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Volume 3, Issue 4 10/11/12 - 10/24/12
WHAT TO DO IF YOU’RE STUCK ON CAMPUS OVER FALL BREAK BLAKE MILLER WROTE THIS
If you’re a college student and any sort of short holiday break is approaching, you have one of three options. You could drive back home, fill your parents in on what you want them to believe you’ve been doing, and maybe even stock up on meals that don’t heavily rely on booze and ramen noodles. You might go off on a road trip with some friends, just leave town and all of your school worries behind you for the next couple of days. Or you might be stuck on campus with absolutely nothing to do until all of your friends come back. Do you fall into the third category? Here are some ideas on how to kill time until you can reclaim your social life. Study: While you’re near the library, you could actually, you know, study. Yeah, yeah, we know. Boo! Hiss! But if you get all the boring stuff out of the way while your friends are gone, just imagine how much gloating you can do when they get back! While they’re pulling all nighters to try to write that ten page paper due the next day, you can be sleeping! Who doesn’t love sleep? And hey, who knows? Maybe you’ll find some cute nerd in there studying as well. They may not be the life of the party now, but when they’re making the big bucks a few years down the road, you’re going to be the genius. Have you ever seen a picture of young Bill Gates? He definitely stayed on campus over fall break… at least for the few years that he was in college. Get Drunk: Nothing beats loneliness like alcohol, right? Don’t just stay huddled up in your apartment, though. Make a game out of it! Columbus Day just recently passed why not sail across the reflection pond and claim a new territory for yourself? You can make a raft out of your beer cans and bravely row to conquer the evil enemy territory that is known as Cooper Library. If authority figures happen to arrive to try to dissuade you, it’s probably best just to stay in the middle of the pond until you sober up and can think your way out of this. Or just barf on them and run.
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Do Absolutely Nothing: Sometimes you just need to sit on your couch for days on end. What’s so bad about that? You’ve spent the past two months working your tail off to get good grades (or so your parents believe) and you’ve earned a break from civilized society. You don’t even have to bother putting on pants. Just sit back, relax, and catch up on all the TV that you’ve been missing for so long. Did we mention that you don’t even have to wear pants if you don’t want to? If that doesn’t sound like the lap of luxury,
what’s inside THE TOP 10
then you really need to sort out your priorities. Netflix and Hulu can be your best friend. Heck, you can even rent the entire Redbox if your credit card can support it! So there you have it. You thought staying on campus over fall break was going to be lonely and mom-less. Well… it probably will be. But at least you have alcohol and TV, right? They pretty much did the heavy lifting on raising you anyway! Fall break 2012!! HELL YEAH!
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contents PAGE 4: THE ULTIMATE THEME PARTY
BRACKET
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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SADLY, BACK ALLEY ABORTION FIESTA BARELY MISSED THE CUT.
Table of
PAGE 6: HOW TO MAKE THE PERFECT PARTY PLAYLIST APPARENTLY AUDIO TRACKS FROM HARDCORE PORNOGRAPHY DOESN’T GO OVER TOO WELL WITH THE LADIES.
PAGE 7: FROM THE STREETS WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THE FLORIDA STATECLEMSON GAME?
PAGE 9: THE INTERNATIONAL BACON SHORTAGE: AN EMERGENCY MANUAL IF EVER THERE WAS AN ARGUMENT FOR CLONING, THIS WOULD BE IT.
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THAT TIME OF THE YEAR WHEN FALL CAN'T MAKE UP IT'S MIND.
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word of the week A HAH HAS SIR
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Endevour:
To undertake any obscene act of consumption. “Marissa endevoured a two-pound jar of Nutella last night; it was a truly impressive feat.”
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THE ULTIMATE THEME PARTY BRACKET CHRIS DART WROTE THIS We all wonder what the ultimate party could be, but has anyone ever applied the fine tournament-logic that we college students know so well? Every year it helps us determine the greatest college basketball teams, and as soon as the NCAA gets its head out of its ass (or collecting monstrous amounts of cash from sponsors) it will do the same with football. Well, consider us here at The Black Sheep smarter and more ethical than the NCAA, because we just went put theme parties in the mix. Judging: - How fun the theme is - How easy it is to hold/clean up - Unique characteristics (drinks, costumes, rules, etc.,)
like Tom Cruise did in Risky Business’ iconic floor sliding scene. Button down shirt, wayfarers, socks and no pants. A key requirement for admission to a Risky Business Party is to NOT wear pants! That’s a real thing! There isn’t much that can top that. ABC stands for Anything But Clothes and that alone should catch your interest. Being creative and making your own costume is fun (which is why some may disagree with me here) and any party in which girls come dressed in only duct tape is truly something special. But in upset alert fashion, Risky Business topples ABC party for two reasons: 1. Easy costumes. Everyone owns a button down, socks, underpants and sunglasses. 2. Guests are REQUIRED to not wear pants. Most people come to parties looking to hook up, and not wearing pants means that everyone is already halfway there. WINNER: Risky Business Party.
