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Volume 1, Issue 1 | 9/01/11 - 9/20/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
Bleeding Black and Gold Katie wrote this
We all know the phrase “I bleed black and gold.” However, I am here to teach all you half-ass Hawkeyes the true meaning of the expression. You can’t simply buy a t-shirt that says “MUCK FICHIGAN” and suddenly become pure Hawkeye to your core, it requires devotion and loyalty to become a true fan. You must be in a committed relationship with the Hawkeyes. Bleeding black and gold requires that you go to every home game, and don’t even consider leaving at half because “it’s too cold.” That’s what (beer) jackets are for! And a true fan doesn’t just scream when the rest of the crowd does. Don’t think just because you have two X chromosomes you don’t need to pay attention. Watch and learn, you might actually gain some knowledge of a Hawkeyes’ favorite part of football season, tailgating. Although our Hawks have had a rough couple years, we refuse to let a few small issues stop us from hardcore tailgating. While the success of the team does affect our spirits post game, it does not affect the spirits we enthusiastically imbibe prior to kick-off. Most seasons in fact, we party more enthusiastically when preparing for a loss. In my opinion, tailgating can be broken down into three vital categories—the three B’s—bags, brats, and beer. The first category, bags, is essential for obvious reasons. It’s an activity to do while hanging out and getting the morning started. We could sit around our mini-grills and stress about the upcoming game versus Northwestern—because they definitely have our number lately—but that seems lame. Instead of throwing hot dogs at anyone wearing the opposing team’s colors, we distract ourselves with another game that we can be just as competitive about, bet on, and gain bragging rights through. If you can perfect your bags skills, you can be a legend around campus, earn the respect of those who doubt your athletic abilities (we’ve seen you try catching a football), and maybe win some money, or better yet, free drinks from friends. While not all tailgates serve food, I find that it does help with preparing for the long day ahead. We put our stomachs — and our livers — through a lot during our time at Iowa. From mixing beer and
Other stuff
Inside
05: Top 10
Worst Roommates to Get Stuck With.
liquor, to late-night food made with who knows what, to skipping meals to fit back into those jeans. If you spend every Saturday morning tailgating and don’t put any food in your stomach, you won’t be able to last all day and still make it out at night. Planning is essential if you don’t want to be the kid passed out in a tailgating chair before kickoff (with penises drawn on your face, by the opposing team’s fans, no less). Think before you drink, as we were all taught in our 5th grade D.A.R.E. program. In order to avoid this demoralizing situation, I recommend food that will confuse your stomach into believing that it’s past noon. If you eat a brat at 9:00AM, your stomach will assume it’s later in the day — when it’s normal to eat a brat — and will handle everything else better. Note: there is absolutely NO study proving that this will actually help. So, take my advice and have a brat for breakfast every Saturday. Maybe two. The final piece to a perfect tailgate is, of course, beer. If you are a lightweight and can’t handle beer in the morning or just don’t drink beer (believe it or not, these people do exist at Iowa), you can substitute it for a Screwdriver or Bloody Mary. But come prepared with all the fixings, because I doubt any guy would willingly leave his own tailgate to get you the ingredients for a Bloody Mary, no matter what sexual favors you promise him in return. Whether we are playing Northwestern, Iowa State, or even Louisiana-Monroe (who the hell is that anyway?), tailgating to the fullest makes the wins that much sweeter, and the losses that much easier to forget. Now, if you are reading this article and are two seconds away from dragging me to an AA meeting, pause. Consider the fact that everything I said was absolutely true. Also, keep in mind that I was the one who told you to eat before you drink. And I was the one who reminded you not to throw hot dogs at the opposing teams’ fans. If you end up in the stadium jail for falling asleep in the front row of the student section (it happens…), don’t blame a random Black Sheep writer for telling you how to make the losses easier.
07: 90’s Cartoon Characters
Where are they now? Dead, mostly.
11: the black sheep interviews:
Swedish rockers Peter, Bjorn and John!
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Table of
contents 12
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How to Fail in a Long Distance Relationship Why even try when it’s going to end up with him cheating on you? Bartender of the Month Jake from Shorts gives us the long hard talk about life as a bartender.
16 The
Page 4
Black Sheep Syllabus Welcome to the only class you’ll ever need.
The Worst People to Go Out With Look in the mirror, buddy. It’s probably you.
From the Streets These roommate stories are pretty classic...
An Ode to Tailgating It’s more than just poetry, it’s broetry..
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Letter from the Managers To My Fellow Hawkeyes, Welcome to the first edition of The Black Sheep at Iowa. Or as we like to call it “the virginity issue,” but unlike your first time, you’ll actually want to look at us the next morning. We’re a college newspaper that is actually about college. I know it’s a crazy notion, but since we’re about to become besties4life I thought you should know what we’re all about. We’ll be here for you from tailgating to dollar-you-call-it, from a public intox ticket to that night you were “roofied.” Sorry, but here at The Black Sheep we call that blacking out. Not that you’re not so hot, I’m sure you are, but it’s happened to the best of us. Alright, now that that little debate is over let’s discuss the real debauchery you will come to know and love from us. We will guide you through your pregame and into your afties with our recipes for disaster, beer reviews, power hour games and everything naughty in between. So if you’re down to pound, (yes I know that has multiple meanings) start feasting your eyes on these seven pages of college life glory. If you really can’t get enough of us, than like us on Facebook (The Black Sheep at Iowa) and follow us on twitter (BlackSheepUIowa). We’ll be the best thing you’ve discovered here in Iowa City since your first FAC experience.
