Clemson - Issue 3 - 2/14

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The Black Sheep

FR EE ... mi like nu te tha un t p der enc ne il y at ou hy f ou oun rd d es las k. t-

• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 4, Issue 3 • 2/14/13 - 2/27/13

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_clem

Highway 93 and College Avenue: The death corner Dustin Bertelsen wrote this

The corner between Old Greenville Highway and College Avenue is three things: It’s where Clemson’s campus ends, where downtown Clemson begins, and where restaurateurs’ dreams go to die. Though the corner hosts a Subway franchise on one part of the corner and TD’s Food and Drink on the other—two of the most popular Clemson eateries-- little else can exist in the area. 199 Old Greenville Way is the deathbed of local business, and has been for years. Since the Fall 2010 semester, three now-extinct businesses have called that location home: Finn’s Grill, Samurai Express, and Sweet Grass Diner. Finn’s Grill opened in the summer of 2010. One can imagine restaurant owner Finn Finnerson dreaming of dollar signs and comeons by college girls looking for their big break in the restaurant world. Instead, reality leveled a healthy smack across his face, and the business was closed six months later. Finnerson and his children had an imagination Christmas after his wife left him for the owner of Samurai Express, the restaurant that followed in the cursed footsteps. But, of course, Samurai Express was doomed from the get-go. Though it was one of the best ideas for a restaurant to grace Tigertown, it twopump chumped its way to an early finish. Why it failed is anyone’s guess. One would assume that a delivery Japanese joint would make tons off of a late-night, beer munchies crowd that is too lazy to mosey downtown. It inevitably shut its doors immediately following the fall 2011 semester. The spring 2012 semester saw the rise and demise of the Sweet Grass Diner, which no one really knew about, and with good reason. Sweet Grass was a relatively obscure eatery next to the infinitely more popular TD’s. As a shirt found on morbidly obese 90s rednecks reminds us, “If you’re not the lead dog, the view never changes.” Sweet Grass was not the lead dog. Hell, its owner quickly decided to take it behind the woodshed for the big sleep treatment, and it ended up closing its doors during the summer of 2012. Next up, the current proprietors of 666 Hell Avenue 199 Greenville Way: Palmetto’s Smokehouse and Oyster Bar. Thus far, The Palmetto Oyster Bar has marketed itself well to the Clemson students. One can walk by this restaurant and see a BYOB sign, which of course is good, because beer, of course, is good. Want

Career Fair Translations Are you sending the right message to future employers? Or did you show up drunk?

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to succeed? Offer deals to students on certain days- follow TD’s lead with something like Buck Burger Night or the Todaro’s Dollar Slice Night. Keeping late hours on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights will also help. A drunken senior trudging through downtown would love to drop a pretty penny downing some raw oysters on a bet from his equally drunk friends. And since college kids will do anything for money, you can hire an equally desperate student to clean up the

what'’s inside

The Black Sheep 2013 “Baseball” Preview Our writer told us this article is a slam dunk.

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inevitable puke pile. Though we wish The Palmetto Oyster Bar the best in their endeavors, consider The Black Sheep skeptical of potential success. What could the future hold for this next place? We heard there’s already plans to make it a strip club that has indoor laser tag. We’ll let you decide which one of those makes us more aroused.

Bartender of the Week “Famous” Justin Amos from td’s wants Elmo to walk by again.

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contents page 5: The Daily Dilemma: To Skip or Not To Skip

Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com

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Skipping classes, that is, in case you forgot what those are.

page 6: The Top 10: Ways to Get Out of Missing an Exam It’s as easy as giving a dog a jar of peanut butter.

Table of

pages 7: from the streets

What are your thoughts on Valentine’s Day?

page 11: We Interview: Monica Theiu

What, you don’t know who the 2012 Jeopardy! College Champion is? Well now you do!

page 12: Seth MacFarlane’s Oscar Monolouge It’s soooooo funny, you guys!

page 13: Losing Faith in Your Major Yeah, man. math is like, really hard.

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word of the week Bartition:

The four-deep line of people separating you from the bartender. “Damn this bartition! If I don’t get a gin and tonic pronto I’m going to have to sleep with that uggo sober.”


