Clemson - Issue 7 - 4/10/2014 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

AFT

Vol. 4, Issue 7

THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE

S FRE ER CENT O E... LI LEA K V I N N YO U E T H E G A R CL DAN OTH K H ES EAD SH

OP.

4/10/14 - 4/23/14

THOROUGHLY AVERAGE GIRL WEARS YOGA PANTS, CLEMSON GOES WILD HASHTAGSRAT WROTE THIS What Lauren Greenberg described as a “lazy day outfit” caused a huge campus frenzy this Monday, as Clemson broke into mayhem over the sight of a girl in yoga pants. Oft described in such glowing terms as “God’s gift to ass,”“Not for fat chicks,” and “Spank bank inspiration,” what good yoga pants do for the wearer’s derriere has been well established. Perfectly tight and flattering, yoga pants have served as a godsend for both men and women nationwide, allowing young ladies a comfortable alternative to real pants, and allowing young men to essentially see a naked ass in public—a true win-win for all involved. While Greenberg knew that yoga pants were a garment beloved by all, she didn’t think that wearing them would spawn a campus-wide craze. “Honestly, I hadn’t shaved my legs in a week, and had worn all of my leggings, jeans, and Norts— these were my last stand pants before I was forced to do laundry. I looked kind of grimy—I didn’t think I’d be getting any second looks.” Greenberg, a self-described “mediocrelooking” young woman, was first alerted to just how arousing she looked in yoga pants when a series of young men started heckling her as she walked up the staircase in Hendrix. At first, thinking it was par for the course sexual harassment, she went her way; however, when a young man passed out in pure ecstasy upon the sight of Greenberg’s ass in yoga pants, she became truly embroiled in Monday’s up-

rising. Throughout the day, wherever she went, young men shouted at her, some bursting out into total Beatlemania tears, others vomiting in shock at their arousal. Lauren wasn’t particularly fazed by these more passive means of expressing desire, but found herself distinctly uncomfortable when young men began touching her. Viewing the tight pants as an invitation, particularly cheeky young men reached out to literally grab her ass as she walked by, causing one young man, Marshall Lowndes, to lose his balance and catch his weight on his wrist, breaking it in two places. Marshall, who spent the rest of the day at AnMed Medical Center in Anderson, described the sight of Greenberg walking past as, “Like a strange hallucination. I know she’s not that cute, and kind of fat, but man, the sight of a girl’s butt…you just lose control, you know? Like you can’t help yourself when you’re that aroused. So I just went for it, and came out of this, like, frenzy, when I fell on my wrist. It was on the middle of Library Bridge too—super embarrassing.” The most appalling incident, by far, occurred in one of Greenberg’s morning classes. As she walked into her classroom a few minutes late her professor turned to reprimand her; however, catching a glimpse of Greenberg in yoga pants caused him to totally abandon professional conduct and to pontificate to his class for the entirety of the class period about how aroused he was by her. Mortified, Green-

berg ran from the classroom. Greenberg explained that initially she found the attention harmless, if a little overwrought, stating, “I didn’t think my ass was that impressive; at first, all of the attention gave me a confidence boost. However, as the day dragged on, I found all of the attention to be embarrassing for both me and for the Clemson male population. Are they really that beholden to their sexual

urges that they absolutely lose their shit when they see a thoroughly average ass in tight pants?” and adding that “most of those guys need to get laid, pronto.” Greenberg also expressed concern over being so blatantly objectified, stating, “I guess that those guys are just really sexually frustrated or something, but what I wear shouldn’t be an invitation for guys to like heckle me, or touch me, or talk about how

PAGE 5 IDEAL STUDENT ACCEPTED INTO EVERY INTERNSHIP YOU WEREN’T

PAGE 6 TOP 10: BOREDOM CURES FOR A DEAD WEEKEND

THE FEELING OF WANTING TO PUNCH HIM IS NATURAL.

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they want to have sex with me in public. It was kind of uncomfortable, especially considering that they were all dweebs. It was pretty presumptuous of them to assume I’d get with them anyway.” When asked if she’d ever wear yoga pants again, Lauren said that she probably wouldn’t, but she wouldn’t throw the pair away for good: “If I ever need to cause a riot, now I know how.”

