Delaware - Issue 5 - 4/4/2013

The Black Sheep • a college newspaper that’s actually about college •

Volume 4, Issue 5 • 4/4/13 - 4/17/13

FR th EE. e p .. l eo ike pl th ey e ou cra me bs t o yo n ug UD o Ho t fr ok om Up s.

theblacksheeponline.com @theblacksheepUD

innovator sells ad space above her bed Shannon Poulsen wrote this Alli Jones began to sell ad space above her bed last Friday night in the world’s first-ever privately-owned dormitory advertisement deal. A source confirmed that while having sex with Alli on St. Patrick’s Day weekend, a few advertisements hung on her dorm walls.

Jones, a freshman marketing major, says the idea will pay for her books each semester. She sleeps with the coveted 1829 age range, one of the most sought-after demographics for advertising and therefore, one of the most profitable.

“Yeah, like, I bring guys home sometimes, OMG SHUT UP KELLI NOT THAT OFTEN, but I like saw it as an opportunity to sell some ad space. People do it for their cars that they drive, I can do it with my body in my dorm room,” said Jones.

Dunkin Donuts on Main Street, UD Dining, and Ali Baba’s Hookah Bar all secured deals with Jones prior to St. Patrick’s Day weekend, knowing that the traffic in Jones’ room would be worth the price.

“This is definitely a great opportunity to grow our business.

We just want to spread the word that UD Dining is inexpensive, we have many open hours, and post-sex with Alli, you’ll want some leftover French toast to tide over the STD you just received,” said UD Dining representative Mark Lone.

With the advertising deals comes a quota for Jones to meet each month in order to keep profiting from the ads. Between 5-15 men must enter Jones’ room (and vagina) each month to keep the deal together.

“Oh that’s no problem. That’s like going to one party and getting them all at once. OMG ONE FELL SWOOP, that’s like literature. I could have used that on the English major I slept with yesterday,” said Jones.

The idea stems from visiting one of her professors during office hours, where the conversation stemmed towards modern creativity and opportunity in the current age. Professor Tucker denies any involvement with Jones’ idea.

“No, no way, no how, do not quote me; I had nothing to do with this. Yes, be creative in marketing, but just, just NOT in this way,” said Tucker as he hurried to his car.

The Black Sheep went to Jones’ room to interview some exiting men.

“I never thought that the Dunkin' on Main Street needed to advertise, but lo and behold, while I was holding Alli by the ass cheeks, I saw a cup of their coffee and had a craving immediately,” said junior Ted Ronson.

“The ads weren’t too noticeable. There was one point when we were doing missionary and she said ‘let’s switch to girl on top.’ We did, and I guess I realize now it’s because she wanted me to see the giant hookah advertisement on her ceiling.

Come to think of it, she did mark a tally on a notebook next to her bed,” said senior Bill Hadley.

New Freshmen Housing is Counterproductive

Get your pinkies ready, class of 2019. Shit is about to get fancy.

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Jones’ biggest supporter is her roommate, Kelli Thomas, who wishes nothing but the best for her. While The Black Sheep could not reach Thomas for a quote, due to the fact her phone is currently locked in her room while Jones is having sex for the second time this evening, it can be assumed that she too is benefitting from this endeavor.

A close second in support is Jones’ father, Tyler Jones, a mechanical engineer.

“We all understand in the family that some of us can’t be mechanical engineers. Sure, Alli’s brother is at MIT. Sure, I have another daughter in high school that looks up to Alli.

SURE I have a wife who’s fainted at the idea of profiting from her sexcapades, but I also have an intelligent, loving daughter who put herself out there for advertisers and is now making money. Alli is strong, innovative, and sets a great example for future skanks out there. You can make money, you can do it.

what'’s inside

Just believe.” said Tyler Jones, following up with “And no, I don’t think she’s selling her body for money, that would be wrong. She’s merely selling the space around her body, and a certain demographic is drawn to that area. I think it’s no different than beer posters at a football game. No different. She’s not a whore.”

Alli says that she only wishes to further capitalize on sleeping with men, sharing that perhaps threesomes can increase the flow in her room.

