CLEMSON SPRING ISSUE 6 by The Black Sheep

Volume 8

The Black Sheep

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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 6

THE BLACK SHEEP INTERVIEWS:

TILLMAN HALL

Justin Lee Campbell wrote this

Eclipsing the daily diﬃculty of figuring out what songs Tillman Hall actually plays, the renaming debate still divides the campus. Those wanting to rename it cite racism and the possibility that Benjamin Hall will return from the dead with a legion of racist goblins and re-segregate Clemson. Those wanting to keep the name make vague comments about tradition and warn that renaming it might provoke the Almighty Tillman to trap all who dare breach Bowman Field in a never-ending match of ultimate Frisbee. But what does Tillman Hall think? The Black Sheep sat down with the building for an exclusive interview. The Black Sheep: Hi, Mr... uh. Wow, this is awkward. Sorry. What would you like to be called? Tillman Hall: That’s alright, no need to apologize. My oﬃcial name is Tillman Hall, so in respect for the powers who control such matters, it will remain so… for now. TBS: Awesome. So, Mr. Hall, how are— TH: Please, call me Tillman. TBS: Okay, whatevs. So, how are you holding up, given all this name stuff going on? TH: I’m holding up well, thank you. When the news, the cameras, and the roaring hysteria start grating on my bricks, I distract myself by adhering to a disciplined schedule. Focusing on my duties of sheltering my fellow Clemsonites, promptly reporting the time, and playing beautiful music keeps me grounded. TBS: No pun intended, right?! TH: Excuse me? TBS: Well, you said ‘grounded,’ and you literally live… uh, never mind. Sorry for interrupting. TH: As I was saying, I don’t have time to referee a shouting match. TBS: You think it’s just a shouting match? TH: I certainly do. Passion is important, but so is equanimity. When people care more about winning than understanding one another, irascible mobs form and a cacophony of complaints drown out those trying to engage in an adult dialogue. It’s all about how to progress into the future, while honoring Clemson’s past.

TBS: No f***ing idea what you just said. Look, we need something other than a sleazy expose on skeletons in Brackett’s closets. Could you at least tell us if you want to be renamed? TH: Young man, I’m glad you asked. Yes, I want to be renamed. TBS: Oh, shit! This is money! I mean, uh, that’s interesting. Do you have a name in mind? TH: Yes, Ke$ha. TBS: I’m sorry, it sounded like you said ‘Kesha?’ TH: I did indeed, sir, and spelled with the dollar sign. Dropping it for that boring squiggle of an ‘s’ was a mistake. TBS: This really is money! No pun inten—…I mean, why Ke$ha? TS: It isn’t complicated. I just like her music. TBS: Really? What do you like about it?

TS: Her marvelous melodies are energizing, enlivening, and uplifting. TBS: It’s surprising, given your level of sophistication, that— TH: I hope you aren’t implying Ke$ha is unsophisticated! She’s the paragon of her profession! TBS: Sorry, dude. Didn’t mean to offend. TH: That’s quite alright. She’s just so... angelic. TBS: So, what’s your favorite song of hers? TH: “Tik Tok” – that’s my motherf***ing jam. Tillman spent the rest of the interview gassing on about his love for Ke$ha, so we’ll just end it here. Clearly, even the historic building has its opinion on its name change, but it’s hard to settle an argument when neither side will yield. Maybe we should just give up, stop caring, and name it Ke$ha.

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PAGES 10-11

WHAT WE’VE LEARNED FROM CLEMSON SNAPS

TOP 10: WAYS TO MESS WITH THOSE PESKY CLEMSON TOURS

THE 9 GREATEST COMEBACKS IN THE HISTORY OF EARTH

WE FIND STUFF AROUND CAMPUS WE COULD STEAL, BUT DIDN’T...

CORRECTING THE TOUR GUIDE IS ALWAYS A CROWD FAVORITE.

WITH MARCH MADNESS IN FULL SWING AND EASTER AROUND THE CORNER, LET’S TALK ABOUT COMEBACKS!

