The Black Sheep
FR EE ... lik e 4/2 sign 0 p in et g a iti on sto ner . 's
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 4, Issue 6 • 4/18/13 - 5/1/13
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4/20 Cancelled in Newark,
Students Still Do the Pot Anyway Chris Gray wrote this The Newark Police Department officially cancelled the day 4/20 in Newark Delaware after the Police Department claimed to have, “Shut down the big ‘weed’ factory on campus.” The day formerly known as April 20th will be hereby referred to as March 51st, May Minus Ten, or “Bonus Day.” The report came as a shock to most denizens of the University of Delaware, as most college students know weed is actually grown from the ground and not made in factories. The Newark Police Department stands by their claims, which experts are characterizing as an astounding display of idiot propaganda, reminiscent of North Korea or Nazi Germany. In spite of questioning from multiple news outlets, the department defends its report as “not false,” and “accurate.” In a press conference, press secretary for the Newark Police Department Bill Cauley told reporters: “Yeah. We uh, dismantled it--the weed factory. It was in a barn in the middle of a field somewhere outside of town, but it blew up. The Newark Police had to shoot several hostile gang members who were inside making weed, as well as several corrupt cops, members of the Yakuza, and the black guy who plays Darryl on The Office got run over by a car. The factory had the capacity to create a million pounds of [weed] a year. What? No, you can’t see [the weed]. It all burned up. Well, blew up. It was on fire and then there was a bomb and it blew everything up and now the weed factory is gone and everyone is safer because of something we did. No further questions.” All around campus students have responded to this confusing piece of news with general indifference. Although the weed factory has been dismantled, it seems college students still are quite capable of acquiring moderate to formidable quantities of marijuana with relative ease. It also seems that the town’s attempt to erase the calendar day of 4/20 has failed, as the rest of the country and world still recognizes the twentieth of April as a day. In fact, our studies have shown the calendar day of 4/20 seems to have little effect on the ability and willingness of students to spend the day under the influence of marijuana. Although most students are too high to realize it, a blind study of over 15,000 college students administered by Harvard University and The Black Sheep showed that students who smoke pot generally smoke the same
University of Dage?
amount every day regardless of what day it is. In an anonymous interview, University of Delaware senior Justin Heanue told us: “Yeah, I’ve been so high all week that I have no idea what day it is. I thought 4/20 was like on the eighteenth or something. I still spent the whole day totally wasted on pot. One of my friends bought a new videogame or movie or something and I spent the whole day watching him do that or whatever.” Another student, junior Adam Carey, told The Black Sheep, “Is it even April yet? I’m taking all online classes so I haven’t left my apartment in literally weeks. I’m blazed off of my ass twenty-four hours a day. What the hell is a weed factory? My dealer lives on South Chapel.”
what'’s inside
Bob Marley is Hitler
If your Dage leads to any sort of good decision making, then you’re probably doing it wrong.
If you can find even one good reason to dispute this… then you’re just overthinking it.
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Even students who don’t smoke pot decided to weigh in on the controversy surrounding the alleged 4/20 debacle. Erin, a sophomore honors student told us: “I don’t really know anything about doing weed, and I’ve certainly never done it. I live in the honors dorms for just that reason. I think everyone should be drug tested before coming to college so gross druggies don’t ruin everything for all the smart students.” So, in spite of that nerdy girl’s dumb comments and the confounding actions of the police, the spirit of 4/20 seems to be alive and well on the University of Delaware campus. Students will likely “smoke blunts” and play Halo for thirteen hours in a row, because that’s what they do most days anyways. Congratulations, everyone.
Girl Almost Tells Story not About Self An almost classic, almost heroic tale of almost-selflessness.
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! page two k e e W e h t f o Pic word of the week Kartography:
The memorization of all maps in the entire Mario Kart franchise. “Tilda’s kartography was so sound she knew the secret jumps at Wario Stadium and Wario’s Gold Mine.”
Mutual icing wasn't the first thing these two have done in front of multiple cameras.
