UMN - 11/2/1 - v01i02 by The Black Sheep

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Volume 1, Issue 2 | 11/03/11 - 11/16/11 | theblacksheeponline.com

The

Black Sheep

“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

a memo to the athletic department

luis guitart wrote this

To: Joel Maturi, Athletic Director From: Athletics Department Staff Subject: Ideas on how to blow $8.4 million Dear Joel Maturi, Our accountants just came back with our latest financial reports and found some good news. We discovered we have about an 8.4 million-dollar surplus in our budget this quarter. Now, we know you are busy and do not have a lot of time in thinking about long-term investments into our athletic programs, so we thought we would outline a few options for you. Build a legal and cover-up fund It’s time to get rid of our ‘Minnesota Nice’ attitude. Our athletics aren’t going to go anywhere if we keep playing by the rules. Now, Coach Tubby Smith may have gotten us on the right track with the whole ‘misrepresentation of authority’ lawsuit, but it cost us a million dollars and some pretty bad press. Yet, if we take the Tubby mentality we can start winning games around here. We just have to do it the right way. That is where a cover-up fund comes in handy. Take formerly stellar programs like USC, Miami, and Ohio State for example. These programs once played dirty, produced powerhouse teams and filled up trophy cases. They just made one fatal mistake: they let their cover-up funds dry up, and we all know what happened after that. So, here is out chance to learn from their mistakes. Let’s learn to cut corners and break some rules. We have 8.4 million to invest into it, now is our chance. Build a Roof over TCF Bank Stadium We know TCF Bank stadium is only three years old, but we feel a little renovation could make fans more comfortable at the game. Talking to students, we’ve heard that they get cold around the end of the first quarter. Fall weather is a bit nippy here in Minnesota, and after about an hour in the stadium, most folks’ booze

Other stuff

Inside

04: The Carlson Advantage Somehow, we just manage to be better than all you poor people.

blankets start wearing off. It gets worse as the season wears on. We get rain, and even sometimes snow. Nobody wants to be outside in those conditions, this isn’t Lambeau. What we were considering is maybe adding a roof to the top of the stadium. Even a nice little dome would be great. After all being outside just isn’t too fun. Speaking of which, if we go this route, we may need to change the whole ‘bringing Gopher football outdoors again’ campaign. Just a thought. Invest in successful programs such as cross-country and women’s soccer We’re obviously joking. Throw Jerry Kill a bone This is all about playing mind games. Look, lately Coach Kill has been stealing a lot of headlines. It’s time to make it look like we’re in control again. If we want to get back into the papers we need to make a big splash. The more ridiculous the stunt, the more likely it is covered. Looking like we are in control is important, because it motivates them team to do better. Remember when we gave Brewster the axe? Well, we won a couple more after that. It had nothing to do with the coach; it was just flexing our department’s arm that made people think we were a serious athletics program for a few games. We need that impact again. What we were thinking is throwing the entire budget surplus at Coach Kill. That’s right, writing him a check for the whole 8.4 million dollars. It is so out there, it just may work. There is no better time to double down, when our record is 1-6. That will be sure to make the headlines. Hey, maybe it will even help us beat Iowa. These are just a few options we have put on the table. We are confident you’ll pick the worst one. Regards, University of Minnesota Athletics Department Staff

06: i'm sorry for my tiny dog

it's okay, we are just as embarrassed for you...

13: the black sheep interviews:

das racist, who surprisingly, are not racist at all

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Word of the week Renthysezima:

Vain Oak Ark Noun

Jangle Ah All Key

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: A symptom of a low bank account caused by monthly rent payments, in which the patient is forced to buy alcohol of questionable taste, like Zima Sentence: â&#x20AC;&#x153;Dude, I have a bad case of Renthesezima. The $4 in my bank account is only enough for some Steel Reserve 211.â&#x20AC;?

THe top ten people you meet at the bars 10. The Fat Girl I hate to call her out right away, but it’s gotta be done. She’s the girl who came in freshman year, hit up Mesa Pizza twice a weekend, and never found time to visit the Rec Center. My advice? Run over, pull on those chipmunk cheeks of hers, and get her on the dance floor because baby got back... and a few rolls, which are always helpful after a night of heavy drinking. 9. The Call Out The one person that makes you roll your eyes with everything that comes out of their mouth. Always looking for a fight or a reason to show off in front of a crowd, they’ll flip shit if you accidentally spill a drop of your drink on their foot. Calm down, you party-foul-know-it-all. It’s just beer. Suck it up.

The Carlson Privilege

luis guitart wrote this

For thousands of years millions of children have been misinformed by their parents who told them they could be anything they wanted to be. For a few of us ‘chosen students’, it was the truth. We are known as Carlson Kids. We are the sons and daughters of sons and daughters of wealthy, hard-working people. Due to laws of trickledown economics, that wealth will soon be ours, which of course, will be multiplied by our Carlson degrees. Yet, despite our certain future successes, we must survive four horrid years among the human pigeons of this campus, with degrees like journalism and education. Ha, like that’s ever going to get you a BMW. What a waste. Thankfully, the faculty and friends of Carlson have provided us with a few perks which allow us to survive at this public university. Today, I write to inform my fellow entrepreneurs of these benefits, so that we can all make it through these years, and make it to the golden light at the end of this destitute tunnel.

