environmentalist, making them my sworn enemies. ACES: Chances are that if you frequent this library you're one of the poor souls who was doomed to living on “that” side of the campus freshman year. Congratu-

lations on staving off your inevitable suicide well into second semester! Of course, it is entirely possible that you have actually “chosen” to live there in which case you are probably not in the library to study but rather to highlight your individuality by doing the exact opposite of studying, whatever that is. The great upside to this building is that the clock tower, U of I’s great symbol of Midwestern fertility, is clearly visible. If you ever need a break you can just gaze off into the distance and imagine what it must feel like to be the ghost of great Chief Illiniwek, cleaving the sky in two, with your giant, musical cock. Clearly an ACES attendee is a sad, pathetic, and desperate type of person. GRAINGER: If you are in this library, it probably means you are a greasy-faced Engineering or Computer Science major with ambitions of creating the next great iPhone app to help streamline the sharing of captioned cat pictures. It is also possible that you are an English major who just wanted to stop by and see what it feels like to be part of a program that the university invests in. Feels nice, don’t it? THE EDUCATION AND SOCIAL SCIENCES LIBRARY: Wait, what? You have no idea where this library is? Never even heard of it? Exactly. It can only be assumed that anyone who even took the time to discover this secluded place is hours into an Adderall-fueled study session, desperately trying to make up for weeks of procrastination. You might think these people are paranoid weirdoes hiding out from the rest of the world, but everyone knows that the government’s secret mind reading device can only be stopped by the presence of educational psychology books and creaky old chairs. Don’t try and change libraries now; accept who you are and embrace your fellow nerds. It’s okay though; nerds are the new jocks in today’s day and age. Your brains are beautiful, even if you aren't.

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The Bar Grid Page 1 of 3 SATURDAY: SPRING BREAK MADNESS! Win A Trip to MEXICO We are loading you up for Spring Break.. Hats-T-Shirts-Beach Gear!

FRIDAY Centaur Live at Midnight! With Special Guests Redgrave (10PM) and Dibiase (11PM)

312 VIBE NIGHT featuring great live bands and DJs every week! $3 20oz Mug Refills! $1 PBR Drafts & Busch Lt. Cans! $1 Cover

$2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

THURS 3/08

$1 Wells $2 SoCo Lime Shots $2.50 SoCo, Jack Daniels & Tuaca Mixers $3 Long Islands $4 Domestic Pitchers

Theta Chi presents LYRICS 4 LIFE (Early Show!) SANTAH and AVA LUNA (Late Show!)

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE!! Includes Patron, Grey Goose, Jack, Bacardi, Bud...All $2!

Book Your Spring Events Here!

FRI 3/09

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3 Premium Flavored Long Islands $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

FAMILY GROOVE COMPANY with THE COOP and THE GIVING TREE BAND

Happy Hour Food Special 4-9pm $3 Burgers, $5 Wings & Fries $2 Bud Light 24oz Tallboy Cans $3 Jameson & Absolut $3 Jager Bombs

Centaur Live at Midnight! With Special Guests Redgrave (10PM) and Dibiase (11PM)

SAT 3/10

$1 Cherry & O Bombs $2 Jäger Bombs, $2 Wells $2.50 Miller & Coors Bottles $3 Bacardi Mixers $3 Signature Shots $7 Domestic Pitchers

CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE Cowboys vs. Aliens featuring VASKI, DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS and more!

SPRING BREAK MADNESS! Win A Trip to MEXICO We are loading you up for Spring Break.. Hats-T-Shirts-Beach Gear!

With Special Guests Palace Flophouse (10PM) and That’s No Moon (Midnight)

** CLOSED **

Book your next Party or Event at Clybourne! Call 217-722-9000 or Email CochraneParty@gmail.com

Big Dave's Trivia Night - 7PM! $1 Miller Lite Drafts $1 Miller High Life Drafts $2 Bushmills Shots $3 Red Bull Vodkas

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

SPECIAL NIGHT WED 3/07

NEXT FRIDAY AND SATURDAY St. Patrick's Weekend! $2.50 Green Beer Pints (while it lasts) $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles $6 Green Beer Pitchers 15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

SATURDAY:

CHALICE DUBS MASQUERADE: Cowboys vs. Aliens featuring VASKI, DJ SOLO, POSITIVE VIBR8IONS and more!

The Soil and the Sand, Live at 11PM!

SUN 3/11

Closed

MON 3/12

Mason Jar Monday “Pub Quiz” Starts at 8:30pm $3 Double Wells, Double Jack Daniels, Double SoCo, Bud and Bud Lt.

** CLOSED **

Book your next Party or Event at Clybourne! Call 217-722-9000 or Email CochraneParty@gmail.com

TUES 3/13

Tuesday Tacos Starts at 7pm $3 Cover for All-U-Can-Eat Tacos $2 Wells $3 Miller Lite & Coors Light “Tall boys” $3 Tequila Sunrise & Margaritas

THE PIANO MAN Playing all your favorites! Come and hear our new Piano Man - BEN MONTALBANO! And, come out early for the sweet sounds of JAMES MOORE! $2 Real Long Island Iced Teas!

WINE NIGHT $8 Bottles of Wine $8 Bottles of Champagne $2 Svedka Vodka $3 Vegas Bombs

Open Mic Night Inside Stage

$2 Wells $2 Bud Light Bottles

Salsa & Tango! Tango from 8-10, Salsa Music All Night Long! $2.50 Bacardi Flavors $2.50 Coronas

WED 3/14

15¢ wings 8pm ‘til they’re gone Original, Hot, Spicy Garlic, Hawaiian BBQ

$1.50 Miller High Life bottles $2 Flavored Long Islands $2 Jäger Bombs (minis) $2 Oak and Coke

RACHEL PLATTEN with BESS ROGERS (Early Show!) 312 VIBE NIGHT (Late Show!) featuring great live bands and DJs every week!

