Iowa - 9/22/11 by The Black Sheep

Fre all e...lik you e t r o he ne- wa nig rdr ht ob st e fr and om s.

Volume 1, Issue 2 | 9/22/11 - 10/11/11 | theblacksheeponline.com

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“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

The Group Project Breakdown Callie wrote this

We’ve all been there. It’s that time of semester when the professor looks at you with pity as he assigns groups for an upcoming project. You naively hope that you end up paired with your friend who’s seated next to you, but that scenario never happens. No, you can’t actually enjoy a group project because then it just wouldn’t be a “real world experience.” Apparently out there in the “real world” you’re forced to work with the most incompetent, non-compatible people possible. It is inevitable that when your group is revealed you’re stuck with some jackass, and if you’re really lucky you’ll get two of them. So, let’s get stereotypical and give the breakdown of the typical people you have to deal with for at least two weeks each semester. The Know-it-All: Although little miss perfect in her argyle sweater seems sweet, she’s really a dictator of group opinion. Her ideas are always the best, and no one else can say anything without her correcting them. Her “helpful” emails, texts, calls, and Facebook messages will serve as a great reminder of why you’re never reproducing. Prepare to hear her voice in your dreams, because this bitch never stops talking. The College Alcoholic: When it comes time for the group to meet at 9AM because it was the only time everyone could get together, this guy shows up reeking of 5 O’clock vodka and cigarettes. You’ll find yourself wondering if he wakes up and drinks or is simply just sweating out last night’s party; but don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll regale you with tales of last night’s 4AM pukefest. The Extremely Old College Student: Yes, grandpa has decided he’s going to spend his golden years in class beside you. The old timer will really relate in those history classes when you talk about the “Roaring Twenties” because those were his good ole’ days. Make sure to control your language and stories around this old goat, or else you might get spanked for cursing like a sailor.

Other stuff

Inside

04: pregame tools

we wouldn’t want you to be unprepared, now would we?

The Exchange Student: At first you’re happy because you find yourself thinking all of these foreign exchange students are geniuses. Think again. Picture working with Long Duck Dong; if the language barrier isn’t enough to annoy the shit out of you, their inability to meet after 8PM because it’s “too late” will do it. The Slut: Well boys, all productivity has disappeared from your side of the room when she walks in. Her low-cut shirt is even distracting to the ladies as they gossip about whether her gigantic tits are real. She’s got the twins on full display, and as if them popping out of that top wasn’t enough, her black lace bra and see-through white shirt is causing the whole room to stare. Your only prayer for a good grade is if her offer of sexual favors to your professor was accepted, and he hasn’t discovered the STD she inevitably gave him. The Athlete: This guy acts like he just cured cancer, but he’s actually dumb as a rock. Perhaps it’s a result of one too many hard hits on the gridiron, but nonetheless, he’s a detriment to the academic team. Beware of making too many time commitments with this stud, because he’s so popular he just can’t seem to pencil you in until after the homework. But, he does tell you how to spell his name correctly so he gets his fair share of credit. GO TEAM!!! If you get saddled with any of these anchors on your group assignment start to stock up on Starbucks and Red Bull, because you won’t be sleeping until this Godforsaken project has ended. Prepare your roommates, parents, siblings, and anyone who is near you to hear your endless stream of bitching until the group assignment is complete. By the time it’s all over and done with you will be left wondering why you are even in school. Thankfully you can drink until you forget all about it.

05: how to spot a freshman

lanyards, and that glazed, newly drunk look in their eyes.

11: interview: kids these days Technically “barely legal adults” these days.

Table of

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Top Ten: Places to Hook-Up on Campus It’s time to start your bucket list, friends

Party Pics + Shoutouts Did you make the cut? Only one way to find out.

Worst Jobs on Campus How to Be Less Annoying Who says waltzing around in Stop crying and start worka chicken suit is bad? ing out, for starters.

12 The

Page 5

Fall TV Guide Bartender of the Month Since you clearly have no Mike Fanelli of Brothers, also idea, we tell you what sucks known as Justin Timberlake. and what doesn’t.

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join the team! Think you belong on our elite staff? Can you make a good penis joke while taking down a beer bong? Are you good looking enough to hook up with an 8 or two 4's in any given night? Well hot damn, we might be looking for you. Hit us up at iowa@theblacksheeponline.com and let us know what you'd want to do (even if your life goal is to hang out with Cori, we might consider you).

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Best pregame tools In a rush? Need to get a few in out before you head out? Here is a list of the most efficient pre-game tools to get the job done, and done right! The Shotbong: A personal favorite, and no one can deny its efficiency. The shotbong is basically a downsized beer bong. The tube holds a shot and the top funnel is built to hold the chaser of your choosing. Then you just lift and enjoy, as the shot is, for lack of a better word, shot directly down your throat. It may sound disgusting, but I’d argue that this instrument has a 100% success rate when executed correctly. The Chuggler: I’m not sure if there ever was a more American drinking device. I’d go as far as to say this is the best beer-chugging instrument ever invented. It caters to all types of college students. It’s a mug, so those who’d rather sip and really savor their Keystone Light can do so in peace. Then, for the rest of us who’d rather skip the agony and just get shitfaced, you can unplug the tube from the bottom and take the mug as a beer bong in an estimated 6 seconds. Efficiency at its finest. The Haircut: This is essentially a shotbong sans the actual device. It’s worth mentioning solely because well, they’re hilarious and should be performed at every single pregame. Instruct one of your shy friends to sit on a stool. Then pick a generous, Johnny Knoxville, bad-influence type friend. Put them in charge of the vodka bottle. Next, pick a frugal friend and put them in charge of the chaser. The shy friend leans their head back (as if you were getting your hair washed at

