CLEMSON SPRING ISSUE 7 by The Black Sheep

Volume 8

The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

FRE som E! Lik e sl e sna eep gg in c ing lass ...

Issue 7

6 THINGS NOW FOUND IN THE CLEMSON GRAVEYARD Lindsay Heyman wrote this

It’s been quite some time since this May’s graduating seniors embarked on their journey here at Clemson. In their four years, they’ve seen the circle of life bring new things into the Clemson community while others are taken away. As the final graduating class to walk in Littlejohn prepare to assume their rightful places as alumni, now is the time for a little reminiscing about the way things were back in the bygone year of 2011. Here are 6 things that now rest in in the Clemson Graveyard. ePortfolio: This is one of the best changes anyone graduating could hope for. No longer do graduating seniors have to scrounge up a bullshit essay about how they’re competent in math, despite never taking a math class at Clemson. No more finding out the day of graduation whether or not you’re allowed to walk. The ePortfolio was the epitome of procrastination, and there’s not a day that goes by where the seniors aren’t ecstatic that it’s one less thing to deal with when they’re, you know, trying to get their real, adult lives in order. Clemson Crushes: Sure, technically the account still exists on Twitter, but people haven’t been able to wonder if they might actually be “Girl in Blue Shirt and Yoga Pants” since 2013. This short-lived fad has sadly become lost in obscurity. How many people actually found their secret admirers, we may never know. RIP.

mesh cubbies might not have been too jarring an experience. But, for those of you who had grown accustomed to the labyrinth of tables, the ability to have personal space was a little crazy. Too bad the cubicles did nothing to curb the dull roar of constant chitchat on the second floor. Farewell to you, old Cooper second floor. Hopefully in the afterlife you will become that which you always strove to be in life: a high school cafeteria.

a great oak gone too soon.

A second floor of Cooper without malaria nets: For any students relatively new to Clemson, walking into the second floor of the library the day they changed the layout from a sea of tables to individual

The Selfie Oak on Bowman: It was one of those trees you think would’ve withstood a hurricane, but one fateful day in 2013 it fell, forcing Clemson hipsters to take their hammocks elsewhere. As the hunt for a new tree with “roots that look perfectly outdoorsy in your Chaco-feet-selfie” continues, take a moment to remember the life of

Just as future students will never know the ePortfolio, Clemson Crushes, and the Selfie Oak on Bowman; they soon will not know the joy of walking in Death Valley’s stunted little sister, Littlejohn Coliseum. Old Clemson, you will be missed.

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PAGES 10-11

CLASSES WE WISH THEY OFFERED AT CLEMSON

SIX RULES REGARDING YOUR REMAINING ABSENCES

THE QUIZ: WHAT SHOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR MAJOR TO NEXT YEAR?

FROM BASIC MEASURING 1010 TO HANGOVER CURES 2050, WE NEED THEM ALL!

OUR GUIDE TO MAKING IT THE REST OF THE WAY.

WE ANALYZE EVERY PART OF YOUR LIFE AND HELP YOU DECIDE!

Under $5 Cook-Out trays: Since when did Cook-Out trays breach the $5 mark? One day a tray cost $4.73 and the next it cost a staggering $5.11. This egregious crime robbed its customers of the joy of paying for a full meal with a single five-dollar bill. Now you have to add a dime and a penny. Cook-Out’s business hasn’t dropped due to this outrageous price increase, but paying for your cheap, cheap tray doesn’t give the same warm and fuzzy feeling it used to.

APRIL 8TH, 2015 - APRIL 21ST, 2015

Littlejohn: It’s not gone yet, but it soon will be. Clemson’s class of 2015 will be the last one to walk and receive their diplomas in the Littlejohn Coliseum. It isn’t surprising that the Clemson we enrolled in isn’t the same Clemson we’re leaving, but getting to participate in one last Clemson tradition before that too changes must feel pretty good.

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PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

PINTURNT UP When a girl makes all the booze recipes she finds on Pinterest and gets completely plastered.

HONDO MACLEAN

Becky made 8 cosmos, 3 martinis, and 5 rainbow colored shooters last night. She was so pinturnt up!

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepffiti and we’ll send you a prize!

