Delaware fall issue 7 - 11/29/12

The Black Sheep Presents the fun AND games fInals issue Volume 3, Issue 7 11/29/12 - 12/7/12

theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheepUD

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page two

! k e e W e h t f o c i P

word of the week quipster: A person who uses outdated

phrases in an attempt to be amusingly ironic.

“What do you mean you think I sound like an idiot? Well how ‘bout you just go talk to the hand, ‘cuz this face don’t wanna hear it?”

Meet The Staff

campus manager Kim Hogan

photographers Hannah Linde

Founders Kim Hogan, Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers

Editorial manager Kim Hogan

distribution manager Kim Hogan

Advertising Managers Nicholas Brown

Social media manager You?

Writers Jason Hewett, Nikita Mutter Dillon McLaughlin, Kelia Scott, Kathryn Locke Brittany Choplin, Erin Eller, Daniel McInerney, Chris Gray Shannon Poulsen, Joshua Barton, Brad Michalakis.

Marketing manager Jaclyn Weisberg

ads@theblacksheeponline.com

campus director Brendan Bonham

lame@theblacksheeponline.com

Questions? info@theblacksheeponline.com

Advertising?

Hate Us?

owner Atish Doshi

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page 3

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

are you smarter than?

Pauline, a Native French TA 1) United States History Lee Harvey Oswald assassinated President John F. Kennedy from this Dallas location in 1963.

Answer: “We are not sure this guy killed Kennedy!”

2) Food The Trinidad Moruga Scorpion is currently the world's hottest chili. Chili heat is measured in these units.

Answer: “Peppers” 3) Geography These plates' edges are found at fault lines around the world. What huge pieces or rock make up the Earth's crust?

Answer: “I didn’t take geography.”

4) Math Describe the radius, diameter and circumference of a circle.

Answer: “Diameter is passing by the center of the cycle.

Circumference is just the whole outline.”

5) Technology The daguerreotype was the first commercially successful method of this.

Answer: “World of Warcraft?”

6) Entertainment Kurt Russell and Nick Nolte - among others - failed to land a role as this iconic science fiction character.

Answer: “Kurt Russell reminds me of someone but…no.”

7) Literature This author of the acclaimed novel Infinite Jest is beloved by hipsters and academics alike.

Answer: “(wide eyes) We have the the expression to give your tongue to the cat but that doesn’t work in English.”

8) World Religion Medina is the second holiest city in the Islam faith.

Which city is considered the holiest?

Answer: “La Mecque” 9) Biology What is Ribonucleic Acid more commonly known as?

Answer: “Oh, I don’t know.”

correct answers 1) Texas School Book Depository 2) Scoville Units 3) Tectonic plates 4) Radius is from a point on the outside of a circle to it's center, diameter is the distance across a circle, and circumference is the distance around a circle.

5) Photography 6) Han Solo 7) David Foster Wallace 8) Mecca 9) RNA 10) General David Petraeus

10) Current Events Name the former Director of the CIA that was forced to resign in light of an extramarital affair.

Answer: “Dave something.”

Dear Morris....

ud staff wrote this

I know we’ve been spending a lot of time together recently, and I don’t want you to get the wrong idea or anything - - really, I want you to understand that our time spent together means the world to me. But finals week is your big week, and I really want you to knock it out of the park this year. You’re just so incredibly busy; I’d just be a distraction.

Don’t get me wrong—we’ve had some amazing times. Remember when the ID scanner for the printers in the basement broke and I printed the entire Fifty Shades of Grey series of Ebooks for free? Or the time the video desk forgot that I had their copy of House of Wax and I got to keep it? (Shh! Don’t tell!) What about the time we planted books in people's bags so they would set the alarm off as they left (one kid even got shot for stealing a book! Whoops!)? I smile just thinking about those memories. Besides, who could forget that Tuesday night in the basement?

But during finals week I always leave feeling dry and unsatisfied. Of course it’s not your fault— not at all. It’s those giggling frat idiots laughing at each other’s farts in the reference section.

