The Black Sheep
fre con e...lik d o m e yo s. A ur r nd o too omm thb ate rus ’s h.
Vol.5, Issue 1
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
9/5/13 - 9/18/13
How to Announce You’re
Starting Over This School Year BY: Shannon Poulsen This is it, everyone! In case you didn’t’ notice, the school year is starting. It’s time to inform everyone you know that you’re ready for a new start. If you don’t, how the hell will they know you’re ready to change from who you were last year? It’s time to become a bigger, better, more annoying version of yourself. “But how do I do that?! I don’t know social norms!!” Don’t worry, The Black Sheep are social butterflies. We even did research as to what ways you can signify your preparedness in an acceptable manner while being fun and unique! So here are a few ideas to make sure you announce your new beginning properly. The Black Sheep guarantees that you’ll be cool and original with these funky ideas. Facebook status style: Dig deep and talk about all the heartfelt emotions you’re feeling. Share your disbelief at how quickly time has gone from this amazing summer. Link your summer album of 300+ photos and talk about how you’ve made so many memories, though you can’t wait to make more this year. Then, end with a positive quote you got from an inspirational quote generator. That will really show everyone how excited you are, not to mention unique. Throwback photo: So you’re starting your sophomore year of college. Do people know what you looked like in 3rd grade? Find an old photo and post it on the good ole’ FB. If you’re a funny individual, say you’re now entering 14th grade. Hilarious! Bonus: Talk about how strange it is to be growing up. People can relate to that because they all have literally done the same thing. You’ll be cool in no time.
Complain about books: Maybe you’re not a sentimental person. Try a more academic approach by complaining about the price of books. Seriously, they’re so expensive, it’s like you’re buying the keys to a car right? Or you can complain about how that professor is making you buy his $35 workbook that you probably won’t use. So unfair! While this method is stronger in emotion (anger), it is lighter in the whole “school is starting!” Choose what best fits your individual personality! Get a haircut: Sometimes used by girls after a break up, getting a haircut symbolizes something new is happening in your life. Is it a short bob you’re looking for? A pixie cut? A forced compliment when people ask “did you get a haircut?” and then have no other response to give than “it looks nice!” so you get a free compliment? Either way, this change to your appearance shows the world you’re a brand new person ready to take on the challenge of learning new hairstyles to wear to class! Wear only new clothes: Buying a new wardrobe for the fall doesn’t have to be limited to K-12. You’ll have to sacrifice booze money for that new dress but imagine how cool you’ll look when everyone is wearing the same thing they wore last year! Especially on a campus our size, everyone will notice who is wearing last month’s jeans. Bonus: Have your mom take you. She’ll not only pick up the tab, but she’ll compliment you the entire time, despite your summer weight gain. With any of these ideas in place, everyone will know you’re roarin’ to go for the new year. Keep in mind, there are no other acceptable options to signify you’re ready. It is also socially mandatory that you DO pick an idea and complete it. Otherwise, you’re not ready for the school year and that’ll like, curse you or something. Have fun sharing!
page 7
page 7
page 13
Drinks to get You Through Syllabus Week
Top 10: People you’ll find at morris library
Freshmeat: Thing to look out for as a freshman
here are some key recipes to revamp your motivation.
the thickets of Morris Library must be navigated carefully.
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It’s a jungle out there, lurking around every frat house.
>> Table of Contents << page 4: Greyhound Bus Company Bought by Sea Slugs
>> Who knew sea slugs were the secret to increased profits?
4
5
page 5: How to Avoid Being a Freshman on Campus
>> Follow these steps to avoid being heckled by upperclassmenâ&#x20AC;Ś and certain professors. page 6: On the Streets
>> If you had to pick one challenge to compete in, with the fate of humanity on the line, what would it be? pages 10-11: The Least Anticipated Albums of Fall 2013 >> From Jack Johnson to Drake, we look at the albums that we probably wonâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;t look at again.
11
6
page 12: Bartender of the week
>> Brett from Grotto tells it like it is, and you know how it is.
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Celebrity Before & After Just like Jeopardy!, our before and after asks you to pair two unlike things, sharing only a word. Because we’re as vapid as the rest of you, a celebrity name will always be involved. Tweet your answer @TheBlackSheepUD and use #goodtimes for a chance to win a prize!
Friendly Chicago blues legend that would weep openly if compared to male Food Network face.