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Peace, Panch, and Hawkeye Vodka, Cori and Callie PS. If you want to be as cool as us, and you think you’ve got what it takes, apply at Blacksheepuiowa@gmail.com. We’re looking for writers, editors, marketing reps, and groupies.
! s m a r g a n A Sexy Can you guess these hotties? Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com The first 5 right answers win prizes!
Word of the week Shlacker:
Dreary Nylons
Derby Rock Elk On
Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com
Definition: A person who comes over for sex, but immediately passes out. Sentence: “When I brought Kyle home he immediately fell asleep on the couch, that shlacker.”
04
How to Fail in a Long Distance Relat ionship
Katie wrote this
Many of you reading this are probably thinking, “My relationship is so healthy, it can’t fail. But I wonder what this chick thinks causes failure... just in case.” You’re reading this in hopes of avoiding the classic mistakes of a long distance relationship. You are even willing to read my crappy advice in order to survive the physical separation. But the fact is you cannot make your lovely-dovey, cuddly relationship into a long distance relationship by having loads of phone sex and reading relationship articles in your local Black Sheep. In fact, I don’t really have any idea how to make a long distance relationship WORK. What I do know, however, is the usual story of a disintegrating long distance love. If you are desperately seeking a magical cure to your distance anxiety, search no further. You will not find it. The only
cure is the touch of your distant fella, not just any ol’ fella you meet at Union. But let’s say you are so desperate for affection (because the phone sex is no longer doing it for ya), you go out for Thirsty Thursday. You flirt “innocently” with an oh-so-charming, frat boy, which does help to numb the pain of distance for a bit. The following day you decide to continue this good feeling and go out for FAC. You flirt “innocently” once again, but this time your innocent flirting turns into photographs of you macking it with your new friend on the Union stage. This photo ends up on Facebook, and although your best friend -“kindly”- did not tag you in it, the boy you spent the previous night with takes it upon himself to point the photo out to your boyfriend.Hypothetically, let’s say you survive the disastrous fight caused by the Facebook photo. There is still far more drama to come. Now knowing how easy it was for you to forget about your long distance attachment, who can say if your fella has not done the same? Yeah, all relationships are built on trust and that crap, but for all you know there is a persistent chick in a push-up bra manipulating him to make the same decisions you made on your experimental Greek night. The more you think about the girls he is surrounded by, the more you question his love and devotion.
Someone you know is planning her future.
Meanwhile, your new frat friend is always around when you need a shoulder, telling you things like “You would never feel like this with me” or “I would never try to control you like that.” Without you realizing it, he is laying the groundwork for your imminent break-up. Next time you see a photo of your boyfriend with another girl all of that emotion comes boiling to the surface. “Don’t hang out with that girl anymore!” “Why the hell not?”“Because she obviously wants you!”“Well, fine. If I can’t see her anymore then you can’t go to whatever fucking bar has a stage!” “Well, then if I can’t dance on stage anymore, you can’t go to bars either.” “Well, then I’ll have no social life.” “Well, I don’t give a shit.” Once you no longer crave cuddling with your long lost beau and your charming stand-in boy is enough to subdue the craving, your relationship is dead and gone. Perhaps you’ll be happy the next time you see him, but when you lean in to kiss his cheek, you will picture red lipstick permanently inked on his face from that push-up wearing whore (whom you are sure he hooked up with). No matter what he claims didn’t happen, single life will become more and more appealing. Or if you’re the relationship hopping type, you will no longer feel the need to turn down your stand-in cuddly buddy’s propositions. Long distance relationship failure.
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TOP TEN
The Worst People to Go Out With
10. God’s Gift to Heaven: When she’s not reading the Bible or solving world hunger, she is reciting the Book of Proverbs and praying for your salvation. Just because you’re boring and prude doesn’t mean I am. Oh, and it’s none of your business what goes near my lady parts.
Jessie wrote this
It’s Thursday night and you’re alone in your apartment. Your roommates went out after class and your other friends were supposed to text you hours ago but that hasn’t happened, yet. Are they ditching me? Did they forget? Do they hate me for the other night…? It’s pretty likely that you made a fool of yourself, but in what way? We’re guessing you acted like one of these characters: The Shitshow: Everyone has those nights. Whether you “didn’t eat dinner,” or God forbid, “got roofied,” you woke up the next morning with your face glued to the toilet seat. As the rough day continues, so does your disgrace. Your Blackberry vibrates every few minutes with new Facebook notifications, “you’ve been tagged in 15 pictures by _________ (insert name of complete stranger here).” Each set of snapshots are progressively more horrifying than that last. First, you were dancing on tables. Then you were apparently dropping beats in the DJ booth, which of course led to a sloppy make-out session. And the last few pictures suggest your night ended abruptly. Somewhere between your face plant down the Summit staircase and an alleged screaming match with the cashier at Panchero’s, you somehow managed to stumble home. You were the most belligerent creature in Iowa City last night, so consider spending the day being grateful you’re alive. When you’re done with that, start begging your friends for forgiveness. Perhaps finding new friends might be easier.
