The Black Sheep
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Vol. 3, Issue 5
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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10/17/13 - 10/30/13
HALLOWEEN Spooktacular Your Guide To
Trick-or-Treating in Clemson BY: Dan Collins It’s finally here, everyone’s favorite day of the year: Halloween. And of course, the best thing about Halloween is trick-or-treating. Many people think trickor-treating is only for children, but these people could not be more wrong. In fact, the tradition of candy-giving originated in 1821 when thousands of French peasants banged on the doors of the nobles and demanded food in order to stave off starvation. Despite massive peasant deaths, the nobles eventually gave in on October 31st, beginning the tradition of treat-or-beating (later changed to trick-or-treating) each Halloween. If those starving peasants were not too old to trick-or-treat, than neither are you. Here’s a guide from The Black Sheep on how to turn your Halloween night from Frankenstein to Franken-fine. As a college student, the biggest problem you’ll run into when trick-or-treating is looking too old. No one wants to see Lurch from the Addams Family at their doorstep when they’re expecting Little Bo Peep. However, if you’re able to convince everyone you are an early-maturing adolescent, you should be able to trick the candy barons into giving you candy anyway. In order to achieve such deception, purchase a costume that comes only in child sizes, and will therefore be absurdly small on you. Better yet, have your “mom” sew you a ridiculously small costume because “your lemonade stand didn’t make enough money for a REAL Wreck–It Ralph costume.” (Bonus points if you
say this with a lisp.) This way, with some slick-tongued persuasion you can convince them that you recently had an enormous growth spurt, which is why your costume looks so stupid. Also consider which child costume to pick. Your first instinct will be to pick your favorite childhood superhero or movie character (i.e. Buzz Lightyear). Don’t cave. It’ll be a dead giveaway, because your childhood heroes are now irrelevant and outdated. Instead, go with something more en vogue, such as a minion from Despicable Me, a college Mike Wazowski, or some gay unicorn that is presumably inevitably popular now. If you really want to drive home your identity as an appropriately-aged trick-or-treater to the candy barons, you need an I.D. that validates it. You shelled out 75 bucks for that 21-year-old I.D. that got taken the first time you tried to use it, so paying 50 cents for a library card that says you’re 12 should be no problem. Or, if you don’t have the money, just steal your younger sibling’s middle school I.D.and use that. Not only can you use this fake I.D. for trick- or-treating purposes, it can also get you a discount at a plethora of restaurants and movie theatres around the country. We hope this advice will be helpful to those in Clemson who are young at heart and want the magic of
trick-or-treating to last forever, but not to those who plan to use the tradition as an excuse to get closer to small children. And if none of this works, you can always just rob an unsuspecting kid and steal his candy, so it’s really a win-win. Lastly, if you really want to
page 6
pages 10-11
The Top 10
The Black Sheep Interviews: Steve-O
Ways to Make Halloween a Pledge’s Worst Nightmare
leave Halloween a winner, show up to class the next day still wearing your costume. It’s the perfect power move to display your coolness, insinuating that you were up all night parting, or trick-or-treating, it really doesn’t matter which. Another win-win.
We chat with the infamous funny man about nut shots and YouTube.
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page 12
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Let’s Talk About
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The
Top
Ten
Ways To Make Halloween a Pledge’s Worst Nightmare By: Marley
Ah, the extra special time of year bros can really amp up hazing to make pledges look like total asshats in the most ridiculous costumes around campus. If you’re looking to make this Halloween extra-special for pledges but you can’t come up with any golden ideas, fear not Mr. Frat Star, The Black Sheep has got you covered. 10.) Michael Phelps: Hope you’ve shaved, pledge, because it’s time for you to strap on that Speedo you know you’ve always wanted to wear and butterfly-stroke it to the finish line. The challenge: start at end of the reflection pond adjacent to Cooper and to end at the Amphitheater. Don’t worry, you’ll be rewarded for your accomplishments with a gold medal followed by an award ceremony on Library Bridge. Sincerest congratulations. 9.) The Clemson Pink Gorilla: Sure, being the notorious Clemson Pink Gorilla may seem like an honor, but only until you realize that you need to do some outrageous shit whilst assuming the role in order to make it legit. Frat stars, find a pledge with a fear of heights and get him into this costume, because it’s time to scale the Strode Tower. 8.) Oompa Loompa: Imagine the insecurities you can poke fun at with this one! Give the sandwich ladies something to gawk at and have a few pledges serenade all of Harcombe with a Willie Wonka musical during the lunch rush. But it’s only funny if you use your vertically challenged pledges. After a group spray-tan.
