CLEMSON FALL 2015 ISSUE 1

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 1

SURVIVING YOUR LATE-NIGHT DRUNCHIES A GUIDE TO ROOMMATE DOMINATION ARE YOU SMARTER THAN ERIC FROM BACKSTREETS?

INSIDE

Volume 9

The Black Sheep

from FREE hom ! Like e be all t fore he b you ooze hea you ded sto to c le am pus ...

INSIDE

, K C A B E M O C L E W !

N O I T A N R TIGE

MEET THE STAFF CHIEF CAMPUS EDITOR Hannah Soblo

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGER Mike Stormo

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Edith Allan John Bair Justin Campbell Savannah Miller

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

GUERRILLA MARKETING MANAGER Keaton Connolly

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OWNED & OPERATED BY: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Avenue Suite 1, Chicago, Illinois 60622 Contact Corporate: 312.224.8320 For Advertising: 608.712.0900 DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication.

Please drink...responsibly and legally.

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PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

WHAT MOVIE IS THIS SCENE FROM?

The image below depicts an iconic scene from an iconic movie. What movie is it? If you think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, we’ll mail you a prize!

CORKSCREWED An occurrence in which the wine cork breaks in the neck of the wine bottle.

“After it broke, I can’t get the cork to go in the bottle or come out. I’m totally corkscrewed.”

WHICH 1-HIT WONDER IS THIS? Hey, look, it’s that guy who sang that song! What’s his name? Well, we know, do you? If you know the name of the 1-hit wonder from the 2000s pictured below, email us the correct answer at Page3@theblacksheeponline.com . If you’re right, maybe we’ll send you a CD we have laying around our office.

VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS:

2 TRUTHS AND A LIE Can you spot the lie these video game icons are telling you? Think you know the answer, email Page3@theblacksheeponline.com with your answer. We’ll send you that Duck Hunt dog’s head in a box.

I’ve also been known as “Jumpman” and “Mr. Video.”

Me and Princess Peach have never kissed in a video game.

I guest refereed in Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!

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FEED ME!

THE TOP TEN WAYS TO SURVIVE YOUR FIRST LATE NIGHT DRUNCHIES You took for granted the sheer abundance of food at your parents’ house, but when the availability of cheap booze leads to a severe case of the drunchies, you’ll soon be longing for the old snack cabinet.

Depending on your roommates, your secret stash might be mysteriously depleted, and when the dining halls are already closed, you’ll need drastic measures to fulfill your inner hangry monster.

THE UNDER-APPRECIATED JOYS OF THE WEEK AFTER MOVE-IN DAY Edith Allan wrote this

As we pack up our belongings and hurry to pick up our new room keys, many students will gush about how excited they are to see their friends again, start their new classes, or attend this season’s football-related festivities. Others already dread the tedious assignments, early morning commutes, and soul-crushing all-nighters that make up the majority of the semester. Yet even those of us who are returning to Tigertown for their fourth lap rarely mention the pinnacle of joy, the existential perfection that is the week after move-in day.

Allow us to break it down for you: Unparalleled Levity Before Classes Start: During those first few days before classes start, you will wake up each morning feeling unbelievably light and relaxed. You have absolute freedom over how you spend your time and yet you are exactly where you need to be. It is a phenomenon entirely unlike summer or winter break—which present only the likeness of freedom fettered by the nagging pressures to secure an internship or a job. By post-move-in week’s standards you’ve already reached the very apex of preparedness simply by paying your tuition and registering for classes. Each day spent goofing-off as you please feels superbly justified.

10.) Wendy’s: This old drunchy standby may remind you comfortingly of your favorite hometown Cook Out, Bojangles’ or Waffle House—but don’t be fooled. On popular drinking nights, the lines here will be out the door, and you’ll probably lose focus halfway through the wait anyway.

9.) Java City: Open until 1a.m., Java City has a wide selection of deliciously fattening options to satisfy the drunchies. Their pastries have just the buttered plastic consistency you’re sure to be craving, and a late night Javalanche will wash down the shame of facing the dedicated library studiers in your drunken stupor.