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Classes We Wish They Offered at Clemson Dan Collins wrote this

We’ve all finished signing up for classes, unless your plan is to just show up to the first day of class next semester and hope to finagle your way in (which usually works, by the way). But, imagine living in a world where Clemson offered classes that could actually help you in real life instead of teaching you how to bullshit effectively on three hours of sleep a night. Here we’ve the listed the useful classes we wish Clemson offered. Basic Measuring 1010: Tired of eating macaroni soup because you don’t know exactly how much milk to put into your macaroni and cheese? What about eating butter-flavored everything because you don’t know the difference between a teaspoon and a tablespoon? What about life’s dumbest question: why are there two units of measurement with such similar names, as if someone is trying to sabotage your meals? By the time you’re done with basic measuring, you’ll be able to cook ramen and dino nuggets without burning down every dorm on campus. By the end, your cooking prowess will have improved from pathetic all the way up to mediocre. Hangover Cure 2050: This wouldn’t be a bullshit class where they teach you how to prevent hangovers by drinking water in between your drinks (which obviously no one is going to do). The whole class would be hooked up to IVs for 50 minutes to kill their hangover from the night before. Then they just lie down and take a nap. Here’s the catch, there’s no one actually enrolled in the class. It’s first come, first serve, so whichever hungover students are the most motivated get that sweet IV. We don’t know how anyone would be graded in it or even how this is really a class, but Clemson would be a better with these kinds of resources dedicated to helping students in need. Television Sparknotes 1020: With this many shows on television, and the ease of watching them on Netflix, it is impossible to keep up with Game of Thrones, The Walking Dead, House of Cards, Better Call Saul, American Horror Story, Archer, It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia, and Arrow all at once. To

remedy this, Clemson should offer a class where they keep you up to date on all these shows. The professor would explain all of the pertinent stuff that happened during the previous week (with the best clips of the week thrown in). This isn’t as good as actually watching the shows, but at least you won’t feel left out of a conversation about a show everyone seems to watch but you. Earmuffs 1000: In earmuffs, learn how to use household items to block out all the unwanted sounds in your life. Hallmates having raucous sex audibly through the paper thin wall? Earmuffs. Construction inexplicably happening on every inch of campus? Earmuffs. Professor trying to teach you something? Earmuffs. With the help of earmuffs, never have to listen to anything else for the rest of your life. Simply enjoy the silent bliss of your own psychosis… with earmuffs. We know you’re tired of learning useless skills that you’ll never use in real life (like math and science), and you want to learn something important (like how to steal cable and eat macaroni). Help us get new, exciting courses by writing to the dean (or whoever makes up the courses), and telling them that you refuse to continue going to a school that refuses to teach us about the importance of earmuffs.

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Six Rules Regarding Your Remaining Absences Austin Cope wrote this

By this time in the semester you’ve already spent most of your excused absences on things like being hungover, cleaning up before a parent visits, or stuck on a bad trip where you refuse to come down from the fridge until someone stabs that cat in the throat. Well good job, that’s what they’re for. For all you who still have a couple left, or those goodie-goodies who hoard them until the end, here’s a quick list on how to spend your remaining free skips. Rule 1: No More Sick Days Sure, you may not feel up to attending class in your current condition. Yes, you’re vomiting and oozing from every orifice on your body, but at this point in the semester you’ll really regret using your skips like this. Drag yourself out of bed and stick that butt to a chair—don’t even bother getting dressed or showering. You’ll look so bad you professors won’t expect you to participate. They’ll even let you take naps in class. Really they’ll just be glad you stopped vomiting. Rule 2: Sometimes Clemson Rains Like It’s Trying to Drown Everyone On those days you can just stay in and get cozy with some Netflix. Don’t even get out of bed. Binge-watch whatever Netflix show all your friends have already finished so you don’t have to feel left out anymore. Rule 3: Don’t Waste Your Skips on Rainy Days If, on the other hand, you’re a sunbather instead of a Netflixer, don’t waste your skips on rainy days. It’s starting to warm up and you want to be embracing the sun and letting its warmth burn your skin just long enough to get sexy. So head out to the pool at your apartment complex, or Lever Beach for you shameless freshmen. Rule 4: Sleep If you have any skips left for classes between 8 a.m. and 11 a.m.—really anything before noon—just sleep. But who are we kidding? There’s no way you haven’t already done this, you lazy sack of genius. Turn over and go back to solving which of the passengers on the USSR Flying Whale is trying to sabotage UFC Champion Jon Bones Jones before his fight tonight! Rule 5: Do Something with Your Skips Don’t just lounge around and eat Bagel Bites, do something memorable! Maybe steal your friend’s dad’s Ferrari and drive it around; have lunch someplace expensive like The Blue Heron and then skip out on the bill. All this before performing a rousing rendition of The Beatles’ “Twist and Shout” at a parade downtown that gets the whole crowd dancing… Or something similarly exciting, but not necessarily from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off. Rule 6: Ride the Lightning Go crazy. Run around in the sewers and grab people’s ankles. Drive to the Clemson dairy farm and put funny hats on the cows. Challenge the Cooper bully who steals three desks in the library and won’t share study space. He stole the desk you and Diane were using to study and you didn’t do anything. You got punked and now Diane won’t even look at you! But tackling past demons you didn’t know you would encounter and getting the girl is what skip days are all about. Now go and have fun. The day you use your sweet, sweet absences will put Max Keeble’s Big Move to shame.

