Minny - 5/3/12 - v02i06 by The Black Sheep

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Volume 2, Issue 6 5/3/12 - 5/17/12

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overstated and Overheard During Finals week Annie Hiner wrote this Finals week clearly sucks a fat one. Who really wants to spend an entire week making up for four months of apathy? However, I think there are a couple of things college students secretly love about this sucky week. We love to pretend we're more studious than we actually are, but most of all, we love to bitch. As the semester comes to a quick end be prepared to hear these obnoxious, yet infamous, statements. “I have to go to the library for like 100 hours!” Wow, you must be so studious! You spent the entire semester getting drunk on Tuesday nights and watching the entire Jersey Shore series, yet now you are just oh-so committed to school. You even made a study playlist? Holy shit, now that’s some serious dedication to your studies! This statement is often made during finals, but is almost always far from the truth. As most of us know, library visits are short lived due to a student’s dire need of Taco Bell and beer. “I had my friend change my Facebook password.” Oh, you’re going to be so productive now! Okay, so maybe you’ll save a few minutes by eliminating your daily routine ex-boyfriend stalker session, but we all know that there are many other distractions to replace Facebook. For instance, you’ll just end up wasting all your time editing Wikipedia pages, or masturbating to internet porn. Also, if you can’t get your daily fix stalking hotties online, you’ll just end up eye fucking strangers in the library. Don’t even bother with this nonsense. Four days in you will end up violently threatening your bestie if they don’t change your password back. Honestly, who are you kidding? “Hey, do you know where I can find any Adderall?” You totally cannot focus. You can barely read five pages. You swear you should be tested for ADD. You absolutely need Adderall to be productive. Yeah, you and the rest of us. It’s nearly impossible to go this entire week without sending this desperate text message. Yet, in reality most of us don’t have ADD, we just wait until four hours before our exams to even open our course packets. Sorry to break it to you, but in the rare case someone actually finds Adderall they’re just going to save it for themselves. Why? Because college students believe finals week is ample reason to take enough Adderall to start foaming at the mouth. I guess most of us will just have to resort to Red

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Bull and coffee binges until our heart explodes and we shit our pants. “I have 3 projects, 6 papers, 5 presentations and 9 exams until freedom. So stressed!” You’ve got to love these infamous tweets. We all care so much about your work load and feel so bad for you. Hell, after you see one of these tragic statuses it's hard not to send these poor souls a care package filled with 5-hour Energy drinks and chocolate. So what if we go to the same school and are both facing the dreaded finals week? Apparently life in CEHD is so much harder than CSE? Yeah, that makes sense. Thank you so much for sharing your pain over social media.

“I just don’t even care anymore.” Hey, at least you’re honest. Screw it. Why waste these beautiful spring days stuck in the library with all the engineering and biology dorks? You may be on academic probation, but it’s not like you are going to die if you fail your test, right? At least you’ll be the only one with a tan once summer begins. As the week of hell approaches, think before you open your mouth or post that Facebook status. Truth of the matter is, we don't believe your ridiculously exaggerated comments about studying during finals, nor do we give a shit.

so where does your crappy summer job fit in?

Wine, sex, and food… what’s so bad about finals again?

Summer heat plus body heat can lead to one hell of a summer.

see page 4

see page 5

see page 7

Summer Jobs: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly The Do’s and Don’ts of Finals Week

Dissecting The Summer Fling

Table of > > > PAGE 4 >>> PAGES 5 >>>

The Top Ten

Things Minnesotans Think are Normal, but are Just the Opposite

contents 5

How To: Sleep With Someone Outside Your Social Circle

The guide to getting it in with that one person who has always been out of your league.

page 11 >>> page 13 >>>

Bartender of the Issue

Molly from the Library can't be good, so she's just careful.

Summer Blockbusted

How movies that look so right could go so horribly wrong.

Meet The Staff! campus manager Luis Guitart

PAGE 14-15 >>>

Show Us Your Booze!

A tale of some booze bottles on Cinco de Mayo.

editorial manager Amanda Abell Advertising Managers Delaney Coyle Hannah Comer

marketing team Jessica Frazier (Manager) Melanie Richtman Eddie Lund Sonja Stegman distrib. assistant Josh Matrella

Writers Anne Hiner Katrina Nicholson Shannon Ryan

campus director Brendan Bonham Questions?

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Definition: A disease contracted by associating with the awkward and stupid. “Dan was about to take a girl home until a sudden bout of shleprosy hit when Martin made a bad abortion joke.”

THe top ten Things Minnesotans Think Are Normal, But Are Just the Opposite 10) Saying “pop” instead of “soda” isn't cute anymore: Minnesotans whip that one out like a party trick. If you ever casually insert “pop” instead of "soda" into a conversation, people will turn to you like they're ready to kill and remark, “What the fuck did you just say?” They think it's outdated and embarrassing and that we should be given 9 lashes for using it. It's a sad fact: the one phrase that used to set us apart from the rest of the nation has now become a source of social ridicule. 9) Lumberjack chic is not okay: In Minnesota stupid trends are overlooked because of our weather. For example: Uggs with a dress, thick wool socks with skinny jeans or oversized gender-neutral coats. It doesn't fly anywhere else. Apparently it's only okay to look like you cut trees for a living if you're located in Minnesota. 8) Engaging strangers in conversation is usually awkward: We pride ourselves on our “Minnesota nice” attitude, but you can't get away with talking to strangers outside of Minnesota. It's a cold world. You could try and strike up a conversation with the angry employee getting your coffee, but even saying something like, “It's so cold out today!” will get you a stare down and a rude “NEXT!”, even if no one is behind you. In Minnesota the employee, angry or not, would at least say, “Oh yeah! I know can you believe it!? It's supposed to be 20 below tomorrow!”