It’s the nerd playing Star Wars or whatever it’s called on his laptop with the sound on high. It’s the girl wearing a dress and makeup for some god-forsaken reason, trying to make me feel like a grandma for wearing my crocs and my homemade “I heart Daniel Radcliffe” sweatshirt to study. Who does she think she is? It’s the thick body heat and stench of un-showered engineering majors that drives me away. If only you were more selective! But I know that’s just who you are.

Because that’s the thing, I know you - really know you. There’s no use pretending like we

pauline's score: 3/10 correct didn’t have something real, something out of a fairytale. But you’re not the same person I fell in love with. The Morris that I know? Well, he isn’t gallivanting around with sorority girls and their Tiesto-inspired study playlist. He isn’t “crushing Addies and Red Bulls” over a nice relaxing chai tea. Look, I get that people change, and trust me when I say I’m trying to be supportive of your new image. Just because everyone inside you is listening to dubstep doesn’t make you a “Club.” You know that. I know that. Everyone knows that. It’s embarrassing.

There’s no easy way to say this, really there isn’t. It’s just that, well, I’ve started studying somewhere else. I want you to know it’s nothing that you’ve done; we’re just at very different points in our lives. At the end of the day, I just don’t want to hold you back from someone who is constantly refreshing Facebook. You deserve better than that, Mo. I’ve just been so busy, and with finals coming up - - I just didn’t want you to get the wrong idea. I’m too busy to commit to something so serious and I don’t want to lead you on anymore.

Don’t sit there like you don’t know what I’m talking about. I’ve seen you with other people, it’s not like you even tried hiding it from me.

I really hope we can still be friends. I’m sure I’ll see you around, maybe in the printing section?

That’s something that I’ve come to rely on you for, as friends though. And hey, there are plenty of other hens on campus.

Best, The Black Sheep P. S. We’ll always have Sundays.

The Top 10

page 4

theblacksheeponline.com

Things That Happened This Year on Campus 10.) President Harker streaked the Green: Wait you guys missed that? Too bad you went home for the hurricane; he was all over the place in his birthday suit. He ran a lap around The Green and took an impromptu bubble bath in the fountain. We remember our first hurricane party too; take it easy next time, Pat. 9.) A Giraffe got stuck under the Smith Overpass: Thanks to the nearby Plunkton Park Zoo, some poor tall giraffe got himself stuck between Smith and Gore Halls when he escaped his pen. He was just trying to get some extra neck room and ended up in an extra-embarrassing situation. It took 3 fire trucks, extensive baby talk from the zoo keepers, and massive amounts of leaves to get him to come out.

8.) The Stairs in Gore Hall Moved: One chilly October day, The Black Sheep heard reports from several students who were walking to class in Gore when suddenly the stairs decided to shift. Junior English Major Harold Potsdam said, “It was so bizarre! All Hogwarts style and everything!” The pictures in Gore could not be reached for comment.

The Black Sheep Christmas Wishlist Dillon McLaughlin wrote this

For the next month greed takes hold and we demand that our loved ones supply us with material possessions. We call this “holiday cheer.” Since we're human (mostly) on The Black Sheep staff, we too are susceptible to holiday cheer. Which means that you, dear reader, are going to have to pick up the slack on what our parents and grandparents can't provide. It's a short list, so don't worry, you shouldn't be any more in debt than, say, the feds.

1.) The iPhone 5: We're busy, like all the time. So when we need to get some emailing done, ain't nothing better than an iPhone. The big screens really help with procrastination, like when our deadlines are coming at us like a freight train and we decide to download Angry Birds: Star Wars instead.

2.) Chocolate: Preferably Cadbury. Most of our meetings focus on analyzing the consistency of a bar of chocolate. What a lot of people don't know is that density and melting point vary from bar to bar. The only reason that the melting point is listed as 98.6°F is because that's the average temperature. In reality, the melting point can range from 96° to 99°. We have literally dozens of spreadsheets from this semester alone. As it happens, our stockpiles are quickly running out and we're getting desperate. Two hundred pounds should do the trick.