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Career Fair Translations tbs staff wrote this It’s career fair season here at the Clemson. For many of us, this can be a stressful time, presenting the working world’s most frustrating conundrum: You need an internship so you can get job experience, but you need job experience to get an internship. There’s often a disconnect between what actually happens at a career fair and how the recruiter responds. Sometimes they’re impressed, sometimes they’re disinterested, and sometimes they find a polite way to say, “Not in a million elevator pitches.” Here’s a guide that will help you interpret the strange happenings at your career fair and if a successful career is in your future. NO EYE CONTACT: What It Actually Means: You’re terrified. Everyone’s told you how important this moment is, and you’re just about ready to shit your pants in terror. What the Recruiter Thinks: You lack confidence and you’ll never be a leader in this industry. some eye contact: What It Actually Means: You’re off to a good start. Just remember to smile, and the person will probably think you’re friendly and trusthworthy. What the Recruiter Thinks: You haven’t blown it… yet. And get that dumb smile off your face. You look stupid. unbreakable stare: What It Actually Means: You’re overcompensating because you’re terrified. This isn’t the bedroom; you’re not trying to make up for lack of penis length. Relax. What the Recruiter Thinks: You have a sex dungeon, and I am completely unaroused. gpa lower than 3.0: What It Actually Means: Your grades aren’t bad. It’s good that you have the confidence to talk to recruiters and battle against other students who are way out of your league.

What the Recruiter Thinks: You’re not qualified. Transfer to art school while you still have time. gpa between 3.0 and 3.5: What It Actually Means: Your grades are good. You’re average, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. What the Recruiter Thinks: You’re not qualified. Do you even want to be here? gpa between 3.5 and 4.0: What It Actually Means: Your grades are great, and you should be proud of your accomplishments. What the Recruiter Thinks: You’re not qualified… and you’re a nerd. Don’t you have any other hobbies? dressed in sweatpants and bedhead: What It Actually Means: You’re sleepwalking again. Go see a doctor. What the Recruiter Thinks: You’d fit right in at Google. When can you start? dressed in suit and tie: What It Actually Means: You’ve got your shit together, and you’re ready to work. What the Recruiter Thinks: You lack a unique sense of individuality, and you’ll never be a leader in this industry. dressed in Pink tux with matching cane, monocle, gloves, and top hat: What It Actually Means: You’re an escaped mental patient and need to return this all to Salvation Army right away. What the Recruiter Thinks: You’re an escaped mental patient or attempting to channel your inner Prince. Either way, no. missing the phone interview: What It Actually Means: You were up all night celebrating

the fact that you landed a phone interview. What the Recruiter Thinks: Drat, you would’ven been a perfect fit. CONVEYING EXCITEMENT, AMBITION AND EXPERIENCE DURING THE PHONE INTERVIEW: What It Actually Means: You conveyed the ability to hold a conversation without making a sexist, racist, or otherwise inappropriate comment. What the Recruiter Thinks: You still haven’t blown it … yet. Maybe I’ll check your Facebook page to dig up some dirt. losing connection halfway through phone interview: What It Actually Means: You’re screwed. Unreliable phone conection in the 21st century? What the hell is your problem? What the Recruiter Thinks: Did you just hang up? You’re going to be a leader in this industry. When can you start?

giving thoughtful and intelligent answers during in-person interview: What It Actually Means: You just crushed it. There’s nothing else you can do now but sit and wait for the job offer. What the Recruiter Thinks: You don’t have experience with Java, C, C++, and PHP. Don’t expect to hear from us. taking 5 shots to relax before the in-person interview: What It Actually Means: You’re an alcoholic who follows advice from your dumbest friend. You better pray it doesn’t smell or that you don’t slur your words. What the Recruiter Thinks: You were so unphased by my rigorous questioning, I would’ve given you the job if you didn’t puke on my shoes. calling the male interviewer “dad” during the in-person interview: What It Actually Means: You blew it. What the Recruiter Thinks: Ha! I knew you would blow it!


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The Daily Dilemma: To Skip or Not to Skip tbs staff wrote this

February marks the passing of Syllabus Week and the torrential deluge of academia-related stress. We college students have even more trials and tribulations to face as we plunge deeper into spring semester. Stress stems from the inability to cope. The inability to cope stems from the shell-shocking realization that you signed up for more than you can handle. To make room for these things, you often have to make GPA-changing decisions which go against the moral compass you naively established as a New Year’s resolution. So what do you do? Play it Skyrim style: make room in your inventory and get rid of some junk for more valuable ones. Translated: skip class and get that paper done! While you’re at it, let the lean, mean Skipping Check-List machine ease your conscience. (DISCLAIMER: Please read responsibly) 1.) Identify the situation: Like any good CPR exercise, you have to analyze your surroundings, identify the situation, and weigh the pros and cons. Unlike any good CPR exercise, you have at least 30 minutes before your class starts. Ask yourself the following: what do I need to get done? How much time will it take me? What does my schedule look like today? If you have a 20-page lab report due 1:00 p.m., see what your morning schedule looks like and immediately single out classes/lectures you can afford to miss. 2.) Check your singled-out-classes’ attendance policy: Some courses have lenient rules in regards to attendance. Some courses don’t even take attendance. It’s important to know what you’re risking, or if there’s any risk at all. So you have an 8:00 a.m. lecture of 100 kids and the professor doesn’t take attendance. Great,

