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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 1 8/30/12 - 9/5/12
theblacksheeponline.com @theblacksheepUD
WHAT YOU MISSED OVER SUMMER Jason Hewett wrote this
PREPARE YOURSELF: The University has accepted too many students again, but this time they’ve found ways to compensate. Some of these changes may come as a shock, and you may be wondering if you’re going to the same school as last year. Here’s the gist of what you missed - be warned that it may affect your social, scholastic, and sexual lives. FRESHMEN FRIDAYS: After spending much of the entire summer arguing the issue over Facebook, the University of Delaware’s Student Government Association (SGA) signed a bill into law that allows freshmen to stay up past their bedtime on Fridays, provided that they are accompanied by a responsible upperclassman and secured on a leash. UDEL RAISES TUITION “ONLY 4.5%”: Associate Vice President Dean of Admission Esq. Dan Bakersfield announced last month that University of Delaware tuition would be raised, effective fall 2012. Despite numerous complaints from parents and students, Bakersfield said it’s not so bad when you look at the big picture. “You’ve got to understand, college tuition is going up everywhere. The economy in this country is comparable to that of Ireland during the potato famine.” To further elucidate, Bakersfield pulled a potato out of his pocket, only to spill several crumpled $100 bills on the floor. Competitors like Duke University, Villanova, and Wichita Community College of Kansas, have all raised their tuition prices by a steep 5%. Delaware has only raised its tuition by 4.5%, sending just 154 parents into financial crisis. “We had to sell the pool house Lupita was living in so that Christina could still go here,” one mother wrote to President Harker. She said she wasn’t the only parent that was put in this “pickle.” She wasn’t kidding. President Harker’s secretary said she read over 230 emails in July alone, and expects to read the 900th sometime this week. Parents are saying they have “no other choice.” “All I want are answers,” said Sharon Henson, who sold both of her husband’s kidneys to pay tuition for her son, Brian, “I understand why the prices are going up, but as parents, we still deserve answers.” CAMPUS LIFE TO BAN SQUIRRELS: Taking effect September 19th, squirrels are no longer permitted to be on campus. Residence Life Officials say that the bushy-tailed rodents have lived on campus for as long as anyone can remember, and it’s simply
a modest proposal
erin wants to take down corporate america's booth-o-poloy.
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time for them to go.
as preparing to fight like real Blue Hens.
“Well, it just seems like the right thing to do,” said Residence Life spokeswoman Nancy Perch.
“Our goal this year is to score more points than our opponents. We’ve seen this type of strategy work well for other teams in the past, so we thought we would try to learn a thing or two from it.”
To the surprise of many, the squirrels have not shown signs of planning to relocate, despite warnings from the heavily armed campus police that this policy would be “Strictly Enforced.” Extensive plans for a massive squirrel catch-and-release deportation have been drawn up. The squirrels will be caught and then transported to Dover, where they will provide an inexhaustible supply of food for the wild rednecks of Slower Lower Delaware. Following the deportation, students and faculty are advised that any squirrel found on campus will receive a fine up to $250. FOOTBALL: HENS LOOK FORWARD TO A WINNING SEASON WITH REVOLUTIONARY GAMEPLAN: At a recent press conference, Coach Wilson said the team’s been putting in a lot of work in the offseason making much-needed changes, as well
what’s inside
While it’s taking some time for players to adapt to this revolutionary philosophy, physical performance has improved all around the field. Quarterbacks have learned which end of the field to throw towards, receivers are learning it’s easier to catch the ball with their hands, and the offensive line coach proudly reported that his players are now competing with the speed of a freshly milked cow. Look on the bright side, your tuition money is paving the way towards a great new semester. Freshmen are always a top choice for pets, and you won’t have to vaccinate them because the squirrels will be gone. Who knows what to expect from the football team? Here’s to current events that matter. Now who’s going out tonight?
the blue hen olympics
dining plan too expensive
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avoiding past hookups on the walk to class is a sport.
when the goin' gets turf, the turf gets goin'.