“thanks Daddy” as you walk out the door, and it’s like your back in Edina again! Random Free Food: There’s no such thing as a free lunch, unless you’re in Carlson. Every day our atrium is graced with the nourishment of local favorite eating establishments. From Mesa to Chipotle, the restaurants know where to bring their goods. The managers of these eateries know that the best way to gain new customers is by marketing to the money. Although, I must credit these store managers (probably from St. Thomas) for their decision-making skills, if they had gone to Carlson they would be working at corporate. Nevertheless, the food is ours. For your best chance at free food, try to make it to the atrium around noon, or just attend one of the 100 college-sponsored club meetings and grab some grub there. You know how there’s that saying that the sun never sets on the British Empire. Well that Empire is ours, and the setting sun, well that’s an empty stomach. Eat up!

"Yet, despite our certain future successes, we must survive four horrid years among the human pigeons of this campus, with degrees like journalism and education. Ha, like that’s ever going to get you a BMW."

The B+ Average: Here at the ‘U’, the administration knows that we at Carlson are the best. In order to maintain this high regard, we have been equipped with a necessary tool to prove it, the ‘B+’ average. Now, while other students are restricted to the archaic traditions of a ‘C’ average, we at Carlson are elevated to the greater level we deserve. At Carlson we know that college is only a temporary institution holding us back from our true potential. We don’t have time to worry about studying and tests when we are working on making money. Do you know how long it takes to count to a million? Plus, we have to add in our bonus. Why waste time trying to earn a letter, when one can be more concerned with earning a number? We care about investing not testing, earning not learning. Free Printing: Whenever you’re homesick take a trip down to one of the Carlson computer labs. There you will find one of your favorite pastimes, not paying for things. Free printing is like online shopping. Enter your school ID as if it were Dad’s credit card. Then push the printer icon, imagining that it says confirm purchase. Soon enough, like magic, all your notes and papers come to you without effort, or even spending a cent. Just say

Carlson Starbucks: Like every worthy human, we at Carlson can’t start our day without a tall, skim, caramel macchiato, with extra whip, and no foam. Thankfully, for us, we have a Starbucks at Carlson. Don’t be alarmed by the Liberal Arts kids working behind the counter, they are an odd breed called hipsters. They may smell, but they don’t bite. Just make sure to leave a tip so they can buy a razor. Once you have your cup in hand, cross the hall and pick up your free copy of the New York Times Business Section so you can read up on things you pretend to care about. Every so often, make a reference to the words ‘liquidity’ or ‘futures’. It doesn’t matter what it means, because as the motto goes, it’s who you know, not what you know that gets you far in life. And one person we know is Curtis Carlson. So brothers, sisters, friends and colleagues of the Carlson School of Management, we must unite! And if you, reader, aren’t a member of this elite fraternity, did anyone from Carlson give you expressed written consent to read this article? No? Advert your eyes, please.

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8. The Couple They walk in together, dance together, drink together, leave together. I’m not hatin’ on a solid monogamous relationship here, but come on! Stop acting like leeches and give it a little space. If you came out tonight to Eskimo kiss and cuddle in the corner, you could have done that back in your apartment over a box of chocolates and a Netflix movie. Get the fuck out of my way. I’m here to drink. 7. The Picture-Taker She’s your own personal strobe light. She feels that she has to chronicle every event of the night because, let’s face it; she isn’t going to remember anything in the morning. She takes shots from all angles, chucking up deuces, making kissy faces, and eventually hands off the camera for a picture or two so she can get her whole rockin’ bod in it. Totes Facebook material. 6. The Blackout Glazed over eyes, sweaty skin, giddy smile, swaying back and forth like a human pendulum, and, of course, the mumbo-jumbo gibberish that they believe is English. There’s always one in every group of friends who goes a bit too hard. Keep at least a 15-foot radius because you don’t want to be in the danger zone when the projectile comes. 5. The Dancer A bar is a raging oasis of cute outfits, horny college kids, and vodka Sprites. With a little alcoholic confidence, you won’t be far from your own America’s Next Best Dance Crew throwdown. The dancer doesn’t give a shit about drama during the night, they’re just looking to grind on some hotties and hopefully get it in by the end of the night. (And they will) 4. The Birthday Girl She’s usually out with The Dancer and The Picture-Taker. You can hear them coming from miles away, like a trio of drunken jubilance. She usually has some cutesy little crown on or a pink sash draped across her honkers that are ready to burst out of their cage. Her goal for the night is simple: get trashed but keep it classy. Sorry honey but those words don’t mix. Enjoy your birthday shots! 3. The Creep This guy is always the thing you remember most about a night out. “Dude, did you see that guy grinding on Megan? He totally reeks of leftover tacos and piss.” He’s old, stinky, ugly, way too intoxicated, or just plain weird. You’ll spend at least 35% of your night watching this sicko make his move on every single girl at the bar. College entertainment at its finest. 2. The Slut There’s always one. Or three. About 95% of the girls that go to bars are just looking to wrangle up a decent looking guy so they don’t have to sleep alone. They wear their tightest skirts, sexiest heels, and most hooker-esque make-up. No doubt the boys will come a-runnin’. She means business so if you’re not gonna put out, you’re better off just leaving her alone. But then again, what guy is really gonna turn her down? 1. The Wing Man He’s easily the best person that you’ll ever meet out. All you ladies searching for your knight in shining armor, he’s your man. Next time, ignore the douchebag hitting on anything with tits that breathes and find this fella instead. Nice guys finish last, dude, but they do finish. You’ll get your day.

