The Black Sheep
FR E in E... L th ike e s th ew at er co . it wa oko s s ut till yo de u fo lic un iou d s.
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Volume 3, Issue 3 9/27/12 - 10/10/12
Why the Rest of the ACC Hates You Chris Dart wrote this
The ACC is always on the outside looking in, as far as college football goes. True, we had two teams in BCS Bowls last year, with Virginia Tech and our own Clemson playing in the Sugar Bowl and Orange Bowl, respectively. But, as usual, the ACC failed to capitalize on our big break as we went 0-2 with a blowout loss by the Tigers at the hands of those inbred West Virginia Mountaineers. And even though this year we will all be hoping that an ACC team makes it big and puts our conference on the map, at the end of the day we will all still hate each other’s guts. And here’s why… Boston College – You guys suck. You’re way the hell up in Boston just rubbing our faces in the fact that everyone else has to travel a good couple hundred miles to play you in “wicked cold” weather. You guys have only ever brought us Matt Ryan and Doug Flutie and a whole bunch of colds. Just go to the Big East already! Clemson – We’re perfect. Get over it. Next. Duke – We get it, you’re a basketball school. And that’s evident. Over the last two seasons, your football team has won a grand total of 6 games. Sammy Watkins could have gotten more that 6 wins by himself! Add in the fact that you cursed us with Kyle Singler’s skeleton face, and it’s no mystery why we all hate you. Had it not been for your douchey basketball team winning and your high GPAs, we would have gotten rid of you a long time ago. Florida State – Of all the ACC schools, we may all hate you the most. Not because you guys have been the only ACC team to win a national championship in recent memory. Not because you have the all time winningest coach in Division I history. Not because you guys get to play home games in 70-degree weather when we’re all freezing our tits off midNovember. We hate you guys because we’re not the school with all of these accolades. Add in the fact that you guys tease us every year with a top-10 pre-season ranking only to finish 9-4, and that is why every ACC school wants to see you in the Big 12.
Five Students You Will Sit Next to in Class
This is assuming you attend five classes, of course.
page 5
Georgia Tech – This one is personal. Ya’ll stole John Heisman from Clemson way back in 1904. You ruined our undefeated season last year. You lead the all-time series 50-25-2. You really are just a pesky bug to Tiger fans. The rest of the ACC hates you, because despite your continuous success within the ACC, you haven’t won a bowl game since 2004! That’s pathetic! The good news is that 80 percent of your student body doesn’t even know what football is. Maryland – The odd man out of the ACC. Without a true ACC rival, the Terps are just another bump in the road for the good ACC football schools. Terp fans think they have the next big thing year after year after year. But in reality, they go 2-10 one year, then 9-4, then back to 2-10 (2009-2011). Then they have the audacity to come out wearing the world’s most outrageous uniforms in history. They actually look like Ronald McDonald made them while he was on LSD. As if you weren’t hard enough to watch already.
what’s inside
Overly Specific October Horoscopes Well, about as specific as every other horoscope.
page 6
Miami – Miami is like the ACC’s ridiculously strong, athletic brother who has severe learning disabilities. The 2001 National Champions promised to bring the ACC to college football’s national stage when they joined the conference in 2004. Instead, they have sucked. Various NCAA violations have turned this once great football program into an ACC Average Joe. The worst part is, they always seem to put together one of the best recruiting classes in the nation every single year and never do anything with them (unless you count jail sentences). The ACC hates Miami the most, because despite having all the ingredients to be great, they haven’t even won a conference championship since they won the Big East in ‘04. Bust! North Carolina State – Similar to Duke, UNC is a basketball school. So much so that they have to commit recruiting violations out the butthole from 2008-2009 just to produce CONTINUED ON PAGE 13
Are You Harry Potter or Are You Just Drunk? Why can’t it be both?
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contents page 4: Family Weekend: An Inner
Monologue
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
page 4
What was mommy thinking before she left you with a pantry full of groceries and a new sense of self-loathing?
page 5: the top ten
Table of
Worst college mascots
page 7: from the streets Are you mad summer is ending and fall is beginning?
page 12: Bartender of the Week Natalie from 356 wants you to be there 365.
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! k e e W e h t f o c i P
COLLEGE KIDS I WANT TO PUNCH IN THE FACE "the one who thinkg they know everything
Sexy Anagrams
I AM BEER MAN! (want to be made famous next week? Awesome.)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Ark As Hi
Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Rich Mesh Throws last week’s answers
Arianny Celeste & Ryan Phillippe
word of the week
Castrabate: A forced stoppage of masturbation by either party in a relationship.