MARCH 25TH, 2015 - APRIL 8TH, 2015

THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

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PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

INSEXTURED SERVANT A person who, after screwing up a relationship, is kept around for sex to make up for it.

JAMES KICKSTAND

After cheating on me with that slut Kara, I made him my insextured servant. He owes me so many orgasms he’ll never get out of it.

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The All Important Non-Athlete Signing Day Dan Collins wrote this

National Signing Day for many Division I sports may have come and gone, but signing day for the rest of Clemson’s population has only just begun. That’s right, it’s the time of year when students who will later be seen on the intermural and club sports fields, as well as in classrooms and in the stands at football games, choose their colleges. This year’s class of unspectaculars has been ranked as highly as 6th by the Princeton Review, marking the fourth straight year Clemson has ranked in the top 20 of this ranking system we just made up. Here are some of the highlights of the upcoming class. Steve Buckman, Club Football: Standing at only 5’7” but still weighing in at an impressive 270 lbs., Buckman received zero scholarship offers to play collegiate football, despite a stellar high school career playing left guard. However, since his entire identity as a person in high school was as a football player, Buckman plans to continue playing on the club team in college. Buckman will presumably quit after a week when he realizes that playing club football offers none of the advantages that being on the real football team offers, as well as that playing offensive line sucks in general. Walter Thurman, Undecided: A highly-touted recruit, Thurman is still undecided on what exactly he plans to do with his college career. But, after putting up massive numbers in beer drinking at the college combine, Thurman figures to be a sought-after commodity by fraternities and club sports alike, as well as FCA, who plan to “save” him from his destructive habits. Kimberly Beckett, Football Fan: Outside of actually playing on the football team, being a fan is the most valuable thing a Clemson student can do. In the crazed fan category, Beckett is one of the nation’s top recruits. In fact, Beckett was voted most likely to appear as a spectator on an ESPN telecast by her peers in high school. This is mostly due to having, despite a miniscule frame, the biggest set of… vocal chords anyone has ever seen. There was a lot of pressure on her to live up to the hype at the college combine and she didn’t disappoint, putting up record decibel levels for a singular fan.

Chad Wellington, Nothing: Wellington brings essentially nothing to the table as a person. He is bad at intramural sports and is no fun to be around. However, it has been reported that his father, a multimillionaire, will be donating massive amounts of money to whichever school his son decides to attend. Congratulations, Clemson, for all that money will be going to you. Eugene Barnett, Intramural Hero: Barnett is the ideal example of the most important player on any intramural sports team: the worst player on the field. Once called “The worst athlete I’ve seen in my twenty years,” by a middle school gym teacher and “Not big, but at least he’s slow” by a high school coach, Barnett is the lowest overall scorer in the history of the college combine. His importance lies in his ability to relax the other players on his team because they know that no matter how bad they screw up, it’ll be overshadowed by Eugene’s awfulness. Plus, if they lose, he is an extremely convenient scapegoat. Highlighted by Barnett, Clemson’s 2015 recruiting class promises to bring nearly unparalleled success to Clemson over the next few years. In addition to those mentioned here, there will be thousands of students entering Clemson for academic purposes, though it was so boring trying to write about that we simply gave up, deeming it too depressing.

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What We’ve Learned from Clemson Snaps Erin Weingart wrote this