jessie wrote this the salon), and the frugal friend pours a little chaser. Then the generous friend pours essentially as much vodka as the shy friend’s mouth can hold. The frugal friend then pours a miniscule amount of chaser. The shy friend then swallows the entire concoction and sits back up while simultaneously begging for another trim. The Dizzy Bat: Who doesn’t love making an ass of themselves in front of the entire pre-game? All you frat daddys, dizzy bat was made for you! Simply cut the top off a plastic Whiffleball bat then pour a beer into the bat. Recruit a mass of onlookers who you trust to count while you chug. If they’re even remotely good friends, they’ll opt to count by twos. You then spin around the bat for as many seconds as it took you to chug the beer. This twirl almost always leads to graceful face plants and broken bones. If you miraculously survive your 15 twirls, an audience member then pitches you the empty Busch and watches you drunkenly whiff at the flying can. So, realistically if you didn’t face plant after your spins you’ll face plant now. Talk about a guaranteed good time.

exterior adds an element of surprise that’s never before been exploited, which is possibly its most intriguing factor. So instead of buying one beer bong for 25 bucks, go immediately to the dollar store and pick up 25 pool noodles. Why stand and chug one at a time when you can give each person at the pregame their own noodle and have party-wide races? Imagine the possibilities.

The Noodle Bong: The noodle bong is a poor college student’s new best friend. This is just what it sounds like — a beer bong made out of a pool noodle. The pool noodle’s dark

Playing dress-up is always a fun time, but you’re not just putting on a miniskirt or a collared shirt, it’s about accessorizing. Drinking is no different, jazz up, bitches!

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How to: Spot a freshman

Places to Hook-up on Campus

cori wrote this Walking through the same college campus, filled with a plethora of new (dolled-up) faces, I couldn’t help but be reminded of my first few days on campus. Though I wasn’t all gussied up, I definitely could be caught trying to act nonchalant as I frantically searched for my classes. And I’m quite sure I was one of the first few picked out in a game of “Spot the Freshman” played by the bored, veteran upperclassmen. When I look at the freshmen, as much as I do admire their innocent, eager expressions, I can’t help but shudder wondering if I behaved the same way. Freshmen simply stick out like sore thumbs among the college fabric, their idiosyncrasies and distinct freshness illuminating especially in the first few days, before they are thoroughly seasoned. After much personal observation, one is highly likely to be a first-year if they are engaging in the following actions/behaviors: Lanyard, Lanyard, Lanyard: If you know what’s good for you, you’ll sport this bad boy like ice ‘round your neck. Excessive Greek Pride: You, young lady, clearly joined the Kappa Epsilon Gamma house! How did I know? Well, I’m pretty sure your brand new tote bag, crew neck sweatshirt, customized iPhone cover, tank top, cheap sunglasses, way-too-tight yoga pants, the “KEG <3’s YOU!” poster taped to your Mayflower door gave it away. The 20 foot billboard, and... oh wait, that last one was wrong. It just seemed logical.

10) The Communal Shower: If you’re one of the lucky few that have a bathroom attached to your dorm room, this sudsy experience doesn’t count. Sneak over to Burge or another floor and borrow one of the communal showers. But remember, shower shoes are no joke. 9) The Neighbor’s Dorm: There will be at least one dorm that is always unlocked. The girls that always come back too hammered and without their keys will eventually stop locking their door when they go out. Borrow their room for a few minutes when most of your hall is MIA at FAC.

dress. Watch out Union, this chick’s bagina gon’ be all over that dance floor. On Facebook: “Oh, the college life <3” “GETTING SHITTY IN IOWA CITY!” “I hate college, but love all the PARTIES!” will be the titles of their first, second, and third FB albums as a youthful collegian. Not only will they upload plenty of frat-tastic pictures with total hotties smooching them on the cheek, but they’ll also update their status often with things like “I lost my dignity. Text me if you find it hehe” or “ummm, so last night was a shit show!”. After all, they’ve got to prove to how much harder Hawkeyes party (duh, #4 party school in the nation!) than those lame-ass universities their friends from back home attend.

“That $10 box of Franzia you just bonged will be sent plummeting toward the carpet, and under no circumstance Paper Bracelet: Hey, hey, hey will you be allowed back.” look at that fancy accessory!

Over-Confident Partier: Freshman year, man! No parents, no rules, no repercussions... until you’re kneeled over the toilet at 9PM, reintroducing yourself to breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I get that you want to have a beer, and I’m not trying to stop you, but good God. No Earth-dwelling creature could stomach 5 shots of Everclear and a 30 second keg-stand... at the pre-game. Unless you wanna get comfy at the UI hospitals, I’d suggest you chill out. Not only is this type of drinking a wee bit dangerous, it’s socially detrimental. That $10 box of Franzia you just bonged will be sent plummeting toward the carpet, and under no circumstance will you be allowed back. Unnecessary Preparation: Well look at you, little lady. What’s the occasion? Let me tell you girlfriend, a key difference between college and high school, is you rarely see the same person twice. And if you do, they probably won’t remember you. So, that extra hour you spend every morning bedazzling your hair, vajazzling your vajayjay and applying a full face of makeup? Save it for the weekends, sister. This type of GlamourGirl4Lyfe is also the one you spot walking downtown in 4-inch heels tugging down the shirt she is wearing as a