3) Cash: We're broke here. This isn't exactly a paying gig, and, while we're having a good time doing it, it's not sustainable. We've had quite the memorable run-in with financial misunderstandings. So your donation could

go a long way to preserving the life of a The Black Sheep writer. For only $20 a day, our lifestyles of whoring, drinking, gambling, and occasional writing can go uninterrupted. For $25 a day, you'll cover our rent. We've fallen on hard times, so every little bit counts.

4.) All expenses paid trip to London: Across the pond is where satire really took off and we'd love to get back to our roots.

You've probably heard of guys like Chaucer, Shakespeare, and Rochester, and we're big fans of theirs. Problem is, we haven't got the cash (see number 3) to fund the trip we want. But here at The Black Sheep, we're big believers in the generosity of man, so we're sure you can pick up the tab on this one. It's not that much. We've got a staff of roughly fifteen and if you figure it'd cost about three grand for each one, that's only about $45,000. If each reader throws in maybe $250, we'd be leavin' on a jet plane and not sure when we'd be back again.

5.) Shopping spree at Sports Authority: All our writers love exercise. Or, more specifically, being really into it for three weeks before abruptly stopping and playing video games for hours at a time. If there's one thing we're really good at here at The Black Sheep, it's making resolutions. A shopping spree at Sports Authority would do wonders for us.

We'd never run out of impulsively-bought exercise equipment to ignore.

Hopefully you can find it in your heart to not be a selfish bastard this holiday season. So come on, fork it over, we have to go exploit grandma in an hour.

7.) There Was a Joe Biden Bar Crawl: On November 6, the newly re-elected Vice President celebrated in style with a Main Street Bar Crawl. First, Joey B. ripped a few Fireball shots at Deer Park before making his way to Grotto to autograph a baby. He sang karaoke to “We Are the Champions” at Kildare’s and then drunk dialed the Romney campaign to gloat. Biden finished off the night at Kate’s where he was spotted dancing to “Gangnam Style” with the Techno Bus Driver.

6.) UD had 7 home Football games: Oh you didn’t make it to those? We didn’t either… whoops. To be honest we were only there for the tailgates, nobody even told us there were actual football games afterwards. Attendance probably would have just interfered with our mid-day naps anyway so we aren’t too worried about missing them.

5.) Everyone Received Excessive UD Alerts: We know a few people whose cell phones actually exploded from the amount of texts they got regarding Hurricane Sandy. It was that awkward moment when you feel cool because someone’s calling you, only to hear everyone else’s phone go off at the exact same time. Thanks UD Alert, we couldn’t tell it was already raining outside. You really saved the day.

4.) President Harker Sent a Post-Hurricane Email: As if he needed another reason to pat himself on the back, the 12th highest paid university president took this opportunity to remind the student body of just how good of a job he thinks he is doing. He finished up the message by saying “Stellar job all around.” Translation: “I sent that Hurricane to NJ instead. You’re welcome.”

3.) Kirkbride Jesus Sang Instead of Preaching: He must have been trying to impress someone at American Idol because he took some time off from ranting and raving to turn his usual sermon into a performance of an entirely different kind. He bellowed classics from Les Miserables, Rent, and of course, Jesus Christ Superstar. His dance moves could use some work, but he has the voice of an angel.

2.) YoUDee got arrested: The fightin’ blue mascot had one AC Slater too many and ended up being cited for “public drunkenness,” while wandering around Main Street. Police had difficulty cuffing and finger-printing the bird so they released him into the care of an apologetic Baby Blue. Retrospectively we probably shouldn’t have let him go to the bars after playing two rounds of Edward 40-Hands. Our bad.

1.) Mass Amnesia Occurred Across the Entire Student Body: On October 20 (which coincided with Homecoming this year) over half the student body reported that they could not remember most of what happened during the day. This curious case of alleged “Mass Amnesia” still has university officials stumped. Most students stated that they woke up sometime in the late afternoon or evening with no recollection of the day’s events. “Honestly,” said Senior Gregory O’Doul “I think it was an alien abduction.”

Kelia Scott wrote this

ts sses

the madlib

The Last Day of the Semester at ud

Guess what ___1___? It’s the last day of the semester! Other than the fact that you’re probably never going to see that girl with huge ___2___ in your ___3___ class that you really want to ___4___ ever again, you couldn’t be more excited!