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THE TOP TEN

FAST FOOD JOINTS ON TIGER BOULEVARD Tiger Boulevard has an abundance of food that tastes amazing, but makes your intestines sound like the dying motor of a redneck’s pimped-out pickup truck. We’ve ranked the fast food restaurants on Tiger Boulevard from worst to best to help your next craving for a greasy mess.

5 WAYS TO MAXIMIZE THE FULL POTENTIAL OF THE AMPHITHEATER Adam Richardson wrote this

Aside from Cocky’s funeral (why won’t that chicken just die?), Greek Week dance performances, and flooding it for ice-skating, it just sits there, unused. To ensure that all of Clemson’s campus is utilized for the betterment of the university, The Black Sheep has provided five ways to maximize the full potential of the Outdoor Amphitheater. Yoga: Yoga has unlimited benefits such as: increased flexibility, physical and spiritual balance, and yoga pants. But the yoga classes could benefit from a few changes to make it more accessible. Classes should be three hours long, held sunup to sundown, and offered all year. Yoga practice should be allowed to occur simultaneously with other events — no ifs or ands, but definitely butts. Yoga is crucial for Clemson’s continued growth. It promotes fitness, mindfulness, and wellness... as well as yoga pants. Tabling: Thousands of footsteps pummel the Cooper Library Bridge daily. And legs. Table legs, that is. Sororities, fraternities, and other budding philanthropists compete for our time and attention, planting themselves directly in our paths while some blast their music are so loud we can’t even escape into our iPods. They redeem themselves by letting us pet enslaved puppies. We need tabling — we just need it elsewhere. The Amphitheater is perfect. Because of all those steps, only the interested would have a look-see. What’s good about a list of 367 emails if only three people respond? Nothing. What’s good about tabling in the Amphitheater? Everything. Student Auction: A weekly auction would enliven the center of campus with anticipation, excitement, and the terrific teamwork of greed and consumerism. Think of the endless possibilities of things you could sell and buy: laptops, subleases, parking permits, fake IDs, essays, copies of exams, someone to camp out for you in the Clemson/Carolina game ticket line, Cooper’s lost and found... we don’t know… puppies? Dollars would flow, and buyer’s high would grow. Public Shaming: We’re always hearing that our generation’s morals are in decline. Public shaming is a way to make our morals... incline. There’s no worse crush to a college student’s ego than embarrassment. Punishable offenses include things like asking a question right at the end of class, asking irrelevant questions in class, and asking… really any questions in class. Examples of shaming techniques would be making the offenders read aloud a list of their last 100 Google search terms, last 100 drunk texts, and last 100 Yik Yak comments. Airing of Annoyances: Talking about things you like about school is boring, but launching into a diatribe of complaints that the school should promptly address is awesome. Like, what’s up with Cooper’s one-way exit? Or why the hell can’t we use our printing allotment for copies? People could pay a dollar a minute for the Bullshit Horn and blare their complaints until the hate leaves their hearts. We’re always being told to make our voices heard, so grab that horn and point out those turds! The Amphitheater is full of promise. Imagine the scene of a captivating yoga class in session with auction puppies scurrying away from the ear-splitting complaint horn; which can be heard for miles blasting over the repellent solicitors while offenders fumble through their lists of Google search terms. The greatness of the Amphitheater is waiting on us. With that said, the very first aired annoyance should be the need of more yoga pants... and puppies.