“All I want is to be an innovator. How great will this look on a résumé? I created an entirely new form of advertising that no one will turn away from. I do have to go though, it’s time for the next round,” said Jones. “I’m looking into different ethnicities for a new demographic this weekend. That’ll definitely pull in more companies.”

Alcohol Review: Kirkland brand signature tequila

UD Hook-Ups

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Because it’s really hard to meet people in a University with only 20,000 students.

! page two k e e W e h t f o Pic word of the week Illuminaughty: A secret society that exists on hundreds of college campuses, they aim to prevent loser freshmen from ever getting laid. “‘If it wasn’t for the Illuminaughty I totally would have slept with a bunch of skanks by now,’ the delusional freshman muttered in disgust.”

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

Canada's Unsuccessful Attempts to Start a War Dillon McLaughlin wrote this As of March 21st, 2013, Canadian military strength was estimated to be nearly a million men and women spread across four branches. The training of Canadian military forces has transitioned from a heavy focus on defense to a far more aggressive, offensive approach. At any given time, the Canadians have a strike force of 30,000 highly trained paratroopers, 235 naval warships, and 250,000 mobilized infantry units ready to invade any country in Europe or Africa. For anticipated conflict in Asiatic Russia, China, and Japan, Canadians have a special task force designated “Strike Force: Vague Racism.”

For several weeks now, the Canadian Armed Forces have been attempting to use this considerable strength to start a war.

“It's been awhile and we're feeling a bit rusty,” said Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada. “We took a nationwide vote and it's unanimous. It's about time we got back into the war fighting scene.”

When asked about potential targets, the Canadians had assembled a list of viable candidates for invasion.

“We were thinking Norway,” said Canadian Minister of Defense Peter MacKay. “It's not too far, the climate's very similar, and we've had a bit of a grudge against them since they beat us in curling a few years ago at the Winter Olympics.”

Other targets being considered include Japan, Kazakhstan, Venezuela, and the United States, the last being “for convenience.”

“The United States is low on the list, but definitely a possibility,” said MacKay. “We know they're powerful and have plenty of experience, but, if we could borrow one of their references, we feel a lot like Rocky Balboa. We've been training hard, a bit of an underdog, but we know we stand a chance against the best.” There's no word on whether or not the Canadian government knows how Rocky ends.

Canada has found some difficulty in exercising power. Early Canadian aggressions were met with an inability of any invaded country to take them seriously. “We weren't particularly worried about a Canadian invasion,” said Croatian President Ivo Josipovi. “When they attacked, it was more of a training exercise for us Croatians. Their soldiers were exceedingly polite and everyone had a great time. They made us pancakes.”

The Croatian Government reported exactly zero pillagings or war crimes, with the only civilian casualty being the clerk of a Konzum, from when a small time Croatian criminal's handgun accidentally discharged during an attempted robbery.

Prior to invasions, the Canadian Air Force has been dropping leaflets to demoralize their supposed enemies. The leaflets read: "Sorry guys, nothing personal, but our military is an hour off your shore and the naval bombardment starts in thirty minutes. It's not you, it's us.

We're just trying to ease back into the scene and we thought we'd start here. We'll try to keep casualties light on your end, but please, make sure your resistance puts us through our paces. Don't go easy on us, we'll learn as we go. You'll find a small flask of maple syrup attached to this leaflet as an apology for the inconvenience."

For some, the simple drive to spread Canadian culture is enough to justify war.

“Did you know that hockey is nearly non-existent outside of North America?,” said Canadian citizen Daniel LeDaniels. “Hockey is 95% of our culture and we're tired of having to explain what makes it so appealing. A ground war is the surest way to show how great our national sport is.”

LeDaniels and other Canadians have experienced a surge in nationalism, and maple syrup sales have increased nearly 400 percent. “I've been

indiscriminately pouring it on my breakfast, in my coffee, on my kids,” said LeDaniels. “Stan, my neighbor, modified his power washer so that the thing sprays syrup. I'll be damned if that doesn't leave a streak – free shine every time.”