8.) Tiger Transit: These wonderful drivers will take you right to the edge of downtown, where a delicious array of choices awaits you—from El Jimador Bites to Chipotle. Unfortunately, you spent all your money buying moonshine from that weird kid down the hall, and they don’t take Paw Points here.

7.) TigersToGo: If leaving your bed (or getting up from the floor) sounds like a Herculean task, there’s still a way to get that delicious, overflowing Chiptole burrito. TigersToGo is as simple as ordering pizza, and will make you the envy of all those who settled for Little Caesars.

A Revamped Personal Space: Hauling several pounds of furniture and garments up endless stairs on a blistering hot day isn’t quite as fun as it sounds. But once all of your beloved crap has safely made it inside, you get to start the process of transforming that formerly blank canvas of a room into your stylish new base of operations. Some students will endeavor to design a completely unified space—with color-coordinated containers, curtains, and specially-curated canvas prints. Others will feel just as satisfied the moment all of their underwear has reached the appropriate drawer. Unlike your next multiple-choice exam, every response is equally valid and up for interpretation. This is undoubtedly the cleanest your room will be all year.

6.) Vending Cuisine: Fortunately for those down to their last few quarters, all Clemson dorms come equipped with an emergency drunchy supply. Readily available and reasonably priced, the vending machines have something for everybody—from spicy Cheetos to antique Twinkies.

Food, Friends, and Frivolity: As project deadlines start to pile up each month, you’ll put off grocery runs right up until your entire food supply has been depleted...then put it off a few more days while subsisting off of mostly Taco Bell and Cook Out. In the tranquility of post-move-in week, however, every food-related excursion turns into a full-blown adventure with your roommates—who are just as idle, hungry, and in need of supplies as you. Anything can happen as your party skips through the aisles, and those first few nights of eating take-out while chatting with your roomies will feel like pure bliss compared to the guilt-tinged, procrastination-spurred outings you will make throughout the school year.

4.) Foraging: If you spent all your Paw Points on assorted beach towels, travel mugs, umbrellas and other “useful” items, don’t worry! Clemson has an assortment of humane traps for the stray cat—er, squirrel population. Southerners do it all the time, right? You are in Clemson after all, so get a fire goin’ and get that little morsel roastin’!

The Remainder of the Week: Luckily this feeling of lightness will persist even when classes begin. Though it may seem like a waste of time to some, syllabus week is beautiful in how it grants you the same sense of accomplishment from going to class while requiring only minimal effort on your part. The most you’ll have to worry about is coming up with a random fact to introduce yourself with—though even that won’t really matter since everyone will be too preoccupied coming up with their own fact to register what you’re saying. Your classroom experience this week will strongly resemble your elementary school years, when sitting in a designated room and listening quietly were the extent of your responsibilities.

Naturally this setup could never last more than a few days at any respectable university, so take the time to appreciate this sweet transition back into your academic life. We guarantee they’ll be some of your fondest memories from your college experience.

5.) P.O.D. Mart: These little markets are a drunk’s paradise, with an endless array of snack foods and ready meals. You can even get supplies for late night activities. Skinny-dipping in Lake Hartwell?

They have beach towels! Visit to your cheating ex? Those Doritos will supply you with an irresistible, sexy smell.

3.) Vegan Foraging: Clemson being an agriculture school, there are plenty of free options for vegans, too. Just a short trip across Old Greenville Highway is the student organic farm, where you can find delicious options like underground French fries and ketchup fruits. Just like an organic McDonald’s!

2.) Gluten-free Foraging: Squirrels and ketchup fruits might technically be gluten free, but cross contamination is a serious issue. To escape any glutinous wind, you’ll have to journey into the Experimental Forest. It’s a trek, but there, you’ll be able to nibble on clovers and dandelion greens in safety.

The only downside is nobody will be around to see how perfect you are.

1.) New Friend with a Car: Ladies, you’ll find it a breeze to snag a ride in the back of a pickup to Cook Out, and probably even get that milkshake for free. Guys, you might find yourself the designated driver. Welcome to drunken sexism.

Hannah Soblo wrote this

TEACH ME, PLEASE

Weird Junior English Major Vows to Start Fresh This Semester Adam Richardson wrote this

A new academic year at Clemson is underway. Some students will begin the semester by adding to pristine records of good grades and social skills, while others must choose between continued incompetence or making new improvements. The Black Sheep caught up with a student who has decided to start fresh and make some changes.