Let me guess, you’re soooo well connected you paid $10 cover at a local underage bar? But wait. I’m pretty sure that one was from “dollar you call it” at Summit last week... and it’s Friday. Alright, bask in your glory. Just please understand it’s about as cool as that “Valley HS Varsity Football” sweatshirt of yours. And that extremely loud conversation about how you got “totally hamboned” and “grinded all over that honey” last night is not only obnoxious, but quite transparent. Traveling in Packs: Heading to Burge Dining? Going to F.A.C.? Taking a piss? Grab your friends! And if you’re bringing one, you might as well bring all of them. Because nothing says “freshman” quite like some good ol’ group insecurity and the fear of being seen alone. So, here you have it boys and girls. It’s not that us upperclassmen don’t like you fresh little turds. No no, it’s not like high school. We’re just incredibly jealous of your youth and that your four years have just begun, and the rest of us are crusty, old balls now. But, we can’t help but chuckle at that trick who tried to pull off a shirt as a dress.

8) The Study Lounge: Throw a chair in front of the door and you shouldn’t be bothered. And if that doesn’t work, just ask the intruder to join in. If they do, you can check another thing off your bucket list, and if they run out of the room, at least you got rid of them. 7) The Laundry Room: One word: vibration. You might as well have some fun while you’re waiting for your delicates to finish. Plus, I’m 90% positive they don’t have cameras downstairs. The later at night the better, not many people feel the need to do laundry at the prime of their drunkenness. 6) The Library: Take a quick study break and borrow a book shelf on the fourth floor of the main library. Atonement, ladies? Your fella may not look as good as James McAvoy, but you can still try out his idea of a study break. Just make sure you can keep quiet. There are quite a few graduate students on this floor who don’t even have time for a quickie. Try not to torture the poor sexually frustrated bastards. 5) Hubbard Park: This park has hosted many attractions: concerts, the annual poster sale, the occasional Frisbee or football game, and now you. Find a tree to hide behind, park your car on the grass, or be bold and lay a blanket down and hope you don’t have a squad car for your audience. 4) Kinnick: Let’s be honest, Nile Kinnick wouldn’t be offended. He would be proud. He was a Hawkeye after all. The next time you end up in the stadium jail for public intoxication to make the best of the situation. What are they going to do, arrest you again? 3) The Kum & Go: One of Iowa City’s most well-known locations is the Kum & Go. They Based on the name, they’re asking for it. It isn’t exactly sanitary, but if you are careful and quick you could say you had hit all of Iowa City’s landmarks. Well that is if you manage Number 1 and 2 also… 2) The Playground: We pass by it drunk, we play on it drunk, and we fall over it drunk; we should probably use it for this as well. The public playground on the ped-mall is another landmark that every Hawkeye gets to know very well—might as well take that relationship to the next level already. A slide is just as comfortable as a bed, right? 1) The Old Capital: You’ve to make your mark on campus somehow. Be remembered for something great: the couple who got caught bare-assed on the Old Cap steps.

katie lindeen wrote this

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SHOUT OUTS!

Fellow Housemate, Stop banging on my wall while you're doing it; I'm trying to sleep. Love, Room #3 Amanda, next time you decide to have a party and charge us for cups, try to make sure the keg isn't the one you left on your balcony all summer. Thanks - Girls in 704 Hey Zach, if you find a condom wrapper in your bed, that's because I banged my booty call on your bed. That should teach you to stop borrowing my scissors without asking first. Jackass. Dear kid that pissed his pants, passed out on our porch, then went inside and sat on our couch.... you owe us a new couch. Sincerely, 432. A.K.A the house that still smells like piss Dear Roommate, Your boobs sag... please invest in a better bra! A not so loving roommate. Adam A., stop being such a girl all the time! Sincerely, your best friend. To the girl who let me climb up your balcony to pet your bunny, next time make me leave through your front door my ass still hurts from thinking i could jump off your balcony and land on my feet -Bust Dear Mike, apologies for puking in your fratstar room. And not realizing it til noon the next day. Sooo when's the second date? -Christine Dear Brody, Sorry about that Asian puking on your laptop and cockblocking you all night. Love, 359 and 360 SEND INYOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

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The worst jobs on campus

Unless you’re a trust fund baby, you’re going to have to try to make a buck on this campus, and it’s not always easy. Sometimes you gotta just sack up and eat some shit to be able to drink some beer. The Chicken Suit: We’ve all seen this raggedy, homelesslooking chicken peddling his “$2 off” Graze coupons around campus. Although I’m sure we all appreciate the coupons, we certainly don’t have any respect for the poor student trapped inside that stifling suit. He certainly isn’t picking up any ladies by telling them he spends his days wearing a felt beak. Aside from the fact he’s in a chicken suit on a college campus, the job hours seem to conveniently fall right in the middle of the day, when it’s 200 degrees with no wind. The only upside to his the sweltering hot mid-day hours is his being spared from the ridicule of drunken students. His lifespan, unlike his social life, is much better in the light of day.

