The Black Sheep
Hav Fre e a e.... gre as a at bir su d! mm er!
• A COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT’S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE •
Volume 2, Issue 5 4/25/12 -5/12/12
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LAST MINUTE GRADE FIXES ELISABETH KLISSER WRoTe THIS
Finals are only a few days away. Unfortunately, you’ve spent most of dead week recovering from a rowdy Little 500 celebration. After consulting Oncourse to see exactly how horrible you can do on your final and still manage to pass the class, you realize things aren’t looking too pretty. Scoring a 170% is a lofty goal, and retaking the class is simply out of the question. You could study, but that takes time and effort. Before you freak out and spend all of your meal points drowning your sorrows at the Crimson Creamery, take a moment to realize you have some options that require a lot less effort than studying. The first option is to pay someone to take your final. The Black Sheep doesn’t necessarily endorse academic misconduct, but with that GPA-murdering grade lingering over you, we understand it might become a possibility. Scope out Wells and see if there are any potential doppelgangers hitting the books. If you come across someone that was blessed with your good looks, proposition them. Odds are if they’re book smart, they’ll jump at the chance to make a quick hundo before the summer. This works best in huge lecture halls where the professor doesn’t even recognize your name. That way he won’t notice that mysterious mole that grew on your forehead overnight. If you aren’t exactly making it rain, then paying someone to take a final for you isn’t in the cards. Luckily, there is an option perfect for people like you that’s 100 percent free of charge: seducing your professor. Hike up that skirt and let your hot body do the work instead of your brains. You will never look as good as you do in college, so take advantage of your resources and show that old professor what you’ve got. If things go well, you can get the grade you want with the added bonus of a new sugar daddy! If things don’t go so well, you’ll get suspended from school. Worth it. Don’t have much going for you in the beauty department? That’s alright. There is still one last resort: blackmail. Do a little research on your professor and dig up as much dirt as you can with good ol’ Google magic. Hopefully
oTHeR STUff
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you’ll stumble across an embarrassing photo or two from their college days. Or, better yet, maybe you’ll find out they moonlight in a morally questionable hobby. If your investigative skills aren’t up to par, just approach them and vaguely allude to past misdeeds. She doesn’t have to know you’re talking out of your ass. Once you get your hands on your professor’s dirty little secret, you’ll have that passing grade in the bag.
how To avoiD ThaT BelT whooping. See PaGe 4
BreAKInG the BAD news to the 'rents
If your loyalty to the Code of Student Rights, Responsibilities and Conduct runs deep or you have any sort of moral compass whatsoever, you won’t give these ideas a try. Your best bet is study your ass off and try better next time. If you really can’t meet IU’s academic standards of excellence, Purdue has some academic openings.
leT's JusT say iT's noT for our fall foliage. See PaGe 7 I(LoVe the)U: whY zeLLer AnD wAtForD stAYeD
...ThaT ain'T ever gonna happen. so keep ThaT cinemax accounT, Boys.
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Table of > > > PAGE 4 >>> PAGE 6 >>>
The Top Ten
Things to Do in Bloomington Over the Summer, Like creep on the orientation groups.
contents 6
Don't Put Down Your Cup
Tips on how to expedite that cirrhosis.
page 9 >>>
Baseball Virgins Guide to the Stadium
Learn the ropes of sliding into home successfully.
page 10 >>> PAGE 12 >>>
Bartender of the Issue
Lydia at Bears channels her stripper alter ego, "Bambi".
Summer Blockbusted
Don't touch these movies with a ten foot pole.
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Definition: The act of owning a car, but refusing to lend it to, or give rides to, anyone. Blaine is a carneverous dick, he never lets anyone drive his BMW M3.
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THE TOP TEN Things to Do in Bloomington Over the Summer Bloomington in the summer is substantially quieter than the school year, but that is no excuse for not having an awesome time. We have some suggestions for things to do other than harassing townies and finding a parking spot on Kirkwood. 10) Taste of Bloomington: Every June Bloomington brings together restaurants, wineries, breweries and lots of live music to celebrate all of the noshing opportunities B-town has to offer. Sober or sloshed, this is a great chance to stuff your face with lots of delicious treats. We won’t tell anyone if you stuff a few entrees in your purse. 9) Take Summer Classes through IU: Can’t get enough of IU? Refuse to get off the academic rollercoaster and sign up for courses. There are still lots of people who stick around, get some credits out of the way, and become very loyal customers of KOK.
