UMN -11/16/11 - v01i03

F st ree.. eal .lik fro e e m h ver om yth e o ing ver yo bre u’ll ak!

Volume 1, Issue 3 | 11/16/11 - 12/06/11 | theblacksheeponline.com

The

Black Sheep

“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

lying to loved ones

The secret to a successful Thanksgiving Thanksgiving is freaking awesome. What started as a celebration of our forefathers working together with their Native American neighbors is now a celebration of overeating and professional football, and the best part about it is that schools completely shut down. Food comas and football games are the shit, but above all else, Thanksgiving is about spending time and catching up with family and loved ones.

This all sounds well and good, but returning to life at home after nearly an entire semester of unsupervised debauchery can be more challenging than initially thought. Families have a bad habit of actually being interested in what goes on during your life at college. Now you’re probably thinking to yourself, “Why would they ask questions they most certainly do not want to know the answers to?” It doesn’t matter. From the second you arrive at home to the moment you drive away you will be bombarded with questions about life at UMN. Have no fear; The Black Sheep has compiled a series of acceptable answers to your family’s most prying questions.

Question: How are classes going?

What you say: Classes are going great! I’m really interested in the things I’ve been learning and my professors are great, you can tell they really care. The best part is all of the great experience I’m getting for my career.

What you mean: I’m so freaking screwed! For the first 6 weeks of the semester I completely forgot I even enrolled in this one class. Class on a Friday? Who does that!? Not to mention the fact that all of my teachers are total douchebags, except for the hot one I ask out every lecture. She wants me, everyone can tell.

Question: Are you still together with your girlfriend? She’s such a sweetheart.

What you say: We decided it was best for us to just be friends. College isn’t really the time for a significant other. I’m just happy that we can still hang out and there isn’t any stupid drama between us.

What you mean: That bitch is crazy! She tried to smother me in my sleep with a pillow. I’m pretty sure she watches me through my window at night. I’ve talked to the police about it multiple times but they don’t seem to care. I legitimately fear for my life on a daily basis. Jeeze, she catches me with three of her friends and all of a sudden I’m the worst person ever. Some girls just need to get a grip.

Other stuff

Inside

04: prethanksgiving letter

we uncover a letter from way back in the day...

Question: Are you working hard or hardly working? (at this point whoever asked the question will grin as if they have just made the single greatest play on words in human history.)

What you say: (chuckle) You know me, I like to let loose every now and then, but my main concern is my studies. It would be foolish of me to let partying get in the way of my future. I’ve actually been considering joining the priesthood.

What you mean: I pulled an all-nighter in the library the other night, and by allnighter and I mean I stumbled in drunk off my ass and passed out in a stairwell for 10 hours. When the cops woke me up I told them I was taking a study break.

My weekends last for no fewer than three days regardless of whether or not I have class, but I would say four days a week is the optimum amount of partying.

I wouldn’t necessarily say I’ve been working hard, but I would definitely say that I’ve been doing work.

Question: Is that a tattoo?

What you say: No, don’t be ridiculous. My body is a temple and I will treat it as such.

What you mean: Absolutely. It’s a symbol of how nobody will ever love Dave Matthews Band as much as me. Nobody!

Question: So what do you want to do after you graduate?

What you say: To be honest, I’m not sure. I have so many doors and opportunities open to me right now that I don’t know which path my life will take. I just take pride in the fact that I’ll graduate on time, ready and willing to enter the workforce.

What you mean: Whoa, pump the brakes. Did you really just ask about graduating? You’re looking entirely too far into the future right now. Let’s focus on more short-term issues like “am I going to pass this class?” or “how many times can I be arrested for public intoxication without having to serve jail time?” I’ll graduate when I’m damn well ready. Lots of people go to college for seven years.

There you have it. An answer key to the most common questions you will likely encounter when you make your triumphant return home. Grab some turkey, put on the game, and trip on some tryptophan, you can rest easy knowing that the secrets of your college life are safe for another year.

07: third party game controllers

are you trying to sabotage your friends?

Pgs12-13: two awesome interviews

Dubstep DJ 12th Planet and sweet songwriter Mat Kearney.

02

Table of

contents

06 10

p4: the top ten Things we aren't thankful for this Thanksgiving... damn you Nickleback!

P10: bartender of the week A chat with Chris, who would love to party with Lohan.

P10: Recipe for disaster P5: Party pics You guys are frickin' crazy, A Waffle Sandwich, for your drunken delight. and we love it.

04

p6: living with a female roomate What they don't tell you, which is a lot.

Pgs8-9: the bar grid An early holiday gift, just for you!

P11: How to seduce your ta The ins and outs of how to hopefully get it in.

P14: the seek and find Can you find the 10 items in the messy dorm room?

11

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! s m a r g a n A Sexy

Can you guess these hotties?

Send your answers to celebs@theblacksheeponline.com The first 5 right answers win prizes!

Word of the week Bartography:

A Banshee Miser Tiff Tin

Raze Oil Mop

Submit your own word! word@theblacksheeponline.com

Definition: The strategic mapping of local pubs, dives, cantinas, clubs and watering holes that allows for maximum drinking during a bar crawl.

Sentence: “Steve’s bartography skills ensured that the entire sweatpants barcrawl was sufficiently drunk by midnight.”

04

THe top ten

Things We Aren’t Thankful for This Thanksgiving As Thanksgiving approaches and our private parts tingle in anticipation of the foodgasm that is sure to ensue, we can’t help but think of a few things that we aren’t all that grateful for. I know, I know, ‘tis the season to be thankful, but c’mon… if you’re thankful for terrorism, you’re probably a terrorist.

10). Terrorism I don’t know about you guys, but terrorists really push my buttons. They’ve got their guns and their hate and their patriarchy, and it’s just a whole thing with them. They’ve always got to be doing something.

9). Kim Kardashian’s Divorce When Kim Kardashian is going through a tough time in life, it makes the rest of mankind feel like there’s not much to be thankful for. Or to live for.