“Dude, ever since Ann gave Keith the castrabate ultimatum he’s been arrested twice for beating up strangers in the street.”
page 4
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family Weekend: An Inner Monologue Chris Dart wrote this Family Weekend has come and gone. Even though some of us were not lucky enough (or loved enough) to host our parents over the past weekend, those parents that did come all had the same thoughts running through their minds. And here they are: I can’t wait to see my baby again. I can’t believe he’s a senior. I am getting so old. It seems like just yesterday I was putting his little Power Rangers backpack on and sending him to his first day of school. Oh, he was so cute with his little feet. That bag was bigger than he was. Oh my goodness I can see him! He’s waiting outside to greet us, what a nice boy. Oh my! What is that hair on his face? And why is he with a girl? Who is she? Why hasn’t he told us about her? “Hi, Honey! How are you? We’ve missed you! You need to shave!” There we go, I’ll just keep dropping hints about shaving his face. He looks so handsome with a shaved face. Now who is this young lady? Why hasn’t he introduced us yet? “Hi, I’m Tim’s mother Mrs. Johnson. And you are?” Girlfriend? What does he mean this is his girlfriend? He didn’t tell us he had a girlfriend. I didn’t see this on his FaceSpace. She looks like a little tramp with that skimpy shirt on. “It’s so nice to meet you, Cindy! I like your shirt!” At least his room is clean. Are those her shorts on the ground? Oh my goodness, she better not be corrupting my Timmy. Oh this is a unique vase he has back here. But why
aren’t there any flowers in it? And why is the water so dirty? Oh, I suppose he is going to plant these little green seeds and grow his own plants in it. What a resourceful boy. I’m so proud of him. What a beautiful campus this is! And there is the library. I’m sure Timmy hardly ever leaves there. He always tells us how hard he is working on the weekends and that’s why he can’t call. I remember that one Sunday he was so sick all day because he caught the flu studying in the library. Poor boy. Oh well, time for dinner. What does he mean he’s bringing her? This football game should be so much fun. I wish Ed would take off his “lucky shirt.” I know he wore it to every game when he went to Clemson but he’s embarrassing our son. For goodnes’s sake he doesn’t even fit into it anymore. I think I’ll wear my “Clemson Mom” shirt, my Orange pants, my big Clemson sun hat and my big orange earrings to the game. Where is Timmy? He told us he would meet us here at 10:00. Oh here he comes. He looks so nice in his button down. Is he carrying a beer? I’m sure he is just a “social drinker” or whatever the kids call it. He’s so responsible. Why does he smell like urine? He’s slurring his speech. Maybe he has a toothache. “GO TIGERS!” What a fun game, except I wish Timmy could have sat with us. Oh, there is his roommate Peter.
FRIDAY IS LADIE’S NIGHT!
What does he mean Tim “passed out”? He was supposed to meet us here after the game. Oh he is probably just so tired from cheering on his team. We will see him for dinner. “Timothy eat your vegetables, please.” His eyes are so bloodshot. Probably from being up all last night studying. “Elbows off the table.” 10:00, time for bed. We better drop Timmy off so he can study. Who are all of these people at his house? Oh they’re probably all study buddies. “See you tomorrow Timmy!” What a great weekend. “We will see you for Thanksgiving. Remember to shave your face! And clean out that vase in your room, it’s filthy.” I’m so proud of him. A whole weekend with his parents and he hardly ever stopped studying. I still don’t understand how his GPA is a 2.1. A communication major must be one of the hardest majors! Oh well, time to cry for the entire ride home.
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Five Students You Will Inevitably Sit Next To In Class This Semester Erin Eller wrote this
The Top 10
Worst College Mascots Mascots are all about intimidation and striking fear into your opponents. You want to be given nicknames like “The Tigers” or “The Grizzlies” - not “The Chocolate Covered Gummi Bears” or “The Gamecocks.” For these ten teams, however, the only thing their mascots are good at are being bad. Really, really bad.
Once upon a time, around 20 years ago, five unique beings were brought into this world for the sole purpose of adding some spice to your college career. Now, out of seventeen thousand undergrad students at U of M, fate has spoken, and these students have ended up in your lectures this semester! Here’s a quick introduction to some of the classmates you’ll come hold near and dear to your heart:
Cons: Provides endless distraction; may obstruct your view of the lecture for 30-second intervals as he rearranges himself more often than necessary during a 50-minute time period. Moment to watch for: The day when he drops his cell phone under your chair, then spends the rest of class kicking you in the back trying to reach it with his foot.
Facebook Junkie: Never without her MacBook, this student is always doing something on the Internet unrelated to the lecture. If you can find her on Twitter, you’ll have access to all of her thoughts on the lecture, along with the occasional “LOL!” followed by a link to #whatshouldwecallme. Pros: By sitting behind her, you’ll be updated on her friends’ drama on a consistent basis. Cons: There’s a high potential that this person will ask to borrow your lecture notes, at which point you can hand her a detailed rundown of which of her friends are sleeping with each other. Moment to watch for: You’ll catch this student trying to amend a bad hair day using her webcam at least once.
