The Black Sheep
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Vol. 3, Issue 3
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/19/13 - 10/2/13
Freshman Survives Family Weekend
BY: dan collins Despite an onslaught of obstacles, Ryan Gilroy, a Clemson freshman, was able to masterfully navigate his way through Family Weekend without his parents realizing that he’s rapidly turning into an alcoholic. The barrage of potential problems began before his parents even arrived in Clemson. Bored on their 9-hour drive from Virginia, the Gilroys reportedly called Ryan “like 15 times” between the hours of 9a.m. and 2p.m. that Friday to discuss plans for the weekend. However, none of these calls were answered, as Gilroy slept off last night’s debauchery until 3:30 p.m. These nights (and the mornings after) had begun to feel routine in Gilroy’s life, mostly as a result of some upperclassmen who took immense pleasure in stuffing drinks down young Gilroy’s throat until he blew chucks all over the side of their house. When Gilroy finally woke up and saw the plethora of missed calls from his parents, he knew the only way to save himself from guilt and punishment was to lie to them, so he opted to tell them he had been in class all morning. While Gilroy knew going to class on Friday wouldn’t sound believable to any college student, he thought his parents would buy it. In reality, Gilroy had been dropped from all his Friday classes, as his professors assumed he had dropped out of school. This was only the first in a string of lies that would continue over the course of the weekend. Gilroy had thought (stupidly) that the rest of the weekend would go off without any other close calls, but this notion was instantly contradicted. While he was waiting at Tillman for his parents to pick him up for an early dinner, he was approached by three people who seemed to know him, but who he had no recollection of ever meeting. He was in the midst of a terribly awkward conversation with his three mysterious “friends”
when his parents pulled up in their Dodge Caravan. While their arrival did allow him to get out of the train wreck of a conversation, his parents wanted to know who the three gentlemen were. Luckily, they had just left, allowing Gilroy to create fake names for each of them. His parents seemed suspicious that his three friends were named Alvin, Simon, and Theodore, but they had no reason to believe he was lying about the “classmates in a study group” he had created. While the rest of the night went off without a hitch, with a new day came new challenges. Unbeknownst to Gilroy, his parents had arranged to tailgate the football game with another family who lived in the same area of Virginia and who had a daughter at Clemson the same age as him. While this would normally have been fine, if even desirable, Gilroy and the aforementioned daughter had shared a one-night stand a couple of weeks before. They had not talked since that night, and Gilroy knew he was in for an incredibly awkward confrontation if they made company. However, when he arrived, his one-night lover was not there because of a “sorority thing” but would arrive later, meaning he would have to find a way to leave before she arrived. Que the lie: Gilroy, pretending to receive a phone call from a friend, informed his parents that he was sorry but he had been invited to tailgate with the cross country club, of which he was a member, and he had to leave if he wanted to make a good impression on the other runners. In reality, he had gone to one crosscountry practice before realizing an embarrassingly short distance into the run that he hated running, puked on the side of the trail, and snuck away never to return. Regardless, the lie got Gilroy away from the tailgate so that he would not have to see his former one night stand indefinitely. Throughout the rest of the day, Gilroy employed even
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more lies, each one more uninspiring than the last, to ensure that he would not see his parents the rest of the day. This allowed him to enjoy a great Clemson game day, complete with a blowout win over South Carolina State and a drunken hookup, neither of which Gilroy remembered the following day. While his parents were slightly disappointed they were unable to see him as much as they would have liked, Gilroy had
concealed from them his fall from promising engineer to future degenerate, at least for the time being. Or so he thought. Gilroy’s father allegedly expressed concern for his son, saying, “If that kid graduates from here, it’ll be a goddamn miracle. He continuously lied to us, he smelled like a drifter with a key to the town brewery all weekend, and I think he even snuck off to do a line of coke at one point on Saturday… Damn I miss college.”
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page 13
Hook up, Date Down
Friday Morning’s Are Tacky and I hate them
A romantical guide for the lovely ladies of Clemson.
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What’s worse than a mip and a walk of shame combined? You guessed it.