8). Cranberry Sauce How is it possible that after centuries of celebrating this holiday, cranberry sauce has managed to make the cut each and every year? If there’s a Staples of Thanksgiving Dinner Committee somewhere, I’ve got a firm letter to send their way (and it’s written in blood).

pre-thanksgiving thank you letter JOHN SMITH wrote this Dearest Squanto, I want you to know that you are very important to me. If I had to choose between a night of fellatio from my finest lady and a night of male bonding with you, I’d probably choose to get my knob slobbed on… but I’d be thinking of you.

Seriously though, Squants, I really cannot thank you enough for everything you have done for my people.

Us whites were just the darn worst to you and your tribe when we first arrived and captured you, but we want to make it up to you.

We would be absolutely delighted if all of you would join us for a feast tomorrow evening as a small token of our immense appreciation. Heck, before you and your tribe came along, we were sticking the cobs of corn into our anuses; you taught us to put them in our mouths. That piece of knowledge alone was enough to completely change the way we approached our dayto-day life—literally 100% different now.

Anyway, we hope that the dinner we prepare will serve as an edible (and delicious) amalgamation of all the things that you’ve taught us throughout the season. To begin, we’ll have a turkey roasted to perfection—a symbol of our learning to read. The fowl, which we now know is different from its homonym, foul, is something that you taught us (even though our kind may later deny any claim of your tribe’s literacy due to our even more overt racism in the future).

To accompany the fowl, we will have a bevy of corn (significance already covered), dozens of fresh-baked rolls (to represent the importance of your role in teaching us how to bake), several squashes (squash being the best natural remedy for syphilis and hunger), and a plethora of pumpkin pies (a symbol of the first inanimate object we learned to make love to).

It really would mean the world to us if you and the rest of the Patuxets joined us. My brother, Henry, even prepared a poem for the occasion. I know that he wanted to keep it a secret, but if you’re still debating whether or not to come, I think this might persuade you: A Thanksgiving Haiku: So sorry we are For everything done we have Squanto that we love Henry is very sensitive about his writing, so I hope you’ll take this opportunity to support him in his attempt to become fully literate. He has written several other poems about you, but I think he misunderstood the meaning of some words because all of the others contained several sexually explicit references to your genitalia and our sister’s “rosy hole.”

The point is—we need you guys to be there. It wouldn't feel right if you weren't part of the celebration. We’re going to drink beer and smash things at the rock before dinner, say grace and give thanks, feast, smoke our pipes, and then make love to our women (in group fashion). We especially hope that you’ll join us for that portion of the night— that niece of yours is growing up to be a real tall drink of water.

I wouldn’t mind if she harvested my crop… if you know what I mean. If you don’t know what I mean, I mean I want her to weave my basket. And if you don’t know what I mean by that, I’m pretty sure Henry wrote a poem about it that also contained some pretty graphic images.

Anywho, I suppose if the world is full of sugarplums and dreams come true, (like I hope it is), I’ll see you tomorrow.

Warm Regards and Gentle Hugs, John Smith

7). There’s No Time For Individual Traditions Like all holidays, Thanksgiving revolves around a bunch of weird family traditions that no one cares about. If Thanksgiving traditions were true to people’s innermost feelings and desires, Thanksgiving would revolve around substance abuse, nudity, and naps.

6). The Crazy Bitch That Emerges From Cooking For 20 People If you’ve never seen your mom in crazy psycho bitch mode over the holidays, you probably don’t have a mom in your life over the holidays. Something about cooking for that many people really messes with a person’s mind; one minute she’s crying that her stuffing is too moist and the next minute she’s jamming her fist up the turkey’s asshole, making it into a puppet. “You can all gobble on this cock!” she murmurs out of the side of her mouth.

5). Black Friday A day where you can buy all the products you want for a fraction of the cost? It’s sounds good in theory, but once you introduce the hoards of flat-screen hungry freaks, hours of waiting in line, and the possibility that you may lose your life, it doesn’t sound quite as appealing. If your obituary says that you were trampled to death at a Wal-Mart, we’re going to assume that you lived a very sad life.

4). The Hangover That Follows the Biggest Bar Night of The Year When you’re hungover, what’s the last thing you want to do? If you answered “talk to my family about my post-graduation plans,” then you answered like most human beings.

Hangovers and family have never mixed well and never will.

Whoever made the night before Thanksgiving the biggest bar night of the year was obviously an orphan.

3). Apologizing for Your Relatives Bringing your significant other to a family function for the first time is always an unnerving experience. Will grandpa show everyone his erection that lasted for more than four hours like last year? Will Aunt Debbie post a sexual innuendo about candied yams on her Facebook? At this point, it’s really just a waiting game.

2). Saying Grace It’s not that we don’t want to give thanks, we just don’t want to be the thankers in the thanking. There’s something strange about talking to the man upstairs with each of your family members hanging onto your every word. “Uh, yeah, so uh, thanks God. You’re the coolest God I pray to. Love you, G.” 1). Nickelback Playing at the Lions’ Halftime Show There is actually a petition underway right now that is attempting to collect enough signatures to stop Nickelback from performing at halftime. Although it currently has more than 50,000 signatures, Nickelback is still scheduled to play the show… but at what cost? Haven’t the good people of Detroit been through enough? They aren't even American!

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Things They Don’t Tell You

About Living with a Female Roommate For the past three months now I’ve been living with a blonde girl, and things have been going rather well. Naturally I expected to kill a spider or two and open a pickle jar every now and then, but here are the things I never expected: The Hair Is Everywhere: Now, I’ve had a dog before, but if he had shed this much, he would’ve frozen to death in the winter. I honestly don’t understand how it is that blonde hair just happens to show up everywhere, including on my face for whatever reason. The real problem is that I wear a lot of black, and I would just for once like to drop my sweatpants on the floor and pick them up without having them look like Fabio just grinded his face into them. My newest project is to take all the hair I find and recreate Cousin It from The Addam’s Family.