As of press time, the Canadian government had yet to release information concerning its covert operations units, though the newly installed Syrian president says “eh” a lot and knows a little too much French.

New Freshmen Housing is Counterproductive Kim Hogan wrote this “We want to ensure that we create an environment where students can adjust to their new lives as college students, find the resources they need to be successful and forge lifelong bonds with their peers and professors.”

This quote comes directly from UD’s own website and is in reference to the new student housing that’s currently being constructed on East Campus. The university plans to have this latest project completed by summer 2015, giving the construction workers ample time to construct potholes for unsuspecting skateboarders and catcall even less-suspecting sorostitute passerbys. Luckily, it is also just in time for a fresh group of unsure, incoming freshmen to step nervously into their new home for the first time and be greeted with… a refurbished Perkins Student Center, personal lounges on every floor, and a shiny new, gourmet dining facility.

Now this may sound like an upgrade to all the unsuspecting parents whose kids will be assigned to the dorm formerly known as Gilbert. But don’t be fooled; no freshman dorm will truly benefit from having “RA’s with a diverse set of skills,” unless those skills include owning a diverse collection of beer bongs and the keen ability to turn a blind eye.

Back in my day, freshman dorms had character, absolutely nothing was new or refurbished. In fact, most of it was never “furbished” in the first place. Take, for instance, the glorious building where I spent my freshman year and a true symbol of all that is college: Dickinson A. It wasn’t pretty, it wasn’t air-conditioned and it wasn’t up to the safety code. But let me tell you, nothing brings a group of scared and nervous 18-year-olds together like trying to shuffle fans around during a heat wave featuring 100-degree weather on move-in day, followed by numerous attempts to fall asleep to the soothing tones of a train that sounds as though it’s barreling through your room.

Having a personal concierge bring you margaritas while the pool boy in the banana hammock fans you off is not going to help you make friends or forge bonds with your new peers. Back in Dicky A, we made friends with one another because we had to. If your neighbor had an extra high-powered fan and you didn’t, you might want to befriend her. If your other neighbor had a purple gravity bong named Pocahontas, then you might want to befriend him too. Or if the skinniest girl on the floor never used her food credits, well, not a bad idea to befriend her as well.

All of these attempts at sprucing up and constructing new buildings are going to give the new freshmen a much less valuable experience than we had in our good, old shithole. Relationships are forged through hardship, and memories are made out of stories -- like the time we had that ladybug infestation and Maria tried to vacuum them all up. Or the time the power went out for two days during spring semester finals and we had to study by candlelight. Or even the time when mono spread like wildfire through our dorm-cestuous hookah-sharing fourth floor family.

We would never have traded our freshmen experience for anything, and we feel bad for the class of 2019 who will have to make memories from experiences like the day when the brand new dining hall ran out of organic papaya, or the morning when the dorm chauffeur ran late and the limo dropped them off just in time for the Group A requirement for their social sciences trust fund major, like pottery or leadership.

The construction of the new freshman housing on East Campus represents yet another opportunity for character building that will go completely unnoticed. And as always, we will foster a new generation of spoiled ingrates who will never know what it feels like to appreciate a cold shower, or to hear their neighbor having sex through tissue paper-thin walls. For that is the true college experience.

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The

Top 10

theblacksheeponline.com

Candidates for the Next Pope After the New one Quits

Pope Francis was just elected as the new Pope of the Catholic Church. If Pope Francis follows in the footsteps of his predecessors, we’re expecting him to either quit or die in the next two years. The Black Sheep is prepared for such an event, and we have compiled a list of our favorite candidates for the next Pope.

Alcohol Review: Kirkland Brand Signature Tequila chris gray wrote this Presentation: As you would expect, Kirkland Signature brand Tequila comes in a monolithic glass structure. When full, it weighs roughly fifteen pounds. The glass is incredibly thick, which results in some wonky weight distribution. This makes pouring out of the needlessly massive spout difficult, especially if you like to drink out of normal-sized things. The decal on the bottle is what we can only assume to be an agave plant, but looks more like an upside-down octopus. The best part is that the bottom of the bottle is made of clear blue glass, so if you shine a light underneath it, the bottle turns a deep blue color. It’s awesome.