summer jobs: The good, the bad and the ugly Annie Hiner wrote this As finals commence and summer takes over the harsh reality sets in. You’re forced to find a job as you wean off the money teat that your parents have so graciously provided. When applying for a summer job you’re faced with a variety of options. While some of your friends spend their summer making twenty dollars an hour, doing mindless work even a chimpanzee could manage, others aren’t so lucky. How lucky are you? Will your summer job be good, bad, or just plain ugly? Good gigs are hard to come by. If you stumble upon one, you better hold on to it for as long as possible. Now you may think “pool boy” doesn’t sound glamorous, but if some Minnesotan is rich enough to have a pool in their backyard, they are also guaranteed to have a hot MILF waiting inside. These bored housewives will shower you with fresh fruit and frozen drinks. It’s hard to complain about cleaning dead frogs and dog shit out of a pool when you get to gaze at Mrs. Robinson relaxing topless in the sun. If you manage to get a job cleaning a pool this summer, get excited. In the rare case Mrs. Robinson isn’t quite a ten, or even a five, at least you’ll get a nice tan. Also sweet, working for your parents is a job that won’t exactly enhance your tan but will most definitely bring in the cash. Chances are if you have a friend that gets paid to work for their parents, it’s hard not to want to kick that lucky son of a bitch in the genitals. These jobs are truly ideal. Your parents love for you is never-ending, therefore showing up an hour late or fucking up one too many times can only result in a subpar birthday present. Sure, everyone in the office may hate your guts, but they’re forced to be nice to you. Not too shabby. When it comes to the bad, they aren’t horrible, it just basically means you make minimum wage and deal with a lot of annoying motherfuckers. The bad begins with serving. It doesn’t sound awful, only because you have a chance at earning a pretty penny with any serving job. However, serving jobs will also make you lose all faith in humanity. You truly never realize the amount of imbecile assholes in this world until you start taking orders. Your table of thirty all needs separate checks? Great! Thirty cent tip on a twenty dollar

tab? Oh, you shouldn’t have! It’s no wonder that people in the service business often have alcoholic tendencies. Retail also sucks. Nothing says hangover like sitting in a fitting room for six hours, absorbing the scent of dirty diapers and bad perfume after a long night of Long Islands. The worst part is that you actually have to put a fake smile on your face, ignore the customer’s obvious muffin top, and proceed to lie and say that the jeans look great! Also, folding clothes for three hours may seem like a breeze, but as you fold v-neck after v-neck it’s difficult not to pull your hair out. Prisoners should have to work at Old Navy. The ugly have no cushion; they are the nastiest jobs around. First of all, if you have to wear a visor at work, say goodbye to your sex life. Truly, working at a fast food restaurant is just about as low as it gets. You may be able to show up to work high out of your mind, but it may be hard not to fall in a deep depression while taking drive thru orders from cars full of morons who are also high out of their minds. That $7.25 an hour pay is better than nothing, but it’s also the reason you are forced to bring a flask of your own booze when you hit the bars.

7) Statements about the weather: Minnesotans are well aware that they face the brunt of the cold winter weather. The rest of the nation is also aware the Minnesotans face the brunt of the cold weather. But the rest of the nation is not Minnesota, and therefore, 30 degrees does feel cold to them. 6) Don’t run into a store when it’s cold out: One of the cold weather survival techniques learnt in Minnesota is: run as quickly as possible from the car to the store. News flash, other people do not do this. They walk and suffer. Who knows why? Clearly we are smarter when it comes to this. If you're the only one running from the car to the store in Boston, you look like an idiot. Looks like we are supposed to shed our survival instincts and complain with the rest of them. Fuck this. 5) Minneapolis skyways are a topic of ridicule, not innovation: We all love them, we know they're awesome. But everyone else calls them the “rat tubes.” People can't believe that our entire city is connected by a system of skyways. Why the hell would you walk outside during the winter when you could get to the next building in a nice tube? Eventually the rest of the nation will realize the genius behind the concept. For now we might as well let them think they’re right and let their asses freeze outside. 4) When the Vikings suck, we aren't allowed to scream about how much we love them: Everyone except those damn ‘Sconnie fans that reside in Minnesota will always love Vikings no matter how much they suck. This is where Minnesota “nice” must play in, because this is something that other people can't understand. I'm not saying we shouldn't support the Vikings, but when they're having a shitty season please SHUT THE FUCK UP about them. 3) To others, our accents do sound like the ones in Fargo: People from around the nation really think we sound like the people from Fargo. Sometimes we do, but shouldn’t people from Fargo have our accents considering there are all of what, seven people, residing in North Dakota? Minnesotans all think they talk normal, until they go somewhere else and everyone makes fun of you, asking you to say Minnesoooota time after time.