sounds ideal. Skip that one. However, whatever works in theory doesn’t always play out in reality. What if the professor conducts sporadic pop quizzes or in-class short answer questions as their attendance policy? Double check how big of an impact it is to your overall course grade. If missing one pop quiz accounts for 2% of your final grade compared to the lab you procrastinated, which accounts for 20%... well, you get it. 3.) Call for back-up: You’re not off the thin ice in the dark woods yet. A flexible attendance policy can’t fully justify the situation, and just because you’re cutting your losses doesn’t mean there’s nothing salvageable. Check to see if you can email/text/call anyone from your list of singled-out-classes. Ask for notes or a heads-up for potential assignments. Depending on the depth of your friendship, maybe you can even ask them to do some dirty work for you (writing down your name on the attendance sheet, forging your handwriting to answer a short-answer for you, just to name a couple). However, keep your priority in mind and don’t ask for too much. A simple need-to-know prognosis will suffice. NOTE: It is crucial to emphasize how infrequent your dependence on back-up will be. Nobody likes being used, especially by an irresponsible student who isn’t putting as much effort as they are in class. Just confess to your friend your reasons for playing hooky and your willingness to be their back-up if the need arises. A friend in need is a friend indeed. 4.) Get your shit done!: You found a way around the attendance

policy, you have back-up; what more do you need? It’s time to hyper-focus on the task and ignore all else in the world. If you usually take 20-minute showers, cut it by half. Being timely so you can finish in a timely manner is essential. Skipping your class is like sacrificing a pawn in chess -- it’s not detrimental but it’s a sacrifice that should not go to waste. Put a check on your procrastination and get your shit done.

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The

Top 10

theblacksheeponline.com

ways to get out of missing an exam

When the exam make-up policy of every professor on campus is essentially “Haha, screw you,” you’ve got to get a little more creative. Here are some handy ways to get you out of trouble when you couldn’t get out of bed! 10.) Drink...some poison: Just head on down to the ol’ Poison Shoppe and pick out something nice and mild. Down it, then head to the doctor’s office to get your illness all official and documented. As a bonus, you can claim your roommate tried to kill you. Hello, single room! 9.) Forge an athletic excuse: Professors see these so much, we bet they barely even look them over. Just type out something official-sounding, like “Hello professor, so and so had to miss the exam because he was footballing with us in another state. We know academics are important, but we needed him to shoot the points so we could beat the other team’s sportsmen. From, The Coach.” 8.) Exploit your minority status: “I bet you’d let me retake the test if I was WHITE, wouldn’t you?” Even if you won the skin color jackpot, there’s always something you can claim. “Is this because of my Algonquin great-great-stepmother?” or “You’re just picking on me because I’m a eunuch!” 7.) Give your dog a jar of peanut butter: Ha ha, look at him! Awwwww! Ohhhh, he’s got some on his nose! He can’t stop licking his snout! Haahahaaaawwwwww! See, you already forgot all about that exam you missed! Now granted, this is a short-term solution, but you can make it work with a long-term supply of peanut butter.

2013 Clemson “Baseball” Preview Dustin Bertelsen wrote this Clemson University’s Tigers baseball squad will enter the 2013 season with a completely new look, having one of the most freshman-laden teams in program history. Beginning the season unranked and without the lofty expectations that have saddled Tigers squad in recent years, it is certainly what one would call a “rebuilding” year. Or, more accurately, a “please god, let this work out for the best,” year. Last year, Clemson had one of their most prolific offensive scorers on the team, Richie Shaffer. He was drafted in the first round by the Tampa Bay Rays as a junior and leaves a massive hole to be filled by underclassmen. Only four seniors made this year’s roster, including old man Thomas Brittle. How will the Tigers perform with such youth and uncertainty this year? Well, let’s hope their overcompetitive parents attend the games, loudly threatening to take away their son’s orange slices if he, “can’t f***ing get on base at a decent clip.” One thing is for certain, however, in that the Tigers must be able to catch up to that god-awful institution in the dump known as Columbia. The Lamecocks in the past 3 years have dominated the Battle for the Palmetto State, and have made the College World Series final 3 years in a row, winning back-to-back titles in 2010 and 2011. Arizona finally knocked off the Chickens in last year’s final, but USuCk has established itself as one of the dominant forces in college baseball. Clemson head coach Jack Leggett must turn the tide against our in-state rivals in order to fully win over the support from the Tiger faithful. Clemson cannot afford losing both the regular season series AND getting knocked out by the Shamecocks in the playoffs like they did last year. This year’s series takes place the first weekend in March, with a home-neutral-away set. Also of note for this year’s baseball squad, is the presence of two-sport athlete, D.J. Reader. A defensive tackle on Clemson’s daunting football team, he made the cut this year as a freshman. Remember Jeff Samardzija, the Notre Dame 2-way athlete that was both a monster at football and a star baseball pitcher? Imagine him, but 6’3” and 335 lbs. on the mound. Any batter beaned by Reader would think twice before charging the mound. Though, with careful planning and a desire to circle Reader, a plunked batsman could easily exhaust the lumbering giant before going in for the kill, as a smaller predator would do to larger prey on the plains of the Savanna. As for the students, we need to cram into Doug Kingsmore Stadium like sardines and make it as tough to play as Death Valley. Nothing beats crowd chants like “Hey batter, batter” or hawking the other team’s outfielders. Especially when the Chicken Penises come to town, Clemson’s populace needs to fill the Doug up and give that terrible team from the dump hell. With such a young team this year, nothing will build their confidence more than thousands of supporters yelling for them. Want to make it even more fun? Pregame or tailgate before the game, get your beer jacket on, and be as obnoxious as possible. It’s not that bad if you’re cheering your school on right?

