Volume 7
The Black Sheep
FRO FREE! M T LIKE HE ICE CATCH BUC ING KET A C CHA OLD LLE NGE .
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
Issue 1
2018 Largest Class of Students Who Didn’t Get Into Their Dream School Shannon Poulsen Wrote This Delaware’s incoming freshmen will be the largest class of students who didn’t get into their dream school in the university’s history, according to a recent admissions report. A distinction once held by the class of 2017, the new student body is expected to be half as enthused about their homecoming as the class of 2016.
cess as a student, but receiving bids from only shitty schools doesn’t make a girl feel good. So yeah, that’s how I ended up here. I have self-confidence issues.”
“Yeah I’m excited to move into Rodney,” said incoming freshman Tyler Gates. “But excited in the way that shopping with your dad is exciting. You don’t necessarily want to go, but you know you’ll get something you need. Like socks. Moving to Delaware is like buying a pair of socks.”
“’Butler,’ ’Harvard,’ ‘Columbia,’ ‘Somewhere Far Far Away That’s Not In Delaware Please’ -- we have a wide range of listed dream schools from our survey. The sad thing is, these students aren’t getting accepted,” said admissions officer Brianna Moore. “They don’t have a college home, and it breaks my heart. So, we stretched our resources a little bit and spread our bluefeathered arms to accept more and more students!”
According to a survey students took when finalizing their applications last fall, this class also shows remarkable ability in giving up their aspirations and realizing that sometimes, you just have to settle.
The stretched resources do not appear to be a concern for President Patrick Harker and his administration, who celebrated the record class size by promptly welcoming the students.
“If you told me in the fall that I’d get accepted to UD, I wouldn’t have been surprised. But if you told me I’d be going here? Well, I would have gone out in my yard and buried my box of childhood dreams” said incoming freshman Alyssa Reese. “Oh, this dirt? It’s nothing. No dirt. Just, uh, working on my garden or something.”
“Here at UD we accept everyone mostly, and this large, diverse class proves it. We welcome a range of characters. And intelligence. Smart money. East coast classic. And the last one. Thank you, go class of 2018,” said Harker.
Students from around the tri-state area applied to an average of ten schools and received admittance into an average of six. “UD is so much greater than JMU, but it’s not better than UPenn, ya feel?” responded incoming freshman Rose Cralor. “I applied to mostly easy schools to validate my suc-
The large class size is reportedly affecting housing and has created a new living style. “Because of the overwhelming demand for the University of Delaware’s internationally-renowned education, select students in our Honors Program will be put in an ‘enhanced living’ room with two other freshmen,” said Kathleen Kerr, Executive Director of Residence Life and Housing. “This
unique program will foster rapid community development and peer-to-peer mentorship. In fact, we like the program so much we’ve decided to include half of the 600 Honors students in it!”
“I thought we ran out of housing and had to stick a bunch of kids in triples,” said Senior Associate Director Jim Tweedy. “Holy shit Jim, I told you to shut up.”
For the students themselves, the next four years remain wide-open with possibility. “Maybe I’ll transfer, who knows,” said Cralor. “But probably most likely I’ll get lazy and stay here.”
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PAGES 10-11
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PROFESSORS PUMPED FOR ANOTHER YEAR OF LEFTIST INDOCTRINATION
WHAT SIX COLLEGE MOVIES GET RIGHT (AND OH-SO WRONG)
INCOMPETENT ELDERLY LANDLORD SAVED BY AW-SHUCKS CHARM
IT’S ALL ABOUT TAKING IN INFORMATION WITH A GRAIN OF SALT.
VAN WILDER, EAT YOUR HEART OUT.
YOU MIGHT BE MAD, BUT YOU HAVE TO RESPECT YOUR ADORABLE ELDERS.
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WORD of the WEEK
GOURMEH A recipe prepared using only non-perishable products.
Karen’s ramen-and-Kraft Single mac n’ cheese gourmeh meal sated her drunk munchies, but made her regret her decisions the next morning.
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1
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Lives in McIntyre, Georgia.
