The Black Sheep
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Vol.5, Issue 3
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/3/13 - 10/16/13
UD Junior reaches new low BY: Shannon Poulsen Junior Mindy West hit a new low last Tuesday after drinking wine and eating mac and cheese at 11:30 a.m.. Friends and family are concerned for her spiral into a pitiful pattern of behavior. West came home from a late night hook-up with her “boyfriend”, Chris Mayer, and immediately changed into a towel to shower. She then sat in her dirty living room because one of her roommates took the shower. Roommate Mary Taft contacted The Black Sheep hoping that publicity would shake West’s new pattern of behavior. “I don’t even know what’s going on with her anymore. After I asked her where she was, she just stared me down while devouring four ice cream sandwiches! Please draw attention to this because like, it isn’t normal.” said Taft. The source of West’s strange behavior is not currently known. Some think it’s her disorganized love life mixed with a challenging semester of work. Some hypothesize that West has been headed down this path of instability for a long time. Others think that what she’s doing is completely normal and we should “LEAVE HER ALONE!” West’s social media accounts share her perspective on how her life is unfolding. Her twitter feed reveals her loss of sanity. “@mindaaaywest: help lost on campus” “@mindaaaywest: exploded a baked potato in the microwave” “@mindaaaywest: hugged a freshmen and apologized for the schmacked hate. crying” “@mindaaaywest: can’t get myself to download iOS 7 bcz why” West is heavily involved in clubs around campus and her academic records provide that she has a 3.75 GPA, which would not indicate any emotional or mental instability. However, measured by The Black Sheep’s test of “Have you crossed the line between ‘forgivable in college’ and ‘no ur actually nutz’?” West shows signs of problems. Indications of problems include: purposefully ignoring personal hygiene, eating ramen specifically for the taste and nourishment, sticking around the morning after a hook-up, and showing up to everything forty minutes late. West does not feel that she is currently spiraling down a dark path.
page 4 Man Uses Psychology to Explain his Lack of Companionship whatever makes you feel better, man.
“What I’m doing is totally normal. People get stressed and punch shit a lot! It’s not abnormal. So what if I drank excessively by myself last night? So what if I get really particular about how to clean the dishes and bitch at my roommates? Everyone just needs to let me calm down” said West, storming into our office after being contacted for contact. Most concerned for West is her family. “We haven’t heard from Mindy in over a month! The last time we spoke, she told us that she was ‘fine’ and just needed to get grad school paid for somehow. She then yelled that her dream was to be a professional comedian but we’re squashing her dreams! What is that?!” said her mother Laura West.
Other friends of West are arguing that this is not a new low. “If you think this is a low, you should have been reporting during prom. And during college move in. And during the fraternity formal time. And the time she had a crush on her RA. And the time she left her phone in a puddle on South College. And whenever she’s sitting in her 100-level history class. That’s a fun one to watch her come out of” said gossipy ex-friend Alexa Montez. Updates on West’s actions and sanity levels will be released post-article. It is predicted though that West will never admit to her crazy attitudes and carry on as if nothing has changed.
page 7 Top 10: Worst Pregame Situations Just when you thought pre-gaming was always a win-win situation.
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page 13 Suspected Theories of Newark Rainy Tuesdays Maybe it’s like the Monday Blues but Newark’s just confused?
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Dejerkted
of the
A sad masturbation session after being blue-balled. “Simon dejerkted and went to bed after Hailey didn’t reciprocate his advances in the student health services waiting room.”
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This gothic rock frontman saw Bloodflowers all over the place after unloading a few rounds from a world-renown rifle maker.
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Man uses psychology to explain his lack of companionship By: Dillon McLaughlin Following widespread speculation concerning his lack of girlfriends in the past three years, James Collins, a junior English major, has turned to relying on poorly understood psychological theories to explain his lack of participation in the dating scene. “The way I see it, dating is just an expansive and involved mind game,” Collins told reporters. “Have you ever heard of the Prisoner’s Dilemma?” Collins went on to explain that it would be more beneficial to the two people involved to betray the other, conveniently skipping over the mutual trust and love inherent in a healthy relationship. Instead, he subconsciously allowed his own trust issues and emotional instability to shape him into the human manifestation of broken and sabotaged relationships.
to motherhood and child-rearing. He may have been complimenting my hips, but I wasn’t taking any chances.” Maronti explained that while Collins is a half decent looking guy, he was totally ignorant of Maronti’s increased fidgeting and kept cutting her off every time she started to say she needed to meet with some classmates for a project. “After I refused to give him my number, so that we could ‘continue this healthy debate at a later time’,” said Maronti, “he muttered something about Stockholm Syndrome and pushed a kid’s tuna melt off the table.”