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Chillest Bro Chill Dude Elected Head of Campaign to Legalize Marijuana; Absolutely Nothing Gets Done kim hogan wrote this This Saturday, April 20th, marks the Bicentennial Anniversary of the founding of Delaware’s well-known group, the “Statewide Legalization Union Taskforce; Bringing All Ganja,” or SLUTBAG, as they are more commonly known. This dedicated collection of marijuana enthusiasts has been around for 200 years, but has accomplished startlingly little throughout its existence. This past Tuesday, the committee has finally gotten around to re-electing a leader after their previous one, Blaze Stokefire, lost his life in a tragic overdose of mellowness 17 years ago. There continues to be talk of erecting a statue dedicated to him, which “will be super chill and definitely next to a lake.”
include it in this article, as it was mostly 180 minutes of discussion on various styles of sandals and other mind-numbing stupidity. In addition to staff interviews, The Black Sheep was lucky enough to sneak into the presidential office while the committee was enjoying their daily, mandatory “post-bake snack time” and discover what sort of paperwork the group handles on a regular basis.
Luckily, The Black Sheep reporting staff was able to reach some SLUTBAGs for further information. “Smokey” Joe Stone commented, “Oh yea dude. Blaze was like a super chill bro. But he got too mellow and died. And that really harshed our buzz, you know? So like, now we elected this new dude, who is seriously mad chill and… oh snap, I still have to send in my ballot. Got any ink, bro? Wait, you smell tacos?” He could not be reached for further comment, but was later found asleep on a park bench next to what appeared to be a halfeaten Cheesy Gordita Crunch.
Eager to see the contents of the folder and curious as to exactly what these SLUTBAGs actually do, The Black Sheep convened at an undisclosed location and searched through the files. After six hours of sorting through rolling papers, take-out menus, and what was first assumed to be some sort of secret code files but later turned out to be just a shit ton of Mad Libs, we were extremely disheartened and also a little upset that our tax dollars were actually funding this agency.
Later on, our reporters were lucky enough to catch up with John Orr, the committee’s new president and self-proclaimed, “Broseidon; chilliest of the mad chill brehs.” He explained, “Remember that time after my broseph, Blaze Stokefire dipped out on mellowness OD and everything was totally beat and then I got elected to be the leader of the campaign to make tree legit? That was awesome.” The interview lasted an additional three hours, but we are unable to
There was only time to grab one file folder, so of course we snagged the one labeled “Seriously Important Stuff, Bro,” turning down the other three, “Not Really Important Stuff, Bro,” “Somewhat Important Stuff, Bro” and “Suggestions for Additions to the Taco Bell Menu”.
In a brilliant counterattack, The Black Sheep has come up with a plan, codename: Alabama Hot Pocket, to out the committee to the state in hopes that all funding will be cut by the end of the month, causing a once unlikely dream of legalizing marijuana to become relatively equally unlikely. The Black Sheep staff reporter, Haywood Jablowme, gave the following comment earlier today, “This plan is going to put a stop to the insanity and lack of discipline that this committee represents. Would you believe we found an entire portion of the folder dedicated solely to old Funyuns wrappers? The sheer
University of Dage?
Kelia Scott wrote this
madness. Mark my words, by this time next month, we are going to give those SLUTBAGs an Alabama Hot Pocket they will never forget.” The members of the committee could not be reached for a counterargument as they had all fallen asleep, amidst an assortment of Doritos bags and pints of Ben & Jerry’s.