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Professors Pumped For Another Year of Leftist Indoctrination Daniel McGinley wrote this Eagerly anticipating the chance to mold a new generation of students into mindless Leftist soldiers, Maoist college professors across the country say they are ready for another year of indoctrination, sources confirm. “It’s important to be strong and firm right off the bat,” said University of Delaware professor Mark Winston. “I always take the first class as an opportunity to make it very, very clear to my students that God is dead and if they think otherwise, they will never pass Income Tax Accounting.” Studies show that while students enter college with naïve and often amusing beliefs in religion, liberty, and the existence of Ronald Reagan, educators like Wanda Farkes are successful in disabusing them of such thoughts. “Sometimes students come in thinking that America has done any good in this world,” said the tenured English professor. “My final exam consists entirely of having every student burn an American flag. I’ve never had to fail a student.” According to reports, institutes of higher education employ a variety of tactics to impose their will on the gentle souls that walk onto their campuses. For Ramon Salazar, philosophy professor and community organizer, this means reaching them outside the classroom as well.
“The kids always respond positively to the big 9/11 party I throw at my house that I share with my transgender, illegal immigrant roommates,” he said. “At the end we play Pictionary, but the only answer is ‘Chickens Coming Home to Roost.’ Everyone is a winner! That’s because in the perfect Marxist society, it is illegal for people to be different in any way.” Salazar confirmed that the efforts of college professors reap tangible benefits. “Past students still write me sometimes. One sent me a copy of the Communist Manifesto inscribed with ‘I made my lesbian wife get an abortion the other day. Thanks for all you’ve taught me.’” Salazar wiped a tear away and continued, “It’s moments like these that remind me why I got into indoctrinating.” Sources indicate that not all educators use such velvetgloved approaches. For professors like Winston, the tougher, the better. “If a student uses the word ‘exceptional,’ it’s an F. If a student uses the words ‘good’ and ‘America’ in the same paper, it’s an F. If a student is white, it’s an F,” Winston explained. “Every year I have only one goal: to make a cis white male kill himself.” Differences in indoctrination methods have been a bone of contention among the Leftist vanguard in
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recent years, new reports say. One recent example has been a change to the famous ‘Evolution of Man’ diagram, making it now culminate in notable pinko and liberal messiah Barack Obama. “It used to be Marx at the end, but you’ve got to keep up with the students, you know?” said Farkes. “Don’t want to seem like an old fart. Because we teach that old people are all useless racists who deserve to be executed en masse.”
Salazar remembers another division “about eight or nine” years ago. “There was talk that we were going to replace all of our courses with Womyn’s Studies classes,” he said. “I’m not sure why we didn’t do it, actually. I’ll have to bring it up at the annual Saul Alinsky Memorial Professors Conference. It’s in North Korea this year! “Of course, it’s always in North Korea.”
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ON THE STREETS What’s the most college thing you’ve done since being back on campus?
Kevin, Senior
“Played Frisbee on the green with a frappucino in hand.”
Eli, Senior
“Got free dinner every single night from organizations I’m not a part of.”
Ryan, Senior
“Got free drinks at the bar.”
06
THE TOP TEN Things That Happened While You Were Away Did you know that Newark continues through time and space while you’re home for the summer? Here’s a quick summary of all the things that happened while you bummed away at your old minimum-wage job from high school. 10.) The gym got rid of their sleeve rule: The reason for the most hated rule at UD was never clear. Was it for sanitary reasons? Armpit sweat IS more deadly than face sweat, we read somewhere. Who knows, it’s gone; let those pits fly free! 9.) The power plant was cancelled: Sure, this was during the end of last year, but some people missed the memo. UD decided it didn’t want the data center anymore, so it indirectly decided against the power plant. Sweet, sweet incidental victory! 8.) Little-to-no line at NDB: We got a bagel. Quickly. We didn’t have to call in early. Pure bliss was a fiveminute wait away. 7.) Tour guides are now required to wear polos when giving tours: As if it were hard to spot a tour, UD Admissions declared that it wants “uniformity” and quietly asked for all the guides’ shirt sizes. Now, it’ll be so much easier to spot who to blame for the clogged sidewalk. 6.) Insomnia Cookies are COMING: The almost-24/7 cookie store is settling in where the old Newark Newsstand used to be. Hopefully you pass it on the way to the gym so you can prove to yourself just how dedicated you really are to your new fit lifestyle. 5.) More homeless musicians moved into town: There was always that one guy in front of the post office. Now there’s a group of younger teens in the park across from where IHOP used to be (RIP). Our editor said it may just be a band of hipsters, but the cup asking for money -- and not donations -- indicates otherwise. 4.) An undergraduate research symposium happened: The largest gathering of the school’s overachievers worked with the Summer Scholars program and presented their findings in one mecca-nerd fest. Topics ranged from ways to detect anorexia from one’s phone to how to turn poop into bio-degradable plastic. Now is a good time to doubt the cleanliness of your plastic silverware, dorm-dwellers. 3.) Mystery construction: Something large is happening outside Purnell in the “Colonnade.” Our theory is that one part of campus must always be under construction, and Purnell, with lots of classes, will inconvenience the most students while showing that UD is expanding and improving.