Price: $18.95 for 1.75 liters History: In 2006, the body of an escaped convict was found floating in the runoff pool behind Kirkland factory located forty miles south of the Mexican-American border. Once the decomposing corpse was fished from the clear liquid, a supervisor demanded the pool’s chemical makeup be determined.

“It’s tequila. My god, it’s tequila,” he muttered under his breath a week later, holding the lab report in his hand. “Someone get me Corporate.”

The factory runoff was then siphoned into the remains of Kirkland’s ill-fated attempt to market glass coffins for babies, and sold at Costco locations worldwide.

Taste Breakdown: Aroma: Salty dirt.

Initial Taste: Dirty salt.

Body: Thick, hearty, and warm. Like a Jersey Shore tide-pool.

Finish: Feels like gasoline but tastes like salty dirt.

When you throw it up, it tastes like stomach acid.

Compare With: Any other cheap tequila.

Effects: Similar drunk to that of a high-gravity forty. Users are likely to be ejected from a bar for punching out a bathroom mirror. The hangover is an intense headache with lasting nausea and

heart palpitations. Remember to drink plenty of water—the tequila appears to be primarily made out of snow salt interstate runoff, so it is very dehydrating.

Who Should Buy It? - People that only shop at Costco.

- People who like to collect dumb bottles.

- People who like to buy things that are ridiculous.

- Nobody.

Testimonials: “It isn’t really that bad” – Adam, Banker “After a long day at the factory, I like to unwind with a nice cool glass of Kirkland Signature Tequila. Then I punch my kids.” – John, Factory Worker “A year ago I was at Costco and thought I’d try their Kirkland brand tequila. When I got home, the bottle accidentally slipped out of my hand and landed on the dog. It snapped her back like a twig. My four-year-old daughter was watching.” Erin, TV Personality “If it’s cheap, I’ll drink it. I’m not a pussy.” – Bill, student.

Goes Great With: Kirkland brand chocolate chip cookies, Kirkland brand ice cream sandwiches, Kirkland brand signature vodka, Kirkland brand Pizza, Kirkland brand salt. Literally anything Kirkland makes, which is everything.

Doesn’t Go Great With: Tomato soup, laundry detergent, the movie Antz.

Conclusion: As someone who knows nothing about tequila or alcohol in general, we feel qualified to say Kirkland brand Tequila is any Cinco de Mayo party’s worst nightmare. Unless one of the party activities involves the guests bludgeoning each other to death with indestructible weapons made of glass and cork. In that case, it is a Cinco de Mayo must-buy.

Grade: F+ (the bottle's pretty cool.)

10.) Khloe Kardashian: Rumors are circulating that Khloe’s contract with X Factor will not be renewed after this season. If this is the case, Khloe needs to be doing something other than shopping and lying out on the beach. We all know that Khloe has a strong work ethic, considering most of her fame and power come from her father’s job as a lawyer and her sister’s sex tape, so she should do a great job at sitting around in huge hats and judging other, lesser people.

9.) Paula Abdul: But really, what is Paula doing these days? She might have stepped out of the limelight, but we firmly believe Paula can do anything if you give her some attention and a bottle of vodka.

8.) Leonardo DiCaprio: Leo has been swooning the public for years now with his beautiful acting and his charming looks. Yet somehow Leo STILL doesn’t have an Oscar. Basically, we feel bad for Leo. And we want an excuse to look at him. So, pope it is!

7.) Oprah: Of course Oprah would be a great candidate. She’s retired from her show, she’s getting older, and she has authority over moms across the world. Making her Poprah would really spice things up, moving us away from the standard eighty-year-old white man.

6.) Miss Teen Delaware USA: Ever since Kim Kardashian, porn has been a useful tool for attention-seeking women to find their way into the limelight. Our very own Miss Teen Delaware USA is a prime candidate for pope. If she becomes pope, the state of Delaware could finally be redeemed! She would also receive an overwhelming amount of support from middle school boys, engineering majors, and middle-aged men.

