Volume 1, Issue 3 | 9/29/11 - 10/19/11 | WWW.THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
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If Beamer Ran The ‘Burg
ty hodges wrote this
With all due respect to Virginia Tech President Charles Steger, every Hokie agrees that Tech really isn’t his campus. No, no, that honor goes to the real El Presidente. I’m clearly talking about Frank Beamer here, if you haven’t already caught on. Frank Beamer runs this campus from Lane Stadium, across the drillfield, and right into Steger’s office where he makes the big time decisions that affect the school. Wouldn’t it be interesting if Frank Beamer really had the reins to the school? What would campus be like? I’ve got a couple ideas. 1) Goodbye ACC, Hello SEC This move wouldn’t take long. Frank Beamer wants that BCS title in college football and the best way to get there is to play in the SEC. The SEC has won five straight national titles. There’s a reason for that right? Of course there is! Because in the SEC you get to play Alabama, Florida, Auburn, LSU, Ole Miss, Mississippi State and the list goes on. It’s not that we don’t enjoy playing UNC (About to get hammered by the NCAA), Miami (Still under investigation by the NCAA), Georgia Tech (Was already hit by the NCAA), and Duke (They still have a football team?), but at some point, we need a little more. Beamer would take care of this within the first minute of being in power. The best part is that the Hokies would still get to whoop up on the Frenchmen of UVA every year with the outof-conference schedule. 2) No More JMU Transfer Students Yeah…next.
3) Thursday Nights On Gameday Are An Observable Holiday Thursday nights at Lane Stadium might be more widely celebrated on campus than most religious holidays. Sorry Christmas, this article isn’t for you! Honestly, what’s more exciting than celebrating a holiday with 66,000 of your best friends? Nothing, that’s what. Lane Stadium gets HYPE for Thursday night games and that’s exactly why Beamer would decree that all classes be cancelled that day and the Friday afterwards. All students would be encouraged to start pregaming once they woke up. The more inebriated Lane Stadium is, the louder it is. Our gamedays would be the envy of the entire SEC (see what I did there). 4) Get Rid Of That Stupid New Traffic Circle This really has nothing to do with anything, but seriously that thing is so annoying. Get on it, Beams. 5) Replace All Academic Buildings With Training Facilities Let’s all be honest. This whole “learning” this is way overrated. Everyone at this school loves going to football games and loathes going to classes. The clear solution is to get rid of the school aspect and embrace the football aspect! Imagine how much better our team would be if instead of Intro to Psychology our wide receivers could be taking Route Running 101. Why the hell would David “I Catch Rabbits” Wilson want to take Floral Design when he could just as easily be taking Advanced Ankle Breaking? This all makes perfect sense. College athletics is becoming its own entity so why not just embrace that? It’s less about the university now-a-days and more about the team. Beamer isn’t afraid of changing with the times. Now if we can only get him to wear some Sperry’s on the sidelines we’ll be set.
Other stuff
Inside
04: Things You’re Not You may never be an astronaut, but there’s also dozens of other things you’re unqualified for!
07: How to Land an Engineer We’ll use CAD to map out a path to his heart...
09: we Interviews: Fighting Gravity VT’s very own world-famous dance troupe talks to us.amazing place.
02
Table of
contents
Page 04
Page 05
Page 05
Page 08
Page 10
Page 12
UDIs Sometimes when you wake up, more than your pride is hurt.
04
We Interview: Ninja Kitchen Wait, what? Ninjas don’t talk!
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10
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Da 10 nce -0 Pa 8 rty
Du b Die Na sel tio bo n: y
TE dit ion
DJ 10-0
The 14th Minute Why are these people famous? We’re guessing porn?
Figure out this cryptic message and win a prize!
Da 1 Bla tB cks oi bu rg Liv eM usi 10 c O -0 pe 6 Ru nM Da bble ic nce bu Re cket vo w lt a ith nd Te 10 Sp rror -0 ark Pi 7 Ar geo Pla res n y: ter V
wit hL 0 ath 9-3 er 0 LIV E
The Bar Grid We’re all broke, so let’s check out some specials.
Page 14: the puzzle...
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Ur th
Sperry’s Response to Lance Diamond This Hokie is totally full of crap.
Top 10: Teams to watch in the beer Olympics!
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Dutch hat and his ironic shirt to be uncool, which is now cool. He’s such a Shapeshipster."
04
Unidentifed Drunken Injuries
Sophia P. wrote this
fish-bowl margaritas, stairwells, TOTS Tuesdays, and high heel shoes. Typically, any hope of recalling how you got injured is futile. However, if you’re really determined to figure out why you legitimately feel like you were hit by a bus, mass texts and a detective routine similar to the one found in The Hangover yield the best results. First step toward taking the U out of UDI - ask your friends. Chances are they not only remember what happened to you last night, but they can reenact exactly how stupid you looked while (insert drunken action here). Who knows, maybe UDIs are a common occurrence for you – if this is the case, check YouTube.
