The Black Sheep
AFT
Vol. 4, Issue 7
THE COLLEGE NEWSPAPER THAT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT COLLEGE
S FRE ER CENT O E... LI LEA K V I N N YO U E T H E G A R CL DAN OTH K H ES EAD SH
OP.
4/10/14 - 4/23/14
THOROUGHLY AVERAGE GIRL WEARS YOGA PANTS, CLEMSON GOES WILD HASHTAGSRAT WROTE THIS What Lauren Greenberg described as a “lazy day outfit” caused a huge campus frenzy this Monday, as Clemson broke into mayhem over the sight of a girl in yoga pants. Oft described in such glowing terms as “God’s gift to ass,”“Not for fat chicks,” and “Spank bank inspiration,” what good yoga pants do for the wearer’s derriere has been well established. Perfectly tight and flattering, yoga pants have served as a godsend for both men and women nationwide, allowing young ladies a comfortable alternative to real pants, and allowing young men to essentially see a naked ass in public—a true win-win for all involved. While Greenberg knew that yoga pants were a garment beloved by all, she didn’t think that wearing them would spawn a campus-wide craze. “Honestly, I hadn’t shaved my legs in a week, and had worn all of my leggings, jeans, and Norts— these were my last stand pants before I was forced to do laundry. I looked kind of grimy—I didn’t think I’d be getting any second looks.” Greenberg, a self-described “mediocrelooking” young woman, was first alerted to just how arousing she looked in yoga pants when a series of young men started heckling her as she walked up the staircase in Hendrix. At first, thinking it was par for the course sexual harassment, she went her way; however, when a young man passed out in pure ecstasy upon the sight of Greenberg’s ass in yoga pants, she became truly embroiled in Monday’s up-
rising. Throughout the day, wherever she went, young men shouted at her, some bursting out into total Beatlemania tears, others vomiting in shock at their arousal. Lauren wasn’t particularly fazed by these more passive means of expressing desire, but found herself distinctly uncomfortable when young men began touching her. Viewing the tight pants as an invitation, particularly cheeky young men reached out to literally grab her ass as she walked by, causing one young man, Marshall Lowndes, to lose his balance and catch his weight on his wrist, breaking it in two places. Marshall, who spent the rest of the day at AnMed Medical Center in Anderson, described the sight of Greenberg walking past as, “Like a strange hallucination. I know she’s not that cute, and kind of fat, but man, the sight of a girl’s butt…you just lose control, you know? Like you can’t help yourself when you’re that aroused. So I just went for it, and came out of this, like, frenzy, when I fell on my wrist. It was on the middle of Library Bridge too—super embarrassing.” The most appalling incident, by far, occurred in one of Greenberg’s morning classes. As she walked into her classroom a few minutes late her professor turned to reprimand her; however, catching a glimpse of Greenberg in yoga pants caused him to totally abandon professional conduct and to pontificate to his class for the entirety of the class period about how aroused he was by her. Mortified, Green-
berg ran from the classroom. Greenberg explained that initially she found the attention harmless, if a little overwrought, stating, “I didn’t think my ass was that impressive; at first, all of the attention gave me a confidence boost. However, as the day dragged on, I found all of the attention to be embarrassing for both me and for the Clemson male population. Are they really that beholden to their sexual
urges that they absolutely lose their shit when they see a thoroughly average ass in tight pants?” and adding that “most of those guys need to get laid, pronto.” Greenberg also expressed concern over being so blatantly objectified, stating, “I guess that those guys are just really sexually frustrated or something, but what I wear shouldn’t be an invitation for guys to like heckle me, or touch me, or talk about how
PAGE 5 IDEAL STUDENT ACCEPTED INTO EVERY INTERNSHIP YOU WEREN’T
PAGE 6 TOP 10: BOREDOM CURES FOR A DEAD WEEKEND
THE FEELING OF WANTING TO PUNCH HIM IS NATURAL.
AS LONG AS THERE’S BOOZE AROUND, YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE A PROBLEM.
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they want to have sex with me in public. It was kind of uncomfortable, especially considering that they were all dweebs. It was pretty presumptuous of them to assume I’d get with them anyway.” When asked if she’d ever wear yoga pants again, Lauren said that she probably wouldn’t, but she wouldn’t throw the pair away for good: “If I ever need to cause a riot, now I know how.”
PAGES 10-11 JESUS OF BLAZERETH EASTER CONVENIENTLY LANDS ON 4/20 THIS YEAR, WHICH MADE US THINK SOME DEEP THOUGHTS, MAN.