VCU - 2/8/12 - v02i02 by The Black Sheep

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lik e Va boo len ty tin cal e’s lin’ Day you . .. r ex o

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 2, Issue 2 2/08/12 - 2/22/12

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The Compass:

The Good, The Bad, and The Bible Thumping Lanee’ Sanders wrote this You’re walking to class, minding your own business, risking you life, hustling down the uneven brick sidewalk to avoid awkwardly walking into class late, when you get stopped in the Compass. Now, some of the people you’ll meet in the Compass are lovely and definitely worth 15 seconds of your time, but there are others that you must avoid with all of your might. People You Should Miss: People With Graphic Brochures I’m all for people supporting a cause they believe in. You live in America, relish in it. However, nothing brings down my sunshiny day like a stranger handing me a pamphlet filled with disturbing images. Now, I get that I’m supposed to be shocked into joining your cause, but seeing deformed fetuses and tortured animals just makes me want to put even more distance between you and me. Also, there’s no way those scare tactics are going to make it past the first trashcan I spot out.

and why not? They don’t have lectures to go to or homework to start.

Religious Zealots Now, I’m not talking about those harmless old men who give out Bibles like they’re lollipops. I’m talking about the welldressed fellows who travel miles and miles to campus, just to tell everyone they meet that they’re going to burn in Hell. These men can be hilarious, and will probably tell you that you have Chlamydia or that your mother is a whore. Unfortunately, once you start listening to these crazies it can be hard to stop. It’s like watching a train wreck, if the train was really sweaty and judgmental.

People You Shouldn’t Miss: Baked Goods As someone who could live off of cookies, I always appreciate organizations fundraising with baked goods in the Compass. Brownies, donuts, and muffins are a perfectly good excuse to be a couple seconds late to class. They’re always delicious. They’re always cheap, and apparently the money is going to a good cause, too. It’s worth the diabetes If it prevents a kid from getting it, right?

Random Non-VCU Students You know those guys who sit by the library and never go to class and always try to get your number and your swipes? Avoid them at all costs. They don’t go to school here, they aren’t trying to go to school here, and if you speak to them once they will never forget you. They will talk to you forever,

A Flash Mob VCU is in on the flash mob craze, and it is a beautiful thing. Random dancing is just a good time, and there’s a good chance that someone you know is in the mob. They’re usually only a few minutes, and if you see your professor tapping their foot next to you, you’re probably not going to be

Other stuff

Inside

if you’re lacking $$$, Valentine’s Day can still make sense.

see page 5

A Guide to a Frugal Valentine’s Day

marked tardy. People Giving Out Free Hugs Okay, so this could be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how much affection you received as a child. Personally, when I’m just down in the dumps, I’m all about hugging some stranger. It seems a little creepy, but those huggers are genuinely nice people who really want your day to be better. They’re not as warm and inviting as baked goods, but then again, hugs never made anybody fat. If the Compass is swarming with people to avoid and lacking in the happy department, just try to look totally unapproachable. Walk fast and remember to put on your headphones. Even if they’re not plugged into anything, people will probably not bother you. Also don’t smile, showing off good dental hygiene is cool, but at what cost? Follow these simple tips and the only reason you should be late to class is because you suck at waking up on time.

here’s how to make sure you’re the one getting some.

The season of loving isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be.

see page 9

see page 12

Ten Commandments of Club Etiquette

You’re Real, Real Fake

Table of > > > PAGE 5>>>

The Top Ten Cheap Ideas for A Cheap Valentineâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s Day Date

PAGE 6>>

contents 6

Bartender of the Issue

4 10

Weâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;d pay good money to see Samuel karaoke his favorite song.

page 10 >>

Taco Bell Challenge win or lose, you still get to attempt eating 10 taco bell tacos.

page 11 >>

Oscar-Baiting we get all hot and bothered thinking about these best picture nominees as pornos.

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page three

pic of the week >>> want to win

a very harold and kumar christmas

on dvd?

Obviously, right?

sorry bro #thatawkwardmoment when you realize you weren’t invited to a party in your own house...

Think your caption is good enough for Page Three? Psh, we’d like to see it! Send your caption to caption@theblacksheeponline.com and we’ll be the judge of that.

sexy anagrams >>>

Can you guess these hotties?