By: hashtagsrat College students are constantly derided for being selfish, which is uncomfortable because at every step of the way we’re told to embrace being the youthful souls we are by taking advantage of every opportunity, doing whatever’s right for us, dancing like no one’s watching, and loving like we’ve never been hurt, or something. However, the latter is trickier than anticipated when we selfish creatures are given a steady routine of classes, mounds of homework, and the going-out schedule of an unusually social drunk. Hence, the sex idiot. Not everyone is looking for a 2 a.m. non-sober buddy; not everyone wants a bit of companionship during the lonely hours directly after last call. But, can you blame those of us Clemsonites who want a little something on the side that doesn’t require a time commitment during the week? This is where the sex idiot comes into play: he or she is someone who keeps your bed warm, nothing more, nothing less, except maybe the occasional IHOP breakfast on particularly hungover Sundays with all the random townies who you didn’t know existed. A sex idiot is someone who you keep in your phone as “Chubbies-Wearing Keith”. You probably couldn’t tell anyone what color his eyes are, what his major is, or what it is you enjoy about him other than his functioning genitalia, but you keep him around because he gives you something to do after the pledges go home and the bars close. The reason that these people make the perfect no-strings-attached nighttime companions is because their personalities are so icky that you have no desire to spend time with them sober, to get to know them better, or to devote any of your energy towards them. There are fewer things more discouraging than finding someone you really, really like—someone who you could actually talk to sober, God forbid you ever find yourself that way—and realizing that you actually have no time for a relationship. Like worse than genocide or famine. There’s a certain comfort in finding someone who you can hook-up with without getting attached, because if you have casual sex with someone you actually like, you’ll catch feelings…and die. That’s all a sex idiot is, after all: the ultimate cure for the thirst without any sort of feelings on the side. Of course, there are a few drawbacks to a sex idiot situation — the poor bastard catching the love bug, your friends finding out what a dillweed you’re currently banging and making fun of you for eternity, the inherent cynicism of the idea, and the fact that you have to treat him with respect and dignity to his face when there’s no way you would ever associate with him otherwise — but there’s little to no time for a loving, committed relationship when there are tailgates to go to, scream-singing to do at TD’s karaoke, tequila shots to be taken at Monterrey’s, and Sundays to spend with the nastiest of hangovers. Also, considering that a night of vomiting is the worst that your trusty handle of Fireball can do to you, there ain’t no shame in the sex idiot game. So, dullards and idiots of Clemson, you’re in luck—there’s a girl out there in a seriously open relationship with Loose Change and her girlfriends, and she’ll bang you.