The BarGrid Page 2 of 3 SPECIAL NIGHT WED 3/07

Green Street Café 35 E. Green Street

SUNDAY: Big Ten Championship at 2pm Blackhawks vs Kings 7pm $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE

EVERY DAY: $1 Kamikazes $1.25 High Life Drafts $3 Jager Bombs $5 Pitchers of High Life

Play Minute to Win It Win Cubs Tickets Bud Mug Night $2 Bud & Bud Lt. 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels $2 SoCo, $1 Shots

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

35 E. Green Street

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs OPEN MIC Night $3 Strong Islands $2.50 $4Corona Oh Yeah's $2.50 Jager $4Bombs ICB's Wednesday

Friday: WWHP Presents

Fred Eaglesmith Live at 8PM (Early Show, Doors at 6PM)

DJ Delayney Spinning the Best (Late) $4 Double Wells

EVERY MONDAY MNJ! Come Get Some! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikaze

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

Reverend Horton Heat! With Goddam Gallows and Larry & His Flask Doors Open 7PM

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card Bulls vs Bucks at 7pm

$3.50 White Russians $3 Any Draft $7.50 Italian Beef

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

ILLINI VS IOWA AT 11am 1/2 Price Burgers ALL Day $3 Bacardi Drinks $7 Bacardi Pitchers $4 Bacardi Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich or Shrimp Basket and Fries $2 Red Headed Sluts $6 Coors Light Pitchers $3 Smirnoff U-Call it Blackhawks at 7:30pm

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$4 Pitchers Miller Lite $4 ICB’s or Bud Light $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Imports and Specialty Beers $3 Doctors

Big Ten Tourney Watch All the Games Here Hawks vs Rangers 7:30pm

$3 Strong Islands $4 Double Vodka Wells

$2 Miller Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Captian & Coke $4 Oh Yeah's

$3.50 Dr. McGillicuddy’s $5.50 Jager Bombs $7.95 Fish Sandwich

WWHP Presents Fred Eaglesmith Live at 8PM (Early Show, Doors at 6PM) DJ Delayney Spinning the Best (Late) $4 Double Wells

$3 Wells $4 Top Shelf $4 Double Whisky Wells

$2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dr's Shots $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Oh Yeah's

Watch the Hawks Here All Season Long!

DJ and Dancing All Night!

1/2 Price Burgers $2 Jager Barrels $3 Sailor Jerry $3 Orangey Kriegs

SUN 3/11

Big Ten Championship at 2pm Blackhawks vs Kings 7pm $2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE

$2 U-Call-It $3 Top Shelf $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Miller Lights $2 Well Drinks $3 Call Drinks $4 Signature Drink

$3 Vodka Red Bulls $5 Coors Light & Miller Light Pitchers $5 Nachos

Free Shuttle from Wright and Daniel Every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday!

Sunday Funday! BIG TEN CHAMPIONSHIP AT 2PM Blackhawks vs Kings at 7ppm $4 Cups of Shots

$1 DRAFTS $10 Natty Hydrants $2 Mind Erasers $1 Pinnacle Vodka Shots Half Price Apps 4-10pm

$.50 Pizza Slices (8pm to Midnight) $8 Pizza & a Pitcher $4 Pitchers $3 Double Spiced Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

$1 Draft Refills, Miller and Bud light $2 Rum and Coke's $3 Rumplemintz $4 Strong Islands

$3 Jameson $2 Coors Light and Miller Light Draft 1/2 Off Apps (After 5pm) $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

80s Night With DJ Mingram $1.50 Wells and Domestic Bottles NO COVER

MNJ! Come Get Some! 1/2 Price Sandwiches $2 Purple Kamikaze

Blackhawks vs. Blues 7pm WIN HAWKS TICKETS to the Bud Light Lounge! $2.99 Cheeseburger & Chips from 4pm-10pm $2 Wells & Captain Morgan

$1 Chicken Strips & $.50 Wings (8pm to Midnight) $2 Tequila Shots $3 Double Vodka Wells $4 Patron $6 Late Night Food Specials

Karaoke Night $2 Domestic Bottles $3 Dbl Vodka/RB $3 Marky Bomb's $4 Peach Long Beaches

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Wells $7.50 Roast Beef and Cheddar Melt

Closed for Private Party

8th GRADE DANCE! $2 Blue Moons & Cuervo Shots $2 Woodchuck $4 Loaded Woodchucks Blackhawks at 7PM

Karaoke Bomb Night $2.50 Ice Bombs $3 Jager& Vegas Bombs $4 Bacardi& Car Bombs $6 Late Night Food Specials

Open Mic Night $2.50 Corona's $2.50 Jager Bombs $3 Strong Islands $4 Oh Yeah's $4 ICB's

Closed for a Private Party Book Your Events Here!

$2 Jager Bombs $4 Sloppy Joe 25% Off Any Menu Item with Your I-Card

FRI 3/09

THURS 3/08

$2 Bud Light Bottles B10 - Illini vs Iowa - 11am

Live Band & Open Mic Night! $1 Miller Lite Bottles $3 Double Rum Wells $6 Late Night Food Specials

MON 3/12

$3 Strong Islands

TUES 3/13

Bulls vs Bucks 7pm

THURSDAY MONDAY: $4 Pitchers Miller Lite $3 Jameson or Bud Light $2 Coors Light Night $2Special Domestic Bottles and Miller Light Draft Happy Hour $1and off all Appetizers and ½ off all Hookah’s (at GSC2) 6-8 every(After day. $3 Imports Specialty 1/2 Offfrom Apps 5pm) Free pool during hour!!! Beers | $3happy Doctors $7.50 BBQ Pork Sandwich

Spring Break Madness! WIN A TRIP TO MEXICO

We are loading you up for break with Free T-Shirts- Hats- Beach Gear!

