The Black Sheep
F un REE. do .. l cu ike me ca nt reer ed on ad lin vic e s e fr ou om rc es !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 3 • 3/7/13 - 3/20/13
theblacksheeponline.com @theblacksheepUD
Career Fair Ends Early When
Student Offered Every Job Chris Gray wrote this
Twice a year, the University of Delaware campus is filled with hopeful sounds, sights, and smells of career fair season. Freshly printed resumes flutter happily in the wind, high heels clatter down the sidewalks of Main Street with their pencil-skirted owners, and burgeoning young businessmen sweat profusely under their father’s hand-me-down blazers. This February, however, these festivities were brought to an abrupt close as a female finance and accounting major with minors in marketing and Spanish reportedly took all of the jobs at the career fair (or at least the ones anyone would want). For safety reasons, her name has been omitted from the article. Justin Heanue, our Black Sheep business correspondent and frequent contributor for CNBC was at the scene. “It was really quite remarkable,” he told us, “[The girl] cut a swath through the entire fair. One by one, each stand simply began turning away prospective applicants and packing up their kiosks shortly after speaking with her. First it was J.P. Morgan, then Chase soon followed suit. PricewaterhouseCoopers was the third to go, and at that point it was just chaos. A recruiter from Teach for America tried to handcuff the student to her table as the representatives from Pepsi showered her with free hats and pens. Building security was called to escort [the girl] from the Bob Carpenter Center and were nearly mobbed as recruiters from every company made a frantic rush to hand her a business card, shake her hand, or steal a lock of her hair. It was really something.” The career fair ended at twelvefifteen p.m.; it had started at noon. Once the dust had settled, The Black Sheep tracked down some of the recruiters to hear their side of the story. Lidia from Deloitte told us, “I’ve been a recruiter for ten years and I’ve never seen a resume like that. I don’t even know how she fit all of her credentials on it—she must have invented her own font to keep her resume on one page. And the paper – oh, the paper! I’ve never felt stationary like that. It felt like it was made of cat fur and clouds. I think I’ll call her right now to see if she’s made a decision.” Bob, a representative from J.P. Morgan, spoke a bit about his impressions. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. According to her resume, she has been valedictorian of her high school for the past three years. She ran an animal shelter in her town one summer while acing a full course load of accounting classes at a local community college. This was in eighth grade. Her handshake nearly took my arm off. And she’s, like, super hot. Wait. Scratch that last thing I said. No
Obscure March Holidays Just when you thought St. Paddy’s Day was this month’s only reason to get drunk…
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the thing about me saying she’s hot. Everything I said after the hot thing until now. Yes, including this. Ugh, never mind.” In a brief interview with [the girl], we asked if she has any tips for her peers who are still trying so hard to find employment. She told us, “It’s easy to find a job! You just have to be yourself and all the companies will offer you money and free iPads. As one can imagine, students aren’t quite as excited as [name redacted] about their future prospects. All around campus, outraged students from all schools and majors are voicing their frustration. “Why is she even here? This school isn’t that good. Go to Harvard, you weirdo,” said Chris Gray, freshman agriculture major.
what'’s inside
Top Ten: Ways to Illegally raise your gpa
How to make studying your Plan B.
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“She was offered a graphic design job that I got snubbed for, and she’s not even an art student. What a bitch,” said senior graphic design major, Lucia Mandarino. “I’ll never amount to anything,” said senior economics and finance major, Bill Cauley, as tears streamed down his sullen face, “I’m a big loser and I’ll never have a real job.” Well, congratulations, [name redacted]. We at The Black Sheep are sure we speak for everyone when we say, thanks a lot for making everybody else look bad. Enjoy your bright future of success and financial security, you horrible monster.
Creative Booty Calls Because an arrangement of phallic pepperoni gets our motors running.
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