10.) Long John Silver’s: Let’s get straight to the point: screw this place. The parking lot is the breeding ground for stray cats that eat garbage—which is what this food is. Who the hell eats fast food fish? If you go here, sorry… but you’re a disgusting human being. 9.) KFC: Everyone knows that KFC is attached to the Long John Silver’s… or maybe you didn’t know that, since no one gives a shit about these two places. KFC usually doesn’t suck, but when it’s attached to some fish joint, you can’t trust it. 8.) Subway: It usually wouldn’t rank this low, but being in such a poor location on Tiger Boulevard makes its ranking take a hit. Being all the way at the end near Lake Hartwell, Subway cannot attract the crowd it does on College Avenue and in Hendrix. Let’s switch up the Clemson traffic pattern and make it a Five Guys instead. 7.) Sonic: Sonic comes up in conversation sometimes, but it’s always passed up for something better. It’s kind of like that one desperate booty call that you have: You don’t want to go there, but when times are really tough, you do. Sonic is more of a benchmark for directions. Example: “Yeah, I live in Campus Evolution. Just take a left behind Sonic.” 6.) McDonald’s: The top dog of all fast food joints in the entire world, McDonald’s falters in Clemson; perhaps because we’re a bit too classy to hail to the golden arches. Also, they just raised the price of the McDouble to $1.49. When you’re balling on a (pathetic) budget, those two extra dimes are enough to lure you to a different place. 5.) Wendy’s: Wendy’s is kind of like McDonald’s pricier, slightly-less-greasy sister. Why bother going to the Tiger Boulevard Wendy’s when there’s one conveniently located in Bryan Circle? At least that Wendy’s gets all the drunken freshmen celebrating their newfound independence with a few new pounds. 4.) Taco Bell: People truly have an “I hate it” or “I love it” attitude with Taco Bell. Taco Bell has the ability to draw many of us back, since they constantly update their menu. Unfortunately, no matter what they serve us, it will always go in one hole and messily out the other. 3.) Zaxby’s: Finally, we’re getting to some quality food, though it will still give you a heart attack by age 40 if you eat enough of it. The only kick is that it can be a little pricy for the college student that could barely afford a $10 case of Busch Light. Nonetheless, Zaxby’s is a solid option. 2.) Chick-fil-A: This is a beloved restaurant across the southern half of the United States and it’s gaining popularity in the North as well. They serve breakfast, have excellent service, and their restaurant is always clean and well kept. Now if they could only stay open on Sunday… 1.) Cook-Out: Open until God knows when, Cook-Out is our #1. Our friends haul our drunk asses there at 2 a.m. to get lots of food for little money. The food may not be the best quality, but their shakes are pretty kick-ass. All hail Cook-Out. Eric Weingart wrote this

PARTY PICS

TWEET US YOUR #PARTYPICS!

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ON THE STREETS WHAT ASPECT OF THE OPPOSITE SEX ARE YOU LEAST JEALOUS OF, AND WHY? JUSTIN MIHALIK

“Girls’ hair, because there’s upkeep and it’s a lot of hassle.”

ASHLEY-MARIE PORTAL

“That guys have expectations amongst their friends to hook up with girls when going out.”

OLIVIA LINDGREN

“Guys’ responsibilities in relationships, because they have to always pamper the girl and keep her happy.”

THE GRID SPECIAL NIGHT

FRIDAY! $6 Liquor Pitchers (During Happy Hour Only) $1.50 Mystery Beers, DJ Sha!

THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi Rolls, Wine Tasting at 9pm, $6 Bottles of Champagne

FRIDAY

$1 PBR Happy Hour $9.50 Liquor Pitchers Monday - Saturday! Burger and a Beer Night!