My roommate came into my room the other day with an enormous bruise on the back of her right thigh, “I think I fell last night,” she said. “What the hell happened?” We’ve all been there, follow me, if you will, as I flashback to an all too familiar scene for many of my fellow collegiate companions…Waking up, lying face down in a pile of smashed tortilla chips and soggy Jimmy Johns wrappers, only to discover that your full-body hangover isn’t simply from a lack of Advil and water, but that somewhere between shower beers (uhh… it’s called pre-gaming the pre-game) and however-the-hell you got home, you got hurt. If you have ever woken up with bloody limbs, bruises, scrapes, cuts, or stitches – without remembering how they got there – then you have been a victim of an unidentified drunken injury. Don’t panic, UDIs happen every day; you should know that you’re not alone. UDIs do not discriminate by age, gender, or chosen major and they can strike at any time. Studies show that level of intoxication and inclement weather may increase your risk of a UDIs, as will
If your friends have no idea what happened to you last night, then your chances of discovering what caused your injury have drastically declined – in this case, the best you can do would be to check your pockets, camera, phone, and purse/wallet for any sorts of clues to help you remember where you were. Maybe you have a tendency to tweet or text while intoxicated – this could seriously help your case. If you’re like me, you’re not even going to try to sort out what happened. In this case, go ahead and assume that 5-inch heels and that spur-of-the-moment trip to Southern Exposure were probably not the best ideas (Did I really spend $80 at a strip club on a Monday night?) and uncovering whose puke got all over the outside of your car door might not be a puzzle worth piecing back together. Unfortunately, not much more can be done. While band-aids and icepacks won’t completely erase the scars left behind by what we can only assume to be a shark bite (or a bear attack, or whatever) they’ll help you heal quicker. It’s time to start thinking of some excellent excuses to tell every person that asks about your injury – your brand new UDI might even land you a few free drinks if you play your cards right. So before you head back to sleep pop a few Tylenol and chug a bottle of Gatorade, all that’s left to do is rest up for round two.
Things You’re Not
the staff wrote this
So, remember in sixth grade when your English teacher told you that you could be whatever you wanted to be? She lied. Like, complete and utter bullshit. I hate to break the news to you, but it’s true. You cannot be whatever you want to be. If that was true, we’d all be LeBron James, or Mac Miller, or Emma Watson. We sure as hell would not be in college to get a degree. But truly, I’m overreaching. What I really want to address is those of you that think you are something so I’m going to lay down a few ground rules. If you own a Nikon CoolPix, this does not make you a photographer. And dammit, if you ask me to “like” your Facebook Fan Page one more time I’m going to show up on your door step and drop kick you. Oh, so your pops bought you a Cannon DSLR? But you only use the automatic settings? THEN YOU’RE STILL NOT A PHOTOGRAPHER. Stop making your friends pose awkwardly in front of our collegiate landmarks to “build your portfolio,” stop putting your name in fancy script at the bottom of the pictures you take, and for Pete’s sake, stay the HELL away from Picnik. Speaking of Picnik, you’re also not a graphic designer! Nope, you’re not. I don’t even care if you paid full price (idiot, should’ve downloaded it) for CS5 and play in Illustrator all day drawing vector images of your dog. You’re still not a graphic designer. Nope. Not one bit. You suck. If you don’t suck, then prove it. But, my god, stop illegally taking pictures from real ESPN photographers of NFL Players and throwing some shit around their feet to make it look like lightning. Your “designs” are stupid and so are you. You’re a sratstar who is great at painting coolers? Cool. But, there’s NO SUCH CAREER as a “Professional Frat Star Cooler Painter,” so delete that sweet weebly website. Also, are people really commissioning your work? Because the whole point of painting a cooler for your guy’s formals is to DO IT YOURSELF.
Oh, you were the one that painted that horrible mural downtown? You’re not an artist. Like at all. You probably got paid in beer and the enjoyment of “accidentally” smelling paint fumes all day. You spray paint cornhole boards, too!? Oh.Em.Gee. You’re obviously a fullfledged douchebag. If the only talent you have to con money from people involves taking a piece of plywood and making it look like a second grader’s finger painting—then you need to move back in with your parents and hide in the basement until you think of a viable career. Okay, rant over. If I crushed your dreams, I apologize for not being sorry—like at all. You needed it. If you read this and think “But I have 50 fans on Facebook, people love my work.” They don’t. They liked it so they can get a good laugh. That may have seemed harsh, so I’ll make you a deal. If someone commissions any of your work that is not your family, yet you still qualify for at least one of the above factors, I’ll give you a koozie, a tshirt, and $5…and then I’ll let you take my picture, Picnik the hell out of it, and then make it my profile picture for a month. You won’t.
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WE Interview: the Ninjas
Teams to Watch…in Beer Olympics 10. Italy: When it comes to drinking, Italy is this weird hybrid between France and Spain. They lack a really unique identity, probably because all they care about is pizza and fist pumping. But really, Italy’s signature drink is Limoncello, which is an after dessert drink that comes in a double shot glass but is meant to be sipped and tastes like lemonade and heaven. Have you ever had an imported Italian beer? Exactly. Predicted Medal Count: 1, and that’s only if there’s a gondola involved in one of the games.