The time has come to alert those sad souls drooling as they scroll through Twitter that Clemson has a new Holy Grail of procrastination: Clemson Snaps. Each day, we are blessed with thousands of hilarious Snaps from our fellow Clemsonites. Truly the heart of the Clemson family is contained in this digital gold, which teaches us more about our classmates than we ever needed to know. We Are Animal Kingdom: Before Clemson Snaps, who knew that seemingly half of the students here were parents to a variety of species of animals? Perhaps the most noticeable are dogs. From the wrinkly mutt stuck in a couch to a cute puppy that annihilated his owner’s $100 futon, dogs are abundant. But animals in Clemson consist of more than just dogs. Hamsters and hedgehogs are tied for second in popularity. Even though their brain function is only slightly above a USC students’, something attracts us to them. Watching these rodents twitch in front of the camera for six seconds is six seconds well spent. Much Marijuana: Contrary to popular belief, our school does have a steady marijuana supply. Can Clemson be crowned as the Colorado of the South? From joints that are rolled for the drive to class to the massive bong rips we witness, our student population is certainly accepting of this once-taboo plant. It’s also incredible to see the ingenuity of makeshift “grav bongs” that people smoke out of. From a regular Dasani water bottle to an empty handle of bourbon, we certainly live up to our reputation as an engineering campus. Now that you know how many people could hook you up with pot you can stop being weird and asking random people on Yik Yak. We All Have Skin Under our Clothes: If you haven’t gotten laid recently and you forgot what the human body looks like, just take a look at Clemson Snaps. We’re college kids and which means we look the best we ever will. There’s nothing wrong with showing that off, right? From drunken girls with poor decision-making skills to guys flaunting the casual nip slip, Clemson has got some juicy stuff on Snapchat. Pretty cool that your boob (or man boob) may be screen-shotted and saved on your lab partner’s phone, eh? While looking through Clemson Snaps yourself, just make sure your professor isn’t looming over your shoulder. And gentlemen… don’t wear gym shorts. Beer and Bullets, Baby: Camouflage, Busch Light, and shotguns: Clemson students are living the dream! Others may call us rednecks, but who the hell cares? If we’re earning bioengineering degrees while simultaneously sippin’ on booze and shootin’ quail, then everyone should want to be rednecks. You certainly can’t walk out of class in Atlanta and go on a trip to shoot your dinner; sorry Georgia Techies, just stick to gas station hot dogs. Clemson Snaps proves that we at Clemson have diverse and badass lifestyles. The fact that you can trudge home from a night studying in Cooper on Friday morning and be out hunting in the woods by the afternoon is pretty fantastic. Though there’ve been many Clemson Snaps accounts, they all contain the same awesome shit. So now, it’s time to join in! Take a minute out of your day to snap a picture of your dog, then draw all over him before submitting to Snapchat. Or take even less time out of your day and drunkenly stick your ass in your passed-out friend’s face. Whatever you do, do it for Clemson Snaps.

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SKINNY DIP?

THE TOP TEN

WAYS TO MESS WITH THOSE PESKY CLEMSON TOURS Everyone hates those tours. The endless lines of confused parents and awkward grade-schoolers moving slowly across campus, getting in everyone’s way, and stealing all the pizza in the dining hall. If in response to all that annoyance you want to mess with them a bit, The Black Sheep has you covered.

WHAT YOUR FAVORITE CLEMSON POOL SAYS ABOUT YOU Lindsay Heyman wrote this

Warmer temperatures are right around the corner and that means the golden gates of our beloved Clemson pools are about to open. With the warm sun on your skin, a cold beverage in your hand and feet in the cool water, an afternoon in the pool is hard to beat. But which pool should you visit, you ask? Fear not, pool-goer, for The Black Sheep is here to help you choose where you want to spend your day of fun in the sun. Chimney: Chimney pool is more crowded than the last Red Route bus from downtown on a Friday night, but the way you see it: less personal space, fewer problems. You’re completely committed to keeping the idea of the Animal House-esque college lifestyle alive. You look forward to potentially seeing a nip slip, and the empty beer cans add a nice homey feel that just suits your style. F*** the police. Crawford: You’re just glad it’s finally warm enough to lay out instead of having to fight off the girls getting ready for formals or at the tanning beds. Why pay for skin cancer when you can get it for free from the good ol’ southern sun? Aspen: Chimney a little too crowded for you? Then swing on down to Aspen Heights! You’ll have eight new best friends by the end of the day because you won the wet t-shirt contest. You enjoy places where the liquor flows like water and where sunset means the party has just begun. As far as you know, nighttime just means it’s time to relocate to the jacuzzi for more poolside fun. The Woodlands: You’re no stranger to margaritas before noon, but the full-on ragers at other pools intimidate you. Why limit yourself to just chilling dangling your legs in the water when there’s corn hole, poolside flip cup, and belly flop contests to be had? And Summer Hits of the 90s Pandora is the only thing you ever want to listen to. Whether or not you live in the Woodlands, its pool provides the chill afternoon hangout you’ve always dreamed of. The Pier: You’re loyal to your crew and like the comfort of being around those you already know. You enjoy the ease of hanging with other people aﬃliated with Greek life since The Pier is currently the only housing community in Clemson with designated Greek housing. You’ve got your cooler painted with Jimmy Buffett lyrics, your name worked into the Jack Daniel’s logo, and “Fratagonia” proudly displayed across the top. The Pier might be a little bit further away from everyone else, but to you, it’s your own little oasis. Y Beach: Yeah, yeah, it’s not technically a pool, but it is a place where pool-like activities take place. You’re mostly here for the awesome Snapchat stories of your cool inflatables and your puppy playing in the shallows. You also make sure people know how much you miss the beaches back in [insert coastal hometown here]. So go forth, fellow Clemsonites, because it’s time to whip out last year’s bikinis and hope that your Bojangles’ for breakfast, Chipotle for lunch, Cook-Out for dinner, and Taco Bell for fourth meal lifestyle hasn’t had too visible an impact. And if it has, well, there’s always Fike.