$7.75 Backstreets Burgers or $8.75 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers, Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

$2.50 Fireball Shots $6 Liquor Pitchers Happy Hour Monday - Friday: (During Happy Hour Only) $4.75 PBR Pitchers, $1.50 Mystery Beers, DJ Sha! $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Well Drinks Every Day!

Happy Hour 4pm-7pm Mon - Fri $4 Jager, $3 Fireball $5 Jack Daniels, 1/2 Price Apps

Trivia at 8pm! 1st place gets $25 cash and $25 gift card

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

$3 Well Drinks Every Day!

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

SATURDAY

Join us for flatbread specials and college football!

$2.50 Fireball Shots $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

College Football on 20 HD TVs

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft, $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles $13.99 All You Can Eat Wings (excl. home games)

SUNDAY

Closed

Service Industry Night! $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers & random specials

NFL Sunday Ticket on 20 HD TVs

Book your next party at Larryâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;s!

MONDAY

All You Can Eat Sushi

Half price appetizers $8 for a Dozen Wings, $1 PBR $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

Burger Mondays! $4.99 Burger & Fries

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft, $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles $13.99 All You Can Eat Wings During MNF

TUESDAY

$5.75 Large Pizza, $1 PBR $5 Bud Light Pitchers Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

Taco Tuesday! $4.99 Taco Backets, $1 12oz Blue Moons

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

WEDNESDAY

Check us out on Instagram! @356Sushi

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $1 PBR $6.75 for a Dozen Wings Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

$9.99 Pizza, $0.60 wings, $0.50 12oz PBR

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi Rolls, Wine Tasting at 9pm, $6 Bottles of Champagne

Trivia at 8pm! 1st place gets $25 cash and $25 gift card

$1.50 12oz Budlight Draft $4 Long Islands and Blue Motorcycles Happy Hour 4-7pm

Burger and a Beer Night!

$7.75 Backstreets Burgers or $8.75 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers, Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $9.50 Liquor Pitchers

Twitter

@BLACKSHEEP_CLEM

OVERTIME PALMETTO’S Smokehouse & Oyster Bar Enjoy Our 20 Beers on Tap!

THE GRID

SAT / SUN Open Early for our BIG EASY BRUNCH! Serving brunch til 2pm

FRIDAY! 24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99

Wednesdays: Trivia @ 10pm!

TUESDAY $4 Burgers!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Need a place for your next Greek Party or mixer? Did you know that we own a HUGE EVENT Center only 6 miles from campus? Huge stage, Huge bar, holds 300 seated and up to 500 standing.... need we say more? Call Anthony at 864-810-7339 x 3 for more info.

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Go Tigers!

$6 House Liquor and Draft Beer Pitchers (4-8pm) DJ Sha!

THURS.

Ahhhh you’ve made it to Friday! Follow us on facebook, twitter, yik yak or instagram for more deals. TODAY’S LUNCH DEAL can be found facebook.com/PSHOB or @Palmettos_SHOB

24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99

Service, Service, Service

$6 Chef’s Special

FRIDAY

$5.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers

$0.50 Wings All Day!

Your Tigers Headquarters!

College football on our 101 inch projector!

SATURDAY

Open 7 Days a Week at 6PM

Open Early for our BIG EASY BRUNCH! Serving brunch til 2pm | $10 Bottomless Mimosas w/ purchase | Low Country Boil 5PM - Follow us on Twitter! Full menu kicks in 11:30am. Come #gitchasome!

Sunday App. Specials! Enjoy Our 20 Beers on Tap $5.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne, $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers

“Yes, we can”.... serve you a mimosa or cold brew today. Early too! Open Early for our BIG EASY BRUNCH. Serving brunch til 2pm | $10 Bottomless Mimosas w/ purchase. Full menu kicks in 11:30am. Y’all come.

Visit the Top of Tiger Town Tavern’s Private Club!

SUNDAY

Enjoy Our 20 Beers on Tap! $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers

Ask about our NEW Whiskey specials! Monday night Oyster Jam 5pm. Great prices on Oysters (raw or grilled) all nite! A newbie’s perfect time to try oysters....priced 1 at a time. Cold brew and Oysters... mmmmm

All You Can Eat Wings!