“Freshman year was terrible,” said Ellen, a junior English major whose last name cannot be disclosed because it’s more intriguing that way. “Sophomore year was even worse, but this semester is going to be different,” she said confidently in Schilletter as she pulled out paper and a pencil from her backpack.

“I have a tendency to eat weird things,” explained a distracted Ellen while she quickly scribbled in her notebook. “Friends can’t eat with me without getting sick.” Hungry for a normal diet, Ellen was studying the eating habits of her peers. She compared a bewildered student’s salad dressing to hers. “Is that HONEY MUSTARD you’re putting on salads? Gross!” Ellen had been using banana pudding. After leaving the cafeteria, Ellen walked expeditiously to Cooper Library while touching random students along the way. “I see a person, and I want to touch them,” explained Ellen as she caressed a startled hipster’s forearm. “I guess incessant groping annoys people, especially when it’s an erogenous zone,” she complained.

“What the fuck?” yelled a frat guy after Ellen slid her hand across his forehead. Ignoring his question, she continued. “I’m going to wear a strait-jacket for now.” She is currently searching for someone to help with the logistics of donning that particular garment.

Ellen found a study group in Cooper near the DVDs and sat down. “Can we help you?” asked a student as everyone stared at her in bemusement. “May I look on with someone since I forgot my textbook?” Ellen responded. After an awkward pause, the student cautiously pushed his book closer to her. Ellen took notes and posed surprisingly relevant questions: “So when do you perform an independent t-test versus a dependent one?” This lasted two hours.

On the way to her next class in Brackett, Ellen explained that she got off on pretending to be a member in study groups. “It’s a real rush,” she said, acknowledging that it made others uncomfortable. This semester, Ellen plans on attending only study groups with classmates who expect her. “It’s not as exciting, but l might make a friend.”

In class, Ellen creepily stared at the students seated next to her without blinking. “Things catch my eye,” Ellen said as she bored holes through the guy sitting behind her. “Like him, he has a freckle that looks like a crescent moon.” Seemingly used to it, he ignored her finger, which hovered about an inch from the freckle. “From now on, I’m going to sit in class with my eyes closed,” said Ellen, who is currently searching for a personal note-taker.

Following class, Ellen headed back to Schilletter to meet a man who answered her Craigslist ad for help with the strait-jacket. “Afterwards I’ll try a salad topped with honey mustard,” she said before disappearing into the crowd on Library Bridge. With no restraints yet, Ellen kept her arms straight at her sides, which unfortunately made her look even more eerie, if that were even possible.

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ON THE STREETS WHAT WOULD YOU DO FOR A 4.0 THIS SEMESTER? JOSH, SENIOR

“Swim in the reflection pond.”

RYAN, SENIOR

“I would eat at Harcombe for a year.”

CALVIN, JUNIOR

“I would do a one-man show at the Brooks Center about the CCIT call center if I had to.”

07

112 Station Drive Anderson, SC 29621 GET 20% OFF ON MONDAYS WHEN PlatosClosetAnderson.com YOU SHOW YOUR STUDENT ID

THE GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

All Day, Everyday $3 Tequilla $6 Bottles of Champagne $10 Liquor Pitchers

WED: Wing Night 20 Beers on tap downstairs, 12 on tap upstairs!

Taco Tuesday! $5.49 for 2 Tacos + Chips $1 12oz Blue Moons

WEDNESDAY: Bingo at 8pm! $4 House Double Liquor Drinks

THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi Rolls Wine Night @ 8 $9.99 Wine Tasting

Burger and a Beer Night!

Trivia at 8pm! $3 House Liquor Drinks

$0.55 Tenders $1.75 PBR & Busch Light

No More Overtime, Two Stories & Two Outdoor decks!

$3 Fireball Shots

Go Tigers!

SATURDAY

Saturday Flaturday: 2 Flatbread Pizzas & 4 Beers for $12.95 Live Music Select Saturdays

Mimosas on the Deck!

College Football on 20 HD TVs

Go Tigers!

