Clemson - Issue 4 - 10/3/2013 by The Black Sheep

Vol. 3, Issue 4

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

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10/3/13 - 10/16/13

Female Student Strives to be Someone’s Crush BY: hashtagsrat CLEMSON, SC.—On a campus immersed in what responsible adults and naysayers refer to as a “hookup culture,” Elizabeth Milton, 19, feels that her actions were a logical, if extreme, extension of any girl’s quest for love in a hopeless place. After streaking onto Memorial Stadium’s field to accompany the Clemson band’s unwatched, but assuredly thrilling halftime show during the Homecoming football game against Wake Forest, the sophomore is seeking an appeal for her expulsion on the grounds of “lewd conduct,” citing the popular campus Twitter account @ClemsonCrushes as the motivation behind the stunt that now has her on the outside of the Clemson family looking in. Milton will readily admit that her stunt was at best mortifying, and at worst “mathlete-level social suicide.” However, after weeks of attempting to gain attention from a suitor on campus with no success, she feels that her misguided attempt at getting his attention wasn’t without cause or motivation. Clemson Crushes, which started tweeting the creepiest whims and wishes of TigerTown’s finest, has become the unspoken campus standard for attractiveness, as over 6,500 followers check daily to see if anyone is attracted to them enough to be creepily tweet about it. With vague, yet romantic overtures to “the girl in purple norts in Schilletter,” inviting her to “sit on [her crush’s] face,” many girls will admit off the record that they long to be verbally assaulted on the campus social media giant. Like many Clemson ladies, Milton’s Clemson Crush obsession started innocently enough; she simply decided to not look homeless for class each day, hoping that ditching the Chacos and putting in minimal effort to do her hair and makeup would have the boys lining up. However, after a week of dressing “class casual”

netted her no online attention, Milton started upping the ante. She took to eating bananas suggestively in Schilletter, hoping that the menfolk would appreciate her show of skills. However, aside from inspiring the Clemson Eats Bananas Twitter account, no one found it remarkable or attractive. She then tried sauntering, scantily clad, up and down Library Bridge, but was lost in the mass of tired, angry souls, going largely unnoticed. Feeling like perhaps everyday situations wouldn’t garner her the most attention, Milton took to various fraternity parties and bars to promote her Crush brand. She first found the exact underboob-laden outfit from Christina Aguilera’s “Dirrrty” video, securing it in a fierce bidding war on eBay, and then debuted it at karaoke night at TD’s, singing a raunchy at best, obscene at worst rendition of Xtina’s empowerment anthem. When her performance failed to even garner her a shot, she conducted a dancing tour of Clemson’s fraternity houses, managing to twerk on every stage, “support beam,” and bench she could find. Sunk into a financial hole and battling a nasty case of staph from one of the more questionable basements, Milton found herself hurtling towards true insanity at breakneck speed. She hit her breaking point over Homecoming Weekend, as she recalled the mass of tweets “crushing” the dank-ass ladies of the Champagne Dance Team from SC State from the last home game. Hoping that getting naked in front of 83,000 of her closest friends would finally net her the closure and crushing that she sought, Milton stripped down and ran onto the field, jumping right onto the float with all of the Homecoming candidates. One of the candidates recalled Milton’s

page 6

Top 10: Drinks You Thought of While Drunk

at the end of the day, vodka and Franzia is still vodka and Franzia, you lush.

ill-fated bid for love and affection as “Incredibly alarming.” She noted that “There was a sense of determination in that girls eyes that was absolutely terrifying. I honestly thing she would have resorted to pure blood sport if she thought that someone might find it sexy.” Even after publicly exposing herself, no one bothered to send in a crush for her, perhaps being put off by the fact that she had to be tazed four times by CUPD

before they could drag her off the field. In the wake of tragedy and humiliation, Milton hasn’t lost her sense of determination. The 19 year old is determined to take her appeal to the powers that be, on the grounds of wrongful dismissal due to mental unrest, extreme insecurity, and lack of invitation to have sex with a complete stranger.

page7

page 13

Clemson Endures Epidemic

Mass Suicides Following Conclusion of AMC Hit Shows

So many dead grandmas, so many missed classes, so... sad?