BreAKInG the BAD news To THe ’RenTS KENDALL MCDOUGAL WROTE THIS With the sun shining brightly every day and full-blown darties everywhere you look, schoolwork is just about the last thing on any IU student’s mind this time of year. We can’t be wasting our time on homework when there are handles to drink, tables to dance on and Slip N’ Slides to slide down. With finals right around the corner, however, this timing is not great. It would be ideal to have those grades on the up-an-up heading into exam season. But let’s face it, that’s not going to happen. So the question is – how do you explain those shitty grades to mom and dad? If you don’t feel like fessing up and admitting that they’re paying tuition for you to drink like a fish and ditch class, here are some other cop-outs you can try.
I WAS EMOTIONALLY STRESSED AND COULDN’T FOCUS: Pull the sympathy card. Even though they might be disappointed by your grades, your parents want your health to come first. Say you had a really rough semester emotionally and good grades just weren’t in the cards for you this spring. Come up with whatever you can – you got dumped, your best friend stabbed you in the back, you got cheated on, whatever. Devise some sort of sob story and hopefully they’ll feel so concerned that they will completely forget about your grades. MY COURSE LOAD WAS TOO HEAVY: Make it look like you set out to be an overachiever this semester. Explain how you signed up for all of your hardest required classes and stacked up your credit hours because you wanted to work ahead. You did the best you could, but in the end it was just too much on your plate and you couldn’t have tried any harder. Hopefully your parents will be proud of your “intentions” to go above and beyond at start of semester.
"WHIP OUT YOUR MILE-HIGH STACK OF NOTE CARDS THAT YOU MADE UP JUST FOR THIS EXCUSE."
MY PROFESSOR WAS OUT TO GET ME : Depending on how gullible your folks are, this simple excuse just might do the trick. Blame anything and everything on your damn professor (or professors, depending on how much you killed that GPA). Explain how for some reason he/she didn’t like you from the start. No matter how many office hours you went to you just could not win that prof over. Make sure you get all worked up and angry about it so your parents can’t help but to take your word for it.
THE FINAL WAS UNFAIR AND “EVERYONE BOMBED IT”: Tell mom and dad how many hours you slaved over your final exam. Whip out your fake 20-page study guide and mile-high stack of note cards that you made up just for this excuse. Then go into how unfair the teacher was and how nothing on the exam was even remotely close to what you learned. It should go something like, “Everyone in my class was so upset because we all put hours and hours into studying and still all failed. It was so unfair, I worked so hard and it didn’t even pay off…blah, blah, blah.” You get the idea. Hopefully you’ll get your parents’ much-desired sympathy.
WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, JUST START CRYING: If none of the above excuses are working for you and all hope seems lost, bawl your eyes out and beg for forgiveness. You’re clearly a terrible liar and are incapable of making any of your stories sound believable. Like it or not, this is what you’re stuck with. Get the waterworks goin’ and hope for the best, champ. Now that you’ve got the ideas, it is up to you, my fellow Hoosiers,to carry them out flawlessly. Pick the one that you think would work best on mom and pops and go for the gold. What do you have to lose? In the meantime, get out there and have fun in these last weeks of the year and deal with the damage later. In a few years your parents will look back and laugh at all of this… hopefully.
8) Head Down to Griffy Lake: With more free time in the summer, escape campus for a day and enjoy Griffy. Go kayaking or canoeing and just play in the sun. Bring a few handles and a jay or two and have an even happier day in the sun. 7) Kirkwood Observatory Stargazing: Grab that special someone and stroll on over to the observatory, conveniently located near the Sample Gates. Every Wednesday at 9 p.m. they offer public viewing sessions, perfect to set the mood. Take that girl you want as your summer fling, maybe she'll let you slip it in her black hole. 6) Open to Close at KOK: Kilroy’s is slightly less packed in the summer time, and you are slightly less bogged down by classes. Take a load off and spend the entire day getting shitfaced and making out with random grenades. You always promised yourself you’d do it one of these days, and summer is your perfect opportunity! 5) Experiment: The campus is basically empty and absolutely breathtaking. This is your perfect opportunity to try out all those hallucinogens you were too scared to try at the Tiesto concert. The Bloomington campus has nothing to provide you with in the summer but good vibes and a pretty place to chill out. 4) Go on Boats: Just because school is out doesn’t mean you can’t still hit up Lake Monroe with some buddies and go on boats. It might not be quite as crowded as during the year but it nevertheless is a perfect opportunity to get some sun and sip on some brewskies. 3) Have a Case Race: Let’s face it, if all you’re doing this summer is taking classes and chilling in Bloomington, you’re gonna have some major downtime on your hands. Reserve a day where you and your friends have nothing going on and do a case race. See if that tolerance is still up to Little 5 standards. May the best drinkers win. 2) Hit Some Balls at IU Golf: Obviously this involves a handle (or seven). Get drunk, throw on your outfit from last year’s golf pros and tennis hoes party, and dick around with your friends. You can spend the day casually swinging at the driving range or actually rent a cart, if they’ll let you, and get competitive. 1) Check Out Our Online Articles: Your favorite writers from Indiana University’s The Black Sheep will be sprinkling our website with amusing gems all summer long. Sure, it won’t be the same as holding our paper lovingly in your arms, but we’re willing to make this long-distance relationship work.