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The first 5 right answers win prizes! word of the week >>> herfuffle

Breast Icky El

A Snare Enjoys Rhythm

submit your own word at word@theblacksheeponline.com if you think you’re so clever.

Definition: Any argument that is a direct result of two people fighting over one woman. The herfuffle between Keith and Marshall hit an apex when Marshall took Amanda ice skating over the weekend.

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www.theblacksheeponline.com THe top ten Cheap Ideas for a Valentine’s Day Date

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10. Take a trip to the museum Have a bus pass? Will travel? Take a ride and get a sweet discount. It’s easy and cheap, and the naked cavepeople will really get the sexyjuices flowing. 9. Visit the student art galleries Don’t feel like meeting up at the bus stop and awkwardly waiting with your date for the bus to come late, like it usually does? No sweat, you can save your time by checking out the Anderson Gallery. Again, the nudity.

our Guide to a Frugal Valentine’s Day Ta Trammell wrote this The perfect gift, the perfect card, the perfect moment and the memories that go along with it; sounds like one of those “He went to Jared” commercials. This is what many of us try to achieve from a mystery-chocolate-filled holiday called Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day was first celebrated as Lupercalia in early Rome. They celebrated the God of fertility. The celebration started with an animal sacrifice and ended with young women being smacked with the dead animal’s skin; kinky. Centuries later, when most think of Valentine’s Day, they feel a strange combination of fear, anxiety, and loneliness. These days, women aren’t excited to get whipped with the skin of dead animals because that tradition is no longer fitting, at least not in public. Instead of sacrificing lambs on Valentine’s Day, we are spending almost $14 billion a year. On average, Americans shower their loved ones with 180 million red roses and almost 36 million heart-shaped boxes of candy; this must not include college students. So what do you get first? First let’s get the card. You don’t want a card that says “Hey, I’m in love with you,” if you met only two weeks ago. You also don’t want a card that’s so corny it seems to be written by a first grader. The goal is to get a card that fits your personality. Don’t be afraid of the dollar store, it’s the perfect place for inspiration. If you can’t find a card that fits you personally, get a blank one and write your heart out. When in doubt, Google some love quotes. After switching a couple words around here and there, your mate will think you’re a modern day Shakespeare. Everybody loves someone who is fake good with words. Next, there are the chocolates. If your loved one likes every flavor ever made, the chocolates are a good buy. If they are picky and don’t like mystery flavors like coconutchocolate-cherry drop, sorry chum, you’ve wasted at least $12. Once again, our destination is the dollar store. Figure out their favorite chocolate or candy; don’t be afraid to snoop in their garbage for ideas: take one for the team. You can set up the candy on their bed or desk (prefer-

ably in a heart shape for dramatic effect). Make you sure you buy a little extra, just in case their pleasantly plump roommate has a sweet tooth. The next step is a little tricky, but if executed properly I bet the neighbors will know your first and last name, if you know what I mean. I’m talking about the gift. First, think about the things that your mate loves the most; emotionally, physically, and spiritually (all free of course). If they love long walks through the unbalanced streets of Richmond, that’s what you give them. Create various coupons, hand-written or typed, which could be exchanged for things like massages, lap dances, stripteases, and a little extra attention downstairs. Who wouldn’t love that? Also, this is the perfect time to whip out those dining dollars and treat your boo to a meal for two. If you’re running low, go to Shafer on your own before hand and eat until your heart is content. By the time dinner comes, you won’t even be hungry and you can proudly say “get what you want babe”. Making the correct selections is vital to your relationship. If your significant other doesn’t get that amazing gift to brag to their friends about, don’t be surprised if they call Cheaters, because they think you’re two-timing them. The most important thing to do is observe. Don’t miss anything. If you have to go in the bathroom after them to see what they ate that day, you do it. If you have to go deep into their trash to find their favorite candy bar, you do it. You do it for love. Love is way more complex than just gifts and mystery chocolate. The only people that can say they celebrate the true meaning of Valentine’s Day are the homeless. They don’t watch T.V. so they are unaware of the commercialism aspect of it all. Maybe on Valentine’s Day, George, the homeless man, gathers up enough change to get his wife, Helga, a new shirt or an extra candy bar; that’s true love. Let’s not get caught up in the heart-shaped, fluffy bear aspect of Valentine’s Day and try to remember the real reason we show our love; to get laid. You don’t have to spend Valentine’s Day cash to get that Valentine’s Day ass.