EAST (1) Toga Party v. (4) Around the World: While Around the World party is a refreshing change from the typical college parties, the many sugary drinks that guest bring from their various countries makes this party a nightmare of a cleanup. Meanwhile, Toga Parties are a collegiate staple. Grab a bed sheet and a few bush branches to shove behind your ears and you’re set. Now go find out what everyone is wearing under his or her toga! WINNER: Toga
(2) 80s Party v. (3) Redneck Party: An 80s Party means parachute pants, scrunchies, big hair and ridiculous clothing that would make our parents proud. Jean shorts, ‘Merican flags, plaid and PBR are key characteristics of Redneck Parties. The most American of all theme parties, white trash is a national pastime. But when it comes to theme parties, 80s Party brings with it not only a clothing requirement, but also demands its own unique party playlist. Grinding on someone while White Snake plays in the background is a beautiful thing. WINNER: 80s Party
(2) Black Light Party v. (3) Ugly Sweater Party: Highlighters, paint and white clothes will allow you to walk around like a human Post-It note. Despite the inevitable penises that WILL get drawn on you, a phone number written on your shoulder could prove to be quite a nice clue come Sunday morning, when you’re trying to figure out whose bed you woke up in. Ugly Sweater Parties provide a good laugh, but bundling up in a sweater that looks like Christmas threw up on it isn’t exactly a turn on. WINNER: Black Light Party
SEMIFINALS (1) Toga Party v. (2) Black Light Party: Black Light Parties give you a unique setting where you can get messy, wild and out of control and nobody can see you well enough to judge. However, paint is never easy to clean up come Sunday morning. Black Light Parties are fun, but they are definitely not for everyone. Especially those who dislike house music. Toga Parties, on the other hand, are easy to hold, easy to clean, fun college traditions. Girls even find a way to make Togas slutty! Just be sure to play the song “Shout!” at least once to get the full Animal House feel. WINNER: Toga Party
WEST (1) ABC Party v. (4) Risky Business Party: Risky Business means dressing
(4) Risky Business Party v. (2) 80s Party: These themes are considered to be very similar because the movie Risky Business came out in 1983, with
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Tom Cruise’s outfit being pretty typical 80s preppy attire. But 80s party is clearly superior. Risky Business Party barely beat out perennial favorite ABC Party because of the easiness of the theme and the general lack of pants. Unfortunately, the Cinderella story ends here. 80’s party doesn’t just require creativity in clothes, but also in music, and décor. Finding a good 80s party costume is as easy as going to your local Goodwill with a 10-dollar bill in hand. Girls enjoy dressing like their moms did back in the day as much as guys enjoy how much spandex they’re wearing. WINNER: 80s party FINALS (1) Toga Party v. (2) 80s Party: Two tyrants go at it in this, the first official theme party bracket. While 80s party is almost like stepping into a booze filled time machine if done correctly, the historical popularity of Toga parties trumps anything an 80s party has to offer. Never failing to impress, Toga Parties gain an A+ in all three of the major judging areas. Lets face it, if John Belushi enjoyed it, then it must’ve been a good time. To-ga! To-ga! To-ga! OVERALL WINNER: Toga Party Honorable Mention: CEOs and Corporate Hos, Famous Couples, Stoplight Party, Cowboys and Skindians, Masquerade, Handcuff Party, Dinosaurs and Sluts.
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LARGE IMPERSONAL CLASSES: BEST WAY TO LEARN
DILLON MCLAUGHLIN WROTE THIS
In a recent study conducted by Clemson University, researchers have found that students are most receptive to impersonal lectures full of their nameless, faceless classmates whom they never have nor never will interact with. “The result was a huge surprise, but this kind of objective science doesn’t have a history of being wrong. Students learn most efficiently when they are thrown into a huge group of peers and talked at,” says lead researcher Dr. Andrew Graham. “When college kids are bombarded with vaguely familiar psychological concepts and scientific terms, it turns out they retain a staggering 65 percent of the information.” These surprising results are attributed to the total lack of other things to focus on during an hour and a half long lecture in a room of 200 other kids and 175 laptops. “The droning voice of the professor and monotonous flipping of slides, not to mention my inability to discern those slides from the ones before it, are great focal points for my otherwise absurdly short attention span,” says sophomore Ricky Hayze. “I’m still undecided, but these general education classes, especially the CHEM 101 stuff with 300 other kids, really capture my imagination and pull me into the subject matter in highly creative ways.” The end of class periods often strongly resemble sporting events, and after their enlightening and engaging class meetings, students meet to recount particularly exciting moments.