9. Drug Dealer: Drugs 24/7 fo freeeee. Sounds peachy. Until you realize that easy access to getting fucked on the reg decreases all aims toward productivity. Not to mention, the sketchy-ass people showing up at your place at odd hours. You’ll quickly realize the honeymoon ended before it ever began.
The Cheap-Ass : You forgot your cash at home. Your debit card isn’t working. You got paid today, but haven’t cashed your check yet. It’s happened to all of us — once. But when you willingly help yourself to the Keystones in the fridge four times a week and conveniently disappear every time it’s your turn to buy a round, you are without question the topic of conversation every time you leave the table to buy yourself, and only yourself, another drink.
"Somewhere between your face plant down the Summit staircase and an alleged screaming match with the cashier at Panchero’s, you somehow managed to stumble home”
The “Tank”: “God I was a mess last night. Can you believe how much I drank? I easily had 10 beers at the pregame, not to mention I was drinking before that, too. Then at the bar who knows how many shots I had? In the teens, easily.” And I’m sure you were just about to tell us how you drank an entire handle of Hawkeye by yourself at after-hours, too. Save yourself the storytelling. I can assure you that 100% of the people around you could give a rat’s ass how much you did or didn’t drink and are rapidly texting one another trying to figure out who invited you in the first place.
Worst Roommates to Get Stuck With
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The Parent: The night is winding down. You’re scanning the mobs for a familiar face so you don’t have to navigate back to the apartment alone. You spot your unconscious roommate and manage to convince them to ditch the tool they’ve been “connecting” with all night. Then, you are faced with quite possibly the biggest dilemma of your entire night. Pancheros? Mesa? Marco’s? All of the above? You’re just about to get in line to order your gourmet feast and then it happens: “Come on, you don’t need that. We have food at the apartment,” or “What is even on that? I think I see chicken, marinara sauce, noodles and taco meat. That’s disgusting.” Then of course there’s the, “I’m full” or the “I’m broke” (it’s a 99-cent taco for Christ’s sake) load of garbage— we’ve heard them all. And I promise you, none of these faulty lines hold any validity to your friend who is 15 drinks deep, exhausted, and simply can’t sleep on an empty stomach. Any friend who leaves their friend to wolf down a late night feast alone is no friend at all. Wow, so this bruise must be from the Summit stairs? And wait, I was taking tequila shots at the bar…who the hell was buying those? — Not me. Looks like I’ll just stay in tonight, I have a ton of school work I’m behind on anyway.
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8. Alcohol Thief: That awful job you took at the caf to support your booze fund certainly isn’t covering the cost to drink effectively each weekend with this roommate around. A shot here, a few beers there, this shit adds up. And you certainly can’t confront them about it, because after all, they have access to all your personal belongings. 7. Sober Monitor: Okay, so you blacked out. Not a big deal. It’s bound to happen every once in a while (or every night you go out). With this chick around you will be unpleasantly reminded of every ridiculous black out moment from the previous night and stuck awkwardly trying to defend yourself by saying things like, “So what if I peed in the sink? This is my room too, you know.” 6. Red Light District Lady: Different guy (or girl, or both, if she swings that way) every night… whether it’s another random downtown hook up or a “friend with benefits”, not a weekend will pass without some scrub shacking with her. Not a big deal, right? Imagine bunking with someone who gets as much action as Vinny Chase. Yuck. 5. Mr. Clean: At first, you think it’s going to be great, and this guy/girl will habitually keep the room sparkling clean. Until the passive aggressive notes with “chores” you need to complete start appearing throughout the room. Eventually, all of their bitter rage explodes like an erupting volcano and they will go ballistic over something completely insane. How could you not realize there were separate sponges for the dishes and the counters? 4. Couch Potato: Remember how nice it felt to lay on your couch? Remember how nice it was when it didn’t smell like moldy French onion dip? And remember when it didn’t have those weird stains that closely resembled all sorts of bodily liquids? You better find a new place to sit because it’s his territory now. And get used to watching old SVU reruns because he who runs the couch runs the remote. 3. The Alpha Male: Think Ronny. Or Pauly. Or The Situation. Or really any male cast member of “The Jersey Shore.” Then imagine living with him. 2. The Borrower: I’m pretty sure “borrow” means to take for temporary use, not hoard until you feel like a complete jerkoff for gingerly asking them to borrow back what you lent them months ago. It just makes for some serious roomie tension when they’ve broken, lost, or used inappropriately anything you’ve lent them, and you’re left saying things like “Ahh dude sorry. I actually can’t let you borrow my toothpaste because I’m gonna need that tonight.” 1) The Slob: Mr. Clean’s arch nemesis. Every time the slob cooks, the kitchen appears as if someone pillaged your entire fridge. It’s almost as if this person would feel totally comfortable living in some sort of landfill soaking in mountains of garbage. Get used to it. Your apartment will develop its own personal compost of spilled cereal, smelly socks, and all the other shit they leave lying around.