5.) Mitt Romney: Mitt Romney is definitely the most obvious choice for our next Pope. He’s an old, white male. He doesn’t drink, he’s against gay-marriage, and he has five creepy sons that all look to be the same age. Since Romney couldn’t shake the presidential election, we might as well give him some authority over the people.

4.) Techno Bus Driver: If you’re a real UD student, you have been drunk on the techno bus.

The Techno Bus Driver exhibits one of the best qualities for a potential pope: he just doesn’t give a fuck. We all love and respect the TBD. Riding the techno bus drunk at 1 am is one thing, but taking the techno bus sober at 1 pm is just a treat. If the TBD were pope, church would actually be fun. Instead of singing hymns, the congregation would simply rage in honor of Jesus. We think the TBD has the ability to fix church and make it awesome.

3.) Amanda Bynes: The month of March really has done wonders for Bynes’ career. Bynes flooded Twitter earlier in the month with her bizarre selfies and a tweet that will go down in history: “I want Drake to murder my vagina.” We admire Bynes’ ambition. She publicly announced something most white girls think, but are afraid to say out loud. Bynes has exhibited determination and a strong work ethic; if she wants Drake to murder her vagina, it can happen.

If she wants to lead the nations to spiritual wholeness, she can do it.

2.) MySpace Tom: This is the man who started it all: the duck face, mirror selfies, and countless hours on social media. Of course, nobody has logged on to MySpace in at least four years, so Tom must be bored and ready for a change. This is the man that shaped our generation, changing us from awkward, pubescent preteens to confident, selfie-obsessed adults. We owe him.

1.) Beyoncé: There was no controversy in our decision of the number one pope candidate.

Beyonce is the queen of our time. With rocking legs, an amazing voice, and untouchable class, this woman is the most qualified candidate we have considered. Beyonce can teach us all a few things about being classy, sexy, and confident. Don’t lie to yourselves; you know you want to hit that.

Brian McManus wrote this

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the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

university of delaware hook-ups Jackie Heinz wrote this Are you tired of serious relationships and just want to hook up? Usual pick-up lines not working? You’ve even failed Tinder? Looks like there’s one more place for you to go to get your one-night-stand: UD Hook Ups. UD Hook Ups is a Facebook page dedicated to “making your tuition worthwhile.” You can anonymously post to the site with the type of person you are looking to hook up with, along with a really specific physical description of yourself and what dorm you live in. Then creepy guys can comment on your post and you can connect through Facebook messages and picture stalking.

Take, for example, post #88, who describes himself as a, “5’10” lean, athletic guy with brown hair and brown eyes.” Wait, do you go to UD? You don’t sound like anyone that goes here at all. He’s looking for a “drunk hook up/fuck buddy” with “no commitments at all.” But ladies, don’t run away just yet, he is quite the gentleman. He goes on to say that he feels “sketchy getting with a bunch of random girls, just looking for one.” Looks like you’ve come to the right place to find the one, #88.

All you have to do to get laid on the site is to post something like #164, who boasts “Truthfully, I’m cool.” Or like #45, “I am funny.” Those are the best ways to attract the opposite sex.

Don’t be fooled by UD Hook Ups' provocative name though; it is much more than just a way to find random people to have sex with without ever actually having a conversation in person. Over 100 people that have posted on the site are in serious, meaningful relationships.

“I met my boyfriend on UD Hook Ups and we have sex like, every Thursday, Friday and Saturday.

Sometimes we text during the week,” said Carly Smith, a freshman leadership major.

Smith says it’s the best relationships she’s ever been in.

Many of the users say that UD Hook Ups is by far the best way to connect on campus.

“When I’m drunk and sweaty at Kate’s, sometimes it’s hard to find a girl that has had enough vodka

sodas to go home with me. Usually, there’s only like 100 willing girls, so there’s not much to choose from. That’s why I use UD Hook Ups,” said senior Tom Johnson. He continued to say that he’s “totally swoll” from the gym today and posted on UD Hook Ups to get laid this weekend.