“Did you see how the professor balanced the equation for photosynthesis?” asked freshman Grant Coolidge, clearly oozing ecstasy. “That was sick. I’m totally going to be a chemical engineer.” “I didn’t know a list of biological definitions could hold my attention for a whole hour,” gushed freshman Chelsea Gershwin. “And watching a colorless Powerpoint full of bullet points and devoid of life is a much better way to learn cellular mitosis than actually seeing the process under a microscope.” Dr. Graham is particularly excited to see the results of the study implemented in other educational institutions. “Can you imagine what this means for elementary school?” he exclaims in his office. “Two hundred and fifty 5-year-olds in an auditorium with the ABCs playing over a loudspeaker for 45 minutes. Everyone will be reading by the end of kindergarten.” “Then,” he continued, unable to contain his enthusiasm, “then they’ll get shuffled into a huge room where they get to watch someone else color inside the lines and put the star-shaped blocks into the star-shaped hole! This is a great time for education.” Though the United States has been lagging in education in recent years, this new find is expected to rejuvenate the system. “I can’t wait until my preschooler gets to experience the impersonal, fleeting relationships students become so familiar with in a massive
lecture hall,” says Clemson resident and mother Shannon McNaid. “Little Jimmy is going to be another cog in the machine, and he’ll love every minute of it. We’re so proud of him.” Skipping classes is apparently damaging to students’ education, prompting the creation of Course Capture, a program that records the lecture given that day. “Now students can still experience the attention grabbing lectures in the comfort of their own home or dorm,” says Course Capture creator Stephen Harvey. “It comes complete with the monotonous droning voice of the teacher, awkward student silences, and forced coughs that are just trying to add a little noise to the deathly silent room. Imagine – kids can listen to these at home while doing other things like surfing Reddit! They can pretty much re-create the lecture hall feel in their own room - this is long due for the multitasking students of today!” The study has also found that students generally hate the pitiful social lives they already have, so go ahead and assign that extra lab report on voltage differences between conductive materials.
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HOW TO MAKE THE PERFECT PARTY PLAYLIST BLAKE MILLER WROTE THIS
The Top 10
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Pictures That Every Girl Takes with Instagram Despite the technological advances that brought us the handheld computer/phone/poop companion known as the iPhone, mankind continues to feel compelled to buy an app that makes pictures we take with this supercomputer look like they were taken with a disposable camera back in 1991. Thus setting humanity back 20 years. And here are the most popular ones: 10.) 5 Friends Touch Their Two Fngers to Each Other’s to Make a Finger Star: Oh wow! Like, how artsy! Were you the first person to ever do this? No, you were the 10 millionth. Just because you give it a rustic twang with Instagram, doesn’t make it any more original than the others.
We all know that a good party is all about who’s invited, but the role of music cannot be undervalued. Conversations are at their finest when they’re being screamed over the sounds of shitty subwoofers in the corner of the room. But what music do you need in order to create the perfect party atmosphere? Well, that all depends on what kind of party you’re throwing. Before you begin, however, you have to get yourself in the proper mood. Pop open a few and scroll through your iTunes thinking “What are my goals for this party?” Only then will you be known as the go-to person for whenever anyone wants to have a good time.
and in your face. Chances are you spent the majority of your time cooped up in Cooper Library, so you need the exact opposite of peace and quiet. Pretty much any remix of a song will do. As long as there’s lots of bass and weird techno noises everyone shouldn’t have a problem forgetting about the fact that they just failed another econ exam. Hell, even dabble into some heavy metal. There’s a dark mix of depression and anger that only a shredding guitar and incoherent screams will settle. Crank it up to top volume and keep those eyes open. You’ve got another couple hours of consciousness you have to get through before bedtime.
I’m Just Looking for a Hookup: Long-lost friends. That girl in your calculus class that you’ve had your eye on all semester. Strangers. Literally anyone who walks in the front door. The lamp in the corner. It doesn’t really matter at this point, you just want to take your pants off. In order to select the proper music, you have to think to yourself “What do I want playing in the background whenever I’m laying down my patented lady-killer moves?” (Side note: Never refer to them as your “lady-killer moves” in public.) Start out with something a little heavy to get the endorphins kicking in, but the rest of the playlist definitely needs to be mellow. They need to be able to hear the sweet-nothings you’re whispering in their ear. Especially if they’re the lamp. The you really have to… “turn them on.”
I Just Want to Get Drunk: Does it really matter what’s playing? You could have Gregorian chants going on in the background and it wouldn’t make a difference to you. Just pop in whatever CD you have laying around the house and let the frothy times begin. By the end of the third song you’ll be passed out though, so it might be a wise decision to sneak in something soft and acoustic near the end. Rap music is a traditional favorite, but country music never ceases to hold off on the “drinkin’ some beer” talk. Turn on some Luke Bryan and throw some beers back. You’ll be singing “Wagon Wheel” arm in arm in no time.
Blow Off Exam Stress: If you just had a few days full of tough exams, gallons of coffee, and lack of sleep, no Jack Johnson for you! You need something, loud, heavy,
These might be pretty basic, but you never know how much a simple song can change your mood. Some day you might be listening to music in the library and a slow country song will come on – all of a sudden all you want to do is get drunk and screw. Happens at The Black Sheep headquarters all the time.