“It’s also called game theory,” said Collins. “I don’t know if you knew that.”
Collins reportedly went to his high school prom with the family dog, allegedly telling his friends that this night was for him so he wanted to share it with someone who understood him. Felix the dog responded by peeing in the limo, terrorizing the hotel kitchen staff, and chewing through the legs of the catering table.
“Collins? James Collins?” said Tricia Maronti, a sophomore comm interest. “Yeah, we had an American history class together last year. And it wasn’t so much that he asked me on a date as it was that he cornered me in Saxby’s and talked about how women are biologically predisposed
“Think about the amount of times per day women hear or say the phrase, ‘men are dicks’,” whined Collins into a lukewarm Coors Light. “It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. So why fight that battle when I can just wait for all of them to mature?”
It’s been so long since Collins has felt the warmth and closeness of human intimacy that he now believes his crushing isolation is due in part to the increase in cases of autism in recent years. What escapes him is that he is actually an insufferable shit of a person. “Dating is way too much like the Stanford Prison Experiment,” Collins expounded while microwaving a frozen pizza and choking back tears. “People take on the roles assigned to them. It’s not my fault that the role of my female peers is a superficial slut with body image issues living in an emotional minefield. Besides, they’re all too sensitive.” Collins cites the deluding childhoods of the world’s women as the main source of his difficulties in not sleeping alone, clutching a pillow while he stares wide eyed into the streetlights outside his window, hoping to God that this isn’t how he dies. “The problem is that Disney’s animated movies gave women this destructive idea that Prince Charming is coming to rescue them from their lives of monotony and seclusion,” pontificated Collins, not acknowledging that he had just told Samantha the Newark Deli and Bagel cashier that she would be so much prettier if she would shampoo her hair more than once every two weeks. “But the archetypal
prince doesn’t exist and the white horse is actually a 2004 Honda Civic with a damaged and creaking suspension. That, or a rusted out 1996 Ford F-150. No guy is ever going to measure up to what women expect from us.” Collins then turned to the girl behind him, decided she had daddy issues with which he couldn’t be bothered, and ate his sausage, egg, and cheese bagel alone in his car.
COLLEGE NIGHT Every Tuesday | All Day, All Night
$2 Single YOU-CALL-ITS $
10 Cover Charge |
FREE Admission with UD I.D.
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302.369.2200 | 45 East Main Street | Grotto Pizza.com |
So
$
Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets If you could bang one cartoon character from your childhood, who would it be? Kirsten
“Aladdin.”
A a ro n
“Daphne from Scooby Doo.”
Amanda
“Danny Phantom.”