Cori Depue wrote this
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90’s Cartoon Characters...Where Are They Now? Callie wrote this speculated that she has either gone out Amy Winehouse style or she’s actually in rehab. No one really knows…
We’ve searched the ends of the earth to uncover where our favorite childhood characters have gone. They lived a charmed life on the ‘90s television circuit, but unfortunately like most child stars, their spectacular lifestyle was short-lived. Helga G. Pataki (Hey Arnold) Helga spent her youth ruling PS 118 with an iron fist. Her days once consisted of tormenting Arnold about his footballshaped head (which was later discovered as a brain tumor, causing Arnold’s death at the tender age of twenty-two), and always predicting that everyone was going to die whenever the slightest bit of trouble arose. After the ‘90s dot com bubble burst, Big Bob’s Beepers went out of business, and Helga was kicked to the mean streets of Hillwood. After picking up a nasty meth habit, Helga disappeared. It’s been
Beavis and Butt-head (Beavis and Butt-head) Although their misogynistic, perverted antics were considered acceptable for a ‘90s teen in Highland, TX, their behavior didn’t stay funny for long. After high school they spent their days working at Burger World and their nights harassing women at a local strip club. Even that wasn’t enough for Beavis and Butthead. They needed more from the ladies. On July 9th, 2000 both Beavis and Butthead were convicted of rape. They were released from prison in 2010, and attempted to move to suburbia to keep out of trouble. Unfortunately, for them, their neighbors frequently check the sex offender registry and formed a lynch mob full of PTA parents to chase them out of town. They violated their parole to return to the safety of the federal pen and will re main incarcerated until 2020. Daria has promised to testify at their parole if she hasn’t committed suicide by then. Eliza Thornberry (The Wild Thornberry’s) Eliza’s childhood was a unique one to say the least. Broadcasting that she was able to talk to animals made Eliza the target for many psychiatrists speculation. For God’s sake the girl’s best friend was a monkey named Darwin. After she
returned to the states Eliza found herself unable to adjust to life with humans. After unsuccessfully trying to free the entire Brooklyn Zoo, Eliza landed herself a permanent home at Belleview Psychiatric Institute. She’s been labeled a paranoid schizophrenic and has been banned from every zoo in the continental U.S. Oswald “Otto” Rocket (Rocket Power) Otto Rocket died on October 3rd, 2006; he was only 14. Otto was killed in a freak snowboarding accident while training for the winter Olympics. Ocean Shores is still mourning the loss of a legend. Catdog (Catdog) Remember the strange phenomenon that was Catdog? A cat and a dog fused together on a single body, fascinated children of the ‘90s. Sadly, Cat’s superior intelligence led him to grow weary of Dog’s antics, and they eventually chose to go through with a separation surgery. As the surgeons began the surgery they discovered that Cat and Dog shared several major organs, including a liver that was already damaged from years of Cat’s alcoholism. Only Dog survived the surgery, but he only lasted 3 days before he too bit the big one. Turns out our two-headed icon was never meant to live as a normal American pet, that’d be just too conventional of a life for a Nickelodeon cartoon.
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Happy Hour 3p-9p (everyday except Friday) $2 U-Call-Its Friday F.A.C. (3p-8p) $3 U-Call-Its, $3 Pitchers Keystone Lt. & Busch Lt., $3 Burger Baskets, $3 Wings
“Mug Club” $5 Mugs with $1 Refills $2 Domestic Pints, $2 Calls $2.50 Jack Daniel’s, SoCo Drinks
WEDNESDAY $1 PBR Cans (8PM - 12AM)
$2 Domestics $4 Bombs Live Pianist No Cover (4PM - 2AM)
SUNDAY: Free Pizza at 10! Drag Show at 10:30 $2 You Call It $3 Bombs $3 Martinis
$3 Import Bottles (9PM - Close)
1/2 Price Wine & Martinis Live Pianist | No Cover (4PM - 2AM)
$2 Wells, Shots, Domestics $3 Calls & Imports No Cover!
$2.50 Leinie Pints (9PM - Close)
$2 Domestics $4 Bombs Live Pianist No Cover (4PM - 2AM)
Drag Show at 10:30! DJ Nate Dance Party $2 Domestics $2.50 UV Vodka Drinks
Make it a Double For Just $2 More! (9PM - Close)
$3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Bombs Live Pianist (4PM - 2AM)
Elation Dance Party $3 Bacardi Drinks $4 Bombs
FRI
$1 Cherry & Grape Bombs $2 Jäger & O Bombs $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3.75 long islands $4 Premium long islands $4.50 Three Olives & RedBull
SAT
$1 Cherry & Grape Bombs $2 Jäger & O Bombs $3 Bacardi mixers $3.75 long islands $4 Premium long islands $9 Bud Light towers (Open-9p)
SUN
Open at 7pm Bloody Mary Specials & MORE!