If you picked up Issue 2, then you saw how we uncovered one of Blacksburg’s Best Kept Secrets, The Ninja Kitchen. Well, we caught up with these dark figures looming in the alleyways of downtown and got to ask them some more questions. They even broke their vow of silence to give us a little insight into their world.
9. France: It was a hard decision whether France should be 9 or 10. Mainly because they suck at everything, but they do let their small children guzzle red wine at dinner. They’re masters of moderation. They might come out strong during the first few games but they’ll eventually pull out like they always do. Predicted Medal Count: 1.
Who are you guys? Ninjas. What’s on the menu? We release our menu every Tuesday at 2PM on our twitter, so follow us @theninjakitchen. Menu items change every weekend. Can we have a sneak peak at a menu item this weekend? The White Mexican: Barbacoa and chicken stuffed into a giant cilantro rice sushi roll. Then we roll the sushi in white queso sauce. Then we take that hot white messy dripping log of goodness and roll it in cool ranch Doritos crumbs. Then we top it off with sour cream and shredded white Mexican cheese and accidently sprinkle some chives on top. When do you guys deliver? 12am - 4am on Fridays and Saturdays Will a ninja show up at my door? Yes. How do I get the number? If you don’t have it, we flash it on Twitter at 11pm on Fridays and Saturdays. If you miss that opportunity, then you’re going hungry. The number changes every month. If we feel too many people have the number, we change it sooner.
Payment methods? Cash only Prices? All menu items are $6.00 flat. Favorite menu item? Chuck Norris: A personal pan pizza folded over and stuffed with chicken tenders, meatballs, pepperoni, shredded queso and ninja sauce. How and where do you guys come up with these menu items? Use your imagination. Biggest threat? Health officials are trying to catch us and shut us down. Does that scare you? We’re f*cking ninjas Why are you doing this instead of going out on the weekends and partying? We’re f*cking ninjas. Wake up your mother f’in taste buds, Blacksburg. We’re here to commit glorious and gluttonous crimes in your mouth.
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8. Australia: I don’t know if you’ve been to Australia, but it’s about $12 for a PINT of beer. You can get a PITCHER of beer at Sovlaki for $11. No one drinks beer in Australia because they prefer to not live in cardboard boxes. Speaking of boxes, if this was the Boxed Wine Olympics—Australia would be number 1. Predicted Medal Count: 1. 7. Russia: Now, it may surprise you to see Russia so low up on this list. But get real! This is beer Olympics and it’s surely not sponsored by Popov. The problem that Russians have with beer is that it fills them up much faster than vodka and when you’re stuffed, it’s not nearly as easy to flip that cup. Predicted Medal Count: 2. 6. Mexico: Weird, right? I thought so too. But, little did I know that Corona is the #1 selling imported beer in the US. Depending on your thoughts on immigration laws, this may not be a surprise to you, but it’s also the #1 selling Mexican beer in the world! Those Mexicans may be privy to their tequila, but they know how to throw back a few cold ones, too. Predicted Medal Count: 3 5. United States: Ohhh, quit your whining. If you really think you could walk away from Beer Olympics with more medals than the next four countries, then you need to get out of here. The United States-- in most sports but especially beer drinking-- is far more bark than bite. You could compare an American Beer Olympics Experience to that of the US Men’s Soccer team in the World Cup. Yeah, we’ll have a few killer plays that make the whole world stand up and celebrate and then we’ll completely choke and throw it all away. Sorry ‘bout it. Predicted Medal Count: 3. 4. Czech Republic: If you’ve never met someone from the Czech Republic, I would highly suggest it. They’re the toughest bunch in Eastern Europe and they love themselves some beer. There was a survey done recently and 14% of Czechs said they cannot do without alcohol. Like absolutely, cannot live without alcohol. And statistically, people who cannot do without alcohol are experts at most drinking games. Predicted Medal Count: 4. 3. Finland: I used to work with some Fins. And they were fish, especially when they travelled to America for business. Their favorite beer? PBR, naturally. My boss once told me that if the company ever wanted to send me to Finland, prepare for a complete liver domination or make an excuse to not go on the trip. Predicted Medal Count: 5.
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2. Germany: I won’t lie, it was a little bit difficult to figure out if Germany should be number two or number one, but I had to put them at two. Oktoberfest will always be Oktoberfest, yes, but did you know that Oregon has more breweries than Germany now? The Germans will definitely be able to hold their own, don’t get me wrong—but I just don’t see them coming in on top. Predicted Medal Count: 6. 1. Ireland: Look up the Irish drinking song “Beer, Beer, Beer.” If you are still wondering why Ireland is number one, you should never be allowed to drink another beer. Predicted Medal Count: 10.
