UMN - 10/12/11 - v01i01 by The Black Sheep

Volume 1, Issue 1 | 10/13/11 - 10/27/11 | theblacksheeponline.com

Fre e roo...like mm clo ate the 's c s in los yo et ur !

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Minnesota, Will You Marry Me? The University of Minnesota is the best place in the world, plain and simple. Everybody here brings something to the table, unless they’re passed out under it. We all love UM, and love is a big word. I mean, just look at the University of Minnesota. Look at her hard, like she’s some random person on campus that you’ve been trying to pick up since you moved back from your summer internship. Gaze deep into her eyes and soak up all of her magic. She may even be “the one.” The first time you met her the only thing you could think about wasn’t her crazy and diverse personality, it was that hot body. Wisconsin and North Dakota State don’t even compare to the smoking piece of Gopher ass that is UM. She’s just so obviously attractive. She’s not someone that you would bring home to meet mommy and daddy for a Sunday brunch after church. No, they’d immediately know something was up. However, before you get to know lovely Minnesota on a personal level, you need to dig deep and accept her for who she really is. One must be open minded, figuratively and literally, when it comes to getting to know her. She’s covered with piercings, plaid, boat shoes, afro picks and booty shorts. Not everybody is into this eccentric combination, but that’s okay because UM doesn’t give a shit about what other people think. Okay, but let’s be honest, sometimes the University of Minnesota thinks it’s necessary to act like a kooky misfit, doodling in her sketchbook in the park and smoking menthols to look like she’s eccentric. Sometimes she may even ride incredibly slowly on her longboard listening to dubstep and chugging on her leftover

Other stuff

Inside

04: The "faux" beer taste test see what happens when we swap real beer for fake...

PBR from a frat party. Still, it’s her purposefully odd nature that makes UM so appealing. Now, Minnesota may be hot (and cold), but she also has depth as well. She understands that it’s okay to be a bitch or a slut as long as that only makes up a tiny percentage of who she is. She enjoys having a large variety of friends including, but not limited to businessmen, animal rights activists, religiously intolerant preachers, engineers, crazy artists, athletes and doctors. UM prides herself in her eclectic group of companions. Not only is she friends with all of these types of people, but she also takes the time to be actively involved in all of her friends’ endeavors. She’s good enough to teach her pals how to do something, she can help them in their business, defend them in the courtroom and still have enough time left over at the end of the day to check out a The Hold Steady show before waking up the next morning to participate in a big-time conference sporting event held in one of the most vibrant cities in America. Yeah, executive boards all over the country have recognized that she has an overwhelming amount of originality, creativity and independent thought constantly brewing up inside her beautiful little head. UM doesn’t want to be like other people she sees. She wants to stand out and say “Screw you” to all of those people who are too average to accept her for her differences. And, after a hard day, all she really wants to do is hit the bar for 2-for-$1 PBRs and watch some Monday Night Football. After all is said and done, the only thing you can really do is continue gazing into those golden eyes and say, “Minnesota, will you marry me?”

06: oh, minnesota sports

did anyone think it would really be this bad?

13: the black sheep interviews:

dan whitford from cut copy

Table of 09

contents

10 07

p4: the top ten Things you'll see on a night out in Dinkytown P5: Party pics Don't remember dancing on the bar Friday night? We do!

P10: bartender of the week Hey Shia Labeouf, Michael wants to talk to you for a minute...

P11: if bdubs flavors were movies... Hollywood is out of ideas, p7: how to be a pro pooper so we step in and help... in the dorms Hey, it gets weird for every- P12: the 14th minute one...we aren't judging. These famous people make us look like Britney Spears. P9: what your computer history says about you P15: Madlib: worst class After reading this article, ever we think you'll be doing Not unlike the class you're some deleting! currently sitting in, right?

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! s m a r g a n A y Sex

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Word of the week Internshit:

Air Citric Chins

A Relaxed Drags Narks

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Definition: Any internship in which the primary responsibility of the intern is to get coffee.

Sentence: â&#x20AC;&#x153;I thought I'd be designing clothes for the Kardashian Kollection but all I do is run to Starbucks during this damn internshit."

