The Black Sheep
F un REE. do .. l cu ike me ca nt reer ed on ad lin vic e s e fr ou om rc es !
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 3 • 3/7/13 - 3/20/13
theblacksheeponline.com @theblacksheepUD
Career Fair Ends Early When
Student Offered Every Job Chris Gray wrote this
Twice a year, the University of Delaware campus is filled with hopeful sounds, sights, and smells of career fair season. Freshly printed resumes flutter happily in the wind, high heels clatter down the sidewalks of Main Street with their pencil-skirted owners, and burgeoning young businessmen sweat profusely under their father’s hand-me-down blazers. This February, however, these festivities were brought to an abrupt close as a female finance and accounting major with minors in marketing and Spanish reportedly took all of the jobs at the career fair (or at least the ones anyone would want). For safety reasons, her name has been omitted from the article. Justin Heanue, our Black Sheep business correspondent and frequent contributor for CNBC was at the scene. “It was really quite remarkable,” he told us, “[The girl] cut a swath through the entire fair. One by one, each stand simply began turning away prospective applicants and packing up their kiosks shortly after speaking with her. First it was J.P. Morgan, then Chase soon followed suit. PricewaterhouseCoopers was the third to go, and at that point it was just chaos. A recruiter from Teach for America tried to handcuff the student to her table as the representatives from Pepsi showered her with free hats and pens. Building security was called to escort [the girl] from the Bob Carpenter Center and were nearly mobbed as recruiters from every company made a frantic rush to hand her a business card, shake her hand, or steal a lock of her hair. It was really something.” The career fair ended at twelvefifteen p.m.; it had started at noon. Once the dust had settled, The Black Sheep tracked down some of the recruiters to hear their side of the story. Lidia from Deloitte told us, “I’ve been a recruiter for ten years and I’ve never seen a resume like that. I don’t even know how she fit all of her credentials on it—she must have invented her own font to keep her resume on one page. And the paper – oh, the paper! I’ve never felt stationary like that. It felt like it was made of cat fur and clouds. I think I’ll call her right now to see if she’s made a decision.” Bob, a representative from J.P. Morgan, spoke a bit about his impressions. “I couldn’t believe my eyes. According to her resume, she has been valedictorian of her high school for the past three years. She ran an animal shelter in her town one summer while acing a full course load of accounting classes at a local community college. This was in eighth grade. Her handshake nearly took my arm off. And she’s, like, super hot. Wait. Scratch that last thing I said. No
Obscure March Holidays Just when you thought St. Paddy’s Day was this month’s only reason to get drunk…
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the thing about me saying she’s hot. Everything I said after the hot thing until now. Yes, including this. Ugh, never mind.” In a brief interview with [the girl], we asked if she has any tips for her peers who are still trying so hard to find employment. She told us, “It’s easy to find a job! You just have to be yourself and all the companies will offer you money and free iPads. As one can imagine, students aren’t quite as excited as [name redacted] about their future prospects. All around campus, outraged students from all schools and majors are voicing their frustration. “Why is she even here? This school isn’t that good. Go to Harvard, you weirdo,” said Chris Gray, freshman agriculture major.
what'’s inside
Top Ten: Ways to Illegally raise your gpa
How to make studying your Plan B.
page 4
“She was offered a graphic design job that I got snubbed for, and she’s not even an art student. What a bitch,” said senior graphic design major, Lucia Mandarino. “I’ll never amount to anything,” said senior economics and finance major, Bill Cauley, as tears streamed down his sullen face, “I’m a big loser and I’ll never have a real job.” Well, congratulations, [name redacted]. We at The Black Sheep are sure we speak for everyone when we say, thanks a lot for making everybody else look bad. Enjoy your bright future of success and financial security, you horrible monster.
Creative Booty Calls Because an arrangement of phallic pepperoni gets our motors running.
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page two word of the week
Pic
Week!
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Civiliesed: A faCade of normalcy put up by college students when visiting parents arrive.
“Quick Karen, hide our collection of stolen keg taps, my parents are five minutes out and we have to be civiliesed.”
Finally, something to accommodate the extremely tall ladies.
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I'm sooo duckin' drink Brian McManus wrote this
College students have two main habits: drinking and social networking. Both of these activities are wonderful, but sometimes, two great things should not be mixed. For example, everybody loves cinnamon rolls and everyone loves cheeseburgers. Putting a cheeseburger between two cinnamon rolls, however, would just be repulsive (although Burger King is like, one step away from doing this). The same concept applies to drinking and social networking. Social networking is a great way to connect with friends and share interests; however, when alcohol is added into the mix, only bad things can happen. The problem is, college students do almost all of their social networking while intoxicated. Furthermore, due to the recent parental invasion of Facebook, Twitter is now the most appropriate venue for drunk social networking.
haha,” is a decent drunk tweet. “Were so ducking drink hahahaha HAHAHAHAHAHA ahaha” is something you would have seen on Lindsay Lohan’s Twitter in 2010. Never tweet directly at your crush: Never. Just don’t do it. “@yourcrushsusername OMG where r uuuu #drunk” is never a good idea. The tweet alone is embarrassing, but what happens if they actually reply? Then you’re forced to have an entire drunken conversation with them, but instead of embarrassing text messages, these tweets are public. Everybody can see them. There’s no way that your drunk flirting will be sexy or enticing, so avoid tweets like “@crush ur cu te come ovrr.”