PAGES 10-11 JESUS OF BLAZERETH EASTER CONVENIENTLY LANDS ON 4/20 THIS YEAR, WHICH MADE US THINK SOME DEEP THOUGHTS, MAN.

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JUST THE TIPS: FRATERNITY COOLERS DOS AND DON’TS CLEMSONBAB WROTE THIS It goes without question that we would happily relive the shit show of a week that was spring break rather than bust our asses preparing for finals. So, what better way to relive SB2K14 than by spending a weekend getting hammered on the beach with a bunch of frat bros and their practically naked dates?

DON’T: Pastel it out: When in doubt, do not pastel it out. To the typical sorority girl’s eye, pastels are a staple go-to for any and all forms of crafting. Yes, pastels are absolutely adorable when you’re crafting for big/little week. However, what you think makes his cooler super cute will make him look super emasculated.

For you girls, it’s a lucky invite for a free weekend getaway, but with that sweet deal comes the expectation to make the dreaded fraternity formal cooler. Hours of sleepless nights spent attempting to turn a piece of plastic into a frat boy version of a Picasso masterpiece isn’t exactly a small price to pay for a drunken few days in a shitty beach house. So here are a few do’s and don’ts from The Black Sheep to ensure that your cooler meets the mark…or at least isn’t the shittiest one at the party.

DO: Show him the alcohol: Slap a handmade interpretation of his favorite alcoholic drink somewhere on there, whether it’s in the form a logo, a clever saying, or a painting of the bottle itself. And make sure you actually fill that kick-ass cooler with his favorite alcoholic beverage; leave the Natty and Busch in Clemson.

D O : Pe r s o n a l i ze, p e r s o n a l i ze, personalize: When it comes to cooler painting, the more personal you make it, the more he’ll love it. Even the most halfassed personalized coolers look better than the “just-in-case-I-hopefully-get-asked-toformal” cooler made by that desperate girl with too much free time.

DON’T: Draw the cutesy cartoon: Guys would much rather have something along of the lines of, “Dressed up to get messed up,” written somewhere on there rather than a cartoon version of the expected southern gentleman attire. It’s best you keep the bowties around his neck where they belong. DO: Pretend to know sports: A top-notch cooler needs to display his manhood, and nothing screams alpha-male-macho-man

more than the love and pride he has for his favorite sports team. Whether it’s NBA, NFL, NHL, if you’re “thoughtful” and “knowledgeable” enough to throw in his love for sports, he’ll be thoughtful and knowledgeable enough to buy you a t-shirt when the weekend’s over. DON’T: Declare your love: As cute as you find that cooler with the two crabs kissing, one with a bow sporting your letters, the other with a bowtie sporting his, your date does not want that on his cooler. Unless he’s your boyfriend. Then, really he has no choice. DO: Tell him he’s frat: You can never go wrong painting anything involving Vineyard Vines, Patagonia, or Southern Tide considering any Clemson fraternity boy wouldn’t be caught dead wearing anything other than a button-down and khakis. He wants people to know he wears nothing but the best, so dress his cooler in nothing but the best. DON’T: Copycat: If you’ve spotted that perfect cooler on Cooler Connection, chances are hundreds if not thousands of other girls have spotted it too. And spoiler,

they’re going to do it better than you. So bring out your creative side and watch your boy swoon. DO: Make him remember: Odds are this weekend will be nothing but one fuzzy blur of shotgunning Busch Lights and a sunburn redder than the devil’s ass, so he’s going to want the year and the location of the beach weekend somewhere on there,

too. DON’T: Stress: The most vexing part of the entire cooler painting process? Your date doesn’t care what his cooler looks like. He invited you because you’re super fun and cool and really pretty, not because he heard you make a mean canvas. Plus, the thing is chipped before you even unload the car.

