Vol. 3, Issue 6
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
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10/31/13 - 11/13/13
Clemson Student Takes His Own (Single) Life BY: Dan Collins matter how tragically short he decided to end it.
After being unable to obtain a single hookup who would put up with his drunken shenanigans throughout the fall, and with the threat of winter looming, junior Will Carlson has decided to put an end to his own single life. The decision to enter into a relationship has come as a shock to those close to Carlson, who reportedly had “no idea” his situation had become so dire.
According to his friends, independent Will was one the most fun-loving people you could ever hope to meet. “[He] was always down to get drunk,” recalls former classmate Chris Abraham. “One time during finals week, we said fuck finals and went to “The Elite” instead. He convinced the Carlson felt like a man who had “run out cab driver to let us bring a keg in the cab, of options,” according to a note he left and we tried to drink the whole thing, just the two of us, behind, along inside the strip with some tokens of his “I just wish he would have told me club. We got independent before he went and did it. I think I so drunk that I missed my life, including his collection would have been able to stop him. final the next of koozies , a I mean, I know plenty of easy girls day, and I had to drop out mystery key he used only he could have hooked up with and of Clemson… but it was tofor shotgunnever called again.” tally worth it.” ning beers, and “the pants;” all of which he would obviously no Roommate Jimmy Thompson rememlonger need. “I just wish he would have bers Carlson similarly. “Any time you were told me before he went and did it,” said around him was bound to be a fun time. close friend James Rogers. “I think if I had He would get drunk and embarrass himonly known, I would have been able to self every weekend, but do you think that stop him. I mean, I know plenty of slutty affected him? No. He would come back, girls he could have hooked up with and get just as drunk, and embarrass himself all over again. He used to hide in bushes never called again.” during parties, get completely naked, and While it is important to take time to mourn then run out and tackle someone. No one the death of independent Will, it is also thought it was really funny except for him, important to celebrate his single life, no but he didn’t care. Sometimes he wouldn’t
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even make it home he’d be so drunk. He would walk halfway there and just pass out wherever he happened to be. One time, he woke up on a park bench in front of a church. That probably should have sent him some sort of message.” “I just can’t help but think I should have seen this coming,” said friend Brett Weaver. “In fact, I can’t remember a time where he didn’t completely embarrass himself trying to talk to a girl. It was my favorite thing about him. You could go up to the
girl he had been talking to and any fully formed thought sounded like Shakespeare in comparison. It was almost as funny as it was pathetic. So how could you really blame him for sacrificing his independent life for the first girl who wasn’t completely repulsed by him? You know, for most people, girls are like buses; you miss one and another will be along in 15 minutes. But for Will, they’re like buses in another way; there’s only one, and she’s literally like a bus.”
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While it is sad to see independent Will go, at least we know he is in a better place now. “I just hope that relationship Will can become a better man,” said Rogers. “Obviously, a much less fun man, but better. I would have hoped independent Will and relationship Will could coexist, but of course, a Will divided against itself cannot stand.” When asked about the death of his former self, relationship Will responded, “She says she’s my girlfriend? And that we’re in a relationship? Is that why she won’t leave my apartment? Shit.”
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Shane from Tiger Town Tavern gets a little turned on by hummingbirds.
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