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Dear Bruce: We didn’t make out cus you have stuff in your teeth. Dear Cass, I’m sorry for destroying your “How to draw children” book. Now how are you going to lure little boys and girls into your abode? Sincerely, You know damn well who I am! Dear epic hide and seeker, You left a ‘21’ pimp stein class in the black sheep sheep box. And I found it. I win. To Stephanie I met at TOTS, Marry me? - Tony Random bro that approached me outside a house party, I really hope that everything goes well with your younger sister’s pregnancy. You really know how to choose introduction topics to a friendship! James, I’m sorry I missed your birthday party but I’m glad that I was able to see one picture of money in your underpants Jeff! I just met you Saturday but seriously, that whole “kicking dirt” move isn’t going to get you any ladies Hey Mark, let’s try and keep our pants on for at least five minutes this time next time we go to a party where we don’t know anybody? Not everybody breaks the ice the way you do. Dear Roommate, Sorry you woke up while I was having sex in the bed next to you. Sincerely, Your roommate that got it in
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SEX and the u
The highest average salary for college graduates belongs to chemical engineers. HELLO, LADIES? Yes, I’m talking to you: all of you girls twirling your hair and dreaming of never working a day of your life. Is your mind wandering to a far-away land of cookie baking and chasing after little Chadwick Junior? Well then, let’s take a few minutes and talk about the real issues with being successful. No, not classes or studying or any of that crap, but finding a successful partner. Maybe you’ve been living under a rock the past few years, but Virginia Tech is pretty much famous for churning out some of the best engineers in the country. Oh, and did I mention the ratio of males to females in engineering is like, 5 to 1? So you can bet your bottom dollar that these future kazillionaires aren’t finding their soulmates in “system dynamics.” Are you drooling yet? Yeah, that house in your daydream just got like 10 times bigger, didn’t it? Not so fast ladies – engineers are a unique and strange breed. They’ll probably completely ignore the usual bait that you’re casting out. Have no fear, I’ve compiled a little cheat sheet of how to land one of your very own…
How to Land an Engineer
The Hunt: It’s easiest to scope out engineers in their natural habitat…on campus. Engineers tend to congregate near power outlets, so may I suggest one of the study lounges in Hancock or the open area in Surge? They can usually be identified by too-large headphones, one of those weird computers that flips around, and a backpack that looks like it’s going to explode. Don’t be put off by their anti-social and secluded behavior; just keep thinking of that house in the Hamptons. The Approach: Ladies, this is the make-or-break part of the whole operation. Under NO circumstances should you sneak up on an engineer. They behave like baby deer, contact with anything that doesn’t look just like them results in mass panic and catastrophe. Make no sudden movements, walk slowly, and do not make any attempt at contact until you’re sure that they have seen you. Much like trying to pet a strange dog, odds are they’ll smell your presence first and decide whether they should: A.) flee, B.) hide under the table, C.) prepare for an obvious impending rapture, or D.) wait and see what happens. Only proceed if they choose option d, otherwise you’re heading in for a hot mess (and not the good kind). The last time an engineer was approached by a woman, it probably ended in him getting bathed by his mother, so it’s important to understand the fear and confusion. The Initial Contact: Speak slowly. Odds are the subject at hand will be confused and nervous as to why you are speaking to him. Stick to simple subjects, like the weather, or how crowded it is in
07
Liz McDonald wrote this
the room. The chances of you having something in common are slim to none. He knows absolutely nothing about the Kardashians and has only been to the very eccentric bars downtown, if any. The Discussion: If the subject doesn’t begin drooling, stuttering, speaking in tongues, or spurting out Newton’s laws of motion, you’re in the clear. Continue the conversation as best you can. Yes, it’ll be awkward, yes you’ll struggle, but it’s a hurdle that must be overcome. At this point, the only piece of information you need is the subject’s name. Once you have it, consider yourself golden… The Conclusion: Facebook friending is every engineer’s dream. Imagine, you can look at pictures of pretty girls, and chat behind the curtain that is laptop technology! At this stage, the engineer is back in his natural habitat and will undoubtedly be friendly, witty, charming, and everything else he can’t seem to portray in real life. We’re pretty sure this is the person they eventually grow up to be, after they become strikingly rich and handsome. After you’re in, you can train appropriately. Remember, engineers are smart. If you ask them to study up on how to be certain things (i.e. socially acceptable, good in bed) they’ll undoubtedly ace the tests at hand. It’s painful at the beginning, but the benefits are sooo worth it. I liken it to a bikini wax for your future. And when you’re married to the CEO of the next Google, you can thank me later.