SUNDAY

$10 Liquor Pitchers All Day Everyday

NFL Sunday Ticket - All the games on our 13 High Def TV’s!

NFL Sunday Ticket on 20 HD TVs

Meat & 3 til 9PM

MONDAY

$12.95 All You Can Eat Sushi

$1 PBR Happy Hour Monday Night Football Specials

Burger Mondays! $5.49 Burger & Fries

$2 Vodka

TUESDAY

$3 Tequilla All Day Everyday

Pizza Night $5.75 Large 1 Topping Pizza Buckets of Bud Light $12.50

Taco Tuesday! $5.49 for 2 Tacos + Chips $1 12oz Blue Moons

$2 Bourbon

WEDNESDAY

$6 Bottles of Champagne All Day Everyday

Wing Night 20 Beers on tap downstairs, 12 on tap upstairs!

Pizza & Wings! $10 Pizza $0.75 Wings $0.50 12oz PBR

Bingo at 8pm! $4 House Double Liquor Drinks

FRIDAY

Trivia at 7pm $6 Liquor Pitchers from 5-8pm

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THE GRID

PALMETTO’S Smokehouse & Oyster Bar SAT / SUN $10 Bottomless Mimosas 10:30AM-2PM (w/ Brunch Purchase)

FRIDAY: 24 Wings and Pitcher of Bud Light for $17.95 DJ & Live Music

HAPPY HOUR: 4 - 6p.m. $2.75 Drafts $6 Pitchers $2.99 Fried Pickles

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings 5PM-10PM

Wednesdays: Trivia @ 10pm!

LIVE MUSIC ON THURSDAYS BEFORE HOME GAMES

SPECIAL NIGHT

Go Tigers!

$6 House Liquor Pitchers from 4-8pm

THURSDAY

DJ & Live Music

HAPPY HOUR: 4 - 6p.m. $2.75 Drafts $6 Pitchers $2.99 Fried Pickles

24 Wings and Pitcher of Bud Light for $17.95 DJ & Live Music

Service, Service, Service

$1.50 PBR pints

FRIDAY

$10 Bottomless Mimosas 10:30a.m. - 2p.m. with brunch purchase!

$0.50 Wings All Day (except gamedays) DJ & Live Music

Your Tigers Headquarters!

Open for Lunch, $10 Liquor Pitchers All Day Every Day, $1.50 PBR pints

SATURDAY

$10 Bottomless Mimosas 10:30a.m. - 2p.m. with brunch purchase!

NFL Sunday Ticket Try our “Clemson Goodnight” Pitchers

Stiffest drinks in town!

Where the Big Tigers Play..

Come watch every game at your favorite bar! 100” TV Biggest in town

SUNDAY

HAPPY HOUR: 4 - 6p.m. $2.75 drafts!

$11.95 All You Can Eat Wings

MNF!

Adult Happy Meal: $6.50 for Burger, Fries & Beer

MONDAY

HAPPY HOUR: 4 - 6p.m. $2.75 Drafts $6 Pitchers $2.99 Fried Pickles

Karaoke Night! $5.99 Select Menu Items All Day

Bingo at 10pm!

50% Off Draft Beer from 4-8pm

TUESDAY

HAPPY HOUR: 4 - 6p.m. $2.75 Drafts $6 Pitchers $2.99 Fried Pickles

$1 Burger Night 5PM-10PM

Trivia at 10pm!

Wing Day: 1/2 lb of Wings Buy 1 Get 1

WEDNESDAY

The Horoscope: Your Sign as a Potato

Have you ever wondered what form of potato coincides with your astrological sign? Yes? Well then today’s your lucky day, because The Black Sheep has created a potato-themed horoscope for your week! You can thank us later.

ARIES — SMILEY-FACE FRIES: Aries has an affinity for all things 90s and 00s, and has probably never missed a Tuesday at TD’s. They are just the right level of crispy, and are really fun at parties. Keep your eyes (and potatoes) peeled for a love interest coming your way this week.

TAURUS — THE MASHED POTATO: A Taurus wears many hats - butter, chives, bacon bits, you name it.