Everyone Assumes You’re Going to Hook Up: Not trying to get brownie points, but my roommate is attractive. Or, as bros would say, “fuckable.” Naturally, everyone assumes that I’m either gettin’ it in right now or that we will bone when we’re both drunk one night. What people don’t count on is the syndrome that develops between people when they start living with each other, and that syndrome is known as “marriage.”

Once you’ve seen your roommate scarf down an Arby’s Philly in ten seconds first thing in the morning after a heavy night of drinking, sexual attraction naturally dies. Initially after she broke up with her boyfriend everyone assumed once again that we would hook up, but let me tell you, nothing kills my boner faster than uncontrollable sobbing.

Your Bathroom Habits Will Change: No more bragging about the huge dump I took.

Men take pride in their dumps in much the same fashion they take pride in scratching their balls and sniffing their fingers. There is something inherently disgusting/satisfying about the size of your bowel movements and the scent of your ball stink. However, now I have no one to brag to about my impressive shits. I used to love just letting the musk ferment in the bathroom for the next unfortunate soul to try and overcome it before he himself shit his pants, but now no more. I find myself spraying Febreeze when

I come out of the bathroom, which has only served to ruin Febreeze for me. Oh, and I can’t even think about letting too much noise out when I go. I imagine that this is how they train ninjas how to poop.

You Will Start Watching Shit You Used to Hate: I swore myself off of smut T.V. after I got out of rehab from Flavor of Love. I was a few years sober until my roommate started watching Jersey Shore. Immediately I would just try to tune it out or leave the room, but after I discovered that they run marathons of this shit I started to finally pay attention. Just last week I caught myself sitting in the living room with the T.V. on Jersey Shore while I ate dinner, and I did not immediately change the channel. I suddenly found myself actually interested in these horrible excuses for sluts. I’m also starting to actually like American Horror Story, despite the lack of real horror and the inclusion of male nudity. I shudder at the day when I may actually find myself watching…ugh, True Blood.

So there you have it. If any of you are considering rooming with a female next year, at least you won’t be going in to it blind like I did. God help you.

now hiring See, you're so intrigued, you're reading this mysterious piece of content. Anyway, want to join our team and be a part of the funniest publication in town?

We're looking for writers, marketers, and sales people, preferably those who know how to type well and are good at that new Facebook, it confuses us...a lot. Interested? Good, because you could end up on our team (but not your roommate, you know why...come on now).

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Third-Party Game Controllers: Because You Don't Care About Your Friends

“Yeah, it looks pretty bad. I don't know why Adam Sandler thinks he can revive the playing-bothgenders thing. It's like bringing back blackface.

Hey Jack, you got your Xbox fixed! Cool! You guys wanna play some Gears or something? Someone wanna pass me a controller? I haven't actually played the latest one yet, I've been really—uhhh, what's this? This isn't—could I have a normal controller? Well, because this weighs like an ounce and it's retarded. You really need a reason? Make Keith take this one. Keith, take this one. Keith!

Because you fucking suck already and it's not gonna matter, that's why! Casey! Dude, you owe me, remember how I got you drunk and listened to your bitching after your girlfriend tried to kill you?

Come on! Well...shit. If you're all gonna be like that...then...okay, how do I turn this on? Wait, there's a cord? I gotta plug it—are you shitting me?

What year is this? Aaaaand the cord doesn't reach the couch. Sweet. I'll just sit in the middle of the carpet. No man, it's cool, I know I have a bad back and everything, but I'll just sit in the middle of goddamn nowhere with zero lumbar support.

Oh, that's neat. The start button is on the back.

Awesome. Awesome work, MadCatz engineers.

Truly revolutionary. Hey Jack, remember how you always drink my beer and never throw in or buy me a case? I'm just saying, man, Keith never does anything for you and he gets to use a controller that wasn't made by slave kids. Hang on, guys, we can't start yet. I still have to use my Q-Pad to select a character. Okay, I think that's...oh, wait, I forgot to press the “N” button to ready up. Does anybody know where the “N” button is? Ah, found

We Got You Covered,

All Week Long!

Wednesday Thursday 2-4-1 Everything $2.50 LITs Behind the Bar $2 Coors Pints Live Music Karaoke Saturday: $3 U Call It Shots, $3 Domestic Bottles, DJ Kazaam

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it. It's right under the patented “vowel row”, in case I wanted to play Jeopardy! or something.

God, there are so many buttons. It's like staring at a honeycomb. The hell—who started the game?

I can't move. I don't know, I can't move! OH, THANKS KEITH. HEY GUYS, KEITH SAYS I BETTER TRY THE ANALOG STICK. Dick. No, you're the dick.

Hey Jack, remember when you had a flat tire in the winter and I drove twenty miles to bring you a jack? Yeah, but that's cool, I'll use the MadCatz controller. Does this thing have a manual? Oh, look at that, it's stowed away in the patented in-controller “instruction indentation.” Wow, this is...this is surprisingly thick. Table of contents... using the analog stick...appendix XII. Okay, it says I have to unlock it by rotating the tulley toggle, which is...inside. It's inside the controller, and we need a screwdriver. Neato. Good thing there's a patented “MadCatzMadDriver” taped to the manual. How many things did they patent? Jesus.

Hey Jack, remember in eighth grade when your mom was in the hospital? I'd come to your house every day, and we'd just sit in your living room in silence watching Nicktoons reruns. You'd laugh, but I could tell there wasn't sincerity in it. You just wanted to show that you were okay. But you weren't. And every night, I'd sit in the hospital hallway while I heard you crying inside her room.

You'd come back outside when the nurse your mom needed to rest, and you'd collapse against the wall. And we'd cry together. We were all each other had back then. But yeah, just go ahead and give me your shittiest controller. That's cool.”

The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT THURS FRI

WEDNESDAY: 2-4-1 Everything Behind the Bar!