the best in

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s c i p y t r a p n e e w hallo #3: skeleton dude #2: loofah

#1: angry birds

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dear everyone: i apologize for having a tony dog In general, I love dogs. I love how loyal they are; I love their little wet noses; I love their fuzzy coats; and I am deeply jealous that they get away with pooping in public. I used to think that I loved all kinds of dogs; fuzzy, bald, friendly, rabid, snoop, bombsniffing, Big and Red, Blue and Clue-loving, Bounty Hunter, and even tiny dogs. I think this is because my only real previous experience with tiny dogs was facilitated entirely through Taco Bell commercials and the movie Legally Blonde (go to hell, it’s an entertaining movie). But then everything changed. I moved into an apartment with a girl. A girl with a tiny dog. A girl with a… (heaves deep sigh)…half-Pug, half-Chihuahua. The word ‘ugly’ does not begin to describe this dog. The words ‘grotesque,’ ‘unsettling,’ and ‘tragic’ are close, but the only way I can really make you understand what this dog is like is to simply apologize profusely for its existence. As if it wasn’t bad enough living with this six-pound insult to Mother Nature, I also have to walk him occasionally. In public. I certainly don’t do this out of love, mind you, but my roommate is actually a productive human so she doesn’t spend much time in the apartment. This means I have to make a daily choice between sacrificing my dignity by taking him outside, sacrificing my dignity by cleaning up his inevitable living room turds, or preserving my dignity by CUTTING HIM UP WITH A CHEF’S KNIFE AND LAUGHING AT MY ROOMMATE AS SHE WEEPS OVER HIS CORPSE!!! YES!!! Okay, I lost control there. I don’t like cleaning poop, and I give it at least another few weeks before I morally deteriorate to the point of animal murder, so that leaves me no choice other than to walk him. Normally walking a dog around campus is a great experience. People smile at you, they pet the dog, suggest casual sex, it’s really quite magical. Unfortunately, if walking normal dogs is like “Cinderella-turned-into-a-princess” magical, then walking Benny (its name) is like “Voldemort-just-moved-into-your-neighborhood” magical. When I walk Benny, people don’t smile at me. At best they stare vacantly through me trying to convince themselves that I’m not real, and at worst they glare right into my eyes as if to say “You MONSTER! What gives you the right to combine the DNA of a vampire bat and a martian and parade it around in MY town?” This happened to me the other day. I was walking Benny and a person stared at me for what had to have been 15 straight seconds before I finally mustered whatever pride I had

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left and said, in my manliest voice, “Can I help you?” Instead of responding, he sped up, most likely so that he could get home and research whether or not he just saw a real life Rattata. The best part is that this person was walking the same direction as me. He was literally 18 feet in front of me craning his neck just so that he could leer at me like I was riding a unicycle and firing multiple rounds out of a semi-automatic rifle. It’s experiences like this that make me want to get on a soap-box, hold a Universitysponsored press conference and say that I’m sorry to all of campus for exposing this creature to them. Unfortunately, I don’t have a soap-box, I have a newspaper. So here goes: I’m sorry, UMN, for living with this dog. I’m sorry that he looks like he was born from the stomach of a man who was recently abducted by aliens. I’m sorry that when he barks it sounds like a flock of crows that flew through, and snorted, a giant helium balloon. I’m sorry that I don’t clean his poop up after him. This is unrelated to how I feel about him as a dog; I’d just rather not pick up poop that isn’t my own. But most of all, I’m sorry that not all of you have had a chance to meet him. Because if there’s any way to bring a campus, or even a country, together it’s by introducing a common enemy (like the British), and watching everybody unite against it. Going by that theory, this dog has potential to bring peace to the world, but it will have to wait, because (and I’m sorry) I refuse to walk that thing past the end of the block.

now hiring See, you're so intrigued, you're reading this mysterious piece of content. Anyway, want to join our team and be a part of the funniest publication in town? We're looking for writers, marketers, and sales people, preferably those who know how to type well and are good at that new Facebook, it confuses us...a lot. Interested? Good, because you could end up on our team (but not your roommate, you know why...come on now).

Email us at UMN@theblacksheeponline.com!

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things you simply aren't...sorry!

So, remember in sixth grade when your English teacher told you that you could be whatever you wanted to be? She lied. Like, complete and utter bullshit. I hate to break the news to you, but it’s true. You cannot be whatever you want to be. If that was true, we’d all be LeBron James, or Mac Miller, or Emma Watson. We sure as hell would not be in college to get a degree. But truly, I’m overreaching. What I really want to address is those of you that think you are something so I’m going to lay down a few ground rules.

You’re an awesome Greek treasurer? Cool. Sorry, you are not an accountant. Collecting dues from Kim next door will not prepare you for a glamorous life filing tax forms, balancing budgets and being miserable. Sid, the greasy used car dealer won't be as warm and bubbly when you tell him he owes $100,000 in back taxes as Jessica is when you tell her she needs to pony up $38 of daddy's cold hard cash, otherwise she won't be able to drink herself into a blubbering mess at the next event.

If you own a Nikon CoolPix, this does not make you a photographer. And dammit, if you ask me to “like” your Facebook Fan Page one more time I’m going to show up on your door step and drop kick you. Oh, so your pops bought you a Cannon DSLR? But you only use the automatic settings? THEN YOU’RE STILL NOT A PHOTOGRAPHER. Stop making your friends pose awkwardly in front of our collegiate landmarks to “build your portfolio,” stop putting your name in fancy script at the bottom of the pictures you take, and for Pete’s sake, stay the HELL away from Picnik.

