The Black Sheep
F el REE se ... th lik at e a co bs me ol s w ute ith ly gr not ad hin ua g tin g.
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 7 • 5/2/13 - 5/15/13
theblacksheeponline.com @theblacksheepUD
Leaked Graduation Program Features Carrot Top, Baja Men Chris Gray wrote this The Black Sheep recently received an email from an unidentified source inside the University of Delaware administration containing a revised program for the 2013 commencement ceremony. The program was to be kept under wraps until the ceremony on the 25th because it hopes to inject new life into Delaware’s graduations, which are normally characterized as "absurdly hot" and "really boring." Contrary to a previous press release, which announced the commencement speaker for the 2013 graduation to be Dr. Paul Farmer, a physician and anthropologist, the leaked program billed Carrot Top, a comedian and performer, as the speaker. Carrot Top is to be accompanied by a live musical act, The Baja Men, as well as a brief appearance by President Harker, who apparently will be performing a magic trick. University correspondent Justin Heanue sat down with Adam Carey, a planner for the 2013 graduation to discuss the changes. “We were just so tired of Delaware graduations being so scholarly and lame. I mean, yuck! So we decided to spice things up and really bring Delaware’s 2013 graduation into the twenty-first century with the latest celebrities and entertainment. We tried to get Jeff Dunham as the keynote but Yale already booked him.” In response to a question about the previously billed speaker, Adam told us: “Well we booked that first guy and then were like, ‘Laaaaaame! Who wants to hear about anthropology and stuff?’ So we told him to fuck off and called Jeff Dunham. Unfortunately Yale beat us to the punch, so we thought the logical next step was Carrot Top. The Baja Men are Delaware alums so they were happy to stop by. We figured they’d have a pretty appropriate message for all of you young kids out there trying to make it in the real world.” Carrot Top, of course, is an aging comedian known for his prop comedy and alleged steroid use. His face resembles a melted pepperoni pizza. Nobody knows who the Baja Men are, except they wrote a hit song in the nineties called “Who Let the Dogs Out?” This song has little topical relevance unless, of course, you consider that maybe the students are the dogs and they have been let out into the real world by graduating. The whole metaphor feels sort of forced. The news received mixed reviews from outgoing Delaware seniors. Class valedictorian Erin McCrosson said, “This is surely a travesty, graduation is a ceremony that celebrates the pursuit of excellence
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and the value of the learned mind. I am mortified that my parents will have to abide such a trite and tasteless display.” John from phys ed. class told us, “Yo, I think Carrot Top is hilarious.” Kat, an education major said, “I think it’s pretty cool President Harker is making an appearance. I have no idea who he is really.” The leaked program is as follows: 9:00 a.m.: Commencement commences. Graduating seniors ushered into the stadium to live performance of “Who Let the Dogs Out?” by special guest Baja Men. 9:15 a.m.: President Harker warms up the crowd with a magic trick. 9:30 a.m.: Introductory comments include an “open mic” in which deans from each college exhibit their various talents. 10:00 a.m.: Special guest Baja Men wakes up the audience with a
what'’s inside
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performance of “Who Let the Dogs Out?” 10:15 a.m.: President Harker performs a card trick. 10:30 a.m.: Commencement address by performer and celebrity “Carrot Top.” Acts may include “Oops I spilled water on my diploma,” “Look at this silly hat,” and “Look at how many pushups I can do.” 11:30 a.m.: End commencement address. Air YoUDee roams the crowd in search of a mate as retiring professors are given the opportunity to talk about their favorite things. 11:45 a.m.: President Harker performs hypnosis on under-performing graduates. 12:15 p.m.: Farewell address by the Tupac Hologram. 12:30 p.m.: Procession to the tune of “Who Let the Dogs Out?” by Baja Men. Actual stray dogs from local shelters are released into the crowd. Graduating seniors begin the rest of their adult lives.
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read on if you don’t want to share an apartment with a bunch of messy, cheap, sexaholics.
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