$2.50 LITs $2 Coors Lite Pints Karaoke!

$2 Michelob Golden $2.50 Rails Live Music

Tuesday: Hard Shell Taco Tuesday Birthday Night and Karaoke Drink free the week of your birthday (w/ 5 friends 21+)

November NFL Pro Bowl Weekends!

FRI & SAT: $3.50 Bud Light Bottles or 6 for $18 Bud Light Bottles WIN Great prizes & 1 Grand Prize: 2 tickets to HAWAII, the NFL Pro Bowl & Air Too! Happy Hour 4-7pm Mon.-Sat. 2 for 1 on “almost” anything

2-for-1’s Nacho Platters Live DJ

AUC2D* (All-U-Care-2-Drink) *(college or military ID for AUC2D) $6 AUC2D Domestic Taps $10 AUC2D Domestic Taps & Wells $1 O-Bombs $3 Jack Daniel’s & SoCo

Friday After Class (3-6p.m.) $1 pints, $1.50 margaritas Sizzling Fajita Platters

$2 Jäger, Cherry & O bombs $4 Three Olives Vodka Mixers $5 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands $3.50 Bud Light Bottles, 6 for $18 (Nov. only) Late Night Happy Hour! (7-10pm) $4 Vodka/Redbulls, $3 Any Pint and Drink $17 Shipwreck & O Face Fishbowls $2 Jäger, Cherry & O bombs $5 Three Olives Vodka Long Islands $4 Bacardi Mixers $3.50 Bud Light Bottles, 6 for $18 (Nov. only, not on Gameday Saturdays)) Late Night Happy Hour! (7-10pm) $4 Vodka/Redbulls, $3 Any Pint and Drink

SAT

$3 U Call It Shots $3 Domestic Bottles DJ Kazaam

Breakfast 10a.m-2p.m.

Bloodies & Beer Pitchers of Jumbo Wings

SUN

$7.99 All-You-Can-Drink Mimosas $9 Buckets of Beer $2.50 PBR Tall Boys

Breakfast 10a.m-2p.m.

Bloodies & Beer U Pick the Food Special (chimichangas, nachos, tacos, pitchers of wings)

Open @ 11am for away games, 2hrs before kick-off for home pro football games

MON

$3 Coors Mugs $5 Double Jamo Ginger Open Mic Night!

2-for-1’s Chimichanga Night (that’s your burrito fried golden brown!)

$2.50 Well Mixers $5 Bud Light Pitchers $10 Bud Light Beer Towers

TUES

South of the Border Night $3 Mexican Beers $3 Tequila Shots

Hard Shell Taco Tuesday Birthday Night and Karaoke Drink free the week of your birthday (w/ 5 friends 21+)

$3 U-call-it’s

WED

2-4-1 Everything Behind the Bar!

Team Trivia with big prizes 29cent Jumbo Wings

15¢ Wings (9pm ‘til they’re gone) $8 Bottomless Mugs (Miller Lite, Wells, Bacardi) $1.50 Miller High Life “Tall boys”

$3 U-Call-It’s $6 Bud Light Pitchers $11 Bud Light Beer Towers

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Happy Hour Every Single Day! Check Below for Times and Specials!

Happy Hour (3pm-6pm, 10pm-12am) $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps Friday Night Fish Fry Happy Hour (3pm-6pm): $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps Kegs & Eggs from 10am-1pm Happy Hour (3pm-6pm) $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

S.I.N SUNDAY (service industry night) $1.50 Domestic Taps, Rails and $3.00 Jager Bombs 9-close Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-11 $2.50 "U" Call Its $1 Domestic Taps and Rails $2 Import Taps 9-close Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-midnight $2.50 "U" Call Its $1.50 Miller Lite Taps $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-midnight $3.00 Long Islands 9-close Happy Hour: 3-midnight $2.50 "U" Call Its $1.50 Miller Lite Taps $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-midnight $3.00 Long Islands 9-close

LEGENDARY WILD WEDNESDAYS "College ID Night" Power Hour: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles 10pm-11pm Free Drinks 11pm-Midnight $3 U-Call-It Midnight-Close $2.50 JAGs 10pm-Close $3 Burger Basket 4pm-Midnight

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday

NEVER GO THIRSTY THURSDAYS Power Hour 10PM to 11PM: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles 11PM to 1AM: $5 Bottomless Cup; 1st Cocktail $5, free refills 10PM to CLOSE: $2.50 RHSs $.30 Boneless Wings (4pm to Midnight)

1/2 Price Apps Ladies Drink Free 9pm-11pm

FIRED-UP FRIDAYS POWER HOUR 10PM to 11PM: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles 11PM to CLOSE: 1/2 Priced Drinks (Rails, Calls & Tier 1 & 2 Beers) 10PM to CLOSE: $4 Bombs

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm

2 FOR 1 SATURDAYS Power Hour 10PM to 11PM: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles 11PM to CLOSE: 2 for 1's on Everything 10PM to CLOSE: $2.50 Scooby Snacks

2-4-1's All Day, Everyday DJ Starts 10 pm

Bottomless Bloody Marys and Screwdrivers from 10am-Noon Breakfast Menu 10am-2pm Happy Hour (10pm-1am) $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

S.I.N (service industry night) $1.50 Domestic Taps, Rails and $3.00 Jager Bombs 9-close

SUNDAYS FOOTBALL FREE BEER during 1Q of Noon, 3pm & 7pm NFL Games 11AM to CLOSE: $6, $8, $10 Pitcher Specials 10PM to CLOSE: Rock/Paper/Scissors for Drinks (Rails, Calls, Tier 1 & 2 Drafts) 10PM to CLOSE: $2 KAMIs

45 Cent Wings All Day

$2 Sloppy Jacks (Open to Close) Beer Pong Leagues Happy Hour (3pm-6pm, 10pm-12am) $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its 99 cent taco's from 3-11 $1.50 Domestic Taps and Rail Drinks 9-close