The only reason we roll out of bed before 10 a.m on a Saturday morning is for Blue Ivy Carter concert tickets and booze. And since the weather is getting warmer, we know what the top priority is in everybody’s mind, so we’ll dissect the fine art of UD daydrinking. We start by waking up before the sun to prepare for our day. The pregame to a good daydrink should involve breakfast of some sort. Bottles and Bagels, Kegs and Eggs, Beerios, whatever your choice, make sure you have something to eat. You’ve got a big day ahead of you and you don’t want to be the one who gets sent to bed at 10:30 a.m. Hopefully it’s warm enough that you can rock your pinnie and “Betches love UD” sunglasses. Your go-to attire is bright and bro. Sleeves are discouraged. You find some old Rainbows because you don’t want to wreck your Tims trekking through muddy backyards. Besides, if you’re wearing boots to a daydrink you’re probably a cop coming to break it up. For the ladies, high socks and jean shorts are the move. If you’re wearing heels or a dress of any kind- just go back to brunch where you belong. Basic rule of a daydrink: don’t wear anything you’re too attached to because there’s a good chance it will end up beer-soaked, mud-stained, or on someone else by the end of the day. Daydrinking is a perfect opportunity to get creative in your beverage choices, since you’re not limited to the poor kid’s $1 cans of PBR at the bar. When else in life is it going to be acceptable to fill a CamelBak with wine? If you’re like 85% of Delaware students, you’ve got a North Face backpack. And like 85% of Delaware students, you use it to hold Keystones, not homework. Who gets bottles of champagne to share? Buy Andre by the case so everyone can empty theirs
into a Big Gulp, since it just seems to taste better when sipped through a straw. Grab some Taquitos while you’re at 7-Eleven because it’s 11 a.m. and you need more drinking fuel before you head on your way. Hours later you've been raging too hard to Swedish House Mafia and heard “Thrift Shop” one too many times to get excited by that bouncy intro anymore. You also made the rookie mistake of skipping sunscreen and now that sunglasses tan line is embarrassing you more than that tumble you took up the stairs 10 minutes ago. Yes, up the stairs. It’s time to go. If you can find your roommates in the sea of people then you grab them and head home, inevitably stopping for food on the way. The debate about whether you go to Freddy’s or Cal-Tor gets heated. Then there is a serious discussion about going to the dining hall, but that gets shot down because you remember that dinner there costs $13. Ultimately, your friends all agree that your money is better spent on alcohol, and you decide to make food when you get back. You think it’s a wonderful idea to operate the stove and handle sharp knives after you’ve been drinking aggressively. Five hours later, you’re waking up groggy and unsure of what you did all day. Several pizza boxes strewn around your room suggests somebody went to Little Caesar’s, you’re not sure if it was you or not. And whose pants are those? You’ve got a Kildare’s stamp rubbed off on your face and mud all over your shoes. You notice the wristband you’re wearing but don’t remember going to Grotto at all. That is the beauty of the day drink. If you just woke up at 8 p.m. and you’re asking yourself these kinds of questions -- that means you did it right.
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The
Bob Marley is Hitler: But in the Good Way
Top 10
Dillon McLaughlin wrote this In a recent discovery, Hinduism was found to be the most accurate religion. This monumental announcement has allowed speculation about Hitler's final days to resurface. There are rumors that the leader of the German High Command had lost his way some time between January and early March of 1945.
According to Professor Davis Anthony of Stanford University, the parallels between the two men are eerie. “Both men were devout vegetarians, eating little to no meat like vegetarians do,” said Anthony. “Plus, both men were super obsessed with religion, so we can’t discard that either.” In an excerpt from Joseph Goebbels’ private diary, written on March 26th, 1945, the second highest ranking Nazi expounds on his suspicion of the Führer loss of enthusiasm: "It was as I feared, the spirit had left him. No longer did mein Führer wish to purge the world of the Jewish horde. He had gone soft, often just going through the motions of commanding the faltering German war machine. Our beloved Hitler now treats his eugenics as a chore, and no longer pursues his ultimate Aryan goal. I miss the old Hitler." Goebbels wrote daily journal entries, all very similar to the one above, chronicling the degradation of Hitler's obsession. Goebbels other journal entries include startling insight into the daily life of the mid 1940s National Socialist Party and his own personal failings. For instance, Goebbels was never let into the tree house that was built behind the Reichstag, he couldn't taste strawberries, and he had crippling erectile dysfunction, often downing entire bottles of primitive Viagra at the mere mention of romantic contact.
Things to Steal When you're Drunk
Drinking can lead you in many different directions, whether it’s towards a toilet, towards tater tots, or towards someone’s bed. Some people stay in the confines of (barely) legal activities like these when their BACs rise. Then there are the Bonnies and Clydes of the weekend world that will snatch anything they can get their hands on. Here are the top ten things your drunk kleto self should strive to steal during a night on the town. 10.) Bar Memorabilia: Nothing says "I’m barely over the age of 21" like taking a souvenir from every bar on Main Street. You could be a good human being and purchase a t-shirt or something, or you could steal something that actually depicts your time at the bar. Grab a toilet seat or take the bouncer with you on the way out the door. 9.) Noms: When that alcohol hits your tummy, your tummy wants some food to soften the blow. Just black flip over the counter at Margherita’s and snatch a pie. They won’t notice a thing. If you’re really feeling ambitious, break into NDB and take enough bagels to last you all four years worth of hangovers. Don’t forget your sack though, you’re going to be making a break for it like a carbed-up version of Santa Claus.