Their classic nature makes them consistently successful, and a good pairing for most other foods. Err...people. Pay especially close attention to detail on the 20th, and remember the old saying: measure twice, mash once.

GEMINI — THAT ONE CURLY FRY IN YOUR REGULAR FRIES: Aka probably the best potato-related thing that can happen to you.

You are full of unexpected surprises and never fail to make others smile. Their unique nature makes them stand apart from the crowd.

Keep on the lookout for a price drop in that thing you’ve had your eye on around the 25th.

CANCER — CHEESY POTATOES: This person is a main course masquerading as a side dish. They’re a little off the beaten path, and take longer to warm up, but in the end, they’re completely worth it. The kind of cheese depends on the person, but usually they tend to stick with the classics. Get ready to dazzle your friends at a barbeque around the 28th.

LEO — WAFFLE FRIES: The perfect pair to almost any meal, the Leo is as friendly as they come. Others get excited when they hear a Leo is coming to their dinner party, and some may cancel plans just to go. Leos are especially great with little kids, but are loved by people of all ages. Keep an eye out for a hot chick(en) on the 25th.

VIRGO — THE SWEET POTATO: The name says it all. The sweet nature and mild flavor of a Virgo instantly attracts everyone around them, but some are more attracted than others. Virgos are also the least salty out of all the signs, literally and figuratively. Get ready for a big opportunity coming your way on the 30th.

LIBRA — MCDONALD’S FRIES: The scales of the Libra are perfectly balanced between salty and soft.

They strike harmony in the golden brown outside and squishy inside.

Make sure they aren’t salty, and they’ll be much warmer. Have lunch with a close friend on the 24th, they’ll want to ketchup with you.

SCORPIO — ROASTED POTATOES: Probably the closest a potato can get to being “badass,” like Scorpios are known to be. They’re lean, they’re mean, and they go great with a side of steak. A Scorpio should be on the lookout for a big change coming sometime this week - and accept it cause it’s awesome.

SAGITTARIUS — HASH BROWNS: You either love a Sagittarius, or you hate them. They’re kinda stringy and crispy...and to be honest, the word Sagittarius just reminded me of spaghetti squash and that’s the only reason why they’re hash browns. Look for a healthy dinner alternative on the 27th.

CAPRICORN — HOME FRIES: A classic form of potato and a funny nickname for your friends all rolled into one. Capricorns are notorious for being the unsung hero.

They are the backbone of many things, yet are often overlooked.

Prepare to shine in the spotlight on the 22nd this week.

AQUARIUS — POTATO CAKES: Hearty and filling, the Aquarius is usually a lot to handle all at once.

Your bold flavor and easy recipe draw similar people towards you.

Usually Irish people. Prepare for good news around the 21st.

PISCES – CHIPS: What goes together better than fish and chips? And yes, we mean fries, not actual chips. Pisces are a little exotic, but still a classic at the same time. Not one to be messed with, Pisces stick around for good.

Expect a visit from a far away friend around the 24th.

a ladie’s guide to living situations (lessons yo mama didn’t teach you...)

HOW TO: ASSERT DOMINANCE OVER YOUR ROOMMATE

5 DISCREET WAYS TO TELL YOUR MAN YOU’RE TAKING A GIANT POOP

College is a time to reinvent yourself, to turn the person you were in high school to the person your future self will regret being. No matter who you were in high school, there’s one person everyone wants to be in college: the top dorm dog. That’s right, we’re talking the alpha roommate. The alpha roommate is the cool roommate, the roommate in charge, the roommate who calls all the shots and takes shit from nobody. Most importantly, the alpha roommate is not the beta roommate, the submissive roommate, the roommate who only calls their mother and takes shit from everybody, especially their mother. It’s decision time; which one will you be? There can only be one alpha, and here’s how to make sure it’s you.

For us ladies, some things are uncomfortable to talk about with your man, especially when you two are first getting to know each other. Perhaps the most essential and unavoidable topic is pooping. Yes, even classy ladies fart and poop. But it’s okay, because The Black Sheep’s here to help deal will this issue. By following these 5 easy steps, this embarrassing topic will be easy to handle and become a great test of your relationship!

