Vol. 3, Issue 4
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
sup free. ..l e roo riorit ike th mm y yo e fe ate u g elin puk et w g o es i hen f nh i s b yo u r ed.
10/3/13 - 10/16/13
Female Student Strives to be Someone’s Crush BY: hashtagsrat CLEMSON, SC.—On a campus immersed in what responsible adults and naysayers refer to as a “hookup culture,” Elizabeth Milton, 19, feels that her actions were a logical, if extreme, extension of any girl’s quest for love in a hopeless place. After streaking onto Memorial Stadium’s field to accompany the Clemson band’s unwatched, but assuredly thrilling halftime show during the Homecoming football game against Wake Forest, the sophomore is seeking an appeal for her expulsion on the grounds of “lewd conduct,” citing the popular campus Twitter account @ClemsonCrushes as the motivation behind the stunt that now has her on the outside of the Clemson family looking in. Milton will readily admit that her stunt was at best mortifying, and at worst “mathlete-level social suicide.” However, after weeks of attempting to gain attention from a suitor on campus with no success, she feels that her misguided attempt at getting his attention wasn’t without cause or motivation. Clemson Crushes, which started tweeting the creepiest whims and wishes of TigerTown’s finest, has become the unspoken campus standard for attractiveness, as over 6,500 followers check daily to see if anyone is attracted to them enough to be creepily tweet about it. With vague, yet romantic overtures to “the girl in purple norts in Schilletter,” inviting her to “sit on [her crush’s] face,” many girls will admit off the record that they long to be verbally assaulted on the campus social media giant. Like many Clemson ladies, Milton’s Clemson Crush obsession started innocently enough; she simply decided to not look homeless for class each day, hoping that ditching the Chacos and putting in minimal effort to do her hair and makeup would have the boys lining up. However, after a week of dressing “class casual”
netted her no online attention, Milton started upping the ante. She took to eating bananas suggestively in Schilletter, hoping that the menfolk would appreciate her show of skills. However, aside from inspiring the Clemson Eats Bananas Twitter account, no one found it remarkable or attractive. She then tried sauntering, scantily clad, up and down Library Bridge, but was lost in the mass of tired, angry souls, going largely unnoticed. Feeling like perhaps everyday situations wouldn’t garner her the most attention, Milton took to various fraternity parties and bars to promote her Crush brand. She first found the exact underboob-laden outfit from Christina Aguilera’s “Dirrrty” video, securing it in a fierce bidding war on eBay, and then debuted it at karaoke night at TD’s, singing a raunchy at best, obscene at worst rendition of Xtina’s empowerment anthem. When her performance failed to even garner her a shot, she conducted a dancing tour of Clemson’s fraternity houses, managing to twerk on every stage, “support beam,” and bench she could find. Sunk into a financial hole and battling a nasty case of staph from one of the more questionable basements, Milton found herself hurtling towards true insanity at breakneck speed. She hit her breaking point over Homecoming Weekend, as she recalled the mass of tweets “crushing” the dank-ass ladies of the Champagne Dance Team from SC State from the last home game. Hoping that getting naked in front of 83,000 of her closest friends would finally net her the closure and crushing that she sought, Milton stripped down and ran onto the field, jumping right onto the float with all of the Homecoming candidates. One of the candidates recalled Milton’s
page 6
Top 10: Drinks You Thought of While Drunk
at the end of the day, vodka and Franzia is still vodka and Franzia, you lush.
ill-fated bid for love and affection as “Incredibly alarming.” She noted that “There was a sense of determination in that girls eyes that was absolutely terrifying. I honestly thing she would have resorted to pure blood sport if she thought that someone might find it sexy.” Even after publicly exposing herself, no one bothered to send in a crush for her, perhaps being put off by the fact that she had to be tazed four times by CUPD
before they could drag her off the field. In the wake of tragedy and humiliation, Milton hasn’t lost her sense of determination. The 19 year old is determined to take her appeal to the powers that be, on the grounds of wrongful dismissal due to mental unrest, extreme insecurity, and lack of invitation to have sex with a complete stranger.
page7
page 13
Clemson Endures Epidemic
Mass Suicides Following Conclusion of AMC Hit Shows
So many dead grandmas, so many missed classes, so... sad?
• Keep Up With Us! • @BlackSheep_CLEM • theblacksheeponline.com •
Jesse pinkman may have gotten to stay alive, but that doesn’t mean we want to.