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IDEAL CLEMSON STUDENT ACCEPTED INTO EVERY INTERNSHIP YOU WEREN’T STAFF WROTE THIS As April rolls in, the calm spring winds are probably already drying your sopping wet cheeks from incessantly sobbing over one internship rejection after another. Usually, the blow of professional disappointment is softened when word comes around that none of your friends have landed any of their prestigious, career-starting pathways out of their parents’ houses yet either. This year, however, students all over campus are sharing a collective contempt for that one over-qualified sonofabitch who just happened to land every dream internship they didn’t. “Like, of course that smug asshole gets to work at Google for the summer,” remarked Greg Innis, a junior in computer science. “Seriously, how could the internship advisors over there pick such an abhorrent prick? No matter what MP me and the other guys in CS work on, he never complains about our professors with us. He just, like a complete and total asshole, does the

work thoroughly without so much as a peep of discontent, and even throws in some lame-ass ‘innovative solution’ on top of it. He makes more work for himself. What a chode, for crissake.” The Clemson student who has indirectly crushed the summer dreams of many a well-balanced and qualified student is now forced with the decision to decide from thousands of internships across all disciplines. Ranging from working with underprivileged kids in rough neighborhoods to aiding with intensive neuropsychological research, the campus-proclaimed “Douchebag of the Summer” has been relatively quiet about his accomplishments, only going so far as to call his parents about his success and reply honestly when people ask him, “So, what are you doing this summer?” “He got into Leo Burnett. Leo FUCKING Burnett,” wailed Stephanie Birmingham, a junior in advertising.

“That agency has been the only place I have applied to for the past three years of my life, and I couldn’t even tell you how extensive my portfolio is with one social media managing internship after another. But what does that selfish shitstain do? He goes ahead and designs his own personal website that looks leagues better than my professional Tumblr. Like, it has slickly designed widgets and everything. The kid’s not even an ad major, I don’t get it. Landing this internship was my dream, and he literally took the biggest post-Chipotle shit all over it. Now I might have to settle for freelancing …” Student reports have claimed that the internship-studded student is very confident and focused in terms of his strengths, but it would help if he wasn’t such a “pompous asshat” about it. Outside of exceling in his studies, the student also holds leadership positions in a few clubs on campus, which is not unlike the average col-

lege student. However, what turns the student population off is the fact that he makes it seem like he genuinely enjoys the added stress without considering how it boosts his resume. “Do you honestly think I give two shits about the publication I’m working at right now?” commented a disgruntled The Tiger News editor after learning that the rival student landed a coveted editorial spot at The New Yorker. “I could care less about the integrity of half the ramblings that get posted in this paper. All I want companies to see is the big, bold “EDITOR of whatever” on my LinkedIn. But this fucking guy, I tell you … I have to walk past him every single time he walks to and from one of his organization meetings … always smiling. He said ‘hello’ to me last time I passed him, and I literally began thinking of ways to eviscerate him on the spot and choke him with his own intestines.”The editor abruptly left the interview shortly thereafter, claiming that he needed to channel

his un-supported and tasteless anger through another opinion piece. We were able to speak with the university’s most deplored student as he was catching up on some emails at Einstein Bros., passively dodging epithets and hate speech from passing students that even we can’t legally print. The student claimed that he was “shocked” to have received acceptance letters from all of his internship applications, and that he felt “truly blessed and lucky” to see his hard

work pay off at this crucial point in his life. He also mentioned that he hoped for “nothing but the best” for any of his fellow students feeling a little discouraged and that they should “continue to seize the day and turn yesterday’s failure into tomorrow’s success.” As a staff full of writers who will be spending our summer making a few issues filled with uninspired dick jokes and townie-pandering humor, we at The Black Sheep concur that, yes, what a complete and total asshole.

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AROUND CAMPUS

THE

TOP

TEN

BOREDOM CURES FOR A DEAD WEEKEND COURTNEY PAUL WROTE THIS

We all know that Clemson piles in thousands of college coeds, townies, families, and, of course, USC fans wannabe Clemson students, into its tiny campus during the fall. But spring rolls around, and the masses disappear right along with Dabo’s beautiful face. So, while spring can seem hopelessly devoid of fun parties (thanks, formals you didn’t get invited to) and that crazy Clemson atmosphere we hold so dear, there is still plenty to do. Here are the top ten things to do during a dead weekend, Clemson-style: 10.) Hitch a ride home: Nothing like free laundry, a meal that you don’t have to chase with Tums, and plenty of pet Instagram opps. And if you don’t live close enough to drive home, find someone who does. A shared family is almost as good as your real one. And maybe even better. You didn’t hear that from us.