There is definitely a time during the night when it is best to put down your phone and cease all texting, calling, and social networking. The problem is, when you’re drunk there’s no way you’re actually going to realize that it’s time to stop. This is when the art of tweeting whilst drunk really comes into play, as there are definitely some things to avoid when doing it. Drunk tweeting, as we like to call it, is a dangerous craft, and we have some suggestions to help you become a professional drunk tweeter.
Avoid all sexual tweets: Late at night, Twitter can be a dark place. It is not uncommon for the occasional bro to tweet “it would be really great if a girl would give me a blow job while I’m playing Xbox.” Drunk or sober, this is never okay. Of course when we drink we lose our inhibitions, but please, by all means, do not tweet about sex. You will regret it the next morning. If you don’t regret it, then maybe you have more issues that we can’t help resolve. No matter how many shots of tequila you throw back, keep the sexual frustration to yourself and off of Twitter.
Autocorrect is your biggest enemy: When you’re drunk, autocorrect sends you through the seventh circle of Hell. It’s obvious that a sober man invented autocorrect, but even sober, autocorrect is a struggle. Autocorrect easily changes common words like “well” to “we’ll,” “fuck” to “duck,” “drunk” to “drink” and “haha” to “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.” These common mistakes make you seem even more trashed to all of your Twitter followers. “We’re fucking so drunk
If you follow these suggestions, you will definitely master the art of drunk tweeting. Not only does drunk tweeting show off how much fun you’re having to all of your followers, it also helps you remember your night the next day while you’re hungover. Innocent drunk tweets are cute. Drunk tweeting lyrics and deep thoughts are always entertaining, so keep it up. With practice, you can be the best damn drunk tweeter Twitter has ever seen.
How to Make Every Day an Opportunity to Celebrate Using Obscure March Holidays Kim Hogan wrote this Friday, March 8th: Be Nasty Day/International Working Women’s Day: Similar to the inventions of high heels and the underwire bra, this would appear to be an idea constructed by a man looking for an easier, better way to get laid. While it is not the most subtle attempt at coercing women into the sack, creating a holiday dedicated to women in the work place while simultaneously celebrating “being nasty,” has been filed into historical records as the most effort a man has ever put into wooing women. Ever. Saturday, March 9th: Panic Day: Holy shit! Panic Day is here at last! The only way to celebrate this epic holiday is to heed the recommended rituals, which begin with the longstanding tradition of waking up to a fire alarm, while someone in military attire yells at you through a bullhorn. Next comes a series of failed attempts at navigating your daily routine, which has been rigged with a series of intricate booby traps, bringing your already elevated anxiety level through the roof. Finally, finish off your night with a rousing 2 hours of listening to Lewis Black talk about the government. If none of these things have resulted in a prescription for blood pressure medication, then drive to 7-Eleven and make yourself a big batch of chili nachos. If that doesn’t put the panic in you then you are truly a champ. Sunday, March 10th: Middle Name Pride Day: Frances, Muriel, the letter “X.” We’ve all heard those horrifying middle names. We’ve even given Andrew Seymour Butts a power wedgie in second grade for having the audacity to allow himself to receive such a stupid name. But on this one day of the
year, it’s finally time to let your middle name freak flag fly and be proud that your parents may or may not have given you a stupid middle name to help them cope with the fact that you were the result of a broken condom. Today is a day for everyone else to finally be on the receiving end of a metaphorical wedgie from Michael Hugh Jass. Monday, March 11th: Worship of Tools Day: Now by tools, we can safely assume this is referring to the ones you might purchase at Home Depot and not the ones you might find at all of Kappa Alpha’s pledge events. According to generations of folklore that we just made up, this day is a simple celebration of mankind’s intricate history of tool discovery and the ability to turn everyday objects (wheel-shaped rocks) into extraordinary inventions (wheels). So celebrate a rich tradition of accidental discovery by turning other everyday objects (washing machines) into amazing innovations (home aquariums for exotic fish). Tuesday, March 12th: Girl Scouts Day: Now this may seem like just a simple day dedicated to stuffing your face full of one of earth’s greatest creations, the Girl Scout cookie. But more importantly, what does your favorite cookie say about you? If you favor Thin Mints, you are probably a female, most often one encountering symptoms of PMS. If you always go for a box of Tagalongs, you are an indecisive snacker, unable to choose between the two delicious worlds of peanut butter and chocolate. And if you find yourself choking down a box of those weird lemon ones, then you may want to reconsider the reason you were at a table of underage girls in the first place.