Oh, you were the one that painted that horrible mural downtown? You’re not an artist. Like at all. You probably got paid in beer and the enjoyment of “accidentally” smelling paint fumes all day. You spray paint cornhole boards, too!? Oh.Em. Gee. You’re obviously a full-fledged douchebag. If the only talent you have to con money from people involves taking a piece of plywood and making it look like a second grader’s finger painting—then you need to move back in with your parents and hide in the basement until you think of a viable career.

Speaking of Picnik, you’re also not a graphic designer! Nope, you’re not. I don’t even care if you paid full price (idiot, should’ve downloaded it) for CS5 and play in Illustrator all day drawing vector images of your dog. You’re still not a graphic designer. Nope. Not one bit. You suck. If you don’t suck, then prove it. But, my god, stop illegally taking pictures from real ESPN photographers of NFL Players and throwing some shit around their feet to make it look like lightning. Your “designs” are stupid and so are you.

Okay, rant over. If I crushed your dreams, I apologize for not being sorry—like at all. You needed it. If you read this and think “But I have 50 fans on Facebook, people love my work.” They don’t. They liked it so they can get a good laugh. That may have seemed harsh, so I’ll make you a deal. If someone commissions any of your work that is not your family, yet you still qualify for at least one of the above factors, I’ll give you a koozie, a tshirt, and $5…and then I’ll let you take my picture, Picnik the hell out of it, and then make it my profile picture for a month. You won’t.

We Got You Covered,

All Week Long!

Wednesday Thursday 2-4-1 Everything $2.50 LITs Behind the Bar $2 Coors Pints Live Music Karaoke Saturday: $3 U Call It Shots, $3 Domestic Bottles, DJ Kazaam

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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT THURS FRI

WEDNESDAY: 2-4-1 Everything Behind the Bar!

$2.50 LITs $2 Coors Lite Pints Karaoke!

$2 Michelob Golden $2.50 Rails Live Music

Tuesday: Hard Shell Taco Tuesday Birthday Night and Karaoke Drink free the week of your birthday (w/ 5 friends 21+)

November NFL Pro Bowl Weekends! Fridays & Saturdays: $3.50 Bud Light Nottles or 6 for $18 Bud Light bottles WIN Great prizes & 1 Grand Prize: 2 tickets to HAWAII, the NFL Pro Bowl & Air Too!

2-for-1’s Nacho Platters Live DJ

AUC2D* (All-U-Care-2-Drink) *(college or military ID for AUC2D) $6 AUC2D Domestic Taps $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Wells $1 O bombs $3 Jack Daniel’s & SoCo

Friday After Class (3-6p.m.) $1 pints, $1.50 margaritas Sizzling Fajita Platters

$2 Jäger, Cherry & O bombs $3.50 Bud Light Bottles 6 for $18 Bud Light Bottles (Nov. Only) $4 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $5 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands Late-Night Happy Hour (7-10PM) $4 Vodka/RedBulls, $3 Any pint, $3 Drinks, $2 Jäger, Cherry & O Bombs $17 Shipwreck & O-Face Fishbowls $2 Jäger, Cherry & O bombs $3.50 Bud Light Bottles 6 for $18 Bud Light Bottles (No Gamedays) $4 Bacardi Mixers $5 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands Late-Night Happy Hour (7-10PM) $4 Vodka/RedBulls, $3 Any pint, $3 Drinks, $2 Jäger, Cherry & O Bombs $17 Shipwreck & O-Face Fishbowls

SAT

$3 U Call It Shots $3 Domestic Bottles DJ Kazaam

Breakfast 10a.m-2p.m. Bloodies & Beer Pitchers of Jumbo Wings

SUN

$7.99 All-You-Can-Drink Mimosas $9 Buckets of Beer $2.50 PBR Tall Boys

Breakfast 10a.m-2p.m. Bloodies & Beer U Pick the Food Special (chimichangas, nachos, tacos, pitchers of wings)

open @ 11am for away games, 2hrs before kick-off for home pro football games

MON

$3 Coors Mugs $5 Double Jamo Ginger Open Mic Night!

2-for-1’s Chimichanga Night (that’s your burrito fried golden brown!)

$2.50 Well Mixers $5 Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud Light Beer Towers

TUES

South of the Border Night $3 Mexican Beers $3 Tequila Shots

Hard Shell Taco Tuesday Birthday Night and Karaoke Drink free the week of your birthday (w/ 5 friends 21+)

$3 U-call-it’s

Team Trivia with big prizes 29cent Jumbo Wings

15¢ Wings (9pm ‘til they’re gone) $8 Bottomless Mugs (Miller Lite, Wells, Captain Morgan, Bacardi) $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall boys”

WED

2-4-1 Everything Behind the Bar!