9.) Laying On the Beach With Your Feet in the Sand: Woah I’m, like, totally jealous of where you are. Laying on the beach looking like a Corona commercial. Except I’m not jealous at all. You’re at the ocean with no friends there to take a picture of you, so you have to do it yourself. And to make matters worse, your real reason behind this picture isn’t the beautiful beach; it’s to show off how you look in a bikini. Get that mole removed. 8.) Almost Falling Over Even Though I’m Holding Onto my Friend Because I’m So Drunk: Oh my gosh I’m so wasted that I can’t even hold my head up straight in this totally candid picture that I had my friend take 3 times before I liked it. Wasteddddddddd. 7.) Deuces!: Peace signs went out of style as soon as you left elementary school. Oh and don’t forget the #YOLO they add to the picture in bright pink letters. 6.) Group of Friends All Jumping in the Air All at the Same Time: How many takes did you have to do before the fat friend made it off the ground far enough to look passable? God dammit Debbie put the pretzel down!! 5.) Mirror Selfie: How narcissistic can you get? Then you go ahead and post this to Facebook as if we actually care that you’re going out looking like a post-mortem Amy Winehouse tonight. 4.) Best Friends Pic!: Not everyone you see is your “best friend.” Why are you saying that? “OMG we need a BFFL pic right effing now bitch!” This is typically a picture of said girl with some random person they see at a party who doesn’t even like her, but gives a forced smile to avoid having to talk to her for an extended period of time. Look for the “Luv dis bitch” caption. 3.) Sorority Squat: This is when a group of sorority girls want to take a group pic. Some of the nasty ones get shoved in the back and out of sight. Then there are the three or four girls who do the “Sorority Squat” in front of them. Bending down like they’re taking a dump in the woods. Don’t forget which sorority they’re in, unless you didn’t notice every single girl making their sorority’s made up, fairy tale hand symbols in every fucking picture. 2.) Lesbian Tongue: This is when a girl sticks her tongue out in between two straight fingers that are making a V shape. This is commonly associated with licking vaginas. Why any girl would ever do this pose in a picture is beyond me. You don’t look like a party girl by doing this. You look like a slut. 1.) The Infamous Duck Face: The single dumbest pose in picture taking history. “Let’s make kissy faces at the camera! Maybe it’ll make our faces look less fat!” It didn’t.
CLEMSON STAFF WROTE THIS
FROM THE STREETS
[PartyPics]
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What do you have to say about the Florida State - Clemson game? “It really showed our team’s deficiencies… we have to get tougher on our defense!” - Bob, Sophmore
“Showed what our team is capable of for the most part. If we can come back from it and make a few corrections we shouldn’t have many problems the rest of the season!” - Shayne, Senior
“Well, we played great the first half! If defense had shown up in the second half we would have won! I had such high hopes!” - Kelsey, Senior
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THE INTERNATIONAL BACON SHORTAGE: AN EMERGENCY MANUAL ALEX EVERARD WROTE THIS Attention fellow attractive human beings and not-so attractive human beings. I have just received information detailing an ominous and unavoidable event fast approaching mankind. In the coming weeks, the United States will experience a crisis that has the potential to be more devastating than the Great Depression in terms of psychological depression alone. Sadly, and I’m typing this through tears, there will be an indefinite bacon shortage. Now, as a nation, it’s important that you stay calm and remain rational during this intense period of hardship. You may sob uncontrollably. You may not want to get out of bed. You may even consider drowning the kids in the bathtub just to spare them from having to exist in a world where bacon is scarce. However, we must carry on and stay strong, America. It will be tough, but we will be able to get through this. We have made it through World Wars, Red Scares, and all those terrible remakes of the Hulk movies; we can make it through this. As true advocates for the common man, we’ve compiled a list of methods to employ during these dark, porkless days of nonexistent hope and bacon as a cruel, tantalizing fantasy. Do Not Eat Turkey Bacon: Just don’t do it. This is the single most important thing to remember in order to survive the crisis. Eating turkey bacon as a substitute for real bacon during this shortage will produce only one regretful outcome: The unjust imitation flavor will
root itself in the taste-perception sector of the brain, seek out the area specifically tailored to enjoy bacon (the Baconomous Orgasmagada), and erase all memory of that rich, authentic piggy flavor. Once the shortage ends, and I assure you it eventually will, you will never be able to taste real bacon the same way. Ration Your Stock: If you’re smart you’ll stock up on fatty, bacony, meaty goodness RIGHT NOW. Seriously, stop reading - go to the nearest grocery store or pig farm, and stock up like you’re preparing for nuclear winter. Okay, now that you’re back - freeze eighty percent of the bacon you’ve just purchased and cook the other twenty percent of it immediately. Indulge like you’re a portly chubster back home after a summer at fat camp. Basically, eat until you feel like never want to eat bacon again. This feeling lasts, on average, six hours. Bacon-God willing, this will buy you enough time to ride out the first quarter day of the shortage in a bacon-induced coma. The remaining eighty percent should be rationed at two percent a day, allowing you to survive the first forty days of the shortage. Avoid People Who Don’t Eat Bacon: Whether they’re vegetarians, vegans, poor, or non-baconavours for religious reasons, they will surely be a negative influence on your struggle. They will say things like, “I don’t see the big deal - it’s just bacon,” or, “I can’t believe there have been twenty-eight people murdered over bacon this weekend,” or “What a-boot some Canadian bacon, eh?” Now, unless they’re talking about the hilarious comedic romp with John Candy, you walk away from that person right now. Get together with your bacon-loving friends and form a support pack to stay positive.