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Students Make Pact

to Get Shit Together

The

Top

Ten

Drinks You Thought of While Drunk By: black sheep staff

Sometimes, you find yourself inventing delicious, original drinks. These are not those. These are drinks thought of by your sloppy-drunk self. 10.) Mountain Dew and Tequila: Sure, this sounded like such a good plan at the time. Tequila is the only booze that’s not a depressant. Mountain Dew is delicious. Plus, there’s all that sugar so you can feel extra-horrible come morning! Yippee! 9.) Vodka and 5-Hour Energy: Just because 5-Hour Energy has 8333% your daily intake of good ole’ B12, doesn’t mean it’ll provide 8333% your daily intake of awesome when a very drunk you concluded that you should throw some Karkov in there as well. Prepare for a night of text messages and snap chats you didn’t mean to send. Just don’t be afraid to share your dumb mistakes with The Black Sheep by tweeting @BlackSheep_CLEM. Everyone’s all in this mess together. 8.) Frappacino and Rum: Sober, this sounds awful. Buzzed, it sounds awful. But drunk, these two become a viable option, much like those people you accidentally hookup with over the weekend or that decision you made to buy a life-size cutout of Steve Buscemi. 7.) Gin and Margarita Mix: Wait a second, this one doesn’t even taste that bad. Gin is a cool liquor with a strong flavor. It almost perfectly compliments the lime and high fructose corn syrup notes from the mix. Almost.

By: TBS Staff As the first round of midterms comes to an end, many students have been shaken to their core as the reality of being at school has finally hit them. The results of the exams took an especially hard toll on two freshmen living in the dorms. “I honestly thought that Syllabus Week was a semesterlong thing, not just literally a week,” said Pete Donnelly, a civil engineering major. Pete, along with his roommate, had been going out five nights a week since school began in August, and they were caught with their dicks in the door (so to speak) when they were slapped in the face with four exams in the past week. Pete’s roommate Steven Billings humbly noted, “Low key, I was our class valedictorian and never studied for a test in my life. School has always been a joke for me.” They received a total of 5 F’s, 2 D’s and an inexplicable A earned by Pete on his ATMS 120 exam. When asked how they studied for the exams and if they attended review sessions, their responses were not politically correct: “Do I look like a limp dick?” exclaimed Pete. “Review sessions are for try-hards and needledicks,” added Steven, the previously mentioned valedictorian. When we tried to explain to them that said “needledicks” would probably end up with higher GPAs than “cool cats” that refused to attend review sessions, they were still not impressed. “The only GPA I care about is Guns, Pussy and Alcohol” said Steven, who received an excited high-five from Pete. When pressed to divulge how much they had actually studied for the exam, they said that they had skimmed the practice exams before they took their midterms but didn’t actually do any of the problems. When asked if they had photographic memories, they laughed and Pete commented that he didn’t have a photographic memory but instead had a “pornographic” memory. When asked to further explain what that entailed, he said, “It’s like normal memory, but everything is like sex.”

It was only when they saw the email from their advisors that they began to realize how dire their situation actually is. Faced with two write-ups from their RA for “breaking in and peeing on a foreign exchange student’s bed” and “putting lube on everyone’s doorknobs” on top of their less-than-satisfactory grades, the two are looking at expulsion if their grades do not show improvement. The two have decided that they are making an oath to “get their shit together” in order to bring their grades back up. Although they were informed that not every oath has to be a blood oath, the two were insistent that the pact be written and signed in their blood “to let each other know it was real.” After the first few words, however, a red pen was quickly brought out, as well as antiseptic and Band-Aids. When asked why they stopped writing in blood, Pete explained through tears, “from his allergies,” that it was simply unsanitary.

6.) Beer and Whiskey: An excellent drink if you’re in the mood to projectile vomit everywhere. It really seems appropriate at the time but it’s really never appropriate. Don’t you guys remember that episode of Workaholics? 5.) Naked Juice and Gin: This delicious bitch is actually more of a drunk-piphany. You’re getting your fruits, getting your veggies, and getting your party on. You can put almost half booze in any given fruit smoothie and not taste a lick of it. It’s actually recommended to exceed that point so you get a little taste of gin. (The Black Sheep is not liable for any decisions made beyond this point.) 4.) Vodka and Milk: This is not a White Russian, kids. This is milk and vodka. It tastes like milk with vodka. Think of milk as the substitute teacher, filling in while Kahlua’s vacationing in Barbados. It’ll try really hard to get you to like it, but it’ll literally taste like you’re drinking one of the spitballs the kid in the back row shot at you.