The lowest of the low is becoming a stripper. It’s no secret that the majority of college students are shameless. College bars are packed with girls falling down the stairs and guys peeing on the floor, yet even most college kids respect themselves enough to never stoop this low. So maybe you got real drunk and flashed your tits to a crowd full of strangers on amateur night, that doesn’t mean you were destined to be a stripper. Honestly, who wants to spot their professor in a crowd as they dance on stage to Nelly’s “Hot In Herre” with their cooter exposed?

2) Bonfires are apparently weird: Most Minnesotans know that having a bonfire means everyone sits around a fire, drinks, and maybe cooks s’mores (Editor’s Note: Of what?). Others can be very confused by this concept.

In the end, money is money. Whether you spend your summer rubbing tanning oil dangerously close to a hot mom’s ass, or serving fries to obese people, you’re still making buck. Don’t fret, no matter how horrible the job, you’ll eventually have enough money to buy a cheap bottle of whiskey and cry yourself to sleep at night.

1) Rollerblading: Wake up call! People think rollerblading is weird. Going to the lakes in Minneapolis, a substantial proportion of the people on the paths are rollerblading. Anywhere else, you rarely see one person on a bike path using rollerblades. People are convinced that it is a phase of the 80s and that it looks stupid. Wrap your head around it.

katrina nicholson wrote this

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the do's and dont's of finals week shannon ryan wrote this Finals week means stress beyond capacity, way more glasses-wearing individuals on campus, one-third the amount of showering in a normal week, and bloodshot eyeballs that would scare the shit out of any albino, right? Eh, wrong! Follow the tips and tricks below, and you’ll have smooth sailing through those exams. DON’T drink yourself into oblivion: Come on, we all know this, right? Then why is it so damn difficult for us to take a couple days off from partyin’ and bullshit? Let me tell you about it. During your college years, the synapses in your brain transform, placing “doing homework and being productive” in the back, while “let’s get fucked up” sits right in the frontal lobe. Some higher power must have it out for us, so please know that it isn’t your fault you feel that way – it’s science. Be strong, you’ll experience immense regret if you choose to participate in a case race over reading Engles – like when you disregarded wearing your retainer in 6th grade and now have braces at 20– big and bad mistake. Refrain from this and utilize the next trick! DO have a glass of wine or a beer mid-study session: The aforementioned tip advised not sailing away into a sea of vodka, but a little alcohol in between your studies will ultimately be beneficial. Doing so will prevent withdrawals (the shakes and nightmarish visions) and binge drinking episodes. Moderation is key. Think of it like a diet: if you completely cut sweets out of your life you will eventually pop like a fresh whitehead and eat an entire cake in one night. That exact situation is what we want to avoid (insert a bottle of alcohol in place of the cake, though) so practice some self-

How To: Sleep With Someone Outside of Your Social Circle shannon ryan wrote this

restraint and limit yourself accordingly. DO have sex: After having sex, the brain releases endorphins, which decrease stress and lift you into a state of euphoria. Additional note: if the word euphoria is foreign to you, then you probably aren’t having sex anyway, but it signifies a state of intense excitement. Overall, getting jiggy wit it (thanks Will) during finals week will make you a happy little camper and much more willing to get down to business, in more than one way. DON’T forget to eat: I say this to all you slap-happy Adderall abusers. Listen, if you pop an Addy, or eight, during finals week, you aren’t alone. Adderall is a perennial favorite for recreational pharmaceutical stimulant connoisseurs because holy shit does it work. If you aren’t medically diagnosed with ADHD or naturally bouncing off the walls again like Sugarcult, then yes, it will help you focus your brain on ECON 3101. However, it will decrease your appetite so much that you will forget to stuff your face, and I bet you didn’t know a hearty meal would help you focus just as well. Although the waif look is in, the emaciated and postHolocaust victim look isn’t, so consider swapping that pill for a burger.

you the truth: you can’t get away with it and I can smell your armpits from across the room. Whether the former or the latter, taking a shower during a stressful time period will not only remove the Cheetos stains that have been on the back of your neck for days, but it will also function as a stress reliever. Soak up the steam and allow the hot beads to envelope every inch of your flesh. Damn, that last sentence, I want in.

DO shower: It’s no secret we’ve all skipped showering a time or two, but there are two types of people in terms of the “non-showerer.” Maybe you’re one of those people who can get away with not showering for one, two days maximum. Maybe you’re one of those people who just think they can get away with it, and your friends are too kind to tell

I bet you’re feeling a whole lot better about that approaching week, huh? Doesn’t seem so bad, almost fun, right? No? Okay, well if those tips don’t help even a little, remember that the sweet succulent sounds of summer are right around the corner. Better? Yeah, I knew that’d get ya. Happy studies!