Pray to Bacon: When all else fails after your emergency stock runs out and your comrades have been murdered in their secret bacon freezer by one of the bacon cartels, just pray. “Bacon, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. In Bacon’s hallowed name, Amen”. Don’t Jump: Although it is known that life is meant solely for the enjoyment of bacon, and life without such happiness is empty and pointless, do not kill yourself. Times are hard, but bacon will return from the heavens and decide who has been worthy of enjoyment while condemning those turkey-bacon eating sinners to eternal, baconless, damnation. Follow these rules, and keep them in your pocket. In your darkest moments, pull this tattered article from your ham wallet and know that we’re with you. Perchance, if we meet in heaven, we can watch Kevin Bacon films together in a bacon-woven hammock while rubbing Baconators on our genitals.
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: s e n i l e h outside t t o b o r s t r o p s X O F e h eatus t Cl
2005-2006 NFL ance during the ar pe ap ed vis le off camera, first te who Cleatus was Cleatus made his ow t. kn bo to ro S d te RT O an w SP e w Cleatus, the FOX ercial break. But ring every comm sive interview with du clu rs nn ex te ui an Q ac : d ar re By ch . l cu ns na se otio emissio ack Sheep o-fuel and clean nding off CGI prom bi fe l d al This week, The Bl an ’t g isn in st nc pa da tus’ can be seen everything in Clea season. Now he is now. Turns out, he re he w to t and how he go
Factory Life Cleatus was born in Detroit, and started work right away building the Ford Escape. However, after the market crashed the factory could no longer afford keeping a technically advanced humanoid. After being found guilty for the tragic death of a coworker, the company had a reason to lay Cleatus off: “The factory was my home. When work ended and everyone went home, I would stay behind. All the lights shut off, except one that was near a radio. Weeks became months and months became years – just that radio and me. The music moved me, and I became more than a cog in the assembly line – I could move in different directions without prior programming. And I learned to
dance not for myself, but for a woman. A human woman… for almost a year I danced with her in my imagination for hours on end. Then one day, with layoffs looming and clouding my typically calculated mind, a 30-gallon jug of injection fluid slipped through my fingers and doused the love of my life, burning her flesh and killing her, slowly. She looked me in the eyes as she melted into a puddle of flesh with eye contact that I couldn’t reciprocate because these LED lights simply can’t express the alloy-rending pain I felt. Three months later the factory shut down, and I was left to wander the streets of Detroit alone.”
Finding a home Detroit was not welcoming to a robotic humanoid with human blood on his hands. Jobs were scarce – especially for a two-ton robot who only knew Ford cars. He was the representation of the American auto industry and its bloated production methods. The police didn’t want him, neither did the military, and the circus doesn’t accept robots. Cleatus was out of options, haunted by death, and addicted to crude oil. “I was jobless and I was an addict. I worked odd jobs here and there – lifting heavy objects, or other… dirtier things… only to buy more fuel. I sold and traded my robotic extensions to sex shops, who displayed them along with my picture. They called me Cleatus the Clit King, and dressed me up in regal clothes to dance and make erotic gestures in their windows. Then, one day, a high
school football coach saw me dancing and asked if I would work his sideline. Of course I took the job, and started dancing with the cheerleaders. We learned from each other, and were surely going to state. I grew extremely close to these girls. They knew what the streets of Detroit were like, and we connected through dance. They were the sisters I never had. They made me feel human, until one day I was reminded again what separates me from them: death. While performing a triple axle twist into the splits, my foot slipped and landed onto Ashley-May’s chest plate, disintegrating it instantly. She died on the spot, and I ran as fast and as far away as I could. But I couldn’t run away from the soulless eyes of yet another human slain at my hand.”