$3 U-Call-It’s $6 Bud Light Pitchers $11 Bud Light Beer Towers

The Bar Grid LEGENDARY WILD WEDNESDAYS "College ID Night" Power Hour: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles 10pm-11pm Free Drinks 11pm-Midnight $3 U-Call-It Midnight-Close $2.50 JAGs 10pm-Close $3 Burger Basket 4pm-Midnight

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday

SPECIAL NIGHT

NEVER GO THIRSTY THURSDAYS Power Hour 10PM to 11PM: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles 11PM to 1AM: $5 Bottomless Cup; 1st Cocktail $5, free refills 10PM to CLOSE: $2.50 RHSs $.30 Boneless Wings (4pm to Midnight)

1/2 Price Apps Ladies Drink Free 9pm-11pm

THURS

FIRED-UP FRIDAYS POWER HOUR 10PM to 11PM: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles 11PM to CLOSE: 1/2 Priced Drinks (Rails, Calls & Tier 1 & 2 Beers) 10PM to CLOSE: $4 Bombs

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm

FRI

2 FOR 1 SATURDAYS Power Hour 10PM to 11PM: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles 11PM to CLOSE: 2 for 1's on Everything 10PM to CLOSE: $2.50 Scooby Snacks

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm

SAT

S.I.N (service industry night) $1.50 Domestic Taps, Rails and $3.00 Jager Bombs 9-close

SUNDAYS FOOTBALL FREE BEER during 1Q of Noon, 3pm & 7pm NFL Games 11AM to CLOSE: $6, $8, $10 Pitcher Specials 10PM to CLOSE: Rock/Paper/Scissors for Drinks (Rails, Calls, Tier 1 & 2 Drafts) 10PM to CLOSE: $2 KAMIs

45 Cent Wings All Day

SUN

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its 99 cent taco's from 3-11 $1.50 Domestic Taps and Rail Drinks 9-close

MUG MONDAYS FREE BEER during 1Q of MNF GAME TIME to CLOSE: $3 Lite & Premo, $4 Hand Crafted, $5 Super Premium $2 Rails and $3 Calls, $2 Under Currents $.30 Buffalo Wings (4pm to Midnight)

2-4-1's All Day EVERYDAY, EVERYTHING 1/2 Price Burgers

MON

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its $2.50 Cheeseburger and Fries 3-11 $1.50 Domestic Bottles and Rails 9-close

TICK-TOCK TUESDAYS 10PM to 11PM: FREE DRINK HOUR 11PM to MIDNIGHT: $2 U-Call-It MIDNIGHT to CLOSE: $3 U-Call-It 10PM to CLOSE: $2 Klondike Bars Free Tacos 4pm-6pm

$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer! 7pm-9pm

TUES

White Trash Wednesday Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its Free bacon from 9pm till it's gone Food special- 25 cent wings 3-midnight $1 PBR and High Life Tall Boys $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-close

LEGENDARY WILD WEDNESDAYS "College ID Night" Power Hour: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles 10pm-11pm Free Drinks 11pm-Midnight $3 U-Call-It Midnight-Close $2.50 JAGs 10pm-Close $3 Burger Basket 4pm-Midnight

$1 Tacos 3pm-close

WED

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-11 $2.50 "U" Call Its $1 Domestic Taps and Rails $2 Import Taps 9-close Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-midnight $2.50 "U" Call Its $1.50 Miller Lite Taps $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-midnight $3.00 Long Islands 9-close Happy Hour: 3-midnight $2.50 "U" Call Its $1.50 Miller Lite Taps $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-midnight $3.00 Long Islands 9-close

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Bartender

of the

Issue

Jade

o Burrito Loc

Nick Name: Mom Age: 25 Status: Taken Major: Teaching “I Dare You” Recipe: Prairie Fire: Tequila and hot sauce Favorite Drink: Irish Car Bomb- Guinness, Jameson, Baileys Personal Theme Song: Jaded by Aerosmith Life Motto: Make tips not war. Favorite Pick-Up Line: “Do you know how much a polar

drinking game:

Shhhardines

What you need: Place to hide (ideal for house parties at a crib with many rooms or a lot of clutter), cases of beer, some oranges, a handle of Captain Morgan, and boat shoes. Number of players: 3 at least, although the more the merrier on this boat of fun! Intoxication level: You’ll be cursing and mumbling like a true sailor. Hopefully not looking like a creature from Pirates of the Caribbean, but we can’t make any promises. Hot messes very likely.

bear weighs? Enough to break the ice.” Have you ever hooked up with an employee? Hah, yes, I’m dating the bar manager. Funniest Thing You Have Seen on the Job: I once saw a girl pee her pants in the bar. Turn Ons: Dreadlocks Celebrity You Want to Hang With: Wee-Man from Jackass Celebrity You Want to Beat Up: Zooey Deschanel

recipe for disaster:

Panini Pizza

Sandwiches are delicious, as is pizza. Why not combine the two? Hey, it worked for the platypus, which is half duck half…uh…bad example.

What you need: Bread, pizza sauce, EVOO (extra virgin olive oil, this recipe is for the elite so we will use acronyms), cheese, salt, various ingredients on hand such as chicken wings, vegetables, mini hotdogs, etc. Cook time: 4 minutes or until your panini cooks it medium or so Fatty Factor: Varies based on how many bad things you decide to dabble with. If you’re trying to throw Twinkies and other hydrogenated oils into the panini machine, the lard count will be high.

How to play: - Place feet in circle and play “Bubble gum, bubble gum” until you successfully designate the main “sardine” fish. -The main sardine will then take the handle of Captain, run away and hide. The object of this game is for the rest of the players to find where the first sardine is hiding; the last one there loses. - Once the main sardine finds a hiding spot, she/he can then chug the Captain at their leisure. - The rest of the sardines have to shot gun a beer before they can search for the main sardine hiding. - The first player that finds the main sardine will take a swig of Captain, and then lay on top of the main sardine to create a beautiful fake fish pile - As more players find the pile, they also take swigs of the Captain and jump on top. - The last player to get there loses (and sucks) but also has to bong a beer take another swig of Captain. the loser finishes it all off with an orange slice (to prevent scurvy).