6.) Make a sacrifice: Any of your relatives will do. Once they go limp and stop beating frantically at your chest, snap a couple pictures for proof. Come to think of it, it’d probably work just as well if you just made up a phony funeral announcement. Oh well, no use crying over killed ilk. 5.) Get your professor’s priorities straight: Head to any military surplus store, buy a deactivated grenade, and lob it into your professor’s office. Once they’re done freaking out, walk in and say “Gee, when you think you’re about to die, me missing a test doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, huh?” 4.) We’re not gonna take it!: Making a big scene is a surefire way to get yourself out of nearly any situation. Go to your professor’s office and start yelling about your rights, even if you don’t know what they are. Set some shit on fire and yell into a megaphone. Complain about all the whales that were killed to make the paper for the exams. 3.) Bribe your professor: That’s it. We don’t have any jokes for this one, ‘cause this is actually a serious idea. Hey, come on, you can have a real idea or you can have another stupid joke, but not both. All right, fine. Give them money and then, we dunno, fart on their face or something. Whatever. 2.) Be honest: We don’t mean tell the truth, that’s stupid! Think of something so embarrassing, they’d never suspect somebody would be desperate enough to lie about it. “To be honest, I had another tongue-wart flare up and couldn’t breathe. My tongue locked together with my throat warts like they were Legos.” 1.) Drop that shit like a hot potato: The reality of the situation is, you’re screwed. Lighten your class load and move on. If the missing credit ends up being a problem when you’re applying to graduate, just bring your dog and some of your peanut butter to the graduation ceremony, and steal a diploma while the whole arena is distracted by the adorable scene.

tbs staff wrote this


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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com

what are your thoughts on Valentine's Day? “I love and hate it. It’s a Hallmark holiday made to make people realize that they’re alone if you are not dating anyone. I’ve gotten over it now and just enjoy the candy!” - Lauren G.

“Valentine’s day is overly commercialized and more about the girl than the guy, when it should be about both.” - Leigh Anne H.

“I think it’s a pretty pointless holiday that gets us to spend money.” - Andrew H.

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bartender of the week justin a. td's Relationship Status: In a relationship Major: Drinkology Favorite Drink: Jack and ginger Favorite Shot: Apple Pie – Goldschlager, apple Pucker, and a splash of sour Worst Drink ever: Sambuca What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face: Justin Bieber What is the worst pickup line you’ve heard on the job: “Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk by again?” If you could be a holiday, which would you be: Halloween, so I can give my famous Amos cookies out. What event is craziest at TD’s: St. Paddy’s Day What dead person would you want to bring back to life: Mitch Hedberg, I miss his jokes

the drinking game:

If you could have any superpower, what would it be: Telekinesis. Move things and control things with your mind. What’s not to love? Boxers, briefs, freeballing: Boxer-briefs, where support and comfort meet. Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with: Tickle Me Elmo What’s one thing you never want your mom to know about you: My mom knows everything. Doesn’t ask, just knows. During the time at your bar, about how many numbers have you gotten on the job: Enough to get me in trouble with my girlfriend. How many 4-year olds do you think you could take in a fight: 33 -- To those who know, you lose. Favorite place to party: My pants Favorite or least favorite tattoo: Favorite is the cross on my back because it was my first.

recipe for disaster:

task master

hot dog and egg sandwiches

Truth or Dare was a highlight of middle school sleepovers. However, the one thing that was missing at the time was copious amounts of alcohol (unless you went to cool kid parties). Task Master takes Truth or Dare and makes it better by adding alcohol and removing the Truth part, because that was always for pussies.