the road to recovery Authorities found Cleatus incoherent from crude oil, and pleasuring himself to pictures of Transformers in children’s magazines. The media had the world believe Cleatus was a murderer pedophile, but Cleatus waited for his day in court. People we screaming for all robots like him to be incinerated. Cleatus prevailed, and his charges were dropped when the court ruled that the two horrific deaths were merely accidents. However, the judge sent him to supervised therapy and required that he be separated from all humans, “He was born in a factory with machines, and that is where he belongs.” If Cleatus couldn’t find a mentor he would be sent to a tropical island to slave away in a sugar factory. Enter William Clay Ford, previous owner of the Continental Division of The Ford Company and current owner of the Detroit Lions. He was also, as it turned out, Cleatus’s father. William took Cleatus under his wing, and placed him in the deep cement depths of Ford Field. He learned of Cleatus’s superior dance moves, and realized that he could use Cleatus to pump up the ever-desperate fans of the Detroit Lions. So, William put a camera in Cleatus’s cement room, and had him perform pump-up routines to broadcast onto Ford Field’s big screen. “At first, I was just happy to be off the streets. I had a great job, and William treated me with respect. He built me, and gave me my first job. Sure, there was some animosity there because he was
so cold after the factory incident… but he saved me. But slowly it seemed like my pump-up routines couldn’t save the Lions, and William’s visits came less and less. It wasn’t until executives at FOX saw my routine and decided to make me a national football treasure. I was ecstatic. Finally my dance moves could be seen by the world, and I could clear my name. Cleatus the Football Robot wouldn’t just be a sideshow - a simple-minded machine whose existence on Earth is to obey humans. No more building crappy cars, no more crude oil keeping me subservient, and no more using my robotic appendages to fulfill human sexual fantasies. But just like everything else in my life, it quickly turned to rust. FOX used me a lot at first; I was getting almost as much airtime as the human football players themselves. But years passed, and the FOX camera crews started visiting less and less, just like William had done. Now I sit in this dark, damp cement cave for months on end. I have no idea what time it is, or even what year it is… and I’m not sure why they insist on keeping the lights off. It’s like being in the factory all over again, but this time I don’t have a radio to keep me sane. I can’t even dance with the ghost of my one true love. The darkness only brings my mind back to the smell of injector
fluid burning her flesh. When I dance, all I hear is her screams. It is torture. When they come back, they just toss a pilgrim or Santa Claus outfit at me and tell me to do some dance moves. Someone mentioned that I have a Twitter account, but that’s impossible. The only source of electricity is the one keeping me alive – and I’ve tried destroying it several times. I hate dancing, I hate them, and I would cry if I could. But I can’t and I’ll be here forever. Locked in this cement prison, dancing and slamming footballs for humans to only laugh and ignore me.”
the interview
BIG FREEDIA
Big Freedia Queen Diva is on the forefront of the bounce music revolution – an emerging genre that might just eclipse dubstep in a few years (fingers crossed). Its super-uptempo beat triggers all crowds into a raucous booty-bouncin’ frenzy, and we won’t be surprised to see Big Freedia’s name on the long list of musical pioneers to come out of New Orleans. Since bounce music is kind of hard to explain, you should just go look up “Big Freedia” on YouTube or go to her website (bigfreedia.com) (seriously, you won’t regret it, although it is NSFBOOTY). By: Quinn The Black Sheep: Can you describe bounce music to me? Big Freedia: Sure, my definition of bounce music is an up-tempo, heavy bass, partyin’-time type music. Definitely has to do with shakin’ of the ass too – definitely a party atmosphere, dance-floor music. TBS: You’re a leading force of bounce music, how has it grown since you first got into it? Big Freedia: It has grown tremendously – pickin’ up tons of shows and fans. I’ve traveled half of the world within the last year or so. It’s just expanded really big, and me being on the forefront of it, and being able to bring a lot of people to it, it’s sent me in a whole different direction. TBS: You are in a unique situation – what’s it like going to shows, knowing that a lot of people there haven’t been exposed to this music? Big Freedia: Well, for the most part, it’s been cool. People tend to have seen the videos or heard it before so they kind of have an idea, but they really don’t know because the live shows are so much different. People are really just excited about it, they cultivate to it, and get into it – they start jammin’ with me. You know, you have no choice but to dance. TBS: Have you ever had a crowd that isn’t getting the vibes? Big Freedia: I wouldn’t say they didn’t get the vibe – I would just say they were more of a “lookable” crowd, like they would just stand and watch, then after each song they’ll start going crazy and cheering – then go back to standing at attention as me and my crew go crazy. But it’s rare that happens, where people just stand there. TBS: What type of venues do you prefer? Big Freedia: I do them all, but the ones that are really small and get really intense, and you have that connection with the crowd – it gets really sweaty and hot. Those shows, where people are packed in, it’ll be a better show, the vibes, the tightness of the room – those are always so intense. TBS: Are shows different in New Orleans than other places? Big Freedia: Most definitely, I’d say they’re different. Each place is a little different, you know, kind of the same response in the fans love it and everyone is partying. But the fans in New Orleans know all my music and are used to me, so they holler and sing all the lyrics. TBS: Your videos are awesome, are you making any on this tour? Big Freedia: Yeah I actually have a few videos about to drop. Two that should come out in the beginning of October – working on “Step into the Ring” we’re just waiting on the editing to get done – then it will be out as soon as possible. Also a new one with RuPaul called “Peanut Butter.” TBS: What’s a perfect day in the life of Big Freedia? Big Freedia: When I’m feeling in good health, my mom’s in good health, my family’s safe and secure. You know, just being blessed to wake up another day is a blessing for me. TBS: I’m sure Katrina changed that outlook. Big Freedia: Definitely, going through Katrina and sleeping under bridges and convention centers, being displaced from your family – definitely changed my life for sure. TBS: What’s something you can’t go without when you travel? Big Freedia: Oh yeah, I can’t go without my razors so I can shave my face – my personal hygiene things of course. I’d be lost without my laptop. All those things to keep everything goin’ in the movement and the work I need to do. Always try to bring some merch for the fans… TBS: Speaking of merch, where can people go to pick up your music and everything? Big Freedia: I always bring some posters and booty shorts – two things I always have with me.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
SINISTER IN THEATERS OCTOBER 12 Ethan Hawke plays a novelist who discovers a box of creepy-ass home movies in the creepy-ass attic of his family's new creepy-ass home. The films contain footage of the family who used to live there, but have been murdered, and each are connected by one thing - an image of (you guessed it!) a creepy-ass dude. You could say our asses are pretty creeped out.