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

Check out our Instagram! @CUWinginIt

MONDAY

Yup, Still Private! $5.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne

NEW student friendly lunch deals feat. our daily Blue Plate Lunch Specials for only $6.50 includes tea! Mon - Fri. WHO’S YOUR CRAWDADDY? #PSHOB get’s Low Country Boil RIGHT w/ our special blend of Charlesonesque LCB & spices! only $14.99 tonight 5pm+

Karaoke With Fred Rock

Bingo at 10pm!

$4 Burgers

TUESDAY

$5.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers

NEW Daily Blue Plate Lunch Specials for only $6.50 includes tea! Mon - Fri. Take a study break and walk across the street to PSHOB! Try the Haystack and an ice cold beer at the bar. We’re located beside TD’s

$1 Burger Night

Trivia at 10pm!

Buy 1/2 pounds of wings, get a 1/2 pound FREE!

WED.

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

$6 House Liquor and Draft Beer Pitchers (4-8pm) DJ Sha!

THURS.

Open 7 Days a Week: Backstreet at 11:30AM, Overtime (Backstreet Basement) at 6!)

Enjoy Our 20 Beers on Tap!

Open 7 Days a Week: Backstreet at 11:30AM, Overtime (Backstreet Basement) at 6!)

$5.50 Bottles of White Wine & Champagne $5.50 32oz Liquor Pitchers Open 7 Days a Week at 6PM

Enjoy Our 20 Beers on Tap!

Open 7 Days a Week: Backstreet at 11:30AM, Overtime (Backstreet Basement) at 6!)

THE QUIZ:

WHAT SHOULD YOU CHANGE YOUR MAJOR TO NEXT YEAR? Take this quiz to find out what you should change your major to next semester. At the end of the quiz, tally up your points and head to the registrar’s office with your new major that you’re sure to enjoy a lot more than the one you have now. - Katelin Howell

Question 1: How often do you attend class each week?

Question 8: What’s the longest you’ve gone without taking a shower?

A. Every day! Why would I skip class? B. I think I attended class once, two weeks ago. C. Sometimes I’ll skip my morning class. D. All my professors take attendance, so I have to go every day. E. I go to most classes, but I’m usually hungover.

A. Maybe two days B. Two weeks C. A full month D. 12 minutes E. 24 hours

Question 2: What’s your favorite subject?

Question 10: How many times have you gotten drunk this semester?

A. Art B. Musical Studies C. Business D. Engineering E. Journalism

A. Too many to count. B. I’ve never tasted alcohol. C. Like… four times. D. At least once a week. E. An acceptable amount of times.

Question 4: What makes you the happiest? A. Shoe sales B. Happy hour C. Netflix D. Sunshine and fresh-cut grass E. Free food

Question 11: Who would be the best professor? A. Kanye West B. Robert Downey Jr. C. Helen Keller D. Napoleon Dynamite E. Coco Chanel

Question 5: What’s your biggest goal in life? A. Getting a job right out of college B. Marrying rich C. Pass my classes this semester D. Get into law school E. Show up to class sober, for once

A. Dazed and Confused B. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs C. Sideways D. Mean Girls E. The Devil Wears Prada

Question 6: What can’t you live without? A. The Internet and Wifi B. My favorite pair of shoes C. My mom D. Nachos E. A mimosa to get me through the day

Question 13: Whom would you rather marry?

Question 7: What’s your favorite method of transportation?

ANSWER KEY:

1. A=1 B=5 C=3 D=4 E=2 2. A=5 B=3 C=4 D=2 E=1 3. A=5 B=3 C=4 D=2 E=1 4. A=3 B=2 C=1 D=4 E=5

20-36 Points: You Should Major In Popular Culture:

This is actually a major where you learn about movies, celebrities and anything and everything pop culture. Who wouldn’t want this major as a daily “effort”? When you change your major next semester you’ll be watching movies and TMZ every day.

