The Black Sheep
FR EE ... lik e sp see rin in g ’ bo bre o ak bie so ! n
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 5 • 3/7/13 - 3/19/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_clem
cancun bar remembers clemson hero
black sheep staff wrote this
As Clemson warms up for another spring break, many Redbirds are taking a moment to reflect on past vacations. For the some dozen students who travelled to Cancun, Mexico last year, one brave, heroic act stands above all the drunken shenanigans that flavor so many spring breaks. “Liz Warner showed us her boobs,” recalls senior Rich Wang. “It was incredible.” Several eyewitnesses, including Warner’s BFF, eagerly confirmed for The Black Sheep that, while waiting for her glass to be filled at Cancun club, Senor Frogs, thensuper senior Elizabeth Warner turned around to the patrons behind her and heroically lifted her shirt to expose her breasts. “I’ve never seen such courage,” Warner’s friend, senior Kevin Duncan recounted. “I’ll never forget it. ‘Tick Tock’ by Ke$ha was playing, and it was at that part, the one where she’s like, ‘The party don’t start till I walk in,’ and Lizzy just turned around at that exact moment and flashed us.”
me and said, ‘I think we cut in front of the guys behind us!’ I told her I wasn’t sure and kept dancing, but Liz turned around with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen and lifted her shirt to expose her bare breasts. She shouted, ‘Woo! I love you guys!’ and turned back around.” Added Morris, “I miss that bitch.” The Black Sheep tracked down the group of spring breakers Warner and Morris allegedly cut in front of at the bar -- a group of juniors from Virginia Tech. Did now-seniors Jerome Page, Leon Williams, Charles White and Sybil Martinez recall the event? “This little blonde chick flashed the whole bar!” Page said. “It was the most memorable experience of my college life!” “Did she cut in front of us?” Williams said. “What? Wait, did she? Hell, man, I don’t remember.” “She was the nicest person I’ve ever met,” White remarked.
with her boyfriend’s brother. “Day solay,” said Montreal University senior Monique Paschal who was at Senor Frogs during Warner’s heroic display. “Juh nuh comprend pa.” Paschal shook her head as if she didn’t understand why someone would expose their breasts to strangers. “Voolay voo be en parlay ploo luntumun, seal voo play.” As the first anniversary of Elizabeth Warner’s selfless, courageous, noble, valiant night of valor approaches, TBS caught up with the heroine herself. As of press time, Warner was heroically working as an assistant in a preschool in Utica and hadn’t had more than four hours of sleep a night in the past month.
Warner, who was pursuing a degree in primary education during spring break 2012, (she has since graduated), had reportedly stashed her bikini top in her Best Friend Forever’s saddlebag in anticipation of a later wet t-shirt Contest. BFF Sarah Morris remembers the event well.
“It was the craziest thing,” Martinez said. “I remember being really pissed about something, but suddenly there were boobs and I just got really happy suddenly. I think that girl rescued my whole night. I… I never got to thank her.”
“Excuse me, sir, you have to check in at the office,” she told TBS, valiantly. When we clarified that we were here to interview her about spring break 2012, her courage nearly faltered.
And yet, there are some who recall Warner’s selfless act of bravery in a different light.
“Janelle? Have they… Have they found her? Is she okay?”
“Lizzy has always had the biggest heart,” Morris said. “We were standing at the bar to get her drink -- I was the designated sober in our group that night -- and we were dancing and laughing, and then Liz turned to
“Ugh, what a slut,” said South Carolina junior Kelly Vargas, even though she has no idea what she’s talking about. “Who seriously flashes an entire bar? What a drunk whore.” As of press time, Vargas was sleeping
TBS clarified further and Warner became annoyed.
“It was like magic,” Duncan added.
“Who are you? Get out.”
When Warner finally relented to an interview while the preschoolers napped, she remained humble and oblivious to the effect her act or courage last year had on her fellow spring breakers. “Sybil Martinez says ‘thank you,’” we said. “Who?” Warner asked. We asked Elizabeth Warner to recount the event in her own words. “I don’t know, dude. I was so drunk. I remember dancing with Sarah [Morris] at Senor Frogs and I just flashed the bar. I spent the next two hours throwing up and crying for my mom in the bathroom with Janelle. That was… that was the last time I saw her.” We changed the subject so Warner wouldn’t talk about her (probably dead) friend again. “Do you think you’ll go on spring break again this year?” At that moment, a young boy came up to us, put his finger in his nose and wiped it on Warner’s arm before going back to his nap mat. Warner sighed unhappily. “No. I’m a grown-up now. I’m a… a…” As of press time, Elizabeth Warner was sobbing inconsolably in her classroom’s closet.
what'’s inside The Dungeon That is Johnstone Hall Let’s demolish that bitch and put in a 4-story Jamba Juice.
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They Lovin’ The Crew Round up all your stereotypical friends, it’s time to go on spring break!