Are you a bro hoping to score that sexy alt chick working at Espresso? Are you a hipster gal looking for one night in the sack without having to discuss the works of Dante? Are you a virgin just looking to swipe that card before graduation? Are you a redhead hoping – shit, sorry can’t help you. Try Match. com. Bros Hard for Hipster Hotties: She listens to something like Collected for Animals, er, Animals Collecting Something, whatever – I bet she’s an animal in bed. Listen up, fellas, and follow my lead. Right now the only thing you have going for you to get this kind of babe in bed is your pretty face. But what about my Ralph Lau…no, that’s truly it. You need to reinvent yourself. It will take dedication. You must communicate an effective edgy mystique and embrace the James Dean persona. Dress as an homage to Urban Outfitters, but play it cool and pretend you got the threads at some trendy, very exclusive thrift store way out past Uptown. Think: I just stumbled upon it. Excite with eccentric and evocative stories of previous hiking travels or that awesome semester you found the “real you” whilst studying abroad in South America. Also, fabricate if necessary. This will require a degree of wit, and you will have to spend dough on this girl to get her back to your place. Shed your typical digs, ditch your cheapskate mindset and let the J. Daniels on the rocks flow through your veins. Oh, and it’s called Animal Collective. Urban Girls Lusting Over Muscle Men: It’s not like we’d be having an insightful conversation… 'Ladies, ladies, ladies, I’m sure you’re showing this article to your friends and guffawing at the idea that you would ever dance your delicates in front of anyone with an IQ less than 130. However, when you get in the comfort of your own home you’re gonna be like, damn, how’d she know? Having sex with a brute will feel like an escape from reality, which is pleasant from time to time. Also, groping the arms, back, abdomen – sorry, I’ll stop there – of a man with muscles will definitely be an alternative to the Gumby-like arms of your typical starving artist. And to accomplish this night of mindless sex is simple: go to them. Bite the bullet for one night and bear the air of

Blarney Pub and Grill. The men here are on the hump hunt and infinitely better looking than the ugly mugs you’ll find at Library Bar. Once here, the majority of men will find you intriguing and sexy already, so make dirty eyes with Billy the Bro in-between puffs of your Marlboro Light, flick the bud into the moonlight, and let him know where you want to go – his place. I suggest romping all night and leaving before he has a chance to speak in the morning, you don’t want to totally regret the evening. Unfortunate Looking Men Horny for Sorority Bitties: I’ve let her cheat off of me for the past four years. C’mon, pity fuck? So, you’re a virgin! You are single and celibate. You haven’t had coitus. You don’t know what coitus means. Got it. Well, you have an accurate target of who will shamelessly sleep with you in a drunken state of mind: the sorority bittie. This type of girl enjoys sex as much as the next porn star, though she generally only sleeps with guys whom look adequate in the darkened dance floor of Blarney. Shit, that isn’t you. You’re going to have to take an alternate route into her Victoria’s Secrets. Let’s call it the wreck-and-roll attempt. Since you are probably “friends” with this girl, also known as the guy who does my Spanish homework, and you aren’t up to par with her standards of hotness, she feels comfortable with you. You’re up to date with her constant boy drama, and that is your get-it-in in. The next time she drunkenly texts you about how I just don’t get why he’s sleeping with her and her cottage cheese thighs, play the comfort card. Go over to her place. She’ll be a wreck. Shower her with compliments and wipe the mascara off her face. Note: avoid trying to wipe off her face powder because she will get aggressive. At this point, it’s dark, your bodies are touching, and she wants validation. Hey, that’s you! Roll with it and swipe that card. It’s fun to play out of your league sometimes. Whether it’s a grungy dude trolling trixie trollops or a good-looking gal looking to bang an uggo one night only, magic can always happen. Happy humping!

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Dissecting The Summer Fling and Why It’s a Damn Good Thing

shannon ryan wrote this The summer fling is admired by most and attained by few. Its success lies in its precise coupling of humans who truly know how to rock the right amount of relationship: it’s fickle. Lucky for you, we’ve got the deets on what it really is, why it’s so phenomenal, and who you gotta be to make one work. Summer is the time of year for short shorts, Nair, sundresses, tanned bodies and melting minds. It’s the one season that you can still get away with a bullshit job (i.e. lifeguard) and people will still sleep with you. Summer’s greatest attribute, however, is its rendering of flings on flings on flings – rap about that, Kanye. Flings are, well, arguably one the best kind of relationships known to man for two reasons. 1) Summer is located where the dreams of Pocahontas are: just around the riverbend. 2) Everyone is sexier in the summer. A fling, to put simply and non-erotically, is sex without attachment. Yes, you read that correctly. No, that isn’t a typo. No, you don’t need glasses – stop that call to your optometrist. It does exist! It is also known as having “casual sex.” This kind of sex is top-notch because it offers you similar benefits that having “relationship sex” does, i.e. comfort, knowledge of your G-spot, acceptance of dirty talk, etc., sans emotional drama. Sign me up, please!

Now, if you are reading this and think, “Well, I’ve tried the whole casual sex thing, and it just doesn’t work…” please stop. It absolutely can work. YOU don’t work. You’re just too clingy, needy or emotionally unstable to handle a relationship focused on sex. Bottom line is a fling will not turn into marriage. It will inevitably terminate itself, which is a positive thing. Four reasons why unavoidable termination is pleasant: 1) No chance of stag- five clinger potential. 2) You exit the relationship in an amicable settlement. 3) The uncomfortable DTR (define this relationship) discussion will never happen. 4) Allows for an award winning get-me-the-fuck-out-of-this excuse. I know babe, but it just wouldn’t be fair to either of us to keep this up; I’m only here for the summer. Genius! Good, great, awesome. By now you’re all dreaming about the individual you wanna jump into this fling thing with, but stop right there! There are three very pertinent things you should keep in mind before choosing your summer bump-and-grind mate. - If you choose a friend, you enter into a messy FWB situation which will turn out poorly. Search for a, “I live in Washington, but I’m interning with my aunt’s firm for the summer” type of person. - For men, choose a woman of mediocre attractiveness. On one hand, extremely good-looking girls are generally serial daters,

ALL DAY, EVERY DAY

STD carriers, or already in a relationship. On the other hand, if you have to put a bag over the head of someone who has a great personality, the sex will be shit. Pick 6s or 7s. - For women, choose a man who is obnoxiously pretty. Not having the "holy shit we connect on such a deep level" kind of personality is perfect for a fling. Stay away from average-looking gentlemen; he is the kind to snatch when looking for a relationship. Well, there you have it: the basic overview of the wonder that is the summer fling. It’s anatomy is more detailed than one would assume, but once within one, it’s far less enigmatic than any other kind of relationship. Great sex? Check. No emotional ties? Check. Summer heat? Check. Body heat? Double check. Check yourself into a summer fling, stat. That is, if you can handle it.