Weekend Shift Cambus Driver: Although the thought of sitting in a chair doing nothing but listening to music and cruising through campus sounds amusing, the weekend shift sheds a whole new light on the occupation of a “Cambus Driver.” Imagine toting around hundreds of moronic, blacked-out freshman who have yet to learn how to hold their alcohol, and you’ll begin to sympathize for the poor soul behind the wheel. Sure, they probably thought it was fun on their first few shifts; singing along to the Lion King soundtrack or jamming to “Party Rock Anthem” like they were working a rave rather than a Cambus. However, once the projectile vomiting begins, there’s no going back. They’ve seen their job through new eyes and now they’re a whole new kind of driver. They transform into “that Cambus driver” everyone bitched about freshman year. The one who screams “move back” until you and your roommate, who are feeling tipsy from your first pull on the Hawkeye vodka bottle, are stuck touching the only sober people on the bus besides the driver. Sober drivers and drunken passengers can never be friends when there’s vomit involved. Telefund: Rejection is second nature for those students who take the job at Iowa Telefund. Well, that and stalking. I couldn’t imagine what life would be like to be the most hated brand of human in the entire world: telemarketers. Once an alum reads “University of Iowa” on the caller ID, you have successfully sent them into a rant about how greedy Iowa is and a “back in my day tuition was enough” story will most certainly be shared. If you are lucky enough to get a human being instead of an answering machine, you are met with some major hostility or a lie about “Bob dying in a freak trampoline accident last year”. Congratulations, asshole. You’ve success-

jessie & Callie wrote this

fully become that person that entire families love to hate. Dining Hall Slave: I personally can’t think of a better way to make friends, or dare I suggest, attract a member of the opposite sex. The sight alone of a girl standing behind the fryer, her hair provocatively shoved in a hairnet, and her apron coated in grease, is enough to win any sensible man’s heart. After hours of making sloppy joes extra sloppy for us, your face coated with a sheen of sweat, and your apron grotesquely coated in meat chunks, you’re ready to greet all of the people who live near you! You better have a winning personality if you want to actually have any sort of social life outside of being the cafeteria slave. The Door Guy: I feel as though this job is very falsely glamorized. I mean, I know I personally love having the power to deny people from having fun, but I don’t see everyone else enjoying this gesture as much as me. Then when you factor in the loads upon loads of bullshit you’ll get to hear on any given Saturday night from the blacked-out cheap asses who can’t afford the lofty five-buck cover, suddenly that power trip doesn’t seem so worthwhile anymore. Although the big tits you see, oh did I say tits? Of course I meant tips. No girl would stoop to prostitution to avoid cover, not even in Iowa City, the center of morals. Ugh, that was depressing. Just thinking about lifting a finger on Friday instead of sleeping until noon is really stressing me out. If you need me, I’ll be getting a mani/pedi, I’m not tipping either. Do your job, lady.

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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

Ride into Fall with FAC! WIN a Bike & MORE! Friday F.A.C. (Friday after Class) 3-8pm $3 U-call-it’s $3 Keystone Light & Busch Light $3 Brothers burger baskets $3 lb. of wings

WEDNESDAY $1 PBR Cans (8PM - 12AM)

$2 Domestics $4 Bombs Live Pianist No Cover (4PM - 2AM)

SUNDAY: Free Pizza at 10! Drag Show at 10:30 $2 You Call It $3 Bombs $3 Martinis

THURS

“Mug Club” $5 Mugs with $1 Refills $2 Domestic Pints, $2 Calls $2.50 Jack Daniels & SoCo Drinks

$3 Import Bottles (9PM - Close)

1/2 Price Wine & Martinis Live Pianist | No Cover (4PM - 2AM)

$2 Wells, Shots, Domestics $3 Calls & Imports No Cover!

$1 Cherry & Grape Bombs $2 Jäger & O Bombs $3 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $3.75 long islands $4 Premium long islands $4.50 Three Olives & RedBull

$2.50 Leinie Pints (9PM - Close)

$2 Domestics $4 Bombs Live Pianist No Cover (4PM - 2AM)

Drag Show at 10:30! DJ Nate Dance Party $2 Domestics $2.50 UV Vodka Drinks

$1 Cherry & Grape Bombs $2 Jäger & O Bombs $3 Bacardi mixers $3.75 long islands $4 Premium long islands $9 Bud Light towers (Open-9p)

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SUN

Open at 7pm $2 Well Mixers $5 Bud Light Pitchers $9 Bud Light Beer Towers $8 Microbrew & Import Pitchers

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Closed

Free Pizza at 10! Drag Show at 10:30 $2 You Call It $3 Bombs $3 Martinis

MON

Monday “1-2-3” $1 Wells, $2 Bud Light pints $3 Shots $2 Killian’s Pints (til 10/4) $5 Killian’s Pitchers (til 10/4) $9 Bud Light Towers

$3 Import Pints (9PM - Close)

$3 Three Olives Vodka Drinks No Cover (4PM - 2AM)

Closed

TUES

Taco Tuesday ($3 AUC2E @ 8PM) $1 Well Mixers, $2 Dos Equis pints $3 Tequila sunrise $3 Margaritas, $4 Patron shots $1.75 Killian’s Pints (til 10/4) $5 Killian’s Pitchers (til 10/4)

$2 16oz Tall Boys (9PM - 1AM)

1/2 Price Wine & Martinis No Cover (4PM - 2AM)

Karaoke $3 Wells & Domestics No Cover

WED

15¢ Wings & 25¢ Boneless $1.25 Miller High Life Bottles $2 Bacardi Drinks $2 Domestic Pints $2.50 long islands, $1 Wells & Bombs (midnight-close)

$1 PBR Cans (8PM - 12AM)

$2 Domestics $2 Wells No Cover (4PM - 2AM)

