The Black Sheep
Hav Fre e a e.... gre as a at bir su d! mm er!
• A COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT’S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE •
Volume 2, Issue 5 4/25/12 -5/12/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blackSheep_IU
LAST MINUTE GRADE FIXES ELISABETH KLISSER WRoTe THIS
Finals are only a few days away. Unfortunately, you’ve spent most of dead week recovering from a rowdy Little 500 celebration. After consulting Oncourse to see exactly how horrible you can do on your final and still manage to pass the class, you realize things aren’t looking too pretty. Scoring a 170% is a lofty goal, and retaking the class is simply out of the question. You could study, but that takes time and effort. Before you freak out and spend all of your meal points drowning your sorrows at the Crimson Creamery, take a moment to realize you have some options that require a lot less effort than studying. The first option is to pay someone to take your final. The Black Sheep doesn’t necessarily endorse academic misconduct, but with that GPA-murdering grade lingering over you, we understand it might become a possibility. Scope out Wells and see if there are any potential doppelgangers hitting the books. If you come across someone that was blessed with your good looks, proposition them. Odds are if they’re book smart, they’ll jump at the chance to make a quick hundo before the summer. This works best in huge lecture halls where the professor doesn’t even recognize your name. That way he won’t notice that mysterious mole that grew on your forehead overnight. If you aren’t exactly making it rain, then paying someone to take a final for you isn’t in the cards. Luckily, there is an option perfect for people like you that’s 100 percent free of charge: seducing your professor. Hike up that skirt and let your hot body do the work instead of your brains. You will never look as good as you do in college, so take advantage of your resources and show that old professor what you’ve got. If things go well, you can get the grade you want with the added bonus of a new sugar daddy! If things don’t go so well, you’ll get suspended from school. Worth it. Don’t have much going for you in the beauty department? That’s alright. There is still one last resort: blackmail. Do a little research on your professor and dig up as much dirt as you can with good ol’ Google magic. Hopefully
oTHeR STUff
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you’ll stumble across an embarrassing photo or two from their college days. Or, better yet, maybe you’ll find out they moonlight in a morally questionable hobby. If your investigative skills aren’t up to par, just approach them and vaguely allude to past misdeeds. She doesn’t have to know you’re talking out of your ass. Once you get your hands on your professor’s dirty little secret, you’ll have that passing grade in the bag.
how To avoiD ThaT BelT whooping. See PaGe 4
BreAKInG the BAD news to the 'rents
If your loyalty to the Code of Student Rights, Responsibilities and Conduct runs deep or you have any sort of moral compass whatsoever, you won’t give these ideas a try. Your best bet is study your ass off and try better next time. If you really can’t meet IU’s academic standards of excellence, Purdue has some academic openings.
leT's JusT say iT's noT for our fall foliage. See PaGe 7 I(LoVe the)U: whY zeLLer AnD wAtForD stAYeD
...ThaT ain'T ever gonna happen. so keep ThaT cinemax accounT, Boys.
See PaGe 11
whAt GUYs eXPect FroM Porn...