A. Albert Einstein B. The Most Interesting Man in the World C. Jennifer Lawrence D. Your hot professor E. George Clooney

5. A=1 B=5 C=3 D=4 E=2 6. A=1 B=3 C=4 D=5 E=2 7. A=2 B=3 C=4 D=5 E=1 8. A=5 B=2 C=4 D=3 E=1

37-52 Points: You Should Major In Fermentation Sciences:

A major in learning how to make beer. You get to make the beer, you get to drink the beer. Basically, next semester you’ll have buzz every day in class and that’s totally acceptable. You’re one of the lucky ones. You actually learn a lot about science and biology, so it’ll be super beneficial.

Question 16: What do you wear to class? A. Workout clothes B. Pajamas C. My cutest outfit D. Whatever is clean E. Sperrys, short shorts and Greek t-shirts

Question 17: What job do you want after you graduate? A. Working at an atelier B. Manager at Chipotle C. Bartender D. Actor E. Living at my parents’ house for free

Question 18: What’s your favorite TV show?

Question 12: What’s your favorite movie?

A. Walking B. Biking C. Riding a unicorn D. Driving E. Teleportation

A. Instagram B. Snapchat C. Twitter D. Pinterest E. Tumblr

A. Taco Bell B. Sushi C. Anything that cures a hangover D. Pizza E. Ramen

Question 3: What major are you in right now?

A. Captain Underpants B. The Harry Potter series C. Does Sports Illustrated count D. Vogue E. I don’t reed, u dummy.

Question 15: What’s your favorite social media app?

Question 9: What’s your favorite thing to eat?

A. Eating B. History of fashion C. Sleeping D. Math E. Not going to class and watching Netflix instead

Question 14: What’s your favorite book?

9. A=5 B=3 C=2 D=1 E=4 10. A=2 B=5 C=3 D=4 E=1 11. A=1 B=2 C=4 D=5 E=3 12. A=4 B=5 C=2 D=1 E=3

53-68 Points: You Should Major In Apparel Studies:

Fashion and shopping are your favorite things in the whole wide world. Now, imagine of doing that for a living! Switching to this major next semester will get you prepared to shop for other people or design clothes for other people. But you know you’ll still be shopping for yourself, all the while getting paid to do it.

A. E! News B. Mad Men C. Cupcake Wars D. Project Runway E. Workaholics

Question 19: What do you like to do in your spare time? A. Go shopping B. Get high C. Watch movies D. Eat E. Get drunk

Question 20: What’s your favorite college holiday? A. Summer break B. Christmas break C. Martin Luther King Day D. Spring break E. Thanksgiving break

13. A=5 B=2 C=4 D=1 E=3 14. A=4 B=1 C=5 D=3 E=2 15. A=5 B=4 C=1 D=3 E=2 16. A=1 B=4 C=3 D=5 E=2

69-84 Points: You Should Major In Cannabis Cultivation:

AKA growing weed. AKA the best major ever. AKA you’ll be learning how to make your own weed. AKA never paying for marijuana ever again. Don’t be frightened if the DEA shows up to one of your classes next semester, just act natural. Be cool, man. You should be used to that.

17. A=3 B=5 C=2 D=1 E=4 18. A=1 B=2 C=5 D=3 E=4 19. A=3 B=4 C=1 D=5 E=2 20. A=1 B=3 C=4 D=2 E=5

85-100 Points: You Should Major In Food Science:

You know you love food, eating is basically the only thing you do all day anyway. After you change your major to this for next semester, you’ll get to eat to your heart’s delight, cook your own food, learn about different foods from around the world and basically get a degree in becoming a chef. Honestly, what could be better?

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E T OF 1 R SCO 3 OU

1. World Capitals: Lisbon is the capital of what country? 2. Sports: What NBA player is the league’s alltime scoring leader? 3. College: What southwestern state school has the highest on-campus enrollment, with over 60,000 students on campus? 4. Television: What 1983 TV series finale stands as the most-watched non-sport TV event in the United States? 5. Science: Albinism is a medical condition caused by the lack of what in the skin?