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7.) Mimes: Dress your most chatty pledges up for this activity, and stick them into a mixer at TD’s with some sorority tail. The challenge: they’re not allowed to speak to anyone for any reason at all throughout the entire mixer; they must be stuck in a box. As an added bonus, encourage the babes there to let out their flirty, frisky sides, just for some fun on your end and some sexual frustration on theirs. 6.) Hooters Girls: Halloween can be great for giving back to the community, and what better way to do so than to volunteer your pledges’ services serving up free wings from Wingin’ It on the quad? Since Wingin‘ It doesn’t have that Hooters atmosphere, you might as well bring it to campus with the help of pledges in skimpy orange spandex. But please, no tips. 5.) Dora the Explorer and Swiper the Fox: Get out your map, Dora, because we’re making our Thursday night rounds downtown to overcome obstacles and reach the treasure (a pitcher of Clemson Goodnight at the end of the strip, waiting to be chugged). Obstacles your pledge may find along the way could include being water-gunned, getting pied, and of course, a surprise attack from a brother Swiper. 4.) Where’s Waldo: Classic Halloween costume. The challenge: this pledge has to get in the background of every single picture taken at your fraternity’s Halloween party. It’ll be hilarious to watch the pledge struggle to make every picture taken, and even more hilarious to see the resulting photobombs on Facebook the next day 3.) Cheerleaders: What better way to celebrate game day in Death Valley than to have your own personal cheerleading posse? Pledges assume their position at the bottom of the hill for all spectators to see, as they strut their stuff during Tiger Rag and cheer on our beloved Tigers! Complete with orange and white pleated skirts, giant purple hair bows, “gameday ready” makeup, and of course adorable little orange paw tattoos on their cheeks! You go, girls! 2.) Harry Potter vs. Voldemort: It’s a fight to the death. We’re bringing Hogwarts to Library Bridge. Choose two lucky pledges to bring the beloved series to life, complete with wands, cloaks, and a collection of spells. The challenge: beat the shit out of each other during afternoon passing time on the bridge. 1.) Speedbump: It’s a classic. You pledges think the brothers walk all over you now? You haven’t seen anything yet.
read more online TheBlackSheepOnline.com
Spooky Tales of Sorority Girl Halloween
on the Streets If you were sent back to 1700, what modern-day item would you bring with you?
James R.
“A machine gun!”
Kevin C. By: Courtney Paul As a “mature” sorority girl, your days of trick-or-treating, an act better described as sulking, pillowcase in hand, from house to house as a result of your parents’ decision to forbid a boy-girl party, are long gone. This Halloween you can finally attend that boy-girl party with your darling sisters, all under the cloud of inappropriately spiked punch. Trick, or treat? While this college-ized and, duh, sororitized Halloween certainly sounds intriguing, there are some spooky obstacles you will encounter, and it’s important to know how to handle them with tact and poise. So, The Black Sheep has put together a guidebook just for you. Consider it the king-sized candy bar in a pumpkin bucket full of pretzel snacks. The Sisterhood Event: Being the time of pumpkin-themed Pinterest crafts and recipes, Halloween reins atop the holiday list for any sorority girl. In reality, it quickly becomes an eerie nightmare. The crayon-melt design, monogrammed pumpkin craft or that 49-step pumpkin loaf recipe simply isn’t designed to be completed by over 200 girls in a frightfully cramped room on a Sunday afternoon. Your crafts never look like the picture on the screen and your recipes never seem to be as incredible as you had imagined, even with the help of inordinate amounts of Diet Coke. In fact, the only help your “study-buddies” have given you is the tendency to spine-chillingly snap at sisters due to your highly competitive nature. So, do yourself a favor, run like a bat out of hell as far from the event as possible. Besides, there has to be a happy hour somewhere. The Lower Tier “Halloween Blowout”: It’s that one fraternity in which you know zero brothers. In fact, you weren’t absolutely certain it existed at all. Their parties resemble the ghostliest of graveyards. Until now. They’ve spent their entire social budget to pull this one off, and it will be the only relevant party they host all year. While it isn’t haunted in theme, it is haunting, if not terrifying,