Wednesday, March 13th: Ear Muff Day: We are literally at a loss for words and feel that perhaps the creator of this esteemed holiday was scraping the bottom of the barrel just a little. Thursday, March 14th: Pi Day: More American than the Fourth of July, this holiday is a celebration of pastries. And as with most American holidays, we honor the age-old tradition of forsaking the original meaning of this day (math), in favor of more commercial rituals, such as baking a substance that almost passes for fruit into a doughy crust that definitely passes for dessert. Who cares that pi is an important mathematical concept, pondered by some of the greatest minds in the history of academia, like Archimedes and Isaac Newton? Why contemplate pi when you can fill your plate with pie?
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A Day at U. Del Dillon McLaughlin wrote this
10.) Blowjobs: We might as well start with the most forward way: sexual favors. What teacher doesn’t want to satisfy the cravings they don’t have for you? Exactly. Send them an email, smile more often, and wear less and less clothing to class. Boom, A+.
4:35 a.m. – Sleep as the first of the athletes roll out of their university-assigned, clearly superior housing.
9.) Make your teacher disappear/replace with a new one who likes you: Clearly the only reason you’re failing is because Mr. I Wear the Same Suit Everyday doesn’t like you. It’s all personal. So take him, and his suit, and replace him with Mrs. I Love Anyone Who Responds in Class. She’ll give you an A.
8:30 a.m. – Miss the alarm and keep sleeping. 8:40 a.m. – Wake up in a panic. Girls throw on yoga pants and a Northface. Guys throw on sweatpants and a hoodie.
8.) Drag race the proctors: Do you think it’s fun to sit around, watch students cheat, and ruin lives by turning them in? No. Offer to drag race a proctor down Main Street to let them feel alive again. If you win, make them promise to let you cheat. If you lose, offer to race again sometime soon. Win win.
8:42 a.m. – Walk to class. Guys: cold because a hoodie isn't enough for 20 degree weather. Girls: really cold.
7.) Hack the system: This option works for literally every field except computer science. Figure out the system’s coding and change that C++ to a B++. A teacher will notice if you change your grade drastically, so just jump one at a time.
9:05 a.m. – Class. Nothing interesting happens.
11: 20 a.m. – Students return to their rooms. Guys: Play video games. Girls: Literally, who knows? 11:50 a.m. – Lunch. Start rounding up some friends so that people don't mistake you for some kind of misanthrope. 11:55 a.m. – Find no friends for lunch, so have an internal debate about how people always make horrible assumptions about people who eat by themselves. Resolve to never make fun of people who eat alone, as you eat alone. 12:00 p.m. – Make fun of a person eating by himself. Immediately feel guilty and self-conscious. Bury face in plate and avoid eye contact. 12:47 p.m. – That one asshole friend finally wakes up. He doesn't have class until 2 and he always brags about it. He's got some intro gen-ed class that half the time he doesn't go to, so sometimes he doesn't get out of bed until 3. Seriously, screw that guy. 8:00 p.m. – Homework is first thought about, but decided against. Four thousand Netflix accounts are borrowed. 9:15 p.m. – Homework is again considered, but the continuous play function of Hulu and Netflix discourage productivity.
Top 10
Ways to Illegally Raise your GPA
Let’s face it – we’re a month into the semester and you’ve already fucked up. You can either cry about it and change your major to something safer like “art appreciation,” or you could suck it up, take The Black Sheep’s advice, and change your GPA illegally.
There's no normal way to spend a day. Except for this one. This is the way we spend our days at UD. Unless you're a commuter. Commuters are basically feral humans in a rehabilitation program designed to quietly sneak them into society.
10:10 a.m. – More class. Somehow less interesting than the first time. Most students are napping at their desks at this point.
The
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the fact that the dining hall is the only option. Silently hate the dining hall. 11:40 a.m. – Friends finally ready to go to the dining hall. Vocally hate the dining hall, while silently admitting its convenience. 12:30 p.m. – Finish brunch and leave dining hall. 12:31 to 7:59 p.m. – No one knows what happens here. Most popular theory is that this time doesn't actually exist on weekends and everyone skips right to 8:00 p.m.
6.) Force everyone to pray for you DURING school hours: This might not be middle school anymore, but the separation of church and state still exists. It may be a very loose and strange law, but if you force everyone into a Christian prayer for your future, someone will throw a fit and sue you. You will get that "A" through the grace of prayer, but run the risk of a lawsuit. It’s all worth it in the end. 5.) Radiation poisoning/developing special powers: Let’s focus less on blaming others and more blaming on you. You failed. Fix it. Get intense amounts of radiation, chill with it sitting on your desk, have a snack, and the next thing you know, your brain cells will be so mutated that you’ll suddenly remember everything. Can someone say, memorize the test key?
