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Volume 1, Issue 2 | 9/22/11 - 10/11/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
The Group Project Breakdown Callie wrote this
We’ve all been there. It’s that time of semester when the professor looks at you with pity as he assigns groups for an upcoming project. You naively hope that you end up paired with your friend who’s seated next to you, but that scenario never happens. No, you can’t actually enjoy a group project because then it just wouldn’t be a “real world experience.” Apparently out there in the “real world” you’re forced to work with the most incompetent, non-compatible people possible. It is inevitable that when your group is revealed you’re stuck with some jackass, and if you’re really lucky you’ll get two of them. So, let’s get stereotypical and give the breakdown of the typical people you have to deal with for at least two weeks each semester. The Know-it-All: Although little miss perfect in her argyle sweater seems sweet, she’s really a dictator of group opinion. Her ideas are always the best, and no one else can say anything without her correcting them. Her “helpful” emails, texts, calls, and Facebook messages will serve as a great reminder of why you’re never reproducing. Prepare to hear her voice in your dreams, because this bitch never stops talking. The College Alcoholic: When it comes time for the group to meet at 9AM because it was the only time everyone could get together, this guy shows up reeking of 5 O’clock vodka and cigarettes. You’ll find yourself wondering if he wakes up and drinks or is simply just sweating out last night’s party; but don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll regale you with tales of last night’s 4AM pukefest. The Extremely Old College Student: Yes, grandpa has decided he’s going to spend his golden years in class beside you. The old timer will really relate in those history classes when you talk about the “Roaring Twenties” because those were his good ole’ days. Make sure to control your language and stories around this old goat, or else you might get spanked for cursing like a sailor.
Other stuff
Inside
04: pregame tools
we wouldn’t want you to be unprepared, now would we?
The Exchange Student: At first you’re happy because you find yourself thinking all of these foreign exchange students are geniuses. Think again. Picture working with Long Duck Dong; if the language barrier isn’t enough to annoy the shit out of you, their inability to meet after 8PM because it’s “too late” will do it. The Slut: Well boys, all productivity has disappeared from your side of the room when she walks in. Her low-cut shirt is even distracting to the ladies as they gossip about whether her gigantic tits are real. She’s got the twins on full display, and as if them popping out of that top wasn’t enough, her black lace bra and see-through white shirt is causing the whole room to stare. Your only prayer for a good grade is if her offer of sexual favors to your professor was accepted, and he hasn’t discovered the STD she inevitably gave him. The Athlete: This guy acts like he just cured cancer, but he’s actually dumb as a rock. Perhaps it’s a result of one too many hard hits on the gridiron, but nonetheless, he’s a detriment to the academic team. Beware of making too many time commitments with this stud, because he’s so popular he just can’t seem to pencil you in until after the homework. But, he does tell you how to spell his name correctly so he gets his fair share of credit. GO TEAM!!! If you get saddled with any of these anchors on your group assignment start to stock up on Starbucks and Red Bull, because you won’t be sleeping until this Godforsaken project has ended. Prepare your roommates, parents, siblings, and anyone who is near you to hear your endless stream of bitching until the group assignment is complete. By the time it’s all over and done with you will be left wondering why you are even in school. Thankfully you can drink until you forget all about it.
05: how to spot a freshman
lanyards, and that glazed, newly drunk look in their eyes.
11: interview: kids these days Technically “barely legal adults” these days.