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Advantages of the Two-Week Notice Leaving your job isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
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contents page 5: The bitter truth of the sweet spring break
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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Because your bank account and PCB just don’t mix.
page 6: Top 10: Ways to mess up on spring break do not take advice from juicy j.
Table of
pages 7: from the streets
what are you most looking forward to on spring break?
page 10: Bartender of the week
allI from loose change would like nothing more than to know what you’re thinking right now.
pages 12-13: The Mike’s Hard Taste Test
We choked down ten different flavors of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and hardly even got a buzz.
page 14: We Interview: AER
Brendan got to chat with the white-boy duo, who are on tour with Hoodie Allen now!
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page three p e e h S k c a l B e h T p
! k e e W e h t f o c i P
p A e l i b o M
ES KING GAM IN R D | | PARTY PICS IALS BAR SPEC SCAN TO DOWNLOAD
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Sexy Anagrams
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Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Ethics Syringe
Do you know who these celebrity hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
BIRCH SWORN last week’s answers
Kellie Pickler & Simon Cowell
word of the week Civiliesed: A faCade of normalcy put up by college students when visiting parents arrive.
“Quick Karen, hide our collection of stolen keg taps, my parents are five minutes out and we have to be civiliesed.”
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theblacksheeponline.com
The Dungeon that is Johnstone Hall:
Demolish This Bitch
Dustin Bertelsen wrote this Almost everyone knows the oldest, nastiest, and worst dorm on campus is Johnstone Hall. It’s not particularly close, either. Johnstone, known as “The Stone” or “The Dungeon” is the oldest dorm on campus. What’s worse, it’s a freshman, male-only dorm. Located conveniently adjacent to Harcombe Dining Hall as well as the Student Union Complex, it’s well known for the rowdy freshman boys it houses. Last year, it was announced that this archaic building from the days of yore, when Clemson was still a military college, was to be either renovated or demolished. Demolition, without question, would be the best choice. Female readers, have you visited male friends in Johnstone, only to comment on the nasty smell of urine, food, or vomit in the hallways? Guys who have lived there, how many of you would choose to actually live there again? There’s a laundry list of problems that currently plague Johnstone Hall:
more room for different setups. Also, there is a concrete wall with diamond-shaped holes located in front of the windows of the Annex, making it feel even more like a prison. Johnstone hasn’t been renovated in years and is the oldest dorm on campus; so old that even current Clemson University President James Barker stayed there his freshman year in 1967. The dorm is a throwback to the university’s barracks days, when young Clemson cadets had to keep their rifles in their closets -- Annex rooms still have rifle racks in the closets. By now one would think some overlyPC protesters would have petitioned to have these testaments to violence removed long, long ago.
In the “Main” portion of the hall, the walls are made of metal. Like, the stuff swords and power tools are made of. Weird, sure, but more importantly, metal reverberates. That means, when Johnny is bringing back a “visitor” after partying at the Reserve all night, the entire floor can hear the soundtrack of the two counting ceiling tiles.
On top of all this, Johnstone seriously lags behind its neighbors as far as decent living goes. Johnstone is located close to the Greek Quad, Holmes Hall, and McCabe Hall, all of which have gone through extensive renovations in the past 10 years. Holmes and McCabe actually used to be part of Johnstone, before being torn down to house the Honors College and upper classmen respectively. Johnstone needs the same treatment. A full demolition and rebuilding of a completely new dormitory hall would do the university justice and make those freshman boys actually enjoy where they live.
The Annex portion of Johnstone is like a prison block. The Annex has no room for creative lofting or sleeping setups, with the rooms possessing two alcoves for two beds, whereas other dorms have
If the university truly takes pride in the buildings that house students, this is a no-brainer. No more complaints about hearing everything through the aluminum walls on the main part of the complex, no
more 2 a.m. food fights on the 9th floor, no more trashed bathrooms with shit in the showers, no more of any of that. When moving in, the Four Square iPhone app listed Johnstone as “the party dorm.” Yes, and D-Block at Alcatraz was where toilet wine soirees happened on the regular. With the demolition of Johnstone and a little more oversight, the university can make a better, more livable space -- tons better than that trash heap the ‘Stone currently is. With the new dorm, Clemson can focus on building a brand new, architecturally and aesthetically-sound living space. President Barker is known for his architecture background, and they could rename it “Barker Hall” because there’s no better way to leave a legacy like having your name on the side of a building, right? Similar to having to pee on everything in order mark your territory, right ‘Stone inhabitants? Clemson is all about leaving a legacy and President Barker could do the freshman boys a favor by designing and building a new dorm behind Clemson’s flagship building, Tillman Hall.