MUG MONDAYS FREE BEER during 1Q of MNF GAME TIME to CLOSE: $3 Lite & Premo, $4 Hand Crafted, $5 Super Premium $2 Rails and $3 Calls, $2 Under Currents $.30 Buffalo Wings (4pm to Midnight)

2-4-1's All Day EVERYDAY, EVERYTHING 1/2 Price Burgers

Trashy Can Tuesday: $1.50 Cans Live Acoustic Music Happy Hour (3pm-6pm, 10pm-12am): $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts & Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its $2.50 Cheeseburger and Fries 3-11 $1.50 Domestic Bottles and Rails 9-close

TICK-TOCK TUESDAYS 10PM to 11PM: FREE DRINK HOUR 11PM to MIDNIGHT: $2 U-Call-It MIDNIGHT to CLOSE: $3 U-Call-It 10PM to CLOSE: $2 Klondike Bars Free Tacos 4pm-6pm

$9 All the Pizza You Can Eat and Beer!

7pm-9pm

$3 Mini Menu from 6pm-Close (includes

White Trash Wednesday Happy Hour: 3-7 half price apps, 3-9 $2.50 "U" Call Its Free bacon from 9pm till it's gone Food special- 25 cent wings 3-midnight $1 PBR and High Life Tall Boys $1.50 Rail Drinks 9-close

LEGENDARY WILD WEDNESDAYS "College ID Night" Power Hour: $2 Rails, Select Drafts & Bottles 10pm-11pm Free Drinks 11pm-Midnight $3 U-Call-It Midnight-Close $2.50 JAGs 10pm-Close $3 Burger Basket 4pm-Midnight

$1 Tacos 3pm-close

$3 pitchers of Miller Lite from 6pm-9pm)

Happy Hour (3pm-6pm, 10pm-12am): $2 Rail and Call Drinks $2 Domestic Drafts and Bottles ½ Price Select Apps

10

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Bartender

of the

Issue

Matt

atery e d n a n o o l Sally's sa

Nick Name: 5O...for my 50% effort Age: 23 Status: Single Shot Recipe: Sprees shot – Apple Pucker, Absolut Citron, splash Red Bull “I Dare You” Recipe: Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse - Jagermeister, Rumplemintz, Goldschlager, Bacardi 151 Favorite Drink: Summit Beer Best song to get a lap dance song to: All Star- Smashmouth Life Motto: “Work hard play hard” Dream Date: Lindsay Lohan If you were a Jersey shore cast member who would be and why?

Vinny, the lesser of the douchebags.

drinking game:

beer ball

Like beer? Have balls? Boy, have we got a game for you.

What You Need: A case of beer, at least one ping pong ball, and a table.

Number of Players: Four exactly – no more, no less, no exceptions.

Intoxication Level: You’ll lose your balls.

How To Play: - Like beer pong, there are two teams of two players in this game, and each team stands at opposing ends of the table.

- Place a can of beer upside down at each corner of the table (four beers total).

- One player will throw the ping pong ball at the opposing team’s beer that is diagonal from him.

- If he hits the beer can, his teammate on his side of the table must flip over his can of beer and start chugging.

- His teammate will only stop chugging once either member of the opposing team has retrieved the ping pong ball and placed it on the table.

- It is to be expected that one teammate will finish his beer first. In this case he will be the only member throwing for the remainder of the game in order to have his teammate finish his beer too.

- The winning team is the team who is able to finish every last drop of both of their beers first.

The Game Ends When: You actually start tripping on the balls.

thirsty for more? theblacksheeponline.com/drinkage

What is one talent most people don’t know that you have: I’m very artistic.

Have you ever hooked up with an employee: Yes Funniest Thing You Have Seen on the Job: A girl puke in her purse.

Weirdest Place You Have Hooked Up: Timberwolves game Turn Offs: A lot of makeup.

Celebrity You Want to Hang With: Zach Galifianakis Celebrity You Want to Beat Up: Tom Cruise If you could do anything besides bartending right now what would it be: Cooking

recipe for disaster:

Waffle Sandwich

This is a treat that would have Leslie Knope of Pawnee, Indiana losing her mind. It’s too delicious for most people to comprehend.

What You’ll Need: Waffles, ice cream, chocolate syrup, whip cream, caramel sauce, and whatever else your sweet tooth can dream up.

Cook Time: About 5-7 Minutes.

Fatty Factor: This is a no-go for someone with diabetes.

Let’s Get Baked - Bust out your Eggo waffles (of course, you could go Belgium, which sounds fan-fucking-tastic; however you’ll need a waffle maker for that), toss two of them in the toaster, and set them for however you like your waffles cooked.

- While your waffle is toasting, bust out your favorite ice cream and get all of your toppings in a line.

- Once your waffles pop out of the toaster, plop them on a plate, and slap a bunch of ice cream on one of them.

- Go ahead and slather on all of the chocolate syrup, whip cream, caramel sauce, sprinkles and whatever else you want on the ice cream and cram the second waffle on top of it all to make the sandwich.

- Enjoy.

Of course this waffle sandwich could be anything you imagine it up to be.

Feel free to experiment with all different flavors if ice cream and waffles.

Rocky Road with blueberry waffles sounds like an interesting twist on the palate.

11

How to: seduce your Ta There she is. Standing in front of the class, wearing that almost see-through shirt with oh-so-many buttons undone. Your grade on the next exam comes second to waiting for the moment she bends over to check her notes and reveals that sweet, sweet, mid-late twenties cleavage. Throwing your TA on their desk and doing them with a sense of taboo and eroticism felt only by priests at middle school soccer games is a fantasy held by many undergraduates here at UMN. And why wouldn’t it be? Even though your chances of getting a class with a sexy professor are as likely as you being able to shit meth,some of those professors will come with a sexy young sidekick (Unless you’re an Engineering major. Is that a ruler, or is it the ugly stick y’all been smacking each other upside the head with?).