$5 Bud Light 40's $3 Captain Morgan $3 Jager Bombs | $3 Bud Light

WED 3/14

SAT 3/10

Big Ten Tourney

$3 Bud Lt. Platinum Bottles $3 Bacardi Drinks $3 Bacardi Grape Bombs or any other Bacardi Flavor $3 Bacardi Oak Heart DJ Alex Polvere Spinning

Play Minute to Win It WIN HAWKS TICKETS to the Bud Light Lounge! Bud Mug Night

$2 Bud & Bud Lt. 25oz Refills $2 Jack Daniels, $2 SoCo, $1 Shots

$6 Late Night Food Specials

$3 Jack Daniels $3 Bacardi Flavors + Red Bull $2.50 Red Stripe

$7.50 Jamaican Jerk Chicken

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KAM'S DOWNTOWN

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

SHACKER NIGHT $2 UV Vodka $2 Bud Light Bottles $3 SoCo Lime Shots $5 Shackers 24oz $6 Red Bull Super Shackers

Boot Night $8 Boot with Fill (doesn’t include Guiness) $5 Refills $3 Jim & Jack

$7.50 Domestic Pitchers $7.50 Margarita pitchers $2.50 Corona $3 Quervo shots

FRI 3/09

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

3.3.0 Saturdays $3 3 Olive Drinks $3 You Call It

THURS 3/08

FRIDAY: SPRING BREAK MADNESS - Open at 5pm! $1 Fatty Natty Bottles

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

WED 3/07

$3.50 Absolut Blue Guys $2.00 22os Lite Drafts $2.50 16oz Lite Bottle Cans

SUN: TRIVIA NIGHT! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

MONDAY:

SPECIAL NIGHT

FRI & SAT: $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Big10 Tourney HQ! Watch and Win Prizes Thursday – Sunday

We are giving away lots of stuff for Spring break...T-shirts, Hats Beach Gear and More!

Bacardi Girls T-shirts, Hats & More $1.50 Bud Family Bottles $5 Pitchers $2.50 Bacardi Drinks $3.50 Blue Guys

$3 Fat Tire Drafts $3 Bacardi Flavors

Klub Kams + Big 10 Tourney! DJ Jay LaVitola Open 10:30am for IL vs. Iowa Shoot to Win Prizes $3.50 Absolut Blue Guys $2.00 22os Lite Drafts $2.50 16oz Lite Bottle Cans

All Drafts on Sale No Cover!

$2 Specialty Pints $2 Specialty Bottles $6.75 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $2.25 Jim Beam Singles $4.50 Bacardi and Mailbu Dbls $2.50 Rum Chata/Pinnacles Shots

$10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Late Night Dance Party w/ DJ John Han B10 Tournament All Day! $3.50 Absolut Blue Guys $2.00 22os Lite Drafts $2.50 16oz Lite Bottle Cans

$2 Miller Lite Bottles $7 Coors Light Pitchers No Cover

$2.25 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pints $7 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pitchers $5 Wild Turkey and Skyy Vodka Doubles $2.75 Murphy's Pub Irish Stout Pints $2.50 Rum Chata Shots $2.50 Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

SPRING BREAK MADNESS Open at 5pm $1 Fatty Natty Bottles

$5 22oz Illini Mug, $3 Refills During Illini Games! $10 Large Pizzas after 10pm

Big Ten Tourney Open 11am! Shoot to Win Prizes! $3.50 Absolut Blue Guys $2.00 22os Lite Drafts $2.50 16oz Lite Bottle Cans

$2 Coors Lights $7 Lite Pitchers No Cover

½ lb Mushroom MEGA Ch. Burger w/ FF $2.25 Killians, Leinenkugels, & Michelob Amber Bock Pints $2.75 Murphy’s Pub Irish Stout Pints $7 Miller Lite, Coor’s Light, Bud, & Bud Light Pitchers $5 Bacardi (ALL FLAVORS), Jim Beam, and Malibu Doubles $2.50 Pinnacle & Rum Chata Shots

DOLLAR PARTY $1 Fatty Natty Bottles $1 Pinnacle Vodka Shots $1 Pinnacle Vodka Drinks $3 Bacardi U Call It $3 Jack Daniels

3.3.0 Saturdays $3 3 Olive Drinks $3 You Call It

SAT 3/10

Come Watch Some Games! $2 Domestics Bottles $2 Wells

Big Ten Tournament $3.50 Absolut Blue Guys $2.00 22os Lite Drafts $2.50 16oz Lite Bottle Cans

$3 Any Draft $2.50 Coronas

TRIVIA NIGHT! Win Cash & Prizes! $2 Specialty Pints & Bottles $5 Hamm’s Logo Pitcher Club ($4 Refills) $2 Well Singles & Burst Shots $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles

Book your Next Party at The Red Lion Call 217-722-9000 or email us at CochraneParty@gmail.com

Closed

SUN 3/11

$1.50 High Life Drafts!

NATTY GIRLS MONDAY $1 Fatty Bottles $1 Wells, $2 Energy $3 Pitchers!

"Beer Lovers Night" $2 Domestic Btls. & Drafts $ 3 Import and Specialty Btls. & Drafts

$5.50 ½lb MEGA Chburger w/ FF $2 Domestic Pints $3 Premium & Super Premium Pints $2 Pinnacle Vodka Singles $4 Evan Williams Doubles $2 Burst Shots

$1 U CALL IT $2 Captain Morgan $2 Red Bull Vodka's $3 Bud Light Pitchers

DOLLAR MONDAYS! $1 Wells $1 Domestic Drafts $1 Shots

MON 3/12

Ride the Rail No Cover

$5 Hamm's Logo Pitcher ($4 Refills) $2 Old Style, PBR, & Schlitz Tall Boys $2 Well Singles $4 Pinnacle Vodka Doubles (ALL FLAVORS) $2.00 Burst Shots

$2 EVERYTHING IN THE HOUSE! Any Liquor! Any Beer! $2!

School of Beer No Cover

LOGO GLASS DAY! $5.00 Pitchers of Hamm's/PBR $4 Skyy Vodka Doubles $2 Wild Turkey Singles $2.00 Rum Chata & Dr. McGuillicuddy Shots

PITCHER NIGHT $2 Natty Light Pitchers $5 Jim Beam Pitchers $5 UV Vodka Pitchers $5 Cruzan Rum Pitchers

1/2 Price Tuesdays 1/2 Price Pool and Miller Lite Drafts ALL DAY LONG and 1/2 Price Large Pizza (after 6pm)

Ashley Buchart LIVE at 10pm

$3.50 Dbl Jim Beam & Red Stag Drinks Red Stag Honey Tea Launch Bud Spring Break Launch Party T-shirts, Hats, Sandals, Towels $1.50 Bud Famiy Bottles, $5 Pitchers $2.50 Bacardi Drinks, $3.50 Blue Guys

$4 Long Island Iced Teas $2 Drafts Outlaw Karaoke $7.50 Rum & Cola Pitchers $13.00 Captain & Cola Pitchers $7.50 Domestic pitchers

WED 3/14

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

COUNTRY NIGHT!