for reasons all its own. Your first concern is the PJ: Is it Everclear? Is it moonshine conned off a roadside hobo meth-addict? Is that ruphylin you smell? Our advice: chug the ghastly mixture before common sense and logic change your mind. Your sexy zombie getup will seem much more convincing in a drunken, spectral stupor. At this point, you’ll remember why you know zero brothers, hell, you even celebrate the fact. They’re the type to induce those blood-curdling screams you save for only the most horrifying of humans. Every wraithy boy that touches the small of your back in an attempt to dance induces a Psycho-esque moment of sheer horror. Just ignore the creeps and do you. We promise, you’ll have just as much fun without a ghoulish stranger in your bed tomorrow morning. Oh, wait; is that a devilish red gleam in his eyes? Maybe it’s the lights. Or the PJ? Speaking of, time for a refill… The Standards Call: It’s inevitable. Your tiger costume more resembles a hybrid between Tigger and an exotic dancer – the kind that cater exclusively to high-paying athletes and government officials, because you’re definitely upscale. You consumed enough alcohol to kill a small dog, so finishing the night ass-up on the bar was inevitable. And the witches of standards may have seen the pictures of your peaceful tiger snooze, but they can’t necessarily prove its cause. You clearly went unconscious as your corset inhibited your breathing. And if they don’t buy it, just tell the truth. You thought alcohol was what keeps away the vampires. Who knew it was actually vinegar? Honest mistake. Now that you’re shaking in your booties, you’ve locked the doors in hopes that Halloween will just pass right by without taking you as its next victim. Fear not. As your mother always said, it’s more afraid of you than you are of it. So go grab some drinks, cut your costume just a little bit smaller, and hit the town. And remember, Halloween is a non-secular holiday. So you won’t feel nearly as bad at church in the morning.
“The plague.”
Will C.
“Fire and Ice condoms.”
07
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The Black Sheep Interviews
Steve-O
“I don’t know that one guy stands out when it comes to nut shots.”
By: Tim Mackey The Black Sheep recently caught up with Steve-O on his national standup tour. Channeling our eighth-grade selves jumping off garages and lighting tennis balls on fire, we asked him every question we could possibly think of while holding back the strange urge to have him smash something over our crotch. He’s reinvigorated and risen from the ashes, so make sure to check out his new Youtube channel and follow him on Twitter, @SteveO.
The Black Sheep: How’d you originally end up working with the guys from Jackass? Steve-O: There was a skateboarding magazine back in the day called Big Brother, which was little more than a bad influence on kids. I loved it; it was really just the greatest magazine ever. I was in the magazine and the videos. The guy in charge of the operation reached out to Spike Jonze at one point and said “Hey man, everybody loves our videos, but no one cares about the skateboarding. I think if we subtract all of the skateboarding then what’s leftover would be a great TV show.” And when you took out the skateboarding, what you had left was me and Knoxville, and Wee Man, and Chris Pontius — and Bam was making a similar kind of video on the east coast — so we kinda merged camps, the Big Brother guys and the CKY guys and that was sort of how we all came together. TBS: For Jackass 3D you were completely sober. Is there a stunt from the past that you couldn’t have done sober? S: I should say I don’t know if I ever did stunts because I was wasted. I think I’ve always done stunts because I’m an attention whore. Getting sober hasn’t really changed that at all. But there was some particularly reckless stuff, one that comes to mind was being strangled unconscious six times in a row. TBS: By who? S: Ryan Dunn did that. We were on tour in England back in 2003, and Ryan Dunn choked me out six times in a row. Yeah, it was all on camera if you just go on Youtube and type “Steve-O Chokes” you can find it. Another one was on a three-day bender when I jumped out of an airplane with no parachute into the ocean. That one wasn’t so easy.
TBS: How many years until Johnny looks like Irving Zisman? S: I don’t know man, (laughs) I don’t know. TBS: How do you feel about having popularized the national phenomenon of butt-chugging? S: Oh man, that is… I am incredibly honored for that. It’s incredible. Knoxville sent me this video about a press conference. There were some college frat kids butt-chugging and there was some kind of outrage about it. It was the funniest fucking thing ever. I think they even called it “buttchugging,” I’m pretty sure I coined that term itself. TBS: You’re known as one of the guys who does the most intense stunts, but which member of the Jackass crew grew the most in their willingness to do horrible things to their body over time? S: I don’t know, man. We all seem to have our different strengths, it’s kind of a “apples and oranges” question. Whenever no one is willing to do something at all, then the idea trickles down to Danger Ehren. He would be at the top of the pile when it comes to willingness, that’s kinda due to his exceptionally low IQ. TBS: In Wildboyz you got a hotdog whipped from your butt with a bull whip and got your ass stung multiple times by an African emperor scorpion, with that in mind, what is the most painful stunt you’ve done? S: Oh god, I hate that question. It’s all just so subjective, man. Pain just has different criteria, the duration of the pain is an issue. While electrocution hurts more than other stuff, it’s quicker. I hate that question.