Ask your roommate what their door keycode is and then secretly switch keys: This move says “You only live here because I allow you to live here.” It may seem like a fun little accident at first, but they’ll soon realize they have a door to go through before they can get through their room door, and that first door is you.

Organize a hall hangout and tell everyone that your roommate rudely blew off your invitation, even though you never invited them in the first place: There’s power in numbers, so make sure the numbers are on your side. Everyone in your hall will inevitably pick favorites, so you need to make sure you’re the chosen one. Your roommate won’t be able to defend themselves from taking the blame for every horrific shit taken in the hall bathrooms because they won’t be there when you start that rumor. Is your hall a safe, welcoming place for your roommate? Absolutely! But only because you let it be, for now.

Do everything you possibly can in your room: Homework, calisthenics, your next door neighbor, etc… Your roommate needs to know that this is your space, not theirs. The more time you spend in there, the better, and the more impractical ways you spend your time in there, the best. Anyone else would find the Fike a better place to go swimming, but you’ll take nothing less than a kiddy pool in the middle of your dorm. Keep the music down because your roommate’s trying to sleep?

More like coordinate your sleeping habits to adhere to my 5 a.m. music time habits.

Buy a lounge chair, position it in front of the door, and wait in the darkness: This will seem creepy at first, but eventually they’ll get used to it. They’ll even learn to expect it, which will work to your benefit. Next time they’re considering bringing home a random conquest and forcing you into sexile, they’ll have to first consider if they want to risk bringing the ultimate cockblock into play. You know what scares away random hookups? Roommates who sit in the darkness for who knows how long, waiting for you to come home.

Let them know you had a previously arranged roommate that backed out at the last minute (even if you didn’t): This one’s to make sure they know who’s the reacher (them) and the settler (you). You had other, more preferable options that unfortunately didn’t work out in the end. Nonetheless, if they had, you would have chosen said original roommate over your now current roommate in a heartbeat. You’re the roommate prize, and they need to know you’ll expect certain behavior if they want to keep the luxury of living with you. Nothing takes away confidence like knowing you’re someone’s second choice, and you know who lacks confidence? Beta roommates.

So you’re now equipped to sociopathically manipulate the living daylights out of your brand new living buddy, but why stop there? Manipulate your classmates, manipulate your professor, try out arson for a while and see if it’s for you! Sociopathy is a winding adventurous road; how far will you take it?

5.) Everyone Poops: Just man up and say you’re taking a shit, because if he doesn’t like it you should dump his ass anyway.

If you’re new to the relationship or a bit timid, give him the book entitled Everyone Poops, or play the YouTube version of Morgan Freeman reading it. Let’s be honest, no human can resist Morgan Freeman’s sweet, sultry voice.

4.) Before you lay the wood, I’ve gotta lay mine: Sexual innuendos are perhaps the best way to un-awkwardify a situation. We’re all dirty, filthy people on the inside and our love for sex is one thing everyone has in common. If you say this line, preferably before morning sex, it is a guarantee that your man will at least crack a smile and maybe even not completely understand what it means. The end result will benefit you both.

3.) Selfies: Tell your man you’re going to the bathroom to keep all your various social media accounts presh. Everyone knows that bathrooms have the best lighting anyway—where else does the light perfectly fall upon your cheek bones?! On a side note, if you end up taking a while, he’ll understand your need to bless your followers on #SelfieSunday.

2.) Write It Out: Another fine possibility is to spell out “I’m pooping” on the bed with books or roses, because at the end of the day you’re a lady and dammit you’re romantic. Or leave anonymous Post-it notes around the house that lead him directly to you. These Post-it notes can say anything you’re feeling. Topics include but are not limited to: “I’m dropping the kids off at the pool,” “taking a deposit to the bank,” “defecating,” and “filling the peanut butter jar.” He’ll love playing this fun little game while enhancing his vocabulary!

1.) Music: Ahhh, sweet song lyrics have always best summed up and described life’s most awkward, painful, saddest and funniest moments. There is no better way than to sing, “Let Me Poop” to the tune of Disney’s infamous Frozen. If you don’t like Frozen, you can always come up with a rap, preferably while you’re on the toilet, leaving him impressed. There’s no doubt he’s going to want to wife you up after that.