DRUNKEN MORON

FIXES ECONOMY DAN COLLINS WROTE THIS According to a poll that may or may not exist, most people’s greatest fear in life, above even giant living Mr. Potato Heads, is public speaking. This is why it is vital that Clemson requires all of its students to complete either COMM 150 or COMM 250 in order to graduate. So, Sean Dutton entered his COMM 250 class this semester with the fervor of a dead dog. After surviving the first few weeks unscathed, Dutton finally realized his hatred for public speaking after delivering an informative speech that was “the worst thing I have ever seen. And I once walked in on my grandparents mid-coitis,” commented an anonymous classmate. Thus, with his persuasive speech looming, Dutton knew he had to do something. “I decided that the only way I could get through the speech without a complete nervous breakdown was if I did it drunk,” said Dutton. “So, I woke up at 8a.m. on the day of the speech and started drinking.” The next thing Dutton knew, he awoke on his couch in complete darkness. “I figured I had gotten too drunk and missed the speech,” said Dutton. “So I emailed my teacher asking if we could meet up.” When they met, however, Dutton was in for a massive surprise. “I went to her office and told her I would do anything for another opportunity, and I told her, ‘I mean anything’” said Dutton, winking. “But she was confused. She told me that mine was the best persuasive speech she had ever heard. In fact, she said my views on fixing the economy were genius, and that, after consulting with the economics department, they had gotten me a slot to speak on the United States Senate floor to present my ideas.” Considering that Dutton’s topic was originally on why Clemson should buy a live tiger mascot like L.S.U.’s Mike, Sean

was surprised. “It was the craziest thing,” said Dutton. “I don’t even know where any of my information came from. I don’t watch the news or anything.” After the initial shock wore off, Dutton realized that, despite having no idea what he said in his speech, and no idea on the subject of economics as a whole, he was expected to speak in front of the Senate. “There was no way I could possibly learn enough about economics to give a somewhat coherent speech in only three weeks,” said Dutton. “Plus, I was still terrified of public speaking. My only real option was to get blackout drunk again and hope that drunken recall was a real thing. It worked in Beerfest, so I didn’t see why it wouldn’t work for me”. Leading up to the speech, Dutton did literally zero work in preparation, hoping to once again fall ass-backwards into genius. When the fateful day came, Dutton donned his suit, stumbled, to the Capitol building in Washington, D.C., and poured his soul out onto the senate floor. Unfortunately, after about thirty seconds of slurring a combination of obscenities and nonsense words into the microphone, Dutton vomited on the podium, flipped off Congress, and took a bow before being forcefully removed. When asked if he would do it all again, Dutton responded, “of course I would. How many other people in the world can say they vomited on the senate floor? I’d be willing to bet it’s less than ten. Plus, I got an 100 on my COMM 250 speech.” If we can learn anything from Dutton’s story, it is that, while alcohol will not solve all of your problems, it will at least solve some of them. And the ones it doesn’t solve, you will at least get a pretty good story out of.