COME SEE WHAT ALL THE
FUN IS ABOUT
2.) UD admitted the largest student class ever: Ever loved freshmen so much you wanted even MORE of them? Your wish was granted as 4,000+ new students are expected in the fall. And remember seniors, they may be legal, but they’re still three years younger than you. Jesus, it’s like sleeping with your baby sister. 1.) A relatively quiet reveal of a complete and total pervert: A graduate student was found recording and taking pictures of females in UD bathrooms for the past two years. He hid the cameras in tampon disposals, proving once and for all that no -- no one ever does clean out those boxes. UD masterfully released this information in its signature clean-up-after-the-scandal, one-UDaily-article, and one-comment-fromHarker tone: quietly. Shannon Poulsen wrote this
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$2 Single You Call Its, $10 Cover Charge Free Admission w/ UD I.D.
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Happy Hour 3-7PM $1 Off all Drinks/ $3 & $5 Food Specials Cards Against Humanity Night: 7- Close $2 Draft Beers, $5 Infusion Drinks, $3 Fireball Shots; $3 & $5 Food Specials
1/2 Price Nachos and Quesadillas All Day, $1.50 Tacos, $3 Corona and Corona Light, $3 Margaritas, $2.50 Taylor’s Grog Draft
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He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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THURSDAY
Newark’s Best Happy Hour! $2 Drafts & 1/2 Price Appetizers (6pm-8pm) $3 Bartender’s Choice, $3 Flavored Pinnacle Drinks, $4 Fireball DJ Dance Party (10pm)
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MONDAY
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FRIDAY
X I S AT
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GET RIG
HT (AND O
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College movies all follow the same vague thread: An underdog student or group of students face odds impossible to overcome until the third act hits and everything gets figured out and tied up in one nice, happy bow. Still, all these college movies get certain things right and certain things wrong about the college experience. This week, The Black Sheep looks at six of these college flicks to see where they shine, and where they’re shit. By: Brendan
RONG)
COLLEGE MOVIE RIGHT & WRONGS
NATIONAL LAMPOON’S VAN WILDER The Basic Premise: Lothario party boy’s dad stops paying for college, so he has to sell his party skills to pay the party bills.
GOOD WILL HUNTING The Basic Premise: A brilliant janitor at MIT faces a series of difficult life decisions after his brilliance is unearthed.
What it Gets Right: Staying in college forever is both awesome and terrible. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of something you love, like that case of trashy beer you clutch oh-so-tightly on a Friday night. And why not? A relatively carefree lifestyle intermingled with bouts of binge drinking is something that’s easy for most early 20-somethings to process. By year six, though, when that love of of party life has transformed into unwavering ennui and a sense that alcoholism is right around the corner, you gotta get out.
What it Gets Right: You’ll question your previous, postcollege friendships. Sure, you had some great times— you’ll never forget the time Brett threw a pizza on the roof—but edging into your mind is the inevitable, “Am I still similar enough to these people to consider them friends?” Inevitably, some of the people you hung out with when you were a senior in high school will not be the same people you’re texting every day when you’re a senior in college.
What it Gets Wrong: Oh, just every college party trope. A good college party is lucky to have more than a couple of kegs. A college costume party is lucky to have a guy who spent 15 minutes drawing stigmata on his hands, sombrero on hands as Hey-zoos, the Mexican Jesus. A college party with a tiki theme hosted in a gorgeous Malibu mansion has only happened in the wet dreams of hundreds of 15-year-old boys.
What it Gets Wrong: Professors won’t find you interesting, at all. We get it, you got a 29 on your ACT— that’s pretty good! What you don’t get, though, is…so did everyone else you’re sitting next to. Your take on Hemingway’s “Cat in the Rain” is the same take as four other students’. It’s the same as six students’ last year. And the year before. Hey, it was a nice try at being profound, but Professor Jefferson is going to have a TA grade it, she doesn’t have time for this shit.
