The Black Sheep
fre con e...lik d o m e yo s. A ur r nd o too omm thb ate rus ’s h.
Vol. 3, Issue 2
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/5/13 - 9/18/13
Clemson Student’s Miraculous Attendance Streak
Finally Comes To An End BY: dan collins
Jimmy Rippert, a Clemson junior, spent his first two years on campus living in relative obscurity, amassing a meager GPA of 2.21 and a record of attendance described as “dismal.” This semester, however, with nothing but a little hard work and a can-do attitude… and yes, a large incentive from his father, Earl Rippert, he captured the fascination of the entire student body with an attendance streak lasting two whole weeks. Rippert had reportedly made a solemn vow to himself that, despite his previous mediocrity in the classroom, this year he would change his errant ways. “If my father is willing to buy me a car if I can get above a 3.5 this semester, I don’t see any reason why I shouldn’t go for it,” said Rippert. “And the first step to achieving that car-- I mean goal-- is to attend class every day.” During his incredible streak, Rippert reportedly battled a plethora of trials and tribulations, such as hungover Friday morning classes, a late-night lab that interfered with “an epic pregame,” and even a class that caused him to miss 3 innings of the Little League World Series Finals. As impressive as Rippert’s streak was, what is even more extraordinary is the way in which students caught wind of the act, inspired to heights that were previously thought to be unreachable. “I thought I was wasting my time trying to perfect thermonuclear fusion,” said graduate student Guy Lopresti. “But if that slob can get his lazy ass out of bed and into class for two consecutive weeks, I should be able to finish thermonuclear fusion in a matter of minutes.”
Lopresti is not the only one to be affected by Rippert’s inspiring story. “I walked into the room and it was shocking, a completely full classroom on a Friday. Usually I don’t even show up to class on Friday because I know I’ll be teaching to an empty room again,” said Professor Dylan Goulding, who teaches three sections of electrical engineering. It was as if Rippert’s determination had grown like a terrible virus and infected the entire school with a hardworking attitude. Unfortunately, like all good things, Rippert’s streak eventually came to an end. By the time the two-week mark hit, Rippert’s ego had blown up to dangerous levels of pompous narcissism, he felt invincible. It was in this moment of vulnerability that a perfect storm hit him like a freight train in the form of a 21st birthday celebration that was to take place at T.D.’s karaoke night. “I had gotten cocky,” said Rippert. “I thought nothing could stop me. Then my friend told me he had signed us up to sing ‘Bohemian Rhapsody,’ a terrible karaoke choice. I mean, it goes on for like 8 minutes. And I’m not gonna sing an 8 minute karaoke ballad even semi-sober, so I had no other option but to get insanely drunk. I woke up the next day at 12:15p.m., 3 hours after my classes had started. My dreams were shattered. On Wednesday, September 4th, the streak that had made me a god was over.” In the end, Rippert was only human. He had made it two weeks before his inevitable failure. But in this
time of mourning, it’s important to remember what the streak taught us all: Anything is possible. With enough hard work and/or incentivization, any one of us could show up in miraculous quantities, lasting three, or someday even four weeks. That is, if his story
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Boredom Blunders
How to: Not be That Freshman
Sometimes resorting to unconventional tactics while bored in class is all you need to do.
is to be believed. Rippert’s roommate, Will Harrison, has reportedly gone on record saying that Rippert is “Completely full of shit. I literally watched him sleep through his Physics class on only the third day of his alleged streak. What a dick.”
Some do’s and don’ts for you newbies out there.
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We Interview: A Magician No matter what you learn from this, always remember that a trick is something a whore does for money.