You ___5___ out of bed with your usual ___6___, and ___7___ your roommate, ___8___, awake. “It’s the last day,” you scream, very ___9___. He ___10___ out of bed, revealing the ___11___ ___12___ stain from the night before. You pretend you didn’t notice, stifling a “___13___” as it ___14___ from your ___15___, and you’re off to class!

Unfortunately, you have to say “___16___” to your favorite teacher, Mrs. ___17___-___18___. Just to kiss her ___19___ before the baby is due, you give her a ___20___ gift: Her favorite scent of ___21___. You go to visit the campus ___22___ store, where you are ___23___ in the ___24___ while trying to sell back your dignity. Typical. Just as you return to your ___25___, you realize that you completely forgot to hand in your paper to Mr. ___26___, the ___27___ professor.

The instant you turn on your ___28___, your roommate comes in with an entire case of ___29___ .

One thing leads to another, and the next thing you know, a picture of your ___30___ is circulating on ___31___. The rest of the night is a blur, but you’re pretty sure there was a ___32___ involved. What you are sure of is that you ___33___ the ___34___ with a ___35___. Not again! You didn’t hand in your paper, but it was worth it. As they say, “___36___”.

1. Term of endearment 2. Body part (plural) 3. Language 4. Verb 5. Verb 6. facial expression 7. Verb 8. name 9. Adverb ending in "ly" 10. Verb ending in "s" 11. color 12. Type of Liquid 13. Exclamation 14. Verb ending in "s" 15. Orifice 16. Sexual Position 17. German Dictator 18. Body Part 19. Body Part 20. Adjective

21. Favorite Sauce 22. Noun 23. Verb ending in "ed" 24. Same orifice as 15 25. Place 26. Same orifice as 15 27. useless skill 28. Electronic Device 29. Favorite drink 30. Same orifice as 15 31. Favorite Website 32. animal 33. Verb ending in "ed" 34. Noun 35. Long tubular object 36. ending phrase

By: Bradley Michalakis and Joshua Barton

m o c . e n i l n O p e e h S k c a l B GAMES G The IN K IN R |D R SPECIALS | BA ARTICLES

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page 7

the black sheep mobile | for iphone & android

Quiz: What Late-Night Food Option Are You? Main Street, 11:30p.m. Friday night. Hundreds of drunk, high, emotional, cognitively-inhibited students roam the sidewalks, and you’re there to witness it all -- hell, you’ve been witnessing this every Friday night since you’ve been erected. No, you’re not some creepy pervert hanging around staring at freshmen asses every weekend (hopefully). You’re one of the restaurants on campus, and you have an important job to do: sopping up all of the alcohol consumed by minors at parties in strange basements into the wee hours of the morning. But which one are you? Take this quiz to find out.

1) What’s your “crowd”? a) Me and my bros are the most brotastic bros on campus, bro. b) Um… I guess my books can be kind of crowded on my desk and stuff…. c) I float around among a lot of friends.

5) How empty is your refrigerator? a) There’s not much room for leftovers. b) Completely. I haven’t eaten at home for a few weeks…

I mean… days. c) There’s always a bit of space in there when I need it.

2) How do you feel about spicy food? a) They don’t call me fire-breather for nothing! b) I can take the heat. c) Ha, no thanks. I struggle to eat a bowl of mild chili.

6) What’s your catch phrase? a) “That be ten minute.” b) “Keep it simple, stupid.” c) “Spice up your life!”

3) It’s the last day of your life. How do you spend your last day? a) Skydiving b) Relaxing c) Wasted

7) Pick your favorite color. a) Red b) Orange c) Yellow

5. a=3, b=1, c=2 6. a=1, b=2, c=3

7. a=2, b=3, c=1 8. a=1, b=3, c=2

answer key

3. a=3, b=1, c=2 4. a=2, b=1, c=3

By: Erin Eller.