THe top ten things to See on a Dinkytown Night We all love the 2 –hour window between midnight and 2 a.m. when drunkies get hungry and stumble into Dinkytown for greasy deliciousness. When you stuff so many drunks in two square blocks you’re destined to see some crazy shit. 10. The Mesa Pizza Line: An iconic destination known for the armada of freshman and those suffering from nostalgia. What other place has to bust out steel railings to control the flood of smashed students trying to form a line at 1 a.m.? The pizza is good, the price is reasonable but the atmosphere is one of a kind.

the "faux" beer effect

secret tester wrote this

WARNING: Subjects of this experiment may be angered by its results. Treat with extreme caution. Hypothesis: Drinking fake beer will have subjects pretend to be drunken idiots. Being in college, we see beer everywhere we go. You have your mainstream beers like Miller Lite, Coors Light, PBR, etc., and then you run into some awesome micro-brews as well. However, one type of “beer” that is always present when I go to buy some booze is “O’Douls,” along with other brands of the non-alcoholic variety. Out of sheer curiosity and as a result of perhaps a little too much time on my hands, I set out this semester to test whether or not the average college student would realize if they were drinking non-alcoholic beer as opposed to the real deal. How would they act during the experiment? What would be their reaction when they learned the truth? I was more than willing to risk some insults, so I bought 60 of the substitute beverages and waited for the best opportunity to strike.

would suggest that not only are men perceptive of beer’s taste, they are honest about its effect on them. Boys will more willingly admit that they are not drunk, and don’t fake it just to fit in with the rest of the partyers. The same, sadly, cannot be said of the women. By about the 10th “beer,” the female subjects were dancing like fools, slurring their words, and appeared, to all who were unaware of the experiment, shitfaced. As the night drew to a close, we took them aside and explained to them that they had in fact drank more non-alcoholic beer than any known person to date, therefore their actions were totally an act. As you can imagine, they were pretty pissed off and embarrassed. (“I thought we were friends!!?!?!) But by the next morning, they told everyone about the joke and laughed about how stupid they must have been. They still probably won’t come to my next party. Results: Boys rule, girls drool? Not really, but kind of. Based on our experiment, it would seem that girls are much more concerned with blending in with the mood of the party (SHOCKER), even if that means completely faking intoxication. How many times have girls been seen dumping out cups when they don’t want to drink anymore and are too embarrassed to say so? Bringing a cup into the bathroom with you alone is a signature move. It could also be theorized that there is a sort of placebo effect at work, making the drinker believe they are getting drunk just because that is what they assume the drink is meant to do. It works with medicine, so why not with nonalcoholic beer? One of the girls even said that she could tell she wasn’t being affected normally by the drinks, but just assumed that her tolerance had gone up, or it was because she had eaten a lot that day. Whatever the case, the girls lost in this game of dignity.

"Why did they feel so full of beer and yet so devoid of its beloved effects? It’s a college bro’s worst nightmare."

Procedure: Throw party, select unfortunate test subjects, exploit them shamelessly for sake of experiment (and this article). Finally, one weekend in early October, my sister and I decided to have a small party at our house and watch as four of our unsuspecting friends were duped by our slightly heartless trick. We had previously selected two boys and two girls, all over the age of 21, who attend our school. Knowing this background information, we figured that they should be pretty well acquainted with beer. We let another one of our friends in on the joke, the one who was playing bartender, to keep count of their consumption and to ensure that these poor schlubs drank nothing but the “fake” beers. Data: Unfortunately, a stain upon the female sex. After consuming about 12 of these concoctions each, the male test subjects began to suspect that something was terribly wrong. They should be feeling at least buzzed by now, and they were pretty mad that they didn’t. Why did they feel so full of beer and yet so devoid of its beloved effects? It’s a college bro’s worst nightmare. One of them eventually approached my sister and she told them of the prank, only after ensuring they would not alert the girls. The evidence

The moral of this experiment is simple: The next time you’re at a party and you have had beer after beer and feel nothing but absurdly full, you should probably confront your host. Otherwise, you will wind up embarrassed and cursing at your friends. And who wants that when they can’t blame it on being drunk?

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9. The Funky Rock Band: What better way to make a buck than to jam with your friends while people watching folk among the sloppy crowd that’s digging every note you play? These guys have the right attitude. They’re even stepping their game up, last weekend the amps were brought out and a saxophone player added some funk to the party. 8. The Curveball: Even the most experienced senior will still run into a few surprises they’ve never seen in Dinkytown before. Just last week some dude in a panda suit wandered aimlessly amongst the crowd, and a couple months ago a fetish ball was held at the Varsity Theater. It’s the unexpected that keeps the beast that is Dinkytown irresistible. 7. The Drunk, Emotional, “He’s Such a Dick, I Deserve So Much Better” Crying on the Curb Girl: Guess we kind of gave it away with the title there, but this babbling broad will surely be accompanied by a friend agreeing with everything she says, no matter how ridiculous it may be. 6. The Fight: Here’s how it goes down, two guys flooded with whiskey and testosterone look at each other wrong, then the barking begins. This’ll last for a good five minutes, with a mesh of mainstream curses and insults thrown back and forth. If you’re lucky, you’ll actually get to see those dudes fight instead of their friends “holdin’ me back” as they walk away. But if you do see some punches, savor it, because you only have about 12 seconds before the cops come and ruin the fun. 5. The Awkward Acquaintance: You know that guy that you borrowed a pen from in math class? The one you toss a subtle nod to as you see each other in the hallways? If it’s a typical Friday night, you guys will turn into best friends, developing a sweet handshake and a promise to “for sure” hang out sometime. 4. The Puker: Hopefully you catch this guy early and pull off a pre-emptive withdrawal from their splash zone. You can tell from the half-closed eyes, ping-ponging off walls and street lights, and the barely-intelligible toddler speech. 3. The McDonald’s Mosh Pit: As people crowd in for unrestricted bathroom use and cheap burgers, the place actually has bouncers to kick loiterers out of the restaurant. 2. The Detox Drunkie: Always a sad sight to see. As people surround the facedown partier, we all think, “Oh I remember those nights.” Well no, you don’t remember the night; you just remember the embarrassment you felt the next day. 1. The PDA couple: Side of the building, middle of the sidewalk, right next to you in line. Beware; these two will strike with no remorse.