10.) Take the tour: The first one is obvious, just join up with a tour and scream things like “You’re wrong!” or “Nuh-uh!” to everything the tour guide says. 9.) Take the tour with a really bad cold: That’ll make everyone feel uncomfortable. Also sneeze, cough, or vomit on all the big landmarks like the Thomas Green Clemson statue or the paper airplane sculptures. 8.) Take the tour as a racist: Put some old person make-up on and get your youngest-looking friend, say you’re a legacy and tell racist jokes loudly by Tillman. 7.) Correct the tour guide: Let everyone on the tour know the real Clemson, filled with drunk food havens like Todaro’s or Cook-Out and soon-to-be-regretted sexploits in the dorms when you didn’t know your roommate was still in the room. Then look at the hot mom escorting her daughter and say, “You know what I’m talking about.” 6.) Oﬀer the kids the drugs: This could apply to either the high-schoolers or the little kids’ tours. Just casually ask them if they want drugs, and let them know a place they could go or let them know its super easy to get PCP by the Horseshoe. 5.) Yell, “Beware!”: Dress up like you’ve just trekked across a desert and collapse near a tour before crawling the last few feet up to them and screaming, “Beware the cult of the nine!” Note: This also works with pretend time-travel. 4.) Lab explosion: Dressed in a lab coat and covered in soot, stumble out of Rhodes and act like you’re coughing up a lung. Scream “The solution is unstable!” and run through the tour, breaking them up and knocking someone down, grabbing another and shaking them before collapsing to the ground. 3.) Be PETA: Just run up to someone while they’re enjoying a buffalo chicken wrap in Hendrix and throw red paint on them. Loudly tell the tour how “Meat is murder,” and how you love that Clemson has a devoted, radical, left-wing student body willing to constantly fight for whatever they believe in. 2.) Haymaker: Especially if it’s the little kids and especially if they’re about to eat up all the pizza at Harcombe, just get a real long running start and jump forward at the last second and twist your whole body and just beam a kid right in his stupid face. Then push his buddy down and run out of there before CUPD shows up. He deserved it. 1.) Hostage prank: For this one, you’ll need that baby-faced friend again, as well as another friend in old person makeup. Have them take the tour, but right when it starts, drive up in your serial killer van, throw the door open, grab baby-face and yell “Stay with the tour or the kid dies” before speeding off. The friend in old person makeup freaks out and cries all through the tour, asking questions like, “Where do kids like to go to have fun on campus?” Tour ruined.

Austin Cope wrote this

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

or send them to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

ON THE STREETS WHAT’S THE MOST GLUTTONOUS DRUNK FOOD ORDER YOU’VE EVER MADE? ERIN, SENIOR

“I ordered a large queso from El Jim Bites with a few extra straws for sipping. There’s no better way to end a night out like late night cheese.”