Steven spelled out the details of the oath to us, which included cutting down partying to three nights per week, as well as a mutual obligation to start attending discussion sections. “We decided on not including lecture in the oath, because we both know that we’re just going to play Clash of Clans the whole time, so we’re just gonna bite the bullet on that one,” Pete added, which elicited approval from Steven. The two also agreed that they will be doing their best to attend their TA office hours if they start falling behind, but Steven made it clear that he would not be attending his economics office hours because his TA is a “total hippie that needs to get a haircut and stop talking about NPR.” Although these two students still need to make up a lot of ground, it is heartening to see that they have taken some steps to get their house back into order. We will be keeping up with these two and will be give an update in a couple months to see if they are serious about their oath, since it is mostly written in red pen and not blood.

3.) Crappy Plastic Rum and Apple Juice: Alright, this one tastes good too. Be careful. Aren’t you guys proud that of having a shittier version of Captain Morgan to call your own? It’s heartwarming. 2.) Vodka and Franzia: Because why the hell not? If you’re drinking shitty wine that tastes like piss mixed with grape juice, you might as well add some fuel to the fire. At least now you’ll actually get drunk off the stuff. 1.) The Leftovers: A bit of Svedka? Check. A smidge of the Jäg? Yes please. A little Tanqueray? Certainly. A dash of Jameson? Of course. A pinch of butterscotch schnapps? Wait, why do you even have that... Nevermind, just put it in there. This is a drink of desperation; you’ve got low spirits from being, well, low on spirits. Therefore, you must improvise. Try not to get pregnant.

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Clemson Endures Epidemic

on the Streets What’s the worst piece of advice your parents ever gave you? Dylan

“If the red river’s flowing...”

Ryan

Dead Grandmothers Everywhere By: Dan Collins While the vast majority of Clemson is abuzz with the optimism that comes from a wildly successful start to football season and another top 20 ranking among public universities, beneath the surface boils the threat of a tragedy the likes of which Clemson has never seen. We are, of course, referring to the alarming rate at which grandmothers of Clemson students have been passing away. Dr. John Jamison, who teaches Russian 201 even had to cancel his scheduled classes last Friday to accommodate the plethora of students attending funerals over the weekend. “It just didn’t feel right having class with so few students while the rest were at home tending to the fragile hearts of their families. Who would have thought that 6 students in the same class would be dealing with such a devastating loss all on the same day? One student has even had grandmothers on both sides of the family die already this semester.” Said Jamison, whose class has only 11 students. But of course, teachers aren’t the only ones struggling with this tragic phenomenon. Perhaps no one on campus has suffered worse than senior Gordon Baer, whose grandmother has died “at least five times

since the beginning of freshman year, each death forcing him to miss class,” said Isaac Baer, Baer’s brother. “Every time it gets more difficult,” said Gordon. “Grandpa had finally moved on from the death of his last wife, who died the day after the Super Bowl last year. Unfortunately, I had to miss class then, too. Sometimes I think grandpa should just give up and live out his remaining years on his own, if only to spare the lives of future grandmothers. But when I get that $10 check in the mail on what I assume my new grandmother thinks is my birthday, I know it’s all worth it, and I give thanks for grandpa’s persistence.” There has been rampant speculation as to the cause of this horrible disaster, though nothing has yet been proven. Many have theorized that it is a result of the heavy rains and relatively cool temperatures in Clemson this summer. “Elderly people, especially women, hate the cold. Everyone knows that,” said chief investigator Max Simons. “That’s why so many of them move to Florida. My grandmother, before she passed, used to wear a sweater every single day, even in the middle of summer. She looked ridiculous, and it was embar-

rassing being seen with her in public that way, so I was forced to put her in a home.” Even in the wake of this pending tragedy, there is still a sliver of hope. The majority of Clemson students have remained amazingly resilient throughout the entire process. A further look at attendance records reveals that, while most students will miss their morning classes after being informed of their loss, a shockingly high amount are able to recover quickly enough to make it to their classes later that same day. “I think it speaks to the commitment to academics that exists within this university,” said Jamison. “To be able to recover so quickly from such a devastating event and return to class that same day, it is a testament to how much our students care and the amount they are willing to sacrifice for the sake of education. In the beginning, I entertained the notion that some of these students may be lying as an excuse for skipping class, but then I realized that no Clemson student who respects the values of honesty and integrity so integral to the foundation of this university would ever do that. Plus, no one could ever be that heartless.”