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Greyhound Bus Company Bought by Sea Slugs,
no one notices By: Dillon McLaughlin
As of this past May, the Greyhound Bus Company has been owned and operated by a group of roughly three million sea slugs. The August announcement of the corporate transfer went smoothly and was unnoticed by Greyhound customers, but came as a surprise to everyone else. Most of the population had assumed Greyhound was being run by a management completely ignorant of the invention of the wristwatch, distance measurement, and cartography. In an effort to reestablish our journalistic integrity and get some kind of exposure outside of the forgotten corner of a drunk English major’s dining room, The Black Sheep sent reporters to the deepest bowels of hell itself. Don’t worry, the editors gave them enough bagels and jelly for six weeks of deep reporting. Starting in late 2002, the slugs began pooling their pocket change from late night munchy runs to the 7-Eleven off the coast of Florida. The slugs also regularly raided the only “Take a Penny – Leave a Penny” of rural Kentucky, saying “no one really cares when we slime our way onto the counter. Turns out when you stage a hostile takeover of a small blue charity bowl, you can profit about $5.87 a day. We highly recommend Catholic poor boxes as starting points for venture capitalists.” The slugs were reluctant to divulge more, as the publication of their much-anticipated Seaborne Assault: Our Adventures in the Economic Environment of the 21st Century was pending. For one Greyhound customer, it came as a relative shock that the company had been run by small cylinders of viscous organic material for nearly four months. “I usually compared the higher ups of Greyhound to small invertebrates incapable of rational thought and planning as an exaggeration,” said Newark resident and used car salesmen Chuck Silvane. “To me, it was never a possibility
that I was right when I said ‘Greyhound wouldn’t know an accurate 2:40 departure time if it stripped in front of them for its 22nd birthday.’” Silvane was quick to defend the last human members remaining in Greyhound’s corporate structure, noting that the drivers seem most well-adjusted to the overall situation they have had to face over the past summer. “The job was already to deal with poorly organized schedules given to them by sedentary and nearly incoherent organisms,” said Silvane. “But now there’s less bone and more mucus.” When pressed for comment, several of the slugs burst, having no exo- or endoskeleton to protect them from sudden pressure changes. The survivors said, “It was never about the money for us. We were just looking for a business opportunity where our presence would be least intrusive.” “As it turns out,” the slugs continued, “Greyhound’s business model at the time of our takeover was very similar to how we approached our time squatting next to subaquatic volcanic vents. You know, the one where you leech nutrients off the surrounding flow of resources without actually providing a real and reliable service to the ecosystem.” The only noticeable difference between when humans operated the company and when the reigns had been passed over to conscienceless submarine tubes of gross was that the buses were slightly cleaner than before. As soon as they entered the bus to their new office, the slugs were disgusted with the state of things, demanding the first ever Swiffering of a public transportation vehicle. Since the slugs’ takeover last quarter, there has been a 13% increase in profit and morale has doubled.
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How to avoid being
ia By: Carolyn and Br
n
s u p m a c n o n a A Freshm
The return to Delaware means anticipating many good times, reconnecting with friends you haven’t seen all summer, getting your GPA up, and a new class of freshmen. But until they really understand what UD is all about, they stick out like a man at a Taylor Swift concert. Follow these tips to lower your risk of running into a freshman, or avoid being mistaken for one, during the first few weeks of school. Don’t wear a white t-shirt on weekends: Freshmen prowling the streets of Newark searching for parties are identified in two ways: the flocks in which they travel and their white t-shirts. Newbies sport this uniform because of their tendency to hear about highlighter parties, whether or not they actually exist. You may or may not have noticed this trend before, but now is the time to keep your eyes peeled. If you spot a young-looking group resembling this description, run, don’t walk, to the nearest exit. Avoid Cleveland on weekends: By day, Cleveland Avenue is home to upperclassmen in need of cheap rent. By night, it is populated by those hordes of freshmen on a quest to find a party even if they haven’t heard of one yet. And they usually do. Unless you personally know the host, avoid parties on Cleveland at all costs, at least for the first few weeks of school.