CHARLIE, SENIOR

“I order so much drunk pizza so often that one night the pizza guy was so comfortable with my apartment that he came inside and put his pizza bag down so he could use my bathroom. He even forgot the pizza bag and had to come back and get it later in the night.”

KATIE, JUNIOR

“One time I woke up with a ton of spaghetti in my bed. I’ve also been known to snuggle a Chipotle burrito in bed. Lots of food ends up in my bed.”

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THE GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

FRIDAY! $6 Liquor Pitchers (During Happy Hour Only) $1.50 Mystery Beers, DJ Sha!

THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi Rolls, Wine Tasting at 9pm, $6 Bottles of Champagne

FRIDAY

$1 PBR Happy Hour $9.50 Liquor Pitchers Monday - Saturday! Burger and a Beer Night!

$7.75 Backstreets Burgers or $8.75 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers, Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

$2.50 Fireball Shots $6 Liquor Pitchers Happy Hour Monday - Friday: (During Happy Hour Only) $4.75 PBR Pitchers, $1.50 Mystery Beers, DJ Sha! $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Well Drinks Every Day!

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm Mon - Fri $4 Jager, $3 Fireball $5 Jack Daniels, 1/2 Price Apps

Trivia at 8pm! 1st place gets $25 cash and $25 gift card

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

$3 Well Drinks Every Day!

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

SATURDAY

Join us for ﬂatbread specials and college football!

$2.50 Fireball Shots $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

College Football on 20 HD TVs

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft, $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles $13.99 All You Can Eat Wings (excl. home games)

SUNDAY

Closed

Service Industry Night! $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers & random specials

NFL Sunday Ticket on 20 HD TVs

Book your next party at Larry’s!

MONDAY

All You Can Eat Sushi

Half price appetizers $8 for a Dozen Wings, $1 PBR $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

Burger Mondays! $4.99 Burger & Fries

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft, $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles $13.99 All You Can Eat Wings During MNF

TUESDAY

$5.75 Large Pizza, $1 PBR $5 Bud Light Pitchers Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

Taco Tuesday! $4.99 Taco Backets, $1 12oz Blue Moons

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

WEDNESDAY

Check us out on Instagram! @356Sushi

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $1 PBR $6.75 for a Dozen Wings Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

$9.99 Pizza, $0.60 wings, $0.50 12oz PBR

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi Rolls, Wine Tasting at 9pm, $6 Bottles of Champagne

Trivia at 8pm! 1st place gets $25 cash and $25 gift card

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

Burger and a Beer Night!

$7.75 Backstreets Burgers or $8.75 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers, Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

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THE GRID

SAT / SUN Open Early for our BIG EASY BRUNCH! Serving brunch til 2pm

FRIDAY! 24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99

Wednesdays: Trivia @ 10pm!

TUESDAY $4 Burgers!

SPECIAL NIGHT

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Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Go Tigers!

$6 House Liquor and Draft Beer Pitchers (4-8pm) DJ Sha!

THURS.

Ahhhh you’ve made it to Friday! Follow us on facebook, twitter, yik yak or instagram for more deals. TODAY’S LUNCH DEAL can be found facebook.com/PSHOB or @Palmettos_SHOB

24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99

Service, Service, Service

$6 Chef’s Special

FRIDAY

$5.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers

$0.50 Wings All Day!

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College football on our 101 inch projector!

SATURDAY

Open 7 Days a Week at 6PM

Open Early for our BIG EASY BRUNCH! Serving brunch til 2pm | $10 Bottomless Mimosas w/ purchase | Low Country Boil 5PM - Follow us on Twitter! Full menu kicks in 11:30am. Come #gitchasome!

Sunday App. Specials! Enjoy Our 20 Beers on Tap $5.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne, $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers

“Yes, we can”.... serve you a mimosa or cold brew today. Early too! Open Early for our BIG EASY BRUNCH. Serving brunch til 2pm | $10 Bottomless Mimosas w/ purchase. Full menu kicks in 11:30am. Y’all come.

Visit the Top of Tiger Town Tavern’s Private Club!

