Volume 1, Issue 2 | 9/08/11 - 9/29/11 | WWW.THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
The
Black Sheep
“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”
College Happy Hour: Showing up downtown at 5:00 and enjoying a few $2 Long Islands so you don’t end up spending money when shit gets expensive. Real Happy Hour: Bitching about how boring your 9-5 life is, while sipping pansy cocktails. Out there in corporate America it’s not uncommon for a stressed-out co-worker to make a half-assed comment about how life is “so hard” and they “really need a drink after work.” The solution? Happy hour. Reality check: this should be called “unhappy hour” because no one does anything but maybe sip an Appletini and complain about how boring life is and how they can’t get laid. Gone are the days of finding a few quarters in your pocket and knowing it would be enough to have you feeling great by dinner. Actually no, you can probably still pull this off, but it’s way less socially acceptable.
Inside
e. fin ..like d e sw ver ag yt fro hin m g o us n P if y age ou 14! can
college: the final fun-tier
In reality, we all go to college to make lifelong friends, get sloshed, and spend four — or more if you’re doing it right — years taking advantage of the fact that we’re young, dumb, and have no real sense of responsibility (that’s what Tom Petty told me, at least). And by some mode of osmosis or crazy phenomenon, we end up learning a few things in this golden era. But, as we’ve heard so many times before, not everything people tell you is true (unless it’s on Wikipedia, then take it as law). So before you start prepping for the “real world,” I figured I’d crush any sense of hope you may have for life outside of Blacksburg. Once you’re out of here life alters radically—and other than having actual money, it’s not for the best. For some of you, this is going to be a sad and painful realization - so grab some tissues, a case of Natty, and read on:
Other stuff
Fre
Liz McDonald wrote this College Commuter: Anyone who thinks riding the bus is for freshman, but still lives less than two miles away. Real Commuter: Someone who has to wake up at the asscrack of dawn to make it to their boring 9-5 life at an acceptable hour. Consider this a fair warning — in the real world stalking people for parking spaces is totally unacceptable. Pulling the whole “Hey! I’ll give you a ride to your car!” scam in order to find a parking spot? Have fun getting sprayed with mace and probably arrested for being freaking creepy. You might as well put ‘FREE CANDY’ on the side of your car and see what happens. When I tried to explain the concept of a commuter parking pass to the people at my internship, they were very confused as to why I would live so far from the school that I had to commute. When I told them I was a commuter that lived less than a mile away, they looked at me like I had a third boob. College Date: Hooking up with some random guy in Pritchard while trying to: a.) Hope no one hears you and b.) Not fall off of the loft. Real Date: From what I’ve heard, sometimes conversation is involved... This is undoubtedly the most painful post-college realization. The odds of meeting your next girlfriend by waking up next to her after a toga party gone wrong? Slim to none. Finding your next “lover” by trawling Lee Street? Not so likely anymore. From what I’ve heard, you’re actually expected to meet sober, and talk…and...stuff. What, don’t think this is the lifestyle for you? Wanna keep living the dream? Good luck, because the
04: the 12 faces of bud foster don’t worry, we love each and every one of them!
walk-of-shame technique gets so much more difficult when you live in a city, or don’t have a nerdy roommate to come pick your sorry ass up. Sorry bros and hoes - I know this realization must be super depressing. My suggestion? Start watching shitty romantic comedies and practicing awful pick-up lines...you’re going to need them. College “Wednesday”: Fat chance, you’ve been out since Thursday. Real “Wednesday”: A day between Tuesday and Thursday. And you still have to work. When you’re getting paid, you’re expected to show up. And there’s like, “consequences,” if you don’t. You can’t stalk a timetable to make sure you don’t have to work MWF. Not only that, but people won’t even understand the concept of going out on a Tuesday. I can already picture one of the office ladies looking at you like a talking Twinkie: “Where can you get liquor on Tuesday night? Applebees?” Yeah, people are going to actually adhere to this “Weekends are only Saturday and Sunday” bullshit. No, I don’t get it either. Even if you do laugh in the face of danger and decide to bear it alone - sunglasses and sweatpants don’t work in the office. Neither does vomiting in the bathroom and both of these activities get way less impressive when you’re the only one taking part. Adios, bragging rights. Depressed yet? Killed the Natty? Good, because once you get to the real world, that won’t be acceptable either.
05: ninja kitchen we find out the truth about this amazing place.
13: we interview kids these days sadly they are 18 and cooler than us.