Many times the secret to creativity lies in using what is available to you. Many of us would love to cook complex dinners using a variety of spices and meats, but that is often too expensive, and we are often too drunk or tired or stoned or lazy or all of those. Here is a simple recipe using only food that are mainstays in the college student kitchen

What You’ll Need: Alcohol! Number of Players: As many brave souls as you can acquire. Level of Intoxication: That all depends on how wiling you are to humiliate yourself. How To Play: - Designate a person in the group to be the first Task Master. This can be done by choice, rock, paper, scissors, odds-evens, whatever. - The Task Master then assigns a task (dare) to another player in the group. - If the person fails their task, the must drink half of their drink. If the person refuses to do a task, they must finish their drink. - When a person completes a task, everyone takes a social drink, and the person who completed the task becomes the new Task Master. The Game Ends When: Everyone is too ashamed of themselves to make eye contact.

What You’ll Need: Hotdogs, eggs, cheese, bread. Cook Time: 5-10 minutes. Fatty Factor: Deliciously incapacitating. Let’s Get Baked: - Start off by throwing some bread in the toaster. If you don’t have a toaster, a microwave might work. Don’t quote us on that, we’re not Gordon Ramsay. - Cut up a few hotdogs into thin slices and throw them on a frying pan. - Beat some eggs and throw those on the same frying pan. If you haven’t noticed yet, this recipe involves a lot of throwing. - Scramble the eggs along with the hotdog slices until the eggs are cooked. - Remove the toast from the microwave, put the eggs and hotdogs on the toast, and throw some cheese on it. If your arm is still feeling good, try throwing some hot sauce on it too.

It only takes one person to change this game from a light-hearted prank fest to a full on molest-a-thon, so choose your participants carefully.

If there’s one thing better than scrambled eggs, it’s scrambled eggs with hot dogs in it. And if there’s one thing that’s better than scrambled eggs with hotdogs in it, it’s scrambled eggs with hotdogs in it with cheese on top. And if there’s one thing better than that, it’s sex. But…but why are we so alone?

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we interview:

monica theiu, 2012 jeopardy! college champion

THIS! IS! AN INTERVIEW WITH THE 2012 JEOPARDY! COLLEGE CHAMPIONSHIP WINNER, MONICA THIEU! Now a student at Stanford University, last year she steamrolled her competition to win a cool $100,000. She’ll be participating in the Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions, airing February 15th. Sure, she may know Chopin’s “Minute Waltz” is in D flat major, but does she know how to love? By: Brendan TBS: Why did you want to be on Jeopardy! so badly? Monica: I did quiz bowl stuff in high school, I’ve always known random crap, but I didn’t really know it was useful until high school. Then I was like, “You can win stuff for knowing shit? That’s great!” With Jeopardy!, I like being on TV, and I thought it would be something fun to do. TBS: What did you do to study between learning to be on the show and arriving on set? Monica: There’s a website online that archives old games with transcripts with old questions and answers. I went back and mined it for questions and answers, comparing the questions they ask with things I know and things I don’t. Hopefully, I would only be studying the things I really needed to study. TBS: Before you’re on the show do you meet your competitors? Monica: We didn’t get to meet the people on the show until we spent time in the green room. There’s actually a lot of time that we’re there that we’re not taping, and the two days we spent together brought us pretty close. Being on something like Jeopardy! brings people together. It’s not that I didn’t want to win, but if I have to beat you, I’m really sorry. TBS: Everything is taped in a two-day span? Monica: Yes. They tape five shows a day over the course of two days. TBS: In your downtime did you go do anything else non-Jeopardy! related? Monica: On the first day the people who taped before us had the opportunity to go eat in the Sony Pictures employee cafeteria. Since I taped on the fifth show out of five we had to stay in the green room, because talking with people outside of it might affect the way we play, and they can’t have that. On the second day I watched the two games being played. During lunch we had to stay in the employee cafeteria, I think they were afraid we’d go and blab the results out. TBS: There’s a pretty big stretch of time between the show taping and the show airing. How did you keep your win a secret? Monica: I told a couple of people, and it leaked out. The intent is, you’re supposed to keep mum about the results until it happens. TBS: What’s different between watching it on TV and playing in the studio? Monica: When you’re watching the show, you don’t realize how much it’s a buzzer-based game, as opposed to an answers-based game. Sure, there may be some answers a contestant might not know, but so much of it was I knew the answer, but I was too slow on the buzzer. So often people would say, “How come you didn’t get that?” and I knew the answer, but another contestant beat me to getting there. TBS: What percentage of questions did you know? What percentage did you answer? Monica: I’d be confident answering 80% to 85%, and another 5% I could make a good guess. There were a few categories where I didn’t know anything. TBS: What percentage of the questions did you get in on? Monica: Not that many. Maybe half of the questions I knew? That’s a very generous estimate; I was not very good on the buzzer. TBS: In turn, did you ever try to get in not knowing what the answer was? Monica: Sometimes you’d see the question and you think you can figure out in the five seconds they give you the answer, then you realize you can’t. TBS: When they go to a judge for a clarification, is that TV magic? Or is it really like a 2-second call on their part? Monica: Totally [TV magic]. None of my games had a pause when judges were reconsidering answers, but they’ll reevaluate a question during a commercial break. One of the times I was watching, it was a half hour break as the judges debate. TBS: What question were you proudest of answering? Monica: I’m not sure there’s a question I’m proudest of answering. I got all of the Final Jeopardy! questions correct, so I guess I’m proud of that. A couple of those were well-placed guesses. A lot of Jeopardy is a game of educated guessing. If you’re good enough to connect the dots, you can figure it out. TBS: What is Alex Trebek like? Monica: He’s a character, though we didn’t have as much time to spend with him as I thought we were going to. Basically, he’ll come out for the game, and then leave immediately to change for the next game and whatnot. We had promo photos with him, though. He’s a nice guy, but he’ll sass the audience sometimes during the commercial breaks. TBS: The constant interviews seem miserable. They are, right? Monica: Dude, they’re the worst! I wish we didn’t have to do them. I hate watching other peoples’ contestant interviews, I hated my own contestant interviews. It’s the most awkward part of the show, can we just not do this? Sometimes Alex will make a quip or innuendo and you’ll be like, “All right Alex, you go do that.” TBS: So how has winning this changed things for you? Monica: I’ve only had a few people recognize me in public, like at McDonald’s. Otherwise, it’s just funny when I have to explain to people that I was on Jeopardy! , they’ll be star struck for like, one minute. For the most part my life hasn’t been super different. TBS: $100,000 isn’t too bad, though. Monica: Oh, no no no. But taxes.