9.) Crash Death Valley: With thoughts of football dancing through your head, there’s no better destination than Death Valley. Take a seat on the 50-yard line and reminisce on all the great times this good ole girl has given you. Just don’t get caught. 8.) Go shopping: Because there are close to zero respectable retail stores within 10 miles of Clemson, a dead weekend is the perfect excuse to head to a shopping mecca and destroy dad’s credit card. And boys, don’t think this one doesn’t apply to you. Everyone notices that you’re wearing the same plaid button down and quarter-zip every day. Every. Single. Day. 7.) Treat yoself: A dead weekend can really open up your schedule, and who better to spend that free time on than yourself? For the girls, it may be a trip to Bronze Tiger. And for the boys, it will probably be a trip to the couch. But easy on the beer; summer is right around the corner. 6.) Go to a baseball game: It’s strange to consider that this school has more sports than just football, but it’s true. Go support some Tigers of a different breed. And don’t worry, tailgates, sundresses, and puppies are the norm for all sports here at Clemson, so it’s bound to be a good time. 5.) Try a new fraternity on for size: Your mother always said to try new things. Maybe she didn’t mean a new group of “classmates” to prowl on and a new batch of PJs to try, but maybe she did. So go to a party you would usually scoff at. If nothing else, you’ll get a great story out of it. 4.) Snag a formal date: Whether it’s your best friend, your boyfriend, or a complete and total stranger, nothing is more fun than a few drunken days in the Dyrtle. The hot sun and sand will make you forget your problems back in Clemson. And the hot fraternity boys aren’t so bad either. 3.) Hit the beach: Even if you missed that formal invite, you can still hit the beach for the weekend -- Y Beach, that is. It’s all the sun and sand minus the hellish cooler painting, beach patrol, and noisy children. Sounds like a plan to us. 2.) Head to another college: If it’s dead in Clemson, it’s bound to be alive and hoppin’ somewhere else. So pack the car and some friends and road trip to another college town. You’ll have the best time, and on the ride back home, you’ll list all of the reasons Clemson is significantly better than whatever shit college you hit and quit. 1.) Drink, drink, drink: You won’t realize what a dead weekend it was if you can’t remember a single piece of it. So, grab a beer or 12 and drink yourself into oblivion. We promise, we won’t judge.

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THURSDAY

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$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers

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FRIDAY

$6 Liquor Pitchers until 8PM $1.50 Mystery Beers at 10PM

$2.50 Fireball Shots Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $4.75 PBR Pitchers, $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Sex on the Beach, $3 Blue Motorcycles

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

SATURDAY

Flaturday Special 2 flatbreads and a bucket of beers for just $12.95

$2.50 Fireball Shots

$3 Liquid Marijuana, $3 Bahama Mama’s

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

Kitchen Open from 11:30am - 11pm Monday - Friday, 4pm - 11pm on Saturdays Come check out our daily lunch specials!

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All You Can Eat Sushi $12.59

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$5.75 Large Pizza, $5 Bud Light Pitchers Happy Hour Monday - Friday: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

$3 Red Stag, $3 Captain Morgan

SUNDAY MONDAY TUESDAY WEDNESDAY THURSDAY

$3.56 Sushi $5 Champagne Bottles

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 Specialty Burgers and Your Choice of Selected Beers, Happy Hour Mon-Fri: $8.75 Liquor Pitchers

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$3.50 Fireball, $5 Liquor Pitchers

$2 Well Drinks

Live Bands and DJs!

Disco Night

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

Drop-in Reike at Lunchtime $1 PBR

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud ,$2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

Players Night

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1/2 Price Bottles of Wine

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$2 Well Drinks

$0.50 Wings, $2 12oz Bud Light and Bud, $2 16oz Busch Light and PBR, $7.50 Liquor Pitchers

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The Grid

MONDAY - FRIDAY $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

TUESDAY: Manager’s Lunch Special! Low Country and Crawfish Boil, $3 Vodkas

FRIDAY! 24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99

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ASK THE WAITRESS ABOUT THE HOT WINGS CHALLENGE. CAN YOU DO IT?!

SPECIAL NIGHT

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

All Day - Double Decker: Pulled Pork and Beef Brisket Sandwich with side for $8.99 $1 off Margaritas after 5pm

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Go Tigers!

$6 Draft Beer and House Liquor Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!

THURS.

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

Ribeye Steak Night! $1 off any Steak Topping, $2 off Bottles of Wine All Day! $8.99 Philly Friday (your choice chicken, pulled pork or brisket, includes fries)

24 Wings and Pitcher of Beer for $14.99

Service, Service, Service

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FRIDAY

Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am Show up early to miss the line at midnight!

$10 Bottomless Mimosas with entree from 11am-2pm, Low Country and Crawfish Boil after 5pm, $8 Domestic Pitchers, $10 Imported Pitchers BIG Nasty Chicken Biscuit with side for $8.99

$0.50 Wings All Day!

Your Tigers Headquarters!

Largest Bloody Mary bar in town!