michael wrote this

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SHOUT OUTS! Hey Jeremy, remember that one time you thought the “F” in “DTF” stood for Frisbee? Keep asking the girls! -Mike Dear Bruce: We didn't make out cus you have stuff in your teeth. Dear drunky despite popular belief, mouthing “let’s go upstairs and screw” is not the best tactic Neighbors, quit calling the cops on us, sorry we party Karen E. is the only person on campus who requires a leash Caitlyn S. Dearest, darlingest roommate. I don't care that you keep bringing him home. But if you're going to fall asleep snuggling, at least admit you're dating. Love, sick to death of drama. Anthony - If you tell anyone my natural color, I'll kill you. - Hannah Shout out to all the people that can see me naked through my window! Dear Roomie. When I am sick, please do not wake me at 1 am to have another inane phone call with your boyfriend. Also, if I passively aggressively wake up and play tetris, it is a point- not permission to skype him and talk to his cat. Sincerely, WTF Wait...Jake...you're not an alum and you can't give me a summer internship? Dammit. - Sarah Boy from Nicks - what's your name again? And can I have my bra back, please? SEND INYOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

Minnesota: The Mecca of Sporting Failure.

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michael wrote this

Is this weather leaving you in need of some consistency in your life? Your only sure thing in life is one click of the remote away! Turn to ANY Minnesota sports team (minus the Lynx-but come on…) and you will see a consistent struggle, a choke waiting to happen, an embarrassment. But that’s obvious, we all know this. I’m here to let you know which team has it the worst. Which team has absolutely no hope to fill the empty void on their ring finger. First off, the beloved Minnesota Twins: Just one year after a magical season spent rolling out Target Field, the Twinkies carried the “annual Yankee crushing” hangover to their second year in the new digs. Sure, you could blame the injuries throughout the year, but what can explain the 4-10 start with no players on the IR? Pitchers struggled throughout the season, unable to bring in any free agents or trades for a rescue mission. I wonder why we couldn’t afford any. Maybe we could visit the bench and ask ole’ Joe Mauer. Maybe Justin Morneau can remember why the Twins suck (probably not). But hey, if Justin and Joe get healthy, who knows what’ll happen, and a bit of recovery, and an actual championship within the last century to boast about, the Twins are not the worst off. Next, The Minnesota Golden Gophers Football Team: Another team that has treated their new stadium with a rate of return worse than American Airlines. With a rotation of wide receivers and a freshman at quarterback the Gophers are once again destined to be a Big Ten bottom-feeding embarrassment. But again, with some championships in the past and Jerry Kill at the helm, who knows, maybe the Gophers can step it up and win three Big Ten games. The Minnesota Timberwolves: Ugh. We can’t even be the worst team in the right sport. At least in any other sport a league-worst record guarantees you first pick in the next year’s draft. But nope, the Timberwolves instead choose to lose 65 out of 82 games and wait to get screwed over by the “lottery,” which magically lets the

sob story get first pick every year. But hey, the only way the Wolves can go is up right? With Ricky Rubio finally coming to Minnesota and Kevin Love being an animal on the boards, the Timberwolves have a chance at not being the league’s worst team, assuming David Stern lets them have a season. The Minnesota Vikings: I think we all knew the Vikes would be Minnesota's most futile franchise. Not in our heads, but in our hearts. We all remember the 1998 NFC Championship game (damn) and more recently Brett Favre’s classic gunslinger heartbreaker. Even the older folk remember the Purple People Eaters losing four Super Bowls of the 70s. Who back in the 70s would have thought that the curse would continue for another 40 years? Anyone that thinks Donavan McNabb can lead a team to the playoffs still thinks that Darko Milicic (Shout out to the T-wolves giving him $20 million!) deserved to be drafted before Dwayne Wade and Carmelo Anthony. In all honesty, there is only so much Adrian Peterson and Percy Harvin can do for a team. Everyone else is getting old, and if by some god-given miracle we do find a way to win, wait for the ghosts of chokings past to strike and make all things right again in the universe. Yours truly, a depressed fan…