LEGALLY BLONDE
OLD SCHOOL
The Basic Premise: UCLA grad Elle Woods chases her ex-boyfriend into Harvard Law, hoping to win back his heart.
The Basic Premise: Old guys tired of old-guy life start a new fraternity at a local university.
What it Gets Right: College is one of the last opportunities you’ll have to really follow your dream—fuck the haters. They thought Elle Woods couldn’t succeed in law school, but she got into Harvard and proved them wrong. They didn’t think pink would work, then it did. You—you’re not yet besieged by a crippling mortgage or two snot-nosed twerps, so take these four years to do you. Whether it’s weird facial piercings or the even weirder decision to double major in English and philosophy, make your own decisions, regardless of what others think.
What it Gets Right: Age does beget wisdom, even when it comes to partying. We hope even the most naïve freshman knows that inhaling a fifth of Smirnoff is some bad juju, but a college senior has more than that trick up his sleeve. Whether it’s knowing the last place in town that’ll sell whiskey on Saturday to the best way to clean a beer bong in under 2 minutes, hey, you’ll pick up thing or two long the way.
What it Gets Wrong: Still, no one trusts you with any actual responsibility. Would you, Mr. “I-Got-UpAt-2p.m.-Hey-At Least-It’s-Not-4p.m.”? For some reason Elle, a first-year law student, was allowed to participate in a real-life murder trial. Hah, so not college. Any job you’ll have in college will be menial at best and embarrassing at worst—you’ll have an ill-fitting uniform, just learn to deal with it.
What it Gets Wrong: If you’re partying with 30-somethings, they’re probably undercover cops. You know how when you party with someone notably older than yourself, it feels weird and creepy? Well, when you party with someone notably younger than yourself, it also feels weird and creepy. 30-yearolds are as afraid of you as you are of them—don’t hang out with one another.
REVENGE OF THE NERDS The Basic Premise: There’s a frat full of nerds and a frat full of jocks. Then, they clash. What it Gets Right: Nerds rule the world. So, turns out if you’re moderately bright and really passionate about something to the point you’re willing to commit your life to it, then you can assume a lot of power and make a lot of money doing that very thing. If that thing is outsmarting jocks, you can even make a cult comedy about it. What it Gets Wrong: Just because you’re handsome and athletic doesn’t mean you’re an idiot. Even Mark Zuckerberg, King Nerd, isn’t a totally heinous dweeb. Barack Obama is smarter than most of us and is a serious law nerd, and most women in his age bracket would admit that he’s better-looking than their out-of-shape schlubby-looking husbands. Brains and brawn aren’t mutually exclusive, regardless of what the media would like you to believe.
ACCEPTED The Basic Premise: A mischievous high schooler who fails to get into any of the colleges he’s applied to creates his own university where everyone is…wait for it…Accepted. What it Gets Right: You’ll inevitably make friends in college. Among the tens of thousands of other students on this campus are a select few with whom you share very specific interests. Enjoy butt-chugging vodka on a Tuesday night? You’ll find someone who enjoys the same. Introverted neo-futurist LARP-er? Hey, there’s a group that meets specifically for that twice a month! In college you have to actively try not to make friends; if you put yourself out there someone will turn up just as bizarre as you are. What it Gets Wrong: Just because you’re making friends doesn’t mean you’ll get the hot girl. Sadly, cliques still exist in college, and it’s not as different from high school as you might want to pretend. Look at your peer group—these are the people you’ll date. If it’s full of uggos, get ready to be sleeping with lots of uggos.
BARTENDERS of the WEEK Major: Melina: Special Ed Nikki: International Business and Management Favorite Drink: Melina: Coors Lights bottles Nikki: Margarita Favorite Shot: Melina: Jameson Nikki: Jim Beam Honey What song are you most excited to hear 1000 times the first month of school: Nikki: My Heart Will Go On - Celine Dion Give us a bit of UD-specific advice for incoming freshmen: Nikki:“If you don’t want to look like a freshmen, don’t walk with 20 of your floormates.”