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The bitter truth of the sweet spring break tbs staff wrote this Ahh, spring break! It’s the highlight of spring semester, isn’t it? Everyone works on their Floridian golden tan whilst sipping on a mimosa with their feet in the sand. Or at least that’s what MTV promised us back in high school. Yet for the majority of us kids, spring break never quite turns out as like that crazy adventure of epic proportions we’ve all been dreaming about. A harsh truth that we must learn to accept: spring break is overrated. Most students that attend public state school aren’t even close to that 1% tax bracket. Mitt Romney would gag at the first sight of most of these college students’ bank statements. Some of us can barely scrape up enough money to pay for rent and utilities. Most of us are working shitty jobs for an even shittier hourly wage, and a week of no pay is simply out of the question. So our time-honored, mythic spring break is usually reduced to a front porch and 40oz of whatever bought from that sketchy Liquor Store on 93. And at the end of the week everyone’s skin tone is still a gleaming, vampiric shade of pale. Of course maybe you’re fortunate enough to have parents that had shitty childhoods so they’re determined to give you every experience they never had. You easily work your magic and convince them that spring break is an essential part of a fulfilled college experience. You and a few friends are already packed when someone bails unexpectedly. So now you have to let that second-choice annoying tagalong that everyone hates join in so you all can afford the now four-dollars-a-gallon gas expense. Or even worse, maybe one of your idiot friends insists on bringing along their nagging buzz-kill of a significant other. Either way you’re spending way more than you ever anticipated on alcohol in order to numb the sharp stab of annoyance in the chest whenever said person says or does something stupid. But at least you got a solid base tan. Or perhaps everything goes according to plan. You and your merry band of slackers miraculously make it to Miami in record time. The hotel is just shady enough for you guys to get away with your flagrant binge drinking. It’s even within walking -- err, stumbling distance to the beach! But just as you finish packing your cooler with all the necessities (hooch, water, crackers, hooch) you notice your buddy passed out on the couch. And just like that, your spring break now turns into a scene from Weekend at Bernie’s. You’ll be damned if this asshole can’t get their shit together. You guys prop them up on a lounge chair, but they still manage to fall out. And of course the beach is crawling with cops just waiting to fill their quota by busting dipshit college kids for public intoxication. You decide to take your friend
FRIDAY IS LADIE’S NIGHT!
to the hotel room where they proceed to blow chunks all over the bathroom floor. On top of it all, you forget to pack sunscreen. Your skin tone redefines “lobster red.” For those of you who aren’t going on spring break, don’t berate yourself too hard. The modern college spring break is a farce and a scam -- a creation of advertising executives and MTV producers. Why not just skip the cops and sunburns and take it easy up here in the scenic splendor of Pickens County. And if you’re still hung-up on the dream of sun and surf, we at The Black Sheep suggest you just fill up your bath tub or baby pool. Your drunk-ass won’t know the difference.
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The
Top 10
theblacksheeponline.com
ways to mess up on spring break
Every year thousands of students flee the halls of academia and dive liver-first into the boozesoaked, sun-drenched frenzy of spring break. But only a handful of these kids actually get it right. Don’t hold back; let your friendly guides at The Black Sheep help you master the art of shameless hedonism and properly fuck up your spring break. Like a total badass. 10.) Create an Alias: You’re about to be on some beach far away from home surrounded by highlyimpressionable drunks who’ll believe anything you say. Bradley Simpleton: chemistry major and bottle cap collector isn’t going to get any kind of play in Panama. Scott Takin O’Shit, however, is living it up. You can do whatever you want this week… why spend it being your boring old self? 9.) Create a Spring Break Playlist: You and your posse can’t be rolling up to the scene that top-40 radio drivel. Who are you going to take more seriously: the guys parked at the beach with Taylor Swift screaming about god-knows-what? Or the badasses blasting “All Gold Everything” without a single thing of gold on? We’ll wait. 8.) Get Ratchet: We’d be lying if we said we at The Black Sheep didn’t appreciate all things ratchet, and what’s more ratchet than spring break? You can be “well behaved” and “polite” any week of the year. This week, take that shot, get naked, and twerk on anything that makes eye contact with you. Do it for the ratchets and who haven’t came out yet.
They Lovin’ The Crew kevin thomas wrote this
7.) Get a Tattoo: Who’s going to be walking around the beach with a tattoo gun and SpongeBob towel other than a professional badass? Do yourself the favor; get the tattoo. 6.) Pick a Fight: So you’re making your way to the dance floor and some prick bumps into you. Sure, the place is reasonably crowded and he totally apologized. But you’re not here to be nice, you’re here to make an ass of yourself. You may not have a good reason to start swinging blindly, but then again a badass doesn’t fucking need one. If you win, go home and tell everyone about it. If you lose, go home and tell everyone you won. They have no proof you didn’t.