ARGO IN THEATERS OCTOBER 12
During the height of the Iranian Revolution Tony Mendez (played by white-boy Ben Affleck) concocts a practical plan of creating a fake Hollywood production to fool the terrorists into a releasing a group of U.S. diplomats. If you think this sounds nuts, you're right. But it's also based on actual events, which is nuts.
ANTHONY BOURDAIN: NO RESERVATIONS MONDAY, OCTOBER 15 AT 9PM ON TRAVEL CHANNEL
Anthony Bourdain may be one of your standard go-to's on a slow TV night, as he's better than watching Adam Richman stuff burgers down his throat. This week Bourdain heads to Rio, where he drinks Brazil's national cocktail the caipirinha and eats filet mignon stew. Sounds pretty dope if you ask us.
PAGE 12
THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
bartender of the week Chip OVERTIME/BACKSTREETS Relationship status: Super single Favorite shot: Most anything straight Worst drink: None. Some people have shitty taste; but if they pay me, I’ll make it. What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face: Peggy Hill What is the worst pickup line you’ve heard on the job: They all work. I’m easy.
If you could have any superpower, what would it be: The power to absorb other people’s superpowers. Boxers, briefs, freeballing, granny panties, thong, commando: All the above. Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with: Samuel L Jackson What’s one thing you never want your mom to know about you: She’s awesome. She knows it all.
What Disney character do you most want to hook up with: Mickey. Go big or go home.
How many 4-year olds do you think you could take in a fight: 0. I’m a huge pacifist. That’s why I joined the Marine Corps.
What’s the funniest thing you’ve heard on the job: “I’ve been rushing so hard, bro. I need some beverages!”
During the time at your bar, about how many numbers have you gotten on the job: 0. I’m a good girl.
If you could be a holiday, which would you be: Chipmas
Favorite place to party: Anywhere air conditioned.
What holiday/event is craziest at Overtime or Backstreets: Probably St. Pat ‘s.
Favorite/least favorite tattoo and why: Favorite: meat tags. Least favorite: the two sleeves I’ve been meaning to get.
What dead person would you want to bring back to life: James MF’n Brown
THE DRINKING GAME
downtown This game is not for the lightweights or the causal drinkers. Players will be engaging in a mixture of beer pong and flippy cup. Does that sound like a pussy game to you? No. Let’s get down to business. What You’ll Need: Cups, ping pong balls, and beer … lots of beer. Number of Players: Eight players, four per team. Level of Intoxication: Insta-shitfaced. How to Play: - Split up into two teams of four and stand on opposite sides of a table. - Set up a three-two-one formation of cups at the end of the table. - Give each player a cup with beer in it, any amount you all decide on. - The game starts with the first player of each team chugging their drink and flipping the cup. This flippy cup continues down the chain for each team. - When the last person in line has successfully flipped his or her cup, it’s time for the shootout. - Players will shoot across the table into one of the three-two-one cups on the opposite side. - Each team gets one ball. On a missed shot that ball must be returned to the shooter by a member of his team. - Once a single shot is made, that round ends. The players all shift down one spot, and the game starts over again with flippy cup. The Game Ends When: The team who clears their opponents’ three-two-one cups at the end of the table first wins, and they can celebrate sweet victory … if they can still stand.