By following one or all of these ways to secretly tell your man you’re taking the Browns to the Super Bowl, you’ll not only breakthrough that awkward barrier of poop and non-poop talk, but who knows where your relationship could go from here. The first step in all successful relationships is to be comfortable with and around pooping and farting. So congratulations, because we all know couples that talk about poop, stay together.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E T OF 1 R SCO 2 OU

1. Television: Vicki Gunvalison, Tamara Judge, Heather Dubrow, Shannon Beador, and Meghan King Edmonds are all the current stars of what TV show?

2. Money: The Taka is the official currency of what country?

Kuomintang?

6. Math: What is (62/4) +(8x3)?

7. Food: What Swiss candy company makes Kit Kat and Bit-O-Honey?

3. Literature: Who wrote the short story “The Masque of the Red Death”?

8.Music: What Canadian artist is releasing his sophomore studio album Beauty Behind the Madness on August 28th, 2015?

4. Beer: For what brand of beer was Spuds MacKenzie a sponsor?

9. Space: What is the closest star system to the sun?

5. History: In what 20th century war did the Communist Party of China face off against the

Geography: What is the capital of Portugal?

ERIC BENNETT

FROM BACKSTREETS

Eric’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Desperate Housewives 2. Philippines 3. I don’t remember... 4. Miller Lite 5. The Chinese-Philippine War 6. 39.5 7. I thought Kit Kat was a Hershey 8. I have absolutely no clue. 9. The Death Star 10. Lisbon

1. The Real Housewives of Orange County 2. Bangladesh 3. Edgar Allan Poe 4. Bud Light 5.Chinese Civil War 6. 39.5 7. Nestle Nutmeg 8.

The Weeknd 9. Alpha Centauri 10. Lisbon

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

FRESHMAN 15 SHOTS

FIRST DAY ON YOUR OWN CASSEROLE

With school starting up again, it’s important to get focused but even more important to focus on getting your tolerance back to an acceptable level. This game is sure to give your liver a warm welcome back to Clemson.

Mommy and Daddy drop you off at school and hightail it outta there before you can change your mind, now what do you do? Forget the ramen, you can make something just like grandma used to make—after she became old and senile and tried feeding you raccoon for Thanksgiving.

What You’ll Need: A good ol’ handle of Burnett’s, a flask, and plenty of perseverance.

Number of Players: You and all your closest friends who you haven’t seen all summer.

What You’ll Need: A casserole dish, (Who are we kidding? You’re not Martha Stewart) or some sort of pot—the baking kind. No, no, the kind you put in the oven. Also, whatever food you can scrounge up for free during Syllabus Week. Probably Papa John’s and whatever else. We used two slices of pizza and a box of fried rice a hobo generously offered us.

Level of Intoxication: You’ll be missing class the next day because of the hangover.

Fatty Factor: 1000% of your daily-recommended value.

How to Play: -Take a shot for all the ambulances you hear called on the freshmen that can’t hang.

-For every icebreaker in your classes, take a shot.

- Every time you step around puke on the sidewalk, drink to that.

-When you see the herds of students wearing lanyards around their neck, take a shot and try not to strangle them with their makeshift noose.

-If somebody asks you for directions, take a shot and appreciate the fact you look like you know your way around this place.

-If somebody asks to borrow your ID for the bars, take a long drink and deny them every time.

Let’s Get Baked: - Preheat the oven to 400 degrees.

- Take the pot and gently place it on a flat surface.

- Throw all the ingredients into the pot so violently that they selfcombine.

- Sprinkle a hefty helping of salt for “flavor.”

- Wait a certain amount of time, you decide.

- Carefully remove from oven.

- Divide into enough portions to last the entire semester.

- Call Mom and cry.

The Game Ends When: You realize you have to stumble to your next class, whatever the hell that might be.

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If the complaining to Mom doesn’t work, virtually every club on campus offers free food during Syllabus Week. Just steal a pizza or two at every session and you can last through most of the semester.

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Clemson Junior Overcomes Minor Tractor Obstacle Near Campus Savannah N. Miller wrote this

A young man scratches his head in confusion as he looks upon a tractor. Smoke from the engine billowed up into the air. The tractor appeared to have broken down. We caught up with Joe, a junior agronomy major, while we scouted for incoming freshmen to interview.