SIN Sunday Service Industry Night $3 Whiskey (7PM - Close)
Closed
Free Pizza at 10! Drag Show at 10:30 $2 You Call It $3 Bombs $3 Martinis
MON
Monday “1-2-3” $1 Wells, $2 Bud Light pints $3 Shots $2 Killian’s Pints $5 Killian’s Pitchers $9 Bud Light Towers
$3 Import Pints (9PM - Close)
$3 Three Olives Vodka Drinks No Cover (4PM - 2AM)
Closed
TUES
Taco Tuesday $1 Well Mixers, $2 Dos Equis pints $3 Tequila sunrise $3 Margaritas, $4 Patron shots $1.75 Killian’s Pints $5 Killian’s Pitchers
$2 16oz Tall Boys (9PM - 1AM)
1/2 Price Wine & Martinis No Cover (4PM - 2AM)
Karaoke $3 Wells & Domestics No Cover
WED
“Stones & Bones” 15¢ Wings $1.25 Miller High Life bottles $1.50 Keystone Light pints $2 Bacardi Drinks, $2 Domestic Pints $2.50 long islands, $1 Wells & Bombs (midnight-close)
$1 PBR Cans (8PM - 12AM)
$2 Domestics $2 Wells No Cover (4PM - 2AM)
Open Stage w/ Sasha Belle $2 Wells & Pucker Shots No Cover
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SHOUT OUTS!
Larry- sorry my friend told you you were her soul-mate, lured you into our cab, and then made you pay our $30 fee...you win some you lose some. At least you’re “more mature” than we are. Shoutout to Mesa’s mac and cheese pizza for being so delicious when drunk. Thank you Syllabus Week for allowing me to rage 7 days straight without any inhibition Dear drunk-ass, despite popular belief, mouthing “let’s go upstairs and screw” is not the best tactic The Impossible task: Getting Panchero’s all the way home without eating it while hammered Neighbors, quit calling the cops on us, sorry we party Karen E. is the only person on campus who requires a leash - Caitlyn S.
SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com
Shout out to all the people that can see me naked through my window! All the boys playing football during
SHOUT OUT OF THE WEEK To the boys outside watching the girls walk by during formal recruitment: they may be a 10 but you’re still a 5.
recruitment… yeah, not obvious at all. Hey Jeremy, remember that one time you
thought the “F” in “DTF” stood for Frisbee? Keep asking the girls! -Mike Anthony - If you tell anyone my natural color, I’ll kill you. - Hannah Nick, this year better not be the same as last year when I moved in and caught you jerking it in my room. Seriously. -Kyle Rhett, stop going on Chatroulette...you’ve seen like 14 penises this week. - Omar Hey James, next time try lasting more than 2 minutes...what a waste of a whole night of game Steve - the next time you slap a slice of pizza out of hands and onto the sidewalk, I’m going to make you eat it. - John To the blonde who wears the same white tank to Marketing every single day...nice THO. Melissa...nose job? Yep, we all thought so.
TOP TEN
Reasons to Drink at The Deadwood
1. We are not an Irish bar. 2. You can make a memory in our photo booth. 3. The Deadwood recycles vigorously. Check our competitors dumpsters. 4. Women do the same work as men at The Deadwood. The person checking IDs at the door is just as likely to be a woman as a man. 5. Angry Hour: 4:00 - 6:30pm.
6. The Deadwood women’s whiskey drinking team might be practicing. 7. Sally’s award winning chili is “free” with purchase before home football games. 8. Illinois residents are welcome and appreciated. 9. Sassiest waitress in the Big 10. 10. Pub quiz on Tuesdays.
Six South Dubuque Street | Iowa City, Iowa 55240 (319) 351.9417
10
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Fall 2011 Crappy Movie Guide
We were going to do an actual fall movie guide, but when we looked at the release schedule we couldn’t help but think, “Holy shit, all of these movies look terrible.” Hey, gotta do what the market dictates, right? By: Brendan
Title: Bucky Larson: Born to Be a Star Release Date: September 9th Starring: Nick Swardson, Christina Ricci, Don Johnson Why It’s Gonna Suck: Look, Nick Swardson seems like a nice enough guy. His stand-up is pretty funny, and he was genuinely hilarious in Grandma’s Boy, but the rest of his filmography includes such classics as 30 Minutes or Less, You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry and his (7 episode long) TV series Nick Swardson’s Pretend Time. What is this dude doing starring in a movie, again? Scene Guaranteed to Happen: The camera cuts quickly to everyone in the room just after Swardson makes some sort of thinly-veiled allusion to Bucky’s homosexuality. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Lick pus from an oozing foot blister.
Title: Abduction Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Taylor Lautner, Lily Collins (daughter of Phil Collins!) Why It’s Gonna Suck: The tagline for the movie is “The fight for the truth will be the fight of his life.” He’s not Martin Luther King Jr. people, he’s a shitty, emotionally void actor who finally gets to fire a gun instead of shape shifting into a werewolf. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: A low-angle camera circles a shirtless Taylor Lautner as he stares menacingly into the distance, gun in hand. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Inject baby shit into my own ass with a turkey baster.
Title: Dolphin Tale Release Date: September 23rd Starring: Morgan Freeman, Ashley Judd, Harry Connick Jr., a dolphin Why It’s Gonna Suck: A heartwarming tale about a dolphin losing its tail? Puns in the title? Harry Connick Jr.? Dolphin Tale has “schlockfest” written all over it. Expect life lessons about friendship, social responsibility and questionable movie roles (why, Morgan Freeman?) all up in your grill, because every time a dolphin gets caught in a tuna net, it’s your fault, you filthy consumer piece of shit. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An emotional moment is had by all when the dolphin, new tail in hand, breaches the water in a display of friendship with the young protagonist. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Your mom. Boosh.