Open Stage w/ Sasha Belle $2 Wells & Pucker Shots No Cover

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How to be: lEsS aNnOyInG after a break-up! katie lindeen wrote this Even though you promised yourself you wouldn’t spend another night alone with Ben & Jerry and Cosmo, you failed again. You couldn’t fight the urge to call up your ex again and ask him why he dumped you again. When he reminded you that you broke up six months ago, the tears and chocolate binge commenced. I think it is time for some serious tough love. Your friends probably assure you that he will come back or encourage you to move on because you’re too good for him anyway. Well, the truth is you’re just annoying. Stop whining about the fucking breakup and go out and find a new guy—preferably before your friends dump you for being too annoying. Step one: stop crying. If you think it is healthy to “let out your emotions,” you are wrong. You’ve let out your feelings plenty. It is about time for you to let go of that crap and find a new hobby. Take up kick-boxing; anger is far less obnoxious than tears. Take up drinking; just make sure not to become a weepy drunk. As long as you stop crying all the damn time, that’s progress. Step two: get in shape. If you have been crying over the same breakup for six months, chances are you have let yourself go. I am not trying to imply you are some kind of whale sized, ice-cream eating, sack of lard, but I am saying you need to get out more. There is sunshine outside your depression-filled, dimly lit room and it would do you some good to go run around in it. Step three: get a life. After learning how to use your legs again in step two, you should probably go somewhere. If you are lucky enough to still have friends, go out with them on the weekends. Go drink some cranberry vodkas after your kick-boxing class and try to make more friends. It may seem like an impossible task: to be social without your long lost partner at your side. But honestly, honey, it’s annoying as fuck

to hold your socially awkward hand at parties. Step four: rebound. I would bet my dog’s life that your ex has already rebounded with at least 15 girls and I bet half of them were hotter than you. You do not want to wait around for that guy to come back with a new array of STDs—especially considering he is never coming back. You will just end up sexually frustrated and alone. Find a hot guy, or even a not totally repulsive guy, to bring home next time you are out. Step five: actually move on. I beg of you to not move on to the “not completely repulsive guy” I just mentioned. By moving on, I mean to stop feeling guilty about the rebound hookups. I promise you your ex doesn’t think twice about his most recent conquer. Do whatever your little heart desires and do not review your actions in the morning. Quit making stupid excuses not to go out with new guys. Just because he has the “wrong hair color” that does not mean you should not get a drink with him (but keep in mind, ginger’s really do not have souls). And for the love of God, do not go back to spending your nights in your dark bedroom alone.

TOP TEN

Reasons to Drink at The Deadwood

1. We are not an Irish bar. 2. You can make a memory in our photo booth. 3. The Deadwood recycles vigorously. Check our competitors dumpsters. 4. Women do the same work as men at The Deadwood. The person checking IDs at the door is just as likely to be a woman as a man. 5. Angry Hour: 4:00 - 6:30pm.

6. The Deadwood women’s whiskey drinking team might be practicing. 7. Sally’s award winning chili is “free” with purchase before home football games. 8. Illinois residents are welcome and appreciated. 9. Sassiest waitress in the Big 10. 10. Pub quiz on Tuesdays.

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Why (and Why not) to Tune in This Fall

Fall TV season is right around the corner, which means a horde of new shows to further amplify America’s obesity issues. We look at 6 new shows and their potential fates. Will they be one-and-done like your mom was last night or will they stick around forever, pleasing our every whim, like your sister? Only time will tell! By: Atish & Brendan

Title: Apartment 23 Starring: Dreama Walker, Krysten Ritter James Van Der Beek Date/Time/Channel: Midseason on ABC Why You Should Watch It: From his cameos in How I Met Your Mother, Franklin and Bash, and even a Ke$ha video, James Van Der Beek doesn’t disappoint. The plot of the show is completely irrelevant (although admittedly awful) since you’ll be focused on Dawson Leary from episode one. Why You Shouldn’t: This show is shaping up to land into the fat middle of television—a show that’s not bad enough to turn off, but not good enough to DVR. Just be wary of falling into Van Der Beek’s head’s gravitation pull, you’ll never escape.

Title: Person of Interest Starring: Jim Caviezel, Michael Emerson Date/Time/Channel: Thursday, 9EST/8CST, CBS Why You Should Watch It: With J.J. Abrams executive producing and one of the Lost actors in the show, it’s going to be both awesome and compelling. If he could turn Felicity and Alias into mustsees, then this one should be just fine. Why You Shouldn’t: The hater in us can begrudgingly admit Person of Interest looks, well, interesting. Still, the overarching plot-- a billionaire who recruits a presumed-dead CIA agent to catch violent criminals in New York City—is too far-fetched and not properly defined for our taste.

Title: Terra Nova Starring: Jason O’Mara, Stephen Lang, Shelly Conn Date/Time/Channel: Monday, 8EST/7CST, Fox Why You Should Watch It: It’s like Jurassic Park meets Lost (those episodes centered around the first settlers) mixed with Stargate and some show that has people having sex a lot because they are scared. Winner. Why You Shouldn’t: Terra Nova, with its dystopian future and dinosaurs from millions of years ago is shaping up to be like nacho cheese and lime Jell-o, two awesome individual things that, when mixed together, produce less-than-optimum results.

Title: Playboy Club Starring: Amber Heard, Jenna Dewan-Tatum, Eddie Cibrian Date/Time/Channel: Monday, 10EST/9CST, NBC Why You Should Watch It: Any show they are boycotting in Salt Lake City and pretty much the entire state of Utah is worth watching. Sure they won’t show you any boobs since it’s on NBC, but after it gets cancelled and picked up as a Direct-TV only show with full nudity, you’re going to wish you were watching from the start. Why You Shouldn’t: This period drama is a pretty obvious Mad Men knockoff, attempting to capture the cool of 1960s casual misogyny. Except it’s on network TV, so all the sexy bits will be toned down. And if Amber Heard isn’t naked, then what’s the point?