MELINA & NIKKI of GROTTO THE DRINKING GAME CENTURIONS OF FLOOR 9 We all remember that awkward first floor meeting freshman year – the one where your RA tells you not to drink and all that nonsense and has you play those ridiculous ice breaker games. Remember how useful those ice breakers were? Yeah, neither do we. You know why they didn’t work? Because they didn’t involve playing the name game while taking a shot of beer every minute. What You’ll Need: A couple 30-racks of beer, tall glasses, shot glasses, a round table, a very open personality. Number of Players: 6+, or as many as your amount of beer allows. The less you know the people around you the better. Level of Intoxication: “Wait… how did we not hang out in high school? Oh my god, I totally thought you were too popular to talk to someone like me…” How to Play: As the game’s namesake foretells, this is a game of Centurion. The objective of the base game is to take a shot of beer every minute for 100 minutes. In addition to see who has the most alcoholic endurance, this iteration of the game also acts
as a long-term ice breaker exercise. Every 10 shots, the sub-game or topic question will change. The goal is to realize how easy it is to get to know people while drinking… as well as how to regret it come the next morning. Shots 1-10: The Name Game: Starting you off easy here. “That’s Sarah and she likes salmon. That’s Andrew and he likes apples.” That sort of thing. Shots 11-20: Speed Friending: After every two shots during this segment, switch conversation partners with each other. Shots 21-30: Telephone: As things get a little hazy, play an ongoing game of childhood telephone. If the chain is broken, everyone must take an extra shot. Shots 31-40: Trust Falls: Just like in camp, find out which of your friends would somehow catch you if you fell backwards off of a cliff. Please do this one on the carpet. Shots 41-50: The Name Game II: Electric Boogaloo: Did you forget those names and their corresponding likes? Give out an extra shot to those who screw up the chain. Shots 51-60: Two Truths and a Lie:
Who is your mortal enemy, and what malicious rumor would you like us to spread about them: Nikki: Voldemort, and that he got a really bad nosejob. If you were Spider President for a day, what kind of tarantu-laws would you enact: Melina: Spiders are not allowed to eat butterflies. Nikki: Everyone has to watch Game of Thrones and tip their bartenders. Why should people read The Black Sheep: Melina: It’s good for a laugh - I like when people laugh. Nikki: Because of the wit, and how else would you keep up on your tarantu-laws?
RECIPE FOR DISASTER BACK-TO-SCHOOL BREAKFAST BAGELS
Since you’ve reached the point of drunken gullibility by now, this one should seriously screw some people up. Shots 61-70: Charades: Team up with a buddy and see how well your friends can act out words with impaired motor capabilities. Shots 71-80: Would You Rather…?: No matter which horrific, painstakingly difficult to image scenario you pick, everyone is sure to fall off their chair laughing. Shots 81-90: True or Dare: Consider this the most scandalous ice breaker ever conceived. This late in the game, you can bet your ass that both dares and truths are going to be dark as all hell. Shots 91-100: Secret Handshakes: You did it! If you’re still hanging on by this point, devise one secret handshake with a buddy. You’ll need all 10 minutes to get it down. The Game Ends When: The 100 minutes is up and you had the pleasure of meeting new people or seeing your friends in an enlightening new light. Or if two once-strangers start making out in front of everyone.
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What is like, so 2012: Melina: High-waisted shorts
What would you trade for two more weeks of summer: Melina: Two weeks of work. Nikki: Autographed picture of Mario Lopez
Weeeell here we are again, kiddos, the beginning of a brand spanking new semester. For you uninitiated freshies out there, welcome to Recipe for Disaster, a series of weekly college food recipes even a blacked out Gordon Ramsay wouldn’t dare concoct. Since a lot of you first-timers didn’t know better to opt out of 8 a.m. gen-eds, most of you are going to have to learn to become morning people… and fast. The best part about this morning meal is that it won’t cost you (but probably your parents) a dime, since all of the ingredients can be found at your local dining hall. Upperclassmen can join in on the fun, but the expense of buying all of these items separately will probably drive you straight back to your classic “two pieces of bread with a dab of cooking oil in between” breakfast combo. What You’ll Need: 6-pack of bagels (if you settle for plain, drop from this university immediately), packets of cream cheese (again, plain = “get the f*ck out”), bacon, eggs, sausage patties, assorted jam packets, hash browns, and literally anything else you can sneak out of the dining hall. Fatty Factor: There’s a “freshmen 15” joke in here somewhere. Let’s Get Baked: - Garb yourself in tracksuit-like attire/large overcoat with deep pockets and use your first meal credit to
enter the dining hall. - Nonchalantly stash away the aforementioned ingredients wherever you can stuff them. Only experienced stashers should use anatomical cavities. - Sneak past the card swiper and head back to your dorm room (we guarantee that the swiper will not care.) - Layout a bagel and a half as if you would a tripledecker sandwich. Toasting is optional, but certainly recommended for those who aren’t certifiably insane. - Begin adding desired stolen spreads. Remember, you’re in college now, meaning that no one is around to tell you what’s weird and what’s not. Daddy says mixing cream cheese and jelly was weird. The Black Sheep says to douse that shit. - Build your breakfast sandwich with your proteins, eggs, and starches. - Use one of the thousands of Ziploc baggies your nervous-wreck-of-a-mother supplied you with for easy transportation. - Realize you’re already 5 minutes late for your first lecture, say “to hell with it” and enjoy your sandwich while kicking back to Netflix. There’s no reason why this feat can’t be more easily accomplished within the confines of the dining hall. But then again, that means you’d have to talk to people… and NO ONE wants to talk in the dining hall.
NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM
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Local Girl Takes Summer Vacation to Exotic Out-of-State Grocery Store Tia Hill Wrote This Amidst tales of luxury cruises, Instagrams of sexy nightclubs, and trips to foreign beaches, University of Delaware sophomore Annie Mulkins returned to school this fall eager to share stories of her family’s vacation to an exotic out-ofstate grocery. “It’s just such a breath of fresh air to not go to our regular grocery store. Going to Maryland to buy laundry detergent was a vacation that not only helped us grow as a family, but also let us learn a lot about other cultures and produce aisles,” explained Mulkins’ father. According to Mulkins, her family’s grueling travel from their home in New Jersey lasted two hours through light-tomoderate traffic before they finally pulled into a coveted front row parking spot of a suburban Maryland Safeway. “Everything just felt so new and different the moment I stepped into that grocery store, or should I say…market, as these
people call it,” Mulkins explained, describing the national grocery chain of Safeway supermarket stores. Mulkins described the trip as “truly inspiring and eye opening” after getting the opportunity to speak with a native she met outside of the store. In the video Mulkins recorded of that encounter, the resident can be heard saying, “Ma’am, I don’t have a Southern accent. We are in the suburbs of Maryland. I’ve never said y’all in my life,” as Mulkins prods the young man to tell her where the nearest farm is.
pleased to try the traditional Southern meal of shrimp and grits, which Mulkins compared to “those little beady things you find in a new box of shoes”. “People kept boasting about how they have a lot of crabs in Maryland, and I kept telling them that’s something that should be kept between the doctor and the patient. But I guess that’s just what Southern hospitality is all about…” said Mulkins.
“It was really eye opening to be down there in the Deep South,” explained Mulkins, whose family has never been further south than the state of Maryland. “There’s so much history, turmoil, and bacon grease down there below the Mason-Dixon line.”
“Everything just felt so new and different the moment I stepped into that grocery store, or should I say… market.”
Mulkins says her family was “pleasantly surprised but slightly disappointed” that there wasn’t a Kentucky Fried Chicken aisle in the grocery store. They were equally
Remarking she was surprised a whole section of the country “which is basically in the middle of bumblefuck nowhere” could possibly have cell phone towers or
Wi-Fi connections in their grocery stores, Mulkins did her best to contribute to local charities as well. “This poor little girl was trying to sell us Girl Scout Cookies, which I’m sure had been deep fried before they packaged them,” remarked Mulkins. “Of course I bought some though, because everyone knows all money donated to charity organizations in the South goes to the abolition of segregation, or whatever, right?”
Mulkins’ favorite part of her vacation was her cavalier attempt to keep an eye out for “that Jim Crow guy they kept mentioning in our history books,” during her family’s stay in a Maryland suburb known specifically for its racially diverse residents and low crime rate. Mulkins said her trip turned out to be everything she had hoped for. “I may have slept through the first part of Gone With The Wind, but once I woke up, I knew I just had to take a vacation down South.”
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Incompetent Elderly Landlord Saved By Aw-Shucks Charm Daniel McGinley Wrote This
SEVERAL CHILDREN’S LIVES PEAK AS LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES COMES TO A CLOSE Following the conclusion of the 2014 Little League World Series, sources close to the athletes involved say that for many of the 11 to 13 year olds, their lives have already reached their highest point.