Definitely Trying Too Hard: This person is incredibly eager to please both classmate and professor. Most likely to be found in the front row, bobbing her head enthusiastically after every sentence out of the professor’s mouth. Pros: You’ll learn exactly how not to fake smile. Cons: Where to begin? Endless streams of knife-twistingly awful puns, alternated with painfully obvious hypocrisy. Expect a Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde-like tendency to alternate between blatant brown-nosing and ruthless jokes at the professor’s expense. Moment to watch for: At some point over the course of the semester, this student will be called out on how two-faced he is. His total humiliation can only be described as priceless.
Empty Chair: The student you’ll see twice all semester: Once on the first day, and once at the review session before the final. Maybe. Pros: You now have a place to keep your backpack off the floor. Also serves as a buffer between you and the other students on this list. Cons: If (no, when) you get assigned to be this person’s lab partner, you might be left scratching your head. Don’t despair; who really likes group work, anyway? Moment to watch for: Expressions of regret and acts of borderline self-harm during the final exam.
The Neck-Breather: Do you feel a warm breeze in here? Is that actually Darth Vader sitting behind me? Can you check? I’m afraid to look. Pros: At least you know this student is very much alive. Cons: Try not to get distracted by his sexy whistling inhale or charming mucus-permeated exhale. Moment to watch for: The first high-pressure testing situation. You’ll know exactly how panicked this student is feeling by the varying cadence and volume of his windpipes. Also a contender: allergy season.
Squirmy McSquirmson: Does this kid EVER stop fidgeting? Squirmy is never seen without a coffee in his right (no… he switched again… left) hand, which he could honestly probably do without. Pros: None really, except maybe that you’ll seem much more laid-back in comparison.
You probably recognize some of the individuals we’ve described, or maybe a combination of two or more. Maybe you even see yourself somewhere on this list. Regardless, you will inevitably come across most of these students at some point, so you’re welcome in advance.
10.) Florida Atlantic, Owlsey the Burrowing Owl: While not the most intimidating of creatures, owls are still pretty cool. They have talons, they’re smart and they only come out at night. The problem, however, is not in the animal itself, but rather the adjective describing it. Burrowing? That literally means you’re digging a hole to get away from the competition. That’s the complete opposite of what you’re trying to convey as a team. Nice try, Owlsey. 9.) Ohio State, Brutus the Buckeye: Whoever thought this mascot was a good idea must have been crazy. Or, dare I say…nuts! ...Nut puns? Anyone? Okay, moving on. A buckeye is nothing but a giant nut, and that is no way to represent a university. It falls from tree, and, most likely, dies. 8.) UC Santa Cruz, Sammy the Slug: Oh, yes, nothing like some banana slugs to propel your team to victory. It’s like you want your team to be the slowest group of people ever assembled. Maybe even the slimiest as well. Either way, it’s not too good. Somebody should have squashed this idea from the get-go. Get it? Slugs? Come on! 7.) Ohio Wesleyan, The Battling Bishops: At first, we were confused as to whether this was referring to the chess piece or the holy man. Turns out it refers to the latter, but honestly, either one is pretty awful. Chess and football go together like Nicki Minaj and rap artists I like, and a bishop trying to tackle someone is more comical than threatening. 6.) Xavier, The Blue Blob: Way to get creative, Xavier. A blue blob? Flubber is more intimidating than this, and Robin Williams created that one! That’s how bad you are at being a mascot. At least the other schools are like, things. You had ONE job! 5.) University of Pennsylvania, The Penn Quaker: You’re a very prestigious university, so I would normally give you some slack, Penn. But Quakers? The dudes who promoted peace and love and everything NOT sports-related? If the dude on the oatmeal box is trying to come at me, I’m not going to piss my pants from terror, I’m going to piss my pants from laughter. 4.) St. Louis College of Pharmacy, Mortimer “Morty” McPestle: I’m not sure why a pharmacy school needs a mascot to begin with, but if you’re going to have one, at least make it a little cool. Even the name sounds nerdy! Mortimer? That doesn’t even need a punch line. This guy is literally just a dude in a lab coat. 3.) Louisiana-Lafayette, Cayenne the Chili Pepper: Your mascot is something that millions of people eat every day. What is so threatening about that? You’re not even the spiciest pepper! If you’re going to delve into food, at least go for the top shelf. 2.) Delta State, Mr. Okra: Again with the food! At least peppers can make things a little interesting - what’s a piece of okra going to do? Okra may be delicious, but at the end of the day it’s still a side dish. It’s like if someone decided to name their school after macaroni and cheese. On second thought, that actually sounds awesome... 1.) Wichita State, WuShock the Shock of Wheat: When I hear the phrase “Wichita State Shockers,” I immediately think of a strong bolt of lightning. Intimidating? Heck yeah! For some reason, however, the people over in Kansas decided to forgo this obviously badass mascot and instead go for...a shock of wheat? What the hell is a shock of wheat, anyway? Unless you’re allergic to gluten, WuShock isn’t scaring anybody.
