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The Booze News
• A COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT’S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE •
theblacksheeponline.com @BlackSheep_UIUC
Volume 20, Issue 8 3/7/12 - 3/14/12
STICKING IT TO THE SCANTRON COLIN WROTE THIS
Well, beloved reader, it’s that time again. Midterms are upon us in full force, destroying our GPA and social calendar alike. Given the fact that you haven’t been to class yet (by the way, might be a good time to figure out where the midterm’s located), it might be time to start thinking about how exactly you’re going to go about passing this test. Studying is out. There’s just not enough time, and besides, that would require you to, you know, manage your time and figure out where on campus the library is. That leaves Adderall, every student’s favorite study-coke. But wait! It’s midterm season! Even if you could find some study-buddies - which you can’t - they’d be insanely expensive, not to mention how unpleasant the unspeakable things asked of you in return for that little orange savior are. That leaves cramming. After an hour or so (at the long end of our estimate) you realize that you may as well be studying Ancient Greek for how much sense that Business Process Management book makes. You try smoking breaks and changing location, coffee and Red Bull, to no avail. It’s time to put ethics aside and start doing what works: cheating. Cheating’s like masturbation. Anyone who says how often they do it under-exaggerates the frequency and anyone who says they haven’t tried it is a liar. Additionally, it’s not your fault this class is impossible to study for, or that you missed the review, or that you don’t know the name of the class, or that the one time you went in you were 45 minutes late and reeking of booze. No, kind reader, none of these are your fault. The universe is malicious and has it out for you. Therefore it’s only fair, neigh, expected of you to cheat. And if you will cheat, you must prepare to cheat well. The only thing less respectable than a cheater is one that gets caught. It’s like getting arrested at a playground. So, reader, let The Black Sheep do what it does best: tell you how you can keep syllabus week going well into April. Fill that pocket protector and tape the bridge of those glasses, we’re about to get academic on how to get academic. Cheating’s been around since the dawn of testing; you just didn’t know about it because methods for cheating on clay tablets just really aren’t applicable anymore. The game’s changed, and you need to change with it. Just in case you’re new to this whole “collective test taking” thing we’ve decided to break down cheating in its entirety, starting from the ground up. First and foremost,
cheating is all about preparation. Sounds counterintuitive, I know. You’re sitting there saying, “If I were going to prepare, I might have gone to class.” Well can it, because if you want to scrape by on the upward slope of that pass/fail line, you’re going to need some preparation. Pull yourself together, maybe put a clean shirt on and shave if you’re feeling really ritzy. If you walk into that classroom in your normal cloud of pot smoke and tardiness, you’re
going to find the only seats available to you are in the back, with little company, surrounded by pot-smelling tardy class-skippers. This is a cardinal mistake. Instead, the well-prepared cheater should arrive to class ten minutes before the start of the test. Note that time. Ten minutes. Any earlier and you’ll be unable to assess potential talent in the unfilled seats around you, and any later and the time to choose a seat has already passed.
CONTINUED ON PAGE 19
OTHER STUFF
INSIDE
A BUNCH OF BURNOUTS, LIKE THE REST OF US.
SERIOUSLY, WHAT’S WITH THIS “RACK CITY” SONG?
YOUR MOM’S MOUTH DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT.
SEE PAGE 6
SEE PAGE 9
SEE PAGE 18
University of Illinois Sports Roundup
Rap Translations for the Everyday Student Top 5: Places to Relieve Your Diarrhea