Alright guys, one of the most important times of a college student’s year is about to occur: Spring break. This is the time were anything goes, parties, alcohol, women, men, transgendered folk, it’s all game. A good destination is important, but who you bring matters so much more. Drake said it best in “Crew Love,” “They lovin’ the crew.” The Life of the Party: This is the guy that brings the flavor every night and day, ready to party whenever. The guy who wakes up and says, “It’s 11a.m., I think it’s time for a beer.” You’re going to need that one guy to get everyone amped up and ready to hit the clubs and bars every night. The Mom: Every crew needs the person who is happiest looking after the trashed girl who’s puking in the fake plant. She may not be the most fun person in the group, but you’ll need her there to keep you from doing too many stupid things, like hooking up with that 2 after you’ve had a few too many whiskey and Cokes. The Daddy’s Money: Ah, his dad owns a dealership, which means spring break is on the old man selling Accords to middle-aged housewives. Everyone can use a few free drinks and shots at the bar on Daddy Warbucks’ money roll. The Smooth Talker: He may be an asshole, but he’s also the guy that saves your ass from getting arrested every night. He just flat-out knows how to talk to the cops. Whether they’re saying, “Sorry officer, it was the TV that was loud,” or “I’m sorry, but we’ll turn the music down, I promise,” or even “Everyone in here is 21, I swear officer.” This guy knows how to keep everyone out of jail. The Enforcer: It’s always good to have one big guy in the group who is ready to fight wherever and whenever something goes down. Some guy at the bar looks at you wrong? Go get the Enforcer to handle your business. The Wingman: You can’t do it (or him, or her) all by yourself. You’ve got to have some help from someone. That good-looking tomboy can hook you up with the baddest trick at the bar. This character does their best to help you out, whether that means diving on a grenade or just taking your target’s friends away so that you can have the iso play. The Local/The Specialist: If a bar is having $10 all-you-can-drink, he knows about it. Either he grew up in the less touristy parts of town and he’s privy to the good info, or he tipped the counter person may too much to get let in on the best secrets in town. The Photographer: The chick who LOVES to take pictures. On spring break, there’s sure to be some nights that you can’t remember, and even if you don’t want to see the pictures end up on Facebook, you still want to see what happened. If you bring this combination of people on spring break with you, it’s guaranteed to be a good time. This crew will be down to party, stay out of jail, and make sure you get hooked up with that dime piece from the University of Florida. Just make sure any souvenirs you bring back are cheap and plastic, not living and crawling around your pubic area.
5.) Camera Time: This is your moment. With every flash we want you there sticking your tongue out or flipping someone off. When these people go home and look through their phone and ask themselves “who’s that weirdo in the back?” 4.) Enter a Wet T-shirt Contest: Ladies, regardless of whether you’re a member of The Itty-BittyTitty Committee or chair of the May-I-Squeeze Association we say let them be free. It’s fucking hot down there… plus you get to keep the shirt. 3.) Be A Slut: Sure, she looks like a foot and you could probably swing from her armpit hair, but at this moment W.W.J.D.: What Would Juicy J Do? Since he doesn’t say no to ratchet pussy we advise you not to either. 2.) Make a Harlem Shake Video: Why the hell not? Just get over yourself and jump on the bandwagon. 1.) Enjoy Yourself: Goddamnit, college is rough and you deserve a little break. Make memories with your friends and do things you never thought you would. Just… try to make it back to campus in one piece. Or not. Whatever. We really don’t care.
tbs staff wrote this
[PartyPics]
From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What are you most looking forward to on spring break? “Salt life.” - Mason S., Senior
“The memories.” - Phil B., Senior
“Getting a tan.” - Amanda T., Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week alli d. loose change If you could bring a person back from the dead who would it be: Jim Morrison
Status: Taken Major: Psychology
Superpower: Control others’ minds Favorite Drink: Jack and Coke Tickle fight with anyone: Channing Tatum Favorite Shot: Starbucks Shot - 1 part Bailey’s, 1 part amaretto, 1 part espresso vodka, 1 part butterscotch schnapps Worst Drink: Scotch and cream What celebrity should be punched in the face: Kim Kardashian Favorite Holiday: Halloween Favorite event at Loose Change: Fall Bar Crawl or Senior Walk
Disney Character to hook up with: Captain Jack Sparrow How many people ask for your number on a given weekend: 5 People, but I give them my brother’s number and he messes with them How many 4-year-olds could you take on in a fight: None, I would never take a 4-year-old on in a fight Favorite party place: Midtown Charleston
the drinking game:
recipe for disaster:
beeropoly
Politically Correct Puppy Chow
There’s no better combination than Monopoly and beer. It’s like whiskey and Coke, a match made in heaven (or at the local bar). Beeropoly will get you drunk before you past Go!, and spending $200 you can’t afford at a bar on Baltic Avenue.
It’s a combination of chocolate, peanut butter and crunchy goodness. It’s amazing whether you’re drunk, high, or completely sober. Who in their right minds doesn’t love a great batch of puppy chow? This puppy chow doesn’t discriminate between black and white, but mixes it all together into one big mouth orgasm.