blake miller wrote this
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theblacksheeponline.com
The Black Sheep Overly Specific October Horoscope psychic sally wrote this ARIES: The start of colder weather combined with the beginning of fall trends leads you to assume that chapped lips and hard nips are in this year. You’re wrong though; chapped lips and hard nips are in every year. Like leggings. TAURUS: The unexplained happens as you’re drawn to watching a sitcom about gay guys adopting babies. You deny watching the show to your friends, but they soon catch on as you start taking better care of your skin. GEMINI: A cafeteria binge leaves you incapacitated with a taco-demon reeking havoc in your stomach. You attempt to perform an “exorcism” of this bad karma by overdosing on laxatives, and the suffering evens it out. CANCER: The results of your last exam have induced a buying spree of 5-Hour Energy, Adderall, and salted caramel mochas in preparation for your upcoming exam. Unfortunately, your “broom hand” is too jittery to fill out the scantron.
LEO: This Sweetest Day, single you is visited by your ghosts of girlfriends past. True to character, they all show up drunk, crying, and you know, dead. VIRGO: You give the trick-or-treaters a scare when you open the door wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and loincloth. You may have dressed-down for Halloween, but we recommend dressing up for your impending court date. LIBRA: You fall victim to Redfen’s business ploy/Devil’s Night prank when you use one of the condoms they covered with pepper and poked a hole in. Stay hydrated. SCORPIO: Congrats, the sultry looks you’ve been giving your T.A. have paid off, and after class she rewards you with a “hay ride” and trip to her “petting zoo.” Hopefully, for your sake, you’re into involving animals in your sex life and women with mustaches made out of hay.
SAGITTARIUS: Your new diet of Captain, cider, and donuts has you leaving spooky, smelly farts haunting all the rooms you have class in. The same kind of farts from which Slimer originated. CAPRICORN: Haunted houses no longer frighten you, as you brave a much more frightening quest and take a dump at the bar. AQUARIUS: You fear a rip in the space-time continuum has happened during the weekend of the thirteenth, but then you just realize that all these people saying that they are “you in twenty years” are just alumni coming back for homecoming. PISCES: This fall the falling leaves fall in line with you falling in love with a little fault called alcoholism as you fall off the wagon once and for (f)all.
From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
Are you sad that summer is ending and fall is beginning? “I’m not too happy about it. Summer flew by. In a blink of an eye it’s gonna get real cold.” - Charlie, Sophmore
“I’m looking forward to the fall. There’s a whole lot more fun stuff during October! Mountain Weekend!” - Stuart, Senior
I’m looking forward to it not being so hot anymore... but I’m not excited for girls to start wearing heavier clothing. Nobody wants that. - Ryan, Senior
send your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
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THURSDAY 9/27
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page 9
Are you Harry Potter? Or are you just drunk?
cody mann wrote this
It’s been a long week of classes, work, and meetings and you’re just ready to drink your stress away on Friday night. So you go out, get smashed, and everything’s suddenly feeling so much better. All your friends are around you and the atmosphere is just magical! Wait. Magical?! A sneaking suspicion grows on you, and you just have to know—are you actually Harry Potter? You could’ve sworn you went out down town, but suddenly everything looks a little too much like Hogsmeade. Don’t worry, The Black Sheep has got you covered. Just make sure to carry our handy guide with you whenever you go and you’ll always be able to tell whether you’re the Boy Who Lived or just the Boy Who Lived a Bit Too Much. First off, find a stick somewhere and try to bring it into a bar. Wands are an essential item for any wizard, so if you’re in a magical tavern, the bouncer won’t give you a second glance. Granted, if he doesn’t allow you to bring in your “wand,” he could just be a Muggle. So this is just a quick preliminary test rather than a really decisive one. The next test is also an easy one. Grab the nearest broomstick and find a clear roof, because it’s time for a flying test. Either you’re not Harry Potter, and therefore won’t be able to heal yourself, or you are and you could possibly get a FUI
citation (Flying Under the Influence) for flying so obviously. If the flying test is also inconclusive, there are still more ways to figure this out. Find a mirror and check out your reflection. Is there a scar on your forehead? If not, don’t rule out the possibility that you just can’t see it because you don’t have your glasses on. If there definitely is a scar there are two possible explanations. Either you actually are Harry Potter, or you cut your head open during the flying test. Get to the hospital, stupid. If you notice a hooded figure following you in the shadows, regardless of whether you’re Harry Potter or not, it’s probably not a dementor unless you’ve also noticed the temperature drop precipitously. So there’s not a lot to worry about there— you’re probably just about to get kidnapped in an alley or something. One other thing to keep in mind: when you’re wandering around outside, you’re likely to see some bright green lights. If there seems to be a general sense of panic around you, then RUN! Voldemort’s trying to cast the Killing Curse on you! But, if everything seems to be relatively normal, then those lights are probably just the traffic signals of Keith Street. In
that case, do not run. Running will cause a car to cast a Killing Curse of its own on you. If, after reading all the tips above, you’re still not sure whether or not you’re actually a student at Clemson or at Hogwarts, there is one surefire test that will undoubtedly tell you the truth. Yell out the name “Voldemort!” really really loudly in a bar. Either people will begin shrieking in fear (telling you that you really are the Chosen One) or they will begin laughing hysterically at you (telling you that you really the Crazy One). However, only resort to this method as necessary, as the resulting panic/embarrassment will be fairly intense. So remember, folks, always keep this guide on hand during your weekly (or nightly) forays into the possibly magical world of Clemson. Who knows, it might just save you from Voldemort.
