Delaware - Issue 2 - 9/19/2013

The Black Sheep

fle free.. ece .lik fro e a m a nice hou , fa se p ll a rt y.

Vol.5, Issue 2

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

9/19/13 - 10/2/13

i>clicker2:

A revolution in education BY: Shannon Poulsen UD’s campus moved up in the technological world recently with the release of i>Clicker2.

Reviewed as being “one of the best things to hit our company” by Barnes & Noble and Lieberman’s employees alike, the i>Clicker2 stands out as students’ favorite addition to the school year.

The i>Clicker2 features 5 buttons (A-E), a power button, a plastic build, arrow keys, and a totally worth it inchlong screen. It differs greatly from the original i>Clicker, which features only 5 buttons (A-E), a power button, a plastic build, and nothing else.

The innovative technology in the i>Clicker2 is the screen. Words can now be used to input answers.

While originally proposed as an option for the original i>Clicker, the technology took longer than anticipated to create due to the fact that inputting letters one by one takes “a long fucking time.”

“The newest i>Clicker advances knowledge beyond the first letters of the alphabet. And it also takes a lot of coordination and time to type, we recognize, but that’s a sacrifice we’re willing to make for knowledge!” said i>Clicker CEO Marissa Roch.

Roch refused to comment on the fact that the extended time it takes to input an answer costs the professors’ time to teach more material.

The Black Sheep conducted a survey on campus last week to gauge students’ reactions to the i>Clicker2.

Most students voiced their love for the new i>Clicker.

“I dig it! I dig it so much. We are children of the technological age! How dare the university even think about

not seizing the opportunity to update technology! Look at the crazy differences between the two! I want the best and only the best when learning, and if that means spending $50 for a new i>Clicker, then heck yes I want it! Does it come in gold?” said sophomore Tyler Busch.

However, some are under the opinion that the i>Clicker2 is a waste of time and money.

“I’m a graduating senior and now the university wants me to drop $50 on a new i>Clicker? It’s already shit that I had to buy one last year for the first time. It’s literally the same thing, and has zero use outside of college lectures.

Come on,” said senior Jenny West.

The Black Sheep followed up with West after her first class to see her feelings after using the new i>Clicker.

“Oh I totally love it. I love the new feature that I can now type words in a convoluted, archaic manner. It’s really helping me learn, especially when it takes two minutes to type the word ‘theory.’ It’s 100% worth my couldhave-been-wine money” said West, after clearly changing her mind.

Other students argue that the technology can be replaced with an already popular handheld device — smartphones.

“Why can’t we just use our smart phones? They send signals just like an i>Clicker, old or new. It makes no sense. This world is shit and just wants to make a profit off of me. Here. Take $50. I have no reason left to hold onto my cash when it’ll just disappear anyways” said senior Ross Timen.

The university classrooms have the technology for

both the i>Clicker1 and i>Clicker2 to be used, but class booklists demand the i>Clicker2 be used. While not exactly fair to students, listing the i>Clicker2 supports the bookstore in a UD spirit-themed way.

steal technology from other devices, such as the screen, in such an archaic manner that no one will notice. No, I don’t think it’s wrong, because at least the university is letting me do it,” said Roch.

“Yes, we produce lame new technology in order to say we’ve produced a better sequel. Yes, we do it for profit.

Yes, I have nothing better to do than think of ways I can

Original i>Clickers will stop working by next year, just in time for people without the requirement to have an i>Clicker start complaining about the same thing.

page 4

page 7

UD Frat Sets record for Most Inept “Classy” Party

Drinking Game: Kirkbride Jesus

Cheap wine is just as bad as cheap beer, okay?

No matter what you believe in, we can all agree KBJeezy is ridiculous.

• Keep Up With Us! • @TheBlackSheepUD • theblacksheeponline.com •

page 7

Top 10: Party Themes We break down the top 10 best ways to party at UD.