8:00 p.m. – Most drinking begins. Virtually every freshman girl is wasted, while most guys are sporting a healthy buzz. The first utterance of, “No, seriously, watch this.” 8:33 p.m. – All the people who can't hold their liquor are throwing up in various places, including bathrooms, dorm rooms, living rooms, and assorted buckets. Inevitably, someone is puked on and a friendship is damaged. 9:00 p.m. – Friendship restored after the puker makes a stupid pun and the pukee chuckles heartily. 10:00 p.m. – Pregame finally ends, and moves are made to actually find a party. Roughly 1,600 text messages saying, “Yo anything going on tonite?” are sent. 10:30 p.m. – Still no response. Everyone takes one more shot in anticipation of the night's events. 10:45 p.m. – Still no response. Drunk people trading stories of how drunk they were last weekend. The one sober friend starts to get annoyed.
4.) Identity theft: You sit right next to him, the smart kid, the kid with all the answers. You know, the one who raises his hand and who got a 105% on the last exam. Steal all that he is via identity theft. All you have to do is take his wallet one day, assume he’s stupid enough to carry around his social security card, and hire someone on Craigslist to do the rest.
11:26 p.m. – Panic about work.
10:50 p.m. – Still no response. (Generic name) tells his story for the 42nd time about that one time he struck out with a girl but it's okay because he was drunk.
3) Drop every class BEYOND the drop date: Seriously, who has ever done this? No one, because it’s illegal. The school made you sign a contract to agree never to do that. So if you do, they’ll be so shocked you had the balls to do so that they’ll consider you a genius and pass you for every class.
11:27 p.m. – Realize that grades aren't the most important thing in college and calm down.
11:25 p.m. – Response. Frat party or sports party on Cleveland. Everyone leaves at once.
11:27:30 p.m. – Realize that companies look at GPAs when they're hiring now and begin panicking again.
11: 48 p.m. – Arrive at the party at the same time as the cops. Poorly conceal drunkenness. Cop rolls his eyes and lets you walk away.
2) Hostages, naked: Take a few people from your class hostage by blocking the classroom door, naked. That usually gets some press, and then others will feel sympathy for your problem and side with you (for the desperate part, not the tiny penis part). Make sure you take people that others will actually call for help -- quiet kid in the corner won’t put up much of a fight since he’ll think he’s found a new friend.
11: 57 p.m. – Go to sleep a tired and broken (wo) man.
12:02 a.m. – Tell friends about how you almost got arrested, but the cop totally didn't see you were drunk and you got away, but almost had to run.
10:03 p.m. – That arbitrary midnight deadline for homework is approaching rapidly. Finally close the entertainment tabs on the internet, and read the assignment sheet for the first time. 11:00 p.m. – Take a well-deserved break, because 45 straight minutes of work is just too much.
Weekends 11:32 a.m. – Drag self out of bed to eat. Bemoan
12:14 a.m. – Go to sleep a tired and broken (wo) man.
1) Adderall in heavy, heavy doses: There exists a drug that can literally solve all your problems. Get some, take one pill for each credit hour you’re taking, and wait for the magic to kick in. THERE WON’T BE ANY REPURCUSSIONS LIKE LOSS OF BLOOD, HAIR, OR DIGNITY!!!1!! HAHAHAHHAAAH! SERIOUSLY THOUGH I ORGANIZED MY ITUNES IN LIKE 20 MINUTES!!!!!