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Wear your book bag properly: One-strapping book bags might have been cool in middle school, but now that you’re a big boy/girl it’s time to put the book bag on properly, with both straps. At the same time, loosening your book bag straps until your book bag hits your ass every time you take a step is a terrible thing to do. Walk to class: In high school, being late to class would lead to disciplinary action. In college, you can be a few minutes late to class without going to detention. So, maintain your composure and walk to class. Being late is not a crime, but being sweaty and out of breath in a crowded lecture hall should be, so calm down. Don’t register for classes in Smith Hall: This academic building is known for its huge lecture halls and thus contains many 100-and 200-level classes filled with freshmen. Our newest UD peers registered for these courses hoping that they would be easy breadth requirements and big enough classes to skip frequently. By now, you upperclassmen should take courses in buildings with smaller classrooms. So unless you’re in line for Starbucks, avoid Smith. Ignore those wearing lanyards around their necks: Lanyards are not even a convenient way to organize keys and fobs. Yet, for reasons
E V OP E N ER YD AY
unknown, freshmen get some memo to purchase these atrocities and wear them around their neck. The patterns vary from UD themed to Vera Bradley prints. Some may even be from visits to other college campuses. However, no matter the origins or personal sentiments, this Golden Rule holds true: wearing a lanyard formally declares that you are brand new to campus. So put that knowledge into practice and cross the street when you see a lanyard approaching. You can chose to follow our advice or to completely ignore it, just know that we have finished our freshman years and we’re now passing our wisdom onto you little popsicles. Have fun and be yourself, just not your freshman self, because that might be a little lame.
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Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets If you had to compete one-onone in anything to save the human race from an alien invasion, what would you compete in?
Alex, Senior
ped, am p a t g in t t e ’s g Something
I right?!
“Super Smash Bros with Yoshi.”
r Cedric, Senio
“Netflix marathoning.”
ior Elliott, Jun
“Drinking.”
06
drinks to get you through
Syllabus Week
The
Top
Ten
People You’ll Find at Morris Library By: Sarah Allen
As the new semester kicks off, we’ll all find ourselves setting up camp at our second home (no, not the bar), the library. Like any other spot on campus, the library comes with its own cast of characters. Let’s go over the top ten types of people you’ll likely find lurking amongst the stacks of books at Morris. 10.) The Space Invader: You’re at the table working on a paper, or, let’s face it, updating your Facebook status yet again when there comes an ominous feeling of someone looming over your space. Before you can say “personal bubble” he sits down across from you without permission. Not only is this rude, but presumptuous. Just because it’s an empty seat does not mean your imaginary friends aren’t important too. 9.) The Scholarship Kid: Concerned with the pressure of keeping up a GPA to continue receiving financial aid, you can hear the sobs of frustration as she receives texts from friends about nacho Tuesdays at Kate’s. 8.) The Techie: Headphones? Check. Laptop? Check. Smartphone? Check. This guy is so plugged in he might be a Cylon. 7.) The Bookworm: The Bookworm actually enjoys reading and analyzing six novels at a time. No, really, why else would anyone become an English major? Maybe offer her a drink. All work and all play makes Jill a dull girl.
By: Brian McManus Syllabus week is a magical time of year, when all classes are only twenty minutes long, campus is energetic, freshmen are lost in buildings, and everybody’s spending thousands of dollars on textbooks. Now that we’re all back at school, it’s time to get some drinking done, so here are a few drinks to help get you through syllabus week. The 8 a.m.: 1 part Bailey’s Irish Cream 1 part Patron Café Whipped Cream The 8 a.m. is the perfect drink to get your day going, and by that we mean end it before it starts. If you are one of the most unfortunate who scheduled an 8 a.m. class, this drink is the perfect pregame to your ridiculously early syllabus sessions. In a shaker with ice, shake the Bailey’s and Patron Café and top with whipped cream. Put it in a Starbucks cup and people will think you’re a regular student with good habits, instead of a troubled student with a bad one. Textbook Iced Tea: 1 part plain vodka 1 part lemon rum 1 part lemonade 2 parts beer Syllabus week might be fun when classes end early and the drinks start to pour, but we can’t forget about the worst part of the new semester: buying textbooks. The high cost of textbooks puts a dent in our booze money, so sometimes you have to scavenge your booze. Textbook Iced Tea is a little bit of all the booze you left unfinished last semester, concocted into a mixture that will calm your nerves after dropping $600 on four books you’ll never open. Combine all of the ingredients in a large glass and use that fresh, $231 calc book as a coaster. Fiery Homework of Death: 1 part vodka
1/4 part triple sec 1/4 oz Everclear This shot is designed specifically for when a teacher assigns homework on the first day of class. Whether it be a small reading assignment or an essay, this shot will soothe your nerves and help you deal with your evil, hell-bent teacher. Mix all of the beautiful liquor and pour it into multiple shot glasses. Take the shot before, during, and after you do your homework, just to make things a little more fun. Why the Hell is Summer Over: 1 part cranberry juice 1 part orange juice 1 part vodka 1 part coconut rum At some point over syllabus week you’re going to realize that it isn’t summer anymore, and it’s going to suck. So pour this drink and garnish with an orange and maybe one of those little umbrellas and relax. Shit’s about to get cold and gray, so cherish what little remains of the hot weather we’ve got.
