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Volume 1, Issue 2 | 11/03/11 - 11/16/11 | theblacksheeponline.com
The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
a memo to the athletic department
luis guitart wrote this
To: Joel Maturi, Athletic Director From: Athletics Department Staff Subject: Ideas on how to blow $8.4 million Dear Joel Maturi, Our accountants just came back with our latest financial reports and found some good news. We discovered we have about an 8.4 million-dollar surplus in our budget this quarter. Now, we know you are busy and do not have a lot of time in thinking about long-term investments into our athletic programs, so we thought we would outline a few options for you. Build a legal and cover-up fund It’s time to get rid of our ‘Minnesota Nice’ attitude. Our athletics aren’t going to go anywhere if we keep playing by the rules. Now, Coach Tubby Smith may have gotten us on the right track with the whole ‘misrepresentation of authority’ lawsuit, but it cost us a million dollars and some pretty bad press. Yet, if we take the Tubby mentality we can start winning games around here. We just have to do it the right way. That is where a cover-up fund comes in handy. Take formerly stellar programs like USC, Miami, and Ohio State for example. These programs once played dirty, produced powerhouse teams and filled up trophy cases. They just made one fatal mistake: they let their cover-up funds dry up, and we all know what happened after that. So, here is out chance to learn from their mistakes. Let’s learn to cut corners and break some rules. We have 8.4 million to invest into it, now is our chance. Build a Roof over TCF Bank Stadium We know TCF Bank stadium is only three years old, but we feel a little renovation could make fans more comfortable at the game. Talking to students, we’ve heard that they get cold around the end of the first quarter. Fall weather is a bit nippy here in Minnesota, and after about an hour in the stadium, most folks’ booze
Other stuff
Inside
04: The Carlson Advantage Somehow, we just manage to be better than all you poor people.
blankets start wearing off. It gets worse as the season wears on. We get rain, and even sometimes snow. Nobody wants to be outside in those conditions, this isn’t Lambeau. What we were considering is maybe adding a roof to the top of the stadium. Even a nice little dome would be great. After all being outside just isn’t too fun. Speaking of which, if we go this route, we may need to change the whole ‘bringing Gopher football outdoors again’ campaign. Just a thought. Invest in successful programs such as cross-country and women’s soccer We’re obviously joking. Throw Jerry Kill a bone This is all about playing mind games. Look, lately Coach Kill has been stealing a lot of headlines. It’s time to make it look like we’re in control again. If we want to get back into the papers we need to make a big splash. The more ridiculous the stunt, the more likely it is covered. Looking like we are in control is important, because it motivates them team to do better. Remember when we gave Brewster the axe? Well, we won a couple more after that. It had nothing to do with the coach; it was just flexing our department’s arm that made people think we were a serious athletics program for a few games. We need that impact again. What we were thinking is throwing the entire budget surplus at Coach Kill. That’s right, writing him a check for the whole 8.4 million dollars. It is so out there, it just may work. There is no better time to double down, when our record is 1-6. That will be sure to make the headlines. Hey, maybe it will even help us beat Iowa. These are just a few options we have put on the table. We are confident you’ll pick the worst one. Regards, University of Minnesota Athletics Department Staff
06: i'm sorry for my tiny dog
it's okay, we are just as embarrassed for you...
13: the black sheep interviews:
das racist, who surprisingly, are not racist at all