INDIANA STAFF WROTE THIS
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DON’T PUT DOWN YOUR CUP JILLIAN MANDELL WROTE THIS
Summer is almost upon us, and while we may have some things to look forward to, no one can truly be excited to leave this sanctum called Bloomington. We are blessed with an incontestable party scene, which means your alcohol tolerance will need some upkeep over the summer. Wherever you may be headed after your last final, don’t cut the booze out of your life unless you want to return back to freshman status come welcome week. You may not have twelve different options for parties every night like you do during the school year, but let’s be real, many summer festivities can easily turn into trollied messes. Baseball games are a great excuse to drink large quantities of beer while doing nothing but sitting on your ass. Depending on the team you follow, this can be a reliable reason to get hammered and make a fool out of yourself in public. Although you’re not cheering on any Hoosier team, it’s still a guaranteed great time. Summer concerts and music festivals are also great avenues if you're looking to spend your summer days sauced and incoherent. Country concerts have some of the best tailgates; beer pong, corn hole and whiskey are always at hand. It doesn’t matter whether or not you like the artist performing, you’ll be three sheets to the wind before you even enter the show. If you’re fortunate enough to live near the beach then your predicament is solved. When the weather is spectacular there’s nothing better than getting topsy turvey near a large body
of water. Sun and surf provide a great backdrop for any darty. Brews on the beach or Long Island Ice Teas are the perfect beverages to enjoy on days like these. There’s nothing like an IU spring break, but great parties on the beach can feel comparable. Cookouts and neighborhood block parties make for ample venues to get clobbered with uptight parents and young children all at once. It’s fun to get drunk with mom and dad every once in awhile, and quality family time is never a bad thing. So you accidentally tried to smoke the reefer with your dad’s coworker, worse things have happened. All of the unexplainable things that occur will one day make for a great story. If you want a more low-key method, wine and dine yourself on the reg. A nice glass of pinot grigio goes well with almost anything. In the summer months friends are always missed, but Karkov is missed even more. If you can get your hands on some of that holy water take advantage of it for those out-of-staters. Choosing to spend most of your summer sober will guarantee some embarrassing times during welcome week next year. You obviously want to avoid throwing up on others, dancing like you have an extreme amount of MDMA in your system (when in reality you don't), and ordering $300 worth of Jimmy Johns, so take the advice and follow the above tips. Do as Hoosiers do and keep those drinks at hand. Before we know it we’ll be back here taking Karkov pulls and shot gunning beers. Until then, have a fun and harebrained summer.
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I(LOVE THE)U: WHY ZelleR anD WaTfoRD STaYeD
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RYAN KENNEDY WROTE THIS Now that Christian Watford and Cody Zeller have announced that they will be returning next year, Indiana is retaining their starting five from this season, as well as gaining one of the top recruiting classes in the country. If you’ve been paying attention to media coverage of Indiana basketball you know because of this IU is widely considered the top-ranked team going into next season. But why would Zeller and Watford pass on an opportunity at millions of dollars to stay here in Bloomington? The Black Sheep has a few theories: The Women: It’s an undeniable fact that women love athletes. Especially athletes who are featured in ESPN commercials and may one day be pulling in big leagues bucks. You can’t show me a girl that wouldn’t jump all 6’11” of Cody Zeller’s bones. True, the NBA is full of groupies, but who wouldn’t want to walk around a college party literally draped in beautiful women? Free Everything: Athletes don’t pay for school, they don’t pay for books, they don’t pay for housing, and they don’t pay for sex (most of the time). They also don’t have to pay for drinks. Whether Sports is dishing out free bottle service so the team will show up, or some drunk, who keeps rambling about how he was totally at the Kentucky game, is emptying his savings into Watford’s shot glass, there’s never a shortage of free booze to go around. Which is nice because all those girls we mentioned earlier get pretty thirsty.