Credit: Jeopardy! Productions

the big three

entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.

safe Haven IN Theaters february 14th

If you are one of those girls, you can drag your stoner boyfriend to see Safe Haven, a Nicholas Sparks drama about a small town boy and girl who fall in love with each other (we actually didn't read the description, but this has got to be what it's about). Have your man treat you to a fancy entree at P.F. Chang's afterwards and, boom, you'll forget all about that boyfriend who left you on Valentine's Day.

die hard In theaters february 14th

Or, if you're the douchebag dumper, grab an emotional doormat off the street to see Die Hard, the fifth installment of the Bruce Willis action film about fighting and stuff. Afterward, treat her to a salad from Applebee's and some flowers from your local grocery store, and get excited for 20-minutes of average sex at your place. It's all about love.

ridiculousness Thursday, February 14th at 10pm on MTV

Or, if you are one of those couples, you can cozy up on the couch to catch the third season premiere of the viral video clip show Ridiculousness. Grab a few bottles of wine, order some pizza, and laugh and laugh and laugh at guys getting hit in the junk and getting humped by dolphins. Maybe a b.j. on the couch will happen during commercials, because you two can be so crazy sometimes!


seth macfarlane's oscar monolouge Good evening, and welcome to the 2013 Academy Awards! You know, when they asked me to host this year I said, “Sure, it should be easier than that time I hosted SNL and the ghost of Florence Nightingale put a frozen banana in my butt!” Anyway, I’m sure you’re all more excited to get this over with than John Madden’s colon after he mistook three pounds of pepper jack cheese for a rotisserie chicken! Now, if you haven’t seen the lovely Anne Hathaway -- where are you Anne? Beautiful, didn’t she and James do a great job last year? It was a meeting of ugly and stoned meets elegance and beauty, like when George R.R. Martin wanders onto a multiple-blowjob scene in Game of Thrones. Let’s start with a look at the Actor in a Leading Role candidates - we’ve got a manic depressive, a bipolar, two drunks, and a former inmate. Boy, sounds like a Monday night at Robert Downey Jr.’s house. It’s been a tight race for Actor in a Leading Role. Bradley Cooper, of course, did a wonderful job capturing a tortured bipolar man. But boy, audiences haven’t been faced with that much spousal abuse since Rihanna told Chris Brown he missed a button. Speaking of Silver Linings Playbook, Jennifer Lawrence is an amazing actress up for an award. Even now, though, the talk about Jennifer isn’t as much about how she’s a great actress, it’s about how comfortable she is in her own skin. No offense, Jennifer, but most people would be pretty comfortable in a 22-year-old woman. Only Roman Polanski would say that it’s too loose of a fit. Probably the biggest discussion of a film’s ability to make its audience think surrounded Kathryn Bigelow’s Zero Dark Thirty, and the message it sends about torture. Namely, that being waterboarded is more pleasant than sitting through all of Beasts of the Southern Wild.