Title: Real Steel Release Date: October 7th Starring: Hugh Jackman, Evangeline Lilly, robot boxers Why It’s Gonna Suck: Because for some reason this movie will have a plot. A stupid, contrived plot. Down-on-his-luck Jackman meets a kid that inspires him to get back into the ole’ robot fightin’ game? No. Robots punching each other? Yes. It doesn’t matter how much robot fighting is in this movie, unless there’s 8 hours of clobberin’, there needs to be more metal-on-metal action. Scene Guaranteed to Happen: An absolutely ridiculous montage featuring Hugh Jackman teaching a robot how to box. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Eat a random item out of a hospital dumpster.
Title: The Three Musketeers Release Date: October 21st Starring: Orlando Bloom, Christoph Waltz, Milla Jovovich Why It’s Gonna Suck: The first two sentences of the film’s Wikipedia entry note The Three Musketeers is a “steampunk-influenced reinterpretation…shot in 3D.” My god, you can practically see the studio execs massaging their boners as they think about the buzzwords attached to the flick. “Hey, Harvey, do you think the synergy between a steampunk movie shot in 3D and the vertical collaterals of a burgeoning franchise will get us each another bathtub full of money?” “I dunno, Lewis, would you like to suck my dick while I think about it?” Scene Guaranteed to Happen: Some weird steam-powered flying contraption zips out into the audience. Disgusting Thing I’d Rather Do Than See This Movie: Go down a Slip N’ Slide full of an obese family’s taint sweat.
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the MUSIC page
The Black Sheep Interviews: John (but not Peter or Bjorn) Like that IKEA where you bought your scummy dorm futon, Swedish indie rockers Peter Bjorn and John are pretty damn big, and they’re all over America. The trio is kicking off their All You Can Eat tour in Chicago, with dates across the nation until they wrap up in San Francisco on October 8th. Drummer John Eriksson was kind enough to let us interview him. What a handsome gentleman. The Black Sheep: How did having a hit like “Young Folks” change your approach to writing songs for Gimme Some? John: I think we’re 50% “screw it” and 50% “let’s not screw it up.” Having a hit in the genre of “indie-pop” --or whatever we are-- could be a bit like if the most popular dish at a steakhouse was fish, in other words, “confusing.” For us “the hit” works like a carrot on a stick, “Young Folks” has a life of its own and that is what you want to happen to all of the songs you write. We wanna make evergreens, classic fucking pop songs that will last forever, and we try to do that all the time. Sometimes we fail, of course, but on Gimme Some we think that there are some pretty decent ones, for sure.
CD REVIEW
Out Now
Lil Wayne
Tha Carter IV
The third time’s the charm, not the fourth. If you’ve never heard the saying “never be the last one to leave a party,” then you’ve probably been the last one at a party before, and know how awkward/terrible it is. All the cool kids arrive fashionably late then bounce before there’s even a hint of the party winding down, and there you are, too drunk on the front steps with rap music blaring to no one. It’s an important statement to live by, friends. Though Wayne took a hiatus from the rap/rock-party scene after Rebirth to spend 8 months in the slammer, he had good intentions for how to pop back from that. He started recording his 9th studio album Tha Carter IV shortly after the amazingly successful Tha Carter III came out in 2008, which sold millions of records and won him a Grammy. After the success, he put the recording on hold so that he wouldn’t release something “potentially inferior” (yet, see Rebirth and I Am Not a Human Being). Sounds pretty pessimistic, Wayne. The first single from Tha Carter IV, “6 Foot, 7 Foot,” has a catchy beat via the Jamaican folk song “Day-O” (perhaps most familiar during that one scene in Beetlejuice when the gang starts dancing and singing around the kitchen table) which is a creative cop-out to a catchy hook. But that’s fine, because more of the original beats on the album definitely don’t deliver. Drake is back and boring as ever, lending uninspired vocals to the second single “She Will” where he raps about if he’s going to get some pussy from this girl, and that maybe he will but then again, maybe he won’t; how deep.
C-
“How to Hate” features perfectly awful T-Pain, autotuning his way into oblivion. People really still use Autotune seriously? It’s a shame, because the lack of talent from Drake, T-Pain and a few others that collab on this album take away from what Wayne could have done… or perhaps it was to gloss over what he was unable to do. “President Carter” is a clever song that samples Jimmy Carter’s inauguration from waaay back when in 1976, so now you know instead of continuously thinking that it sounded “familiar.” But besides from that, this is one of the better slower songs on the album. One of the other slower songs “How to Love” is an emotional, well-produced tune that I can give props to, but Lil Wayne at his best is not crying about how he doesn’t know how to love. He better when he’s screeching and being loud and fun, which is what he needs to go back to; more creativity and originality, less boring beats that all start to sound the same. I don’t think Lil Wayne should have ended his career just because he spent some time behind bars, but he just needs to know when to leave the party. But at this rate he better stick around until the next one, because I think he left his talent between the couch cushions at the last one. Sounds Like: Lil Wayne is getting tired. Download: 6 Foot 7 Foot, President Carter, Outro Listen to it When: You’ve been a fan of Wayne’s since his Cash Money days, and you just have to.