>>

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Ud fraternity Sets Record for Most Inept Attempt at a “Classy” Party By: Sarah Allen

A party took a turn for the douche when a local fraternity set the record for the worst attempt at a pretentious party. When we first heard about the honors, we expected bored grad students waxing poetic about David Foster Wallace and bitching about how DCAD students are such posers over craft brews. Instead, it was a gauche fiasco that only University of Delaware students could achieve.

When asked for a comment, member Chad Bailey Thomson had this to say: “Yeah dude, we wanted to class things up you know?

Make it something to remember. We’re in college now, no more tailgaiting and skunked beer. Except, you know, all the tail gaiting that goes on during Blue Hens’ games.” He then concluded the interview with a “Go Blue Hens!” and attempted a fist bump – much to the chagrin of this intrepid journalist.

In an attempt to shed the image that fraternity parties were all cheap beer and low rent, the fraternity decided to up the ante with Boone’s Farm and Sutter Home (priced at $2 and $12, respectively).

To pair with the wine, members brought a wide array of hors d’oeuvres, including a jar of pickles, Takis, chicken wings, several packs of Kraft Singles, and a Lunchable.

Of course no party is complete without entertainment. Guests were treated to member David Keegan’s U2 cover band, Bono-fied. In addition to the live music, there was a DJ spinning (read: shuffling through) mixes from his iPod all night – an ode to 21st century creativity. The entertainment continued with a Sutter Home pong tournament and rounds of poker.

Rebecca Jeffers commented that while the wine got her drunker faster, it wasn’t as easy to chug as the usual cups of Pabst. “It literally tasted like something that was meant to be drank slowly.” That anyone would want to savor Sutter Home instead of have it pass through their system as fast as possible then immediately regret ever having tasted it, is incomprehensible to this The Black Sheep writer.

Despite the sweltering summer weather there was an abundance

of suits and formal wear; as the Facebook invitation stated, “formal dress was NOT optional.” Several students even showed up in tuxes, and even a few tuxedo t-shirts — confused that they were attending a James Bond themed party instead of a classy get together.

“I suppose I misunderstood when Chad said there would be Pussy Galore,” one unnamed member stated, uncomfortably pulling at his bow tie, most likely a clip on.

There was some excitement when a stray dog wandered in to the frat house. The boys presented him with a bow tie and declared him the new mascot: Sir Leroy. Toasts were given all around and the newest member was fed a celebratory feast of crackers and cheese slices.

The night continued on a high note with an impromptu performance of a scene from What the Butler Saw by members of The Rubber Chickens. Those witnessing the performance said that they “had no idea what they were watching, but loved that two of the characters were practically naked throughout the scene.”

However, the mix of alcohol and testosterone trumped all attempts at sophistication. At first partygoers thought they were witnessing a performance of capoeira — a South American style of martial arts that incorporates music, dance, and acrobatics, but all hell broke loose when Jason Boney crashed through a coffee table.

“Next thing we knew, Chad was giving Brandon a half nelson, Jason rolled around on the ground asking for a beer, and Sir Leroy began humping Megan’s leg,” one eyewitness recalled. “Overall, I think it was a great party.” There were no serious injuries incurred during the fight, except maybe a few crushed balls and Megan’s leg.

In addition to the prestige awarded to most inept attempt at throwing a pretentious party ever, members of the esteemed fraternity were each given a gift card to Nordstrom’s and told to “buy something other than sweatpants.”

COLLEGE NIGHT Every Tuesday | All Day, All Night

$2 Single YOU-CALL-ITS $

10 Cover Charge |

FREE Admission with UD I.D.

*Certain restrictions may apply. Valid at Grotto Pizza, Main Street only.

Thursdays with DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy & Vodka Drinks

$3 Blue Moon Pints

| $3 Coors Light 25oz Big Beers Bar/Bar area only.