06
The
Top
Worst Pregame Situations
Ten
By: Chase Karpus 10.) The Flip-Cup Game that Never Starts: Who hasn’t been a victim of this — someone shouts “flip-cup!” and soon enough you have a couple people ready to play “let’s put our open cup on the dirtiest surface ever over and over again.” But wait, a few people have taken to side conversations, pictures, and complaining that they’re out of beer. Soon enough you and one other unlucky soul are left standing there with your cups in front of each other, all the while repeating the mantra “Hey guys, match up.” 9.) The Awkward Class “Friend”: You look across the room to see that person from class who you kind of talk to but have never intertwined past there. Time to have the most awkward conversation of your life. As you fumble through riveting conversation topics such as “How about that class yesterday” and “How’d you do on that exam,” you scour the room to find some reason to escape them as they do the same exact thing. The worse part? You’re now obliged to talk to them at every single class. 8.) Drinking Game Hard-On: He’s the guy who made a girl cry during high school gym class because she just wasn’t good enough at speedball. Any game becomes the be-all-end-all of this man’s existence. Didn’t flip your cup fast enough? He might murder you. Didn’t hit that last pong redemption shot? Prepare to be chewed out. Didn’t slap that cute girl’s cup fast nor hard enough? You’re a pussy. 7.) Ready to Go at 11, Don’t Leave ‘til 12: It’s 11 o’clock and you’ve built up a nice buzz to head into the party, but wait, the rest of the party wants just one more shot. Then it’s just one more picture and then it’s just one more song. Eventually it’s 12 and you’re standing around wondering why you’re friends with these people. Also, there isn’t a more pathetic moment in a man’s life than when he has made his way to the door seven times in one hour hoping that people will follow, only for no one to even notice he left. 6.) The Music is Way Out of Place: There are always those nights where you show up to a pregame and it’s just hard house music blasting, but there are only about five people sitting down at their kitchen table. It’s like taking a Xanax and some molly, then just seeing what happens. The only thing worse is when there’s absolutely no music, leaving nothing but awkward silence and shitty conversation. 5.) Your Friend is Too Drunk: What’s the one surefire way to ruin your night besides ex girlfriends and law enforcement? Your best friend becoming that early-drunk asshole everyone hates. Soon enough you’re saying you don’t know him as he commits acts that certainly would not fly in the workplace. Your only hope is that he passes out before making it to the party, so you can have yourself some semblance of a good time. 4.) The One Person You Don’t Want to Run Into: Everything’s going good so far. You’ve got some drinks, made some nice conversation, and a cute girl/guy is taking a liking to you. Oh wait, there’s that one single person in all of Newark who you wish didn’t show up. Now you’re stuck the rest of the pregame avoiding them and listening to every person you talk to going, “You know so-and-so is here.” Yeah I know they’re here, which is why they’re on the other side of the room and I’m here only making eye contact with the bottom of my beer. And yes I know that the adult thing to do is to go over and just confront things, but guess what? I’d rather ignore the entire situation and let future me deal with it. 3.) All One Gender: Now some readers might argue “how can a pregame of all girls be a bad thing ever?” First of all, understand that flirting well when there are thirteen girls and two guys is almost impossible. Your only chance is to put up with their insane pregame habits and hope to shift the odds at the party. Second, there is the girl’s perspective because The Black Sheep is all about equality. You think two girls want to hear thirteen guys talk about sports and weird sex, all the while making obvious attempts to hit on them? Definitely not. 2.) No One is There: If you’ve been promised that there will be a lot of people at a pregame, and there are twenty people less than expected, then you have a right to be upset. Because not only are these people not your close friends, they’re not even good friends. The worse part? You can’t even leave because it’s so noticeable. What do you say? “I have somewhere better to be?” Nope. You have to tough it out for one of the most brutal hours of your life. 1.) You Know Nobody: Oh god, this has to be one of the worst. Your roommate’s girlfriend’s sorority sister is having a pregame and you come on the false promise of people you know actually being there. Well, the joke’s on you because you know absolutely no one. And that roommate of yours is too busy with his girlfriend. There’s really only one thing to do… swallow your pride and become the Drinking Game Hard-On, at least games will force people to talk to you.
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EVERYDAY STUDENT DEALS
Open until 12am daily & 2am on Fridays and Saturdays $6.99 deals include: Medium Cheese Pizza Spaghetti Marinara Medium Cheesesteak Medium Chicken Cheesesteak Medium Chicken Sandwich Meatball Parm Sandwich $6.49 Cheeseburger Platter $1.00 off any small salad *$6.49 minimum for delivery
160 South Main Street, Newark DE 19711 Call 302-738-0808 or order online at patspizzeria.com
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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Live Music! 10/9 Barely Rarely, 10/16 James & Mat $5 Selected Appetizers 3-close $3 Bottles of Dogfish 90, Anchor Steam, Sierra Nevada, Heavy Seas Loose Cannon, Hop City Barking Squirrel, Flying Dog Raging Bitch, $5 Cruzan Mojitos 8-close
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TUES.
WED.