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WILD WEDNESDAYS! $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots Live DJ/Dancing | College I.D. Night Free Drinks 11pm - Midnight (w/ college I.D.) $5 Cover Without College I.D.

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday

SPECIAL NIGHT

Everyone Drinks Free! 9:30pm - 10:30pm Plus, 10 P.M. to Close: $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

1/2 Price Apps Ladies Drink Free 9pm-11pm

THURSDAY

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-midnight $2.50 "U" Call Its $1.50 Miller Lite Taps $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-midnight $3.00 Long Islands 9-close

10pm - Close $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm

FRIDAY

Happy Hour: 3-midnight $2.50 "U" Call Its $1.50 Miller Lite Taps $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-midnight $3.00 Long Islands 9-close

10pm - Close $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm

SATURDAY

S.I.N (service industry night) $1.50 Domestic Taps, Rails and $3.00 Jager Bombs 9-close

10pm - Close $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

45 Cent Wings All Day

SUNDAY

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its 99 cent taco's from 3-11 $1.50 Domestic Taps and Rail Drinks 9-close

10pm - Close $2 Rails, Domestic Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

2-4-1's All Day EVERYDAY, EVERYTHING 1/2 Price Burgers

MONDAY

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its $2.50 Cheeseburger and Fries 3-11 $1.50 Domestic Bottles and Rails 9-close

Everyone Drinks Free! 9:30pm - 10:30pm Plus, 10 P.M. to Close: $2 Rails, Dom. Btls., Tier 1 Drafts $3 Calls, Specialty Btls., Tier 2 Drafts $2 & $3 Select Shots

$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm

TUESDAY

White Trash Wednesday Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its Free bacon from 9pm till it's gone 25 cent wings 3-midnight $1 PBR and High Life Tall Boys $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-close

$1 Tacos 3pm-close

WEDNESDAY

SUNDAY: S.I.N (service industry night) $1.50 Domestic Taps, Rails and $3.00 Jager Bombs 9-close Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-11 $2.50 "U" Call Its $1 Domestic Taps and Rails $2 Import Taps 9-close

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www.cabooze.com

may

thursday

w/ A Love electric feat. Todd clouser

saturday

and

may

the pimps of joytime

friday

fIrst fleet concerts & cabooze Present…

hoodie allen

may

wednesday

s on a le !

Doors 9:00pm | Music 10:00pm | 18+ Tickets $10 Adv/$13 Door

june

saturday

sunday

wookiefoot presents: sundrop

w/ Wookiefoot • More Than Lights • Jon Wayne & The Pain (Inside) Useful Jenkins • The Limns • Alexi Teague (Joint Patio) s on a le !

Patio Doors 2:00pm | Patio Music 4:30pm | 21+ Cabooze Doors 8:00pm | Music 9:00pm | 18+ Tickets $14 Adv/$17 Door

saturday

mId amerIca talent Presents…

funkytown family reunion a tribute to the minneapolis sound

feat. The boombox & live performances by original members of Prince & The Revolution • The Time • The Family • New Power Generation Mazerati • Mint Condition • Lo Key? • Sounds of Blackness + more! Doors 8:30pm | Music 9:30pm | 21+ Tickets $12 Adv/$15 Door

s on a le !

may

saturday

s on a le !

Doors 5:30pm | Music 6:30pm | AA Tickets $16.50 Adv/$18 Door

may

juno what?!

s on a le !

Doors 8:30pm | Music 9:30pm | 18+ Tickets $10 Adv/$12 Door

june

may

saturday

friday

5/22 - - - - - - - - -The mn beAT bATTLe RoUnd 2

Doors 8:30pm | Music 9:30pm | 18+ Tickets $8 Adv/$10 Door

s on a le !

04 10 12 18 20 09

5/20 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The AggRoLITes

w/ Machine 22 • Them That Dare

5/23 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - keys n kRATes 5/24 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - A momenT wIThoUT

useful jenkins w/ The Regulars • The Square Community

5/25 - -edwARd shARPe & The mAgneTIc zeRos 5/26 - - - -Tech n9ne’s hosTILe TAkeoveR ToUR 6/4 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - mewIThoUTyoU

Doors 8:30pm | Music 9:30pm | Cover $7 | 18+

6/8 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - gReg LAsweLL

greensky bluegrass w/ sans souci Quartet

6/12 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ocd: moosh & TwIsT 6/16 - - - - - -RogeR cLyne & The PeAcemAkeRs

Doors 8:30pm | Music 9:30pm | 18+ Tickets $10 Adv/$12 Door

s on a le !