The Charlotte Bobcats: Being really freaking good at basketball in college is a double-edged sword - the best college players usually end up on the worst NBA teams. This means that there’s a possibility that Zeller could end up playing for the worst professional basketball team in history. Not leaving this year may only be delaying the inevitable, but you can’t blame him for trying to stay out of that hellhole. To Beat Purdue: Asserting dominance over everyone and everything Purdue-related is part of everyday life for IU students. It’s freaking fun to do. If each one of us had the basketball ability to run the Boilermaker squad into the floor at Assembly Hall, we would. Zeller and Watford have those abilities. How could they pass up the opportunity for at least two more chances to make Purdue their bitch? We’re thankful they’re not, because that shit is awesome to watch. To Hang a Sixth Banner in Assembly Hall: From Zeller to Watford, to your nine-year-old cousin, to your vaguely racist grandma, everyone knows that this team can win it all. They know that they have the opportunity to leave a lasting legacy in one of the country’s most historic basketball programs. At the end of the day, Zeller and Watford’s reasons for staying are irrelevant. They’re going to be playing bas-
ketball in the cream and crimson next year, and that’s all that matters. They deserve a ton of credit for passing on a shot at the pros in order to lead this program to the top. Professionals get paid, but legends never die.
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1-"2"-3 $1 Burgers from 5p-Close FREE T-shirts at 9pm *while supplies last $1 Cherry Bombs, Bazooka Joes, Jäger Bombs (minis) Everything under $6 is $2 $2 Bazooka Joes & Jäger Bombs $3.25 Three Olives Vodka $4 Three Olives Vodka/Red Bulls $10 Fishbowls w/ TOV $3 Miller Lite Bottles
$5 Double Capt Morgan $5 Double Pearl Drinks ANDY HOLLINDEN (4/27) MAIN SQUEEZE (5/4)
$2 Bazooka Joes & Jäger Bombs $3.25 Bacardi Drinks $3 Coors Light Bottles $12 Fishbowls
$6 Double Jack Daniels/ Bacardi Drinks REV PEYTONS BIG DAMN BAND (4/28) DOT DOT DOT (5/5)
WEDNESDAY: $0.15 Pints $1.50 Well Drinks
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WED: Brothers Mug Club Karaoke Starting at 11pm 15¢ Wings (9pm ‘til ?) $5 Mug Filled, $1.50 Refills (Wells, Domestic Taps, Three Olives Flavored Long Islands) $2 Jäger & 1800 shots $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles
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Everything under $6 is $1 No Cover for Ladies! Brothers Mug Club Karaoke Starting at 11pm 15¢ Wings (9pm ‘til ?) $5 Mug Filled, $1.50 Refills (Wells, Domestic Taps, Three Olives Flavored Long Islands) $2 Jäger & 1800 shots $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles
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MONDAY: $1 Domestic Pints
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A BAseBALL VIrGIn’s GUIDe to THe STaDIUM KATE WAXLER WROTE THIS Smell that freshly cut grass, put on those backwards caps, and get ready to rep your city; baseball season is finally upon us. Between the endless amounts of hot dogs, Roger the peanut guy throwing you bags from five rows down, and Old Style flowing endlessly into your cups, this is the greatest sporting season there is. Whether you keep up with the Cubs’ sickening record or if you can’t tell the difference between shortstop and third base, attending a baseball game is fun for everyone. Who wouldn’t enjoy spending the day in the sun, drinking a brew all while listening to “Sweet Caroline” on repeat? For all you baseball virgins, I’ve broken down the main happenings of each section in the stadium. Hopefully this way you won’t feel like the first time you attempted sex: confused, awkward and unsure how to slide into home plate. BLEACHER SEATS: Raise your cups and be ready to have ‘em filled the entire game. These seats are reserved for those who not only enjoy the game, but also rage throughout it. Finding a sober fan in the bleachers is like finding a glass of water during a Little 500 pregame: never going to happen. All you need is a little bit of sun, a cold cup of beer and some rowdy fans to make this day one for the books. Virgin tip: balls will be hit in your direction so be prepared. Avoid using your teeth to catch them and keep your hands at the ready.
BEHIND THE PLATE: You better be dressed to the nines for these seats because you’ll be getting some serious ESPN face-time. This is where the high rollers sit. You’re all up in the players’ business and can practically smell the sweat. Ladies, I know the real reason why we love this sport: baseball players have the best asses. If this is your favorite part of the sport, then stick to these seats. They have the best view in town of Jeter, Kemp and every other baseball sex god. Virgin tip: this is the best place to learn how to slide into home and how to handle a bat. Keep your eyes peeled. BOX SEATS: Usually boxes are reserved for ritzy companies trying to impress their lame clients, so if you get lucky enough to snag one of these seats consider it a big win. Who wouldn’t enjoy some delicious complementary stadium food, private seating and the life-changing dessert cart? Not to mention the superb people watching that you can do on the weirdos at the game. That superfan decked out in the team’s memorabilia head-to-toe, topped off with foam finger? He will have no idea who’s pelting him with popcorn from this angle. Virgin tip: getting it from behind is something of a shock to most, make sure to let others know if you’re open to multiple positions. SECOND LEVEL: Here is where you’re going to run into families and little kids, so try and keep it PG, Hoosiers. Dads taking their little nuggets to their first ball game are the cutest things. That is until the little shit starts crying his eyes out over a flipping rally towel. This section
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is also where the players’ wives usually sit. These pretty little ladies are easy to spot by their rockin’ bodies, Lilly Pulitzer dresses and the baseball-sized diamonds on their left hands. Virgin tip: if you’re trying to get laid after the game, this is NOT the place to sit. When it comes to the actual game, keep nodding, smiling and jumping up every time the crowd does - you’ll fool anyone into believing you actually know what the hell is going on. Virgins, I hope these tips will help you a bit more comfortable when rounding the bases yourselves. Happy baseball season!