TBS: Which Jackass team member is most willing to take blows to the nuts? S: I don’t know that any of us are really psyched about it… We each have our own separate strengths when it comes to doing stupid things. But I don’t know that one guy stands out when it comes to nut shots.
have no delusions about that. I love the saying you know “the alcohol bones connected to the weed bone, the weed bone’s connected to the cocaine bone” and so on…
any half-assed ideas. So my immediate response to him was “Oh yeah, how about if I get me tattooed on me, larger than me?” My face on my back is way bigger than my face.
TBS: Did you like being on Dancing with the Stars and hosting Killer Karaoke? Or was it just something to do? S: I, uh, Dancing with the Stars I really did enjoy a lot, Killer Karaoke had its moments. I, uh… but yeah neither of those two were my favorite.
TBS: You got a tattoo in January of Santa Claus crucified on your arm. Do you have a favorite tattoo? S: I like ShitFuck on my knuckles. I really do. Really because I’m quite proud of having carved out a place in my life that having profanities tattooed on my knuckles doesn’t hold me back. I’ve had ‘em… It’s been about exactly 10 years since I got ShitFuck tattooed on my hands.
TBS: Either in your career or not, what was the best moment in your life so far? S: I’m so jazzed about my new Youtube channel. I would say that the Youtube channel is the exact opposite of Dancing with the Stars and Killer Karaoke. I get to do what I think is fucking awesome and it’s such a treat and a joy. TBS: How long did it take you to heal from the mighty fist of Mike Tyson? S: Eh, pretty quick. I had two black eyes for a while there. I didn’t notice how long it took my nose to heal because this weird kung fu instructor guy set it straight right after it happened. I’d say like three weeks I was in pretty good shape.
TBS: Is there anyone that won’t ever do them? S: No, we all do them, but we have considerable… I don’t want to say reluctance because we all do it. I mean we all do it, but we dread it.
TBS: What can people expect to see on your tour this year? S: It’s filthy comedy and silly physical tricks. I think what makes my comedy unique and worthwhile is A: I’m absolutely shameless. And B: I’m rigorously honest. So if I tell a story you can damn well believe that it happened. And just judging by how shameless I am you can expect the stories to be incredibly juicy and revealing. You know I’ve been doing stand up for a long time and I’m really finding my voice and that’s exciting. People are really coming out and enjoying the show and that means a lot to me.
TBS: A lot of the guys, if they were afraid of snakes or spiders, then that’s the stunt they would do. What was your ‘phobia’? S: I hate roller coasters, which is why I was the perfect candidate for the poo potty. I mean I hate snakes too, I really do, but uh I don’t know if... Yeah like that one thing, I mean certainly rollercoasters are a big thing.
TBS: Looking at Johnny Knoxville, he seems to have aged more in the last 10 years than most people age in 30. How do you think you’ve managed to stay young-looking? S: (Laughs) Wow, I’ll take that as a compliment. I feel like I’ve aged pretty heavily as well, but if I guess if I were to agree with you then I’d have to blame that on healthy living. I quit smoking cigarettes and stopped doing drugs and drinking alcohol and I became a vegan. I exercise and stuff, surfing’s a big one.