SUNDAY

Enjoy Our 20 Beers on Tap! $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers

Ask about our NEW Whiskey specials! Monday night Oyster Jam 5pm. Great prices on Oysters (raw or grilled) all nite! A newbie’s perfect time to try oysters....priced 1 at a time. Cold brew and Oysters... mmmmm

All You Can Eat Wings!

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

Check out our Instagram! @CUWinginIt

MONDAY

Yup, Still Private! $5.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne

NEW student friendly lunch deals feat. our daily Blue Plate Lunch Specials for only $6.50 includes tea! Mon - Fri. WHO’S YOUR CRAWDADDY? #PSHOB get’s Low Country Boil RIGHT w/ our special blend of Charlesonesque LCB & spices! only $14.99 tonight 5pm+

Karaoke With Fred Rock

Bingo at 10pm!

$4 Burgers

TUESDAY

$5.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers

NEW Daily Blue Plate Lunch Specials for only $6.50 includes tea! Mon - Fri. Take a study break and walk across the street to PSHOB! Try the Haystack and an ice cold beer at the bar. We’re located beside TD’s

$1 Burger Night

Trivia at 10pm!

Buy 1/2 pounds of wings, get a 1/2 pound FREE!

WED.

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

$6 House Liquor and Draft Beer Pitchers (4-8pm) DJ Sha!

THURS.

Open 7 Days a Week: Backstreet at 11:30AM, Overtime (Backstreet Basement) at 6!)

Enjoy Our 20 Beers on Tap!

Open 7 Days a Week: Backstreet at 11:30AM, Overtime (Backstreet Basement) at 6!)

$5.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers Open 7 Days a Week at 6PM

Enjoy Our 20 Beers on Tap!

Open 7 Days a Week: Backstreet at 11:30AM, Overtime (Backstreet Basement) at 6!)

The 9 Greatest Comebacks

in the History of Earth wrote this Dan Collins

With the NCAA Tournament in full swing and Easter right around the corner, it is truly the time of year for comebacks. Whether theyâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;re stories of late-game heroics in basketball, or a man literally coming back from the dead, the spirit of the underdog is in the air. With that in mind, here are the nine greatest comebacks in the history of Earth:

9.) Will Ferrell: Whether he’s been fired for telling his home city to go fuck themselves or he’s been horrifically fake paralyzed, Will Ferrell is constantly finding himself a massive underdog. Fortunately, due to his persistence, willingness to do anything (such as fight a pack of bears), and predictable structure of his movies, Will Ferrell always comes out on top, or at least fourth place if that’s the goal he set for himself. In the world of acting, there is no better comeback artist than Ferrell, an old, overweight, unattractive man who has, against all odds, become one of the most recognizable leading men in Hollywood. 8.) Rasputin: Rasputin was an ugly, dirty, Russian peasant who worked as a “healer.” However implausibly, he became extremely influential to the Russian Royal Family and was allegedly sleeping with the Tsar’s wife. Partially because of that, and partially because his bad advice helped escalate Russia towards civil war, many important Russians wanted him dead. Unfortunately, Rasputin simply refused to die. After an attempt to assassinate him via stabbing failed despite the doctor taking ten hours to reach Rasputin and operate on him, steps were taken to ensure Rasputin would die. After inviting Rasputin to a dinner party, he was given a lethal dose of cyanide and “fatally” shot in the chest. However, several minutes later, the guests at the party heard a noise that turned out to be Rasputin walking out of the house. He was then “fatally” shot in the stomach and brought back inside. Ten minutes later, Rasputin suddenly jerked, and was then “fatally” shot again, this time in the face. They disposed of his body by throwing him off of a bridge and into a river. According to his autopsy a few days later, Rasputin suffered a fatal blow to the head and had no oxygen in his lungs, meaning he may not have died until he drowned in the river. 7.) Big Cellphones: In the 80s and early 90s, when cellphones were just coming into existence, big phones were all the rage, mostly because that’s the only kind that existed. But, as technology evolved, phones got smaller and big cellphones became extremely uncool. Seriously, watch any movie where the characters have those huge 80s phones. They look absolutely ridiculous. By the mid-2000s, tiny phones like the Razr and the Edge were the coolest phones you could have. But, fast forward 10 years later and the big cellphone is back. Have you seen the iPhone 6 Plus? It’s big enough to look reasonable in Andre the Giant’s hands. Plus, let’s stop pretending that tablets are anything besides enormous cell phones, because that’s exactly what they are. 6.) Marijuana: In colonial times, America was as high on marijuana as any place in the world. In fact, the Declaration of Independence is printed on hemp paper, which is about as American as it gets. Unfortunately, over time, it fell out of favor for a multitude of dumb reasons that potheads incessantly bring up. By the 20th century, only people looked at as degenerates by society could be seen smoking jazz cigarettes. There were even those hilarious reefer madness videos being shown in earnest. Then, the 60s happened and all of a sudden pot was back in America in full force. With legalization of marijuana happening all over the country, it’s safe to say that marijuana is here to stay.