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The Black Sheep Interviews: Fighting Gravity
BECCA wrote this
Fighting Gravity, comprised of 13 Virginia Tech students, first took off back in spring 2009 during a philanthropy talent show in Burruss Auditorium. Since then, these dancing lads have competed on America’s Got Talent, funked across the United States on a nationwide tour, and have seen a few corners of the globe performing for people like ultra-rich douche Simon Cowell. Now they’ve finally stepped up to the bigtime with an interview in The Black Sheep. The Black Sheep: How collaborative is the dance creation process? Like, is there one choreographer, or does everyone have a say? Danny: One of the greatest things about our group is that it’s a collaborative effort from everyone. That’s how it always has been and always will be. We don’t care where an idea comes from as long as we all take a liking to it. We also consult with professional magicians and choreographers with backgrounds ranging from hip hop, break dance, jazz and ballet. We are also currently working on a deal with some very notable and accomplished producers that have expressed interest in helping us as we put together our full-length show. TBS: How did a bunch of dudes get interested in collaborative dance? Danny: Haha uhh…we’re all still wondering the same thing. Fighting Gravity actually got its start by competing in a charity talent show at Virginia Tech hosted by the Delta Gamma sorority. After we had performed at the show, we uploaded our video to Youtube. A little while after the video got uploaded, one of the commenters on our Youtube video suggested that we submit the video to America’s Got Talent. One of our members, Gregg Curtin, actually spotted the comment and thought “why not?” After hearing nothing back for 3 months, he kind of forgot about it until he got a call from one of the executive producers on the show saying that they wanted us to come compete on the show. And well the rest is history. So I guess it was a mix of luck and good fortune. TBS: Can you talk about the behind-the-scenes stuff that goes into being on America’s Got Talent? Danny: There were a lot of interviews that we had to participate in for America’s Got Talent, news networks, blogs, magazines and papers. When we weren’t involved in interviews our group was piecing together our next routine. TBS: Outside of practice, what do you have to do to be prepared for the way of the dance? Do you have a strict diet or training regime? Danny: Our act involves a tremendous amount of planning before we execute anything. There is so
much that is going on behind the scenes that people can’t see, and it is always a logistical nightmare when we’re putting together new routines or adding to our show to make sure everything runs smoothly. TBS: How do you decide who gets to be in your dance troupe? Danny: We sent an email out to our fraternity asking who wanted to be a part of the group for America’s Got Talent. The 13 of us were the ones that showed up. Now we hire professionals if we need additional bodies. TBS: If you had to have a dance-off with a robot, but the only dance move you were allowed to do was the robot, who would win? Danny: He’s a robot isn’t he? Then anything he does is more robot than I do. Robot. TBS: Has anyone in the troupe ever suffered a serious injury? Danny: Not yet, knock on wood. We do everything in the pitch black, so it can get a little dangerous sometimes. I think we had a guy accidentally poke someone in the eye with a stick during a show one time, luckily we were able to avoid anything serious. TBS: Who’s the most flexible person in your group? What’s the most flexible thing they can do? Danny: If you told all of us to attempt the splits, we all suffer serious injuries. TBS: Who does the costume design? Danny: We call her Skidmore. TBS: Where was the most recent show? Danny: We just got back from London doing a guest appearance on Simon Cowell’s new show Red or Black.
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Sperry’s Response to Lance Diamond staff wrote this Dear Mr. Diamond, Thank you for writing us. We always appreciate customer feedback and yours was not only great feedback but provided a source of entertainment in our office for weeks! We can’t thank you enough. We also want to congratulate you on getting almost 80,000 views on YouTube. It was oddly surprising that you got more views than the new Victoria’s Secret commercial, but it could be because you showed even more skin than they do. We tried and tried and tried to figure out a proper way to respond to your video, hence the delay and we finally decided we wanted to break it down piece by piece due to the sensitive nature of the complaint (we hate when our feet aren’t baby soft), so you’ll find our responses below: 1. “There’s no warning label on the Sperrys, but apparently you have to break them in.” Ahh, a common misconception about Sperrys is that we hire people to walk around in your shoes for weeks at a time before we ship them to you to ensure that they are broken in. Unfortunately, this is untrue. We found it much more cost efficient to leave it up to the customer to handle that part of their product experience. We apologize for the misunderstanding, but it is odd to us that even though your dad runs the world—you’ve never owned a nice enough pair of leather shoes that you had to break in. 2. A warning label with your signature? Interesting concept, we appreciate your innovative thinking but we actually like when our company makes money and we don’t feel that branding our shoes with your name would be the best idea for that. 3. We’re not all engineers here, but we called our buddies next door at MIT and asked what the hell the “upper right quartile” of a foot was…and congratulations! You stumped them, too. 4. We do not have a foot fetish, but we can’t really say we’re “anti-feet” since we’re a shoe company and all… but that was still pretty vile. Also, did you burn a cigar through that flip flop? 5. Please do not ever wear socks with Sperrys again (now, that’s a viable idea for a label). We would’ve suggested you picked out some sneakers to go out in that night, had you contacted us sooner. 6. Your dad is a corporate lawyer for Exxon-Mobil who runs the world!? Wow. We’re impressed. No, but really. We would’ve figured that a corporate lawyer for ExxonMobil had a bit much on their plate to be running the world and trying to avoid legal repercussions from an oil spill in the Yellowstone River. 7. We’re very, very grateful that you’re not going to sue us for millions and millions of dollars. Mostly because you would’ve bankrupted yourself trying to and then probably made another YouTube video about it. 8. By asking for 15 pairs of Sperrys for your friends in your hall, this makes us think that you must hate the people on your hall. We’ve all seen your feet and now