Title: How to Be a Gentleman Starring: David Hornsby, Kevin Dillon Date/Time/Channel: Thursday, 8:30EST/7:30CST, CBS Why You Should Watch It: Sure the show is going to suck, but we know it will make one hell of a drinking game. Anytime Kevin Dillion tries to be serious, take a shot. Anytime your little brother can reenact a scene as Kevin Dillon perfectly, take a shot. You get the idea. Why You Shouldn’t: People, when are we going to stop pretending that Kevin Dillon is great at acting like a mongoloid and just accept the fact that he lucked into the one career when he can succeed despite being an actual mongoloid?

Title: Last Man Standing Starring: Tim Allen, Nancy Travis Date/Time/Channel: Tuesday, 8EST/&CST, ABC Why You Should Watch It: This has to be Tim Allen’s ultimate comeback. I mean, it can’t be any worse than the Santa Clause movies, Joe Somebody, Christmas with the Kranks, The Shaggy Dog, or Wild Hogs…right? Why You Shouldn’t: Last Man Standing is a network sitcom about a guy (Allen) asserting his manhood in a world dominated by women. So basically it’s one doofus dude that wants to do guy things, but his levelheaded wife and sassy teenage daughters won’t let him. Unless this is some sort of meta-satire of the whole sitcom genre (Note: It is not) then how exactly is this different from According to Jim?

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Kids These Days

the interview

Kids These Days are a bunch of rapscallions from the fine city of Chicago that just so happen to be in a band. Their eclectic style, a mix of soul, hip-hop, jam and funk, made us want to talk to them. Macie, the lady lead, obliged.

The Black Sheep: So I know the band is all relatively young, but how old are you? Macie Stewart: I’m 18. TBS: And how old is the oldest person in the band? Macie: I think 19? TBS: That makes me sad. When and how did you guys start getting together? Macie: Well, a few of us went to high school together, and some of us—not me, unfortunately-- went to the Merit School of Music and enjoyed playing music together, so they decided to start a band. They brought in me and [rapper] Vic, because we had all gone to school together. The band started there. TBS: How does a band so young write songs that evoke emotion, when, frankly, you’re lacking a lot of the life experiences your peers have? Macie: Personally, I write ambiguous lyrics drawn from my own experiences, while Vic writes his stuff based on his life, but also what he’s seen living in the city of Chicago. TBS: What have you been a part of that helped you define your vision as a musician? Macie: My mother is a musician and she—in large part—inspired me to write music. She’s good and it inspired me to write my own kind of music. Other artists like Fiona Apple and Metric inspire me to write my own lyrics instead of singing someone else’s. TBS: And with such a large band how do artistic contributions work? Like, how do you guys go about birthing a song? Macie: Sometimes someone will bring in an idea, and we’ll all build off that idea, whether it’s adding horns or a piano part. It’s really organic how we write our music, it’s not like we’re just sitting around saying, “let’s write a song!” TBS: How would you describe your band in 5 words or less. Macie: We have our own sound.

CD REVIEW

Out Now

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah

Hysterical

C-

Far from wanting to clap your hands or say yeah. A lot can happen in four years, we all know that. Your senior self shivers at the sight of a photo from cool freshman year - peace sign in one hand, a half-empty fifth in the other, and way, way too much barely-legal cleavage. Some of us getter better with time while some unfortunately get worse, usually the ones who made a splash in their freshman dorms but four years later they’re far from graduating and already regaling their glory days from college. Ah, trag. Indie rockers and Brooklyn natives Clap Your Hands Say Yeah haven’t released an album in four years, and that wasn’t even they’re debut eponymous album that put them on the map. That 2005 self-released album got a 9.0 from Pitchfork, a “50 Most Important Recordings of the Decade” accolade from NPR, and countless other favorable reviews and awesome singles, but it’s been all downhill for the guys since. It seems as though these guys lost their enthusiasm – less screeching and excitement then years ago with more toned-down beats and lyrics, which is not what appealed listeners to CYHSY in the first place. Sure, bands changing their sound isn’t always a bad thing, but no matter how it turns out it’s always going to be a gamble. Though Hysterical isn’t exactly terrible, it just isn’t anything special. Alec Ounsworth’s unique vocals in the opening song “Same Mistake” screech of making the same mistake, as if he is even questioning the success of this al-

bum. The album chugs along to poppy guitar and keyboards but fails to stand out. It’s easy to listen to this album and feel okay about it, but you’d hardly notice that it even ended. “Siesta (for Snake)” is the best on the album, as the slow, passionate singing has the most substance of all the songs on Hysterical. “Maniac” is one of the singles from the album, and so listlessly sounds like the rest that at least it keeps you on edge for something exciting to happen, but then you’re not even disappointed when nothing exciting comes of it. Even the lyrics are pessimistic: “I miss the way you stare at me as if I was a memory.” You can always wonder why a band with as much potential as these guys have failed to keep up to their own hype. Maybe they got too wrapped up in their initial success and have felt self-conscious ever since, or maybe getting pseudo-signed has gone to their heads, or maybe it was just dumb beginner’s luck. All I know is that if CYHSY want to get back to the glory of their freshman year it’s going to take a hell of a lot more of a makeover then just hitting the gym five days a week. Sounds Like: The end of a lame party. Download: Siesta (for Snake) Listen to it When: You need some decent background music.