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The Bar Grid FRIDAY: Newark’s Best Happy Hour 6-8pm $2 Drafts, 1/2 Price Apps, $3 Pinnacle Drinks, $3 Select Craft Bottles DJ Collision
ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles, $4.50 RBVs
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SPECIAL NIGHT
DJ Dance Party w/ DJ Collision $2 Rail Pints, $5 Bombs $5 Trash Cans $5 Craic Nachos All Day!
1/2 Price Wings, DJ Kevin Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
Football! 35% off orders of 10 Wings and Lg Pizzas, $14 128oz Bud Light Towers
$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Hapy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light
THURS.
Live Music from Acoustic Seven 8-11 ½ price breadsticks and cheese sticks 35% off Wings, $10 Coors Light Buckets, $2 Yuengling Bottles
College Night! FREE Happy Hour Carving Station $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts $3 Rail Drinks, SoCo Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy
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1/2 Price Salads 11am-4pm, Seafood Night, DJ Nii
Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $4 Long Island Ice Teas, $4 Fireball and Blue Ball Shots
EPL Soccer, Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar til 3pm DJ Infamos 9pm - 1am $4 Red Bull & Vodka Drinks, $4 Layered Pints, $3 Carlsberg All Day
Brunch 11am - 2pm, Live DJ 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Washington Apples
Football! 35% off orders of 10 Wings and Lg Pizzas, $14 128oz Bud Light Towers
Chef's Special! DJ 9pm $2.50 Coors Light
SAT.
EPL Soccer, Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar til 3pm $0.35 Wings During Football Games, $3 22oz Bud Light Pints, $3 Guinness, Smithwicks and Harp, $5 Irish Car Bombs
Brunch 10am - 2pm, 1/2 Price Entrees 4pm - 10pm, 1/2 Price Apps 9pm - Close 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Rails
Football! 35% off orders of 10 Wings and Lg Pizzas, $14 128oz Bud Light Towers
All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $18.99 $2.50 Coors Light
SUN.
Wing Night! $0.35 Wings Pub Quiz! 9pm - 12am $3 22oz Yuengling Pints, $3 Captain Morgan Drinks
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Football! 35% off orders of 10 Wings and Lg Pizzas, $14 128oz Bud Light Towers
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MON.
Burger Night! $5 1/2lb. Burgers Karaoke Dance Party at 10pm $3 Long Island Iced Tea $3 Kronenbourg Blanc
1/2 Price Nachos, Quizzo Tuesday Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
Tini Tuesday! $5 for 1 of 2 Creations from the bartender
$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $2.50 Coors Light
TUES.
Irish Session at 7:30pm, Pub Pong at 9pm, DJ at 10pm $2 Bud Light Pints, $2 Pinnacle Flavored Vodka Drinks, $5 Jameson & Ginger, $3 Carlsberg Drafts, $3 Fireball Shots, $5 Flatbreads
1/2 Price Sandwiches and Salads, 1/2 Price Appetizers 9-close, Live Music Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Blue Moon, $3 Captain Drinks
Quizzo 8-11 $10 Bud Light Buckets $3 Three Olives Vodka Drinks (You Call It)
Salsa Lessons 8:30 pm - 9:30 pm Dancing until 1am! Half Price Burgers! $5 1/2 Lbs. Burger + Side!
WED.
The
ACROBATIC
S e x osi
P
tion
eview! R k o o B A
By: Benny Boy
Although Emily Dubberley’s Acrobatic Sex Positions contains some of the most strenuous and penile-endangering sex positions known to mankind, one often finds that the most difficult aspect of these positions is convincing your girlfriend to do them with you. After all, you can only try these positions solo so many times until you find yourself only able to climax at the scent of moisturizer in the tortoise position. Here we will give you a few of the better sex positions from Acrobatic Sex Positions, all of which have been tested by us firsthand (R.I.P. Valerie), followed by our advice on how to get your significant other to try it with you.