6.) The Pinterestista: Also known as the procrastinator, the Pinterestista knows everything about current events, trending topics, where everyone will be that night, and how to make furniture from toilet paper rolls. Just don’t ask about how her class project is coming along. 5.) The Snorlax: Often found curled up on the couch or in a remote corner of the library, the Snorlax doesn’t let his roommate’s visiting girlfriend ruin the quest for sleep. Bonus points if he makes a fort out of encyclopedias to sleep in. 4.) The Very Hungry Caterpillar: If you listen closely, you can hear the crunching sounds coming from one of the desks. Unable to study without a snack, she covertly demolishes a bag of chips despite being able to do the exact same thing at Perkins or Trabant – without annoying everyone around. 3.) The Hoarder: Will be sitting next to the only available outlet and refuse to let you switch seats so that you can use it even though your laptop is dying. The only way to deal with a hoarder is to distract him with something shiny. 2.) The Chatterbox: No one knows the importance of communication more than the Chatterbox. Confused that she is not in the common room, she will answer and hold a phone conversation – informing everyone in the room just what Danny and Susan did last night at Kildare’s. If not on the phone, the Chatterbox will bring a few friends along to double your annoyance and disregard the quiet time rule of the library.
Responsibility: 2 parts Coke 1 part spiced rum 1 part Jack Daniel’s Whiskey The worst part about syllabus week is dealing with new responsibility, especially so early in the year. This drink can be enjoyed while walking to class, in the dining hall, while doing homework, or during your morning shower. You can garnish this drink with a lime, or you can ignore garnishes and just get your drink on as soon as possible. To customize this drink, use Diet Coke if you’re in a sorority, or Dr. Pepper Ten (the self-proclaimed man’s diet cola) if you’re in a frat. Syllabus week is the easiest week of the semester, so we encourage you to have fun. Just don’t be stupid, make good decisions, and whatever you do, don’t jay walk.
1.) The Zombie: Look for the characteristic dark under-eye circles, dull skin, and the odor of take out. To fuel his hunger for caffeine, the Zombie is hardly ever seen without a large cup of coffee that he will absently sip from while staring at the same screen for an hour.
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games then you could ever play.
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$2 Draft Beer
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Wing Night! $0.35 Wings Pub Quiz! 9pm - 12am $3 22oz Yuengling Pints, $3 Captain Morgan Drinks
1/2 Price Burgers, Salsa Night Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Rails, $4 Fireball Shots
$6 Nacho Night! Seafood, Taco, Supreme, Chicken or Pulled Pork $2.50 Coors Light
MON.
College Night! $2 Single You-Call-Its $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
Burger Night! $5 1/2lb. Burgers Karaoke Dance Party at 10pm $3 Long Island Iced Tea $3 Kronenbourg Blanc
1/2 Price Nachos, Quizzo Tuesday Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $2.50 Coors Light
TUES.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Weinhard's IPA
Irish Session at 7:30pm, Pub Pong at 9pm, DJ at 10pm $2 Bud Light Pints, $2 Pinnacle Flavored Vodka Drinks, $5 Jameson & Ginger, $3 Carlsberg Drafts, $3 Fireball Shots, $5 Flatbreads
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The Least-Anticipated 2013 has been a fantastic year for music. With great new releases from Youth Lagoon, Chance The Rapper, Vampire Weekend, Pity Sex, Major Lazer and The World is a Beautiful Place & I am no Longer Afraid to Die, you would hope the final third of this year of our lord has something great in store.