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How To: Be a Pro Pooper in the Dorms

The moment I realized that I was officially a college student wasn’t during my first big exam, it wasn’t while getting kicked out of my first bar [Editor’s Note: nothing beats that first time being escorted out], and it wasn’t even when I had my first pregnancy scare. It was the first time that I had to take a poop in the dorms. And that was only about thirty minutes after I moved in. You can imagine the emotional — and physical — toll this put on my body. My parents had just taken off, and I was left alone to conquer and destroy the public bathrooms. I mean, new students and their parents were everywhere! What would they think of me? Would they consider me classless for pooping on the first night? My cheeks clenched at the prospect of it all. I bet that’s still how all you freshmen feel right now, reading this, not having pooped for weeks because of your overwhelming fear of dorm bathrooms. Your system is probably so backed up that a mere sneeze will send fecal matter flying out of your ears. But now, you can finally feel relieved, because I have the answer to all of your poopin’ problems. Fear not, my constipated friends, because becoming a pooping professional is easier than you’d think! Poop at odd hours: Most people can’t just decide to take a crap whenever the heck they feel like it. For most of us, it’s a sneak attack, like your parents walking in on you masturbating. However, there are a select few freaks out there that can somehow hold their bowels together until just the right moment. If you’re one of those people, set the alarm for 4:00AM and do the deed while everyone else is sleeping. There might be a few stragglers in the bathroom, but they’re most likely drunk/high/sleepwalking and have no idea what’s going on anyway. Now you can sit back, relax, and drop some quality deuces in peace. Blame it on someone else: Pooping at odd hours is a little extreme, and it’s definitely not for everyone. But you know what is for everyone? Blaming everything on someone else! If you end up eating one too many fajitas in the cafeteria and release

a real toilet wrecker, stinking up the entire floor, you just blame the whole ordeal on another person. Preferably the quiet one on the floor: they’re more vulnerable and less likely to try and defend themselves. Be crafty with various devices: Hand dryers are a chronic potty-shy person’s best friend. One of the most devastating moments in life is when you hear that “ker-plunk”, and you know everyone else in the bathroom heard it too. Then you have to do the walk of shame out of the stall — the worst. When you feel a poop a-brewin’, you turn on the hand dryer before you go in. They’re pretty loud, and actually last a decently long time if you play your poop cards right. Or, you can bring your hair dryer in the bathroom and leave that on, but that’s a little more obvious. You’re trying to be sly here, people. You can also not give a shit: I remember my high school biology teacher reading us a children’s book called Everybody Poops. It was weird at the time, but now I realize that she read us this book not because she was trying to give an easy lesson on human functions, but because she wanted to prepare us for college. Hey, kids, everybody poops! Yes, everybody, even good-looking people. And trust me, come two to three months from now, nobody will care that you just clogged the toilet in the handicapped stall. And no one will think it’s weird when they see you carrying Febreeze and a box of matches to the bathroom. So don’t be afraid to unleash some dragons while you’re using the good ole’ public bathrooms. In fact, it will soon turn into a bonding conversation between you and your floormates. Now that you don’t have the comfort of sitting on your own throne, the same throne you’ve been pooping on since before you were able to control your own bowel movements, you’re going to have to adjust your bum to some new sets of porcelain. Well, I’m pretty sure the toilets in the dorms are made out of plexi-glass, but that’s not the point, dammit. Hopefully this makes you realize that public poops are actually pretty easy to master. Happy pooping, everyone!

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What Your Computer History Says About You I think it would be safe to assume that everyone on campus has access to a computer. I’m also pretty sure that many of these computers have search histories, which could reveal some pretty sensitive things. For instance, go into your computer and open up your web browser to find your history. Start writing down your most common searches or sites. If you haven’t already gotten side tracked to Facebook, then let’s see what your search history has to say about you. The Regular College Student Web history includes: UMN, Google, Netflix, ESPN These are the kind of searches that you would see in just about every college student’s computer. Nothing too extreme or bizarre here, you’re just another run-of-the-mill academic. If that’s okay with you then continue checking your email, going to the library, and being totally normal. There is nothing wrong with being average, unless that also happens to be your penis size. The Facebook Creeper Web history includes: Other peoples Facebook profiles. You’re that person who innocently got on Facebook because everyone else had one, but then you realized that you could read other people’s posts, conservations, plans, email addresses, birthdays, phone numbers, dating habits, and maybe even social security number. Now you spend the entirety of your free time refreshing your newsfeed hoping that Rhonda Biggtits will post new pictures for you to click your way through. If I haven’t made my thoughts clear enough already, here I go: stop being a creep and watch some real porn already. The Dirty GIRL Web history includes: WebMD, Vagasil, PlanB, Monistat coupons. I don’t even want to know where you’ve been. I bet you’re the kind of person who would lower your panties (even