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OVERTIME

The Grid SPECIAL NIGHT

MONDAY: All You Can Eat Sushi! Happy Hour 5 - 8pm: $2 Bacardi, Bud & Bud Light

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Mondays: $3 Long Islands Monday Night Football Special: Bucket of Chicken and Fries for $15

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thursday

$3.56 Sushi $5 Champagne Bottles Happy Hour 5 - 8pm: $2 Bacardi, Bud & Bud Light

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

FRIday

$6 Liquor Pitchers until 8pm $1.50 Mystery Beers 10pm Happy Hour 5 - 8pm: $2 Bacardi, Bud & Bud Light

$2.50 Fireball Shots Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Sex on the Beach, $3 Blue Motorcycles

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

saturday

Trivia at 8pm! (No trivia on home football games)

$2.50 Fireball Shots

$3 Liquid Marijuana, $3 Bahama Mama’s

Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am Show up early to miss the line at midnight!

sunday

Kitchen Open from 11:30am - 11pm Monday - Friday, 4pm - 11pm on Saturdays Come check out our daily lunch specials!

Closed

Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am Members can buy beer and wine to go.

monday

All You Can Eat Sushi! Happy Hour 5 - 8pm: $2 Bacardi, Bud & Bud Light

All food specials start at 4 pm $1 Beef, Blackened Chicken or Pulled Pork Tacos, $3.00 Nachos & Cheese, $5.00 Loaded Nachos (Add chicken, beef or pork for $1.00), $1.50 for 7oz Coronitas or a Bucket of 8 for $9.50

$3 Long Islands Monday Night Football Special: Bucket of Chicken and Fries for $15

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

tuesday

Tourney Tuesday 10pm Happy Hour 5 - 8pm: $2 Bacardi, Bud & Bud Light

$5.75 Large Pizza, $5 Bud Light Pitchers Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Red Stag, $3 Captain Morgan

$5.75 Large Pizzas, $5 Bud Light Pitchers and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers all night

wednesday

Add Larry Friar on Facebook for Daily Specials!

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers

thursday

$3.56 Sushi $5 Champagne Bottles Happy Hour 5 - 8pm: $2 Bacardi, Bud & Bud Light

$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings

Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

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thursday

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FRIday

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saturday

Signature Dish Combo: Choose two (shrimp and grits, creole jambalaya, Brunswick stew) and a salad.

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sunday

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All You Can Eat Wings!

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monday

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Karaoke With Fred Rock

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Twosday! Two burger baskets & a pitcher of beer for $12!

tuesday

All Day - BIG Nasty Burger: 1/3lb Chargrilled Cheeseburger topped with Pulled Pork, Baked Beans, and Onion Straws with a side for $8.99 $3 Bourbons after 5pm

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Trivia at 10pm!

Buy 1/2 pounds of wings, get a 1/2 pound FREE!

wednesday

All Day - Double Decker: Pulled Pork and Beef Brisket Sandwich with side for $8.99 $1 off Margaritas after 5pm

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Where the Big Tigers Play...

$6 Draft Beer and House Liquor Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!

thursday

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The

ACROBATIC

S e x osi

tion

eview! R k o o B A

By: Benny Boy

Although Emily Dubberley’s Acrobatic Sex Positions contains some of the most strenuous and penile-endangering sex positions known to mankind, one often finds that the most difficult aspect of these positions is convincing your girlfriend to do them with you. After all, you can only try these positions solo so many times until you find yourself only able to climax at the scent of moisturizer in the tortoise position. Here we will give you a few of the better sex positions from Acrobatic Sex Positions, all of which have been tested by us firsthand (R.I.P. Valerie), followed by our advice on how to get your significant other to try it with you.

Tow Truck

Pick p u e m

Difficulty Convincing: 3/10

What it Looks Like: The man is standing straight up with the woman in front, face down, legs wrapped around his hips and in the resting pushup position. How to Accomplish: If you see this position and don’t immediately think of wheelbarrow races, then your childhood was seriously lacking. Either that, or my uncle Terry has some serious ‘splaining to do! To get your girlfriend to do this one, you will need to hype up the innocent fun of it. Ask her if she would like to do a wheelbarrow race just for fun, just like old times. If she declines and looks at you like you’re crazy, say you guys could do it with your clothes off (She might be skeptical at first, but just do your best at convincing her that you will not stick your penis in her). After you guys have started wheelin’ around what you need to do is -- and this is the most important part -- you need stick your penis in her. At first she will be upset, but then it will quickly dawn on her that if she stops using either of her arms to support herself, she will be heading face-first to the floor. Extra points if you can accomplish this during the wheelbarrow race at your neighborhood’s annual family fun picnic.