8. Go see a local show Like music? There are tons of shows at Strange Matter, Empire, Cary St., The Camel and other venues around Richmond, where the charge is about 5 dollars. The music will be loud enough to make conversation impossible, so you can avoid the inevitable and awkward conversation about her recently deceased grandma. 7. Visit Carytown If you want to ball on a budget, stretch those funds with a walk up Cary Street to visit Carytown. Spend your last six bucks and pop into Sweet Frog for frozen yogurt. You can always eat a real meal next week. 6. Have a Shafer date Yeah, Shafer kind of sucks sometimes. But if you’re like the rest of us broke college kids, then you know that it’s not every day you can afford to take your crush or significant other to a nice restaurant to wine and dine them. Go Dutch and have them swipe for themselves, nothing like having your parents subsidize your love life. 5. No money for the overpriced candy at Rite-Aid? Go to Commons Convenience They have tons of chocolate candy in heart shaped boxes and chocolate-covered pretzels with pink and red sprinkles that go right in the theme for Valentine’s Day. And you don’t have to worry about over-withdrawing from your debit card, since you can just use your dining dollars there. 4. People watch on the Compass The date will make for interesting conversation and with all the weird things that go on at the Compass. Feel free to openly mock the fire-and-brimstone preacher, and remind him that though it’s named for a saint, Valentine’s Day has its roots in paganism. 3. Go to Chili’s Think you’re too good for a Shafer date? Then step up your classiness up with a trip to Chili’s, where you can feel like you’re in an intimate restaurant setting, but at the same time you’re able to use your dining dollars and not feel like you’re breaking the bank. Also, don’t forget to present that heart shaped box of chocolates at the door when you guys meet up. 2. Do an activity put on by an organization There’s always something going on around campus, especially during holidays. A speed dating event for all you single folks out there? Go to it. Really flip the holiday the bird by pretending to be deaf. 1. Dinner and a movie in the commons Hey it might sound cheesy, but it’s the ultimate way to save if you’re strapped for cash. It’s key to present your date with a gift that looks expensive, but really isn’t. That way they won’t think you’re the biggest cheapskate on the planet, only a close second.

vcu staff wrote this

www.theblacksheeponline.com

Bartenderof the Issue

Samuel Scholfield Chili’s @ Cary & Belvidere

Age: 23 Nickname: I just go by Samuel Favorite Shot: Alien Brain Hemorrhage Favorite Drink to Make: Long Island Porn Name: Jack Johnson Personal Theme Song: “Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)” by Eurythmics Life Motto: “Go with the flow!” Favorite Pick-up Line: You’re like a bottle of Skele-Gro; you’re growing me a bone Dream Date: Pharrell Have you ever hooked up with an employee? Yes, they don’t work here

drinking game:

deal or no deal Since we’re all in the Valentine’s Day spirit, The Black Sheep thought it would be great to play a little game that exposes all of the nasty sexual fantasies that you and your boy/ girlfriend have played out. What You’ll Need: A blank deck of cards (or just cut up pieces of paper, you cheap bastard), shot glasses, and any form of liquor. May we suggest Fruit Punch Burnett’s? It’s red! Like V-day! Number of Players: The more the merrier! And the more opportunity for all of your friends to reveal some things that you may or may not have wanted to know. Level of Intoxication: Depending on how slutty the people you hang out with are, well, things can get pretty shitty. How to Play: - Have everyone think of the most crude and disturbing sexual performances that they can possibly wrap their perverted minds around and write them on the cards. Try to think of at least 20. - Each person picks a card one at a time. - Read the card aloud. For example, “Ate donuts off of my boyfriend’s butt with my hands tied behind my back.” If you have done the act described on the card, you must take a shot. -Depending on the severity of the card, the group can up-vote it to two shots. Things like “juggled balls” obviously only get one shot, but something like, “Performed the Alaskan Pipeline on my girlfriend,” definitely should be up-voted to two. Maybe even three. Look it up. - Keep tally of how many shots each person has taken. -At the end of the game, the person who has taken the most shots is not only is the drunkest, but also has to let everyone slap him or her on the bare ass with a leather belt. NOTE: The point of this game is to get drunk and admit some weird things for the love of St. Valentine. If you lie about what you have (or haven’t) done, then you will be punished. Some way, somehow, by a higher power. The Game Ends When: You’ve run out of cards and everyone is thoroughly humiliated and strangely turned on.