The ratio of graduate assistant attractiveness is pretty straightforward. 10% goes to their looks. Let’s face it, no TA is a perfect 10, and if they were, they’d just be models. Any attraction you feel is an illusion anyways, created by the forbidden teacher-student taboo. Your TA can’t be perfect; otherwise they wouldn’t be as sexy, if that makes sense. 20% is the TA’s higher maturity level. You can really talk to them about all sorts of things, like basically only any topics you cover in class. Another 20% goes to their crappy outfits, which goes back to them having the perfect amount of imperfection, and tricks your genitals into thinking the TA is more approachable. 50% goes to the ego gratification of sexually conquering a figure of authority. Is there anything more badass? If I did my hot TA, I’d make an announcement in the form of a before class message to the whole class stating that I got all up in that ass. Twice. Then I would bring cupcakes for everybody, and smack the TA’s ass before giving her one. Chocolate frosting. That’s right, bitch.

So, how do you get some T ‘n A from your TA? First, be a star student. It’s a nobrainer. The whole reason your TA is your TA in the first place is because they have to buy new undies every time they get to talk, think or write about whatever subject it is they’re studying. If you shine, they’ll see that you are kindred spirits

and get just as wet as them for…molecular biology.

Now that you’re on their radar, it’s time to really show how much you care…by going to office hours. This part is a little bit like dating. Take it slow, but make your appearance a regular occurrence. First, go in under the pretense of getting the material down. The next time you come in, pretend you're struggling, but now—Ahah!—you got everything down pat, “thanks to them.” Eventually move the conversation to other topics, like anything that doesn’t have to do with class. Get to know them, and eventually they’ll open up faster than a cheat sheet on exam day. Keep that strong eye contact and, oops, did my leg just accidently touch your leg Ms. TA? There’s so little room in this office. Go in for it, go in for it, and boom!

You just kissed your TA. The end is easy. Put up a show like “Oh my god are we gonna get in trouble?” “We shouldn’t.” “We can’t.” Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Just ask for a ride home and seal the deal. If your performance in the bedroom is good, they might even “adjust things” to improve your performance in the class. Way to go, champ.

12

www.theblacksheeponline.com

the entertainment page the black sheep interviews:

12 planet th

The Black Sheep: How did you get involved making dubstep music? Was there a moment you first heard dubstep and you realized that’s what you wanted to do?

12th Planet: Before the whole dubstep explosion I was producing and DJing drum and bass, my alias was Infiltrata and I was touring really, really hard. I was always going to England, and I was also playing in Europe, Canada, and all over the US. I got to hang out in Europe in 2005 or 2006, and I played this show that had a check-in room with a screen playing this music that sounded like slow drum and bass, and I was like, “What is this stuff?,” like I kind of didn’t like it at first. I just thought it was some sick joke. One of my boys was like “Have you ever heard this music, dubstep?”

I went to England again to that same place for New Year’s Eve and we saw how fast dubstep was, we heard like 40 different languages in one night. It was people from Slovakia and China and people from Hungary and Amsterdam and France and everyone was there to just support the movement, and this was in 2006? Maybe 2007? That’s when I got hooked, it just blew my mind, everything about it.

TBS: How would you describe how dubstep differs from regular electronic music?

12th Planet: The difference was more blatant four or five years ago, but I think where dubstep is now is this kind of melting pot of like electro house and big room house and rave, and drum and bass all put into one. It used to just be noises, like all other electronic music, but it had different BPM, beats per minutes.

It has 140 beats per minute, but the people singing are at half-time, like 70 BPM, but the rest of the energy on the track is at 140 BPM. That’s the difference between all the other electronic music and dubstep, the beats per minute.

Rising dubstep DJ, 12th Planet, has more enthusiasm than you could pack into a bottle rocket. This LA native can talk for hours, about getting his DJ name from a book about aliens (“It will fucking change you life. It fucked me up so hard.”) to what he calls his bong (“I think it’s just called ‘The Lakers Bong.’”)

But mostly this down-to-earth dude loves making music, preferably with Skrillex at all times of the day, and performing for the masses. Check him out with Skrillex on The Mothership Tour, hitting up towns all around the US.

TBS: How do you go about making a new song and new beats?

12th Planet: I just get a little inspiration and smoke a little weed and just start writing. I don’t start with drums or start with bass, I just do whatever I feel like. If I have a sample I’ll start with the sample and build around, but if I have a drum kit that I made I’ll just start with that drum kit, or if I’m messing around with a razor or something that makes a cool noise, I’ll just make a song from there. Sometimes they see the light of day, sometime they don’t. One out of every 15 tracks sees the light of day.

TBS: You’re on tour now with Skrillex, and it seems like you guys are pretty good friends.

How did you guys meet?

12th Planet: Oh, that’s my bud. That’s a damn good question. He was always that kid that was at the shows and we’d talk about the songs that were playing. Then we saw each other at Coachella like two years ago and he started sending me tracks and I fell in love with them right off the bat. Before he started making beats by himself he was in that band From First to Last which was a vocal project, and in those tracks he had sick production and the songwriting was amazing. So I invited him to come sing his songs on my sets, so we did that two or three times and we’ve just been close every since. He lives in downtown LA, I live in downtown, we have a lot of the same friends. It’s always party time.

TBS: What can someone expect from a 12th Planet Show?

12th Planet: Lots of jumping and girls taking their shirts off and crowd-surfing and people rushing the barricade and having so much fun.

TBS: Do you have any pre-show rituals or

thanks for nothing, thanksgiving Music: Mary J. BligeMy Life II…The Journey Continues Release Date: November 21, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: The soulful wail of Mrs. Blige is the siren song for recently-broken hearts. Even if you’re serially single, keep this album on repeat— and loud—to make sure that no one joins you in the fake frown town you’ve built. If any siblings don’t fall for the ruse, you’re going to have to recruit them, we suggest offering a 20% cut of whatever your parents give you for pity presents.

post-show rituals?