The

Difficulty Convincing: 2/10 What it Looks Like: The woman is on all fours with the man sitting on her backside, leaning over to initiate penetration. How to Accomplish: This will be one of the positions that will require a lot of prep time. What you need to do first is work really hard at your job, saving money whenever you can. As soon as you have 2-3 grand, surprise your girlfriend with a luxury trip to Morocco. She will want to go to the beach for the first couple of days, and you will need to oblige. Close to the end of the trip you need to insist that the two of you go on a nature expedition. Once in the desert, you need to pretend that you are lost. Panic will set in at first, which is only normal. The desert will be very hot, so you should be removing clothes slowly while telling your girlfriend to do the same. After you are both naked, tell her that you need to rest, only the sand is too hot for you to sit on, so she must get on all fours so that you can rest on her buttocks. Once doing so, and this is the most difficult part, you must violently wrench your penis into a downward 90 degree angle in order to achieve penetration.

Difficulty Convincing: 4/10

What it Looks Like: The man is leaning over the side of the bed head-first. His head is resting on the floor and he is looking under the bed. The woman is sitting on the side of the bed against him.

How to Accomplish: This one is really quite simple. In the middle of making love to your woman, stop immediately and announce that you have a gift for her underneath the bed. This sudden interruption will leave the woman frustrated, but that was going to happen anyway. Turn around and dive off the bed head-first into a headstand. Lift up the overhanging sheets and begin “searching” for the gift. After a few minutes, yell out in a panicked voice that you are going to fall on the floor. Tell your lady friend to come and help you by sticking your penis into her for leverage. This works half of the time, the other half of the time the childish behavior makes the girl think she is in the movie Big, which sometimes helps because of the mental association with Tom Hanks.

Part 1 of 3!

The

XXX B

wall ang er Difficulty Convincing: 8/10

The

Back

Break er

What it Looks Like: The woman is up against a wall with the man doing a handstand behind her.

Difficulty Convincing: 6/10 What it Looks Like: The man is standing with the woman suspended face up, legs wrapped around his back, and with no support. How to Accomplish: This is another position which will require a lot of prep work. What you need to do first is become a licensed magician. Now, you might be asking, “Do magicians need licenses?” And the answer is, we truly don’t know. However, if you do need one, you’re gonna want to get one for this position. The Backbreaker is going to mimic the age-old levitation illusion. Normally this is done using hidden planks underneath the volunteer, but this time it will be a little different (Hint: You’re gonna use your penis). When you’re performing your routine at a bar mitzvah, county fair, or what-have-you, plant your girlfriend in the crowd and ask her to come up to participate in the levitation trick. Once you are prepared for the great reveal, mount your lady and go to town. She will be suspended in mid-air, and nobody will be the wiser.

Part 2 of 3!

two

fA CE D

LovEr Difficulty Convincing: 9/10

What it Looks Like: Just like The XXX Wallbanger except now the woman is also doing a handstand. How to Accomplish: At this point you are making love to your girlfriend while doing a handstand. Congratulations. The next logical step is to get her to do a handstand as well. She’s going to ask you why you are banging her while doing a handstand, and you are going to respond, “Is it me that is upside down, or is it the world?” She will think about this for a moment, eventually concluding that her perception of the world, universe, and society at large is just that: A perception. Although this spiritual revelation does not necessitate a physical rotation of the body into a handstand, she will still probably be more inclined to do so after realizing the subjective nature of the cosmos.

How to Accomplish: This is just one of those positions which requires a very specific set of circumstances to pull off, but when you do it is that much sweeter. You’re gonna need to find your girlfriend naked up against a wall. Now, this doesn’t happen very often, so when it does you need to be ready. Who knows, she could be doing some naked hamstring stretching, or maybe she is counting while playing naked hide-n-seek. Anyway, when she is in this position you need to get naked, do a headstand, and then just hand-walk your way on over to her. It’s best not to explain. The more you try, the more she won’t understand.