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Flipping Flippingthe thescript script so your favorite t.v. character walks into a new show...
dean pelton on hillbilly hand fishin’
We come to love the characters of our beloved scripted shows, if we don’t love them, then the show typically fails. On the other hand, reality shows make us eventually hate everyone, including ourselves for watching. So, as we at The Black Sheep prefer to live in our own little fairy world, we decided to imagine how our favorite characters would do on plot-less, burnt out reality shows. By: Quinn and Brendan
ron swanson on survivor
Strengths: We’re not sure if the Dean has any hand fishin’ skills, but it would be very entertaining to see him tip toe around reaching into a dark, wet hole for a big slippery fish.
Strengths: Ron is a man’s man. No, he is the man’s man. With wood working on the third tier of his Pyramid of Greatness (just below America, Buffets, and Honor) he would have a small wooden cabin built by the time the others dig a shittin’ hole. Ron’s self-reliance is out-matched only by his mustache.
Weakness: The show won’t allow the Dean to display his extensive wardrobe, which might be a problem for him.
charlie day on america’s got talent
dave rose on top chef
Weakness: Several. Charlie has a debilitating lack of confidence in his musical abilities, and will surely turn to cat food and glue for added confidence.
Weakness: The lack of v-neck chef coats will really drag down Dave’s ability to maneuver around the kitchen. Beyond that, there are only so many puns one can make about food, ham I right?
back, roll her eyes, and sip on another vodka martini. Weakness: She might be too cold. Sure she could cry for the camera, but she can’t spare the moisture.
Win or Lose? Win. Lucille will have these ladies fighting with each other all week, or at least hire the OC’s finest investigator if they try to get at her.
sterling (malory) archer on
stars earn stripes Strengths: Years of hands-on training in the field as an ISIS agent, plus, you know, years of athletic prowess after all those years at lacrosse camp. Coupled with some clever quips and a shrewd, biting sense of humor, and he’ll be banging the female half of the cast two episodes in. Weakness: By the third episode he’ll be so bored with having to do actual work, Archer will be drunk during the episode that’s conducted over live fire.
Win or Lose? Loser, as always. Dave’s packing his knives by episode three, as another steak sandwich sends Tom Colicchio into a classic tirade that audiences have come to expect from him.
lucille bluth on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Strengths: There is evidence that Lucille Bluth is the original “Desperate Housewife,” but she isn’t desperate - she runs the show. While the other ladies are drunk and pulling each other’s hair, she’ll sit
Win or Lose?
Not only will Louie lose, he’ll lose in the most excruciating way possible. Like, he’ll get his rose, fall down the stairs, throw up, cry, and have the girl call him a limpdick pussy, or something.
Win or Lose?
Strengths: Dave’s general obliviousness to his vague douchiness will serve him well. Off-hand remarks about his lack of talent will simply roll off his shoulders, while audiences will eat up his inability to exist in the real world.
out as Green Man, drunkenly parade around stage, and maybe club a few rats with his clubbin’s stick.
Weaknesses: Most women are not turned on by the above.
Ron will win, then never leave the island when the show is over.
Strengths: Charlie just gets the piano. He may be illiterate, but the piano comes natural to him. Surely he will win the judges over with an emotional rendition of The Night Man Cometh, if he leaves out all the rape-y parts of course.
Win or Lose? Sadly, Charlie will lose. He will inevitably come
Strengths: Some women are turned on by fat, balding, bumbling idiots with two kids, a really busy work schedule and no time for a social life.
Weakness: None. His passion for red meat might cause trouble, but he will find a way.
Win or Lose?