8) Your buddy calls and asks you to party tonight. What’s your response? a) “I would, but there’s a new SNL on tonight that I really want to see.” b) “I’ll do you one better: let’s hit Vegas.” c) “Chyah bro! Let’s get schwasty.”

Newest

1. a=3, b=1, c=2 2. a=3, b=2, c=1

4) What’s your taste in soda like? a) Classic Coke. Or Pepsi. What’s our school endorsing now, anyway? b) I’m not the biggest soda drinker. c) I love to experiment with a bunch of different flavors! I’m well known for my “everything” mixture from the soft drink dispensers.

8-13 points: New No. 1 Chinese Restaurant: Look, you really don’t seem like you page 11 like to go out much. You’re most comfortable having mass quantities of food delivered straight to your apartment, and who could blame you? Just sharpen up on those phone ordering skills, and don’t forget to tip!

14-18 points: D.P. Dough: You’re just like the average college student, and D.P. Dough is your standard choice for drunk food. Meat, cheese, and grease in a fried pocket of bread?

If this doesn’t soak up your hangover, nothing will.

19-24 points: California Tortilla You’re a little more daring than most, so make sure you try one of CalTor’s hot sauces on your burrito - they have an entire wall to choose from! Don’t write off the names of these. The more lethal it sounds, the more likely it is that you’ll be breathing smoke for the next few minutes.

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Crazy Uncle Jackson’s $20 Gift Basket Bonanza!!!

Hi there, it’s your favorite crazy uncle here, Andrew Jackson! When I’m not busy being the long-dead seventh President of the United States, I’m all about saving college students some money.

Why, in my day those crazy college kids, they where the best—they’d rub a piss-soaked sheepskin in a scotsman’s face and call it a Tuesday! Now, you’re getting ahead of yourself ole’ Andrew, you’re on the $20, and that’s ‘bout all kids got to spend on gifts this holidee season, so what can ya’ll kids get, and for whom?

For the Very Virginal

For the Super Study Buddy

For the Rowdy Roommate

Wallflower, shy guy, “Hey, isn’t that the guy who had his face mangled by a rabid squirrel?”, whatever he’s called, it’s all shorthand for, “This dude has certainly never felt the carnal pleasures of a woman.” He knows it, you know it, and he knows you know it. This holiday season give him some pep in his step by providing him a gift pack that screams, “Please stop making it difficult to discuss sex in front of you and just go get laid already.”

If she wouldn’t have lent you her notes for every exam, quiz, paper, recitation, essay, response, presentation, lab, practical and speech that evil teacher in your should-be-easy elective assigned, you’d be jerking off lion tamers in tht circus for spare coins right now. You may not like her, but you need her. How does one say, “Same time next semester?” without coming off like a selfish prick?

The first time Kevin punched a hole in the wall was funny.

The second time it was irritating. When he lit the carpet on fire and then peed it out, you finally lost it. Maybe you haven’t spoke to him since September, but a holiday gift basket would be the backhanded holiday season gesture to rekindle that fire. No, not the one on the carpet.

1 Pint of shitty vodka ($4) When he finally gets to pop that cherry, he’s not going to want to remember any of it.

1 Trojan Pleasures Extended 3-pack ($5) Even Old Faithful blushes when he erupts too early.

1 Pocket Kama Sutra ($6) Yes, page one has the missionary position on it.

14gb MircoSD Card ($4) He needs to learn from his mistakes, of which there will be many, so he needs something to store the play-by-play data.

For the Brokest of Bros He’d be the life of the party if he could ever afford to attend one. Instead, when he does scrape a few bucks together he nabs a handle of the cheapest vodka he can find and watches his one DVD, a stolen copy of Pocahontas, by himself. Hobos are giving this dude change.

1 Maruchan Top Ramen Chicken 6-pack ($1.50) He may say he’s so thin because it makes the ladies love him, but you see the way he eyes your nuggets like a feral dog.

Dude’s starving.

1 12oz bottle of Sriracha sauce ($3) Everything he eats may taste like shit, but there are ways to mask gross flavors, ask any sorostitute who’s used flavored condoms.