though you probably aren’t wearing any) behind a dumpster so someone could plow you from behind. If you go back into your history and find this sort of situation going on then you might want to go to the doctor to check your situation down there. That One Creepy Guy Web history includes: PORN, ASIAN PORN, XXX, GIRL ON GIRL, MORE PORN. You are probably the guy that is going to get arthritis by the time you graduate due to your incessant wanking. All I have to say is either get a hobby or find a girl like the one described above because you two could potentially make each other very happy. The Partier Web history includes: Drink specials, hangover remedies, tattoo removal, theblacksheeponline.com Did you go out last night? The night before that? Even the night before that?!? I see you are the kind of student that likes to go out every night and live every moment to its fullest. Well, if the Mayans were right, then we only have a year left, so keep on throwing your life away! Less thinkin, more drinkin! The Frat Guy Web history includes: How to be a better bro, bro puns, naked (wo)men. Hey you’re my broski, brah! Let me applaud you on reading a newspaper! That’s bro-tastic! Make sure you tell all your brothers back at the house about your achievement today. Play your cards right and you can turn those congratulatory high fives into congratulatory ass slaps… but you already knew that. No homo… well maybe a little, bro. The Nerd Web history includes: Linux, Star Trek, torrents, binary,

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female anatomy. Let me guess, you probably would rather watch a documentary on how alcohol is made than drink it. Well, even though you may be a nerd now, you’re going to be successful as hell in the future. Who’s laughing then?! Definitely not me... my degree in rocket science is only going to take me as far as the unemployment line. Well, it would seem we’ve all learned a little something here today. What’s that you’re doing now? Oh, you’re clearing your web history?… Yeah, me too.

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Issue

dl i e S l e a h c i M and Grill canopy club ub Blarneys P

Status: Single Favorite Drink: Stoli Blueberry Press Porn Name: Robert Oklahoma Personal Theme Song: Milkshake - Kelis Life Motto: “I’m not a role model” Favorite Pick Up Line: “We’re gonna have sex tonight.” Dream Date: Katy Perry Have you ever hooked up with an employee?: “We’re gonna say no.” Funniest Thing You Have Seen on the Job : “When the Sailor Jerry girls fell down the stairs

with an entire tray of drinks..it was great.” Weirdest Place You Have Hooked Up: Back of a taxi cab Turn Offs: Stupid girls Celebrity You Want to Beat Up: Shia Labeouf Favorite song to karaoke to?: Heat of the Moment - Asia Weirdest place you have thrown up? In my neighbor’s front yard. Best Shot Recipe: A Bee StingWild Turkey American Honey, Baileys. Kahlua and Coke

recipe for disaster:

drinking game:

random “That’s sor random!” as Ja’mie from Summer Heights High might say about this here drinking game. But you’ll get wicked tipsy, and all of the Grade 11 guys will think you’re the hottest girl in public school, so you should definitely play this. What You Need: A whole bunch of random hotties, liquor, some sense of the English vocabulary. Number of Players: Three or more. Intoxication Level: Sorrrrr drunk, you don’t even know. How to Play: - The first person to start names a totally random object, like “penis.” -The next person has to say a word that is totally unrelated. For example, if they said “sweaters” they would be safe, and the next person would go. If they said “dildo” they’d have to take a shot. - The game is fast paced, so shots are taken while the next person goes, though they have to start with a brand new word. The Game Ends When: Everyone starts arguing about the intricacies of the English language and how an idea is an object if you examine it with the right philosophical eye, like how the idea of government economic control is a tangible thing. It’s going to get… drunken. And random.

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Snickers Toast

Sure, there’s probably something open at this hour that’ll have a magical aisle full of potent, sugar-laden treats. It’s a block away though, and it’s stupid to walk that far. What You’ll Need: Bread, Nutella, crunchy peanut butter. Cook Time: There’s not really any cooking involved. Fatty Factor: Not great, but it could seriously be worse. Let’s Get Baked: -Um, get out all of the ingredients. -Apply the crunchy peanut butter to the bread. -Do the same thing with the Nutella. -You’re done here, unless… -Let’s get freaky with it. Do you want a Snickers ice cream sandwich? Slap some ice cream on that bitch. -Want a Snickers Almond? Chop up some almonds and put them on that bread. -Oh man, enjoy. Sometimes you just gotta enjoy the simple things in life. Nothing big here, unless you’re big on flavor. Am I right?