The Dean will win. He may insist on wearing his sister’s sailor outfit, but we have no doubt he will stick any extremity into the deep cave and get the biggest catfish to suction itself onto it.
louie on the bachelorette
Win or Lose? During the live fire episode, he’ll be automatically disqualified for putting a round in Drew Lachey’s foot after Lachey tries to chastise Archer for his on-set intoxication.
the hound on full metal jousting Strengths: The Hound isn’t just an ordinary knight, he’s a knight from a land of dire wolves, White Walkers and muhfuggin’ dragons. He’s seen some shit.
Weakness: Coming from a fantasy land set in a time that really lacks modern technology, The Hound is used to really killing people with real weapons for…like…good. This won’t bode well because…
Win or Lose? He’ll lose when he actually kills someone. The Hound will be dismounted by some guy who works at Medieval Times, and he won’t like it one bit. A few sword strokes and a lot of blood later, he’ll be off to prison to make everyone his bitch. And hey, the United States prison system offers marginally better living conditions than Westeros, so everyone wins. Well, except the dead guy.
the interview
junk culture
Junk Culture is a one-man band, but not like one of them old-timey guys with cymbals between his knees. Instead, Deepak Mantena’s an eclectic bucket of fun, synth-layered party. He was a blast to talk to. Be sure to grab his newest album, Wild Quiet, wherever it is crazy kids are buying music these days. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you put an album together, from concept to finished product? Deepak Mantena: That’s a really loaded question. TBS: I know. Deepak: I can’t say it’s the same each time I do a record, but for Wild Quiet I did have a concept going in. I thought, “Let’s see if I can write something simpler and more focused than what I’ve done before.” TBS: Was that a superficial goal, or a philosophy you want to stick with going forward? Deepak: I tend to change up my approach to music on every record. It’s more exciting for me to do that, and it just feels really honest. It might not sound like the record before it, but it will sound like what I was interested in doing at the time. TBS: You talk about that honesty, but how do you reconcile that idea with the idea that you play music for an audience who has expectations of you? Deepak: Let me frame it this way: Bands I’m into, I’m not listening to them because they have a sound they’re repeating on every record. I listen to artists that are interested in being adventurous. A good example, I’m a huge fan of Caribou, even back when he was Manitoba or whatever. To me, as an audience member, getting to sink my teeth into one of his new records is a really rewarding feeling. I try to do the same thing with my work. TBS: What about concern with this new music being translated live? Deepak: I’m not so worried about that. When I sit down and figure out how to do a live show, I put a huge amount of effort and thought into that. I understand that people come to see songs that they like to hear, but I don’t want the rest of the show to feel like filler, and I think about that. I tour with Girl Talk a lot, and if you strip away what he does it’s a guy on a laptop triggering samples. How does that translate into huge sounds? The answer is, he really thinks about his approach to it. TBS: What kind of forethought goes into writing a song? Deepak: I don’t consider how it translates live. That’s a bad attitude to have. When I record a song, it’s about the song. So, when it comes time to how to deal with presenting it live, then we’ll figure it out. TBS: How much do you pay attention to a crowd in a show? Deepak: Oh man, that’s the perpetual problem. I used to do a little theatre stuff, and it would always be interesting to see—doing the same play one night to another—how different audiences take to different jokes. I guess I’m not at that level to know how good a show is going to be. I think I can handle the audience a lot better now. They want to be entertained, and it’s your job to guide them through that. TBS: Five words to describe your live show. Deepak: Tough, rock. TBS: Do you struggle with keeping up with contemporary music? Deepak: The first band I was really into was the Smashing Pumpkins, and they were like, the only band I’d listen to. It would be their whole collection on repeat. I’ll get really into someone and listen to them nonstop, and go through these bands in spurts. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? Deepak: I’ll take a good old-fashioned BLT any day. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature for a pet, what would it be? Deepak: Does it have to be a pet, or could it be a friend? TBS: I don’t think a griffin could engage you in conversation for very long. Deepak: What about a gnome or something? TBS: Yeah, you could have a gnome. Deepak: Like, see a movie with him or something. TBS: No amusement parks, though.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
pitch perfect - in theaters out september 28 Becca (Anna Kendrick) arrives to a new college convinced she doesn’t fit in, and instantly gets suckered into joining a rag-tag singing group. Yeah, this movie looks pretty damn cheesy a la Glee, but a few select actors (like Adam Levine and Rebel Wilson) will give the movie a good edge.
the real housewives of new york - season finale monday, october 1 at 9pm (bravo) As the 5th season comes to an end, we find perpetuallyPinot-Grigo’d Ramona throwing a charity event that turns into pure mayhem. Meanwhile, at Heather’s charity event, Ramona and her partner-in-booze Sonja make one hell of a scene. Hey, they’re just making their own fun.
matt & kim - lightning in stores october 2 The indie pop-duo Matt and Kim’s fourth album Lightning features 10 tracks, most with only two or three instruments on each. When asked where the name of the album came from, Kim replied “I think I’ll get hit by lightning one day.” That’s… pretty random. Check out their single “Let’s Go.”