What You’ll Need: Beer and Monopoly. Number of Players: Two to eight. Level of Intoxication: Wasted enough to think the Monopoly money will be sufficient currency to pay cover and buy drinks with. How To Play: - Shotgun a beer before starting the game; do it twice if you’re the banker. - Take a shot of beer every time you roll the dice. - Beer bong a beer every time your drunken ass is sent to jail. - Chug every time you pass GO! - Drink half a beer every time you buy some property. - Sip a beer every time you land on a friend’s property. - When one player gets a monopoly everyone needs to take 7 shots of beer. - Take a shot of beer before picking up a “Chance” card or before reaching into the Community Chest. - Chug a beer every time you land on free parking or jail. - Take two shots of beer when you decide to sell a mortgage property. - Chug a beer when you go bankrupt. The Game Ends When: Does Monopoly ever end?
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What You’ll Need: 2 boxes of Chex cereal, 1 package of milk chocolate chips, 1 package of white chocolate chips, 2 sticks of butter, 1 jar of peanut butter, 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract, 1 package of powdered sugar, your favorite chocolate candies and a big ol’ pot. Cook Time: About an hour and a half ‘til snackage. Fatty Factor: Dentist recommended to cause cavities! Let’s Get Baked: - Place half the jar of peanut butter, the white chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and one stick of butter in a large pot. - Place the pot over the stove at medium heat until all ingredients are beautifully melted together. - Take the pot off the stove and mix in one box of Chex. - Place the white chocolate chow in a CLOSED zip lock bag, add in half the bag of powdered sugar and shake it up. - Place the bag in your fridge and wash the pot. - Do the same for the milk chocolate chips using the rest of the jar of peanut butter, the milk chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and the other stick of butter in the pot. - Let the two puppy chow mixes cool in the fridge for about an hour. - Once cooled mix them together and add your favorite candies in, like M&Ms or crushed Oreos. Always a great snack to bring to parties … or cuddle on the couch with while your roommate left you home alone all night for a hot date.
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Advantages of the Two-Week Notice jobless wrote this Jobs help. They give extra spending cash for booze, illicit drugs and maybe groceries if one feels like eating meals that are healthier than ramen (it’s not a good source of protein when the meat comes in powder form). Sadly, jobs take away a valuable commodity known as time, which could be used ingesting the alcohol and narcotics along with sexing the various undergrads around campus. So when work begins to take over one’s drunken sex time, it’s time for that glorious moment when one puts in a two-week notice. The two-week notice is a curtsey an employee gives to the person who will soon no longer be paying them, so they can hire and train another unsuspecting person to put up with their bullshit. So while the employer interviews and weeds out the various degenerates who are more likely to steal from them than make their business profit, enjoy the powerful vacation that is the two-week notice. For starters, the two-week notice allows the quitter to choose the days he or she wants to work. Let the bossy boy know ahead of time that you are just not showing up on certain days because of other totally avoidable conflicts. They realize those conflicts involve getting shitface wasted at Croc’s or shacking at the dorms, but it’s not like they can tell you to come in or you’re fired. You‘re out of there in a week by this point, so firing you would actually put them in more of a bind. Unfortunately, you will have to show up for the days that you say you can. It’s a burden, but money is nice and in a few days
you'll be jobless so the “savings” you have will disappear faster than Tom Sizemore’s career. But don’t let these days ruin possible drinking extravaganzas. If football block is in the morning and there is a work shift in the afternoon, make sure to go to both. Sinking into a hangover at work won’t be the most fun, but by this point you've probably learned how to work the system in such a way where a quick shot or two will keep the buzz going and hold off the hangover until after your shift. And if you happen to work at an establishment that doesn’t sell alcohol, how has it taken you this long to quit? Your boss will also come to realize that they can no longer give you the shit they used to. When “the bus was late” excuse is used several times in a row, they’ll just have to deal with it. Their ideology of yelling and scaring staffers, will no longer work. If anything, now you’re in the power seat to give them a little attitude yourself. Drop a few f-bombs or argue over pointless things, like not refilling the drink station or modifying your punch card by a half hour. Stealing is never appropriate, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t a really fun time. Try snagging a few extra dollars from the register before closing or sneak out the back with a whole tray of food. By the time they realize it, you’ll be long gone and there would be no reason to come back after you for it. Let’s be honest, an undergrad job doesn’t require that much training. It’s why waiters generally don’t put it on a resume unless they are applying to become a waiter somewhere else. Sure,
you can dismantle and reassemble the soda machine in the precision that James Bond can handle his Walther PPK, but in the outside world it’ll get you jack squat. Quitting this job and committing a crime isn’t really going to be a detrimental decision later on in life. Please email The Black Sheep staff if you have found a reasonable employer who understands basic human needs and does not make their employees feel insignificant every time they are in their presence. We love our jobs as writers, but it doesn’t pay and we have a deepening alcoholism plus a few bastard children to support.