anymore though Funniest think you’ve seen on the job: The other day, a lady was changing her baby on one of the tables in the dining area Weirdest place you’ve hooked up: A construction site Turn-offs: Bad hygiene and attitude Celebrity you want to beat up: Kanye West Favorite song to karaoke to: “Wait (The Whisper Song)” by Ying Yang Twins Weirdest place you’ve thrown up: On my friend’s lap in the back of her car

recipe for disaster:

Hummus

A Middle Eastern classic— hummus makes a great, fresh-tasting appetizer and lunch, or a light healthy snack any time of day. Also, it has been scientifically proven that the only way to beat the terrorists is to steal their yummy, delicious food-snacks (I swear I’m not a racist, just a bigot). Pick a side, dammit, we’re at war. What You’ll Need: Chickpeas, oil, garlic, lemon juice, salt, pita bread and a blender. Cook Time: About 5 minutes. Fatty Factor: This shit is so healthy you might lose calories eating it. Let’s Get Baked: - Place plenty of chickpeas in the blender. We’re not going for scientific measurements here, just classic guesstimation. - Pour oil into blender; again, use your best judgment. - Put garlic into blender – either enough to kill a vampire or barely enough to qualify as an ingredient, (all depends on how much you like or dislike garlic). - Pour lemon juice into blender. - Add salt as necessary. - Blend on high speed until you see that it is smooth and creamy (gross). - If necessary, stop blender to scrape the sides. - Spoon into a serving dish. - Scoop into your face with pita bread. - Drape yourself in your American flag and get ready to start your day. Congratulations, if you have made it this far, you are officially an American hero. Your medal is on its way; please allow 3-4 business days for delivery.

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ten commandments

of club etiquette timothy jones wrote this

There’s nothing worse than being around craziness in the club. It’s always the same thing. Some dude steps on another dude’s shoes, moments later a push leads to a punch. Two girls fight over a guy that was playing them both. A dude holding on to you because he can’t handle the girl that he’s dancing with. A group of random guys mean mugging you because they think that you’re a part of a rival gang. Seeing a guy get knocked out and having to be carried off of the dance floor by the bouncer. And then there is the awful experience of having a random, incredibly unattractive member of the opposite sex come up to you out of nowhere and start flirting with you. A lot of crazy things happen in the club, and it’s no surprise when you really think about it. What else would you expect to happen when you have a bunch of drunk, horny people in the same building for several hours? With all of that being said you can still have a good time at the club if you know what to do and what not to do. Here is simple list of rules and guidelines on how to carry yourself in the club. Here are the Ten Commandments of Club Etiquette: • Thou shalt always get there early. If doors open at 9:30 and it’s free before 11, you need to be there about 45 minutes to an hour before they start char. The line gets long really quickly and moves really slowly so that by the time you get to the door, you have to pay the full price to get in. • Thou shalt not drink when you’re in line. It’s the fastest way to get kicked out, and really, you shouldn’t

be here if you can’t afford it. • Thou shalt not argue with the bouncer, even if he’s being a jerk. If he wants to, he can call the cops over and have them escort you off the premises and that’s really embarrassing. • If thou havest a jacket or coat, always keep it with you or put it in a place where you know it’s safe. That’s just common sense. • If thou are on the dance floor, make sure thou art dancing. There’s nothing worse than to keep bumping into the same person standing in the same spot for the last half hour. • Thou shalt not stare at the girls like a creeper. Nothing says “Hey, if you dance with me I’ll find a way to slip something in your drink!” faster than the across-the-room staredown. • Thou shalt go with the flow. So she turned you down after you asked for a dance and the line for the drinks is deeper than the Mariana Trench. Stop complaining. • Thou shalt watch where thou art going. At the club, everything is in fluid motion, if you don’t keep your head on a swivel you’ll end up with a drink on your shirt or a fist in your face. • Thou shalt stay out of fights before thou gets pulled into them. Backing up your bros is important, but so are all of your teeth. • Thou shalt not worry if thou does not get in. There’s always next weekend. These are the basics when it comes to the do’s and don’ts of the club. You’ll make through the night without getting beat up, shot, or arrested so you can do it all over again the next night.