In “massive buyout of a failing organization news”, this year George Lucas sold Star Wars to Disney. The news only got better when Walt Disney himself awoke from his cryogenic state to design the Jewish version of Jar Jar Binks himself. [Evil voice] “Yes, his name is Jewba the Hutt and he wants to melt C-3PO and ruin America’s economy.” This year a lot of people thought Paul Thomas Anderson’s The Master would receive a nomination for Best Picture. Those people were wrong, and his Scientology allegory didn’t get the nod. If you ask me, no story about a dead, invisible entity loved by many has been snubbed that hard since Manti T’eo’s spec script for My Real-LifeI-Swear-To-God-She Exists Girlfriend: A Love Story was passed over by Harvey Weinstein. Speaking of closeted homosexuals who preach love for invisible weirdos, Tom Cruise couldn’t make it this evening. When Katie Holmes’ lawyer told him he would have to take care of Suri tonight, he was more disappointed than when his agent let him know he’d be starring in Jack Reacher, not Jack Reach-Around. There was another snub this year too, a little movie named Ted that wasn’t put up for any awards. If you ask me, it was the best film of the year, and not just because I made millions of dollars from it. It’s also because I’ve made millions and millions of dollars for it. I haven’t seen a joke that self-referential since the last twenty years of Al Pacino’s career. And how about Life of Pi? Life of Pi is up for Best Picture this year. Good thing Bruce Vilanch hasn’t seen it, around him a Pi’s life is what? 20 minutes, tops?

Everyone knows what a treat Daniel Day-Lewis is, especially when he’s working on another personality. Audiences everywhere felt like they were looking at Abraham himself, but one thing he failed to capture with Lincoln, was honest Abe’s well-known habit of parading around the White House dressed as a John Wilkes Booth’s wife and offering “moral oral” to everyone in sight - that was Booth’s motivation. He wasn’t against Lincoln’s policy, he just thought he was a jerk! Of course the indomitable Denzel Washington, great to have him here tonight. Denzel is the predominant race educator of our times. In 1992 as Malcolm X he taught us that success by any means necessary is still success, and in 2001 he taught us that King Kong was actually a large black man, not an ape. Well, he’s at it again this year with Flight, showing us that even when a black guy saves a hundred lives, it’s only after he shows up late and unprepared for work. And hey, what do you know? That brings us to our first award of the night. Here to present the award for Best Adapted Screenplay is James Franco in a dress. I haven’t seen someone this comfortable in the opposite sex’s clothes since...James Franco hosted the Oscars last year.


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page 13

Losing Faith in Your Major

TBS staff wrote this

It was bound to happen. Sure, when you first came here to Clemson you were full of hope, excitement and passion. The world was new, the possibilities were endless, and life was beautiful. As freshmen we all thought that college was where we were supposed to change our lives, explore new horizons and finally find ourselves in our passions. Or at least wasn’t that what our guidance counselors and endless Clemson promo pamphlets promised us? Oh, to be that young again! But of course, now we know better. After years of all-nighters, crushing student-loan debt and crippling alcoholism, we should’ve all realized by now that we’ve been fooled. We’re no smarter, no wiser and certainly no more self-actualized then we were when we left high school as dipshit teenagers. Besides memorizing the daily drink specials at Wingin’ It, what have you really learned while wasting away here in Tiger Town? We’re about to enter the real-world, kids, and what do you have to show for it? Unless you had the foresight to take engineering classes, you’re probably just now realizing that your major… is almost completely and utterly worthless. The truth can hurt sometimes, and The Black Sheep knows this better than anyone. But before we shelve our textbooks and get in line for unemployment, let’s revisit our long-dead hopes and aspirations, shall we? Remember when you were a high school stoner and you had all those, like, totally deep conversations with your friends? Oh simpler times! But as $7,000 a semester has taught you… you’re just not that deep when forced to be serious. Turns out debating objective reality and the Hegelian dialectic honestly isn’t that fun while sober. And even if you were smart enough to be a serious philosophy student, what does it matter? Maybe if you weren’t high when you declared your

major we wouldn’t have this real-life intellectual quandary. Or maybe instead you majored in art, in which case we’re guessing you were planning on trying to score some of that sweet federal grant money to finance your chronic slackerdom. With the national debt spiraling out of control you can naturally expect that to go out the window. But your parents always did gush all over your finger painting when you were seven… maybe they’ll buy your art? The fridge at home has been pretty bare since you’ve left for college. Perhaps you, like many of us, weren’t into that pansy-hippie shit. Instead, maybe you actually wanted change the world in a real, substantive way. Good job, comrade - us too! Political science, however, ended up posing the quintessential catch-22. To enter modern politics in 2013, you have to earn a degree. Fine. But to get the degree, you have to go to college -- and between the wasted Facebook photos and the handful of public intoxication arrests you’ve ended up making yourself totally unelectable to Middle America. Remember when Clinton got into trouble for smoking weed? Sure enough, your West Wing career was over before it even began. If they only knew what the kids are doing nowadays… Of course, liberal arts majors aren’t the only ones left screwed-over on graduation day. There’s library sciences, which would be fine if the internet never happened. And then you have your anthropologists, which we always assumed were kids who just burned through the Indiana Jones franchise too many times. But then maybe we’re being too harsh, won’t it be the anthropologists who dig up our bones long after the rest of us die away from starvation and chronic unemployment with our worthless majors? If we were all a bit smarter, we would’ve changed our majors long