Tow Truck
Pick p u e m
Difficulty Convincing: 3/10
What it Looks Like: The man is standing straight up with the woman in front, face down, legs wrapped around his hips and in the resting pushup position. How to Accomplish: If you see this position and don’t immediately think of wheelbarrow races, then your childhood was seriously lacking. Either that, or my uncle Terry has some serious ‘splaining to do! To get your girlfriend to do this one, you will need to hype up the innocent fun of it. Ask her if she would like to do a wheelbarrow race just for fun, just like old times. If she declines and looks at you like you’re crazy, say you guys could do it with your clothes off (She might be skeptical at first, but just do your best at convincing her that you will not stick your penis in her). After you guys have started wheelin’ around what you need to do is -- and this is the most important part -- you need stick your penis in her. At first she will be upset, but then it will quickly dawn on her that if she stops using either of her arms to support herself, she will be heading face-first to the floor. Extra points if you can accomplish this during the wheelbarrow race at your neighborhood’s annual family fun picnic.
The
The
Difficulty Convincing: 2/10 What it Looks Like: The woman is on all fours with the man sitting on her backside, leaning over to initiate penetration. How to Accomplish: This will be one of the positions that will require a lot of prep time. What you need to do first is work really hard at your job, saving money whenever you can. As soon as you have 2-3 grand, surprise your girlfriend with a luxury trip to Morocco. She will want to go to the beach for the first couple of days, and you will need to oblige. Close to the end of the trip you need to insist that the two of you go on a nature expedition. Once in the desert, you need to pretend that you are lost. Panic will set in at first, which is only normal. The desert will be very hot, so you should be removing clothes slowly while telling your girlfriend to do the same. After you are both naked, tell her that you need to rest, only the sand is too hot for you to sit on, so she must get on all fours so that you can rest on her buttocks. Once doing so, and this is the most difficult part, you must violently wrench your penis into a downward 90 degree angle in order to achieve penetration.
8
Difficulty Convincing: 4/10
What it Looks Like: The man is leaning over the side of the bed head-first. His head is resting on the floor and he is looking under the bed. The woman is sitting on the side of the bed against him.
How to Accomplish: This one is really quite simple. In the middle of making love to your woman, stop immediately and announce that you have a gift for her underneath the bed. This sudden interruption will leave the woman frustrated, but that was going to happen anyway. Turn around and dive off the bed head-first into a headstand. Lift up the overhanging sheets and begin “searching” for the gift. After a few minutes, yell out in a panicked voice that you are going to fall on the floor. Tell your lady friend to come and help you by sticking your penis into her for leverage. This works half of the time, the other half of the time the childish behavior makes the girl think she is in the movie Big, which sometimes helps because of the mental association with Tom Hanks.
Part 1 of 3!
The
XXX B
wall ang er Difficulty Convincing: 8/10
The
Back
Break er
What it Looks Like: The woman is up against a wall with the man doing a handstand behind her.
Difficulty Convincing: 6/10 What it Looks Like: The man is standing with the woman suspended face up, legs wrapped around his back, and with no support. How to Accomplish: This is another position which will require a lot of prep work. What you need to do first is become a licensed magician. Now, you might be asking, “Do magicians need licenses?” And the answer is, we truly don’t know. However, if you do need one, you’re gonna want to get one for this position. The Backbreaker is going to mimic the age-old levitation illusion. Normally this is done using hidden planks underneath the volunteer, but this time it will be a little different (Hint: You’re gonna use your penis). When you’re performing your routine at a bar mitzvah, county fair, or what-have-you, plant your girlfriend in the crowd and ask her to come up to participate in the levitation trick. Once you are prepared for the great reveal, mount your lady and go to town. She will be suspended in mid-air, and nobody will be the wiser.
Part 2 of 3!
two
fA CE D
LovEr Difficulty Convincing: 9/10
What it Looks Like: Just like The XXX Wallbanger except now the woman is also doing a handstand. How to Accomplish: At this point you are making love to your girlfriend while doing a handstand. Congratulations. The next logical step is to get her to do a handstand as well. She’s going to ask you why you are banging her while doing a handstand, and you are going to respond, “Is it me that is upside down, or is it the world?” She will think about this for a moment, eventually concluding that her perception of the world, universe, and society at large is just that: A perception. Although this spiritual revelation does not necessitate a physical rotation of the body into a handstand, she will still probably be more inclined to do so after realizing the subjective nature of the cosmos.