Doors 8:30pm | Music 9:00pm | Cover $7 | 18+

sick of sarah

6/23 - - - PIPeR mUsIc PRodUcTIons PResenTs: Led zeppelin 1 & 2 performed by god Johnson, soap, & slitt

kraddy

7/10 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - dIck dALe

w/ DJ Blaze One • Loom In Essence

7/21 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - beIRUT

Doors 9:00pm | Music 10:00pm | 18+ Tickets $10 Adv/$12 Door

10/13 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - zombIe PUb cRAwL

7/14 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - whITe IRon bAnd s on a le !

w/ Sexy Delicious • Sean Anonymous • Chantz Milo • COMANCHE

the aggrolites w/ Old Man Markley • Brothers of Brazil Doors 7:00pm | Music 8:00pm | 18+ Tickets $13 Adv/$15 Door

s on a le !

dustin thomas

upcoming shows

heatbox and

march fourth marching band w/ el dub cd Release Party

Doors 9:00pm | Music 9:30pm | 18+ Tickets $10 Adv/$12 Door

s on a le !

may

03 the big wu 05 11 16 19 02

friday

may

thursday

n ! o le a s

Friday, May 25

Saturday, May 26

Saturday, July 21

fIrst avenue, rose, & cabooze Present...

tech n9ne’s

fIrst avenue, rose, & cabooze Present...

edward sharpe &

“hostile takeover tour 2012”

the magnetic zeros with he’s my brother she’s my sister

with Machine Gun Kelly • Krizz Kaliko • Mayday • Prozak • Stevie Stone

Doors 6:00pm | Music 7:00pm | AA Tickets $30 Adv/$35 Door

Doors 4:30pm | Music 5:30pm | AA Tickets $32.50 Adv/$35 Door

beirut

Doors 6:00pm | Music 7:00pm | AA Tickets $25 Adv/$25 Door

www.cabooze.com • 917 Cedar Avenue S, Minneapolis, MN • Info LIne 612.338.6425 • check us out on TIckeTs AvAILAbLe AT www.cabooze.com, www.ticketfly.com, The Joint bar, electric fetus, know name Records, Treehouse Records, cowboy slims Uptown, cowboy Jacks Plymouth & bloomington, & Red’s savoy Pizza Uptown, or at 1-877-435-9849

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Bartender

of the

Issue Age: 24 Favorite Drink: Shot of Rumpleminze Hangover cure: Any greasy food is good. Favorite Music: Anything but classical music and hard rock.

n r o b s O y l l Mo y the librar

Favorite shot: Pancake breakfast - blueberry vodka and butterscotch schnapps. Favorite bar: Mac's Industrial

drinking game:

Sloppy Sixes

With all the perverted and imaginative minds here at The Black Sheep, it’s pretty easy to get carried away with wild drinking games. But don’t get us wrong, we still like classics, quick and easy, just like the way we like our women. Just to prove it to you, we’re keeping this week’s game simple, like your cousin Alvin. What You’ll Need: Any alcohol hiding in the back of your cabinet and some dice. Number of Players: As many cool guys as you can get your hands on. Intoxication Level: We'll make ya extra schloppy!

Let’s Get Sloppy: - Line up three cups and three shot glasses, numbering them from one to six. - Fill them up with anything that will get you drunk: beer, whisky, nail polish remover, whatever floats your boat. - Take turns flipping a die. The number you roll is the drink you take. - Do not fill up the glass after drinking from it. - When a player rolls a six, they may give that drink out to another player. - If a cup is empty and you roll its number, you miss your turn and have to fill up the cup instead. Don’t be discouraged, though, you’ll be happy for this break later. The Game Ends When: Either the alcohol runs out or someone yacks. Bon appa-drinking!

Thirsty for More? theblacksheeponline.com

Favorite quote: "If you can’t be good, be careful." If you had three wishes, what would they be?: 1) I wish I could drink without getting a hangover. 2) I wish I could meet Prince. 3) I wish people at The Library would stop complaining about the $10 minimum on cards Worst thing every overheard at bar: "Would you be offended if I ordered shots like this, 'Three shots BITCH!'"

recipe for disaster:

Trix on Stix

Sick of the Rice Krispies Treats we’ve been throwing at you lately? Here’s a new, creative snack for you to try: Trix on Trix on Trixxxx...on sticks. What You’ll Need: Trix cereal, a mountain of marshmallows, a stick of butter, and sticks (popsicle sticks, skewers, used lollipops, whatever). Cook Time: 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s not necessarily unhealthy for you, just dangerously addicting. Why do you think that damn crackhead rabbit is always after the cereal? Let’s Get Baked: - Microwave the marshmallows and three tablespoons of butter for three minutes. - Next, butter up a spatula to make stirring easier. Would you like us to assign someone to butter your spatula? - Add three-fourths of your Trix cereal to the bowl of warm marshmallow-y goodness, and stir to your heart’s content. - Let it cool for about five minutes. - Butter up your hands and start forming balls, squares, octagons or whatever shape you prefer. - Shove a stick in it and there you go! Fancy, sugary hors d'oeuvres for your pregame. They’re kinda like kabobs, but less meaty and vegetable-y. Silly rabbit, Trix are for college kids! And stoners, too. Of any age, really.