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Issue Nickname: Lydy Bug
Be”
Relationship Status: Taken
What would your porn/stripper name be? Bambi
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If you could create a holiday what would it be?: Halloween twice a year
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What did you think when you woke up this morning? How many Hairy Bears I have to make Dream Job?: Marriage counselor and how many limes do I have to cut. Which celebrity would you punch in the face?: Kanye West If you could have any super power what would it be? What is your life motto? “Let It Invisibility
Thirty-One
Much like turning the amp up to eleven was critical to Spinal Tap’s success, playing Thirty-One is, like, ten times better than just playing blackjack. Also, there’s beer involved. What You Need: Beer, a deck of cards, basic math skills. Players: Two, but you should probably hit until you get three. Level of Intoxication: It’s like black-out blackjack. How to Play: - Like blackjack, the game has one dealer and several players. - A round begins with all players receiving three cards, two face-down and one face-up. - The cards are worth the number indicated on the face. Face cards are worth 10. Aces are worth 1 or 11. - The dealer circles around the table. Players must receive a card or knock. - If a player knocks, each other player has the opportunity to draw one more card. - Players reveal their cards. The player with the lowest total loses. - Any player that busts also loses. - Losers must drink an entire beer before they lose their next hand. - The deal is passed to the left before the next round begins. The Game Ends When: Someone gets hit for hitting one too many times.
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recipe for disaster:
Candy Sushi
Sushi is one of the most fun foods to eat. There are hundreds of different types, and each is delicious. However, the fishy flavor of normal sushi isn’t for everyone. That is why we have taken sushi, removed everything fishy about it, and added tons and tons of sugar, something everybody can enjoy! What You’ll Need: Fruit Roll-Ups, Rice Krispies Treats, and any candy of your choice. Cook Time: Dos minutos. Fatty Factor: You’ll get one hell of a sugar high. Let’s Get Baked: - Lay out the Fruit Roll-Ups with the plastic still on. - Take your Rice Krispies Treats and lay them on the Fruit Roll-Ups like a layer of rice. - Here’s the fun part: add candy to your sushi. We suggest gummy worms and Swedish Fish. - Remove the wrapper, roll up your sushi, cut it into little bites, and voilà! Make this treat even more unhealthy for you by dipping it into some sides like chocolate or maple syrup. Hell, go for straight sugar like a true sugarfiend.
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whAt GUYs eXPect FroM Porn THaT aIn’T Gonna HaPPen MADDIE ROSENTHAL WROTE THIS Beginning at the tender age of 12, every day from then on, and most recently nine minutes ago, guys have been watching porn. Between the hundreds of free websites and pay-per-view options (but who’s paying for porn anyway), guys never miss an opportunity to utilize the lotion and Kleenex they have bedside. Hell, they don’t even have to be horny. Just being bored qualifies as an excuse. By the time females are willing to put out, they’re virginal innocence doesn’t compare to the every-hole-is-an-entrance-porn their peers are jerking it to. Smart women will tune in and take notes on the smut because for the last 10 years, their boyfriends have grown accustomed to the likes of Jesse Jane and Jenna Haze. There are a few things that are easy to emulate: moaning three times louder than the pleasure we’re receiving merits, faking entire orgasms (full body shutters included), and those of us who are wifey material allow free reign to where our dude shoots his load. So it’s not like we don’t make an effort. Despite this, there are a few things that we physically can’t (and in some cases simply won’t) do. Blowjob Betty may be able to give direct eye contact the entire times she’s sucking you off, but the rest of us can’t. It’s quite literally impossible to blow you, breathe, emphasize how much we enjoy doing it, and stare at you all at the same time, especially if we’re trying to do a good job. And, unless you want a sticky, pink, glittery pecker, we won’t have lip-gloss on while we’re doing it like Jenna Jameson foolishly advocates. We can certainly work hard to