302.369.2200 | 45 East Main Street | Grotto Pizza.com |

So

$

Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com

on the Streets If you were to pen an R&B song about the time you lost your virginity, what would it be titled?

Bethany

“Put That Thing Back Where it Came From or So Help Me”

Tylar

“I Came in Like a Wrecking Ball”

Kelsey

“Slip N’ Slide”

06

drinking game:

Kirkbride Jesus

The

Top

Party Themes at UD

Ten

By: Carolyn Beatty Classes aren’t the only thing in full swing these days. UD students have been getting their party on for a few weeks now and enjoying every second of it, if not enjoying it too much. The following is a list of the top ten party themes seen at UD: 10.) Anything But Clothes: ABC parties make for a great time after mind-numbingly figuring out what to wear (hint: it will be a garbage bag and/or duct tape from the Five and Dime.) Or will someone shock the scene and move beyond the basics into a lesserknown Twister mat region? It’s anyone’s game, but be prepared to lose most of your costume while getting down and dirty when the party moves to Kate’s dance floor.

By: Brian McManus There are plenty of things that separate UD from other schools, one of them being Kirkbride Jesus.

Kirkbride Jesus, or KBJeezy, stands behind the wall next to Kirkbride and preaches the word of the Lord.

He’s our own little Westboro Baptist, right in the heart of Newark! It doesn’t matter what you believe in, we all can agree that KBJeezy is ridiculous and a perfect excuse to get day-drunk.

What you’ll need: A very strong drink in a Starbucks cup.

Number of Players: 1+ Level of Intoxication: You will feel the spirit of the Lord.

9.) Pajama: Dudes have it easy; just throw on a t-shirt and boxers. Ladies have a harder decision to make, as they think they always do and are usually kind enough to point out, they could stick with the same look as the fellas or upgrade to some friend-zoned guy pal’s button up with booty shorts. Of course, if getting a little risqué is on the menu, many ladies opt to model some of their finest (read: trashiest) lingerie. No matter what, save the pillow and snacks for the wallowing in self-loathing that ensues after failing to nab a hottie.

8.) Decades: Every UD student seems to own an ancient article of clothing just in case an opportunity such as a decades party ever presents itself. It often does, and UD’s millennials flock to it all dressed from the 90s, the decade with which they are obsessed, regardless of their being too young to remember most of it. That’s okay, though, because no one tends to remember most of a decades party until the massive hangover sets in and the realization hits that you really did party like it was 1999.

7.) Superhero: Marvel and DC have offered so much in the way of superhero comics that UD students find it easy to choose a favorite for a superhero party. You could even dress with your best friend as a superhero and sidekick duo, like YoUDee and Baby Blue. These costumes offer an incredibly creepy feeling of empowerment.

Plus, the people who start to believe they can actually fly make for great Vine posts the next day.

How to Play: - Play on a nice, sunny day (Kirkbride Jesus only feels called to preach when he won’t have to stand in the rain or cold).

- Pour a strong drink into a Starbucks cup (this is a trendy and inconspicuous way to get your drink on).

- Sit down on one of those weird wall/bench things next to Kirkbride.

6.) Highlighter/Blacklight: Highlighter parties are almost a right of passage for all UD freshmen. It is exhilarating to walk around freely writing anything on strangers’ clothing (read: boobies). As a result, the likelihood of going home with at least four penis drawings on your back is excellent. The downfall of this theme is that the majority of partygoers are hordes of freshmen who pregamed way too hard in Dickinson.

Relax, listen closely, and drink once when: - He calls an individual out of the crowd.

- The word “harlot” is screamed across campus.

- If he’s wearing a visor or camo shorts.

- KBJeezy makes a hip pop-culture reference (i.e. “young women today need to stop idolizing Kim Kardashian and start worshiping the Lord”).

- The screaming gets so intense that KBJ has to stop and take a drink to rehydrate the tongue of the Lord.

- KBJ encourages gay people to seek a life free of sin.