Parents say the

Parents—how adorable. Whether they’re obsessed with their iProduct du jour or try to chat you up about the latest episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, you can’t help but appreciate how they still try to stay involved in your life. Still, few parents keep up with the ever-evolving musical landscape. With that in mind we decided to email our parents sample lyrics from recently popular songs just to see if they could figure out what was going on. Their unadulterated responses below.

darndest things! Ke$ha- “Tik Tok”

And now the dudes are linin’ up cuz they hear we got swagger But we kick ‘em to the curb unless they look like Mick Jagger I'm talkin’ about errrbody gettin crunk Boys tryn’a touch my junk “This is about some girls thinking they’re hot, checking out the boys who aren’t and dissing the pretenders who are offenders.” “Is swagger a new drink? Why does she have it on her and why is she with Mick Jagger? She has garbage that people want?” “The guys are in a competition like American Idol, wanting to show off their stuff, but they won't be accepted unless they're a certain 'type' - a cookie cutter imitation of what is acceptable. They're all

showing off, doing their best.” “Guys are standing in front of a hot club in NYC because they hear celebs and models are hanging out there. But the girls want nothing to do with 'em unless they're jocks or loaded with dough. The chicks are there to party, boys want some action.” Verdict: The parents do a good job identifying the strong pro-female message in the song, but are oblivious to Ke$ha’s general sluttiness. Having seen Ke$ha, this seems impossible.

LMFAO- “Party Rock Anthem” See I'm a jock (huh) nonstop when we in the spot Booty move weight like she owns the block Where I drank I gots to know Tight jeans, tattoos cause I'm rock and roll Half black half white, domino Gain the money Oprah Doe!

“I think this is about people of mixed ethnicity dancing for money.” “The dude feeling like he has to prove himself. Drinking for courage, playing the part with the clothes, tattoos, etc. He’s trying to please all, white/black, (Oreo) black on the outside - white inside. The woman has money, and she’s using him.” “It’s about a guy dancing with his gal but he likes to mix his music, rock and roll with a little hip hop sprinkled in.”

“He can focus and perform in a bad situation; she can move mountains with her powerful behind. Can't remember a thing about last night. Wearing tight jeans, etc. because they're searching for an identity.” Verdict: Two schools of thought are evident here. First, there are two responses with vaguely racist undertones. Then, there are the older folk who know that this is a party song. They must have watched the Super Bowl this year.

Drake- “The Motto”

Wrist blang, got a condo up in Biscayne Still getting brain from a thang, ain’t shit changed How you feel? how you feel? how you feel? Twenty five sittin’ on 25 mil uhh I’m in the building and I’m feeling myself Rest in peace Mac Dre, I’mma do it for the Bay, okay “It’s about a dude in Miami with a hangover reminiscing about the old rapper Dr. Dre and counting his money.”

Florida, not knowing what to feel, sitting on $25 million in illegal money. All this - living in Biscayne Bay - but is it worth the diminished peace of mind?”

“This song is definitely about drug use.”

Verdict: “Still getting brain from a thang” threw off them older kids. Thank god. If they knew what that meant, we’d have to kill ourselves.

“Newly rich but feeling poor, with a condo in southern

owl city - "fireflies" 'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs From ten thousand lightning bugs As they tried to teach me how to dance A foxtrot above my head A sock hop beneath my bed The disco ball is just hanging by a thread The dude is in bed dreaming

“The song is about an animal living in the forest, right? I think an animal is teaching him how to dance in the woods.” “This person is definitely dealing with some drug-induced hallucinations.” “A thousand hugs from lightning bugs refers to blue haired ladies, they remember the foxtrot and sock hop. The disco ball is hang-

ing from a thread means they also realize their best days have passed.” Verdict: They’re all over the place with this one. Truthfully, we’re also confounded by this song. Lightning bugs don’t tend to reside under one’s bed, so we’re just assuming this guy fell ass-backwards into a catchy chorus.

Black Eyed Peas- “I Gotta Feeling” Let's do it, let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, and do it, and do it, Let's live it up And do it, and do it, and do it, do it, do it, Let's do it, Let's do it, Let's do it.

“This needs no explanation, it’s about sex.” “Why is it all about sex? Do they talk about anything else?” “It’s about good vibes and positive affirmations. “

Verdict: We tricked ‘em real good. We assume that our parents assume that everyone is talking about sex all the time these days. Our suspicions proved correct.

Waka Flocka Flame- “No Hands” Blood want it flacka yea throw it fuck it I don't care.

“I have no clue what’s going on here.” “I have no idea.” Verdict: Neither do we.

summer

blockbusted How movies that look so right

could go so wrong Bored to death of board game movies? Refuse to bite on Piranha 3DD? Summer movies are, for the most part, dreck. Still, there’s always a spate of films that promise to fulfill the audience’s desire for something more than boobs and things that go boom. Even then, things can go wrong. Though we fully expect these movies to kick all sorts of ass, here’s how we can see them suck.

The Dark Knight Rises Oh Jesus, dare we utter a word of doubt about this sacred cow? Well what if—and work with us here—just everything goes to shit. Bane flops as a villain. Catwoman doesn’t fill the gap as the playful antagonist. Talia al Ghul doesn’t show up. Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s role is smaller than anticipated. Alfred dies. As Morgan Freeman ages he goes through reverse puberty, so suddenly his voice sucks. Commissioner A political send-up flick starring Zach Galifianakis and Will Ferrell (10 years ago Zach Galifianakis)? What could possibly go wrong?