TBS: Not bad. Macie: It’s hard to describe, we all have different influences, and we bring them together to create something new. TBS: Do you ever worry that the eclectic sound you have will come off as unfocused? Macie: No, we play what we like and we play what we think sounds good. If someone thinks we’re unfocused, fuck ‘em. What we do, we do out of love. TBS: How would you describe a live show to someone who hasn’t seen you before? Macie: Crazy, lots of energy, fun and a lot of music. A party at the venue and a party on stage. Shows are the most fun part of this thing, I think. TBS: What’s the most fun show you’ve ever played? Macie: We played the Bele Chere festival in Ashville, North Carolina and it was the most fun I’ve had on stage. The crowd was just great and we were really feeling it. TBS: Do you guys hang out off-stage, or is it more of a “we’re done here, let’s all go our separate ways” kind of thing? Macie: We hang out after rehearsal, because practice is for practicing, and we like each other. TBS: Are you guys prevented from doing certain things because of your youth? Macie: I don’t think it prevents stuff, but sometimes we’ll play a 21+ venue and they’ll treat us like kids, writing huge “X”s on our hands or they won’t let us into the venue because we don’t have a 21+ ID. Shit happens, but there’s been nothing that has, like, totally held us back. TBS: If you could collaborate with any living artist, who would it be? Macie: Stevie Wonder. TBS: Favorite childhood movie? Macie: Mulan.

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Bartender of the Month Mike Fanelli Brothers Relationship status: There may be a few, let’s hope they don’t see this. Major: Journalism, victory lap in business Favorite Drink: Root Beer Float - Vanilla Dr. McGillicuddy’s, root beer, and creamer Favorite shot: Tootsie Roll - Three Olives Cherry, Three Olives Grape, cranberry juice and orange juice. Least favorite shot to make (while working): Lemon Drop, it’s a huge pain in the ass because you have to put sugar on all the rims. What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face? Snookie… didn’t someone beat me to that already? What’s the funniest thing you’ve seen on the job? Football season 2 years ago, there was a guy boning a girl from behind at the back bar. I’m talking dick through the fly and skirt pulled up and thong pulled down at the back bar. I responded, “Dude you can’t do that here... you should probably take her home now”…yeah, it was weird. If you could have any superpower, what would it be? To be Justin Timberlake. Boxers, briefs or freeballing? It’s still technically summer time, which means no socks and absolutely no underwear.

drinking game:

Electricity

Biggest pet peeve (in regards to drunk bar patrons)? When people ask me to make them four shots, so I make them and hand them over. Then they ask, “OH WAIT! One more.” Drunk food of choice? I get free Marco’s grilled cheese so that works. Thanks Mark! Guilty pleasure song(s) on your ipod? The entire Taylor Swift Fearless CD…. you think I’m joking. I know every word. Would you rather bang Miley Cirus or Selena Gomez? Is Selena even 18 yet?...Both A year without your cell phone or year without sex? Umm I’ve already done two months without a cell phone, and I had more sex in that two months then I’ve ever had during any period of my life. Most fun time while working at bar? After Iowa scores during a football game and we blast the fight song and everyone goes crazy. Favorite song of all time? “Semi Charmed Life” -Third Eye Blind If you had one last meal before you died, what would it be? Gene and Jude’s double dog everything, fries on top. And an ice cold 312.

recipe for disaster:

7 -Layer

Sundae

Unlike having chemistry, having electricity with someone could be dangerous. But having electricity is pretty much necessary, as is drinking booze.

A sundae is delicious and you never want it to end. This one will end eventually, but not before the button on your jeans snaps off.

What You Need: Cards and alcohol. Number of Players: Three or more. Intoxication Level: Like 300,000 volts of booze running through your body.

What You’ll Need: Pie crust, pre-made cookie dough, hot fudge, Oreos, ice cream, whip cream, maraschino cherries. Cook Time: About 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: It starts with a pie crust and ends with colored bits of sugar. You think a fatty wouldn’t eat this?

How to Play: - Deal out the entire deck to everyone playing, and don’t look at the cards. - All players flip a card at the same time. Since it’s electricity, you are only concerned with your neighbor’s cards (the cards that are touching). For example, with 3 players all cards would be touching and with 4 players only the people to the left and right count. - Everyone flips over a card. If you match suit or card type with your neighbor, drink what the card says (face cards are 10). - If you match one neighbor with suit and the other with type, then double the total of both cards. Do not double if you match only suit or type on both sides; just add up both cards. The Game Ends When: You’ve gone through the whole deck, and you’re going to electrocute yourself any minute now.

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Let’s Get Baked: - Get the pie crust out of its container. Place enough pre-made cookie dough to cover the bottom of the pie crust. Keep in mind that it’ll expand, just like your ass. - Stick that puppy in the microwave for 15-45 seconds, depending on how you like your cookies. If you like the soft, still slightly raw texture, 20 seconds should do. Be sure to not cook it too long or the edges of the cookie will get crunchy and weird. - Warm up the hot fudge and apply a layer onto the cookie. - Place entire Oreos as a layer onto the hot fudge. - Top the Oreos with a few scoops of ice cream. - Finish it off with generous scoops of whip cream and maraschino cherries. Of course, this sundae could easily become a 2-layer sundae (simply pie crust and Oreos!) or a 10-layer sundae, adding on top sprinkles, chopped chocolate covered peanuts, various candy pieces, and your clogged arteries. Stick this treat in the freezer for some extra deliciousness.

Seek-n-Find! Can you find all 10 hidden items? If so, win a bottle opener, koozie, pen, or something else to make you happy! Hit us up at puzzles@theblacksheeponline.com and good luck!