SATURDAY

Open 6:00 pm - 2:00 am Members can buy beer and wine to go.

Signature Dish Combo: Choose two (shrimp and grits, creole jambalaya, Brunswick stew) and a salad.

Visit the Top of Tiger Town Tavern’s Private Club!

SUNDAY

$8 for a dozen wings, 1/2 off appetizers

$5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers Monday - Friday That equals 3 drinks for only $5.50!

Oyster Bash & Shrimp Jam: Oysters: $0.75 Raw & Steamed, $1 Grilled and Buffalo, $1.50 Dragos or Rednecks, Shrimp: $0.75 Lunch Special! $5 BBQ Sandwich includes fries | $1 Bud Light Drafts

All You Can Eat Wings!

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MONDAY

$5.75 Large Pizzas, $5 Bud Light Pitchers and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers all night

Manager’s Lunch Special! Low Country and Crawfish Boil, $3 Vodkas

Karaoke With Fred Rock

Bingo at 10pm!

Twosday! Two burger baskets & a pitcher of beer for $12!

TUESDAY

Yeungs and Wings! $5 Yeungling Pitchers, $6.75 for a Dozen Wings and $5.50 Mini Liquor Pitchers

All Day - BIG Nasty Burger: 1/3lb

$1 Burger Night

Trivia at 10pm!

Buy 1/2 pounds of wings, get a 1/2 pound FREE!

WED.

Burger and a Beer Night! $7.50 Backstreets Burgers or $8.50 specialty burgers and your choice of selected beers

All Day - Double Decker: Pulled Pork and Beef Brisket Sandwich with side for $8.99 $1 off Margaritas after 5pm

Buy 6, Get 6 Wings After 4pm

Stiffest drinks in town! Where the Big Tigers Play...

$6 Draft Beer and House Liquor Pitchers during Happy Hour Plus live entertainment!

THURS.

Chargrilled Cheeseburger topped with Pulled Pork, Baked Beans, and Onion Straws with a side for $8.99 $3 Bourbons after 5pm

f O s u s e J

h t e r e z Bla ote this Nic Kanaar wr

jesus of blazereth

This year, Easter Sunday lands conveniently on 4/20, a date that usually stands on its own as a holiday for stoners worldwide. This got The Black Sheep thinking; what if Jesus was the pot-smoking, sandal-wearing, Wakarusa attendee that he resembles in all of those pictures hanging in our grandmother’s living room? Our speculation turned into certainty, and now we present you with some of your favorite New Testament stories if Jesus of Nazareth was a tokin’ Messiah.

The Temptation of a Tripping Jesus After Jesus and John the Baptist frolicked in the water in a “no homo” kind of way, Jesus decided to head into the Judean Desert to fast for forty days and nights. Also to smoke some weed and take a bunch of peyote. Twenty minutes into his trip, Satan appeared to Jesus in the form of what would later be known as a “Venice Beach roller skater.” The devil, who was wearing a tank top and cut-off jean shorts, looked down at the hungry Jesus. “If you are the son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread, or nah?” Satan said. “Nah.” the Son of God replied. The devil shrugged and danced while waving glow sticks in a figure eight pattern, as Jesus could have sworn all of his senses were heightened to a whole new level. Later on, one of the twelve disciples reported that Jesus never actually made it to the desert, but instead sat on the edge of a forest and held down a large stick in fear that “it will surely float away.” Jesus held the branch for forty minutes.

jugs filled with water. Jesus walked over to the jugs, kissed both of his biceps and winked at one of the bridesmaids. He then shot a middle finger towards the jugs of water, thusly turning the liquid into wine. “Boom…” Jesus whispered into the face of his annoying mother. Many scholars believe this was the first miracle of seven that Jesus performed to prove he was the Son of God, but in fact it was just merely the first one of that day. Later on during the wedding, he also converted some of the loaves of bread into tightly rolled joints, a violin into a boom box that strictly played dub-step, and he magically converted one of the palace columns into a skinny metal pole that the female servants could dance on. Jesus Gets the Munchies in Front of 5,000 People On their way to John the Baptist’s funeral, Jesus and the disciples cut the edge with five ounces of Bethsaida’s finest green. Soon a crowd of 5,000 people gathered from nearby towns and followed Jesus during the majority of his trek. It wasn’t long before Jesus started asking people for anything “fried or covered in chocolate.”