The German ability to wage war was quickly diminishing and recruiters were getting desperate. Men older than 40 and boys younger than 18 made up a significant portion of the Fatherland's final defenses, often engaging in hastily prepared defensive failures. The Luftwaffe had virtually disappeared from the skies and three massive, pissed off Allied armies were closing in on Berlin. Most would say that Hitler was simply becoming less confident in the Wehrmacht and his impending capture weighed heavy on his mind. However, historians and psychics have recently found it increasingly likely that the spirit of an apologetic Hitler may have been reincarnated into the body of Bob Marley, who was born only months before Hitler's suicide. This new theory explains both Hitler's loss of conviction and how a person as good and genuine as Bob Marley can exist.
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8.) Signs: Stealing signs is an old tradition in the world of kleptomania. But if you want to do it right, you have to get some use out of the signs rather than leaving them in your garage. So tape that stop sign to the ceiling above your bed so you can rethink letting the ugly kid you found in the corner of the bar be your regret for the night. 7.) Composites: It is practically a college classic to yank the composite from whatever frat party you have graced with your presence on a Friday night. Nothing says you’re awesome like having a picture of 100 people you don’t really know (or don’t remember you know). Extra points if you grab an old keg toss trophy or something. 6.) Jefe: If you haven’t seen the musical magic that is Jefe on a Tuesday at Deer Park, you’re missing out. If you haven’t lured Jefe to the bar to take shots and then dragged him home to serenade you to sleep with “Wonderwall,” you’re just being lazy. Hey, it’s only kidnapping if he reports it.
From his birth, Hitler/Marley devoted himself to making amends for the sins of his past life. His messages combating political injustice point to regrets from a past life. “He really tried to make everything right in the world this time around,” said Anthony. “Marley was constantly doing charity work, trying to make the world a better place. Who genuinely does that with love in their hearts?” Some remain skeptical of the recent theories over the connections between the two men. “Are you serious right now? You’re really going to ask me whether or not I think Bob Marley was reincarnated Hitler?” said Malaki Raustis, the nonbelieving heretic. “This conversation is over.” Raustis's car tires were later found slashed. No witnesses were available for comment, but if they were, they'd say that Raustis shouldn't insult people who were just asking questions. Marley died of a type of malignant melanoma under the nail of a toe at the early age of 36. Doctors who treated the cancer reported the only possible cause for the cancer was the universe holding some kind of grudge. “Bob Marley the person may have been a bit of a political muckraker, but the world unanimously decided he did not deserve toenail cancer,” said Tobias Roberts, a historian at Yale University. “We believe big toe cancer is what would have killed Hitler had he not taken his own life. The malicious mass of mutated cells then followed Hitler’s soul through the cosmos, stalked him much like a lion stalks a gazelle in the savanna, and eventually struck just like an iguana's tongue. Really quickly and with a 'fffthpt' noise.” Historians are now investigating claims that Gandhi is the penitent reanimated corpse of Genghis Khan.
5.) Puppies: There are dogs all over campus that you just want to snatch right up while you’re sober. This urge only grows five shots in. So save that poor frat hound from being fed beer and pizza. He deserves better, and better is you. Don’t worry, you’re not Cruella de Vil unless you plan on making them into a coat. 4.) The Memorial Bell: You’ve heard it. You’ve heard the chimes that echo in your head like gunshots when you are crawling from building to building hung over every Friday. So relieve everyone of their pain and climb that bell tower, Quasimodo. Just think, you can put a gin bucket in the bell or even paint it and make the best formal cooler anyone has ever seen. 3.) The Book Statue: You’ve been in need of a tanning area in your backyard as the warm weather approaches, so jack a construction vehicle from somehere on campus and drive on over to Mentor’s Circle. No one will even notice it’s gone. 2.) President Harker’s Paycheck: This one is going to take some Sherlock Holmes style sleuthing, but grab a Watson and get going because you can pay off all four years of your tuition with this one. The Harker Mansion is probably equipped with laser alarms, vaults, and vicious pitbulls, but that sixth beer is going to make you feel invincible. 1.) Someone’s Virginity: This might not seem like a bigger feat than many things on this list, but nothing says a successful drunk night like someone letting you steal their first time. Let’s just hope they can figure out the condom and you don’t have to demonstrate on a banana. Can you say, "awkward?"