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Beat The Black Sheep:

The Taco Bell Challenge

Ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell, a stopwatch and a mean competitive streak. That’s all we had. That’s all you need. Can you beat us? By Brendan

The Challenge

How fast can one man eat ten crunchy tacos from Taco Bell?

TheA 6’3”, Challenger 185lb male.

TheUm,Plan of Attack to eat those tacos as fast as I possibly can.

The Prediction

I was relatively certain that I could finish all 10 tacos. Prior to the competition, I was hoping to complete the challenge in less than 10 minutes. Those that had witnessed me eat before were guessing in the 6-7 minute range.

The Retroactive Diary Taco 1 (17 seconds): I go down on this taco faster than a Skid Row whore who hasn’t had a fix in an hour. Seriously, count to 17. Can you eat a taco that quickly? It’s as though millions of tiny MSG particles cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Taco 2 (24 seconds): Watching myself inhale tacos on video, I feel an overwhelming sense of selfshame. You know how when you hear yourself on the phone you think, “there’s no way I sound like that.”? Now picture yourself spastically eating as fast as you can. Taco 3 (24 seconds): The amount of food falling out of my mouth is just…disgusting. Taco 4 (22 seconds): Before I begin this taco, a coworker ridicules me for not dousing my taco treasure in Fire Sauce. Clearly they do not understand that doing so would only add precious seconds to an incredibly time-sensitive challenge. Also: Fire Sauce sucks. There, I said it. Taco 5 (26 seconds): Somewhere in the middle of this taco I decide it’s time to take the first sip of my first drink. Diet Pepsi, of course, because I’m trying to lose weight with this challenge. Mostly by shitting my pants.

Taco 6 (28 seconds): After taking down the sixth taco before hitting the three minute mark, I’m 100% confident that I’ll demolish this challenge. It is not difficult. Taco 7 (27 seconds): I don’t really remember anything specific about this taco, but on the ride back with my food I saw a homeless child. I considered giving him one of my ten tacos. I did not, for the sake of the challenge. I still feel pretty bad about this. Taco 8 (24 seconds): I stab myself in the gums with a shard of taco shell. Honestly, that’s the hardest part of this challenge. When one is trying to shovel as much food into their pie hole as they can, injury can be expected. Taco 9 (26 seconds): At this point I’m not hungry, I’m not full, there’s not much left to the challenge and I’m just going as fast as I can to get the damn thing over with. Thank god third world countries have very limited access to the internet; this is gluttony at its finest, people. Taco 10 (31 seconds): Would a Taco Bell taco by any other name taste so distinctly of feet? Finally, YUM! Brand foods gets the best of me and I’m held to over 30 seconds on my final taco. Raucous applause fills the room as the crowd hails me as their new king. (Note: This does not happen.)

time: 5 minutes, 41 seconds

Are You In?

Think you can beat our time, tubby? Prove it. Tweet us at @theblacksheep99 with a link to a video of you mowing down on ten Taco Bell crunchy tacos. No exceptions. Do it, we’ll pop a picture of your bad, fat ass in the paper and send you a shirt. Yeah, we’ll even pay the postage.

The Aftermath

Honestly, eating that much Taco Bell wasn’t nearly as bad as we thought. As of this writing we’ve been digesting this future diarrhea for three hours and we don’t feel too bad. Sure, we’re a little gassy, but we expected to be moaning on the ground in throes of stabbing intestinal pain. The mental anguish, on the other hand, is pretty heavy. I just inhaled 1,700 calories in less than six minutes. And it’s not like I’ve even consumed high-quality food, the wet dog flavor never really escapes Taco Bell’s meat.

Don’t Believe Us?

Well, we videotaped the whole thing. Visit us at theblacksheeponline.com and search “Taco Bell Challenge.” The video will be hosted there, haters.

the entertainment page

oscar-baiting

On February 26th the 84th Academy Awards will light up television screens the world over. The show is little more than glorified masturbation, a group of people getting together to reassure one another of their awesomeness. But what if it really were an exercise in masturbation? Well, break out the lube, because we’re making us some pornos.

The Artist Porn Title: The Hardest Synopsis: A true masterpiece that harkens back to the days of silent smut, The Hardest features scenes shot in color, using only the finest interracial couples the adult film industry has to offer. This silent (perfect for young masturbators looking to avoid awkward parental questioning!) climaxes with Tyler Hardthrob vertically dancing the night away with newcummer Alice Wundersnatch.

Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close Porn Title: Scream Loud In Bed Without Clothes Synopsis: Set in a post-9/11 New York, this film features Tom Spanks and transsexual phenom Sandra Bullcock taking park in a series of sexual one-upmanship as they attempt to forget the suffering they endured as they watched those two long, hard towers cum tumbling down. You’ll be tearjerkin’ the night away!

The Descendants Porn Title: The Jizz Scent Pants Synopsis: Fatt Thing is a Honolulubased lawyer whose life takes a turn for the worse when his cheating wife is left for dead after an intense gangbang. Unsure of who the culprit is, Fatt is forced to repeatedly thrust himself into the dark kink underworld. Each wild ride leads him closer to the culprit, but also teaches him important lessons on female sexuality—lessons that could have saved his wife’s life.

The Help Porn Title: The Herp Synopsis: Jackin’, Mississippi sets the stage for Vagina “Skeetin’” Phelan’s daring escapades in a prim-and-proper pre-segregation southern city. Still a virgin, Skeetin’ (played by sensational starlet Emma Bone) begins writing a tell-all book about Jackin’s rampant herpes epidemic, which is rooted in the overly conservative school district’s lack of a proper sexual health curriculum. She chooses to contract the disease through a series of steamy lesbian encounters that burn harder than her soon-to-be-oozing sores.

cd review

out now

of montreal Paralytic Stalks Paralyzing the stalks that are your brain nerves, of Montreal definitely delivers. Of Montreal is weird. Kind of like Animal Collective weird, but a little more listenable initially. And also kind of like David Bowie weird, but a lot of danceable tunes. This gang of poppy lunatics hail from Georgia, which is quite the distance from Montreal, but has little to do with the band anyway. Their latest, Paralytic Stalks, is only a reminder of how crazy this band is, how universally abstract you are, and if those mushrooms have set in or if you’re just in a permanently good mood. Since forming in 1996, of Montreal has put out nearly a dozen full-length albums, with Paralytic Stalks being their 11th. While the majority of the album isn’t eerie, creepy, dramatic abstract sounds, these are what make the album uniquely poppy. Mixed in between pop tunes and electronic beats, these acid-induced dark sounds are a far cry from modern indie pop music and a damn refreshing cry at that. The ambient and eclectic layering of sounds are great to listen to with or without drugs involved, giving the listener an experience and actual feeling, which is hard to come by these days. Sure, Kevin Barnes unique psychedelic vocals might freak you the fuck out, but at least you’re feeling something. Their final track, “Authentic Pyrrhic Remission” is just over 13 minutes long, yet feels like 3 different songs, and one

GRADE B-

of my favorites on the album. The beginning starts off with unusual beats and higher-pitched singing, bordering on hardly catchy, but definitely interesting enough to stand out. Somewhere, somehow, in the middle, it starts to slow down with some distant chanting, forcing the listener to take a breath, lean back and hold on. The song tapers off into near nothingness, with just the slightest hint of static to keep the listener hanging on for more, ending in a nice light with soft piano and vocals. Ahhh… everything will be okay. This kind of music is hard to judge. Do I like listening to it? Of course— it’s different and it gets my attention, and sometimes even forces me to bob my head around. Do I want to listen to it on repeat? Probably not, because I think it might stress me out a little. But there’s no denying the utter creativity that this group has, comparable to greats like the aforementioned Animal Collective, Bowie, and even The Beatles. If you’re looking for something that’s out of your comfort level, of Montreal’s Paralytic Stalks will definitely do the trick. Sounds Like: Trippy Beatles with poppy screaming. Download: Wintered Debts, Authentic Pyrrhic Remission Listen to it When: You’re weird, and want to feel normal.

UPCOMING RELEASES Van Halen - A Different Kind of Truth Dierks Bentley - Home

Paul McCartney -Kissed on the Bottom The Lemonheads - Hotel Sessions

The Fray - Scars & Stories Dr. Dog - Be the Void

Hugo Porn Title: Huge-O Synopsis: The son of a down-andout urologist, Huge-O is destined for the life of a street rat. One day, though, the 13-year-old discovers masturbation for the first time. Content with a life of self-gratification, this bildungsroman chronicles Huge-O as he continues living life as a filthy homeless man, embarking on a series of masturbation fantasies that keep him warm at night when the newspapers stuffed in his coat cannot. Midnight in Paris Porn Title: Dick Tight in Pair of Tits Synopsis: Gil Bendher is an on-therise adult film star known for his ejaculatory prowess. He attempts to escape the temptations of fortune and fame in America by traveling across the pond to Paris, France. While there, Bendher accidentally enters a time-warp that brings him to the 1890s. Horny and alone, he quickly seduces a woman, but finds hygiene in the period wildly offensive. This epiphany allows him to see through the bushes, as he come to terms with his loads of fame, and being violently thrust into the spotlight.