If B-Dubs Flavors Were Movies! Everyone loves the delicious God-touched taste of Buffalo Wild Wings. A plethora of sauce choices stand before every patron who enters this institution’s hallowed doors. Ranging from the weak sauce (Sweet BBQ) to the “Why? Oh god, why!?” spicy sauce (Blazin’), there truly is something for everybody. Since the flavors are so well devised, wouldn’t one naturally think that movies based off these flavors would be similarly delicious? Well, I did. Here’s what I came up with. Parmesan Garlic Martin Scorsese directs this gangster flick starring Steve Buscemi as a cold-hearted killer with a penchant for cooking. Can he sell his secret sauce and get out of the mob racket? Watch to find out what kind of wacky work Buscemi got himself into! Honey BBQ Mariah Carey stars in this rom-com about a down-on-her-luck barbecue chef who falls in love with the cranky IRS auditor that’s taking a closer look at her business. What wacky adventures will unfold? Well, we got three words for you: Dogs. Driving. Cars. Medium Gwyneth Paltrow stars in a moderately spicy comedy about a sexually liberated woman who can communicate with the dead. Hilarity ensues as her deceased father, played by Harrison Ford, continually finds his way into her head…and her bedroom! “Honey, a fry cook? Really? You’re killing me again.” Asian Zing Lucy Liu and the guy from Harold and Kumar, John Cho, team up for some Kung Fu action. In the streets of Chinatown, no one is safe from villain Gerard Butler’s gangster ring of poisonous fake Louis Vuitton and Rolexes. It’s up to trained martial arts vixen Liu and meek office clerk Cho to karate chop him into submission! Caribbean Jerk Tyler Perry introduces a new character: Sunny Marley. Sunny is a Jamaican immigrant with a guitar who continuously comes up with songs that consist purely of “Yo mama” jokes. Through family, fun, and yes, food, Sunny learns the value of lyrics that don’t consist purely of “Yo mama” jokes and people are reminded as to why they hate Tyler Perry so much, yet again.

Hot Megan Fox is queen of her campus in this college comedy romp. A 4.0, perfect hair, and an accessory Chihuahua make Fox the hottest girl in school. After her breakup with heartthrob Ryan Gosling, it’s up to engineering major and major nerd Daniel Radcliffe to find out what magic will seduce her in his newest non-Harry Potter role. Wild In the wake of her death by overdose, this biographical documentary will examine the tragedy of Amy Winehouse’s life. The story will not shock anyone, just as nobody is shocked to find their lips burning after eating a wing coated in this sauce. Blazin’ Judd Apatow directs this funny flick about a modern day Bonnie and Clyde who act more like Cheech and Chong. Seth Rogan and Amy Poehler are the infamous couple who rob banks with both guns and doobies as they blaze the trail to buku bucks. You don’t want to miss this one! That’s all for now, folks. Keep your eyes peeled the next five to ten years to see if any of these movies hit the big screen! And if nothing else, hit up Buffalo Wild Wings and enjoy some of their chicken deliciousness as you come up with your own spicy spinoffs.

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h t 4 1 Minute!

Leonardo DiCaprio is world-famous for acting in some of the best films of the last decade. Hillary Clinton is famous because she’s the most powerful woman in the world. A small Senegalese child knows LeBron James because he can jump out of a building in a single bound. But what about the rest? In this era of celebrity culture there’s too many people famous for…what exactly? To see if we could pin these pretenders we looked at celebrity gossip websites to find people we couldn’t identify, then we tried to identify what made them worthy of the limelight. By: Brendan

Kim Delaney We Think She’s Famous For: Being T-Mobile’s ad spokeswoman when flip phones were still the cat’s pajamas, as folk were wont to say in 1996. Why She’s Actually Famous: This actress has been on a bunch of relatively popular TV shows, like Army Wives, The O.C. and N.Y.P.D. Blue. Recently, though, she made headlines for giving a speech in front of a bunch of military folk…drunk. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: A wonderful land called Denial, where your third and fourth stints in alcohol rehab mean you get comp’ed your fifth check-in.

Joe Manganiello We Think He’s Famous For: Being a club promoter in Scottsdale, Arizona. There’s rumored to be pictures of him snorting coke off of Lindsey Lohan’s tits. Why He’s Actually Famous: Joe plays werewolf Alcide Herveaux on HBO’s True Blood, because being tall, ripped and handsome is a prerequisite for being a werewolf. Nerds have nothing to worry about. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: He’ll be starring opposite Bradley Cooper in a summer bromance movie called Hairy Waves.

Brenda Song We Think She’s Famous For: Song is the Rebecca Black of Thailand, where her hit, “Only 20 Hours of Work Today!” propelled her to superstardom. Why She’s Actually Famous: Being a huge hit on the Disney Channel, most notably as London Tipton on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: In a bathtub full of money, laughing and sipping champagne while screaming out, “Sweatshop profiteering is the best!”

Michaele Salahi We Think She’s Famous For: A early-90s criminal case that saw her spend 12 years in jail after sleeping with one of her 14-year-old students. Basically, she looks like a hot teacher. Why She’s Actually Famous: Besides having an impossible-to-spell name, Salahi is best known for her role on The Real Housewives of D.C. In 2009 she made waves for crashing a White House party, and made headlines a few weeks ago by leaving her husband for Neal Schon, the guitarist for Journey. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Back in her plastic surgeon’s office, getting an estimate on how much it would cost to give her facelift a facelift.