Shannon Poulsen wrote this
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How to Handle a Situation in which
You Are WAY Too Drunk
Kelia Scott wrote this “Be cool, just… be cool.” Those are the words you say to yourself as you try to pep talk your way out of those last five drinks in the hope that you can pass as a coherent human being. Whether you’re in class, at work, in church or at a family function, we’ve all been there. You are WAY too drunk for your surroundings right now. You need to know about these situations so that you can avoid them. If you’ve already found yourself seeing double, we’ll help you figure out how to fake your way out of getting caught. What do you say to yourself when you have to go somewhere or do something you don’t want to do? The phrase “I could use a drink,” comes to mind. This is an understandable feeling, but one that could easily lead to things getting out of hand at your cousin’s baby shower. When you find yourself in an awkward situation in which alcohol is available, don’t immediately turn to your old friend Jose Cuervo. Start with a small glass of wine or a beer. Those beverages take longer to drink, so you’ll be more aware of how tipsy you might be getting. Remember when you ripped five shots and turned to your friend claiming you didn’t feel anything? Cut to ten minutes later when you pretended to be Rafiki from The Lion King and monkey-danced on the table. Do us all a favor and slow down. If you’re anything like us, you starve yourself all day in anticipation of the party so you can maximize the amount of delicious food you’re able to eat there. Family events always have
the good stuff and it’s tempting to wait, but drinking on an empty stomach can lead to uncomfortable (and perhaps hazy) family memories. Make sure you’ve had something to eat that day and don’t hesitate to load up on some snacks while you sip (and garnishes to hard booze doesn’t count). Another way to pace yourself is to alternate every alcoholic drink with a glass of water. If you can chug a beer in 10 seconds, you can chug water that fast too. But don’t chug a beer then immediately chug a water, that has upchucking all over your aunt’s cat written all over it. We all hate class anyway, and it can be tempting to pregame before lectures. No judgment here, but sometimes that can be considered “frowned upon” by your professors. Let’s say you had a test in your 12:30 class and decided to celebrate with some big-boy beers on the patio at Grotto. Everything is all fine and dandy until you remember your mandatory 6-9 later that night. Whoops. Sometimes we find ourselves unprepared to handle a sober situation and have to improvise. While we are legally advised not to support going to class drunk, accidents (or intentions) can happen. Depending on the class, being tipsy might not be such a disaster. If you can post up in the back and avoid contributing anything for 3 hours, you’re set. The professors who encourage discussion and ask questions, however, will get you into trouble. If you speak at all, make sure you choose your words carefully. To you, your answer will be an intelligent and thoughtful commentary on poverty in third world nations. To everyone else,
it will be a babbling rant about “The Thrift Shop” song. Your best bet is to flip through the assigned text, pick a sentence you think is significant and say, “I think this section really clarified the issue for me.” Easy, vague, and undetectable. Even though we hope you take our advice and smoothly get through your younger neighbor’s Bar Mitzvah without incident, sometimes the booze gets the best of us. In those cases it’s best not to draw attention to yourself and just pray there’s no karaoke machine available. No one wants to be the cousin that butchered “Like a Virgin” in front of grandma.
m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B GAMES G The IN K IN R |D R SPECIALS | BA ARTICLES
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Stella Saturdays $2 12 ounce Stellas
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Martini Mondays $5 Martinis!
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Happy Hour! Monday - Thursday, 6-8pm: 1/2 Price Apps and $3 Beer of the Month Pints
All Day, Everyday: $2.50 Bud Light and Miller Lite Bottles $4.50 RBVs Happy Hour Mon-Fri (4-7): $2 Pints and $6 Pitchers
$2.50 coors light all day, every day!
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Blue Moon Pints
VIP Night - Dance Party w/ DJ Collision $5 Bomb Drinks, $ Irish Trash Cans, $20 Domestic Beer Towers, $2 Rail Pints
Happy Hour 4-7: $2 Pints and $6 Pitchers 4-11: $6 Bud/Miller/Yeungling Pitchers 9PM-Close: $2 Light Drafts $3 Jager and Applesauce Shots $3 Vodka Drinks 1/2 Price Wings & DJ Kevin
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$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
Newark's Best Happy Hour! 6-8pm: $2 Drafts and 1/2 Priced Apps DJ Collision House Mix Dance Party! 10pm - 1am $3 Pinnacle Flavored Vodka Drinks, $3 Select Craft Bottles
Throwback Night Happy Hour 4-7: $2 Pints and $6 Pitchers 9PM-Close: $3 Vodka Drinks and $3 Fireball Shots
College Night! FREE Happy Hour Carving Station $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts $3 Rail Drinks, SoCo Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls. $4 Captain Morgan Drinks $5 Senor Creepy
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
EPL Soccer live on the big screen! Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar (Served until 3pm) DJ Infamos: 9pm - 1am $4 Red Bull Vodka Pints, $4 Layered Pints
Come in for Brunch 11-2 5-10: $10 Off All Bottles of Wine 9-Close: $3 Vodka Drinks and Gummy Bear Shots DJ Nick!