- A passerby gives KBJ the finger.

- A hipster parking their bike strikes up a conversation with KBJ.

4.) Colonial Bros and Navahoes: One of the latest and greatest additions to UD’s party theme repertoire, this theme is not for the faint of heart and not-racist. People have been known to go all-out in this theme, with guys dressing up in some knickers and quality dollar store colonial hats and ladies dressing down in their most naughty native outfits.

5.) Paint: Everyone leaves these parties looking their absolute worst, but it doesn’t matter because of how much fun these parties are. It’s a good thing everyone enjoys themselves, because some of UD’s more devious frats have been known to put hair dye or non-washable paint in some of the bottles, leaving a semi-permanent record for weeks to come.

3.) America: All that’s needed for an America party is a sexy red, white, and blue outfit and a strong sense of patriotism. This theme tends to find popularity among UD’s fraternities, and for a damn good reason. Because we are the first state in the Constitution and in partying, we take more pride in America than the average university, making patriotic parties a staple theme at UD.

Drink twice when: - A tour group passes KBJ (there will always be a mom nodding in approval).

- KBJ uses the words “sex,” “intercourse,” or “abstinence.”

- A second Kirkbride Jesus joins the group (there are at least three of them).

- He takes a break from preaching to paint an educational picture.

2.) WTF: If you aren’t asked the question “What are you wearing!?” at least four times, you didn’t go hard enough. This theme requires throwing anything within eyesight on your body, be it a UD lanyard, rain boots, or some curtains. One frat star even wore an actual banana peel! Or maybe it was a banana suit leftover from Halloween.

Finish your drink when: - Some random kid in high-top converses starts an argument with Kirkbride Jesus (shouting will take place and a crowd will form).

1.) Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory: People eat candy off each other’s costumes, assorted syrups are poured down bodies, whipped cream is shot from out of nowhere, and it is the best time ever. Everyone tastes like a combination of every sweet ever invented, which makes for some interesting saliva-swapping.

This theme is a rare gem on campus, but when one of UD’s party-loving fraternities hosts one, it is always a sweet time.

He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.

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SPECIAL NIGHT

Everyday! $3 12oz beers, $5 off hookah with purchase of 2 entrees

THURSDAY: Bacon Bar from 4 to Close Pork pork and more pork!

thursday

Free upgrade to a fruit head hookah with the purchase of two entrees

$2.50 Shots, $4 Mojitos and Margaritas Bacon Bar from 4 to Close Pork pork and more pork!

$5.50 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, or Yuengling, $5 House Margaritas 8-close

$3 Coronas

Happy Hour 3pm - 7pm: $2 16oz domestic drafts, $3 22oz domestic drafts, $2 rail drinks, 1/2 price glasses of house wine 3pm - 6pm: $5 selected appetizers

$3 Glasses of Sangria

Football Specials 11-7: $3.50 22oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light, $4.99 22oz Stella or Blue Moon, $1.99 Mug Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite, Yuengling, $3 Pinnacle drinks 8-close

FRIday saturday

$5 Long Island Ice Teas

$3 All 12oz Beer

$3.50 22oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light, $4.99 22oz Stella or Blue Moon $1.99 Mug Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite, Yuengling

sunday

Free appetizer with purchase of 2 entrees

$3 Mimosas Brunch 10-3

All Day Football Specials! $3.50 22oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light, $4.99 22oz Stella or Blue Moon $1.99 Mug Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite, Yuengling

monday

$3 12oz Dogfish Head, Free $5 appetizer with purchase of two entrees

$15 Pitchers of Sangria

$3 Off All Burgers Happy Hour Drink Prices 3-close

$2 Draft Beer

Kids eat free all day with the purchase of an adult entrée!