Hall of Fame Big Sean - August 27th Big Sean is a hack who pairs a massive ego with miniscule rhymes. Dude raps like he has a mouth full of wind chimes and his best song has a Nicki Minaj verse on it. Big Sean is on that CyHi level on G.O.O.D Music where you just wonder why the hell Ye’ still keeps him on there, but at least CyHi has “Ray-Ban Vision” and his verse on “So Appalled.” Big Sean’s claim to fame is the phrase “ass quake.” Next time someone tells you that the Detroit mixtape is one of the best albums of 2012, break their jaw. Big Sean thinks his verse on “Control” (which won’t even be on the album) was better than Kendrick’s or Jay Electronica’s because Big Sean is the EXACT type of pompous jackass who would read how much praise someone besides him is getting on a song he’s on, only to get jealous about the pub, so he says he’s better. He’s the guy who not only will jump off the bridge if everyone else is doing it, but he’ll jump off the Ambassador Bridge, claim that it was cooler than everyone else who jumped off the Golden Gate, and say that anyone who disagrees is a hater.
Prediction: Certified Platinum
Speaking of taking a plunge, Big Sean needs to find a void to fall in, never to return to plague us with rhymes as lame as “Now we out in Paris, yeah I'm Perriering / White girls politicking, that's that Sarah Palin.” Every day, nursing home geriatrics take shits hotter than the best Big Sean verse out there. This album is going to absolutely suck, yet will go platinum, making it a commercial success but an absolute waste of musical talent surrounding Sean Michael Anderson. Not even production from arguably the hottest producer out right now in Hit-Boy, who created the beat for “Goldie,” “N***s in Paris,” and “Clique,” can save Big Sean from audibly tripping over his own feet trying to pronounce a word with more than two syllables.
From Here to Now to You Jack Johnson - (Sept. 17th) Everyone listening to this album will be too stoned or too stupid to realize that Jack Johnson is the worst. Every single Jack Johnson song sounds the same. That sentiment gets used often in music, but never has it been quite so apt. Seriously, go put on Jack Johnson Radio on Pandora or something and try to figure out when one song ends and another begins. We’ll wait. Oh you fell asleep already? Sorry about that. Anyway, we need another Jack Johnson album like we need another Olive Garden. The parallells between the two are eerie.There are already plenty, and they are all perfectly mediocre and should never be utilized by sentient beings, yet there’ll always be someone convinced to go back for the breadsticks. Or something like that. The next album has just about zero chance to be any different. If Jack Johnson suddenly becomes something other than generic shitty stoner guitar music, it would cause a rip in the space-time continuum, letting in massive terrifying, spliffed monsters that would demand all of our couches and all of our Cheetos. If he drops something that’s not bland guitar and soft vocals, we’d be more frightened than impressed. Expect more of the same, unfortunately. Maybe he will just re-release “Banana Pancakes” and stretch it for like 45 minutes. That’s probably better than whatever this will be.
Prediction: Certified OG Kush
Albums of Fall 2013 Unfortunately, you would be wrong, as there is plenty of music scheduled to be released that is sure to be nothing short of an atrocity. Here are the five albums I’m least excited for in the Fall of 2013. By: Noel Purcell
Nothing Was the Same Drake - September 24th Stupid Drake. He still has that same monotone drawl that lulls you to sleep, and that same boring, lazy flow that makes him perfect in every generic white girl’s sex playlist on Spotify, nestled in between The Weeknd and “Burn” by Usher. The evolution of Drake has been commercial rather than musical, because in the end he is still exactly what he was when Best I Ever Had dropped in 2009: a soft, shitty, whiny fuckboy. Between the overrated, overstated, and wholly underwhelming cryfest that is Take Care and the absolute trainwreck that is “Started From the Bottom” (a song so soft that white bread suburban teenagers sipping bottles of Moet poolside while the maids clean the house took to it like ducks to water) the odds that we end up with anything more than Charmin Ultra Soft disc’s worth of music is merely wishful thinking. The album covers don’t bode well for this thing not sucking. That shit looks like what you’d get if you told someone to make a Drake album cover specifically designed to make fun of the other Drake album covers. He took the Nas/Biggie/Weezy route of the baby picture and then, in classic Drake fashion, made it the absolute softest and most uncool shit humanly possible, but 17-year old white girls will be all “Oh my god he’s so sensitive, this is what all hip-hop should be” while they finger themselves to pictures of Matthew McCconaughey, watch Gilmore Girls, and search Pinterest to design their dream wedding. Drake has officially earned the crown of the lamest rapper on the planet.