Chef's Special! DJ 9pm $2.50 Coors Light
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
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Brunch 10-2 1/2 Price Entrees 4-10 9-Close: 1/2 Price Apps $3 Vodka Drinks, $2 Rails
All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $18.99 $2.50 Coors Light
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Leinenkugel Pints
Wing Night! 50 cent wings $2 Yuengling Pints Pub Quiz! Tournament Win Prizes! 9pm - 12am $3 Captain and Coke Drinks
Salsa Night w/ 1/2 Price Burgers! Happy Hour 4-7: $2 Pints and $6 Pitchers 9PM-Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $2 Rails $4 Fireball Shots
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$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Weinhard's IPA
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9PM-Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $2 Light Drafts $3 Jager/Applesauce Shots,
page 7
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Creative Booty Calls Brittany Choplin wrote this
We’ve all done it. We’ve all clawed through our pockets with our drunk little paws and found the most dangerous device known to man… the cellular phone. During the daylight and weekday hours, our phones are convenient and entertaining. During the weekend, our phones are potent weapons of mass destruction. After taking a bottle (or two) to the face, our phones become a one-way street to Shame City. Let’s be honest, you’re never going to live down the text you accidentally sent to your mom instead of your roommate saying, “GoTtuh geT it innn tonirgt.” Autocorrect gave up on you four drinks ago, sweetheart. Many college students know that the most common use for our cell phones during the weekend nights is the ever-so-frequent “booty call.” Now, maybe you’re in denial and giving yourself the “he’ll be my boyfriend soon” or “so what if she only calls after 3 a.m.” pep talk. The rest of us are laughing as we watch you embark on your never-ending quest for some mediocre sex (and that’s if you’re lucky and whiskey dick doesn’t plague you). Spice up your night life a little more, dude. Here are some innovative ways to get that booty right where it belongs…in your bed. Use some aphrodisiac food: Nothing says “take off your pants right now” like treating your sortof-special someone to some delivery. Order a pizza and hope that you get an employee with a sense of humor. How the hell could any decent human being leave you blue balled after receiving an extra large pie spelling out, “U want the D” in pepperoni? Channel your inner romantic: John Cusack once
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held a boombox over his head, blasting a love song in order to tell a girl how he felt. There’s no reason you can’t be just as suave! Grab your iPod and some speakers and stand outside her window blasting “Tonight I’m Fucking You.” There’s nothing more attractive than being blunt about it. Send out your bat signal: Now this one is a little more extensive, but if you really want some ass, no obstacle should stand in your way. Batman always responded to the bat signal when people needed him. Why wouldn’t your booty call respond to a booty signal displayed for all of campus to see? That’s right. Invest in a spotlight shaped like a donk and you can assure you will be satisfied tonight. Use a messenger: In the old days, people didn’t have the privilege of booty calling through text message. Bribe one of your drunk friends with the promise of pizza and send them on their way with a message in a bottle (a Bud Light bottle, obviously). When your friend with benefits rolls open the message inside to read “I want u so bad,” there’s no way they won’t be coming back to your place. Give them a gift: Just because you guys haven’t put a title on your weekly fuck-n-duck doesn’t mean it’s meaningless! Make sure your booty call is aware of exactly how you feel. Wrap yourself up in gift wrap and a big bow and lay on their bed waiting for them under the covers. Let’s just hope you don’t scare them to death. So now you know to think twice before you send that text with the winky face emoji that you’ll regret in the morning. Maybe it’s time to get a little innovative. You’re only their secret slampiece after all…why not have a little fun with it?
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bartender of the week scott timothy's Sign: Pisces Why did you want to work at Tim’s: I love interacting with people and it just makes sense to get paid to do what I love. Signature drink: It’s called Blue Drink. It’s a mix of a peach schnapps and vodka with a few mystery mixers. Best time to party at Tim’s: Friday nights but get here by 9:30 to avoid the line. Favorite subject in school: I really liked Econ, I find it interesting. I do some stock trading on the side so it comes in handy. What did you originally want to be when you grew up: I think I wanted
the drinking game: beeropoly
There’s no better combination than Monopoly and beer. It’s like whiskey and Coke, a match made in heaven (or at the local bar). Beeropoly will get you drunk before you past Go!, and spending $200 you can’t afford at a bar on Baltic Avenue. What You’ll Need: Beer and Monopoly. Number of Players: Two to eight. Level of Intoxication: Wasted enough to think the Monopoly money will be sufficient currency to pay cover and buy drinks with. How To Play: - Shotgun a beer before starting the game; do it twice if you’re the banker. - Take a shot of beer every time you roll the dice. - Beer bong a beer every time your drunken ass is sent to jail. - Chug every time you pass GO! - Drink half a beer every time you buy some property. - Sip a beer every time you land on a friend’s property. - When one player gets a monopoly everyone needs to take 7 shots of beer. - Take a shot of beer before picking up a “Chance” card or before reaching into the Community Chest. - Chug a beer every time you land on free parking or jail. - Take two shots of beer when you decide to sell a mortgage property. - Chug a beer when you go bankrupt. The Game Ends When: Does Monopoly ever end?
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to be a lawyer, but then I found out how people really felt about them. Now I’m a bartender and people love bartenders, so that’s perfect for me. Favorite drinking game: Beer-pong is the best drinking game! Where do you think we should spend our spring break: I hear Cancun is pretty popular. I would totally go to Cancun. Do you have any advice for graduating seniors: Take a break before you have to work, it’s worth it. But once you get started with your job, you gotta hit the ground running and work hard. Don’t do anything that won’t make you happy or the hard work won’t be worth it.