We are giving away lots of stuff for Spring break...T-shirts, Hats Beach Gear and More!

TUES 3/13

$1.50 Domestics $1.75 Wells $2.00 Imports

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Major: Community Health

Major: Industrial Design / Coloring Books

Relationship Status: Taken

Relationship Status: Atclem@gmail. com

Have you ever been drunk when you probably shouldn’t have been? At my dog’s euthanasia.

Where did you lose your virginity? Due east of the 50-yard line.

Finish the sentence - The last time I had sex it was…: with three other people.

What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve had happen to you on the job? Got my TA’s number, she may or may not have been a dude.

Have you named any of your body parts? I call my fake tits “The Girls.”

If you could go down on anyone, who would it be and why? Anyone but Lady Gaga, no one wants to find out what’s goin’ on down there...

Who is your favorite Disney princess? Belle Who would win in a fight, Ron Zook or Bruce Weber? Who are they?

Favorite sex position? Ask my right hand.

Favorite shot? Blue Marlin

How old is your mother? FUCK BITCHES, GET MONEY.

How often do you black out? Too often to remember.

If you could be doing anything right now (besides bartending) what would it be? #ScooterXgames

Paul Kovacs FIREHAUS drinking game:

Would you rather take a body shot off of Donald Trump or Jack Nicholson? Jack Nicholson, only if he was dressed as the Joker.

Secret you don’t want your parents to find out? Their liquor cabinet is full of water.

By Perl

BEERAMID

Did you ever make a human pyramid when you were younger? Well, this game has nothing to do with that. Instead of making a human pyramid, you’re making one with cards (we want to get you drunk, not break your neck). WHAT YOU’LL NEED: A deck of cards, beer, and liquor. PLAYERS: Pick your favorite 3-7 people. LEVEL OF INTOXICATION: The drunkest you can get by making a pyramid. HOW TO PLAY: - Dealer lays out 15 cards in a pyramid on the table and deals 5 cards to each player. - Dealer flips the cards one by one starting from the base of the pyramid. If one of your cards matches the card flipped over by the dealer, you tell someone to drink (you can also bluff). - The players can drink or call the bluff. - If a player calls the bluff and the person doesn’t have the same card, the bluffer drinks double. - If the player has the card, the person that called the bluff drinks triple. - If a player has two or more of the card flipped, they can make someone drink the amount for each match (doubling or even tripling the number of sips), or they can distribute the drinks between the players for each match and share the love. - The drinks to be doled out are as such: Bottom line (base of the pyramid)=2, second line=4, third line=6, fourth line=8, fifth line (single top card of the pyramid)=12. THE GAME ENDS WHEN: All the cards are flipped over then it’s time for round two, then round three, then round four, etc.

What’s your favorite part of bartending? Cutting all the fruit with Phil.

Liz Mulvey BROTHER'S

When you looked in the mirror this morning, what was the first thing you thought? Whose bathroom is this? What’s the worst pickup line you’ve ever heard/used? “Hey baby what’s your netID?”

recipe for disaster:

By Perl

S'MORES DIP WHAT YOU’LL NEED: Graham crackers, chocolate chips, one can of sweetened condensed milk, marshmallow fluff. COOK TIME: If it takes you more than one minute, something is wrong with you. FATTY FACTOR: Let’s just say it won’t exactly help you shed pounds for spring break. LET’S GET BAKED: - Dump chocolate chips and sweetened condensed milk in a bowl. - Microwave on high for 30 seconds. - Stir your concoction until it looks like smooth fudge. - Mix your gooey fudge in a bowl with marshmallow fluff. - Dip away! If you can’t find graham crackers, Nilla wafers work too. Plus you could also use your fingers if you get to those desperate measures. If you want to take it to the next level and get a real campfire vibe going, try sitting around your stove in camping chairs. Then go to Allen Hall and grab one of the many guys with guitars who are, “Just learning to play,” and let him disappoint you with his awful adaptation of “Free Falling” by Tom Petty. It’s a guaranteed summer night in the midst of some more hectic winter-weather we’re bound to see this spring.

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BOOZE REVIEW

BOOZE REVIEW: THREE OLIVES LOOPY B+ Overview: Well by golly, did this alcohol ever sound delicious. Plus, Three Olives is that small step between Smirnoff and Grey Goose - the booze that borders both decent and fancy - so I busted out my semi-formals and settled in for an excellent night. History: When the King of Three Olives (yes, for whatever reason the CEO of Three Olives Vodka, Dr. Engin Arik, prefers to be referred to as a king, and yes, he has a PhD) had his first child just a few short months ago, he decided the company needed a more child-friendly vodka to open up to a new demographic. King Dr. Arik had high hopes that this would help him better relate to his newborn child; however, he was disappointed to discover that babies prefer milk, as he is lactose intolerant.

THE MIXER CENTER With lemon: BSprite: A-

Typical Drinkers: Sadly not babies, Toucan Sam who has since developed an alcohol problem and has been estranged from his three nephews who’ve had to carry on the cereal brand after Kellogs dropped him from their contract, the freshly out-of-the-closet gay community who are still trying to find their image, Jim Gaffigan, and high school cheerleaders who were able to trade sexual favors with their local convenience store clerk in order to earn a fifth. User Comments “Nom nom nom nommy nommy nom.” “Just foll-hic-ow your nose to me Lucky Charms… No, hiccup, thasss not right.” “Like, you’ve already seen our tits twenty times, do we really have to do this every time? Ugh.” Conclusion: If you have $30 to spend, a car and a membership to that Binny’s that opened up where the Borders closed down (much like your college career, the books have been replaced by booze), then go ahead and knock yourself out. It’s pretty worth it.