TBS: Is it that falling feeling? S: It’s more like not being in control, like I can jump off of shit pretty easily. It’s like with bungee jumping when I’m looking off a bridge, I spent my life kinda jumping off of stuff so much, so I know heights pretty well. I don’t care what’s tied to me, when I look off something that’s 300 feet high, I usually know not to jump so it’s hard to get past that instinct. I mean I had no problem jumping off the tower of London, which is like the tallest thing I’ve ever jumped off of. TBS: You’ve been sober now for five and a half years, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing. So what’s you’re favorite drug to not do? S: I mean… I don’t know how to answer that. I uh… I mean the reality is that if I pick up any drink or drug in short order I’ll be on everything again. I
TBS: I’m telling readers to subscribe immediately to your blog because it’s honestly awesome. What can they expect to see you do on it in the future? S: I don’t know, I don’t want to give up any ideas, but I’m finishing up a lie detector bit. I don’t even know how it’s gonna come out. I got Knoxville to come up a list of hilarious and uncomfortable questions for me to answer while attached to a lie detector test. I don’t know what the questions are, but I imagine they’re gonna be pretty fucking terrible.
TBS: Your giant back tattoo, what was the situation where that was done? Did you wake up and it was there or what? S: We were preparing to shoot the first Jackass movie and Jeff Tremaine said “Hey, don’t waste our time with any half-assed ideas because now this isn’t a TV show anymore, it’s a movie.” And I kinda took offense to the notion that I would suggest
TBS: Anything else we should know? S: At the end of every one of my shows, when I walk off stage I never do anything or go anywhere until I take a photo with anyone who wants one, and lots of times people have things they want to ask me or show me. And everybody gets a chance to do that. I stick around until the bitter end, ‘til everyone who wants one gets a photo. I don’t really know of anybody who does that. And it proves to me to be a lot harder of a job to do that than the show itself. I stay committed to that though, because I want to make it a special experience for the fans who are committed to that. Make sure to read the extended interview online at theblacksheeponline.com!
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Taken Major: Nursing Favorite Drink: Rum and Coke Favorite Shot: Apple pie Most Disgusting Drink: Rumple Minze What was your first Halloween costume as a Kid?: Belle from Beauty and the Beast. What will be the most overdone costume this year?: Minions from Despicable Me.
Chelsea of TD’s Drinking Game
What’s the most underrated Halloween candy?: Nerds What would you title your best-selling memoir?: Diary of a Mad Mexican Woman Where are you hiding the evidence?: TD’s basement Who would you invite on your threesome with Jeff Goldblum?: Stephanie Skinner Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because it’s the shit!
Recipe for disaster
Bottle Bobbing
Fall French Toast
Halloween parties when you were a little kid were the best—all the candy and goodie bags and sweet zombie costumes. You can still host your own while in college, but don’t expect people to be entertained for hours with the Mummy Wrap Race and Pin the Stem on the Pumpkin. Here’s a twist on the typical bobbing for apples challenge.
The one thing that every kid misses about home is having meals prepared for them. We’re talking good meals, not some dining hall dinner surprise. Here’s our recipe for pumpkin french toast that you can let cook overnight so it feels like Mom’s slaving away in the kitchen when you wake up.
What You’ll Need: A large bucket, blindfolds, a small bowl, strips of paper and 20-30 mini bottles of alcohol Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: You’ll get a good buzz going.
What You’ll Need: Crockpot, loaf of bread, 15 oz. can of pumpkin puree, 6 eggs, 1 cup of milk, 1/2 cup of brown sugar, 2 teaspoons cinnamon and 2 teaspoons vanilla extract. Cook Time: 6-8 hours Fatty Factor: If you throw up a lot the night before, it won’t matter.
How to Play: - Get a giant tub, like a Rubbermaid container or a keg bucket, and fill it with water. - Lay down some towels in your living room or on your patio and put the bucket down. - Dump all of your mini alcohol bottles into the tub. - Decide who’s going first and have them put a blindfold on. They have to dip their head into the bucket, grab a bottle with their mouth and bring it back up. - Fill a small bowl with 10 strips of paper, 5 marked “trick” and 5 marked “treat.” - After someone bobs for a bottle, have them pull a piece of paper from the bowl. If it says “treat,” they keep the bottle for themselves. If the paper says “trick,” they give the bottle to someone else for them to drink. Put the paper strip back into the bowl. - Make sure the person drinks his or her bottle before moving onto the next person. - Go until everyone has had a turn, stopping after each person to pull a sheet of paper, distribute the bottle and drink.