Despite showing a complete inability to perform even the most basic upkeep tasks, reports indicate that Newark-area landlord Bob Cunningham continues to avoid repercussions thanks to his old-timey sensibility and aw-shucks charm. Cunningham, 82, owns several properties in locations such as Delaware Circle and South Chapel Street. “He asked us not to put any of our cars in the driveway so he could put down new gravel, but he didn’t get around to it for two weeks. Then he just dumped a bag of it in one spot,” said junior Rebecca Greene. “At first I was so mad, but when I went up to him to complain and saw him staring wondrously at an iPhone screen all the hate melted away.” Sources say that while Cunningham has allowed serious plumbing and structural issues to go unresolved for months at a time, his nearly childlike inability to comprehend seemingly simple facets of the world around him disarms and enchants his tenants. “The water was off for three days because he forgot to send the check to the city, but then he told me I reminded him of his son and next thing
“Oh for sure, this was my son Cole’s moment in the sun,” said Tracy Hammond. “He reached puberty before the other kids, which helped with this, but soon they’ll all catch up. And Cole’s no brainiac.” Although studies have shown that some of these ballplayers grow up to achieve bigger and better things, the vast majority of them have nowhere to go but down after being put on such a prominent international stage. Tré Barnes agreed, stating, “Look, it’s not like I’m going to flame out or anything, but even a comfortable full-time job falls well short of what I’ve experienced these past few weeks. I’m not going to be president, and that’s fine. Now I just have to steel myself for decades of sub-prime living.” I know, I’m buying us milkshakes,” recalled senior Jeremiah Favuzza. “I’m not actually sure what happened.” Newark Police Chief Dante Coleman shared a “funny, classic Cunningham” story from a few years back. “I was on patrol when I passed by Bob, some blood around his ankles for some reason, standing near a tree line burying something. ‘Hey Bob, what are you up to now?’ And he finished patting down a mound of dirt with his shovel and says ‘Well, what does it look like?’ and we start laughing and laughing and…. Huh. For some reason, that seemed to make more sense at the time. Because now it kind of sounds like, um…
“We went to the title game and were featured on international television multiple times,” says Japanese national team member Ren Suzuki. “Where can you go from there? For me, it was back to school, which will be followed by college, after which I will take a job at the company where my father works, and where I will labor away until I die and my son replaces me in turn.” “I got Cole some ice cream on the way back from Williamsport,” said Hammond. “Hopefully it will cool any expectations he might have for future grandeur and be yummy, too.”
“Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, oh shit,” Coleman said. Daniel McGinley Wrote This
Overeager Freshman Moves In With Only Ten Shot Glasses Tia Hill Wrote This
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While many college freshmen look forward to the availability of alcohol on college campuses, incoming University of Delaware freshman Trevor Islington has taken his excitement to a whole new level. Claiming it was all he would need, Islington moved into his freshman dorm with nothing but ten shot glasses. In what can only be described as the power move to end all power moves, Islington blatantly refused to pack anything for college besides the ten shot glasses he bought for fifteen dollars two nights before he was scheduled to leave for school. “I’m the type of guy who likes to be prepared for whatever life throws at you,” said Islington, who remarked that he is glad that he went with the ten shot glasses rather than the ten-gallon jug of margarita mix he had been eyeing all summer. “And in this case, I’m assuming that life will be throwing shot after shot of vodka in my direction.” Islington, who has yet to declare a major says he knows little about the school, the dorm, or how to live on his own other than the fact that alcohol would be heavily involved at some point. “I figured it wouldn’t matter if all I brought were shot glasses because this semester I’m majoring in Getting Hella Turnt with a minor in Kicking Ass,” said Islington while making a “rock on” sign with his hands. In the background, faint booing could be heard from the next room. Islington not only chose to bring an excess of shot glasses, he also chose not to bring any essential living items whatsoever. According to Islington, he would be “living on a prayer…and alcohol. Also alcohol.” “Trevor didn’t buy a toothbrush, because he told us all the alcohol he’ll be drinking will be enough to clean the grime off his teeth,” said Islington’s mother, worriedly. “He also told us he’ll be knee-deep in women so we shouldn’t
bother him during the first month.” “I didn’t buy textbooks either, because we all know college is about Thirsty Thursdays, but, like…everyday,” said Islington, who has never had a sip of alcohol, but has had a chance to knowingly arrange his shot glasses in the order that the cashier rung them up and put them in his shopping bag. “I wanted to be prepared and make a good first impression on my roommate and the rest of the bros on the floor,” explained Islington. “So I had to show them that I could handle ten shots of vodka in a row if necessary, but also that I’m not gonna be a show off about it.” A display of all ten shot glasses on his dresser, positioned as the first thing that a visitor would see walking into Islington’s dorm room, was marked with a small sign underneath reading “Trevor’s Ten Manly Shot Glasses”. “I’m super impressed with this little dude’s dedication,” remarked UD senior Brad Chadington, whose major has been “undecided” since he started at Delaware six years ago. “It took me maybe three trips to the hospital with alcohol poisoning, and two more rounds of AlcoholEdu before I started only packing shot glasses to take to college, and started keeping my eyes on the prize.” Islington made it clear that alcohol is not his main technique for making friends or having a good time in college. “It’s not like I need alcohol to have fun,” Islington clarified. “All I need is the approval of others and acceptance into a social group in order to feel good about myself. It’s as simple as that.” After his parents left, Islington reportedly sat on his empty, bare bed for thirty minutes in silence, staring at his shot glasses while wondering why he didn’t bring any alcohol, and considering whether taking shots of chocolate milk would have the same effect.