Brittany choplin wrote this
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Girl Almost Tells Story Not About Self Shannon Poulsen wrote this Alisha West steered yet another conversation in the hallway towards herself yesterday night in the Russell D2 dorm after swearing to herself that she’d try to stop this horrible habit. Students reported the incident to The Black Sheep in an effort to “get the story out” because they can “no longer handle her shit.” West is known at UD for her kind demeanor, welcoming smile, and self-centered attitude. She began to discuss how her hamster died after one of her floormates and resident pussy, Matt Kroger, shared that his grandmother passed over break. “Well, yeah, I mean it’s a little rough when I’m discussing how I spent all night in the hospital with my grandma before she passed away, and Alisha comes in and talks about her traumatic hamster experience. But no one’s perfect, so I guess we gotta give her that.” said Kroger. Kroger then shed a single tear, to which West showed up, gave him a tissue, and talked about how she likes to “let it out sometimes too. It’s the best thing to do… you know, I have an improv show coming up that might really cheer you up!” West reportedly then changed the topic of discussion to her latest show coming up and how everyone should go to it. Despite swearing earlier that she’d try to not discuss any aspect about herself for once, West did not express a satisfactory amount of guilt for breaking this promise to be forgiven by her fellow students. “Oh shoot! I tried really hard! But after hearing about how Matt’s grandma died, I figured that my experience with death could help him through his. No one should suffer through a traumatic experience alone, so hearing that I’ve suffered a completely parallel and
exactly similar experience might make him feel less sad” said West. Alisha’s roommate, and fakest friend on the floor, Brianna Towers, doesn’t understand how West can talk about herself so much. “All she does is come home, throw her shit down, and list every inconsequential thing she’s done today. Like, really? I’m so fucking interested in how you pulled a little gray hair out of your omelet this morning. Tell me more. Please. I care so fucking much” said Towers. “Also, don’t tell her I said that.” An undercover reporter at The Black Sheep engaged Alisha in conversation yesterday to find out exactly how long it takes for West to bring up herself. A short snippet of the recorded conversation is below: The Black Sheep: Hello Alisha! West: Hello! I’m sorry, do I know you? TBS: Oh fuck, no, sorry. I, uh, sit in the back of one of your classes. I thought I’d just say hi. I’m on my wayWest: Oh, how nice. I love all my classes. Especially the ones pertaining to my major, Art Conservation. TBS: Cool. How’s the weather outside? I’m about to leave and IWest: Warm. My parents support my love of saving art. They never throw away my paintings - I have all of them from first grade on! I learned painting so quickly. I hope I can be a great artist someday. TBS: Awesome. Well good talkinWest: It’s so refreshing to talk to someone new. I made a vow to myself that I’d stop talking about myself but it didn’t work out I feel kind of bad but not as bad as the time that I jaywalked right in front of this car that had to stop really fiercely and (continues) TBS: Wow, you’re not even paying attention that I’m not listening.
Nipples. No response? Ok well. I’m leaving. West: …and that’s how I ended up at Delaware! Isn’t this crazy? Where’d you go? Critics argue that West’s self-centered attitude is derived from an age of new digital technology and the need to constantly report what one is doing all the time, as if it’s actually important. Others argue that it’s just because West is a big bitch. Regardless of the answer, most people agree that West’s selfish tendencies show a growth in shitty people in the US population. “Next time. I swear, next time I’ll talk a only relate things to like, the weather. God my hair frizzes up when it’s humid” said West. “I took the time to straighten it today! Omg such a busy day…”
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bartender of the week Jordan Kildare's What is the best thing about working at Kildare’s: The staff is like a big family. I have been working for Kildare’s 3 years now, and you don’t stay with something you hate. What were you doing before this: I was playing a little minor league baseball after college, but a friend of mine got me working for Kildare’s and I’ve been with them ever since. I even moved up here to open a restaurant in PA and to manage here in Newark. What kind of work do you do at Kildare’s as a manager: I easily spend 50+ hours here a week bartending or serving, or working the different odds and ends of business and marketing. What do you do in your spare time: Sundays are “family dinner nights” with the staff, but I also like to go to the beach. Where is the best place to get a drink around here: Since I’m fairly new to the area I really only know main street, but I did hear that Two Stones is a great place to go. Also,
the drinking game: ???