Let’s Get Baked: - Dice up your loaf of bread into small cubes and place ‘em inside the crockpot. - In another bowl, mix together the remaining ingredients. - Pour the mixture over the bread in the crockpot, making sure the bread is well-coated. - Let the French toast cook in the covered crockpot overnight on low heat. - Before eating it, take the lid off of the crockpot for about 30 minutes if it looks too moist. - Scoop out your portion and add any toppings you want, like whipped cream, syrup, etc.
The Game Ends When: All the bottles are gone! Or just go back to the liquor store and get some more. They’re only like $2 anyway…
“HEY MOM! The French toast! We want it now!”
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What’s the most offensive Halloween costume you’ve ever seen?: The Pope
What’s the most overrated Halloween candy?: Snickers
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The Costumeless
Conundrum By: Brian Barsotti
Halloween is sneaking up fast on those who have yet to figure out a costume for this year. Bob Buckner, a junior at Clemson, falls into this category, but he doesn’t seem to mind very much. According to Redfern Physicians, Buckner is one of the millions of Americans who was born without the will or the motivation to make even a basic costume. And even with the health center’s expanse of expertise, they believe there really is no cure. “Buckner suffers an all-too-common genetic condition called ‘not really giving a fuck,’ and Halloween functions as a memento of his ailment year after year. Buckner can’t look at a fake, open wound or pass by any costume store without being reminded that he does not have nearly the amount of fucks to afford, let alone even consider, a costume,” Dr. Caroline Matts from McKinley explained. Halloween is one of the rare times of the year when dressing up as an axe murderer is more socially permissible than dressing casually, and in these settings people like Buckner find themselves ostracized for not putting the effort into a costume. “Yeah, I don’t really give a fuck,” Buckner said. Buckner, being a person who’s too lazy to make or buy a cheap Halloween costume, knows all too well what it’s like to stick out like a regular thumb. He recalls one particular costume party in 2011, in which he was literally the only one who showed up without a costume. Of course, Buckner felt very embarrassed at first but eventually became too distracted by the snack table in the kitchen and the guy dressed up as a man baby to really care anymore. Friends said Buckner comes up with quick-witted excuses for not having a costume whenever he is asked. One of his favorite explanations is that his non-costume is, in fact, a costume. He often says that he’s dressed up as an alien, who is masquerading as a human, trying to assimilate smoothly into human culture. “You know, I’m that alien from the movie The Thing,” Buckner typically explains. “The original John Carpenter version, not the crappy prequel.”
One group of people similar to the non-costume-wearers is the half-assed-costume-wearers. “You know, the people who wrap a few squares of toilet paper around their neck and claim to be a mummy? Yeah, those assholes,” Dr. Matts noted. Both groups are afflicted by “not really giving a fuck,” and there tends to be an overlap between the two. For instance, one year, Buckner “half-assed” a half-assed costume—it was indeed a quarter-assed costume. Buckner intended to wear a sarcastic t-shirt that read, “This IS My Costume.” However, he wasn’t able to find it, so he decided to put on his normal clothes and carry around a sign that read the same thing. Then he was too apathetic to even make that sign, so no one got the joke. Buckner’s story serves as inspiration for students this holiday season who suffer from “not really giving a fuck.” He proves there are ways to forgo making your own Halloween costume—you just have to put some imagination into it.
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HALLOWEEN bingo
wordsearch
“Sexy” Halloween costumes
Ursula Catwoman Paratrooper Ninja Dalmation Cruella Santa Baby Zebra Warrior Elf Jester
Rapunzel Unicorn Corn Stalk Sulley Uncle Sam Raver Garden Gnome Flapper Medieval Hula Girl
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