The Rage-fest at Cana Jesus and his “bro-sciples” attended a wedding at Cana in Galilee with the sole purpose of getting drunk and putting out some vibes towards the bridesmaids. During the reception, Jesus worked on the holiest of buzzes when suddenly his frantic mother came to him:

“We have only five loaves here and two fish,” the disciples said.

“They have no wine!” Mary said.

Sensing the tension surrounding him, Jesus told his disciples, “Big deal if their hungry, I fasted for forty days and nights once.”

Jesus averted his mother’s eyes and leaned back against a pillar. “Bitch, this don’t concern me yet,” Jesus said. After polishing off his glass of wine, plus the remaining drinks that the disciples were planning on consuming, Jesus decided to take action. Under the Messiah’s instructions, servants of the wedding gathered a bunch of

“Bring them here to me,” Jesus said. The disciples and the large crowd licked their lips in anticipation in hopes for a Jesus miracle. Instead, Jesus took the remaining food, sat on the ground, and ate it all in one sitting as every bystander watched.

“No Jesus,” Matthew said, closing his eyes and rubbing the bridge of his nose, “no you didn’t.” Jesus Raises the Dead Lazarus from His Comfy-Ass Tomb During a chill afternoon, a messenger delivered bad news to Jesus about his friend Lazarus. The message came from Lazarus’ two sisters, Martha and Mary, and informed Jesus that Lazy L is ill. “Righteous,” Jesus said, but then it was explained to him that in this case “ill” meant that Lazarus was dying. Two days later Jesus decided to visit his sick friend. The disciples tried to warn Jesus about the dangers of returning to Judea, but all he heard were the words “Jews love to get stoned.” “Hell yeah, let’s get going,” Jesus said, “and grab one of those jugs of water so we can blast off along the way.” Jesus and his “Holy Thugs” arrived in Bethany shortly after and drunkenly made their way to Martha and Mary’s house. The two sisters were engulfed in grief when Jesus arrived, so he did what any Messiah would do; he turned a loaf of bread into a spliff the size of a baby’s forearm and lit it up. A few puff-puff-passes later, the room started to spin and the sisters kept on bitching about their dead brother. Jesus stood and demanded to be shown to Lazarus’ tomb. Upon arriving at a cave, a stone was removed that blocked the entrance and Jesus yelled:

“Lazarus, get the fuck out!” A confused Lazarus came stumbling out of the tomb and Jesus pushed past him mumbling something along the lines of “I’m cross-fading pretty hard right now.” Jesus slept in the tomb for the next twelve hours. The Hydro Supper For Passover, Jesus and his posse got together at a house in the city for some late night grub. To spice up the night, Jesus made a bong out of a bread bowl so he and the twelve disciples could “get lifted to a whole new spiritual level.” Before they ate, Jesus addressed the group and said “Truly, I say to you, one of you will betray me.” Everyone seated at the table subtly looked towards Judas who had supplied the weed but refused to smoke it because of an upcoming “drug test.” Before an inquiry or accusation could be proclaimed, Jesus jumped up from the table and exhaled a cloud of dank smoke. “Oh shit, are the cops outside?!” Jesus said. The twelve disciples calmed Jesus down and reassured him that neither the cops, nor his parents, were sitting outside in the driveway. The final supper came to an abrupt stop after Jesus claimed the bread to be his body and the wine to be of his blood and insisted everyone to “fucking eat him.” “Damn, Judas, what kind of haze did you bring?” Matthew said, as he tried to coach Jesus out from under the table. The Pass-Out and Resurrection of Jesus Christ A week later, in the city of Golgotha, the eleven remaining disciples looked up at Jesus as he hung limply on a cross. All twelve men shook their heads in disbelief as they reflected on the sad sight before them. Bartholomew was the first to speak. “My God, he’s passed out again,” he said. “I love him, but dis dude can NOT handle his weed,” Thomas said. The disciples lowered their passed-out messiah off of the cross and elected to find a cave for him to sleep in, noting their leader’s previous affinity towards napping in tombs. Three days later, Jesus awoke with massive cravings for potato chips dipped in a milkshake and tried to release himself from the tomb with no avail. Soon an angel descended from heaven, broke the stone blocking the tomb, and let Jesus out. The angel informed Jesus that his father was “getting ready to dish out the ass-whooping of a lifetime” and that he’d better say goodbye to his “hood-rat” friends. Jesus ascended to heaven forty days after his wicked blackout in Golgotha, leaving his teachings to his eleven trusted disciples. The group tried to spread the Son of God’s message, but was met with a lot of skepticism. Mainly due to their reputation as being burnt out potheads who traveled around the Middle East in a blurry haze.