TBS: What’s the creative process for you guys? Like, talk me through how you get an idea for a song to how you get a finished product. John: Things start when I’m on tour, walking the streets of some city like Chicago and a melody starts playing in my brain. I’ll pick up my smartphone and record the melody. Then, when I get back to Sweden I’ll go back to the smartphone for the melodies and the lyrics or notes I made for it. I use that to build a song. Three months later I’ll make a demo and sent it off to Peter and Bjorn, we’ll meet in some deserted cellar and rehearse it for 30 or 40 minutes. Eventually we’ll book a studio with some decent mics, walk into a studio and spend 8 or so hours recording a song. Of course the song gets changed like, 6 times. After a few beers and some more mixing we’ll like how it sounds, and we’ll head to mixing (the most mysterious part of the creation). We’ll fight over the mix for a while, and a few weeks later it’ll be finished, we’ll master it and it’ll be ready for a person’s ears. TBS: Can you talk about the differences, if any, in touring different countries or continents? Can you make--or speak in-- generalities about venues and shows in different parts of the world, or is that just a myopic point of view from an ill-traveled interviewer? John: People are more or less quite similar all over the world, believe it or not. The biggest difference — and the stuff that will affect the show — is the way the stage works and what kind of food you eat before playing. (And we have eaten much better stuff in Texas than in France). During our upcoming US tour we want to explore those differences even more. In Chicago, for instance, we play at like four different venues during one week. We had this idea that people could get a super ticket and go to all of the shows, we want it to be like a big PB&J buffet, hopefully no one will throw up afterwards. TBS: You’ve shown a lot of support for hip-hop, and hip-hop artists have shown a lot of love to you. Why do you think your music lends itself so well to that genre? John: I think it’s because the drums and the beats in our music are so awesome. (Editor’s note: Because John is the drummer, you see.) TBS: When you’re not busy doing music things, what are you doing? John: At the moment mostly kissing and eating. Not at the same time though.
CHeck out more online at >>> theblacksheeponline.com
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www.theblacksheeponline.com
Bartender of the Week Jake Lancaster Short’s Burger & Shine Relationship status: Single Major: Creative Writing Favorite drink: Limón & water Favorite shot: Gladiator. Made with Amaretto, Triple Sec, Cranberry and OF Worst drink: Wild Turkey & Rumplemintz. It’s called “rooster poop.” Celebrity you’d punch in the face: Daniel Tosh Worst pick-up line you’ve heard on the job: “Your major is so interesting. Have you ever been with a man?” Disney character you’d most like to hook-up: Mulan. I like strong women Who would you most like to have a tickle fight with: Sally Mason One thing you’d never want your Mom to know: I don’t care about the Cubs. She obsesses over them; I think baseball is just something to entertain yourself with between NFL & NBA seasons. How many four-year-olds could you take in a fight:
drinking game:
Grand Larceny Lie, cheat, steal. These words are big no-no’s in the religious text of your choice, but people do them everyday. That pains us far too much, so we’ll drink to forget that sad fact. Number of Players: Three to six. What You Need: A deck of cards and a case of beer. Intoxication Level: You’ll rob a liquor store, and then buy beer from them. How to Play: -Have all players sit in a circle, shuffle the deck of cards. -In Grand Larceny, numbered cards are worth their value in drinks, face cards are multipliers (both a king and a queen would double the drinking) and spades are a pass. Aces count as one. -One player draws a card. If it is a number card, that player drinks the number of drinks on that card. -If a player draws a face card they drink nothing, though the next player’s drinks (assuming they draw a number card) are doubled. -If two face cards are drawn in a row, the person who pulls a number card would have their drinks tripled. Three face cards in a row? Quadruple the drinking. -Any spade drawn is a pass card. For example, if there is a face card to a player’s right and they draw a spade, it passes the multiplier on to the next player. The Game Ends When: The drunken mess next to you steals your heart.
thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage
At least eighty Celebrity you’d go gay for: Tom Brady Favorite song to play at the job: “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey at any time of the year Best thing about Short’s: Lack of creepy dudes and the ability to play as much OutKast as I want Worst thing about Short’s: Eating here constantly. If, of course, you consider being increasingly pleasant yet consistently stuffed and needing a nap a bad thing What would I find in your fridge right now: An empty Brita filter, Siracha, tortillas, and Bud Diesel What fictional character would you be: Brian Fantana from Anchorman Oldest women to hit on you: A 45-year-old buzz-cut lady Would you do a cougar?: Yes. Women are like wine Most annoying thing a customer can do: Complain about a lack of Skrillex Best tip & worst tip: $60 and $0.25 because leaving a quarter is worse than nothing
recipe for disaster:
Chocolate Lover’s Soup
Like any –holic, those with addictions simply cannot be stopped. A cheese addict? Get them a bowl of queso before they start fitting uncontrollably. A sex addict? Don’t let them near anything holey and moist. A chocolate addict? Well, I think we’ve just found their stash. What You’ll Need: 1 cup of fudge brownie mix, 1/4 cup milk, 1/2 cup of chocolate chips, 1/4 cup of peanut butter chips, graham crackers and whipped cream. Cook Time: 2-3 minutes. Fatty Factor: Hey, there’s some calcium! Healthy bones, y’all. Let’s Get Baked: - Mix together the fudge brownie mix with the milk until you get a pudding like consistency. - Stir in the chocolate and peanut butter chips gradually. - Stir in generous amounts of whipped cream to lighten it up. - Garnish with crushed graham crackers on top. Thank god you got your fix! If they say they aren’t addicted and can stop at any time, show them to prove it to you. Chances are, they will run away with the bowl… of chocolate.