2 Months of NetFlix streaming ($9) The first month may be free, but the second month, in the lonely, cold dregs of February, will allow him to cozy up to the warmth of Ron Swanson’s fiery moustache.

1 Charmin Ultra Soft 4-pack ($6) Crap goes in, crap comes out, angrily. Might as well have the fluffiest bouncers imaginable guarding the exit, making sure everyone leaves in an orderly fashion.

1 Starbucks gift card ($5) She’ll need a latte to stay up late if she’s going to finish that chemistry lab write-up for you by morning.

1 Study Smart, Study Less: Earn Higher Grades and Better Test Scores ($8) If Rachel doesn’t study harder, how are you going to stay in school AND go out every Wednesday night?

1 Post-it tags ($4) She needs to bookmark the important pages, so you can know which pages are important.

1 Funky Star sticker roll ($3) Don’t give these to the study buddy all at once. Keep them, and use them as a motivational tool, putting one (with a clever message) on each pack of notes you return to her.

For the Mother Hen Sure, she’s only a sophomore, but before the girls head out she lines them up by height for a quick headcount, lest someone try to escape her Sauronesque glare later in the evening. If a girl talks to a guy for more than fifteen minutes she intervenes, letting him know that “his future rape victim” is taken. She thinks that if one gal deviates from the evening’s plans no one will have any fun, especially her.

1 Magnacraft 10x25 pair of binoculars ($10) With eagleeye vision, she’ll be able to protect other groups of girls from any college campus’ number one danger: Having fun.

1 Leash ($6) Like any bunch of bitches, these girls need to be kept close.

1 Whistle bracelet ($2) As the sex referee, she needs to decide if Trina needs to spend two minutes in the penalty box for letting Mark spend a few minutes in her love box.

1 Appointment book ($2) If Kathy isn’t outside of the club by 11:20 so we can hit the club next door by 11:30, she’s totally out of the group… which is exactly what Kathy wants.

1 Dap spackling kit, 1/2 pint ($6) Nothing quite says, “I love you, but I also secretly hate you, so you better fix this shit immediately” like spackle for the holidays.

1 Great Neck 1-inch putty knife ($6) The edges aren’t sharp, so he won’t be able to stab you, accidentally or not.

1 Woolite Pet Stain & Odor Remover 22oz bottle ($4) It uses the spray and cleans the carpet, or its remains end up in a tar pit.

1 Korky Plunger ($4) Finally, no excuse for him to say, “Dude, you’ll have to shit outside, sorry, I clogged the toilet yacking this morning.”

For the Hometown Homeboy Mary’s nice. She’s funny, she’s smart, she does well with men, hell, she even called you on your birthday-- an actual phone call! Still, she chose to live with her parents and attend community college, and you want to make sure he knows what you think of her poor life choices. Sadly, those pictures of a football player sucking on ya titties make you look fat, so something else will have to do.

1 Soda Can Stash ($8) No matter the vice, a parent will find it. Unless, of course, it’s hidden in a fake soda can.

4 Random shirts from the local Goodwill. When she’s forced to unironically sport a “Beaumont Football, 2A State Champions Class of 1989” t-shirt as her local sport high water mark, she’ll feel the pangs of sadness not rooting for big-conference sports brings.

1 Cigarette Hitter Rod ($5) When she takes a job on the third shift at the local taco shell plant she’ll need to mask her bad habit with another legal, deadlier one.

1 Community college bumper sticker ($3) When she realizes she’s too embarrassed to pop this on her Ford Focus, she’ll have to reevaluate her life decisions. Score, social strata superiority.

page 7

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The Best Ways to Get Arrested During Finals Week

Brittany Choplin wrote this

After the flirty tease that is Thanksgiving break, college students are at their wit’s end. Finals are fast approaching and it feels like the apocalypse is too (although this year it might be true). Some cope by studying and battling the multiple choice tests crafted by Satan… er… professors. Other students lose their minds and inhibitions, ripping a few shots after bombing an exam. Taking a bottle of Jack to a face and leaving your house looking like Ke$ha might be a little too much.