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Female Students Delighted to Have Another Thing to Worry About on UD Campus Paul Mooney wrote this
Following news of video cameras being hidden in various women’s restrooms around the University of Delaware campus, female students showed an overwhelmingly positive reaction to yet another threat to their privacy and personal security. The cameras, which were installed by a doctoral student, recorded students in public bathrooms for two years until their discovery and removal in July. Many women are “very excited” that this has come to light, according to Lily Campbell, a senior. “The threat of sexual exploitation is rampant on campus, but thanks to this two-year stretch of continuous voyeurism, it exists literally everywhere,” she said. “I was starting to worry they left some spaces uncovered.” Sophomore Sylvia Thompson said, “I was getting nervous about how people thought of me, whether I was viewed as a real person or just an object. Now that a stranger has watched me pee, I can know for sure that I’m only here for other people to look at.” Students all over campus are excited as
to what the discovery of the systematic invasion of privacy means to them and the school community as a whole. “Incidences like this are fun and productive because they get the conversation going,” said junior Sofia Hanson, member of the feminist UD groups SAGE and V-Day. “Back when it was just gender discrimination and sexual harassment, it was the same thing over and over. The meetings were starting to get repetitive. It’s a good thing we have new material to talk about or being a feminist would be so boring.” Susan Farias, a mother of an incoming freshman, told The Black Sheep she “was worried about sending my daughter to the University of Delaware. I had heard about the Title IX lawsuit it is facing for mishandling a sexual assault case, but I now feel safe and reassured knowing that security cameras are everywhere. What other school offers such complete surveillance?” Junior Carolyn Morado said that the female student body, one-fifth of which will be sexually assaulted before graduation, is excited for this new threat to their personal
security. “I know that my body is always in danger, but the way that it is needed some diversification. Like the word ‘rape’ just got really repetitive, you know? Now we have this to bring to the mix,” she added. Males students like Ethan Rubenstein say they are increasingly jealous of stories of the sexual exploitation of women. “Girls always worry about five thousand different things, but at the end of the day, they get to put it all to rest,” Rubenstein told The Black Sheep. “It’s not fair, you know? Like, I want a metaphorical list of daily worries that I can check off. I want that relief of getting home safely after a party, knowing that I survived thousands of life-crushing, crippling fears!” Jane Menendez, a doctoral student who worked in the Delaware Biotechnological Institute where the original camera was discovered, said, “It’s fun and interesting to be part of a new, uncommon form of violating the rights to my own body. I came here to do research and make new discoveries, and now I got to participate in this other unique project while I pooped during my lunch breaks. Dare to be first!”
According to women’s studies professor Carol Cooke, events like these offer valuable opportunities for academics. “A lot of times as a professor, we write about things dealing with underprivileged women that we don’t actually know or experience. Being unwillingly taken advantage of in a bathroom right next to my office has brought ethos to my work that no doctorate degree can offer,” she
said. For Lily Campbell, the university’s response to the scandal was greeted with mixed emotion. “I feel much safer knowing that this routine offense has been brought to a full stop and that an institute of higher education is taking steps to protect its female students,” she reported. “It’s weird. I don’t like it.”