recipe for disaster: Politically Correct Puppy Chow It’s a combination of chocolate, peanut butter and crunchy goodness. It’s amazing whether you're drunk, high, or completely sober. Who in their right minds doesn’t love a great batch of puppy chow? This puppy chow doesn’t discriminate between black and white, but mixes it all together into one big mouth orgasm. What You’ll Need: 2 boxes of Chex cereal, 1 package of milk chocolate chips, 1 package of white chocolate chips, 2 sticks of butter, 1 jar of peanut butter, 2 teaspoons of vanilla extract, 1 package of powdered sugar, your favorite chocolate candies and a big ol’ pot. Cook Time: About an hour and a half ‘til snackage. Fatty Factor: Dentist recommended to cause cavities! Let’s Get Baked: - Place half the jar of peanut butter, the white chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and one stick of butter in a large pot. - Place the pot over the stove at medium heat until all ingredients are beautifully melted together. - Take the pot off the stove and mix in one box of Chex. - Place the white chocolate chow in a CLOSED zip lock bag, add in half the bag of powdered sugar and shake it up. - Place the bag in your fridge and wash the pot. - Do the same for the milk chocolate chips using the rest of the jar of peanut butter, the milk chocolate chips, one teaspoon of vanilla and the other stick of butter in the pot. - Let the two puppy chow mixes cool in the fridge for about an hour. - Once cooled mix them together and add your favorite candies in, like M&Ms or crushed Oreos. Always a great snack to bring to parties … or cuddle on the couch with while your roommate left you home alone all night for a hot date.
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From the Streets Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
If you could create your own national holiday, what would it be? “Reverse Prohibition Day. It's illegal to drink if you're over 21.” - Chris O.
“National No Pants Day, because no pants, no problem.”- Heather B.
“St. Patrick's Day pregame and postgame, March 16th and 18th. Actually, just make it a month.” - Adam D.
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we interview:
AER
Aer, white-assed duo (as opposed to White Ass Duo, our threesome buttsex flick) David von Mering and Carter Schultz, are famous for slash-reggae hits “Float My Boat” and “Feel I Bring.” While on tour with similarly-styled artist Hoodie Allen, they were kind enough to talk to us on the phone about life, love, and the pursuit of…just read the interview. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How did you guys get started? How did you guys meet? Aer: You want to know the details, everything you want to know about? Well, let’s see…We met as football stars in elementary school, became friends, took music seriously in high school. Then, viola. TBS: At what point did you realize you could make money doing something like this? Aer: We get going into senior year of high school, everyone’s focused on where they’re applying, and we weren’t. It didn’t seem like the time to get involved in all that, so we decided to take a year off to do our worst. We did our worst, and now we’re here. TBS: How do you maintain a business side of a band that’s all about having fun? Aer: Well, I mean, it shows what kind of people we are. We take the music seriously because it’s our job. Our friends are in college and we’re not, and that’s how we pay the bills. For us to pay the bills, we have to be entertaining, we have to be fun and fresh and wild. It’s serious being fun. TBS: But with a job that’s not 9-5, or without a class schedule you have to hold yourself to, how do you go, “here’s fun time, here’s relaxing time”? Aer: As a producer, I’m always thinking of ideas. These past two days I’ve made four instrumentals, whether they’re going to be on the album or not. It’s a constant output of material we choose from. The commitment is there, the everyday love of it is how we do it. We live and do shit in order to write about it. TBS: How do you get from an idea to a finished product? Aer: It starts with a beat. There’s some kind of emotion or vibe or feeling inside of that beat. Then, there’s a phrase after the beat that sums up the lyrical content. Carter will expand on it—for example, “Floats My Boat,” there’s that phrase, “I do what floats my boat,” that encompasses the whole song, and we go from there. TBS: Do you write for your audience, or do you write for yourself, hoping your audience appreciates what you have to say? Aer: I’m in the middle. If I wrote just for myself, you wouldn’t know what the fuck I was talking about—you’d think I’m obsessed with owls and eagles. I like to keep the arc to myself, but I try to make it relatable and understandable for all fans. TBS: You’re touring with Hoodie Allen right now. What’s the touring grind like? Aer: It’s like going to a summer camp where you don’t get to sleep and you’re constantly driving. A lot of kids wish they’re doing this, and that’s what keeps you positive about touring. A lot of people are doing 9-5 stuff, and I’m stepping on stage for a job; it really keeps things in perspective. TBS: How did you guys get hooked up with Hoodie Allen? Aer: We’ve always been good friends with him. He reached out a while back saying he liked our stuff, and it took a while, but he invited us on tour. It came out of nothing, to be honest. TBS: Is this tour a new challenge for you? Aer: At this point we’ve got touring down. I know what to put on my packing list, I know how long we’re staying out, I’ve lost enough shit on tour, and I know we’re going to go crazy on tour. TBS: Do you think you can better connect with college students because you’re in the same age group, as opposed to say, Bob Dylan? Aer: Of course. Using social media—Facebook, Twitter, all that stuff, allows us to connect better with our audience. We also love to hang out at the merch tables after our show that lets us meet everyone who came out. TBS: What do you guys do in your free time? Aer: I like taking girls to the movies. I like making omelettes. I prefer Greek salad over Caesar salad.
the big three
entertainment-y things to keep your eye out for.