FRIDAY IS LADIE’S NIGHT!

ago. Journalism majors would’ve realized that there’s no money in print and that real-world careers are in marketing and advertising now. Mathematics majors, unless eager to start a soul-crushing teaching career in local public school, would’ve begun taking finance courses. Psychologists become social workers and parole officers; historians just become homeless. But of course we’re not that smart. We were, after all, duped into getting these worthless degrees in the first place -- unless your smartass went into medicine or law like your parents told you to do. So let’s have a toast to our failed dreams and empty futures! And god bless us for harboring such naive ambitions, if it wasn’t for us half of these professors would be in the same unemployment line with the rest of us soon-to-be graduates! But let us not lament too long. The Social Security office closes at five.

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the crossword: wild animals Across 3) You and this animal sleep up to 14 hours a day, makes sense that we’re pseudo related. 7) This king can grow to 5.5 meters. 8) They only ever have perfect, identical quadruplets. 9) Just like your stoner roommate, this eats all types of food. 10) Keeps you on pins and needles. 11) A seven deadly sin, and you on Sunday. 12) All of these bears are left-handed. 13) A herd of these are called a “blessing,” and they truly are one.

15) U. Wisconsin mascot. 18) Drunk sailors once thought these were mermaids. 19) No, man, you’re not tripping; these animals have rectangular pupils. 20) These guys walk on their knuckles to protect their long claws. Down 1) Is it black with white stripes, or white with black stripes?! 2) Rudolph’s favorite fruit. 4) Girls will be a sexy this on Halloween. 5) Hay, why the long face? 6) Their skin is protected by pink sweat, which isn’t a line of Victoria’s Secret clothes. 11) A tomato-juice bath usually doesn’t even get rid of this animal’s smell. 14) 40+ hot woman. 16) Cartman’s vigilante character, the real name. 17) A big ole’ saltwater cow.

Meet The Staff campus manager Molly Griffin Advertising Managers Emily Weatherbee Writers Dustin Bertelsen, Mary Stewart Bailey Cartoonist Andreas Aristides distribution manager Cathryn Medlin Social media manager Lauren White marketing manager Mary Stewart Bailey pr/Marketing TEAM Zach Adamo, Mary Stewart Bailey Ewelina Wiacek

Find Us At...

campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Molly Griffin, Matthew Clayton, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com

Top of the Tavern Subway Backstreets Pub Firehouse Nicks Tavern Brioso Overtime 356 Pepinos Pita Pit Moes Todaro Little Ceasers Wingin It Grouchos Loose Change Burger Joint TD’s The Bronze Tiger Triple T’s Sloan Street Tap Senn’s Flowers on Sloan Room

Esso Jersey Mikes Tiger Properties Student Union El Jimadore Ultratan Columbos Pizza Hendrix Student Hair South Center Monterreys Croc’s Clemson Brackett Hall Hudson Bagel MH Frank The Shoeboxes Mojo Coffee Blue Berry Frog Fike Recreation Tony’s Pizza Woodstone Pita Center Beef O’ Bradys Osaka The Horseshoe Off the Vine Hibachi Grill Dorms Bojangles Cookout Harcombe Dining Friars Tavern Fuji Hall Waffle House Mellow Mushroom

Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.

Shilletter Dining Hall Sirrine Study Room Cooper Library University Village Chimney Ridge Crawford The Woodlands The Retreat GREEK HOUSES & MORE!

Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Ave. Suite 1 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747


Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Spouse: - Daniel Tosh - Danielle Fishel - Danny Brown - Danielle Staub

Wedding Ceremony: - On the Brooklyn Bridge - Top of the Burj Khalifa - Inside the Spaceship Earth at Epcot - Base of the Eiffel Tower

Best Wedding Gift: - Jet Ski - Jet Pack - A Jet - Jethro Tull

Best Man: - Bill Clinton - BIll Nye - Bill Murray - Billy Bob Thornton

Celebrity Performer: - Justin Bieber - Jay-Z - Justin Timberlake - Ja Rule

Honeymoon Adventure: - Hot air ballooning around the world - Graffiting the Great Barrier Reef - Saving kittens in Romania - Skydiving from space

Maid of Honor: - Jessica Simpson - Jessica Rabbit - Jessica Lange - Jessica Biel

Wedding Chef: - Giada De Laurentiis - Paula Deen - Martha Stewart - Bobby Flay

embarrassing demise: - Suffocation at sushi-eating contest - Brain damage from Slip ‘N Slide - Stroke from doing the “Single Ladies” dance - Carpal tunnel from too much Twitter

Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.

go tigers!

go tigers!

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