Chased with aftermilk of Fruit Loops: CWhen you’ve got a crappy head cold: C+

THE TOP TEN Spring Break Ideas That Sound Horrible But End Up Being Awesome

www.theblacksheeponline.com

TOP 5 PLACES TO RELIEVE YOUR DIARRHEA MICHAEL ROTTAR WROTE THIS

10. GOING HOME Nothing sounds worse than spending a week under your parents’ roof and having to abide by their rules. However, your mom misses pampering her children and is going through a mid-life crisis. All of the delicious, home-cooked food you can ask for. Plus, ample access to their wallets/liquor/expensive cigar stash! 9. STAYING IN CHAMPAIGN For those of you who have ever stayed in Champaign during breaks, you know that it’s creepier than seeing an old man hanging out in the McDonald’s playroom. On the plus side, when a townie spies you, you better believe that they will buy you all the drinks you can possibly pour down that sweet throat of yours. 8. VISITING YOUR GRANDMA AT HER “ELDERLY COMMUNITY” IN FLORIDA Since you want to go somewhere warm but you’re on a budget, you decide to call old Grandma Ruthie. While this may seem torturous, it’s actually a great opportunity to get some real R&R. Your grandma will pamper you even more than your mom will, and she’ll probably be in bed by like 7:00p.m., so you won’t have to suffer through too many boring stories. 7. VISITING YOUR WEIRD STEP-SIBLING IN WYOMING Your parents have begged and begged you to visit your extremely off-putting stepbrother in the smallest town in the country: Lost Springs, Wyoming, which, according to the U.S. Census, has a population of 1. This can be a great time to make your parents give you a ton of money that you say you “need” for this trip, and then ignore your strange brother while you have hookers sent over to up the population. So you walk into class like it’s any other day. You’ve got your fresh boat shoes on, your pocket-less Tommy Hilfiger shorts, and your new Lacoste polo that your mommy sent you in the mail because she loves you and turns a blind eye to your binge drinking. You’re also pretty stoked because, right after you sat down, the hot girl in your class sat down 2 chairs over, the perfect distance for you to lean over and make a nonchalant comment about how this class, “Totally sucks.” She laughs, and for some reason acknowledges you and your pathetic attempt at small talk as the people sitting around you eavesdrop. It seems like it’s going to be a pretty chill day in class until you get a sharp pain in your lower abdomen. “Oh, no,” you think to yourself. “In my blacked out mind-state last night, did I scarf down two queso burritos and a hot dog from the weenie-van guy?” Yes, yes you did. You are now in a race against the clock to reach the nearest facilities. However, if you read The Black Sheep, then you shouldn’t be worried. You would already know the top 5 best places to have diarrhea on campus are:

3. THE THIRD FLOOR RESTROOM OF THE HENRY ADMINISTRATION BUILDING: I know this one may seem oddly specific, but trust me, this is a two-for-one pooping location. Not only are these facilities clean due to lack of traffic, but the President of the University’s office is right down the hall. Don’t like the President’s policies? Neither does anyone else! Make a political statement with a smelly load of diarrhea that will stink up the whole floor and let him know that your student body means business. 2. THE UNDERGRADUATE LIBRARY: Ask yourself, how often do you go to the UGL? Odds are it is only when you are on your last leg and are in desperate need of getting some actual homework done. That means you are probably very stressed, and you couldn’t care less about what’s going on around you. So are the rest of the students in that underground hellhole. That means no one in the bathroom will even notice you and your obnoxiously loud diarrhea.

"YOU DIDN'T HEAR IT FROM ME, BUT POTTED PLANTS AND TRASHCANS ARE FAIR GAME."

5. ANYWHERE WITHIN BUTTCLINCHING WALKING DISTANCE: When it comes to the Big D, you oftentimes don’t have time to be picky with your facility selection. Beggars can’t be choosers. Any place that isn’t your pants or doesn’t have security cameras should be satisfactory. Sometimes this requires being creative—you didn’t hear it from me, but potted plants and trashcans are fair game. 4. THE ILLINI UNION: Before you turn the page, hear me out. Yes, the Union is extremely busy throughout the day, but it’s also one of the main tourist attractions for high school seniors and their parents. “They have a Sbarro in the basement? This must be the school for our little Billy.” You can bet the administration is paying top dollar to have those stalls clean and the toilet paper rolls stocked in a clever attempt to ensnare your parents’ money. Let ‘er rip and show them what Champaign is all about.

1. THE NORTHEAST MALE RESTROOM IN THE ARMORY: This is my personal favorite restroom on campus. For one, it is always spotless. However, this isn’t that surprising; it’s the Armory. You can be sure that whoever cleaned that bathroom made sure it was clean enough for their superior officer to eat off those toilets. Also, for whatever reason, the lights are always off in the bathroom. I don’t know why, but I certainly don’t have a problem with it. Having the lights off means you can be anonymous in your deucing. Even if you just dropped a loud, smelly load, no one will be able to see your face. Will you have already pooped your pants before you even got a chance to read this list? Probably, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be prepared for the future. Remember, if you get drunk and stuff your face with bad take-out food, be ready to accept the smelly, painful, and potentially social-life ruining consequences.

6. BABYSITTING Nothing like trying to tame a bunch of crazy brats while your friends are lying on a beach during the day and getting laid at night. What you can’t forget is that you’ll be making money while your friends are blowing it all on drugs and alcohol. Just give the kids a little whiskey, put them to bed, then raid the cabinets and order expensive shows (porn) on strange cable channels. 5. APPLYING FOR JOBS Doesn’t sound very enticing. But while you’re slaving away at your computer, sending résumé after résumé and writing cover letter after cover letter, you must remember a few things. Always mention in your cover letter that you gave up your precious spring break in order to be responsible and get a head start on the job search; those employers might actually be impressed and give you a six figure position right out of college! 4. GOING BACK TO YOUR HIGH SCHOOL FOR THE ENTIRE WEEK Not only do you get to see what kind of piece of shit your high school has turned into since you left, but you can also tell all of your old teachers who tried to fail you that you are now a successful businessman. And you can play all kinds of tricks on those stupid high schoolers. They won’t think you’re creepy for coming back. 3. RANDOMLY GOING TO DETROIT Detroit is a scary, scary place. I mean, have you ever seen 8 Mile?! But it’s also a place where you can learn all the ropes on how to survive in any situation. Including “the hood.” Then you can impress all your friends with your new rapping skills. 2. SURFING THE WEB FOR A WEEK STRAIGHT Even the loneliest of forever aloners can get sick of the internet. Yet, with nothing else do to over spring break, it might be good for your brain, or at least for your chances of getting on Jeopardy!, to surf the web the whole time. 1. SLEEPING THROUGH YOUR ENTIRE SPRING BREAK As college students, we don’t get much sleep. So who cares if you miss all of spring break because you slept through the entire thing? And who knows what kind of crazy dreams you’ll have during your 168-hour slumber. Your dreams will probably be better than whatever those kids do at PCB anyway.