??????
Delaware is a hub for local breweries, and they are a lot of fun to visit and you can try all their beer. Which holiday is your favorite drinking holiday: St. Patrick’s Day. My grandparents are fresh off the boat from Ireland. I have always worked for Irish families or at Irish pubs and restaurants; I love the people and culture. The cool thing about Kildare’s is that all of the barrels and books and wall hangings are legitimately from Ireland and are authentic. Who is the worst type of customer: The one customer who is looking to have a bad time. Like there is nothing you can do to make you happy. If you could change one thing about Kildare’s, what would it be: I am really trying to expand the beer selection. We have a ton of choices now, but I really want to make a big impact on the beer community. That would make it a true Irish pub. Pubs are so much better than bars because people come to relax and enjoy each other’s company, rather than just a place to get a drink.
recipe for disaster: Newest ????
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Freshest
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From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What's your favorite thing to do on 4/20? “Go out and look for tons of food.” - Liz C., Sophomore
“Be mesmerized over the intricacies of Requiem for a Dream while eating too many cookies.” - Sam A., Senior
“Nothing. I don’t do anything. Just whatever normal people do. And I’m definitely not a delusional conspiracy theorist pothead who thinks black helicopters and men in suits follow me around.” - John D.
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The "how high?" flowchart
the madlib: a frolfing adventure What started out as a ___1___ ___2___ quickly turned into the weirdest day since Saturday at ___3___, when Jonah took all that/those ___4___ and found some girl in ___5___ furry boots to give him a ___6___ massage and then rode her around like a ___7___ until the sun came up. Anyway, Jonah and I went out frolfing at noon with a 6-pack of ___8___ and a bit of ___9___, I had my iPod blasting some ___10___ and we were having the time of our lives. We got to hole nine, but it wasn’t the same hole nine we’ve played since we were freshman. We squinted our already squinty eyes and saw a ___11___ wearing a ___12___and holding a glass of ___13___, gesturing for us to come closer. When we froze, he started coming closer. “Hi there,” the creature cackled, not unlike that fat chick from ___14___ who’s legit stalking me. “Why don’t we jump into my… tunnel?” Suddenly a tunnel full of ___15___-smoke and ___16___-colored confetti appeared.
“A tunnel? That’s the best you could think of?” said Jonah, that ___17___. The creature was suddenly sitting on our shoulders between us. He handed us his drink, and we drank. The next thing we knew, we were dancing to ___18___ and grinding on girls wearing ___19___, but they were so sexy. We were smiling like ___20___ was giving us ___21___ and dancing our asses off. When we came to, Jonah was poking me on the shoulder and I stopped dancing for the first time in who knows how long. We were on hole nine, with a rather large crowd of ___22___ watching. “Dude, what the hell just happened! I think that weird thing slipped us some ___23___ and we just tripped out for hours!” “Bunch of ___24___, it’s only 12:30!” someone shouted, as we stepped aside to let everyone play and to drink some of our beer. “We’re going to have to get some more of that ___25___,” said Jonah, and we cheersed.
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1) Positive Adjective 2) Weekday 3) Music Festival 4) Drug 5) Bright Color 6) Body Part 7) Mammal 8) Shitty Beer 9) Wacky Weed Name 10) Female Pop Star 11) Creepy Animal 12) Fancy Piece of Clothing 13) Fancy Drink
14) Freshman Dorm 15) Type of Herb 16) Jewel 17) Body Part 18) EDM artist 19) Cheap Clothing Store 20) Hot Female Celebrity 21) Sexual Favor 22) Slang for Hippies 23) Party Drug 24) Word from #21 25) Word from #8
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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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