The Black Sheep
FR EE ... lik e 4/2 sign 0 p in et g a iti on sto ner . 's
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 6 • 4/18/13 - 5/1/13
theblacksheeponline.com @theblacksheepUD
4/20 Cancelled in Newark,
Students Still Do the Pot Anyway Chris Gray wrote this The Newark Police Department officially cancelled the day 4/20 in Newark Delaware after the Police Department claimed to have, “Shut down the big ‘weed’ factory on campus.” The day formerly known as April 20th will be hereby referred to as March 51st, May Minus Ten, or “Bonus Day.” The report came as a shock to most denizens of the University of Delaware, as most college students know weed is actually grown from the ground and not made in factories. The Newark Police Department stands by their claims, which experts are characterizing as an astounding display of idiot propaganda, reminiscent of North Korea or Nazi Germany. In spite of questioning from multiple news outlets, the department defends its report as “not false,” and “accurate.” In a press conference, press secretary for the Newark Police Department Bill Cauley told reporters: “Yeah. We uh, dismantled it--the weed factory. It was in a barn in the middle of a field somewhere outside of town, but it blew up. The Newark Police had to shoot several hostile gang members who were inside making weed, as well as several corrupt cops, members of the Yakuza, and the black guy who plays Darryl on The Office got run over by a car. The factory had the capacity to create a million pounds of [weed] a year. What? No, you can’t see [the weed]. It all burned up. Well, blew up. It was on fire and then there was a bomb and it blew everything up and now the weed factory is gone and everyone is safer because of something we did. No further questions.” All around campus students have responded to this confusing piece of news with general indifference. Although the weed factory has been dismantled, it seems college students still are quite capable of acquiring moderate to formidable quantities of marijuana with relative ease. It also seems that the town’s attempt to erase the calendar day of 4/20 has failed, as the rest of the country and world still recognizes the twentieth of April as a day. In fact, our studies have shown the calendar day of 4/20 seems to have little effect on the ability and willingness of students to spend the day under the influence of marijuana. Although most students are too high to realize it, a blind study of over 15,000 college students administered by Harvard University and The Black Sheep showed that students who smoke pot generally smoke the same
University of Dage?
amount every day regardless of what day it is. In an anonymous interview, University of Delaware senior Justin Heanue told us: “Yeah, I’ve been so high all week that I have no idea what day it is. I thought 4/20 was like on the eighteenth or something. I still spent the whole day totally wasted on pot. One of my friends bought a new videogame or movie or something and I spent the whole day watching him do that or whatever.” Another student, junior Adam Carey, told The Black Sheep, “Is it even April yet? I’m taking all online classes so I haven’t left my apartment in literally weeks. I’m blazed off of my ass twenty-four hours a day. What the hell is a weed factory? My dealer lives on South Chapel.”
what'’s inside
Bob Marley is Hitler
If your Dage leads to any sort of good decision making, then you’re probably doing it wrong.
If you can find even one good reason to dispute this… then you’re just overthinking it.
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Even students who don’t smoke pot decided to weigh in on the controversy surrounding the alleged 4/20 debacle. Erin, a sophomore honors student told us: “I don’t really know anything about doing weed, and I’ve certainly never done it. I live in the honors dorms for just that reason. I think everyone should be drug tested before coming to college so gross druggies don’t ruin everything for all the smart students.” So, in spite of that nerdy girl’s dumb comments and the confounding actions of the police, the spirit of 4/20 seems to be alive and well on the University of Delaware campus. Students will likely “smoke blunts” and play Halo for thirteen hours in a row, because that’s what they do most days anyways. Congratulations, everyone.
Girl Almost Tells Story not About Self An almost classic, almost heroic tale of almost-selflessness.
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