CLEVES WROTE THIS

www.theblacksheeponline.com So, you’re entering class ten minutes early, a testament to both integrity and punctuality. Don’t blow it here. You only have one sweep upon entering and should pick a seat without any interruption of your unhurried waltz down the aisle. This is crucial. Identify the Asian element first. They typically shun outsiders and will regard you with suspicion, but it’s a safe bet that they know what they’re doing. Don’t make the mistake of thinking a seat closer to the teacher is less capable of cheating potential. Firstly, you’re hiding in plain sight. Secondly, what do cheaters and cool kids on the bus have in common? They sit in the back. Thirdly, the best students typically sit closer to the teacher (it aids in ass-kissing). You’ve identified your target, now comes seat placement. Sit at a 45-degree angle from your mark, in a row behind them. This will ensure at least two vectors of potential cheating on either side of the person in front of you. Don’t rely solely on these two people, however, or you may find yourself copying off of someone who is copying off of someone. Always better to have a reference on whether or not this person’s an A student or… well... another you. Cheat sheets come in handy here. Placement is key. A cheat sheet nestled between your undershirt and outer-shirt at naval level is next to impossible to detect while taking a test, and easily accessible. Nestle the cheat sheet in amongst the test papers, for quick reference and complete discretion. For small nuggets, use the space between your fingers- virtually indistinguishable at first glance. Utilize clear mechanical pencils for a cheat sheet. Utilize maneuvers to avoid attention, such as picking up your test for that dead-on, sheet-infront-of-your-face stare down to disguise your peripheral scrounging. Identify questions and answers from other test forms by analyzing the length and breadth of the question (two lines long ending a third of the way across rather than four lines ending on the first word). Don’t neglect to incorporate some electronics. Faculty are typically older and notoriously un-tech savvy. Use that touch mp3 player mounted on a wristband with a watch app running. Can’t tell it’s not just some dorky digital watch? Neither could your TA. Calculators are the obvious choice; find out how to input formulas if you don’t already. Hopefully this guide has reached you in time. I know many of our comrades have already fallen to midterms, and many more soon will. Just remember, preparation is key, and cheating is a burden forced upon us, not a choice. Just look at how quick those Asians can solve a Rubix cube, or integrate by parts, or metabolize acronyms at digital speeds. Add onto this the fact that clumps of Asian students in exams are notorious for cheating, and you’ll understand the importance of playing hardball with the system. So, to part, if you aren’t cheating, you aren’t trying. And if, for whatever reason, you’re caught cheating... Well, you’re just not trying hard enough.

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IF YOU CAN'T LEARN FROM US, LEARN FROM THIS MAN.

The Movie Page ACT OF VALOR

BASED ON THE TRAILER

March 2012

.YVAN EHT NIOJ DIRECTED BY:

Mike McCoy and Scott Waugh

STARRING:

Unnamed active duty NAVY SEALs, Alex Veadov, Roselyn Sanchez

GRADE: C+ MIKE BENSON WROTE THIS My eyes are finally open for the first time. It’s all so clear. How have I been living my life in such a boring, unadventurous manner? I want to see the world; I want to climb mountains and bellow my name across the valleys below. But how can a normal guy like me see the world? I have no money or world experience. What could allow me the opportunity to kick the ass out of life? Wait, I know! The US Navy! I should pack my bags tomorrow! Uncle Sam’s been calling my name, and I’m finally answering. Woah, that’s weird. Not sure why I felt compelled to write that. Since seeing Act of Valor I’ve been having little episodes like that. Anyway, it passed. I’ll get it checked out later. Act of Valor - a film which has gained much of its publicity because it featured real-life Navy SEAL tactics, nearly unaltered weapon sounds/explosions, and featuring real-life Navy SEALs - delivers immensely in providing an intensely realistic view of SEAL tactics. However, because of this grasp at realism, the not-real-to-life characters and stock “action film” plot feel incredibly out of place next to the hyper-realistic action scenes. The film’s plot revolves around a Navy SEAL

ON DVD

team as they are sent on a mission to rescue a kidnapped CIA operative. In one of the best shot and paced infiltration and shootout scenes I have ever seen on the screen, the SEALs rescue the operative, which leads them to the discovery of a large terrorist plot involving a deployment of suicide bombers aimed at destroying several American cities and landmarks. Through a series of equally impressive action sequences, the SEAL team works to prevent the terrorist plot coming to fruition, while exposing the high-ranking orchestrators behind it. Discussing the individual characters within the larger SEAL team featured in the film is a difficult task. Because the SEALs are portrayed by real-life active Navy SEALs required by the Navy to participate in filming, the acting is atrocious. These are SEALs, not trained actors able to pull off successful character arcs, let alone a casual conversation onscreen. However, this is appropriate for Act of Valor for two reasons. The first is that the film works best as a realistic depiction of combat. The stiff acting reminds the audience that these are trained soldiers on the screen, and there’s no place for the room for standard Hollywood solider bravado in real-life battlefields. In this way, the bad acting by the SEALs serves to make the film more true to life. The sec-

ond, one must look at the SEAL team as one character. By having all of the individual SEALs act in the same stiff, pragmatic tone (Although traditionally considered bad acting), they all come off as an inseparable group as opposed to individuals, further enforcing the notion of brotherhood in the armed services. Unfortunately, this realism is jarringly contrasted with the stock, comic-book-like depiction of the terrorists aimed at destroying America. But what do you expect? The U.S. Navy played a heavy hand in the production of the film, and have openly stated that Act of Valor was purposely made with the aim of promoting Navy recruitment. Obviously they are not going to have the terrorists be depicted as dynamic and engaging characters, they want their bad guys to be bad. However, having the super-realistic SEALs in combat with du-rag wearing, tattooed Rambo villians takes away from the overall effect of the film.