The Black Sheep presents: the mike's hard taste test
Spring break is just over the horizon and college students the nation over are plunking down what little coin they have to make sure they’ll remember practically none of it. Well, The Black Sheep refuses to stand aside and watch college students waste buku bucks on inferior beverages. While many of the aforementioned beverages will start with names like “Keystone” and end in words like “Light,” there will be a brave, sad few who choose to “get the party started” with a novelty so novel, it’s hard to laugh at anyone who actually has the gall to drink it. Whether it’s a girl who thinks beer is “icky” or a dude who thinks purchasing it will allow him to get into said girl’s bikini bottoms, Mike’s Hard Lemonade will be flying off the shelves faster than Plan B.
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So, in true The Black Sheep fashion, we’ve bought as much Mike’s Hard Lemonade as our paltry bank accounts could afford. We have ten samples, and these samples were consumed during a blind taste test. None of the participants knew which sample they were tasting, but the testers ranked them from best to worst on a one-to-five scale, five being the best, one the worst.
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The categories on which the Mike’s Hard flavors were judged: #1: Mike’s Hard Mango Punch
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Billy says the puke tastes just as good coming up as it does going down!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: A liquefied mango Dum Dum Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: A sexy girl pretending to be a misunderstood outcast Notes: Though artificially-flavored drinks taste more like Satan’s asshole than the flavor they’re meant to resemble, Mike’s Hard Mango Punch proves the exception to this rule. Sure, it’s less “mango” in its flavor than it is, “orange,” but it is legitimately not terrible.
5
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#2: Mike’s Hard Cranberry
#3: Mike’s Hard Black Cherry
Initial Flavor: 3.7 • Lingering Flavor: 3 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 3
Initial Flavor: 3 • Lingering Flavor: 2.8 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 2.7
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes like the gummy bears Uncle Ben used to give me to get me to go to bed.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Cherry Luden’s cough drop diluted in Febreze Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: The bubbliest gay dude in the room
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Reminds me of the church wine I had during first communion. My stupid bitch step-mom didn’t even get me that Powderpuff Girls play house I asked for. I got the last laugh when she died from cervical cancer.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Prison toilet wine Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: The prim teen who thinks he’s way too mature for his age
Notes: Like the Mango Punch, the comparatively high marks have less to do with the drink’s cranberry flavor, and more to do with it not being objectively undrinkable. To say it tastes like cranberry is to say that cherries, or raspberries or shit, Taco Bell, tastes like cranberries.
Notes: Of all the flavors of Mike’s Hard tried during this experiment, the Black Cherry Lemonade had the best aroma -- a delightful candy aroma all but certain to arouse the latent candy addict in all of us.
Lemonade
Initial Flavor: 3.3 Lingering Flavor: 4.3 Wackiness: 3.3 Overall: 3.6
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When the second place drink in a blind taste test gets worse as the flavor settles on one’s tongue, this is not a testament to the overall quality of your product. Do you hear us, Mike’s Hard?
4.5
4
Lemonade
Though we’re almost certain Mike’s Hard Black Cherry Lemonade has the same viscosity and texture as other products, the consensus opinion was, this one was thicker than the other samples we tried. Note, this was the last Mike’s Hard we tried, so we may have just been, like, totally shitfaced on two drinks, bro.
3.5
3
#5: Mike’s Hard Lemonade lite
#4: Mike’s Hard Lemonade
Initial Flavor: 2.2 • Lingering Flavor: 3 Wackiness: 2.7 • Overall: 2.6
Initial Flavor: 2.3 Lingering Flavor: 2.5 Wackiness: 2.3 • Overall: 2.7
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes just like my Mom’s Squirt! What? I don’t know what a double entendre is, I’m not French.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Leftover Pledge in a huffing sock Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Overweight suburban cheerleader
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Like, I totally wish I had, like, four more of these in my mouth right now. LOL, shut up Kyle!!!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Lemon-scented Dial soap and vodka Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Virginal freshman female who quickly turns slutty deepthroat queen Notes: The flavor that started it all did relatively well in our blind taste test, though comments like, “This is tolerable” don’t inspire confidence in the quality of the beverage, in comparison to say, a beer. While many other flavors were sweet to the point of tasting medicinal, Mike’s Hard Lemonade actually burnt tasters’ nostrils like an aerosol air freshener would. It… it was weird.
Notes: Though it smells like teenage staple vodka and Sprite, Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite tastes exactly as one thinks it would taste: Like Mike’s Hard Lemonade, diluted with water by about 30%. Of course, this makes sense when one notes Mike’s Hard Lemonade has an ABV of 5%, whereas Mike’s Hard Lemonade Lite has an ABV of 3.2%. So, sure, save 100 calories, but know that if you’re going to get Maggie to go down on you in the back yard of your parents’ house, you’re going to need twice the volume.
#6: Mike’s Hard margarita Initial Flavor: 1.7 • Lingering Flavor: 2 Wackiness: 2 • Overall: 1.9
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Me no gusta tambien nosotros es un malo!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Burning garbage-scented air freshener Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Entitled Latina princess Notes: A good margarita is a pretty simple thing: salt, tequila, and a little triple sec. Mike’s Hard sure did get the salt flavoring right. Someone there owed the people at Morton’s a lot of money. While the drink tastes like a street after snowfall, it smells like tequila, in the same way a soiled diaper smells like baby shit. Very, very strongly.