5.) Napoleon: Known better in present times for being short and the complex associated with him, Napoleon Bonaparte was once the most powerful man in Europe. By 1812, Napoleon’s France controlled nearly all of Europe. However, after a couple big defeats, Napoleon found himself exiled from France to the tiny island of Elba in 1814 with the Bourbons back in his throne. Not fazed by what seemed like insurmountable defeat, Napoleon escaped from exile and took control of the French government within a year in what had to be the laziest exile in the history of war. Unfortunately, his ensuing campaign to regain Europe failed and he was again exiled, this time permanently. 4.) America in the Space Race: After the USSR successfully launched Sputnik into orbit in 1957, confidence in American exceptionalism was at an all-time low. If we couldn’t get a satellite into space faster than a group of glorified Eskimo alcoholics, how great could we be? It turns out, very, as America responded by landing a man on the moon by 1969. To add insult to injury, we even beat them in hockey in 1980, going on to win Olympic Gold, thereby proving America is better than the USSR at everything, even things they love, but we hardly care about. 3.) Space Jam: The Monstars were very possibly the most talented basketball team ever assembled. After stealing the talent from some of the NBA’s best players, and Shawn Bradley, in addition to never abiding by any of the actual rules of basketball, they looked to be just about unbeatable at halftime, when they led 66-18. Somehow, the rag-tag crew of Loony Tunes and a minor league baseball player went on an unheard of 48-2 run early in the second half thanks to some creative schemes, plenty of Michael Jordan brilliance, and, more importantly, Mike’s Secret Stuff, leaving them down only 2 late in the fourth quarter. It took an implausible appearance by Bill Murray and some physics shattering elasti-arms by Michael Jordan for a win in what has to be the greatest comeback in the history of sports. 2.) Jesus: Somehow not topping the list, even this close to Easter, Jesus suffered several falls from grace, only to go out and redeem himself each time. Less than a week after being paraded in the streets by hordes of adoring fans with palms, Jesus was put on trial for ambiguous charges and sentenced to death by crucifixion despite doing nothing in that week to justify this massive dip in popularity. Despite only needing to be better liked than a murderer, somehow Jesus was found guilty and crucified. Jesus, not to be outdone, spent part of three days dead in a tomb, only to inexplicably resurrect on Easter Sunday, in what has to be the greatest magic trick ever. That or a miracle, whichever you prefer. 1.) Dinosaurs: Roughly 65 million years ago, or a few thousand if you are a creationist, dinosaurs roamed the world we now inhabit. However, due to a meteor or whatever actually killed all the dinosaurs, dinosaurs were never to return to this earth. That is, until they were discovered once again only 22 years ago by the scientists at Jurassic Park. While Jesus’ resurrection after three days is extremely impressive, the dinosaurs have him beat by approximately 64.999999 million years in terms of length before resurrecting, and that’s why they’re the obvious choice for #1 on this list.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E T OF 1 R SCO 3 OU

1. Health: Jonas Salk developed the first vaccine to combat this disease.

5. Money: What variety of currency does the Vatican use?

2. Geography: Cairo Illinois is a city where the Mississippi River and what other river converge?

6. Education: What kind of degree is a Th.D?

3. Magazines: Who graced the cover of the 2015 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue? 4. Fast Food: What fast food chain and friendly The Daily Show rival offered Jon Stewart a job when he announced his leaving of the show?

