The Black Sheep
FR EE ... lik e sp see rin in g ’ bo bre o ak bie so ! n
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 5 • 3/7/13 - 3/19/13
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_clem
cancun bar remembers clemson hero
black sheep staff wrote this
As Clemson warms up for another spring break, many Redbirds are taking a moment to reflect on past vacations. For the some dozen students who travelled to Cancun, Mexico last year, one brave, heroic act stands above all the drunken shenanigans that flavor so many spring breaks. “Liz Warner showed us her boobs,” recalls senior Rich Wang. “It was incredible.” Several eyewitnesses, including Warner’s BFF, eagerly confirmed for The Black Sheep that, while waiting for her glass to be filled at Cancun club, Senor Frogs, thensuper senior Elizabeth Warner turned around to the patrons behind her and heroically lifted her shirt to expose her breasts. “I’ve never seen such courage,” Warner’s friend, senior Kevin Duncan recounted. “I’ll never forget it. ‘Tick Tock’ by Ke$ha was playing, and it was at that part, the one where she’s like, ‘The party don’t start till I walk in,’ and Lizzy just turned around at that exact moment and flashed us.”
me and said, ‘I think we cut in front of the guys behind us!’ I told her I wasn’t sure and kept dancing, but Liz turned around with the biggest smile I’ve ever seen and lifted her shirt to expose her bare breasts. She shouted, ‘Woo! I love you guys!’ and turned back around.” Added Morris, “I miss that bitch.” The Black Sheep tracked down the group of spring breakers Warner and Morris allegedly cut in front of at the bar -- a group of juniors from Virginia Tech. Did now-seniors Jerome Page, Leon Williams, Charles White and Sybil Martinez recall the event? “This little blonde chick flashed the whole bar!” Page said. “It was the most memorable experience of my college life!” “Did she cut in front of us?” Williams said. “What? Wait, did she? Hell, man, I don’t remember.” “She was the nicest person I’ve ever met,” White remarked.
with her boyfriend’s brother. “Day solay,” said Montreal University senior Monique Paschal who was at Senor Frogs during Warner’s heroic display. “Juh nuh comprend pa.” Paschal shook her head as if she didn’t understand why someone would expose their breasts to strangers. “Voolay voo be en parlay ploo luntumun, seal voo play.” As the first anniversary of Elizabeth Warner’s selfless, courageous, noble, valiant night of valor approaches, TBS caught up with the heroine herself. As of press time, Warner was heroically working as an assistant in a preschool in Utica and hadn’t had more than four hours of sleep a night in the past month.
Warner, who was pursuing a degree in primary education during spring break 2012, (she has since graduated), had reportedly stashed her bikini top in her Best Friend Forever’s saddlebag in anticipation of a later wet t-shirt Contest. BFF Sarah Morris remembers the event well.
“It was the craziest thing,” Martinez said. “I remember being really pissed about something, but suddenly there were boobs and I just got really happy suddenly. I think that girl rescued my whole night. I… I never got to thank her.”
“Excuse me, sir, you have to check in at the office,” she told TBS, valiantly. When we clarified that we were here to interview her about spring break 2012, her courage nearly faltered.
And yet, there are some who recall Warner’s selfless act of bravery in a different light.
“Janelle? Have they… Have they found her? Is she okay?”
“Lizzy has always had the biggest heart,” Morris said. “We were standing at the bar to get her drink -- I was the designated sober in our group that night -- and we were dancing and laughing, and then Liz turned to
“Ugh, what a slut,” said South Carolina junior Kelly Vargas, even though she has no idea what she’s talking about. “Who seriously flashes an entire bar? What a drunk whore.” As of press time, Vargas was sleeping
TBS clarified further and Warner became annoyed.
“It was like magic,” Duncan added.
“Who are you? Get out.”
When Warner finally relented to an interview while the preschoolers napped, she remained humble and oblivious to the effect her act or courage last year had on her fellow spring breakers. “Sybil Martinez says ‘thank you,’” we said. “Who?” Warner asked. We asked Elizabeth Warner to recount the event in her own words. “I don’t know, dude. I was so drunk. I remember dancing with Sarah [Morris] at Senor Frogs and I just flashed the bar. I spent the next two hours throwing up and crying for my mom in the bathroom with Janelle. That was… that was the last time I saw her.” We changed the subject so Warner wouldn’t talk about her (probably dead) friend again. “Do you think you’ll go on spring break again this year?” At that moment, a young boy came up to us, put his finger in his nose and wiped it on Warner’s arm before going back to his nap mat. Warner sighed unhappily. “No. I’m a grown-up now. I’m a… a…” As of press time, Elizabeth Warner was sobbing inconsolably in her classroom’s closet.
what'’s inside The Dungeon That is Johnstone Hall Let’s demolish that bitch and put in a 4-story Jamba Juice.
page 4
They Lovin’ The Crew Round up all your stereotypical friends, it’s time to go on spring break!
page 6
Advantages of the Two-Week Notice Leaving your job isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
page 11