you’re saying you want us to put 15 more kids through that traumatizing experience? We cannot do that and I’m sure your hallmates don’t appreciate you wishing for them to be in pain, either. 10. As for the face-to-face apology…nah. But we are sorry, but we’re mainly just sorry that you wore socks with your Sperrys. What did your Sperrys ever do to you? Oh wait…nevermind…please don’t show us your feet again. 11. Where do you think Ralph Lauren gets his “magical cotton” to make “those shits” out of? We’d like to invest in that process. [Sidenote: We wish you had gotten blood on those headphones so they would come off like your socks.] 12. We’ll be in touch with your professor, right away, but mainly just to tell him that you chilled on Twitter, Facebook, and Xbox all day instead of doing your homework so you wouldn’t need the extra credit from the Blood Drive. 13. We know that you see this as us taking an opportunity away from you to meet people, but dude, you have almost 80,000 views on YouTube! If that’s not branching out, we’re not sure what is. We have no doubt that your video caused a line of biddies all the way down your hallway waiting to snatch that flat bill off your hat in an act of complete and utter flirtation. 14. Your dad, who loves you, is a corporate lawyer for Exxon-Mobil, AND runs the world only bought you Ramen Noodles to eat? My dad hated me, but he at least got me the Cup O’ Noodles. 15. While the two options of compensation or you “suing the bajeezus” out of us did cause us to stutter and call a corporate meeting to discuss our options, we’ve chosen door number two and would like you to “sue the bajeezus” out of us. 16. TRIPLE DOG DARE!? Last time I was triple dog dared, I had to go into the closet for “Seven Minutes in Heaven” with Becky “Bucktooth Miller” in 7th grade. Just thought I’d share. 17. Okay, how about this: We TRIPLE DOG DARE you to go buy 120 McChickens and eat them ALL in under 120 minutes, we’ll send you a million dollars. Oh, but you need to film it and put it on YouTube. If you puke, you own us a million. Deal? We sincerely apologize that you feel this way about Sperrys, but do you remember how Abercrombie & Fitch paid Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino to stop wearing their clothes? We’ve decided to implement a similar procedure. Your check is in the mail. Good Day Sir, Sperry TopSiders* *no, not really.
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Bartender of the Month James Vest Cabo Fish Taco Nickname: Jimmy, Cheddar Bomb Favorite drink to make: PBR bottle Favorite drink to drink: PBR bottle First thing you do after work: You can’t put that in the paper. Quickest way to piss you off: Yelling at me, waving money around. Blondes or brunettes: Red heads Best night of the week to be here: What nights do I work again? Probably Thursday. Least favorite song to hear on the Jukebox: Anything by Poison When you’re not here at Cabo, what bar do you go to in town: The Underground or Champs Go to song/artist to play on the
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Jukebox: Jimi Hendrix Dirtiest drink name: The Blumpkin… if you don’t know (what it is), you don’t wanna know How long have you worked here: 3 ½ years What’s Cabo’s Tequila Club all about: We have 75 different types of Tequila, if you drink them all then you get a T-shirt and your name on a plaque What’s your favorite type of Tequila: Hussong’s Tequila Favorite NFL team: Philadelphia Eagles Most expensive shot: Herradura Seleccion Suprema is around $31.50 a shot, it’s the best Tequila you’ll ever have
recipe for disaster:
Chili-Cheese Frito Wraps
When the going gets tough the going gets hungry, but no one wants to go anywhere. Luckily this recipe can be made with some blurry vision walking into a convenience store and around $10. What You’ll Need: Chili, queso, Chili-Cheese Fritos, hot sauce, flour tortillas. Cook Time: No more than 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: The “recession weight” really starts to sneak up on you! Let’s Get Baked: - Put the chili in a pan on the stove-top, and cook until warm (about 5 minutes). - While that’s cooking, put some queso in a bowl and stick that in the microwave to warm up, about 3 minutes. - Once those are both warm, stick the tortilla in the microwave just to warm it a bit. - Once warmed, put a couple spoonfuls of chili and queso in the tortilla. - Lightly crush up a palm-full of Chili-Cheese Fritos and put those on top. - Garnish with hot sauce. - Roll up like a burrito and starting nomming. If you’re feeling fanciful, add any of these variations; jalapenos, Tabasco sauce, banana peppers, black olives, onions, sour cream, or tequila. You know, anything to make your butthole hate you more in the morning.
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h t 4 1 Minute!
Leonardo DiCaprio is world-famous for acting in some of the best films of the last decade. Hillary Clinton is famous because she’s the most powerful woman in the world. A small Senegalese child knows LeBron James because he can jump out of a building in a single bound. But what about the rest? In this era of celebrity culture there’s too many people famous for…what exactly? To see if we could pin these pretenders we looked at celebrity gossip websites to find people we couldn’t identify, then we tried to identify what made them worthy of the limelight. By: Brendan
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Kim Delaney We Think She’s Famous For: Being T-Mobile’s ad spokeswoman when flip phones were still the cat’s pajamas, as folk were wont to say in 1996. Why She’s Actually Famous: This actress has been on a bunch of relatively popular TV shows, like Army Wives, The O.C. and N.Y.P.D. Blue. Recently, though, she made headlines for giving a speech in front of a bunch of military folk…drunk. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: A wonderful land called Denial, where your third and fourth stints in alcohol rehab mean you get comp’ed your fifth check-in.