make the coveted slurping noises and we can even try and deep throat until we cry, but smiling before, after and during is asking a bit much. We aren’t getting paid for this (hopefully). We understand that beyond the age of 17, not swallowing is grounds for break-up, but just because you believe your jizz is the nectar of the gods does not mean that we’re going to gargle it in our mouths like it’s salt water after we lost a tooth. Similarly, our faces (of all places) have been declared the proverbial target for your one-shot musket. We get it, you like feeling dominant. While a lot of girls are absolutely willing to take one for the team and exfoliate while they’re at it, realize that a cum shot to our eye will not be greeted with the same generous reaction as the hookers on your computer screen. It leaves us blind and wanting a towel. Porn also gives men the impression that women would enjoy being woken up to a dick in their face. Besides seeing the 5-0 first thing in the a.m., the last thing I want when my tired eyes flutter open for the first time is the head of your penis trying to push through my pursed lips Next, I’d like to make a quick disclaimer. A cock slap to the face is never, ever okay. I don’t care how much Amber Wild enjoys it, women in the real world are more likely to sock you right in the balls after a move like that. Sorry, I’m not sorry. At all. Women understand that men like few things more than being told how well endowed they are. And with the average size of
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the American penis being a measly 4.5 inches (yes, erect), we understand that a lot of you need an ego boost. Sure, we’ll pay you and your johnson a quick compliment when you first whip it out if we’re pleasantly surprised, but what we will not do is scream out “Oh my God you’re sooooooooooo huge!!!!” seven times during what you call a “pounding”. Finally, I want to make one thing abundantly clear: anal sex is not fun. It does not feel good. Guys don’t fear getting raped in the ass in prison for no reason. It hurts like hell. Plus, the pain isn’t just physical, it’s emotional too. Let’s think back to the horror stories we’ve all heard about girls shitting the bed after someone overcompensated on the lube. So when Linda Lovelace takes it like it’s hitting her G-Spot, she’s giving men everywhere false hope. Maybe, just maybe, after six or so attempts the pain will be tolerable, but by that time her asshole will be so loose that retreating back to your girl’s cooch is the better option anyway. So fellas, next time you’re screwing a random bitch from the bar, your girlfriend, your slam piece…whatever she is, don’t expect her to behave like a porn star. But drop the girl that doesn’t at least try.
summer
blockbusted How movies that look so right
could go so wrong Bored to death of board game movies? Refuse to bite on Piranha 3DD? Summer movies are, for the most part, dreck. Still, there’s always a spate of films that promise to fulfill the audience’s desire for something more than boobs and things that go boom. Even then, things can go wrong. Though we fully expect these movies to kick all sorts of ass, here’s how we can see them suck.
The Dark Knight Rises Oh Jesus, dare we utter a word of doubt about this sacred cow? Well what if—and work with us here—just everything goes to shit. Bane flops as a villain. Catwoman doesn’t fill the gap as the playful antagonist. Talia al Ghul doesn’t show up. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s role is smaller than anticipated. Alfred dies. As Morgan Freeman ages he goes through reverse puberty, so suddenly his voice sucks. Commissioner A political send-up flick starring Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell (10 years ago Zach Galifianakis)? What could possibly go wrong?
Prometheus Picture this: A sci-fi prequel set in the same universe as several box office smash-hits. Few of the characters are the same, but the same ambiance, from physics to technology to tone, all hark back to the films produced decades before. The audience expects a certain amount of familiarity to exist—and by god it does. As the movie slogs forward it becomes apparent that this… this is not a good thing. Now, the Alien universe is wildly different from the Star Wars universe, and Ridley It’s hard not to think of the new Peter Parker, Andrew Garfield, as Eduardo Saverin in the really, really, really good film, The Social Network. He was perfect for the role, a tiny wiener kid given to “it’s not fair!” outbursts that reek of petulance. He was the perfect contrast to the coldblooded Mark Zuckerberg. So, not to get all typecast on Mr. Garfield, but if Peter Parker is portrayed as some mopey little baby upset with his newfound ability to climb walls, well, that’s gonna make us megafrownie all over the place. Based on early images, The Amazing Spider-Man looks to be much darker than the previous three films, so it’s more than possible that the film heads in
Scott is decidedly different from stuff-my-pants-so-fullwith-money-my-gunt-getspaper-cuts George Lucas, but the worry exists. There’s pressure on everyone associated with the film, from the director to the sound mixer, to make sure this new edition pays tribute to the original. With that, the audience could be left with an overflowing toilet full of allusions, callbacks and remembrances of films past, but nothing worthwhile. Nothing of substance, minus the shit.
Gordon becomes a bumbling dunce a-la the 60s camp TV show. Batman decides to sport the batnipples again, simply because they make him feel sexy. Listen, we’d be shocked—absolutely shocked—if the third installment falls short of very good-ness. If The Dark Knight Rises fails in the eyes of the audience, it’s likely because the audience’s expectations are too high. Slowly exhale everyone, it’ll be okay.