Let’s Get all Fancy, Chef: - Plug in your panini grill and turn that puppy on high. - Throw some EVOO on the pan and slosh it around. - Place bread, then sauce, then cheese, then random other things. The key to this recipe is to narrate everything that you put on, very audaciously. - Frequently add spices such as salt and say, “UGH! Let’s take it up another notch!” Like the line Emerald uses that helps him pull mad tail. - Try hard to make your edible creation look like a new kind of pizza in sandwich form. - Once you fit as much as you can between two pieces of bread, close the panini lid down. - Stare at panini maker; ponder who thought up such a machine. - Frequently check your makeshift pizza and give verbal time estimates on how much longer you have. - Once it is done, remove the sammy (again sandwich lingo for the elite) from the panini maker and smell it. - Tell everyone around you how good it smells and then eat it very dramatically like it is the best meal ever in America.

The game ends when: The sardine pile starts to get frisky. Then it is no longer Shhhardines, but actually becomes a new game called: Premarital Sex, the horrid epidemic that Oprah warned your mother about.

The great part about this recipe is that it’s casual, adaptable, and the combo of versatility plus narration will truly seal the deal for fun on your credibility as a chef in the kitchen.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

What Kind of Wine Drinker Are You? Next time you’re in the grocery store, take a moment in the wine section and watch the people around you. See that girl with the cart full of organic food and the top-shelf wine? What about the one lugging around the 5-liter box of Franzia, or the guy with three bottles of Boone’s Farm? Believe it or not, the type of wine someone drinks says a lot about a person. And if wine could talk, it’d be like you were that time at your sister’s graduation dinner when you had too many glasses of Merlot and cried over your boyfriend from tenth grade. That’s right, it would have a hell of a lot to say, particularly about the kinds of people who drink it. The Wine Snob: The Wine Snob (also known as the Wine Connoisseur or the Wine Hipster) knows so much more about wine than you, drinks better wine than you, and heard about wine way before you did. The Wine Snob was tasting their mother’s Savoy at age nine and commenting on how it wasn’t enjoyed young enough. The Wine Snob would never be caught drinking wine from the grocery store (spirits stores only, please) and God forbid you ever offer them any of your Ménage à Trois. Wine Snobs always swirl and sniff before they sip their wine and always drink wine from a nice crystal stem glass, never confusing white with red or vice-versa. The good news: if you can manage to stand their pretentious attitude and befriend a Wine Snob, you’ll be drinking some damn good wine from now on. The Quantity Over Quality Drinker: On the other end of the wine drinking spectrum is the Quantity Over Quality Drinker. This drinker values the amount of wine over the quality of the wine, but largely believes that quality is subjective anyway. The Quantity Over Quality Drinker can appreciate a good box of Franzia because, I mean, why not spend $13 on 5 liters of delicious Sunset Blush? This drinker is like The Wino in that they just flat-out enjoy wine, but the Quantity Over Quality Drinker doesn’t choose their wine simply because it’s cheap – they choose it because there’s a lot of it. This drinker normally drinks wine from a plastic cup because you can fit more in there. Make friends with The Quantity Over Quality Drinker and you might end up on the floor while someone pours the last bit of sangria from a plastic bag into your mouth, but you’ll feel damn good doing it. The Wino: Depending on who you ask, a Wino is one of two people: a drunken hobo or someone who just really likes getting drunk off wine. Personally and for the sake of comparison, I prefer the latter. However, consider The Wino as a drunk who could possibly evolve into the homeless man if not careful. Either way, The Wino is cheap as shit and will drink straight from the bottle, but is definitely fun to be around as long as you like shitshows and Boone’s Farm.

The Casual Wine Drinker: The Casual Wine Drinker isn’t snobby like the Wine Snob or a drunk like The Wino, nor does The Casual Wine Drinker desire large quantities of wine like The Quantity Over Quality Drinker. Instead, The Casual Wine Drinker has a pretty neutral attitude towards wine – they’ll drink it if it’s offered (who turns down free booze?) or order it with dinner sometimes, but this drinker doesn’t actively seek out wine. The Casual Wine Drinker may try to make other wine drinkers feel bad about their choices, but only because they don’t understand the appeal of the delicious fermented grape juice that is wine. The Boring Wine Drinker: The Boring Wine Drinker is very aware of the stigmas associated with the other types of wine drinkers and thus tries very hard to separate themselves from them. The Boring Wine Drinker buys an $11 bottle of Yellowtail from Target, goes home, watches a movie and enjoys maybe two and a half glasses of wine from a normal, cheap wine glass. Then they go to bed. Boringly. The important thing to remember here is that diversity makes the world go round. We could all learn something from one another, regardless of what type of wine drinker you are. The Wino could learn a thing or two from The Casual Wine Drinker, because Christ, it’s Tuesday night and you have an exam in the morning so three bottles of White Zin might not be the best idea right now, you crazy drunk. Maybe The Quantity Over Quality Drinker could get The Boring Wine Drinker to have more than half a glass of wine at dinner on Friday night because there’s nothing like a nice glass of chianti to top off your food coma. Either way, raise your wine – whether in a crystal stem glass or plastic bag, straight from the bottle or in a Solo cup – and toast your neighbor!