Joe Manganiello We Think He’s Famous For: Being a club promoter in Scottsdale, Arizona. There’s rumored to be pictures of him snorting coke off of Lindsey Lohan’s tits. Why He’s Actually Famous: Joe plays werewolf Alcide Herveaux on HBO’s True Blood, because being tall, ripped and handsome is a prerequisite for being a werewolf. Nerds have nothing to worry about. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: He’ll be starring opposite Bradley Cooper in a summer bromance movie called Hairy Waves.
Brenda Song We Think She’s Famous For: Song is the Rebecca Black of Thailand, where her hit, “Only 20 Hours of Work Today!” propelled her to superstardom. Why She’s Actually Famous: Being a huge hit on the Disney Channel, most notably as London Tipton on The Suite Life of Zack & Cody. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: In a bathtub full of money, laughing and sipping champagne while screaming out, “Sweatshop profiteering is the best!”
Michaele Salahi We Think She’s Famous For: An early-90s trial that saw her spend 12 years in jail after sleeping with one of her 14-year-old students. Why She’s Actually Famous: Besides having an impossible-to-spell name, Salahi is best known for her role on The Real Housewives of D.C. In 2009 she made waves for crashing a White House party, and made headlines a few weeks ago by leaving her husband for Neal Schon, the guitarist for Journey. Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Back in her plastic surgeon’s office, getting an estimate on how much it would cost to give her facelift a facelift.
Austin Butler We Think He’s Famous For: Being exactly what the Nazis had in mind when they started their eugenics program. Why He’s Actually Famous: Butler is known for his work in Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide and High School Musical spinoff Sharpay’s Fabulous Adventure. Where He’ll Be In Five Years: On the secret Nazi moon base, preparing to exact revenge for the historically tragic death of his biological father, Adolf Hitler.
Imogen Thomas We Think She’s Famous For: By the looks of it, she’s a recent recipient of a MacArthur Genius Grant for the work she’s done in the field of advanced particle physics. Why She’s Actually Famous: Thomas is known for her 3-month stay on British reality show Big Brother, and her two big sisters. By “sisters” we mean “tits.” Where She’ll Be In Five Years: Thomas will be the Queen of the Island of Misfit Floozies, which is actually a couple miles off of the southern tip of Florida.
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Das Racist
the interview
Don’t worry guys, we didn’t interview the entity that is racism. Das Racist is a trio of multi-ethnic dudes from Brooklyn whose unconventional style has landed them on multiple “best of” lists and on the stages of dozens of high-profile music festivals. Their latest album Relax just dropped and they’re coming to a city near you...soon. We chatted with them about live performances, growing up, and ideal fast food combinations. TBS: You guys have a very energetic live show. Offstage are you guys pretty animated, or are you pretty mellow? Das Racist: Yeah, more than like your average moron-like manner. To be honest, the way I think about it – which I never have before you asked me about it – I guess when we started doing shows we would be drunk or high a lot, so that kind of energy was from something we were doing offstage. Now it’s not quite the case. It’s just something that I’ve gotten used to doing and it’s kind of the only way I know how to do something up there. So we’re doing a rap show, we don’t really have a guitar and keyboard and whatever, so, I mean, what are we going to do? Then we’re getting completely bored on stage, you know, standing around on a small area for 45 minutes to an hour. Like, you can imagine if whatever room you’re in right now I locked the doors and like, you just have to hang out for an hour. You know, and most people need something to do, and we don’t want to be boring and be completely wasting everybody’s time. TBS: You mentioned that you’d go on stage and be drunk or on some sort of drug. As you’ve taken this more seriously as a career, is that something that you’ve purposely toned down or are you just getting more mature? Das Racist: The way we started out, we’d sometimes do gigs for like $50 or it’d be for drink tickets. So when you’re doing a show for drink tickets, you’re obviously going to get drunk because they’re giving you drink tickets and no money. So I think being mature, maybe, I don’t know, that word kind of sounds ridiculous. It just got boring, you know what I mean? And also, if my job is to tour and I’m going to have to do five shows in a row while traveling and waking up at 6 in the morning, I can’t feasibly get fucked up every night because it wouldn’t be fun anymore, it’d be impossible to wake up and not be in a terrible mood. And it’s just boring: I’m like 26-years-old, what am I going to do, get fucked up in front of a bunch of 18, 19-year-old kids?