KELSEY ADAMSON

TIGER TIES TEAM LEADER

7. Movies: Which movie franchise sees Age of Ultron hit theaters May 1, 2015? 8. Booze: What makes a martini dirty? 9. Cars: What supercar company just sold the last car in its Veyron auto line? 10. Fashion: What type of heel is defined by a raised area under the arch and heel, entirely filled?

Kelsey’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Polio 2. Missouri River 3. Is it Kate Upton, AGAIN? 4. KFC 5. Euro 6. Something therapeutical? 7. My only thoughts are X-Men and Divergent 8. The type of alcohol 9. BMW 10. Wedge

1. Polio 2. Ohio River 3. Hannah Davis 4. Arby’s 5. Euro 6. Doctorate of Theology 7. Avengers 8. Olive juice 9. Bugatti 10. Wedge

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

BEER BOWLING

EASTER COOKIES, EASTER-STYLE

After barely surviving winter, it looks like sun—and the accompanying fun—are here to stay. Get outside and inhale deeply the fresh air. Inhale a 12-pack of the beer of your choice while you’re at it, too.

Jesus didn’t die for your sins (even you, Jews!) for you to celebrate Easter in your apartment sad and alone. So, eliminate the “alone” party by hopping to the store for some ingredients for Easter cookies.

What You’ll Need: Many empty beer cans of the same brand, some full beers of the same brand as the empties. A smallish, heavy ball, like a croquet ball or a bocce ball. Number of Players: Any even number under 10, split into 2 teams. Level of Intoxication: You and Homer Simpson would be pin pals.

What You’ll Need: Half a stick of butter, melted, ½ cup white sugar 1 ¼ cup flour, ¼ cup corn starch, 2 eggs, pinch of salt, 3 tbsp milk, dash of vanilla. Cook Time: 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: Your stomach egg will be full of sugary goodness.

How to Play: -Mark a lane. A lane should be at least 20 feet long and 2-3 feet wide. -On one end of the lane, have a member of the non-bowling team set up 10 cans in standard bowling fashion. 9 of these cans should be empties. One can should be unopened and full. -The player setting up the pins may place the unopened can anywhere among the 10 pins he likes. -Once set up, one player on the other team rolls. As in standard bowling, he gets 2 rolls. -If, in either attempt, that player knocks over the full beer, a member of the other team must drink that beer before he or she can roll. -If a player rolls a strike, the other team must drink a beer, and this player immediately gets another turn. -After two rolls, unless a strike is rolled, the teams switch roles.

Let’s Get Baked: -Preheat your oven to 375 degrees. -Line a baking sheet with parchment paper…if you want. -Combine the flour, sugar, butter and salt in a big ol’ bowl until uniform. -Beat in corn starch, vanilla and milk. -Beat in 2 eggs. -Now you should have a semi-crumbly dough to work with. Press into balls 1 inch across. This recipe should make about a dozen cookies. -Flatten balls with hands and place on baking sheet. Laugh and laugh about all the “balls” talk. -Place in oven for 12-14 minutes. -Remove and let cook.

The Game Ends When: Drunken people start throwing the ball, then Dave gets hit and has to go to the hospital. Laugh at Dave’s misfortune, everyone.

Yeah, take that Satan. Where are your stupid cookies? Probably in Hell or something.

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1) Dr. Dre’s Beats Electronics got acquired by this company 2014, for $3 billion. 2) Vanilla Ice was born in this Southern city. 5) Danny Brown was born and raised in this city. 6) Kanye West is often referred to as this, also the name of his 2013 album. 7) This R&B singer released his first album in 14 years at the end of 2014. 8) Puffy Daddy’s real name, two words. 10) This artist’s biggest hit was 2003’s “Right Thurr.” 12) Odd Future is led by Tyler, the what? 16) Destiny’s Child first hit song talked about this.

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