The Campaign
Well, it strikes us that both of these actors need a straight man to play off of to really capitalize on their style of absurd humor. Consider this conversation:
movies that look crappy
but might just turn out okay Men in black 3
After time-traveling to 1969, saving the world in the process, Will Smith’s Agent J decides to stay in the period. He becomes a militant Civil Rights Movement leader until promptly retiring in 1990 to his home in Bel-Air.
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter After finishing off Vampire John
Wilkes Booth, Lincoln declares himself Dictator of the United States of America, turning the country into a totalitarian state.
Snow White and the Huntsman
Will Ferrell: I’m kind of a big deal. Zach Galifianakis: Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man…because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a retard. Will Ferrell: You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha covered with hair. to keep the film set in some sort of reality, the movie (Each character awkwardly quickly spirals to a dark place stares at the other for thirty rife with one-liner one-upmanseconds.) ship until the audience’s heads simultaneously explode. And It doesn’t work. Instead of having that’s bad for repeat viewings. a comparatively sane character
In a film loaded with overwrought dialogue the cast breaks out in a hip-hop number that sees Kristen Stewart rap, “Yeah, I’m Snow White, the purest of them all/The Queen wanna dance with me, I’ll show her how I ball.”
that’s my boy The film’s final scene - in which the raunchy father (played by Adam Sandler) accidentally kills himself in an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap - turns out to be real footage.
magic mike
This Channing Tatum male stripper bildungsroman succeeds on the strength of its puns and double-entendres. In one scene Tatum’s Mike—dressed as a solider—is asked to “stop being a dick, show some balls and serve this cuntry.”
The Amazing Spiderman Brave
this direction. Peter Parker is supposed to be a snarky dick, not a whiney pussy. We have you on watch, Garfield.
Toy Story: Male protagonist. A Bug’s Life: Male protagonist. Toy Story 2: Male protagonist. Monsters, Inc.: Male protagonist. Finding Nemo: Male protagonist. The Incredibles: Male protagonist. Cars: Male protagonist. Ratatoullie: Male protagonist. WALL-E: Male protagonist. Up: Male protagonist. Toy Story 3: Male protagonist. Cars 2: Male protagonist. Now we have Brave, Pixar’s first foray into the wild, scary world of boobs. That’s not
cause for concern in and of itself. No, this move gets ruined if the female protagonist, Merida, suddenly has to rely on stupid, smelly boys to get good at kicking ass. It’s troublesome enough that Pixar has pumped out movies for seventeen years without once having a female lead, but to finally do it just to have this ginger girl relying on aid from dudes would totally nullify whatever progress they’re trying to make. You know, girl power or something.
rock of ages
Stacee Jaxx, played by mythical leprechaun Tom Cruise, busts out a bitchin’ guitar solo rendition of “Top Gun Anthem” when one of his band members dies of a heroin overdose.
ted Teddy bear-come to-life Ted turns out to be the reincarnation of Osama bin Laden. Upon discovering this, Mark Wahlberg’s character, John, teddy bear tickle tortures Ted before burying him alive in his back yard.
THe MUsIc PaGe
whAt to eXPect aT eleCTRIC foReST MUSIC feSTIVal With the school year wrapping up and summer nearly at our fingertips, festival season is like the Christmas of summertime, that is if Christmas lasted five days and happened every other weekend. The summer music festival scene reaches its apex in our backyard, with the Electric Forest Music Festival in Rothbury, Michigan. Though this year marks its fourth anniversary, the festival had a bumpy start when it was canceled after two years in 2010. Thankfully it returned in 2011 reborn, renamed and reenergized into a jam-band and electronic music hybrid festival that appeals to all ends of the music-lovers spectrum. Electric Forest is much more than an amazing five-day experience of celebrating music. It’s about being in the great outdoors with new and old friends, having amazing experiences and making unforgettable (or at least somewhat-hazy) memories. There’s free yoga in the afternoon, and glow-inthe-dark disc golf at dusk. There’s impressive hula-hoopers and hacky sackers galore, strange home-made contraptions around every corner just to trip you out, a seemingly infinite amount of glow sticks at your disposal and, if that all happens to bore you, an endless amount of eccentric The String Cheese Incident fans to keep the people-watching pastime entertaining. Did we mention the awe-inspiring beauty of the electric forest, an indescribable show of towering lit-up trees, captivatingly creative 3D fixtures, bizarre balls of lights hanging from who knows what and so much more that even the most sober will stay entertained? If that doesn’t make you squeal a little, then we’re not sure what will. Whether this is your first or fortieth music festival, Electric Forest is a unique experience that’ll stay with you forever. Here are some things to expect should you venture to this great experience:
Camping is No Joke: Camping at Electric Forest is about as barebones as it gets. You can’t have campfires, so don’t bring any food that needs to be cooked, but don’t forget that you can always splurge on some hot food inside the festival. Speaking of food, watch out for anything melting or spoiling in your car. You might only be there for four days, but ice melts in like, five hours, so check those plums you casually left in the backseat. Ice is available for sale at a hefty price and, depending on where you’re camping, it’s a bit of a walk to
get. And somehow, carrying 10 pounds of ice is a lot heavier than holding an adorable 10-pound puppy.