Part 3 of 3!

The

Clasp ing

Hands t a n d Difficulty Convincing: 10/10 What it Looks Like: Just like the Clasping Handstand except the two are now facing each other. How to Accomplish: To get the move to come to its conclusion, all you need to say is, “You know what, babe? We’ve gotten ourselves into this position, we might as well just face each other and admire us for the acrobatic weirdos that we are.”

Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Taken Major: Economics Favorite Drink: Vodka tonic with extra lime Favorite Shot: Rumple Minze Disgusting Drink: Anything with bourbon. What bargoer pet peeve would you like to wipe off the face of this earth?: Waving cash or a card in my face.

Cameron of Loose Change Drinking Game Fill the Pumpkin Having a variety of alcohol is always good, right? That must mean that having a variety of alcohol in one drink must be great! Maybe not. Let’s find out. What You’ll Need: A plastic pumpkin bucket, pair of dice, a wide variety of alcohol types and flavors, and friends who have strong stomachs. Number of Players: The more, the scarier. Level of Intoxication: Let’s just say the pumpkin doubles as a vomit bucket. How to Play: - Place the pumpkin in the middle of the table and surround it with the nips. - The first person rolls the dice and does the corresponding action with the number rolled. - Two: Speak in a funny accent until it’s your turn again. - Three: Make up a rule. Whoever breaks the rule takes a drink. - Four: Pour a drink into the pumpkin. - Five: Play a round of “Never Have I Ever.” Whoever loses takes a drink.

- Six: Drink whatever is in the plastic pumpkin. - Seven: Make someone else take a shot. - Eight: Pour a drink into the pumpkin. - Nine: Roll one of the dice again. Whatever number you get, drink for that many seconds. - Ten: You’re Question Master until someone else rolls a 10. - Eleven: Rhyming game with autumnthemed words - Twelve: Drink whatever is in the plastic pumpkin.

When was the last time you danced like no one was watching, loved like you’d never be hurt, or sang like no one was listening?: New Year’s Eve last year in Denver. There was string cheese involved.

If you had a clone, what would be the weirdest thing you’d make it do?: Probably work this shit! Yoga pants: Overrated, underrated or properly rated?: Definitely properly rated. What nostalgic TV show do you most dislike?: Seinfeld What’s something that sounds like a sex position, but isn’t?: Moo Moo Mr. Cow from Moe’s…is that weird? If you had to have a hangover or diarrhea for a week, which is it?: Definitely hungover. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s fucking hilarious!

Recipe for disaster Whiskey Caramel Dipped Apples Autumn is officially here and what a better way to celebrate it than with caramel-dipped apples, infused with booze, of course! They’re a little healthy, a lot sweet and have the potential of getting you a little tipsy. What more could you want? What You’ll Need: A bunch of apples, wooden popsicle sticks, wax paper, caramel bits, your favorite whiskey, and whatever other chunky monkey toppings you want to pack into your mouth Cook Time: We’re guesstimating 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s like 80% fruit, so let’s just leave it at that. Let’s Get Baked: - Place your caramel bits in a bowl. - Microwave the caramel/whiskey for about 3 minutes, stirring after each minute. Stop the microwave after the mixture is melted. - For each bag of caramel bits used, add 3 tablespoons of whiskey. Stir. - Shove a popsicle stick into one of the apples and dip the entire apple into the caramel mixture, making sure it is completely covered when you’re done. Lift the apple out of the bowl and let the excess caramel drip off. - Roll your apples into the toppings of your choosing or simply place them on the wax paper plain. - Allow your caramel apples to chill in the refrigerator for about 15 minutes before enjoying!

The Game Ends When: The first person starts looking a little ghoulish. Once there’s vomit in the pumpkin bucket, we doubt you’ll want to keep playing with it.

Try experimenting with different alcohols and flavors, such as green apple vodka. We suggest steering clear of disgusting dessert flavors, unless you want to see your delicious apple creation in the toilet.