Moneyball Porn Title: Moneyballs Synopsis: Billy Beanflicker thought he was living the dream. A male pornstar by 20, he retired at 24 after a freak accident left his boner permanently misshapen. He took a job as the Production Manager for the Cokeland V’s, a lesbian production company based out of northern California. Wary of the sky-high budgets of rival porn companies based out of L.A., Beanflicker assembles a rag-tag group of lipstick lesbos, turning a profit by filming them doing some of the most degrading things the creamscreen has ever seen. The Tree of Life Porn Title: The Skeet of Life Synopsis: Widely considered a pornographic opus fresh from the mind of adult film legend Terrence Paldick, The Skeet of Life dares to ask the question, “Are we all nothing more than man yogurt?” Paldick ruminates on this theme through a series of vignettes starring classically-trained adult actors Sean Pennis, Harry Oldmanballs and George C. Cock massaging their members to climax in ultraslow motion. Run time: 6 hours. War Horse Porn Title: War Whores Synopsis: Opening at the dawn of WWI, War Whores features screen legend Mata Whori as a proprietor of a small brothel in west France. Hell-bent on helping her country defeat the German menace, Whori uses her womanly wares, seducing young opposition officers, and arousing feelings of resentment (and boners) in anyone who willfully calls the evil Kaiser Drillthem II their Emperor.

Ben Kweller - Go Fly a Kite Air- Le Voyage Dans La Lune

you’re real.. real fake daniel park wrote this As the ‘Day of Love’ nears, a symphony of telephones will ring at Edo’s Squid and the Lemaire at the Jefferson Hotel– with your special somebody reserving a table for two. It is interesting how only the receptionist understands how you truly feel about making the reservation; just by the tone of your voice, her special hostess-ears decode it. Whether the date’s being made out of reluctance or from the bottom-left chamber of your heart, she can tell. She tags you in a note on the system, Mr. Doe didn’t sound too happy about the appointment, a bouquet of flowers for the table. Maybe dessert on the house? It’s routine. These hostesses are programmed to, “exceed expectations of our guests”. Now that doesn’t mean you should call in with your most pathetic, depressed voice and reserve the corner table in the Napa Room..These days, the whole restaurant staff knows exactly how you feel before you step onto their stage. From the valet parking lot to the concierge, the multilingual man greets you so cheerfully, with a smile wide enough to tear the corners of his lips. “Good evening, Mr. Doe!” with a strong handshake, then immediately transfer his attention, “My, Mrs. Doe, you look stunning tonight.”He holds the entrance door, and a warm welcome awaits from the host team, “Doe, party for two?” remember, they are specifically trained to initiate casual conversation, “how is your night going so far?” Honestly, how is your night going? Or how would you like it to go? You’re sitting at the table across this beautiful girl or charming

guy. And no, you aren’t already imagining them on top of you; come on, the wine hasn’t even hit the table yet. Take a brief moment of silence; think about all the good and bad things you’ve been through up to this evening. Now, pause. Barbies are not all blonde. They come in all colors and bra sizes. Personalities vary like the flavors in a bag of Skittles, but each individual piece tastes so unique and sweet. One common trait though, that every Barbie toys share, is that they are plastic. Yes, superficial. You see, the only difference between dating a plastic, soulless woman and purchasing a handy-dandy Fleshlight is that ... the Fleshlight is cheaper. Don’t trap yourself with the calculated ways of how she puts on that rehearsed show with her cleavage; save your money. You ask, “Daniel, how can you say that?” I answer, Reader, I have been duped and caged for almost two years by one of these magnificent beasts. Yes, a majestic creature methodically glued the fluffy, white fur on her body in secret and caught my eye; my neck swiveled so far around it almost broke. About a year into her plan, big words such as, “love” and “marriage” surfaced, and the consummate lover inside me accepted her with open doors and open legs while every ounce of my being screamed, “iceberg ahead, dumbass!” The whole time I felt my hand stuck in a jarful of piranhas. The floss she used to blindfold my Asian eyes was also the fishing line that connected the Chipotle she lured me with. It sucked, but I learned.