Prometheus Picture this: A sci-fi prequel set in the same universe as several box office smash-hits. Few of the characters are the same, but the same ambiance, from physics to technology to tone, all hark back to the films produced decades before. The audience expects a certain amount of familiarity to exist—and by god it does. As the movie slogs forward it becomes apparent that this… this is not a good thing. Now, the Alien universe is wildly different from the Star Wars universe, and Ridley It’s hard not to think of the new Peter Parker, Andrew Garfield, as Eduardo Saverin in the really, really, really good film, The Social Network. He was perfect for the role, a tiny wiener kid given to “it’s not fair!” outbursts that reek of petulance. He was the perfect contrast to the coldblooded Mark Zuckerberg. So, not to get all typecast on Mr. Garfield, but if Peter Parker is portrayed as some mopey little baby upset with his newfound ability to climb walls, well, that’s gonna make us megafrownie all over the place. Based on early images, The Amazing Spider-Man looks to be much darker than the previous three films, so it’s more than possible that the film heads in

Scott is decidedly different from stuff-my-pants-so-fullwith-money-my-gunt-getspaper-cuts George Lucas, but the worry exists. There’s pressure on everyone associated with the film, from the director to the sound mixer, to make sure this new edition pays tribute to the original. With that, the audience could be left with an overflowing toilet full of allusions, callbacks and remembrances of films past, but nothing worthwhile. Nothing of substance, minus the shit.

Gordon becomes a bumbling dunce a-la the 60s camp TV show. Batman decides to sport the batnipples again, simply because they make him feel sexy. Listen, we’d be shocked—absolutely shocked—if the third installment falls short of very good-ness. If The Dark Knight Rises fails in the eyes of the audience, it’s likely because the audience’s expectations are too high. Slowly exhale everyone, it’ll be okay.

The Campaign

Well, it strikes us that both of these actors need a straight man to play off of to really capitalize on their style of absurd humor. Consider this conversation:

movies that look crappy

but might just turn out okay Men in black 3

After time-traveling to 1969, saving the world in the process, Will Smith’s Agent J decides to stay in the period. He becomes a militant Civil Rights Movement leader until promptly retiring in 1990 to his home in Bel-Air.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter After finishing off Vampire John

Wilkes Booth, Lincoln declares himself Dictator of the United States of America, turning the country into a totalitarian state.

Snow White and the Huntsman

Will Ferrell: I’m kind of a big deal. Zach Galifianakis: Well maybe we should tell that to Rain Man…because he practically bankrupted a casino, and he was a retard. Will Ferrell: You’re so wise. You’re like a miniature Buddha covered with hair. to keep the film set in some sort of reality, the movie (Each character awkwardly quickly spirals to a dark place stares at the other for thirty rife with one-liner one-upmanseconds.) ship until the audience’s heads simultaneously explode. And It doesn’t work. Instead of having that’s bad for repeat viewings. a comparatively sane character

In a film loaded with overwrought dialogue the cast breaks out in a hip-hop number that sees Kristen Stewart rap, “Yeah, I’m Snow White, the purest of them all/The Queen wanna dance with me, I’ll show her how I ball.”

that’s my boy The film’s final scene - in which the raunchy father (played by Adam Sandler) accidentally kills himself in an auto-erotic asphyxiation mishap - turns out to be real footage.

magic mike

This Channing Tatum male stripper bildungsroman succeeds on the strength of its puns and double-entendres. In one scene Tatum’s Mike—dressed as a solider—is asked to “stop being a dick, show some balls and serve this cuntry.”

The Amazing Spiderman Brave

this direction. Peter Parker is supposed to be a snarky dick, not a whiney pussy. We have you on watch, Garfield.

Toy Story: Male protagonist. A Bug’s Life: Male protagonist. Toy Story 2: Male protagonist. Monsters, Inc.: Male protagonist. Finding Nemo: Male protagonist. The Incredibles: Male protagonist. Cars: Male protagonist. Ratatoullie: Male protagonist. WALL-E: Male protagonist. Up: Male protagonist. Toy Story 3: Male protagonist. Cars 2: Male protagonist. Now we have Brave, Pixar’s first foray into the wild, scary world of boobs. That’s not

cause for concern in and of itself. No, this move gets ruined if the female protagonist, Merida, suddenly has to rely on stupid, smelly boys to get good at kicking ass. It’s troublesome enough that Pixar has pumped out movies for seventeen years without once having a female lead, but to finally do it just to have this ginger girl relying on aid from dudes would totally nullify whatever progress they’re trying to make. You know, girl power or something.

rock of ages

Stacee Jaxx, played by mythical leprechaun Tom Cruise, busts out a bitchin’ guitar solo rendition of “Top Gun Anthem” when one of his band members dies of a heroin overdose.

ted Teddy bear-come to-life Ted turns out to be the reincarnation of Osama bin Laden. Upon discovering this, Mark Wahlberg’s character, John, teddy bear tickle tortures Ted before burying him alive in his back yard.

Show Us Your Booze! : Cinco de Mayo Edition

show us your booze! cinco de mayo edition

burrito loco is where you want to be! Tuesday: Order a mug of beer, or any 16oz mixed rail drink, and get three free hard-shell beef or veggie tacos!

thursday: Order a pitcher of beer or margaritas and get a free plate of nachos!

friday: Order a pitcher of beer or margaritas and get free sizzling fajitas! 418 13th AVE. SE | DINKYTOWN 612.746.5626 BURRITO-LOCO.COM

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