Are You SMARTER

THAN?

1) Geography: Lemurs are only found on what island country? 2) Probability: With a 16.67% chance of occurring, what is the highest probability number rolled with two six-sided die? 3) Liquor: United States bourbon—to be classified as such—must be aged in what kind of barrels? 4) The Human Body: In layman’s terms, what is the epidermis? 5) National Parks: What was the first National Park established in the United States?

KRISTEN, ORIENTATION AMBASSADOR

6) Baseball: What team won the 2013 World Series? 7) Rhetoric: What rhetorical device likens two different things with a “like” or “as”? 8) TV: What The Simpsons character famously lamented, “I bent my Wookie”? 9) Fast Food: What fast food chain launched an all-new breakfast menu on March 27th? 10) Board Games: In 2013 what Monopoly token was retired, replaced with a cat?

Kristen’s Answers

Correct Answers

1) Australia 2) 8 3) Wooden barrels 4) Skin 5) Yellowstone! 6) Red Sox 7) Similie 8) Bart 9) Taco Bell 10) A racecar

1) Madagascar 2) 7 3) Oak, or charred oak 4) Skin or outermost layer of skin 5) Yellowstone 6) Boston Red Sox 7) Similie 8) Ralph Wiggum 9) Taco Bell 10) Iron

Kristen’s Score: 5 out of 10

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the m.a.s.h.

oh come on, you remember how to play! tally some marks on the paper for as long as your brain tells you to, then count through the whole list and cross off whatever corresponds with that number. when there’s only one left in each category, boom, that’s your future. live it, love it.

You’re going on a trip to… - Seattle - Los Angeles - Tuscon - Omaha

The sick whip of choice is… - An old-school RV - A 2014 Ford Escape - A Boeing 757 - A Chevy Astrovan

The only bummer is… - there’s no gas in the tank. - you forgot your cell phone charger. - the vehicle is loud as hell. - you forgot a lighter.

WIth your very best friend… - Kitty Pryde - Miley Cyrus - Taylor Momsen - Michelle Obama

It’s pimped out with… - like, 100 televisions - stripper poles - plush, cheetah carpeting - disco balls

and her new boyfriend… - Jeff Garlin - Prince Harry - Carson Daly - Vladimir Putin

and the mini fridge is loaded with… - strawberries - canned cat food - Patron - 11-year aged Wisconsin cheddar

When you got to your destination, the first thing you did was… - take a friggin’ leak. - masturbate. - buy some damn Fritos. - do some yoga.

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The second thing you did was… - get mad wasted. - Instagram some scenic views. - smoke a joint. - look for the nearest strip club.

the crossword

famous michaels

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which channel? 10) Michael Buble is from this Canadian province, two words. 12) Mike who? 13) Michael C. Hall played the lead in which HBO show? 15) Michael Jackson was born in this Indiana city.

DOWN: 1) He played Austin Powers (baby), two words. 3) This Michael is famous for his controversial documentaries. 5) The most decorated Olympic athlete. 6) What was Mike Sorrentino’s nickname on Jersey Shore? 8) Philadelphia Eagles quarterback who spent time in prison for illegal dog dighting. 9) Michael Jordan won 6 NBA Championships with this city’s team. 10) The current Mayor of New York City. 11) Mike’s makes what kind of hard beverage? 14) This Mike famously bit off a part of Evander Holyfield’s ear.

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