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Mass suicides

following conclusion of Breaking Bad By: black sheep staff The finale episode of Breaking Bad aired this past Sunday, and in the days since the shocking ending of Walter White’s meth empire, 3.5 million Americans have committed suicide. And to make things worse, that number is still rising. The normal U.S. suicide rate is about 20 per 100,000 citizens every year, but since Sunday the rate has risen to about 250 suicides per 100,000 citizens per day. When asked for a comment, the World Health Organization called the 456,250% increase in suicides “very unusual.” Clemson has not been exempt from the sudden suicide craze; since the airing, local experts estimate between 200 and 4,300 students have ended their lives over the past few days. “I’m shocked. Utterly shocked,” said one student, whose roommate Robert Xanaxbar leapt from his dorm room early Monday morning. “[Show creator] Vince Gilligan is a sick genius. There’s still one thing I still can’t don’t understand, why did Rob have to crash through the window on his way out? Now it’s hot as shit all day and cold as shit all night. That guy was always a dick.” “I just wish people would leave me the hell alone,” said junior Kelly PinkertonStinfurder, wiping away tears. “After all that, after all I’ve gone through, it turns out it was a lie. They don’t really give you straight A’s for the semester if your roommate dies.” She paused to compose herself. “They said... I’m sorry, it’s just so *sniff* — they said that rule is in place for special circumstances, but suicide doesn’t count, since it’s like fraud or some bullshit. I stabbed her body in the chest as they were carrying her out to try and use a loophole or something, but they said it was too late.” Local police constable Erin Wüdrough wrote a public message for the student

body that was sent out through the school’s emergency alert system on Tuesday. “Students, I am not trying to talk you out of what you know you have to do. I understand the deep hole Breaking Bad has left, a hole that cannot be filled — I’m doing the same thing in a few weeks once I make enough money to leave to my wife and children. All I’m asking is that you consider the poor officers who have to clean up your yucky corpse. So please, we ask you to kindly end your life in a dumpster, or at least have a friend drag your body to a corner on your neighborhood’s garbage day. You can also make the medical examiner’s life a whole lot easier by stapling your ID to your face beforehand.” “In honor of Heisenberg, I’m gonna snort meth until I OD. Lol bye guys :)” tweeted sophomore Poot Smith immediately following the show’s ending. An hour later he tweeted “lol nvm this stuff is sweet” and since then has sent over 450 tweets, mostly containing derogatory comments toward actor Shia LeBeouf. President Obama addressed the suicidal nation on Wednesday. “Although the loss of over 1% of the American population is a tragedy in some ways... this is actually solving a lot of the federal government’s financial problems. Therefore, I am proud to award the Congressional Medal of Honor to every single man, woman, and child who helped save social security and the U.S. post office by painting the walls with their brains.” He nodded at his teleprompter operator as if to say “it’s okay, go ahead,” and after saluting, the president he quickly stabbed himself through the stomach with a long ceremonial sword. “Now that that’s over with, I feel obligated to announce my membership in a post-

Breaking Bad suicide pact with the majority of my administration, including a large chunk of the presidential line of succession. JB one, JB two, Leahy, Kerry, Lew, Hagel Bagel, The Holdster, Jewell, Vilsa--wait, no, I think he pussied out. So say hello to President Tom Vilsack, I guess.”

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Guess the Guttenberg

Movie List:

Each box features the handsome steve guttenberg in one of his many blockbuster films. do you know which movie each box is from?

Police Academy • Cocoon • It Takes Two • Three Men and a Baby • The Big Green Poseidon Adventure • Short Circuit • The Boyfriend Club • Tower of Terror

Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com the first right answer gets a prize!

fashion Pieces ACROSS 3) The film Flashdance made them popular, two words. 5) Super ugly, comfortable shoes. 6) Zip-up or pullover, everyone owns a favorite one of these. 7) Decorative button to fasten the cuff of a dress shirt. 9) This one piece suit makes using the bathroom difficult. 10) Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the what? 11) These type of slip-on female shoes will make your feet sweat. 12) Terribly blends together two bottoms. 15) Girls wear them as pants all the time. 17) This trendy type of dress covers the whole body. 18) Working class men originated this fashion piece. DOWN 1) Popular trousers in the 60s and 70s, two words.

2) The husband will take this off his bridge at the wedding, tossing it into the crowd. 4) Keeps your little hearing vessels warm. 8) Pleated, Scottish skirt. 13) Ashton Kutcher popularized this accessory in the 2000s, two words. 14) If you wear a top and bottom of this fabric, youâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re wearing a Canadian tuxedo. 16) Hippies wear this kind of jewelry, man.

crossword

Go Tigers! Beat â&#x20AC;&#x2DC;Cuse and BC!