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theblacksheeponline.com
bartender of the week Natalie r. 356 Sushi and Martini Bar Favorite Drink: Ciroc Berry with pineapple and OJ with a cherry. Favorite Shot: Tequila shot (silver). Pour Patron, take with lime. Worst Drink ever? Old Fashioned… whiskey, sugar, bitters, lemon, cherry and orange What celebrity would you most like to punch in the face? The Bieber! What is the worst pickup line you’ve heard on the job? Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living? …Obviously I work at this bar for a living. What Disney character do you most want to hook up with? The guy from Tangled was pretty hot for a cartoon. If you could be a holiday, which would you be? National Dance Day! What holiday/event is craziest at 365? NEON LIGHTS Fish Races coming soon! Its pretty awesome when 356 gives away cash prizes for the ultimate fish races winner!
the drinking game
mario kart Here at The Black Sheep, we encourage you to drink and drive! Never thought you’d here those words, huh? (Not literally, please don’t sue us). What You’ll Need: Mario Kart, friends who like to play Mario Kart, and beer. Number of Players: How many controllers you got? Level of Intoxication: As little as a buzz and as much as a blackout. How to Play: - Pop in your favorite Mario Kart game and assign characters to players. - Set up your beers so everyone can reach them. We prefer the ol’ canbetween-the-thighs maneuver. - Begin the game but drink as follows: - Take one sip if you’re hit by a shell. - Take three sips if you’re hit by a lightning bolt. - Take four sips if you’re hit by a player’s special item. - Finish your drink every time someone laps you. - If you fall off the course, drink until you are put back on. - If you’re dead last, chug whatever you have left. - The winner of the race gets to choose one player to finish off their drink, too. The Game Ends When: Everyone is all Mario Kart’d out. But let’s be real, no one ever gets sick of Mario Kart.
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What dead person would you want to bring back to life? Gene Kelly or Peg Leg Bates for a dance off! I think I could take ‘em. If you could have any superpower, what would it be? Teleportation power! Who do you most want to have a tickle fight with? John Goodman. What’s one thing you never want your mom to know about you? That goes with me to my grave. How many 4-year olds do you think you could take in a fight? If I could get them in a line, I’d say I could take about 20 out Domino style! During the time at your bar, about how many numbers have you gotten on the job? Oh, just a few. Favorite place to party? 356 and in a barn. Favorite/least favorite tattoo and why? My favorite/ only tat is on my side, across my ribs. If you want to know what it is come see me at 356!
Recipe for Disaster
state fair mac’n’cheese What You’ll Need: A box of your favorite mac ‘n’ cheese brand (It’s Kraft SpongeBob and you know it), flour, two eggs, and oil. Cook Time: 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: Go ahead and schedule your gastric bypass surgery for tomorrow. Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare some mac ‘n’ cheese (you’re college students, we refuse to walk you through that one). - Heat ½ cup of oil in a skillet. - While that heats, pour a cup of flour into a bowl. - Beat two eggs in another bowl. - Scoop out fist-sized balls of your macaroni and roll it around in some flour. - Dip your balls in the eggs until it’s fully covered. - Drop your balls in the hot oil and wait until they turn golden and crispy. - Once all sides are browned, place your balls on a paper towel-lined tray, let ‘em cool, then dive on in. You really can make these any shape you want, but we are having just too much fun telling you to place your balls in different foods. You like that, don’t you?
Hungry for More? theblacksheeponline.com
continued from the cover
page 13
back-to-back 8-5 seasons. Congrats! Now we find out that it goes all the way back to 2001 when you actually made up African-American Studies classes so that Julius Peppers could have a 1.95 GPA. You actually made up classes for him and he STILL managed to get under a 2.0. Then you go ahead and force us to watch Tyler Hansbrough for four whole years. WHY?! North Carolina – You can ask any ACC school student what they think about the N…C… State….NC State Wolfpack, and it’s an almost universal reaction of disgust. That, or they say “You mean UNC?” The Wolfpack is the scum of the Triangle area. They’re in that part of town that Duke and Tar Heel fans tell their children to avoid wandering into. Each year, Wolfpack fans think they have “team to beat” in the ACC. Instead, they continue to add to the 30+ years of failing to win a conference championship. Oh, did I mention they gave us Phillip Rivers, the NFL’s biggest douchebag? Yeah…No. Pittsburgh and Syracuse – You’re not even here yet and we already hate you. Why are you contaminating the ACC with your shitty football teams? This is why we can’t have nice things. Virginia – The ACC is to Virginia what Miami is to the ACC. With their pompous attitudes and high GPAs, Virginia is the Minkus of the conference (Boy Meets World, anybody?), making all of us feel like shit for our average intelligence. The downside is that GPAs don’t help our conference catch up to the SEC football standard. Virginia Tech – Your terrifying team name, the Hokies, is only a step up from South Carolina’s Gamecocks. But the reason everyone hates you is for your tendency to always be the bridesmaid, and never the bride. Frank Beamer and his disgusting neck bubble have produced the third-longest streak of bowl appearances since 1993, has given them 7 conference championships (3 in the Big East, 4 in the ACC) and absolutely zero National Championships. Get it together, Tech!