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy The Muppets Hop

Starring: Elizabeth Olsen, Adam Trese What You Need to Know: Elizabeth Olsen plays Sarah, a young woman who is spending some time at her family's lake house, only to find out she's been sealed inside. With no contact to the outside world, babygirl starts trippin'. What We Think: Watching this film "unfold in real time" that's supposedly "inspired by true events" is (probably) just some bologna to try to make it seem different then any other average haunted house movie. Though Olsen sure can scream scary, we're not sure if this will prove to be anything we haven't seen before.

A Thousand Words

MOVIES WITH SEALS!

Starring: Eddie Murphy, Cliff Curtis, Kerry Washington What You Need to Know: Eddie Murphy stars as a smooth-talking man who discovers he only has 1000 words left to speak before he ends up six feet under. Sounds pretty shitty! What We Think: Though the cast doesn't seem great, there's no denying that the plot is original and thoughtprovoking... yes, about an Eddie Murphy film. It might not be winning awards any time soon, and you might want to save it for when it's out of the theaters, but it seems like it might actually keep our attention.

ANSWERS ARE A FEW FROM HERE

21 Jump Street

Segal is a lone SEAL on a mission in this action flick...

march 9

Gah, there it is again!

The Adventures of Tintin The Three Musketeers My Week With Marilyn Happy Feet 2

The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo

march 9

But that’s okay, because there is more important things in life, like joining the Navy! So you know where the recruitment office is in town?

March 13

March 20

Silent House

This 2001 film based in Bosnia is loosely based on the Mrkonjic Grad incident...

Bruce Willis stars in this movie about a rescue mission in Nigeria...

This movie was the first one Nic Cage and Jerry Bruckheimer worked together...

march 16

Starring: Jonah Hill, Channing Tatum, Ice Cube What You Need to Know: Schmidt (Jonah Hill) and Jenko (Channing Tatum) use their youthful appearances to join the police force and secret Jump Street unit, going undercover in a local high school to bust up an undercover drug ring. What We Think: Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill play a funny pair of misfit cops that somehow seems relatively relatable. Obviously Tatum plays the dumb hottie very well, while Hill continues to be the cute "is he cubby or is he not?" sidekick that we all root for. If the plot has some surprise twists and turns, this movie could definitely be one of the best of the year thus far.

Welcome to Keeping Up With The Real Bad Girl Pawn Stars of the New York Shore, the show that has your favorite bitches, morons, douchebags and idiots from America’s scummiest reality TV shows! These contestants are vying to win the only truly important prize: their lives! Let’s see what these dolts are made of!

THE CAST: Johnny “Bananas” Devenanzio (The Real World) Dani and Gabi Victor (Bad Girls Club) Sammi “Sweetheart” Giancola (The Jersey Shore) Kendall Jenner (Keeping Up With the Kardashians)

WEEK 3 The Outcome: Unsurprisingly, Abby Lee Miller leads this challenge, as she convinces the remaining contestants to do a striptease to the Mos Eisley Cantina song from Star Wars: A New Hope. All is going well until Kendall Jenner removes her top, “just like Kim taught her.” Because Jenner is a minor, she gets

WEEK 6 The Outcome: Kendall easily passes as she chats up a high school male about what it’s like seeing Kim Kardashian naked “like, every day.” Chumlee approaches a mentally handicapped person waiting in line to play the demo Playstation 3 at Best Buy. After ten minutes talking they decide that blue is the best color. Soulgee isn’t

Abby Lee Miller (Dance Moms) Soulgee (Ice Loves Coco) Kelly Bensimon (The Real Housewives of New York City) Chumlee Russel (Pawn Stars)

THE CHALLENGE: LEARN A CHOREOGRAPHED DANCE, TO BE PERFORMED IN FRONT OF A CLASS OF 3RD GRADERS. off scot-free, while Miller is arrested for breaking public indecency and child pornography laws. Karmic Death: Wearing only a leotard and eight-inch heels, she’s forced to fight a herd of 25 six-year-olds until she succumbs to their tiny fists of fury.

THE CHALLENGE:

ENGAGE IN CONVERSATION WITH A TOTAL STRANGER FOR TEN MINUTES WITHOUT TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF.

so lucky, as he accidentally references himself when discussing the loving relationship Ice-T and Coco have, the one he “tries not to force himself into.” Karmic Death: Suffocation via a gay black man’s nightmare: Coco’s enormous white tits.

WEEK 1 The Outcome: Most of our contestants do well, some surprisingly so. Abby Lee Miller scores a 29, and upon hearing the results lambasts the others for, “Doin’ so shitty cuz your moms didn’t raise ya’ll right.” Pawn Stars legend Chumlee scores a lowly 4 after skipping the English and Reading portions, but is saved when Sammi Sweetheart fails to complete the test in time.

THE CHALLENGE: TAKE THE 'ACT'. She’s busy sobbing on the phone with her mom because Ronni forgot a smiley face emoticon in the text message he sent her wishing her good luck on the test. Karmic Death: Suffocated to death in a gas chamber set to emit a deadly mix of hair spray and spray tanner. LMFAO’s “Shots” plays at her wake.

WEEK 4

THE CHALLENGE: BUILT A SPACESHIP OUT OF LEGOS.

The Outcome: Used to constructing makeshift dildos on the fly, Soulgee produces a sex toy that judges deem a reasonable facsimile for a spacecraft. The Victor Twins - having never played with Legos before - hastily slap some blocks together, but continue onto the next round after secretly switching their construction with rival Johnny

Bananas. Bananas calls their deceit, but producers refuse to believe him, citing his frivolous lawsuit against the producers of Entourage as a reason not to believe him.

WEEK 7

THE CHALLENGE: PITCH A SHOW TO FAMED WRITER/PRODUCER DAVID SIMON (THE WIRE, TREME)

The Outcome: Kendall Jenner pitches Simon a show about, “You know, me, and stuff.” Chumlee, struggling to breathe under the weight of his own obesity, tells the writer/producer that he’d, “like to do one’a them shows where them girls come in and give Chumlee them blowjobs, and shit.” Simon attempts to walk off set before his

agent reminds him that this appearance will help provide funding for his criticallyacclaimed but little-watched show.

Karmic Death: Devenanzio is forced to hang out with Kevin Dillon until Devenanzio kills himself.

Karmic Death: Distraught with the state of modern media, Simon commits a murder-double-suicide. His final words are, “Let’s see McNulty solve this one.”