Trivia with your chance to win $20, $30, or $50 in Turtle Bucks $5 House Long Island Iced Teas, $3 Corona or Corona Lights 8-Close

$4 Captain Morgans, $4 Jack Daniels

Live Music! Barely Rarely (9/25) Pete & Chris (10/2) $5 Selected Appetizers 3-close $3 Bottles of Dogfish 90, Anchor Steam, Sierra Nevada, Heavy Seas Loose Cannon, Hop City Barking Squirrel, Flying Dog Raging Bitch, $5 Cruzan Mojitos 8-close

tuesday wednesday

$5 off hookah with purchase of 2 entrees

$3 12oz Blue Moon

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The Bar Grid EVERYDAY! $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light

FRIDAY: Newark’s Best Happy Hour 6-8pm $2 Drafts, 1/2 Price Apps, $3 Pinnacle Drinks, $3 Select Craft Bottles DJ Collision

ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles, $4.50 RBVs

$2.50 coors light all day, every day!

SPECIAL NIGHT

DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy and Vodka, $3 Blue Moon Pints, $3 25oz Coors Lights $4 Tall Svedkas

DJ Dance Party w/ DJ Collision $2 Rail Pints, $5 Bombs $5 Trash Cans $5 Craic Nachos All Day!

1/2 Price Wings, DJ Kevin Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!

$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Hapy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light

THURS.

$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light

Newark’s Best Happy Hour 6-8pm $2 Drafts, 1/2 Price Apps, $3 Pinnacle Drinks, $3 Select Craft Bottles DJ Collision

1/2 Price Salads 11am-4pm, Seafood Night, DJ Nii

Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $4 Long Island Ice Teas, $4 Fireball and Blue Ball Shots

College Night! FREE Happy Hour Carving Station $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts $3 Rail Drinks, SoCo Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy

FRI.

$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites

EPL Soccer, Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar til 3pm DJ Infamos 9pm - 1am $4 Red Bull & Vodka Drinks, $4 Layered Pints, $3 Carlsberg All Day

Brunch 11am - 2pm, Live DJ 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Washington Apples

Chef's Special!

DJ 9pm $2.50 Coors Light

SAT.

$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites

EPL Soccer, Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar til 3pm $0.35 Wings During Football Games, $3 22oz Bud Light Pints, $3 Guinness, Smithwicks and Harp, $5 Irish Car Bombs

Brunch 10am - 2pm, 1/2 Price Entrees 4pm - 10pm, 1/2 Price Apps 9pm - Close 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Rails

All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $18.99 $2.50 Coors Light

SUN.

$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Leinenkugel Pints

Wing Night! $0.35 Wings Pub Quiz! 9pm - 12am $3 22oz Yuengling Pints, $3 Captain Morgan Drinks

1/2 Price Burgers, Salsa Night Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Rails, $4 Fireball Shots

$6 Nacho Night!

Seafood, Taco, Supreme, Chicken or Pulled Pork $2.50 Coors Light

MON.

College Night! $2 Single You-Call-Its $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light

Burger Night! $5 1/2lb. Burgers Karaoke Dance Party at 10pm $3 Long Island Iced Tea $3 Kronenbourg Blanc

1/2 Price Nachos, Quizzo Tuesday Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!

$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $2.50 Coors Light

TUES.

$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Weinhard's IPA

Irish Session at 7:30pm, Pub Pong at 9pm, DJ at 10pm $2 Bud Light Pints, $2 Pinnacle Flavored Vodka Drinks, $5 Jameson & Ginger, $3 Carlsberg Drafts, $3 Fireball Shots, $5 Flatbreads

1/2 Price Sandwiches and Salads, 1/2 Price Appetizers 9-close, Live Music Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Blue Moon, $3 Captain Drinks

Salsa Lessons 8:30 pm - 9:30 pm Dancing until 1am!

Half Price Burgers! $5 1/2 Lbs. Burger + Side!

WED.