A nice, normal family in a small, enviro-friendly car hailing from a quiet, boring suburb pulled up next to Joe on the highway shoulder. The man in the front seat stuck his head out the window, “Hello there, son! It looks like you’re having a bit of tractor trouble. I reckon you want some help with that, and we’re a tad early for our tee-time anyway! It’s nothing the Smith family can’t handle.”

“Sorry, sir, I caint letcha touch my paw’s tractor. This old gal’s been in mah family since before Hillary Clinton started controlling the weather with her witch powers, and if he heard I let some city-folk mess with her… Well you can imagine what would happen,” Joe explained as he took a swig of homemade apple pie moonshine from a mason jar.

The Smith family nodded skeptically and pulled back onto the road. We then decided to follow Joe on his quest back to campus. He chewed on an old toothpick (whittled from his favorite tree) as he surveyed the tractor. The transmission was out, and since his family doesn’t believe in AAA or phone lines, Joe was out of ideas.

With not much else to do about the tractor, he made his way to the closest CATbus stop. Within minutes the bus pulled up to the curb, and Joe, in his industrial cowboy boots and straw hat, hopped in. On the bus, children, assumedly the siblings of some university students, were playing tag. One of them was interested in Joe, “Hi! Can I wear your hat?”

“No… Well here, you can play with mah favorite pocket knife! My grandpaw gave it to me on mah fifth birthday. I can show ya how to throw it—,”a mother suddenly rushed over, shielding the child’s

eyes, and shot Joe an incredulous look. Joe shrugged and took another swig.

He got off at the first stop, right next to Bowman field. Older students horsed around on the grassy lawn, practicing lasso tricks on friends and showing off new banjo tunes. Joe spotted his friends immediately, as there was a large crowd gathered around them, “Billy! Cooter! Buddy!”

“Joe! How you been doin’? You wanna join in?” Buddy shouted, his 12-gauge double barrel pointed straight up to the sky. The group was partaking in one of their favorite activities—target practice on the campus squirrels. The other boys whooped and hollered to each other happily, and the crowd cheered them on with each new shot.

Joe grinned and shook his head, waving them off. Bone-tired from traveling, he was ready for some beer drinkin’ and a long sleep before the semester started.

Misunderstood by so many, Joe told us he wasn’t bothered by the disapproving looks and eye rolls from outsiders.

“It’s the Clemson way,” he said. “They can all go to Carolina as far as I care.” Joe tipped his hat in farewell to his friends and swaggered off into the Clemson sunset.

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YOUR SUCCESSFUL SEMESTER MADLIB Well, this headache isn’t quite how I expected to start this semester, but I guess that’s what ya get for pounding a __1__ of __2__ at __3__ rager last night. Actually, kind of reminded me of __4__ pool party over the summer, when I __5__ that one __6__ and didn’t even catch a name.

But this semester’s not going to be like last semester! First class up is…ok, well I missed __7__, but it’s just Syllabus Week anyway, so who frickin’ cares, right? I’ll definitely go to __8__… but it’s all the way over in __9__, so, maybe not.

Enough of class, man. Plenty of time to do the whole academic thing. I wonder what’s even going on tonight. Oh shit, it’s __10__! It’s—that means it’s __11__at __12__! Been waiting for this one all summer. Going to get my good clothes on, going to shave my __13__and I’ll be bringing back a piece. We’ll put on some “__14__” by __15__and tomorrow morning we’ll hit up __16__ for some of that good Plan B. Ok, but for real. It’s time to get up and get the whole day going. Well, wait, I forgot I was just about to start another season of __17__on Netflix. Maybe I’ll go to class tomorrow.

CLUE BANK 1) Container/volume of booze (bottle/case, etc.)

2) Beer or liquor brand 3) Friend, possessive 4) Different friend, possessive 5) Sex act, past tense 6) Term for guy or girl 7) First class of the year 8) Second class of the year 9) Far-away campus building 10) Day of the week 11) Bar special 12) Bar that has 11’s special 13) Body part 14) Sexytime song 15) Artist 16) Campus health center 17) TV show

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