WEEK 2 The Outcome: Kendall Jenner cries as she hands over the money, certain that her mom will bestow on her the beating of a lifetime. Chumlee Russel tries to talk the homeless man down before realizing he’s the one trying to give the cash away. In a purely malevolent move, the Victor twins turn their bill into a “Poo Lincoln” before

WEEK 5 The Outcome: In a moving moment that will forever go down in the annals of reality TV history, Chumlee apologizes to pawn shop owner Rick Harrison for the litany of fuck-ups he’s had since the show’s inception. The Victor twins lose when Gabi apologizes to Dani “for being dad’s favorite,” while Dani apologizes to Gabi “for being

THE CHALLENGE: GIVE A HOMELESS PERSON $5. dropping it in front of a homeless man while walking away. Bensimon fails when she gives her $5 to Soulgee, as she assumes all black people are homeless. Karmic Death: The producers drop her off in Harlem dressed as a Ku Klux Klan Grand Wizard. No one attends her funeral.

THE CHALLENGE:

SINCERELY APOLOGIZE TO AN IMMEDIATE FAMILY MEMBER OR CLOSE FRIEND YOU HAVE WRONGED.

dad’s favorite.” A brawl ensues until the producers drag each off set, preparing them for their execution. Karmic Death: From behind a two-way mirror the twins’ parents push a big red button that electrocutes the twins to death. The parents go on to live full, happy lives in their twilight years.

While th at we expe didn’t end how cted, it c ended b etter th ertainly a n w have ho ped! Join e could us next year as we cont inue the small-sc ale geno c id are actu e people ally hap py abou t!

TEST YOUR KNOWLEDGE

Yoga Position or Sex Position?

Are you a dog just looking for a quick bone no matter the cost, or are you a yoga guru who’ll bend over backwards for a glimpse of physical and mental enlightenment? Maybe you’re a bendy bang baron who wants the best of both worlds. Without having to pick someone up at the bar, being able to identify which of the titles below are sex positions and which are yoga positions is the best way to find out where you fall on the stretchy sex spectrum.By: Brendan

1. Basset Hound 2. Half Moon 3. Bound Angle 4. Brute 5. Foot Behind Head 6. Cow Face 7. Bent Spoon 8. Full Boat 9. Royal Pigeon 10. Final Furlong ANSWER KEY: 1. SEX 2. YOGA 3. YOGA 4. SEX 5. YOGA 6. YOGA 7. SEX 8. YOGA 9. YOGA 10. SEX

11. YOGA 12. SEX 13. SEX 14. YOGA 15. YOGA 16. YOGA 17. SEX 18. SEX 19. YOGA 20. SEX

11. Corpse Pose 12. Golden Gate 13. Viennese Oyster 14. Upside-Down Tortoise 15. Corn Tree 16. Downward Facing Dog 17. Suspended Congress 18. Amazon Reverse 19. Four-Limbed Staff 20. See-Saw

RESULTS 0-6 Correct: Stiff and Sexless You’d bend over backward for some sweet sack time, but your joints don’t quite move that way. The one time you got laid last Halloween you pulled a hammy a minute into missionary, but it was still the highlight of your year.

7-13 Correct: Bendy but Boring You touch your toes during warmups, but even then you find it an improper display of your sexuality. You’d loosen up a little more— both physically and mentally—but you’re pretty sure there’s some passage in the Bible that says you shouldn’t.

14-20 Correct: The Flexible Fornicator “Freaky” doesn’t begin to describe the ways you loosen up or go down. Your life motto would be, “A leg behind the head means a freak in the bed,” you know, if people actually said that.

CLASS TI M E

the crossword: beers 3

Apply online for fall 2012

9 10

12 13

14 15 16

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the clues 1

Across 4 The big brother of the blue bullet that comes in a case of 30. (2 Words) 6 A bike wheel that's like your girlfriend's ass. (2 Words) 7 How could such a delightful beer be named for such a crappy bird? (2 Words) 11 A crown of shit is still a crown. Serve with lime. 12 Champagne, in 12-ouce can form. (3 Words) 13 The seed of Hans, from The Simpsons 14 St. Louis isn't worthless after all. 15 If you worship a Mexican sun god, you'll lose yours. 16 Come for the ivy, black out with this brew. (2 Words) 17 A Canadian beer the color of a singular sad music genre. (2 Words) 18 It doesn't matter how special it is, take it off for the national anthem. (2 Words)

ally. 2) A weird animal hybrid’s dome. (2 words) 3) We’re unsure of who was judging this competition. (3 words) 5) Zero NFL coaches drink this shit, but they’ll sell it. (2 words) 8) Tyra Banks, in Spanish. (2 words) 9) Texas has steers, queers and this brew. (2 words) 10) The bottle doesn’t remind one of this tall, Western mountain range. (2 words)

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Down 1 A red can and an iron eagle may make you think this is a commie beer. It's Mexican, actually. 2 A weird animal hybrid's dome. (2 Words) 3 We're unsure of who was judging this competition. (3 Words) 5 Zero NFL coaches drink this shit, but they'll sell it. (2 Words) 8 Tyra Banks, in Spanish. (2 Words) 9 Texas has steers, queers and this brew. (2 Words) 10 The bottle doesn't remind one of this tall, Western mountain range. (2 Words)

M A G I

T D 4 K E Y S T O C G A F T I E S 9 S H H H 12 M I L L E N A E D R 14 B U D W O 16 C O K 1

L D S T E I

S E

N E I C O 7 G O R S L I R H I G H T 5

P 6 E F A T T I R E B 8 O S E I S L A N D T E B G L R 10 11 S U C O R O N A H L I F E M 13 E R M O L S O N R I D R B E R A B L 15 N O S O L Y L E N V A B A T T B L U E D C H A T 3

CLASS TI M E

six degrees of seperation

? CLASS TI M E

? ?

Do you know how Jeff Goldblum and Peter Sellers are connected? Email us at sixdegrees@theblacksheeponline.com and let us know. If youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re right, you may just get a sweet ass prize.

MOVIE TRIVIA ANSWERS: 1) UNDER SIEGE 2) BEHIND ENEMY LINES 3) TEARS OF THE SUN 4) THE ROCK