12th Planet: I used to just drink a lot, but now I’m just sober for all my shows, so that’s my ritual now. It used to be instead of trying to entertain everybody else it was just me partying and DJing for myself. Now it’s like, since I’m on this tour and playing 5000 capacity rooms you kind of have to be on point and interact with the crowd and have a better performance. So I was like that [inebriated] for the last two or three years but the last couple of months, the last 40 or 50 shows, I’ve been kind of sober. That’s my pre-show ritual now; my post-show ritual is to get drunk.

TBS: What’s the first thing you’re drinking?

12th Planet: I’m drinking Stella. It’s my favorite beer; it’s on my rider. That and vodka and sugar-free Red Bull.

TBS: What else is on your rider?

12th Planet: A bucket of fried chicken, grape soda, Magnum condoms, watermelon and grapes.

TBS: If you could collaborate with anybody dead or alive, who would you pick?

12th Planet: Skrillex, every day of the week.

If I could I’d work with him every minute of every day.

TBS: So I have a feeling I already know this answer, but if you were trapped in an elevator for 24-hours who is the one person you wish you were stuck with?

12th Planet: Skrillex, that’s my boy. We’d make that empty elevator a party, we’d probably make music off the level buttons on the

elevator, maybe hit the fire alarm a few times.

Record it on a phone and call it a day.

TBS: In your dressing room, or in life, would you prefer to have a chocolate fountain or a melted cheese fountain?

12th Planet: A chocolate fountain. But the cheese does sound kind of good, too. I can’t answer that question. If it’s nacho cheese to dip nachos in it, then I’m going with that.

TBS: Finish this sentence: “Nothing turns me on more than…”

12th Planet: Oh. That’s a tough one. I should go with the obvious, but that’s not interesting.

Oh gosh, fuck. I mean… uh… uh… oh god this is tough!

TBS: If you want to say “tits and ass” you can say that.

12th Planet: Tits and ass, dude! Let’s go with that. That’s the honest to God truth. Watching Breaking Bad turns me on, too.

JESS SOMMERS WROTE THIS

Excited to spend some quality time with the family this Thanksgiving? Didn’t think so. Here’s some Thanksgiving releases that scream, “My media intake is more important than talking to you.”

By: Brendan

Movie: The Muppets Release Date: November 23, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: Your parents grew up during the Muppets’ heyday, back when they’d light up a jay, flip on channel 2 and mellow out before a night on the town.

They’ll know exactly why you’re seeing this movie, but will be too scared of potential confrontation to call you out on your motives.

Video Game: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 Release Date: November 8, 2011 Why It’ll Shut ‘Em Up: “I swear to shit you little scummy jizz taster, try to come in here again and I’ll fistfuck your decapitated mom’s neckhole.”

Your parents will assume the machine gun swearing directed towards 13-year-olds coming from your side of the door is meant for them. They never knew you thought about grandma that way, especially after she died in that horrific guillotine accident.

13

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Mat Kearney

the interview

We got to chat with Mat Kearney, a passionate 30-something singer/ songwriter/storyteller to talk about life as an ever evolving musician.

Be sure to check out Kearney's latest album Young Love, as well as on a tour near you. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you describe yourself as a musician?

Mat Kearney: Not very well. I tend to say I’m a songwriter but when I think “What kind of music?” it’s somewhere between melodic storytelling and beats. I haven’t quite figured out how I fit into the whole thing, I can’t tell if that’s what makes me annoying or endearing, but I’m trying to figure that out myself.

TBS: If you were to describe yourself in 5 words to a stranger, what words would you use?

MK: Storyteller, epic, melodic, beat-driven, songwriter.

TBS: You talk about where you do and do not fit in, and you’ve said that your influences range from Bob Dylan to A Tribe Called Quest. When you write music, do you purposely try to incorporate those contrasting sounds or is it just natural?

MK: It’s a natural evolution, it’s reconciling where you’ve come from and what you’re into currently.

[When I was young] I was a little skater kid that listened to a lot of hip-hop music and ran around getting arrested for doing graffiti on things, and then I went to college and become a literature major and prided myself on my ability to write. At the core I still love rhythmic story telling but I also fall in love with different kinds of music every day.

TBS: Who are some musicians today that you really enjoy?

MK: I really love Drake’s last record, if we’re talking about hip-hop. I still think Tom Waits is the greatest living. I really like Adele’s record, I know it’s a huge record. I really enjoy the new Noah and the Whale, too.

TBS: How do you go through the songwriting process when it’s just you and your guitar? Do you ever hesitate because there isn’t really someone to check you, or do you like not having to run your ideas past someone else?

MK: I think I have a cool thing going because when it comes to sitting down and writing a song by myself there’s a magic in that that happens and I do that. There’s songs like “Learning to Love Again” and “Rochester” on my record that are just me and a guitar in my living room. But a lot of songs that I write, the music is a collaboration. A lot of the record we would sit down and create beats and grooves and changes, almost like a hip-hop record. Then I would take it away and try

CD REVIEW

Out Now

Drake

Take Care

Taking care of his fans but not making new ones

Canadian-born confied-to-a-wheelchair-actor turned apparently legitimate Jewish rapper (oh, he’s not exclusively Jewish?) Drake released his second album this week Take Care. Despite his all-around fame (Degrassi, this apparently popular rap, even a role in a freakin’ video game) it seems that little ole’ me has no idea about this dude. His rapping has never been anything worth listening to and upon writing this review, I couldn’t even recall his “one popular song.” Oh, there's more than one? Go figure.

I came into listening to this album with a relatively clean palate. I know that I’ve tried this before – I don’t exactly recall what exactly – but I just know that I didn’t really like it that much. Drake has a really boring voice and has never done anything unique or especially interesting with his music, considering he's in a genre where it's acceptable to go HAM and to be on the cutting-edge. With so many shitty wanna-be rappers and over-produced artists out there it’s easy to not catch my attention, which Drake has never done.