19 20 22

24 25

32 33

F R A B N O K O E G N I E S Y T M E A I A N T N

Cheater!

www.CrosswordWeaver.com

ACROSS He wears Prada. Lives in the garden. Slips his fat ass down the chimney. Big socks imply a _____ _____. Hides eggs. Naked baby hunter. "Dawn of the Dead." Voldemort's an evil one. Male equivalent of witch. Cries for the Irish. This monster lives in Scotland and probably isn't real. People fish. Sneaky little guys responsible for sabotaging aircraft in one of the movies. Bird that ignites at the end of life. A unibrow would be most appropriate for this guy. Halo heads.

Meet The Staff! campus manager Cori DePue

Advertising Manager Kelly Zahery

27 30

marketing/PR Manager Callie Dolohanty Samanta Irey 32 Danielle Leapardo 34 Colleen Froehlich 37

Three wishes. Breathes fire. Human head, horse body. Three-headed dog. Jolly green guy.

Writers Katie Lindeen Callie Dolohanty Cori DePue Jessie

photographer Julie Vujnovich

campus director Brendan Bonham

Founders Cori DePue, Cody Fishwild, Callie Dolohanty Brendan Bonham, Atish Doshi, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, and Jessica Sommers

Questions?

Fictional Creatures

5 6 7 9 12 13 14 17 18 20 22

favorite color? 23 Adorable people in "Lord of the Rings." 24 Big furfest; in many Japanese films. 25 Sprinkles magic dust. 26 He was assembled by lots of different parts. DOWN 28 Blue midget. 29 Head of the Greek Gods. 1 I want me lucky charms. 31 Scary character with lots of snot. 2 Salem _____ trials. 33 Beautiful sparkling pony with head 3 Beware of full moon. Deadwood AJB decor. 4 Live in a rainbow-trimmed, cotton Yacht Club EPB Cutest The Mill Phillips Hall Pokemon. candy cloud. 35 Short’s animal. Van Allen 36 Napoleon Dynamite's favorite 8 Half man, half bull. Bluemoose Taphouse Burge Dining Hall 4'10" and older Mickey’s than 18. 38 Under 10 "Family Guy" family. Hillcrest Dining Hall 41 Shrek. Raygun 11 Little dolls with jewels in their bellies. River Room Z’marik’s Pat’s Diner 15 Small, mischievous green monster of Mia Za’s IMU sorts. Pita Pit Brother’s Bar 16 Borat wants their tears. Bluebird Diner Piano Lounge Oasis Studio 13 19 They steer clear of garlic and Falbo’s Pizza Joe’s Place crosses. 21 I'm Buddy the _____. What's your 39 40 42 43 44

Come Join the Team!

Find Us At... Pappajohn’s Pizza Mesa Pizza Taco Bell The Wedge Brueggar’s Bagels Breadgarden Market Which Wich Ragstock Iowa City Public Library Teaspoon’s Telluride Apartments Key West Apartments Michaels Properties

Solution:

M I N Y O T A R D U R

I G R P I F F I H N O B B I X T

1 I want me lucky charms. 2 Salem _____ trials. 3 Beware of full moon. 4 Live in a rainbow-trimmed, cotton candy cloud. 8 Half man, half bull. 10 “Family Guy” family. 11 Little dolls with jewels in their bellies. 15 Small, mischievous green monster of sorts. 16 Borat wants their tears. 19 They steer clear of garlic and crosses. 21 I’m Buddy the _____. What’s your favorite color? 23 Adorable people in “Lord of the Rings.” 24 Big furfest; in many Japanese films. 25 Sprinkles magic dust. 26 He was assembled by lots of different parts. 28 Blue midget. 29 Head of the Greek Gods. 31 Scary character with lots of snot. 33 Beautiful sparkling pony with head decor. 35 Cutest Pokemon. 36 Napoleon Dynamite’s favorite animal. 38 Under 4’10” and older than 18. 41 Shrek.

DOWN

C A N T A R E R B U N B E A W I Z R S H E E L F S M L I N U R L F I D G E W E T A U R R F G

Fictional Creatures Creatures Fictional

5 He wears Prada. 6 Lives in the garden. 7 Slips his fat ass down the chimney. 9 Big socks imply a _____ _____. 12 Hides eggs. 13 Naked baby hunter. 14 “Dawn of the Dead.” 17 Voldemort’s an evil one. 18 Male equivalent of witch. 20 Cries for the Irish. 22 This monster lives in Scotland and probably isn’t real. 27 People fish. 30 Sneaky little guys responsible for sabotaging aircraft in one of the movies. 32 Bird that ignites at the end of life. 34 A unibrow would be most appropriate for this guy. 37 Halo heads. 39 Three wishes. 40 Breathes fire. 42 Human head, horse body. 43 Three-headed dog. 44 Jolly green guy.

W G N O M E R F O O T E A S R W D O Z O M B G L L Y L F V P S B A E S S G M I F O P M E R M A I D I S I Z G R R I E C Y C L O P S L I A K A D R A G O N C E G H C E R B E R U S E

ACROSS

L W D E V I L P T R C B E H C C U H G W A R L O C K U B N L O C I N Z P H O E N U U A N G E L S I C O R N

the crossword

( class time )

The Lodge Apartments Near Campus Pink Palace Sam’s Pizza Apartments Chipotle G-Spot Salon Red Poppy Tobacco Bowl

Disclaimer

Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, info@theblacksheeponline.com Theand/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this Advertising? publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally. ads@theblacksheeponline.com Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

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