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From 'da Streets “I lived with an odd creative writing major who had a thick metal book called “The Book of Secrets.” I decided to read it. It was a diary to a boy named Andy. Not only did it confess her love to him, but it talked all this shit about me and how I am a bitch. When I confronted her, the girl decided to cry and moved out. ” –Kayla Sanderson
“What is your most horrific roommate memory?” “My roommate told me that I was watching his television too much. He then insisted that I bring up my own television. We ended up having two TVs in our dorm room.” –Kyle Allen
“The first night my freshman roommate and this guy she knew from home go to the hospital to check something out. The next morning I go to breakfast and she isn’t back yet. When I get back she still has not returned from the hospital. I text her and then I get the whole story. She is 25 weeks pregnant and has been admitted into the hospital because she is also beginning to dilate.” –Maggie Younger
Madlib: Welcome back to campus! 1) fast food place 2) best friend 3) type of dog 4) body part 5) one of the senses 6) vegetable 7) minority group 8) type of car 9) action 10) number 11) sexual move 12) current crush 13) dance move 14) campus building 15) type of beer/booze 16) old roommate 17) campur bar 18) body part 19) last hookup 20) non-sexual body part 21) name of campus bus 22) friend 23) type of clothing 24) greek house 25) eating/drinking item 26) condiment 27) type of student
Wow, am I glad school is back in session! This summer I worked at ____1____ with ____2____ and it sucked ____3____ ____4____. Every day I had to ____5____ the ____6____, and then take the ____7____ still there from the night before and throw them in the ____8____ outside. Embarrassing. Anyways, enough about my ____9____ summer, time to focus on the future. I’m thinking I’ll go on a ____10____ day bender, during which I can finally ____11____ ____12____ and then ____13____ in the ____14____. We all know he/she deserves it. The one thing I won’t do is drink ____15____ with ____16____ again, last time that happened I ended up at ____17____ showing everyone my ____18____ and well, nobody was impressed. I really hope I run into ____19____ soon though. We left last semester all weird after we rubbed ____20____ on the ____21____ and ____22____ walked in on us. They asked why we weren’t wearing any ____23____ and we told them we had just seen some ____24____ and they took them. Somehow that worked, but come on now. So, raise your ____25____ to another great year starting up. Let’s hope we all manage to rub some ____26____ on some ____27____ this week!
Meet The Staff! campus manager Cori DePue
campus director Brendan Bonham
Advertising Manager Cody Fishwild Kelly Zahery
Founders Cori DePue, Cody Fishwild, Callie Dolohanty Brendan Bonham, Atish Doshi, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, and Jessica Sommers
editorial Manager Chloe marketing/PR Manager Callie Dolohanty Samanta Irie Writers Katie Lindeen Callie Dolohanty Cori DePue Jessie photographer Julie Vujnovich
Questions?
( class time )
Come Join the Team!
Find Us At... McBride Hall Pomerantz Center Chemistry Building Papajohn Building Phillips Hall Burge Currier/Stanley Daum Reinow Hillcrest Slater
Quad Mayflower Main Library Off Campus Old Capital Mall Summit Java House Capana Airliner Cheba Hut Brothers
Pita Pit Deadwood Studio 13 In-Zone Gilbert Street Piano Lounge Beat the Bookstore All Greek Houses Downtown Apts AND MORE!
Disclaimer
Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, info@theblacksheeponline.com Theand/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this Advertising? publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. ads@theblacksheeponline.com Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747
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An Ode to Tailgating It’s the most wonderful time of the year With the kids tailgate jumpin’ And Melrose a bumpin’, game time is near It’s the most wonderful time of the year It’s the hap-happiest season of all With those Iowa State beatings and new Husker meetings Where rivals will certainly fall It’s the hap- happiest season of all There’ll be parties for hosting Big Ass Turkey Legs roasting And balcony beer bongs for show There’ll be drunken stories And tales of the glories of Hawkeyes from long, long ago It’s the most wonderful time of the year There’ll be much cheap beer drinking And drunk tricks arm-linking When “sisters” are near It’s the most wonderful time of the year
There’ll be parties for hosting Big Ass Turkey Legs roasting And frat boys shot-gunning for hoes There’ll be hooking up stories And tales of morning glories from the bars a few nights ago It’s the most wonderful time of the year There’ll be much porta-potty line waiting And public urinating Hope those damn bike cops aren’t near It’s the most wonderful time of the year There’ll be parties for hosting Big Ass Turkey Legs roasting And frat boys shot-gunning for show There’ll be hooking up stories And tales of morning glories from the bars a few nights ago It’s the most wonderful time of the year There’ll be much ref call blowing And middle fingers showing Football season is HEREEEEEEE! It’s the most wonderful time of the year
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