On top of all of that, Drake’s actual rapping is nothing to write home about, and his attempts at humor

UPCOMING RELEASES

D-

(please tell me he isn’t being serious) don't quite make the cut like Lil Wayne or Eminem. Look, I can appreciate some hilariously offensive rap lyrics and appreciate them in a creative, poetic way, because rap is essentially rhyming poetry, right? These dudes just write poems about bitches and guns and whatever, right? He raps in the song “Marvin’s Room” that he’s had “sex four times this week.” Wow… neat. In his title song “Take Care” he talks about it being his birthday and that he’ll cry if he wants to… psych! He’ll actually “get high” if he wants to, which is a wonderfully original play on words.

The tracks with the interesting collaborations (Andre 3000, Rihanna, Nicki Minaj) are stand-out songs on the album. I guess I'm just not a Drake fan, plain and simple. Hell, he even got a “Best New Music” review from Pitchfork music which, in all honesty, makes me start to question Pichfork’s legitimacy.

Oh yeah, I just remembered his one song! He has those lyrics “last name ever, first name greatest” from that Sprite commercial. Good for him.

Sounds Like: Really lame rap music.

Listen to it When: You’re around Drake fans.

>>>

R.E.M. -Part Lies, Part Heart, Part Truth, Part Garbage: 1982 - 2011 Childish Gambino - Camp Sigur Ros -Inni

Glee: The Music, The Christmas Album Vol. 2 Los Campesinos! - Hello Sadness Tegan and Sara - Get Along Gym Class Heros - The Papercut Chronicles II

to write the most gut-wrenching story over the grooves. Maybe we would add guitar later so I had something to do on stage, but there are a lot of collaborations going on.

TBS: Do you go into writing a new album with an idea in mind? How much thought goes into an album?

MK: It’s much more organic, how the songs come out. Singer/songwriters get boring most of the time, so I knew that I wanted to have moments where you would put this record on in your car and it would make your head bob. But I also knew that I wanted to have these stories that had to follow, these gut-wrenching narratives of people. I want one of those people to be myself and those people around me, and I guess that’s all I knew when I set out to make this record. Me falling in love and getting married and that part of my life, there are a lot of songs about that butterfly-in-your-stomach thing, because I was going through that.

TBS: How do you strike that balance between experimenting with music and knowing that fans and others above you have expectations of you?

MK: I don’t know how to do that, I struggle with that. On this record I didn’t make a licensing record, which I’ve been known to do. I wrote about a lot of specifics and I know that doesn’t always work well when you’re trying to license it, but I just felt like I needed to do that for my own sake and for a story that I wanted to tell. You don’t want to totally change the rules on your fans every record, but I think my voice and my writing approach and the stories I choose to write about, people can relate to that stylistically and also emotionally.

TBS: How is the touring lifestyle different for someone who plays on stage alone?

MK: We’re a 5-piece band and it’s pretty rock-heavy; I more model myself after Bruce Springsteen then Bob Dylan. I’ve had guys that have played with me for six years and they are some of my best friends and they play on my records. It’s an interesting existence because at the end of the day you have the final say, but there’s a lot of times where it’s very democratic process, much like a band.

I don’t think I get the full benefit of the camaraderie that comes with being in a band; there’s some days where this is a job for some people, and with all the traveling it gets lonely. I try to level the playing field so they feel respected as band members on stage. It’s a weird distance. I think the way I’ve gotten around it is just hiring really good friends.

TBS: If you had the opportunity to collaborate with someone living or dead, who would you choose?

MK: Bruce Springsteen or Jay-Z. It’d be exciting.

TBS: If tomorrows aliens come to planet Earth and they chose you to fight for the survival of the world with any one thing, what topic do you take them on in?

MK: I would put them in a navigational challenge – I am like Magellan in my head, man. Meet me anywhere, and I know exactly what direction we are in.

I know where I am at all moments, it’s kind of spooky to people. I know the quickest route to everywhere we’re going, always.

TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich?

MK: It would be pepper turkey, Muenster cheese, lettuce, red onions, balsamic vinegar. Classic. It works every time.

madlib: prepping for thanksgiving 1. Hardest class 2. Campus bar 3. Roommate 4. Favorite professor 5. Recent hookup 6. Bodily function 7. Article of clothing 8. Kitchen item 9. Hometown bar 10. High school name 11. Cheapest booze ever 12. High school enemy 13. Number

14. High school slut 15. Weird uncle 16. Body part 17. Cousin 18. Article of clothing 19. Cartoon movie 20. Food 21. Room 22. Sexual activity 23. High school hookup 23. High school teacher

Wow, I am so excited for Thanksgiving break. Right after my _____1_____ test, I am going to hit up _____2_____ with _____3_____ and _____4_____ for a final night hoorah. Hopefully I won’t see _____5_____, because last time we met, I ended up _____6_____ in my _____7_____, and woke up wearing a _____8_____ for some reason? Weird. Anyway, once I get home, I plan on meeting up with the old crew. We already have plans to go to _____9_____ and _____10_____, and definitely drink some _____11_____ like we used to do back in the day. I also heard that _____12_____ gained at least _____13_____ pounds, and that _____14_____ is pregnant! So, I have to see them so I can make some jokes. As for Thanksgiving, well, I just hope that crazy Uncle _____15_____ doesn’t show up. Last time he came over, I swear he wanted to touch my _____16_____ while _____17_____ watched.

He always asks creepy questions about my _____18_____, which just seems so strange. Anyway, after dinner, I hope we get to watch _____19_____, it’s my favorite movie by far. If we don’t, I’m just going to take all the extra _____20_____ from dinner, sit in the _____21_____, and go to town until I puke on myself. Sounds like the perfect break to me! I just hope it doesn’t go by too fast; I want to make sure I have enough time to _____22_____ _____23_____ and _____24_____, like old times!

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