If you’re seeking the comfort of a jail cell instead of being crammed into a testing room next to Bobby Body Odor and Susan Sneak-a-Peek, listen carefully. These activities will relieve your stress and earn you some fame, but the only souvenir you’ll have left is your rap sheet.

Drink Your Face Off: This is normally as common on campus as a 12-year-old girl at a One Direction concert. But during finals, something awakens in the beast that is campus. Many raise their BACs to cope with declining GPAs. Being above average in your drinking since you’re below average in your grades might get you into some sticky situations. A charge for drunk in public or open container is one thing. Getting so wasted that you strip to your birthday suit and sprint through the exam rooms screaming about Scantrons… that’s just embarrassing. Good luck explaining that one to mom.

Vandalize: There is a lot of harbored anger throughout the semester, directed at professors, those ass-kissing students messing up your curve, and mostly yourself for being a lazy asshole for three months. But instead of being the young adult you (sometimes) are and taking the blame for not studying sooner, you just get mad. You want to Hulk smash some objects. Eyeing up your professor’s brand new Mercedes in the parking lot, you casually key the side and test your limits.

Good thing you always carry a monkey wrench. Two broken windows in and feeling very much like you’re in Office Space, you turn around to find campus police staring at you. It was cooler when you did it on Grand Theft Auto and could just hit the restart button.

Impersonate: You didn’t attend class at all semester. But your friend already took your psychology class and you took the theatre class she’s in. Perfect! You’ll take the exams for each other and no one will know the difference. As you finish the test, to your horror you see the TAs are smugly checking IDs as students turn in their tests. This could work, you think. You and your friend both have the same color hair. Your hands shake a bit as you hand your friend’s ID over, but you smile confidently. The TA stares at you for a good few minutes and finally chokes out, “You’re not a boy.” Oops.

Fight: Group work is the equivalent of kicking someone in the balls or giving birth, except it lasts for several weeks at a time. You’re usually stuck with a few sane people, but then there are the batshit crazy morons who can barely spell their own names. When they finally show up to your last meeting, the one girl asks you what your project is even about. You’ve had five shots of espresso and haven’t slept in two days to make up for her idiot ass. You fly across the table and land a sweet punch to her jaw. But once you start, you can’t stop.

Someone finally pulls you off, and everyone tells you that all you kept screaming was “incompetent bitch” over and over again. That is one awkward group presentation after three charges of assault and battery.

Be Passionate About Books: As you sit in the library reading your note cards for the 50th time that night, you feel frustrated. Taking a study break, you lock eyes with your semester hook up. He winks and smirks at you, eyebrows raised.

Getting up, he walks by you and motions for you to follow.

A quickie in the book stacks is on the bucket list, and boy do you need it. Halfway in, literally, it gets a little awkward when a shrieking foreign exchange student drags security in to view your topless ride. They lead you out behind your boy toy, and both of you are sporting sex hair and equally guilty looks. The laughter echoes throughout the library.

So if you’re going to land in the slammer, at least make sure it’s for a good reason. That being said, pleading insanity is completely acceptable during finals week, because you can bet your ass it’s true.

“Go to the local bars with my high school friends.”- Chris S.

“I sleep a lot and hang out with my friends.” - Erika G.

the seek n find

The Black Sheep's Millennial Nativity: Can you find all ten contemporary idols in this nativity scene? If St. Jar Jar answers your prayers, send in your answers and we'll send you some sweet swag!

real talk with mizz kuh: your love life in 2013 Aries (Mar. 21 - Apr. 20) Everything happens for a reason. Remember how upset you were about that required class you had to take at 8a.m.? Well say hello an afternoon delight-worthy Gemini who suddenly makes seeing the sunrise a beautiful thing.

Bonus: Free rides home on Tuesdays and Thursdays!

But be careful, because you still have to wake up stupid early to go to the damn thing.

Taurus (April 21 - May 21) Bad things come to those who wait. The cafeteria cutie smiles at you when you order extra cheese on Taco Tuesdays, but it only leads to being hella gassy later. When new employees roll in come late February, you’re suddenly more interested in Sundae Sundays.

Bonus: Your calcium intake won’t change at all!

