The Black Sheep
f Ce ree. nt .. l er ike gi ve the s o co ut nd on om Va s t le he nt H in ea e’s lth Da y!
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
theblacksheeponline.com @theblacksheepUD
Volume 4, Issue 1 • 2/07/13 - 2/20/13
How to Survive
a Single Valentine’s Day Brittany Choplin wrote this
Good old February 14th. If we can say anything about the one day we celebrate love, it’s that we hate everyone. Don’t worry, no discrimination here. We hate vomit-inducing couples and bitching single people equally. Listen, your Facebook status sarcastically wishing everyone a happy “Singles Awareness Day” is not original. And hey, we really hope you know that your boyfriend bought you the cheapest bouquet they sell. Now don’t get us wrong, we’re still as single and bitter as the rest of you. But why should we sit on our asses and watch as everyone else has a great day? There’s nothing more satisfying than ruining a day we despise for someone else too. Misery loves company, and it’s up to us lonely assholes to spread the pain and suffering. Here’s how you can survive Valentine’s Day as a single soldier. Find Your Future Husband. Pop on a fake engagement ring and wait until you see someone proposing. Run up to the couple, slap the man, and scream, “You bought her a bigger ring!” Bonus points if you stuff a pillow in your shirt to fake a pregnancy. There’s nothing like some Jerry Springer action going down in a five-star restaurant. Sing Your Heart Out. Get trashed and find a local bar sponsoring a love-themed karaoke night. Pay off the DJ and sing timeless hits like “Stupid Hoe” by Nicki Minaj while making direct eye contact with everyone that you can. You’ll throw off the romance vibes and maybe even hook up with any single prospects who are as drunk as you are. Feel the Passion. Third wheeling it is right up there with annoying things like waiting in line at the DMV and jury duty. Third wheeling it on Valentine’s Day is a form of torture that is inhumane and wrong. If you end up in this situation, assure that the couple you’re paired with is having just as much fun as you are. Sneak in comments like “I didn’t hear you compliment her dress, Bob!” and “Cindy, didn’t you say he was beginning to bald?” and watch as the fireworks go off. They’ll be clawing each other’s eyes out by the end of the night and you’re guaranteed some reality television level entertainment. Make the Love Last. Excessive PDA is, well, excessive. Yes, Valentine’s Day is all about love, but in no way did anyone request to see you practically making it. So if you see a couple
Things that might have happened without bacon
If you’re not bacon-it, you’re just fakin’ it.
page 3
dry humping on a bench in broad daylight, teach them a lesson. Grab some duct tape and tape them together. That sticky situation will teach them a lesson before they engage in soft core porn next to a children’s playground. Put Family First. Steal your guy friend’s wallet! Now don’t worry, this isn’t as criminal as it sounds. Many guys keep necessary supplies, such as condoms, in their wallets. So slip in a picture of his grandma next to a condom, pat him on the back, and tell him to have fun tonight. His girlfriend is going
what'’s inside
to wonder what turned him off so bad that he ran out of the room screaming and crying for Nana. Some of these methods may seem like cruel and unusual punishment, but the idea of celebrating couples who already celebrate themselves for 364 days a year is just ridiculous. So make sure you plaster a smile on your face and fuck with as many people as possible. Because sobbing in your room watching The Notebook and making love to Ben and Jerry isn’t going to boost your spirits. Trust us.
freshman girl trying to avoid weird kid
"US" Sucks on Valentine's Day
page 4
page 7
Remember: always be yourself. Unless you’re not cool. Then be someone else.
Who wants to dine with their man when they can wine with their girls!?