Austin Butler We Think He’s Famous For: Being exactly what the Nazis had in mind when they started their eugenics program. Why He’s Actually Famous: Butler is known for his work in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide and High School Musical spinoff Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: On the secret Nazi moon base, preparing to exact revenge for the historically tragic death of his biological father, Adolf Hitler.

Imogen Thomas We Think She’s Famous For: By the looks of it, she’s a recent recipient of a MacArthur Genius Grant for the work she’s done in the field of advanced particle physics. Why She’s Actually Famous: Thomas is known for her 3-month stay on British reality show Big Brother, and her two big sisters. By “sisters” we mean “tits.” Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Thomas will be the Queen of the Island of Misfit Floozies, which is actually a couple miles off of the southern tip of Florida.

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Dan Whitford of Cut Copy

the interview

The Black Sheep: So you’ve been playing electronic music since 2001. How has the electronic music scene changed since? Dan Whitford: Like anything, music’s kind of a slave to fashion and trend as much as any art form. To me, it feels like electronic music has been welcomed more as a mainstream form of music at the start of 2000. I’d guess partly because we had come out of an era of music where sort of indie stuff was really what all the cool kids were into, and anything with synthesizers kind of went a little bit into a niche world for a while there. I felt like dance music and guitar based music were very separate things and I guess that was sort of the mission statement of what Cut Copy was about, being passionate about both pop music, guitar based indie music or whatever you want to call it and also being really inspired by synth based stuff, and club and dance records. So, I think over that period of time those things have come together very much and it’s interesting that there’s the whole scene in the States now based around Pitchfork and stuff put online by sites like that. We like both parts of that music equally and use them interchangeably, and it feels like our mission statement has been fulfilled in a lot of ways. TBS: You guys do have such a great balance between using the synth samples and beats with the instruments that you play. Was it a natural collaboration of those two sounds? DW: It was tricky in a way because there really was no blueprint for that kind of combination. Finding a way to combine those things was the biggest challenge. For me it feels like fusion, one of the real dirty words in music, and I guess the idea of fusing synth and rock music probably could turn into something pretty bad. So thankfully we’ve found a really tasteful way of doing it and a way that was works for us and works for a lot of other people. It’s definitely not a mathematical operation, it very much goes by feel. TBS: Your music is super upbeat and fun to dance to, and it’s interesting because you’re from laid back Australia. Did that relaxed culture have an effect on the music you play now? DW: I think it has an effect on our personalities, I don’t know whether musically it did. Our music is a reflection of the music that we love. When I was starting out and being really passionate about music was about when The Avalanches were doing shows in Australia and just before they did their first album was when I first met them and came into contact with them, and I found their music really uplifting and inspiring and really upbeat as well. It almost felt like that sensation musically was something that I would like to express as well, in Cut Copy. In our own way, we felt like we were doing the same thing.

CD REVIEW

Out Now

Ryan adams Ashes & Fire

Lucky number 13 doesn't crash & burn At first glance, it’d be easy to take the new Ryan Adams album, Ashes & Fire, and say, “Wow, this is so boring and so slow; what happened to the Ryan Adams from Rock N Roll? And if he’s going to be slow, why can’t it be like the Ryan Adams of 29?” It’s too easy to be critical of him for when he’s not absolutely perfect, because he’s done such amazing music in the past. But with the death of The Cardinals bassist and the subsequent disbandment of the band, it’s no wonder his latest album has been quoted as, “a study in musical minimalism.” Translation: less is more, and Adams shows us that perfectly. After all, this is Ryan Adams thirteenth studio album, so it’s not like this 30-something doesn’t know what he’s doing. Even the title of the album is something interesting to ponder, preferably stoned and with other Ryan Adams’ enthusiasts; don’t ashes normally come after a fire? What does the reverse symbolize? Someone, discuss with me! But no matter what the title signifies, I personally think that Adams no longer making music with The Cardinals is a blessing in disguise. By himself, Adams is much more in control of the music and The Cardinals added a bit too much of that southern honky-tonk that I just can’t fucking stand. While this album is definitely very slow, very soft and very emotional, it’s great music. Sure, it’s not something you’d want to listen to

UPCOMING RELEASES

everyday, but would you want to watch The Shawshank Redemption everyday? No, but you can’t deny that it’s a great movie. This album holds its own with the music, but it’s the lyrics and themes that really take this album to a new level. The album starts off slower than the rest, and it starts to pick up midway through with “Chains of Love,” which alludes to a positive feeling of being tied to love, an awesome metaphor that show that being attached at the hip with someone you love isn’t such a bad thing. In the song “Lucky Now,” Adams sings about growing up and forgetting his past (aw, old people), but apparently still feeling lucky and okay about it; “I don’t remember / were we wild and young / all that faded into memory.” The next song, “I Love You But I Don’t Know What to Say,” ends the album on a really soft, really honest note that you can’t help but appreciate. While Ryan Adams has taken many steps away from the upbeat, high energy rock and roll of his past, he shows us that growing up isn’t so bad. He’s just using his indoor voice more often, with fewer heavy guitar solos. But what did we learn today? That’s right, less is more. Now, shhh. Sounds Like: Sappy, sappy, sappy, but wonderful. Download: Chains of Love, Lucky Now Listen to it When: You’re making out in the rain.