Become One With Walking: Speaking of walking, you best embrace it. The later you arrive at the festival, the farther away from the festival grounds you’ll be camping. This means you’ll be walking that much farther to get anywhere you need to go. Even if you’re towards the middle of camping it’s about 10 minutes to just get to the entrance of the festival, and once inside it’s a good half hour from front to back. But when it’s warm outside and you’re feeling good with your friends, the immense amount of walking should just become a part of the experience, instead of a death march to get to the fun. We’re not going to be like yo mama and tell you to wear “comfy, practical shoes” because we all know flip-flops are practically the most comfortable, the same ones we’ve been sporting for the past two summers. Bring an extra pair because it’d sure suck to lose yours in some mud, but if all else fails you can go barefoot to truly be one with nature.
Embrace the Weird: Last year it rained the first night, and wouldn’t it have been a damn shame if your adventuresome self hadn’t popped out of your shell, staying in your tent all night moaning about the weather? You’re a fool if you don’t bring a $5 poncho, so bust that puppy out, get ankle-deep in mud (see “bring an extra pair of flip-flops”) and see the bands you drove many, many hours for. The next day, when you’re inevitably dirty and sweaty, there’s alternatives to washing away the weird. There are some janky showers available for about $10, but there is also a lake that you can take a refreshing dip in. Is the lake a little dirty? It sure is, but it’ll
feel amazing after two days in heat, and it’s better than nothing. You’ll feel like a brand new person, and ready to rage for the rest of the weekend.
It’s All About the Music, Man: But no matter who you came here to see or what you wanted to do, everyone is at Electric Forest for one reason; to get fucked up and see awesome live music. The golden child of fun party music, DJ Girl Talk will grace the festival for the second time blending together 90s hits, rap, rock, techno and everything in between for our raging enjoyment. Diplo’s reggae party band Major Lazer is sure to bring their A-game to their first ever Electric Forest performance. One part hip-hop, one part reggae, all parts funky fun, not to mention their notoriously outrageous onstage performance, these guys will certainly wake up anyone who’s been zoning out. One of the more famous musicians you may have never heard of performing this year is English/ Canadian electronic-musician Richie Hawtin, who’s been creating minimal techno beats for over two decades, becoming an influential part of the Detroit techno scene (he grew up in Windsor, Ontario, the same place you puked out of a cab when you were 17). Do yourself a favor and check out this legend, who’ll surely put on an unforgettable set. A young buck who’s no stranger to the festival scene, MiM0SA’s experimental techno is just the thing to listen to if you aren’t sure if you want to get amped up or if you want to simply stare into some beautiful lights. He’s two parts fast paced and one part slowed-down vibes, creating just the right mixture to make everything okay. If you’re feeling like a chill pill is in order (and we don’t blame you one bit), Sound Tribe Sector 9 is blessing us with two performances this year. Go on and try to plan your vibed-out swaying with any other shows that you might want to check out because, though the settimes haven’t bet scheduled yet, STS9’s previous late-night shows have gone until the sun rises. Don’t you feel mellowed out already? Electric Forest Music Festival is June 28th - July 1st in Rothbury, Michigan. Tickets are on sale now at electricforestfestival.com.
Show Us Your Booze! : Cinco de Mayo Edition
show Us YoUr Booze! CInCo De MaYo eDITIon
Meet The Staff! CAMPUS MANAGERS Peter Rentschler Kate Brennan Ross Mappes EDITORIAL MANAGERS Elisabeth Klisser Bethany Aho ADVERTISING MANAGERS Andrew Harrison Sumit Chatterjee Tom Wetmore
DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Adrienne Wagner PR/MARKETING TEAM Megan Lamar (Manager) Mark Dunn Charlotte Jay CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham OWNER Atish Doshi
WRITERS Jillian Mandell Ryan Kennedy Kate Waxler Mack Sterr Kyle Hassett Kendall McDougal Madeline Rosenthal
FOUNDERS Peter Rentschler, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers
PHOTOGRAPHER Izzy Kellman
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