Johnson and his friends use UD Hook Ups because they say it’s difficult to meet people on a college campus where there are only 16,000 students. With such a small campus, meeting someone to hook up with just isn’t that easy. This is especially true for all the freshmen who post on this site. They claim that with a floor full of horny freshmen and nightstands overflowing with unused condoms, hooking up with someone is downright impossible. “We order food from our phones while having a cafeteria right downstairs, what’s so different about doing the same with sex?” they wondered.

So does UD Hook Ups really make the $30,000 tuition worthwhile? Will you walk away from UD saying “Well I have a degree, but that one time I totally hooked up with the girl I posted about on Facebook makes it all worth it.”? And make sure you send them a thank you message when you run to Happy Harry’s for Plan B in the morning.

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page 8

theblacksheeponline.com

bartender of the week vanessa grotto Sign: Taurus Craziest moment witnessed on a St. Patrick's Day: I saw two guys laying on the ground fighting. They had green teeth, which was embarrassing for them.

Why is the Coors light still green at Grotto: We have, like, eight or nine kegs left, but they will be gone in less than a week. People don't seem to mind it.

Do you think Grotto is the best place to get pizza: I have worked here forever and I really like the pizza. Margherita's is alright also.

What is one thing that you change about Newark: I wish they had little bridges for pedestrians, because it makes Main Street a bitch to drive down because of traffic.

What was the earliest time you ever had a drink: Eight a.m., but that was when I was a still a student at UD. Do you get better tips as a woman bartender: No, the only time I get better tips is from older UD alum guys.

the drinking game: go drunken fish

recipe for disaster:

Homemade Wasted Pizza

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While some people love drinking games, others would rather get trashed without having to play by the rules for twenty minutes. Instead of painfully re-explaining the rules for Irish Poker or Circle of Death to all your drunk and dumb partygoers, stick with a game so simple even the most intoxicated drinker can understand.

What You’ll Need: A deck of cards and some obnoxiously fruity vodka.

Number of Players: Four to six players.

Level of Intoxication: When done right, by the end you will have forgotten how to play.

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With Moms Weekend right around the corner, you need to start planning how you’re going to treat her to a weekend she’ll never forget. Because let’s face it: You have no fucking clue how to really cook. Your mother has made you countless homemade meals over the years. Make it up to her and put together something for her to snack on after the bars. You can’t go wrong with a big-ass pizza.

What You’ll Need: Two packs of crescent roll dough, a jar of tomato sauce, a massive amount of different types of cheeses, and any pizza toppings you desire (sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms, pineapples, garlic, etc.)

Cook Time: About 30 minutes.

Fatty Factor: Pizza is a vegetable now, so you’re fine.

Let’s Get Baked: - Press the crescent roll dough on the bottom of a pizza pan, stretching out as far as it’ll go.

- Bake the dough for about eight minutes on recommended baking heat (probably 400 degrees).

- Take the pan out of oven and lower the oven temperature to 200 degrees.

- Spread the tomato sauce over the dough.

- Load on that cheese until you think you have more than enough. Then add more.

- Add your momma’s favorite toppings to the pie and throw it in the oven again until the cheese melts.

- Serve your mother the homemade pizza with a smile and a kiss.

! d e r e v li e d u iz M t e g Eat in, take out, or

How to Play - Give each player a shot glass and keep the bottle of vodka in the middle of the table.

- Take one shot before the game begins.

- Pass out five cards to each player and place the remaining cards in the middle, face down.

- The point of the game is to get as many matches as possible, just like regular Go Fish. After each player looks at their cards and sets aside their matches, the game begins!

- If a player is only left with one card after pairing up their matches they may take two more cards from the middle.

- The dealer starts the game by asking another player for a card (“Mary, do you have a 5?”) The player must surrender the card the dealer asks for and take half a shot.

- If the player does not have the card they must shout, “Fuck you, fish!” The dealer must take a half shot and a card from the middle.

- The process is repeated for every player until everyone uses up his or her cards.

132 E. MAIN STREET | 302.731.3104 | MIZUSUSHIBAR.COM You will be your mother’s favorite child for the rest of the

The Game Ends When: All the cards used up. Count up your matches to see who has the most.

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weekend… that is, until the hangover hits her.

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