Why? Why do you superficial Tinkerbelles trap us in your cute little green tutus? Honestly, if that’s the cycle of life we boys must adapt to and the rules we have to start abiding by, just remember one thing: in my opening paragraph, I never specified whether it was the guy or the girl who made the reservation for the Valentine’s Day date. I feel that V-Day is one of those days in the year that should be something the guy plans ahead, as a gesture of his manhood. If it was the man who made the call in the opening paragraph, props. If it was the girl who did it, stops. Keep it real on Valentine’s Day.

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the crossword: animal mascots 7

8 9 10 11 12

across: 6) The Always Sunny wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 words) 11) A rainbow-bleaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 words) 12) Can he get hump cancer? (2 words) 13) When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 words) 16) John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. 17) Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 E M F R O G

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Down answers >> The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, totally makes sense. (2 Words) campus director 4 beer mascot that can drink Brendan A Bonham like a horse. Founders 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly Republic Starbucks Sarah Aboulhosn called this. Mojo’s Philadeli Godfreys Lenton Alston 1800 Bar & Grill Carry St for Cafe 7 Fowler This Linux penguin is dressed Mecca Fish Bowl Cha Cha’s formal event. Brendan a Bonham First & Main ElecLucky Buddha Atish 8 Doshi He's a tired mascot, but not tronics Off Theas Hookah Heather-Jotired Erickson The Camel cavemen. Stuffy’s as those damn Club Infuzion Rumors Jimmy DeBlasio 9 Sommers This tall toy pusher can reach Posh Crossroads - ice Jessica cream and coffee the top shelf ofAurora the Legos. Village Cafe shop Questions? 10 Yo quiero shitting my pants. (3Book Little Mexico Virginia info@theblacksheeponline.com Little Mexico Company Words) 821 Cafe Absolute Tattoo 14 How many licks does it take him Advertising? Strange Matter Plaza art supply to get to the center ads@theblacksheeponline.com Cous Cous of your shop Bellytimber Apprentice Hair 608-712-0900 mom? (2 Words) Roxy Cafe Salon 15 These animalsStarlite hawked a Ramz Nails 3-syllable beer. 1

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DOWN: 1) The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2) A grrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes. (3 words) 3) 80’s dog shilling Bud Light totally makes sense. (2 words) 4) A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5) A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7) This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8) He’s a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9) This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10) Yo quiero shitting in my pants. (3 words) 14) How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 words) 15) These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.

words) 18) He’s addicted to Smack(s). (2 words)

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A F 2 3 L T S 4 5 A C O P S 6 7 C H A R L I E T U N A U N 8 Y U Y G D U D X T E S G E H C M G N S A M E K A L 12 D T J O E C A M E L A I K L G E N E R G I Z E R B U N N Y R Z 14 15 M I F 17 U K E P O L A R B E A R O O W G L S

G 10 E T 11 T O U C A F C F O E B 13 R E Y L L 16 D O 18 G

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the clues Across 6 The "Always Sunny" wild card would enjoy this chicken of the sea. (2 Words) 11 A rainbow-beaked sugar high waiting to happen. (2 Words) 12 Can he get hump cancer? (2 Words) 13 When it humps, it just keeps going and going and going. (2 Words) 16 John Wayne nicknamed dog loves baked beans. 17 Their Coca-Cola will surely be cold. (2 Words) 18 He's addicted to Smack(s). (2 Words)

Down 1 The mascot for this insurance company got his degree from Oregon. 2 A grrrrrreat way to give your children type 2 diabetes (3 Words) 3 80's dog shilling Bud Light, totally makes sense. (2 Words) 4 A beer mascot that can drink like a horse. 5 A fabric softener bear, aptly called this. 7 This Linux penguin is dressed for a formal event. 8 He's a tired mascot, but not as tired as those damn cavemen. 9 This tall toy pusher can reach the top shelf of the Legos. 10 Yo quiero shitting my pants. (3 Words) 14 How many licks does it take him to get to the center of your mom? (2 Words) 15 These animals hawked a 3-syllable beer.

class tim e

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