The Black Sheep Peruses

the Fall TV Schedule Don’t know about you, but we couldn’t be more excited for fall’s upcoming television series. TV, being a medium of propriety and constant self-improvement, has only continued to become more and more respected in the eyes of the public. And, really, it couldn’t be more important to us: sharing with you some of the best of what fall has to offer. Oh, this is so exhilarating! But enough of our gushing, this TV isn’t gonna watch itself! Now, let’s sit back and learn about what’s on the ol’ boob tube this fall…

1

Master Chef Junior (Friday, Sep. 27 at 8/7c on Fox) W-well okay. So, to start we have a show starring Gordon Ramsay and a bunch of children. Sounds like-well, it certainly sounds like an idea. Like Barney but with more chronic heartburn. Who is this show for? Kids?

Probably not. Kids hate old British dudes. Adults? Probably not. Adults hate Gordon Ramsay. It’d be a lie to say that the show isn’t intriguing from a distance, however. What tools will Ramsay supply the kids with? Like, are the kids rationed out Easy-Bakes or are there really sharp knives everywhere or does Ramsay just not give a fuck? Has his culinary expertise actually caused him to acquire a taste for human flesh? Oh, God that would be such a delicious twist. It’s not going to happen, ‘cause “parent groups” and whatever. It’s also doubtful this series would be able to pull such a move with any dramatic tact whatsoever.

What a shame. We were hoping the first show would really knock it out of the park. Oh, well. Let’s see what’s next.

By: Kevin Wise

1

2

3

Million Second Quiz (Monday, Sep. 9 at 8/7c on NBC) Huh. A game show. Okay, we’ll give this one a shot. Actually, the internet tells us this one already premiered. And no one liked it. Why, you ask? Well, it wasn’t because it was poorly made (although, certain technical problems suggest otherwise), but because it was too confusing. So, before we put on out basket hats and march into town, pitchforks ablaze, let’s see what the show’s website has to say for itself:

The story of several young people from around the world who represent the next stage in human evolution, possessing special powers, including the ability to teleport and communicate with each other telepathically. Together they work to defeat the forces of evil. – IMDB

Oh, okay. It’s in an hourglass. Cute. Wait, what does this even mean? The people in the MONEY CHAIR get money while they’re in the chair; that makes sense. But how long do they have to be there? Just the hour, right?

For as long as the show is actually broadcast? And they’re just being asked random trivia? Like every quiz show ever? Could this just be called Quiz and no one would be the wiser? But they kidnap the people that win. And make them “survive” next to a giant hourglass in the middle of the city. That’s what makes it different? What the fuck is going on here?

Wait a minute. This sounds exactly like the movie Chronicle. And every X-Men thing ever. And Carrie. Is this what happens when CW tries to go toe-to-toe with ABC? Is this a response to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.? Well, good job with that one, as it’s clear The Tomorrow People set out on cancelling Agents’ banality with its own. Oh. Oh! You think Agents might be rad? Quickly, recite your favorite superheroes from the past Marvel movies. Was it Hawkeye, the dude who uses a bow? What about Black Widow, the lady who kills people by being all sexy? The guy who collected Captain America trading cards? Did you like him? Well, then…yeah, you might dig Agents. God, what is with these shows, though? We just wanted a fun fall season. Where’s the creativity? Where’s the spunk? Hopefully in the next few shows. We’re not sure we can take much more of this.

4

5 4

5

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Dracula (Friday, Oct. 25 at 10/9c on NBC) Ugh. Vampires. Vampires and werewolves. Twilight wasn’t good! Neither was True Blood! Stop it! Stop it all of you! For some reason, the overreaching awfulness of the genre feels like accepted fact, but the urge to state your dissatisfaction still bubbles in the back of your throat. Why is this happening? Who is the person in charge of these projects that truly has a passion for the modern vampire? Who are the people that are just eating this up? Spoiler: he bites people. He’s a vampire and he’s going to bite sexy lady necks while looking all sexy. Maybe, if we’re lucky, he’ll bite some sexy dude necks. And then he’s going to be all mysterious and totally charming at the same time. This can’t still be selling. Please, tell us the vampire well is running dry. Tell us the perversion of classic horror monsters is done. What’s next? Mummies? Is the infatuation pop culture has with fetishizing old-timey, horror-fiction bullshit ever going to fade away?