>>>

Noel Gallagher: High Flying Birds Chris Isaak: Beyond the Sun Jane's Addiction: The Great Escape Artist M83: Hurry Up, We're Dreaming

Puscifer: Conditions Of My Parole Drake: Take Care Michael Buble: Christmas Toby Keith: Clancy's Tavern

TBS: You mention that The Avalanches were a big inspiration for you. What else inspires your music? DW: I think it’s a unique combination of stuff, just being inspired by different areas of music, art, film, just different things across the board. A lot comes from bands that we love. For instance Talking Heads, we listened to a lot of Talking Heads in making Zonoscope. It’s just a bit of a patchwork of our experiences and things that we’re inspired by and hopefully just our viewpoint in reinterpreting all of these things ends up being something unique even if really, at the end of the day, we’re just music fans. TBS: Did you write the song “Need You Now” about somebody in particular? DW: One morning I sort of wrote the basis of that track, and had some synths and some keyboards and a drum machine and just kind of penned out the whole thing while I was waiting for Tim and Ben to meet me at my house. And in the few hours that I was waiting for them I ended up putting that track together and doing some quick vocals that sort of fit with it. And, essentially, the vocals were as it appears in the final track, I didn’t change the lyrics at all. So it wasn’t specifically written about someone, it just came off the top of my head that morning. But it fit so well, I couldn’t bring myself to change it. We tried a few alternatives but it just didn’t sound right. TBS: Man, that’s awesome. That’s such a good song, and it’s cool that it kind of came out of nowhere. DW: Yeah, and that’s one of the things I was worried about. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it’s a classic song but when you read about other people who’ve written classic songs often they say they do say it comes out of nowhere, or that the best songs happen really quickly and it’s almost as if it was meant to be. TBS: What else do you like to do when you aren’t playing music? DW: I like to get outdoors a bit, because I spend most of my time indoors when we’re touring. We have this thing we organized, before we started touring, where me, Mitchell and Ben from the band and various other musicians and DJs would play tennis against each other once a week. It got to the point that if there were touring bands or DJs that would be available, we’d get them to come down and play against us. TBS: What other bands have you guys gotten to play tennis with you? DW: We played against the guys from Franz Ferdinand when they were in Australia last, so that was pretty cool. TBS: Who won? DW: I think it was one set off, so we didn’t have a deciding set. They took the first set and we took the second, and I felt like we were going to come back and beat them, but it wasn’t on the scoreboard so it’s hard to say. TBS: Drink of choice? DW: These days I’ve been enjoying red wine before the show, I like a good Merlot. It’s nice, smooth, easy on the vocal cords and provides a good romantic, artistic vibe in the band room. Spirits can get you a little too wasted before the show.

Seek-n-Find! Can you find all 10 hidden items? If so, the first 10 people win a bottle opener, koozie, pen, or something else to make you happy! Hit us up at puzzles@theblacksheeponline.com and good luck!

Madlib: Worst Class Ever! 1) Class you are in. 2) Day of the week 3) Random daydream 4) Your name 5) Something hard to explain 6) Something specific to #5 7) Reason why you cut class 8) Unit of time 9) Person in class you like 10) That person’s gender 11) What you wanted to do to them 12) Something gross 13) Your best friend 14) Stupid question 15) Made-up sexual act 16) Stupid thing to buy 17) Article of clothing

( class time )

So there you are, sitting in ___1___ just like any other ___2___. You’re spacing out, dreaming of a ___3___ when all of a sudden the classroom falls silent. Everyone turns to look at you. The professor speaks up, “___4___ I asked you to explain ___5___, can you explain why ___6___?” And this is when it hits you, skipping last week’s lecture to ___7___ was a huge mistake. ___8___ later and you’re still silent. Now ___9___, the ___10___ you were hoping to ___11___ looks at you like you’re ___12___. All you can stammer out is, “I don’t know.” It gets worse, though. Now that you’ve proved your idiocy ___13___, your best friend, piles on. “Hey dude, ___14___? What’s the ___15___? How much does a ___16___ cost?” Everyone’s laughing at you, and you even wore ___17___ to class today.

scan the code, you’ll like it... Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. The content does not always reflect the views of the staff, it is for entertainment purposes only. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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