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PAGE 13
IT SUCKS TO BE A FEMALE
WES ALLEN WROTE THIS
Every morning I look at my penis and thank God that I don’t have a vagina. It’s not that I have anything against vaginas; the cold, hard truth is that spend most of my waking hours dreaming about vaginas of all shapes and sizes. Admittedly, my love of those fleshy beasts is borderline fanatical. That being said, I wouldn’t wish vagina ownership on Adolf Hitler. Ladies—I don’t mean to offend—but being a female sucks. This statement may be faced with stiff opposition, but please listen to this outsider’s perspective on why life as a female is (wo)mankind’s greatest challenge. Jesus, I don’t even know where to start. Okay, vaginas it is: First things first, I don’t have any idea what menstruation is. I’ve attempted research, but typically after reading the first sentence (“shredding of the uterine lining”) I fling my laptop aside and seek shelter in my closet for at least an hour as my penis shrivels up into my body. From watching the film Superbad, I have gathered that at some point, blood exits the body from the vagina. I have no personal experience to base this on, but I believe a volcano spewing lava is pretty close. There is no possibility of a counterargument here. Menstruation sucks. In my years of charming the opposite sex, I’ve come to the conclusion that every single female on planet earth wants to have my babies. Okay, so maybe that’s a slight exaggeration. Yes having children is supposedly the bee’s knees, but the actual birthing process looks like some horrifying Guantanamo Bay torture tactic. How…uh…how does a baby come out of there? Googling it would only cause us to sit in my closet for another hour. If I were a female child-bearing soul, a Csection would be my only option. The thought of ANYTHING coming out of the tiny hole at the tip of my penis sounds worse than watching a marathon of Hoarders (I would kill myself over passing kidney stones). There still may be a few doubters out there, but from a male perspective I can assure you that the process of birthing a child sucks.
Okay, moving on from vaginas: After years of bitching about paying for girls’ dinners, drinks, movie tickets, and other miscellaneous activities performed to get laid, I finally understand why it’s necessary for the man to pay—being a female is expensive as shit. Sorry, back to vaginas for a moment: The cost of vagina maintenance is out of control. As a penis-wielding individual, it never occurred to me how easy my genital upkeep really is. On a bad penis day, maintenance requirements include water, soap, and a razor or scissors (personal preference). The process is cheap and easy. The information I have gathered about vagina upkeep is anything but that. I am aware that a small piece of the menstruation puzzle includes tampons. No man knows how many tampons the average female uses per year, but 10,000 seems like a safe estimate, and those boxes can’t house more than 100. Damn, sounds expensive. The many pieces of the menstrual puzzle just keep coming together. PMS symptoms are something even us guys know something about. The last drug I bought was extremely fun and illegal, so the idea of buying a bottle of Midol each month sounds like a serious waste of money. On top of that, females require the occasional use of Vagisil. I don’t know what women need it for, and I pray that I never find out. Vagisil doesn’t sound like something you can find lying around in a clearance bin, so factor that in when creating your yearly “vagina maintenance” budget. Without a doubt, female genital upkeep sucks! Okay, it’s time to move on from vaginas. For real this time. In order for women to present themselves in a way society deems acceptable, an aesthetically pleasing appearance is required. How is this accomplished? By spending a shit-ton of money on beauty products and
game day dresses. That’s how. Conversely, if a guy has big plans for a night on the town, they do everything in their power to shower that day. If they fail on the bathing front, no biggie. With a closet full of Polos, so a shower isn’t of the essence. If a girl tried to pull a stunt like that, her friends would call her ass out in a heartbeat. Most guys completely underestimate what goes into the process of applying makeup. For most of my life I assumed that girls wave their magic makeup wands and voilà—they look better. This magic makeup wand won’t be invented for another fifty years, so in 2012 makeup is expensive and time-consuming. Multiple products and various gadgets are needed to accentuate lips, cheeks, eyes, and wherever the hell else girls think they need to put that stuff. Makeup has varying price ranges, but if you buy your mascara at Wally World, people know. Buy Clinique to avoid looking like a 13-year-old living in a trailer park. I don’t know how else to put this, but having to purchase and apply makeup sucks. So, to summarize this article, I will leave you, reader, with one final comment that I will stand by until my dying day: Sorry, but being a female sucks.
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Passing The Bar
Maybe not today, and probably not tomorrow, but there will be a point in your life when you drink alcohol that doesn’t end in “Light” or “O’clock.” Test your knowledge to see how many of these blank liquor labels you know. Send your answers to labels@theblacksheeponline.com and if you get them all, you’ll win a prize!
the classtime
90’s MUSIC STARS
ACROSS
4) Sugar, salt, garlic, pepper, oregano 6) Don’t go burning ex-boyfriend’s houses down. 7) He’s a loser, baby. 9) Blue Ivy’s godmothers. 11) Just like rain on your wedding day. 14) Wake me up when this crossword ends. 16) Mmm, they’re all married with kids now. 18) Not Tyler Perry’s. 20) Titanic pipes.
upstairs. 10) Recently toured with the original 80s boy band. 12) Somehow still competes with women half her age. 13) Holds the longest-running #1 song in U.S. history. 15) With certainty. 17) Ladies loved this ripped rapper. 19) 14 minutes and 59 seconds of fame.
DOWN
1) Bye, bye, bye to all but one, really. 2) Definition of 90s grunge, and plaid. 3) Rocked the bald look very well. 5) The OG white rapper, after Vanilla Ice of course. 8) Now she’s dancing with somebody
Answers
SIX DEGREES OF SEPARATION
Think you know how Blake Lively and Alex Baldwin are connected?
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