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Maybe we’re just getting too old, but the popularity of some mainstream music really baffles us these days. Hell, we understand why Justin Bieber and Lady GaGa are “the bee’s knees,” as kids are wont to say. These six artists? Not so much.

Artist: Drake

drake

Known For:”Find Your Love,” looking tired and sad all of the time. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Rapping an entire bar then pausing like this…to deliver a shitty punch line. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “If a million 4-year-olds chained to a million crayons were locked in a room, how long would it take them to write a Drake song, 25 minutes? 30?” Poetic Death: Everyone—from Lil’ Wayne to Nicki Minaj—who carried Drake on a track would take turns literally carrying Drake to a set of railroad tracks, where he’d finally meet his demise.

Artist: Katy Perry

katy perry

Artist: Mumford & Sons

mumford & sons

Known For: “Little Lion Man,” being vaguely earnest. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Staaaaarting ouuuuuut playyyying a sonnnnng reallllly slowwwww, thenplayingthechorusreallyfast. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “If you sang all your lyrics at the same pace, couldn’t each and every word get their due?” Poetic Death: Tearfully, the band sacrifices themselves for a cause greater than themselves—one that flames out a few months later, like the Occupy Wall Street movement.

Artist: Dropkick Murphys

dropkick murphy's

lmfao

Known For: “I’m Shipping Up to Boston,” being the musical equivalent of The Boondock Saints. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Wishing desperately to be from Ireland, using an accordion and bagpipes without a hint of irony. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “You’re the kind of assholes who roots for Notre Dame because you’re 5th generation Irish, aren’t you?” Poetic Death: Alcohol poisoning, via Jameson suppositories.

Artist: Bassnectar

Artist: LMFAO

Known For: “Party Rock Anthem,” enjoying shots in Miami. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Looking and sounding like fucking idiots. Loudly. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Redfoo, SkyBlu, you both dress like your parents’ spent their lives shunning you. Sorry, that isn’t a question, just wasn’t sure if you realized that or not.” Poetic Death: Major Lazer challenges the LMFAO boys to a drink-off, only to trick them into pounding shots of liquid cyanide.

Known For:”I Kissed A Girl,” “California Gurls,” marrying Russell Brand, tits. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Catchy pop tracks with hooks and videos that imply women are sexually closeted idiots. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Whose entire routine is more of a gimmick, yours, or your husband’s?” Poetic Death: No longer popular or famous, Perry offs herself in one last attention grab. It fails to generate the headlines she oh-so-desperately craves.

bassnectar

Known For: Being an integral part of the dubstep trend that’s sweeping the nation. Horribly Annoying Trademark: Having a shtick and a light show that mask glaring musical inability. What We’d Ask In An Interview: “Did you and Beyonce mean to get your extensions from the same guy, or was that just some sort of happy coincidence?” Poetic Death: A fan—while rolling their balls off on MDMA—sticks a turntable needle through the heart of a voodoo doll made from his hair, killing him.

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Das Racist

the interview

Don’t worry guys, we didn’t interview the entity that is racism. Das Racist is a trio of multiethnic dudes from Brooklyn whose unconventional style has landed them on multiple “best of” lists and on the stages of dozens of high-profile music festivals. Their latest album Relax just dropped and they’re coming to a city near you...soon. We chatted with them about live performances, growing up, and ideal fast food combinations. TBS: You guys have a very energetic live show. Offstage are you guys pretty animated, or are you pretty mellow? Das Racist: Yeah, more than like your average moron-like manner. To be honest, the way I think about it – which I never have before you asked me about it – I guess when we started doing shows we would be drunk or high a lot, so that kind of energy was from something we were doing offstage. Now it’s not quite the case. It’s just something that I’ve gotten used to doing and it’s kind of the only way I know how to do something up there. So we’re doing a rap show, we don’t really have a guitar and keyboard and whatever, so, I mean, what are we going to do? Then we’re getting completely bored on stage, you know, standing around on a small area for 45 minutes to an hour. Like, you can imagine if whatever room you’re in right now I locked the doors and like, you just have to hang out for an hour. You know, and most people need something to do, and we don’t want to be boring and be completely wasting everybody’s time. TBS: You mentioned that you’d go on stage and be drunk or on some sort of drug. As you’ve taken this more seriously as a career, is that something that you’ve purposely toned down or are you just getting more mature? Das Racist: The way we started out, we’d sometimes do gigs for like $50 or it’d be for drink tickets. So when you’re doing a show for drink tickets, you’re obviously going to get drunk because they’re giving you drink tickets and no money. So I think being mature, maybe, I don’t know, that word kind of sounds ridiculous. It just got boring, you know what I mean? And also, if my job is to tour and I’m going to have to do five shows in a row while traveling and waking up at 6 in the morning, I can’t feasibly get fucked up every night because it