David bowie - the next day out march 12th
It's the return of the Thin White Duke, folks. The Next Day is Bowie's first new album in a decade, and it promises to be a strong addition to a collection spanning four generations. Sure, Ole' Ziggy over there may not have the "up-beat party time jamz" of people like Skyblu and Redfoo, but this is a guy once so addicted to cocaine, he would only drink milk and eat red peppers. He'd toss those shots (shots, shots, shots, shots) back like baby medicine.
God of War: Ascension out march 12th
The seventh installment of the God of War franchise acts as a prequel to 2005's first iteration of the game. Here, we'll see how Kratos got picked on by bullies in high school, left for college, got mad jacked, then came back to kick some ass and take some names at his 10-year high school anniversary. Yeah, you get them, Kratos! Those jocks deserve those wedgies!
The Incredible Burt Wonderstone out march 15th
The latest Steve Carrell vehicle sees the lovable doofus playing an arrogant Las Vegas musician down and out after his partner (Steve Buscemi) leaves him. Enter Jim Carrey as street musician Steve Gray, out to overshadow the former legend. One can only assume this flick is rife with awkward pauses and moan-inducing crotch shots. Or both, when Carrey...uh...Carreycter makes contact, only to find that Carrell no longer has a pair.
Mansion. Apartment. Shack. House. Destination: - Panama City, Panama - Ibiza, Spain - Compton, California - Long Island, New York
Lodging: - Teepee - Penthouse - Back of Truck - Jail Cell
Most Likely To: - Never go home - Go to the hospital - Have sex in public - Stay drunk for 5 days straight
Travel Buddy: - Lady GaGa - Ke$ha - Chris Brown - Kanye West
Run In To: - Ex-Significant Other - Ronnie from Jersey Shore - Honey Boo Boo - Barack Obama
Least likely to: - Get laid - Do mushrooms again - Shower during Spring Break - Get any free drinks.
Mode of Transportation: - Miniature Horse - Longboard - Cartwheels - Hot Pink Vespa
Contest Win: - Gnome Lookalike - Mashed Potato Eating - Booty Shakin’ - Tequila Chugging
Souvenir: - Herpes - Broken Keychain - Tribal Tattoo - Pet Snake
How to play
Doodle some dots on the page until a friend (or your brain) tells you to stop. Starting with M.A.S.H., go around the board crossing off whatever option corresponds with your number. Go around the board until only one of each category is left. That, my friend, is your future. Enjoy it.
Meet The Staff campus manager Kim Hogan
Marketing manager Jaclyn Weisberg
Editorial manager Kim Hogan
campus director Quinn Myers
Advertising Manager Jake Wainwright
owner Atish Doshi Founders Kim Hogan, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers
Writers Jason Hewett, Hannah Linde Dillon McLaughlin, Kelia Scott Nikita Mutter, Brittany Choplin, Buddy Walnut, Brian McManus, Shannon Poulsen Anthony Armao, Christopher Gray
Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com
photographer Hannah Linde
Advertising? ads@theblacksheeponline.com
distribution manager Kim Hogan
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Social media manager Marissa Bianco
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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the crossword: spring break, baby! Across 2) All you’ll be wearing. 3) Two-piece beach attire. 4) You might get this kind of cup, filled with a daiquiri or something. 6) You just lay there. 9) This Mexican town may drive you loco. 12) Dad from the South 13) An all this resort is awesome. 14) You’ll need these, and Advil, to make it through the next day.
15) Because being a lobster is not cute. 18) A beach city, home to NASCAR. 19) Flying above a boat, basically. Down 1) Translated means “nest of snakes or pot.” 2) A practical souvenir. 3) An efficient way to drink a beer. 5) You will make a lot of these. 7) Capital of the Bahamas 8) Beer jacket. 10) A drink, and a popular activity. 11) The best part about The Panhandle. 15) An easy outfit for girls. 16) If you can’t opt for a plane ticket. 17) The second part of Sin City.
th 7 1 H C R A M , Y A D N U S TCHERS &
PI BAR AND $5 GREEN 9am - 11am: FREE EGG MBS, $1 JELLO SHOTS BO R A C $5 , TS O SH $3 BREAKFAST S S AND BLOODY MARY SA O IM M $3 : pm 4 9am RAFTS, TCHERS, $2 GREEN D PI EN RE G $6 ! am 11 11am - CLOSE: DJ IN AT BS, $1 JELLO SHOTS M BO R A C H IS IR $5 KS, $3 SHAMROCK DRIN 158 E. MAIN ST. | NEWARK, DE | 302.737.6100 | KLONDIKEKATES.COM