But be careful, because ice cream when you’re hungover is a terrible idea.

Gemini (May 22 - June 21) Idle hands are the Devil’s playground, and we all know how much you love spending time with that asshole. If you ever opened your fluttery eyes, you’d notice how many people don’t hang out in playgrounds. Try opening a book in February, even if it’s only your MacBook in a very public coffee shop.

Bonus: You may just find the thick-rimmed-glasses hottie you’ve always wanted!

But be careful, because coffee will stain your pretty white teeth.

Cancer (June 22 - July 22) If you give an inch, they take a mile. Sure, you just really want to make out with the hottie down the hall, but that doesn’t mean they should drink your handle dry. For God sakes grow some balls, stop supplying booze for the mooch (a, what, psycho Aries?) and start seeing your real friends again.

Bonus: More money in your pocket and less pathetic phone calls to the parents!

But be careful, because hottie down the hall still has your sweet bong, better get that back, chief.

Libra (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22) A picture is worth a thousand words, which explains why you do more staring at hotties than actual interaction with them. We know it’s scary to get rejected, but it’s scary sitting alone with a bottle of wine every night, too. Rekindle with an alwayshad-a-crush-on friend around the holidays, because a New Year’s kiss will start 2013 out just right.

Bonus: You’ll have a drinking buddy!

But be careful, because sloptastic kisses don’t leave good impressions.

Leo (July 23 - August 22) The meek might inherit the Earth, but you will rule the shit out of it until then. Roaring your way into every bar in town is fulfilling, but it’s a bit overwhelming at times because drunks just can’t help but drool over you. Grace one person’s presence and stick with them around the holidays.

Bonus: Someone to get freak-ay with all the time!

But be careful, because you might just get bored by next weekend’s bedtime.

Scorpio (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21) They say you should do one thing every day that scares you, and you can only take that one way. You’d rather find an interesting place on campus to get a little sexy with than just about anything else. Look out for a cutie towards the beginning of spring, an empty dressing room, and then a place with cheap beer.

Bonus: You’ll finally start accomplishing that bucket list!

But be careful, because you don’t want to get banned from your favorite clothing store.

Virgo (August 23 - Sept. 22) Drunk words are sober thoughts and by God you need to shut your Twitter. Have you even seen your drunken tweets? Circa Saturday at 3:23 a.m.? “once you go black you gettt shots and joints heyyyyyyyyyy.” While Twitter has a delete function, your ethic friends’ memories do not, you racist.

Bonus: Never hurts to date a stoner!

But be careful, because you’re suddenly listening to way more Sublime than you ever thought.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

So you got your heart broken right as the school year started, and it’s been a tough time gettin’ back on your feet. Keep your eye out around the holiday’s for a particularly caring cutie who will appreciate your newfound strength.

Bonus: This may just be the person who loves egg nog as much as you do.

But be careful, because rushing into anything too quick will make you queasy.

Capricorn (December 22 - January 20) If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. The problem is, you could give a fuck. It’s good to speak your mind but, just like Instagram, a good filter can really work wonders. Find a kind Pisces (who you’ll want to use that filter around) and a place to talk less, like the movies.

Bonus: We heard Lincoln was awesome!

But be careful, because shedding a tear on the first date might be a little too emotional.

Aquarius (Jan. 21 - Feb. 19) You’re only as good as the company you keep, and you’ve been doing some appropriate cleaning up. Great job, but now you have to find new peeps who won’t screw you over. We’ve got a feeling a co-worker around springtime will be just the person to get you back on your feet.

Bonus: Spring cleaning means you’ll finally get those pipes cleaned out!

But be careful, because relationship drama at work is only fun for about three hours.

Pisces (Feb. 20 - Mar. 20) If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it’s yours. Just like when you lent your favorite lighter to the cute Cancer you met at the bar, you know that if everything really does happen for a reason, you’ll see them again and get that Bic back. Stop daydreaming for one minute, think about the people that really matter, and go get ‘em.

Bonus: Maybe losing your lighter will finally cut your smoking habit!

But be careful, because getting into a habit of bumming cigs is just rude.

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2013!

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