CD REVIEW
Out Now
wilco
The Whole Love
the whole let down is more like it! It’s easy for us youngsters to hate on Wilco these days because they aren’t “trippy” anymore, and Jeff Tweedy is “sober” and therefore “uninspired.” Long gone are the days of my brain exploding (nearly the entire The Wilco Book album), vibing out to some weird static during “Less Than You Think,” and dissecting the lyrics of “Radio Cure” because it’s just so fucking good. Sure, Wilco’s best albums were Yankee Hotel Foxtrot and A Ghost is Born, but if you got mad at your boyfriend today because the last great thing he did for you was months ago, then everyone would just hate each other. Remember when he let you have all the hot water this morning? It’s the little things that count. Because I don’t want to harp on Tweedy for being sober; that’s just immature. What I can harp on, though, is Wilco back-tracking to their country roots in their latest album The Whole Love. This album just screams “NPR 40-something.” It’s safe and easy to listen to, with just enough badass hard rocking guitar solos (see “Art of Almost”) to give the old folks something to get excited about. It’s the kind of Wilco that got the fans in the first place, with definitive alternative-country sounds and a little bit of intrigue, not to mention Tweedy’s signature voice holding our hands the whole time. But Tweedy & the boys weren’t always weird and still had a more interesting sound - Summerteeth and Sky Blue Sky, for instance. With their latest and the one before that (Wilco (The Album)), Wilco is starting to seem…
C-
old. And I don’t like it, because I’m not a 40-something, and I think that’s okay with them. “Dawned on Me” is one of the more brilliant songs on the record, where Tweedy openly sings about the whole spectrum of living; being young, being old, being lost, being found, and starting it all over again at the end. It kind of makes me sentimental but then I’m reminded that optimism makes growing up a little better, which just makes me more sad. I’m 20-fucking-something; I don’t want to listen to my father cry on about not having fun anymore. “Born Alone” has a somewhat catchy tune but it’s a little cheesy and it’s a little simple, perfect for the adults to digest. No, no, I think I’m going to leave the Wilco party, eh, 5 years ago. But I’m still going to love them, even if they aren’t blowing my mind anymore. It’d be like saying goodbye to a high school friend just because he doesn’t get black-out drunk anymore. He’s still a cool guy, but just a little more tame. Plus you can always go back and recall the fun times you guys had together. That, and he is always your sober driver. It’s the little things that count! Sounds Like: What your dad listens to in the minivan. Download: The Art of Almost Listen to it When: Drinking wine and playing Scrabble with the fam.
TBS: You guys get a lot of critical acclaim, from MTV, Spin, Rolling Stone, etc. Do you guys consider that at all when you’re making musical decisions? Das Racist: It is appreciated, but, you know, it’s not like “Whoa! This staff writer at Spin likes something we made!” it’s more like “Whoa, a lot of people buy Spin at the airport who have never heard of us,” you know? I mean, it’s always nice to hear nice things, whatever, but it’s not like we’re so “Oh, we’re going do what we’re going to do regardless!” Like, what else am I going to read, something about some other guy? I’d rather read about myself. Yeah, I definitely keep up and shit, but it’s not that big of a deal. TBS: So you guys have Relax, your new album that just came out. How does a group like you guys go about constructing a song? Das Racist: Well, I mean, we’ll first kind of write in the studio, sometimes someone will have some verses or parts of verses worked out and they’ll bring those in. It’s not a completely collaborative process. If you’re listening to it, the two guys don’t even sound very much alike, they don’t rap very similarly. So, it’s collaborative in that they usually record in the same studio and they record together a lot of the time, but other than that it’s not like coming in together with two notepads on their lap and a guy playing a beat and they’re listening to the beat… but that actually does happen a little bit. (laughs) I think it’s kind of two different processes going on at the same time, rather than like peeking over another person’s shoulder and see what they’re doing. TBS: What would be on your perfect sandwich? Das Racist: I don’t even like sandwiches that much. Bacon, avocado, cheese, tomato? On some sourdough bread. TBS: You guys have an album called Combination Pizza Hut and Taco Bell. If you could combine any two fast food franchises, which would you choose? Das Racist: Maybe fuckin’ Panera Bread and Chipotle. Or In-N-Out Burger and Quiznos. TBS: Drink of choice? Das Racist: Water, and champagne.
brendan and jess wrote this
Madlib: Worst Class Ever! 1) Class you are in. 2) Day of the week 3) Random daydream 4) Your name 5) Something hard to explain 6) Something specific to #5 7) Reason why you cut class 8) Unit of time 9) Person in class you like 10) That persons gender 11) What you wanted to do to them 12) Something gross 13) Your best friend 14) Stupid question 15) Made-up sexual act 16) Stupid thing to buy 17) Article of clothing
( class time )
So there you are, sitting in ___1___ just like any other ___2___. You’re spacing out, dreaming of a ___3___ when all of a sudden the classroom falls silent. Everyone turns to look at you. The professor speaks up, “___4___ I asked you to explain ___5___, can you explain why ___6___?” And this is when it hits you, skipping last week’s lecture to ___7___ was a huge mistake. ___8___ later and you’re still silent. Now ___9___, the ___10___ you were hoping to ___11___ looks at you like you’re ___12___. All you can stammer out is, “I don’t know.” It gets worse, though. Now that you’ve proved your idiocy ___13___, your best friend, piles on. “Hey dude, ___14___? What’s the ___15___? How much does a ___16___ cost?” Everyone’s laughing at you, and you even wore ___17___ to class today.
scan the code, you’ll like it... Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. The content does not always reflect the views of the staff, it is for entertainment purposes only. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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