LYNDON CORREA

BARTENDER/BOUNCER AT TD’S

6. Music: What rock legend assumed various aliases in his career, including Ziggy Stardust, Halloween Jack and the Thin White Duke? 7. Geopolitics: Which Central American country is looking to build a canal backed by Chinese investment money? 8. Food: What strongly-flavored seasoning seed, when ingested in dangerously large amounts, acts as as a strong hallucinogen? 9. Apps: Sex-finding app Tinder recently unveiled a premium service, what is it called? 10. Cars: What automaker brands its performance models with “AMG” designation?

Lyndon’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Portugal 2. Wilt Chamberlain 3. Arizona State 4. Star Trek 5. Pigment 6. Alice Cooper 7. Guatemala 8. Poppy Seed 9. Snapchat 10. BMW

1. Portugal 2. Kareem Abdul-Jabbar 3. Arizona State 4. M.A.S.H 5. Pigment 6. David Bowie 7. Nicaragua 8. Nutmeg 9. Tinder Plus 10. Mercedes

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

POST-LENT DISASTER

KOSHER CORN DOGS

So you gave up drinking for Lent like an idiot, eh? This week’s going to be one hell of a ride for your gut and your roommates. But tonight it’s time to take out your 40-day frustration on the place that put you in this bind to begin with. You’re going back to church to show them the mess they’ve created.

Oy vey! We’re in the midst of Passover and you’ve got a taste for corn dogs? Lucky enough, you’ve got The Black Sheep to help you out in making those bad boys kosher. They may not end up being corn dogs, but we guarantee you’ll have something in your dogs.

What You’ll Need: 30-rack of God’s greatest creation: beer, and penance for what’s about to happen. Number of Players: The father, the son, and your case of holy spirits.

What You’ll Need: Your favorite kosher food, corn meal, flour, sugar, baking powder, milk, salt, pepper and eggs, hot oil, tasteful imagination. Fatty Factor: It’s better than eating grandma’s matzo ball soup!

The Game Ends When: You cut the communion line and chug all the wine, burp, and yell, “ONLY GOD CAN JUDGE ME” then leave.

Let’s Get Baked: -Combine 1 cup corn meal, 1 cup flour, ¼ cup sugar, 4 tablespoons of baking powder and a dash of salt and pepper. -Add one cup milk and an egg to the above mix. You now have your batter. - Take your favorite foods (mine is pizza, so we’ll go with that) and prepare them as usual. - Once your pizza sauce and cheese are warmed up, mix them together. - Dip your pizza in the batter. -Place it in hot oil for about 3 minutes. - Let it cool down and eat away, guilt free (imagine that what you just made is not a pizza roll, but a corn dog instead.)

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NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Level of Intoxication: Your stomach will need its own salvation tomorrow morning. How to Play: - It’s been a few weeks, so start oﬀ with a cool 10 beers at home before you leave. - Make the pilgrimage to the nearest church and have your own tailgate on the front steps. - Drink twice for every sucker who walks inside. - By the time someone asks you to leave, you should be drunk enough to make them think you’re speaking in tongues. - Astonished, they will invite you inside. Drink every time someone yells out amen.

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FAMOUS JESSES AND JESSICAS CROSSWORD ACROSS: 2) Kathleen Turner voiced this sexy 1988 cartoon Jessica, which was what kind of animal? 5) Walter White’s partner is crime, Jesse who? 6) This Jesse is one of the most influential civil rights activists. 10) This actress plays Jess on New Girl. 12) Jessica Simpson’s famous lip-syncing sister. 13) Jesse Ventura was a professional wrestler and 38th governor of which state? 14) Jesse Williams played which doctor on Grey’s Anatomy? 15) Jessica Alba was the star of this James Cameron television series, two words. 16) Jessie J’s 2014 album, Sweet what? 17) Jessica Tandy starred as the main character in this 1989 comedy-drama, three words. DOWN: 2) Jessica Lange made her film debut in this 1976 thriller, two words. 3) This Jesse became synonymous with Mark Zuckerberg. 4) The hit 1981 song “Jessie’s Girl” was written by Rick who? 7) This Jessica was the star of 2012’s Zero Dark Thirty. 8) Possibly the most famous criminal, two words. 9) Jessica Biel’s new last name, as of 2012. 11) Which Jesse played John Rowland on Desperate Housewives?

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