CD REVIEW

Out Now

Florence + the machine Ceremonials

The dog days aren’t over, but they still suck. When I first encountered the band Florence + The Machine, the world fell for them. A cheesy little book called Eat, Pray, Love turned into a stupid little movie with the same title featuring Julie Roberts (not stupid, just a stupid role, love ya girl) and that song, oh, what’s it called again? Oh yes, “Dog Days Are Over.” Yeah, ladies, rejoice; you’re no longer going to be fat, sad and lonely, because them dog days are over, because you’re gonna eat and eat and eat, then pray for love. [insert vomit] It’s one thing to jump on a bandwagon willy nilly, with the understanding that you know you are on the bandwagon and don’t mind “accidentally” falling off after a month or so. But it’s another to go on and be nominated for Grammy awards and then have the balls to release a second album, like people are really going to give a shit. Well, the one’s who’ve prayed and never found love will buy their album, because they saw an ad for it while they watched Oprah’s Lifeclass for the fourth night in a row. And that’s fine, for them. Ceremonials' first single “Shake it Off” has that signature orchestral sound as the rest of

UPCOMING RELEASES

their music, with the loud and preachy chorus that gives you a positive call to action - just shake it off, sis. It’s not a bad song – it’s inspirational and catchy, but not something I see myself singing at karaoke anytime soon. The rest of the album continues on in the same fashion, with sprinklings of oddly humorous tunes, such as “Breaking Down” which sounds like it should be running at the ending credits of Sixteen Candles. Florence Welch is 25 and makes beautiful music for 40-somethings. Maybe I’m just cynical (and notoriously not a fan of female singers), but this Evanescence/Imogen Heap meets an extravagant church choir doesn’t do it for me. Though there is no denying that Welch has an incredibly powerful voice, it might be interesting to see her do some solo stuff and try a different sound, perhaps like Adele. But if this crap gets you in the mood to conquer the world, more power to ya.

TBS: So you guys have Relax, your new album that just came out. How does a group like you guys go about constructing a song? Das Racist: Well, I mean, we’ll first kind of write in the studio, sometimes someone will have some verses or parts of verses worked out and they’ll bring those in. It’s not a completely collaborative process. If you’re listening to it, the two guys don’t even sound very much alike, they don’t rap very similarly. So, it’s collaborative in that they usually record in the same studio and they record together a lot of the time, but other than that it’s not like coming in together with two notepads on their lap and a guy playing a beat and they’re listening to the beat… but that actually does happen a little bit. (laughs) I think it’s kind of two different processes going on at the same time, rather than like peeking over another person’s shoulder and see what they’re doing. TBS: What would be on your perfect sandwich? Das Racist: I don’t even like sandwiches that much. Bacon, avocado, cheese, tomato? On some sourdough bread.

Listen to it When: You’re self-loathing, drinking white zinfandel. Sounds Like: Evanescence as a Baptist choir.

TBS: You guys have an album called Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. If you could combine any two fast food franchises, which would you choose? Das Racist: Maybe fuckin’ Panera Bread and Chipotle. Or In-N-Out Burger and Quiznos.

The Decemberists - Long Live the King U2 - Achtung Baby Tyrese - Open Invitation Lou Reed and Metallica - LuLu

TBS: Drink of choice? Das Racist: Water, and champagne.

>>>

Susan Boyle -Someone to Watch Over Me Justin Bieber - Under the Mistletoe Miranda Lambert - Four the Record Megadeath - TH1RT3EN

wouldn’t be fun anymore, it’d be impossible to wake up and not be in a terrible mood. And it’s just boring: I’m like 26-years-old, what am I going to do, get fucked up in front of a bunch of 18, 19-year-old kids? TBS: You guys get a lot of critical acclaim, from MTV, Spin, Rolling Stone, etc. Do you guys consider that at all when you’re making musical decisions? Das Racist: It is appreciated, but, you know, it’s not like “Whoa! This staff writer at Spin likes something we made!” it’s more like “Whoa, a lot of people buy Spin at the airport who have never heard of us,” you know? I mean, it’s always nice to hear nice things, whatever, but it’s not like we’re so “Oh, we’re going do what we’re going to do regardless!” Like, what else am I going to read, something about some other guy? I’d rather read about myself. Yeah, I definitely keep up and shit, but it’s not that big of a deal.

Can you solve the riddle? If so, email us at riddle@theblacksheeponline.com. First 10 win a prize!

madlib: your own worst movie 1: Thing 2: Type of person 3: Action 4: Verb 5: Noun 6: Movie 7: Movie 8: Verb 9: City or town 10: Age 11: Gender 12: Name 13: Same name as 12 14: Verb 15: Adjective

16: Same name as 12 17: Adjective 18: Verb 19: Same thing as 1 20: Verb 21: Noun 22: Verb 23: Same person as 2 24: Same person as 2 25: Noun 26: Verb 27: Same noun as 25 28: Verb

Dude, did you hear about my awesome movie idea? I want to do a movie where ___1___ and ___2___ are forced to ___3___ to ensure the ___4___ of the ___5___. Basically, it’s going to be like ___6___ meets ___7___, only with more ___8___. The film opens in ___9___, when a ___10___-year-old ___11___ named ___12___ is woken up in the middle of the night by a strange noise. When ___13___ looks outside she starts ___14___. It’s pretty ___15___. The next day ___16___ only vaguely remembered what had happened the night before, though she was sure it was ___17___. On her way to class things seemed weird. The streets were empty, no one was outside, shops were closed. It’s as if the entire town was inside ___18___ each other. Turns out, they were. You see, the ___19___ had a very specific agenda. They wanted to ___20___ the ___21___ through ___22___. They thought if they had every ___23___ other ___24___, the ___25___ would ___26___ and the ___27___ would ___28___. Doesn’t that sound like a badass movie, dude?

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