oh yeah, we also have really hot girls. 102 Earle St | Downtown Clemson | 864.653.7581
kitchen open 11:30am - 11 pm Lunch and dinner is open to all ages! daily lunch specials
THURSDAY BURGER & BEER NIGHT!
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the riddle
can you figure out what the hell this riddle says? email us the question and the answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and possibly win a prize!
the classtime
summer & winter olympic sports
Across
1) A certain Cleveland native comes to mind. 3) Love! 4) Nicole Richie would suck at this sport. 7) Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. 10) Tweet, tweet. 11) Neigh! 12) This grappling sport means “gentle way.” 13) Hipsters on steroids. 17) Stickin’ that booty out for the good of the sport. 18) Housewives would pick this up so easily. 19) A new addition for the 2016 Rio games.
5) Forrest Gump would definitely win a gold medal. 6) These nasty people get flexy. 8) Iceland digs this sport the most. 9) Really intense football, basically. 14) First played in 19th century Canada. 15) White picket. 16) This was known as yachting until 1996. 20) One of the most dangerous sports.
Down
2) Skeet, skeet, skeet. 3) Three times the difficulty.
Answers
Six degrees of separation
Think you know how Roseanne Barr and Matthew McConaughey are connected?
Send us your answer at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a pretty awesome prize!
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Meet The Staff
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owner Atish Doshi Founders Molly Griffin, Matthew Clayton, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com Hate Us? lame@theblacksheeponline.com
Top of the Tavern Subway Backstreets Pub Firehouse Nicks Tavern Brioso Overtime 356 Pepinos Pita Pit Moes Todaro Little Ceasers Wingin It Grouchos Loose Change Burger Joint TD’s The Bronze Tiger Triple T’s Sloan Street Tap Senn’s Flowers on Sloan Room
Esso Jersey Mikes Tiger Properties Student Union El Jimadore Ultratan Columbos Pizza Hendrix Student Hair South Center Monterreys Croc’s Clemson Brackett Hall Hudson Bagel MH Frank The Shoeboxes Mojo Coffee Blue Berry Frog Fike Recreation Tony’s Pizza Woodstone Pita Center Beef O’ Bradys Osaka The Horseshoe Off the Vine Hibachi Grill Dorms Bojangles Cookout Harcombe Dining Friars Tavern Fuji Hall Waffle House Mellow Mushroom
Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
Shilletter Dining Hall Sirrine Study Room Cooper Library University Village Chimney Ridge Crawford The Woodlands The Retreat GREEK HOUSES & MORE!
Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC 2130 W. Potomac Ave. Suite 1 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747
the classtime • Cans of ___1___, to mix in my roommates ___2___ blender with ___3___ so I can get my bulk on finally. • ___4___ and ___5___ to get my freak on with the ladies. Maybe some ___6___ for when we ___7___? Also, paper towels. • Solo cups ( ___8___ ones! Err’one love neon.) and ping-pong balls. • The new Doritos, ___9___ Extreme ___10___ , ___11___ Blast.
• Oh yeah, and ___13___ bagels. Oh yeah, and ___14___ but that’s from Carl. • Peanut butter, to mess with our neighbor’s ___15___ . And my ex. • Several cases of ___16___ and a 6-pack of ___17___ to impress my ___18___ dad. • Dumb ___19___ Burnetts, so the hotties dance on the table. ___20___ so my bros get into brawls. ___21___ for the people I really care about (sexy biddies). • ___22___, if I can find them, for those lonely nights.
1) gross protein 2) adjective for bad 3) Vegetable 4) Ice cream topping 5) Uncommon fruit 6) type of syrup 7) sex position 8) bright color 9) B-List athlete 10) type of cheese 11) type of spice 12) Large number 13) flavor 14) slang for weed 15) odd pet 16) shitty beer 17) craft beer 18) adjective for mean 19) fruit 20) hard liquor 21) Expensive alcohol 22) childhood snack
go tigers!
go tigers!
• ___12___ cases of Mountain Dew, doubles as a chaser and hangover cure.
madlib: Grocery Store List