#8: Mike’s Hard strawberry margarita Initial Flavor: 2 • Lingering Flavor: 1.7 Wackiness: 1.7 • Overall: 1.8
The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “After some nachos, a DiGiorno, and some Pop-Tarts, this would make a great dessert wine!” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Melted Fruit by the Foot Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Vaguely non-gendered Lot Lizard Notes: One taster described the Strawberry Margarita by groaning loudly, while another claimed it was “the worst.” Another gagged while drinking it. So yeah, there are still two flavors that are worse than Strawberry Margarita. The Mike’s Hard Strawberry Margarita wasn’t just too sweet or too sour, it was a sugary, sour mess of a flavor -- like snorting Pixie Stix with Sweet Tarts crushed up and mixed in.
2
1.5
#6: Mike’s Hard Limeade
Initial Flavor: 2.7 • Lingering Flavor: 1.7 Wackiness: 1.2 • Overall: 1.9 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “Ew, someone call Chris Hansen; this totally raped my taste buds.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Lime salsa found on the grocery store clearance shelf Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Divorced suburban mother watching Hawaii Five-0, dreaming of a vacation to the beach. Notes: Whoever is responsible for creating Mike’s Hard Limeade misidentifies “overpowering citrus flavor” with “exotic.” This take on limeade closely resembles childhood soccer game essential Ecto Cooler, though we don’t advise consuming it in the back of a minivan.
#9: Mike’s Hard raspberry Lemonade
Initial Flavor: 2 • Lingering Flavor: 1 Wackiness: 1 • Overall: 1.7 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “I don’t understand how other adults drink thick beers like this.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Carbonated cough medicine Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: Small-town cross dresser Notes: Primarily, “acrid” means, “having an irritatingly string and unpleasant taste or smell.” An additional definition of acrid has little to do with the senses, meaning, “angry and bitter.” Though the former accurately describes Mike’s Hard Raspberry Lemonade, the latter is certainly more apt.
#10: Mike’s Hard winter blackberry Initial Flavor: 1.7 • Lingering Flavor: 1.3 Wackiness: 1 • Overall: 1.3 The 17-year-old in the back of our van says: “This tastes worse than the time I tried a sample of my own period.” What artificial flavor does it resemble?: Grape antifreeze Where does this fall on the gender spectrum?: 14-year-old chain-smoking baby momma Notes: The lowest of the low. The Nelson Muntz of the Mike’s Hard family. It looks and tastes like motor oil laced with sugar water. It tastes more black than berry. A taster describes it as, “A carnival gone wrong,” which isn’t a thing as far as we know, but seems incredibly apt. It is not made of things found on this earth.
1
we interview:
AER
Aer, white-assed duo (as opposed to White Ass Duo, our threesome buttsex flick) David von Mering and Carter Schultz, are famous for slash-reggae hits “Float My Boat” and “Feel I Bring.” While on tour with similarly-styled artist Hoodie Allen, they were kind enough to talk to us on the phone about life, love, and the pursuit of…just read the interview. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you guys get started? How did you guys meet? Aer: You want to know the details, everything you want to know about? Well, let’s see…We met as football stars in elementary school, became friends, took music seriously in high school. Then, viola. TBS: At what point did you realize you could make money doing something like this? Aer: We get going into senior year of high school, everyone’s focused on where they’re applying, and we weren’t. It didn’t seem like the time to get involved in all that, so we decided to take a year off to do our worst. We did our worst, and now we’re here. TBS: How do you maintain a business side of a band that’s all about having fun? Aer: Well, I mean, it shows what kind of people we are. We take the music seriously because it’s our job. Our friends are in college and we’re not, and that’s how we pay the bills. For us to pay the bills, we have to be entertaining, we have to be fun and fresh and wild. It’s serious being fun. TBS: But with a job that’s not 9-5, or without a class schedule you have to hold yourself to, how do you go, “here’s fun time, here’s relaxing time”? Aer: As a producer, I’m always thinking of ideas. These past two days I’ve made four instrumentals, whether they’re going to be on the album or not. It’s a constant output of material we choose from. The commitment is there, the everyday love of it is how we do it. We live and do shit in order to write about it. TBS: How do you get from an idea to a finished product? Aer: It starts with a beat. There’s some kind of emotion or vibe or feeling inside of that beat. Then, there’s a phrase after the beat that sums up the lyrical content. Carter will expand on it—for example, “Floats My Boat,” there’s that phrase, “I do what floats my boat,” that encompasses the whole song, and we go from there. TBS: Do you write for your audience, or do you write for yourself, hoping your audience appreciates what you have to say? Aer: I’m in the middle. If I wrote just for myself, you wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about—you’d think I’m obsessed with owls and eagles. I like to keep the arc to myself, but I try to make it relatable and understandable for all fans. TBS: You’re touring with Hoodie Allen right now. What’s the touring grind like? Aer: It’s like going to a summer camp where you don’t get to sleep and you’re constantly driving. A lot of kids wish they’re doing this, and that’s what keeps you positive about touring. A lot of people are doing 9-5 stuff, and I’m stepping on stage for a job; it really keeps things in perspective. TBS: How did you guys get hooked up with Hoodie Allen? Aer: We’ve always been good friends with him. He reached out a while back saying he liked our stuff, and it took a while, but he invited us on tour. It came out of nothing, to be honest. TBS: Is this tour a new challenge for you? Aer: At this point we’ve got touring down. I know what to put on my packing list, I know how long we’re staying out, I’ve lost enough shit on tour, and I know we’re going to go crazy on tour. TBS: Do you think you can better connect with college students because you’re in the same age group, as opposed to say, Bob Dylan? Aer: Of course. Using social media—Facebook, Twitter, all that stuff, allows us to connect better with our audience. We also love to hang out at the merch tables after our show that lets us meet everyone who came out. TBS: What do you guys do in your free time? Aer: I like taking girls to the movies. I like making omelettes. I prefer Greek salad over Caesar salad.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
David bowie - the next day out march 12th
It's the return of the Thin White Duke, folks. The Next Day is Bowie's first new album in a decade, and it promises to be a strong addition to a collection spanning four generations. Sure, Ole' Ziggy over there may not have the "up-beat party time jamz" of people like Skyblu and Redfoo, but this is a guy once so addicted to cocaine, he would only drink milk and eat red peppers. He'd toss those shots (shots, shots, shots, shots) back like baby medicine.
God of War: Ascension out march 12th
The seventh installment of the God of War franchise acts as a prequel to 2005's first iteration of the game. Here, we'll see how Kratos got picked on by bullies in high school, left for college, got mad jacked, then came back to kick some ass and take some names at his 10-year high school anniversary. Yeah, you get them, Kratos! Those jocks deserve those wedgies!
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone out march 15th
The latest Steve Carrell vehicle sees the lovable doofus playing an arrogant Las Vegas musician down and out after his partner (Steve Buscemi) leaves him. Enter Jim Carrey as street musician Steve Gray, out to overshadow the former legend. One can only assume this flick is rife with awkward pauses and moan-inducing crotch shots. Or both, when Carrey...uh...Carreycter makes contact, only to find that Carrell no longer has a pair.
the crossword: spring break, baby! Across 2) All you’ll be wearing. 3) Two-piece beach attire. 4) You might get this kind of cup, filled with a daiquiri or something. 6) You just lay there. 9) This Mexican town may drive you loco. 12) Dad from the South 13) An all this resort is awesome. 14) You’ll need these, and Advil, to make it through the next day. 15) Because being a lobster is not cute.
18) A beach city, home to NASCAR. 19) Flying above a boat, basically. Down 1) Translated means “nest of snakes or pot.” 2) A practical souvenir. 3) An efficient way to drink a beer. 5) You will make a lot of these. 7) Capital of the Bahamas 8) Beer jacket. 10) A drink, and a popular activity. 11) The best part about The Panhandle. 15) An easy outfit for girls. 16) If you can’t opt for a plane ticket. 17) The second part of Sin City.
Meet The Staff campus manager Molly Griffin Advertising Managers Emily Weatherbee Writers Dustin Bertelsen, Mary Stewart Bailey Kevin Thomas Cartoonist Andreas Aristides distribution manager Cathryn Medlin Social media manager Lauren White marketing manager Mary Stewart Bailey
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pr/Marketing TEAM Zach Adamo, Mary Stewart Bailey Ewelina Wiacek, Dustin Bertelsen campus director Brendan Bonham owner Atish Doshi Founders Molly Griffin, Matthew Clayton, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Ave. Suite 1 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Destination: - Panama City, Panama - Ibiza, Spain - Compton, California - Long Island, New York
Lodging: - Teepee - Penthouse - Back of Truck - Jail Cell
Most Likely To: - Never go home - Go to the hospital - Have sex in public - Stay drunk for 5 days straight
Travel Buddy: - Lady GaGa - Ke$ha - Chris Brown - Kanye West
Run In To: - Ex-Significant Other - Ronnie from Jersey Shore - Honey Boo Boo - Barack Obama
Least likely to: - Get laid - Do mushrooms ever again - Shower during Spring Break - Get any free drinks.
Mode of Transportation: - Miniature Horse - Longboard - Cartwheels - Hot Pink Vespa
Contest Win: - Gnome Lookalike - Mashed Potato Eating - Booty Shakin’ - Tequila Chugging
Souvenir: - Herpes - Broken Keychain - Tribal Tattoo - Pet Snake
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
go tigers!
go tigers!
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