Witches of the East End (Sunday, Oct. 6 at 10/9c on Lifetime) Ugh. Witches. Witches and wizards. When does it end? It’s our fault, really.

It’s not like every, single millennial didn’t memorize their Patronus at an early age. It’s not like we didn’t treat Wicked as the greatest thing since the wheel.

And we enabled it all, just so we could vicariously live our dreams of being magic people. But enough’s enough. Magic isn’t magic anymore. It’s time to go home. Witches of the East End looks like Wizards of Waverly Place for adults, but, if you take the time to really look at that statement, you’ll realize how ludicrous it is. Perhaps the next show bucks this trend.

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The Tomorrow People, huh? That’s what you got? Future Folks not good enough for you? Whatever, have your name, but know that it isn’t even enough to convey what the show is about. We assume it has something to do with watch manufacturers. Well, actually, The Tomorrow People is:

...‘ The Million Second Quiz’ is a…competition where contestants…battle each other in intense head-to-head bouts of trivia for 12 consecutive days and nights.

The competition…will air in primetime, LIVE from a three-story hourglassshaped structure. Money is accumulated by sitting in the ‘[MONEY CHAIR]’ (note: NBC doesn’t capitalize this, but they really should) and answering trivia questions against a rival. The longer a contestant stays in the chair, the more money is added until he/she is defeated by a challenger. During the million seconds the top four players who have accumulated the largest amounts of money up to that point in the game will live next to the hourglass in ‘Winners’ Row’ and try to survive there until the million seconds are up. – NBC

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The Tomorrow People (Wednesday, Oct. 9 at 9/8c on CW)

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Sleepy Hollow (Monday, Sep. 16 at 9/8c on Fox) Well, fuck you too, TV.

Bartender of the Week When did you start working here?: Three weeks ago.

What are the busiest nights?: Football nights — Thursdays, Sundays and Mondays.

What is the best drink on the menu?: Beer is the most popular, but we make “crush” drinks with fresh-squeezed fruits.

What is your favorite drink?: Beer during the winter or scotch.

What is your favorite shot?: Tequila- it was the first shot I ever had in the US What is the most disgusting drink option on the menu?: A Jersey Turnpike. I can never believe people actually drink them.

Craziest thing you’ve seen working?: I saw a really drunk older gentleman fall off his barstool. Also, there was a couple making out on top of the bar.

If you could have a beer with anyone, who would it be?: The President of Russia — I’ve always wanted to meet him.

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famous jims ACROSS 1) President Jimmy, of the late 70s.

3) This Jimmy wants you to come on down to Margaritaville.

5) Jim Davis created this famous kitty cartoon.

6) Jim Morrison sang, “Come on baby, light my” what?

10) One of the headliners of Woodstock ‘69, two words.

11) This rapper’s biggest single was 2006’s “We Fly High,” two words.

12) Last name of Jim on The Office.

13) This Jimmy’s hit song was “The Middle,” two words.

15) Creator of Kermit the Frog, amongst others.

DOWN 1) This Jim’s most famous role was as Jesus in The Passion of the Christ.

2) Jim Parsons played this character on The Big Bang Theory.

2) Sean Connery is amongst many who

played this famous James.

4) Former SNL cast member turned latenight talk show host.

5) This comedian’s most famous standup is King Baby.

7) British hottie Jim Sturgess played Jude in the 2007 film Across the what?

8) Guitarist and leader of Led Zeppelin, two words.

9) Former co-host of The Man Show.

14) Jim Carrey played this character in the successful 1998 film.

crossword

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