Prediction: Certified Double Platinum
This Is...Icona Pop Icona Pop - September 24th Man, “I Love It” was a fun song for like ten minutes, wasn’t it? It started getting serious play after being featured on episodes of both Snooki & JWoww and Girls, which is as bad of an omen as there is. It was catchy and fun and easy, it was basically the perfect piece of pop music. Then you heard it another fifty times, and after a while a chorus of sorority girls screaming “I DON’T CARE, I LOVE IT!” and hounding you to change the song for three hours haunts your dreams and you wake up in a cold sweat, longing for the days where you could just say “sorry we don’t have the CD burned for it yet.” This is a song whose single release, in various formats, has produced no less than 21 different remixes. 21. Talk about sucking the fat teat of fame dry. Anyway, Icona Pop is perfectly harmless as a synthpop duo, which is exactly why we’re not anticipating this album’s release. They say they’re trying new things and that it “Won’t be an album of 16 songs like ‘I Love It’,” which is exactly where they are messing up. True, they caught lightning in a bottle, and true Charli XCX (who was the reason “I Love It” was as successful as it was) is not a permanent member of the band, but if you can make quality, catchy pop music, stick to it. In the end they can either end up as a generic one-hit wonder that more or less encapsulated the spring of 2013, try something new and probably fail, or they stick to their strategy make another successful, catchy pop song. They don’t seem to want to do the last one, so this album will be the beginning of perpetual dissatisfaction for the entirety of the life of this band.
Prediction: Silver Record
Untitled Fourth Studio Album
Arcade Fire - Oct. 29th There is no more boring yet more universally praised album in 2010 than The Suburbs. “But it won a Grammy!” you say as we laugh in your face because using a Grammy as a measuring stick for the merit of a piece of music is like using the 30-inch rims on a guy’s Escalade as a measurement for his dick size. Remember, LMFAO has two Grammy nominations. Cut it out. Now, there are plenty of reasons one should be anticipating this album. LCD Soundsystem’s James Murphy has been in the studio with Arcade Fire, recording them in his DFA studio! Funeral was really good! Win Butler does cool things with his hair! Wrong, oh so wrong. Pouring hype into this album will just leave you utterly disappointed when you hear 22 songs that sound like “We Used to Wait,” causing you to give up all hope in what you used to call indie music. Before you know it you’ll start listening to Lady Gaga religiously. Arcade Fire is the go-to “real” band for faux hipster girls who like to wear Indian headdresses and roll at MGMT concerts. It takes a lot to make Wayne Coyne think you’re an asshole, and these guys found a way. Enjoy what will surely be a universallypanned yet ultimately completely mediocre piece of profitable “indie” rock while you pretend you know who Brian Eno is. This album is going to eat a dick.
Prediction: Certified Platinum
Bartender of the Week Brett of GROTTO When did you start bartending at Grotto?: August 2010, almost 4 years ago.
Craziest thing you’ve seen working?: On Easter, a man rolled up in a pink hearse and left a business card that said “Oxy Cottontail.”
What are the busiest nights?: Tuesday nights and Saturdays (Fraturdays).
If you could have a beer with anyone, who would it be?: Charlie Manuel.
What’s the best drink on the menu?: Orange Crush
If you had your own bar, what would its name be?: The Lodge.
Do you manscape?: Yes.
Who is your mancrush?: Bob Baker, the manager at Kate’s.
Shifts: Sunday and Monday nights
Boxers, briefs, or thong?: Briefs.
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FRESHMEAT: Things to look out for as a freshmen
Plus Trivia At 8PM
THURSDAY NIGHTS Starting at 8pm
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By: Mike Cox Gone are the days when some high school bully will shove you in a trash can, steal your lunch money, or give you a mouth full of piss from a swirly. Now you’re in college and some jackoff with one of those wallets with a chain on them won’t bother you anymore. However, the same cannot be said about the Greeks, hobos, or the Santa-looking guy on Choate Street. Freshmen, you have entered a jungle; this jungle is big and ooga booga-type scary. You are prey in the eyes of lions, hyenas and ravaging hawks that take the form of pointy-nosed English professors. You are fresh meat, you have so much to learn and so little time to learn it before you’re eaten alive. But don’t worry, The Black Sheep’s here to keep your head on a swivel. Rushing a fraternity or sorority is a very exciting time for some youngsters looking to join the Greeks, but be careful, it is literally a rush (and no one is actually Greek). Why rush into things? Just because these dudes are giving you free pizza and chicks are giving you candy and telling you your hair looks nice, it means so little in the grand scope of things. Rushing into a fraternity or sorority is like jumping into a big shallow pool. At first, it looks amazing. Then you jump in and smack your face on the concrete because it is just that, shallow. If you do Greek life, be a part of the 20% that is active and fun. Make friends, and be happy to pay the arm and leg they charge you to hang out. Fresh meat is everyone’s for the taking. Try to be reserved with your body and not give it up so easily. Imagine your body is a watering hole — the watering holes that invite all of the animal kingdom are the muddiest. Protect your watering holes with things like dignity, and condoms. Now on to finances. So you saved up $800 from your summer job; just go blow it all the first week
why dontcha? BECAUSE IT’S STUPID and you’ll be a scoundrel and a real hole in your parents’ pockets. If your parents have deep pockets and you have never had a job in your life, then we’re going to assume you were breastfed until you were 16. Seriously, if you can control your spending, then you can avoid having to blow people for dining hall guest passes half way into the semester. Picking a major is a big thing so if you are not 100% certain, go undecided. When you’re undecided you can take all sorts of cool classes. You can even explore the different programs the university offers. Personally, I started off as a Forensic Massage Therapy major, but then quickly realized Pediatric Proctology is the major for me. Hey you never know, one day I might be into something totally different. You honestly have no clue what you will be doing for your entire life. Some think they do people do, but they don’t. Got it, punk? Gaining weight is increasing in popularity amongst students. Lions love that shit, they want you to pack on some fat so they have more cushion for the… eating. A lot of it comes from drinking alcohol. And you might be one of those enthusiastic people who’s like “Yo, I’m gonna run everyday and stay fit!” News flash, alcohol will take that motivation and flush it right down the toilet, along with your puke from drinking too much. Is that DP Dough in your puke? Of course it’s DP Dough in your puke. Time to straighten up and thin out freshman, you have your mid 50s to be fat. The rest you have to learn on your own. Hopefully you’ll think twice before making a decision that will damage your GPA, your watering hole, that ridiculous wallet keychain thing and that “I’m a freshman!” billboard of a lanyard around your neck. Good luck!
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madlib
Meeting Your roommate’s parents
Well we tried to be responsible, but like most things at
___1___, drinking just sort of happened. We were only going to have a glass of ___2___ (on the rocks, of course), sit on the porch and listen to ___3___ and chat about ___4___’s weight gain, because GROSS.
and throw a party. Only ___13___ showed up, but that second keg was necessary. Hobo ___14___ showed up and he brought ___15___ for us. Tom from ___16___ came by and even did a ___17___-second keg stand! I got my ass kicked in ___18___ by ___19___, who ended up passing out on our couch.
But then we saw ___5___ walk by with a ___6___ in her hand, and she decided to sit down with us and have a drink. When we started to get tipsy, my roommate went inside to get ___7___ to sober us up… but came out with her ___8___ shot glasses she smuggled from ___9___ on her “___10___” study abroad trip and a bottle of ___11___ vodka.
Overall it was a very successful night, but when my roommate’s parents showed up, she wasn’t even here. Luckily they were chill with eating cold leftover pizza and sipping on last night’s leftover keg. Mr. ___20___ can sure put them back! When my roommate came back she reeked of ___21___ and looked like ___22___’s little sister. They then all left and went to the bar. Then ___23___ got it on in the kitchen! Such a ___24___ After that was killed, the next natural step was to get a keg of ___12___ time! 1: Your university 2: Liquor 3: 90s pop star 4: Recent celebrity 5: Wacky friend 6: Malt liquor 7: Type of lunch meat
8: Body part 9: Sketchy country 10: Overused synonym for good 11: Exotic fruit 12: Shitty beer 13: The current time
14: Average dude’s name 15: Drug 16: Local pizza place 17: Your birthday 18: Drinking game 19: Local athletic celebrity
September 2013 All Day Monday
Newark, DE
During All Football Games
45 East Main St
20: Your roommate’s last name 21: Men’s cologne 22: Trashy celebrity 23: Same as #19 24: Same as #10
Newark, DE
(302) 224-9330
www.kildarespub.com