How to Accomplish: This is just one of those positions which requires a very specific set of circumstances to pull off, but when you do it is that much sweeter. You’re gonna need to find your girlfriend naked up against a wall. Now, this doesn’t happen very often, so when it does you need to be ready. Who knows, she could be doing some naked hamstring stretching, or maybe she is counting while playing naked hide-n-seek. Anyway, when she is in this position you need to get naked, do a headstand, and then just hand-walk your way on over to her. It’s best not to explain. The more you try, the more she won’t understand.
Part 3 of 3!
The
Clasp ing
Hands t a n d Difficulty Convincing: 10/10 What it Looks Like: Just like the Clasping Handstand except the two are now facing each other. How to Accomplish: To get the move to come to its conclusion, all you need to say is, “You know what, babe? We’ve gotten ourselves into this position, we might as well just face each other and admire us for the acrobatic weirdos that we are.”
Bartender of the Week Where are you from?: Right here in Delaware. What is your favorite beer?: Yuengling, it’s cheap and good. Do you have a crush on anyone who works at Kildare’s?: I date someone who works here. Would you rather hold a piss or shit in for 24 hours?: A shit. Zombies attack Kildare’s what is your weapon of choice?: Meat cleaver. What is the biggest tip you’ve ever received?: $100 Do you believe in ghosts?: No. Would you rather get attacked by a bear or a shark?: Shark. What is the hottest ethnicity of women?: American.
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Suspected Theories s y a d s e u T y in a R k r a w e N f o
By: Carolyn Beatty
We’ve all noticed it. After battling the Monday blues, Tuesday rolls around, theoretically offering Blue Hens a fresh chance to really start the new week. And then BAM (literally, that BAM is thunder). All of a sudden it’s just another rainy Tuesday in Newark. For years students have asked themselves why we must all suffer this cruel fate. Here are some suspected theories of why it rains every damn Tuesday in Newark: The Harker Theory: All weekend, President Harker sits around waiting for news of the destruction of UD’s beautiful “public ivy” campus caused by his party-loving undergrads. So once Monday rolls around and students are back on their homework grind, it’s his turn to go buck wild. And who can blame him? If we were all able to rip shots in the presidential mansion whenever we wanted, we would take that opportunity, too. Thus, the Tuesday morning rain is the hung over tears of President
Harker’s regret for going too hard, almost as hard as the rest of his undergraduate body. The Monday Blues/Newark Confusion Theory: Newark Rainy Mondays would make too much sense for two reasons. For one thing, we all know that everyone hates Mondays. Putting a damper (pun intended) on an already glum day just isn’t ironic enough, especially for UD hipsters. This leads us to the other reason, and that is that nothing at this university ever seems to make total sense. Perfect example: a few weeks ago, there was a line outside DP Dough’s door on a Thursday afternoon. We are told that at the start of this line was free calzones. But let us not forget, not a single one of these students in line was intoxicated at the time. Newark, what are you doing? The Dorm Destruction Theory: Nature could be revolting against UD in violent
attempts to forcefully tear down Dickinson and Rodney. As we all know, rumors have been circulating since 1743 regarding the inevitable destruction of these awful freshmen dorms. Each year when students return to campus, they wonder in puzzlement why those buildings are still standing. Perhaps even more confused are the new freshmen who didn’t even know UD had a West Campus (it’s okay, none of us did). At this point, Mother Nature is weeping for the poor souls who have to live there each year. But it’s not these tears that we experience on Tuesdays, it’s a violent storm that has been sent to try and rescue future Baby Blue Hens from suffering the fate of living in those dorms. The Kirkbride Jesus Theory: Kirkbride Jesus has actually succeeded in channeling his stormy rants against all of us into an actual weekly storm. He is clearly attempting to drown all of us in an effort
Domecoming: An Oral History By: Mix Cox
Here she blows! Did you know that that term originated here at the University of Delaware? Well it did, it was coined three years ago at the 2011 homecoming, when the first ever fellatio mignon was performed on Delaware’s football field during halftime. We’re equally excited about this year as you are, but we are concerned that Domecoming has become a conspiracy of sorts.
to get us off of planet earth and into Hell as soon as possible. His impassioned hatred for everything college is made crystal clear through his constant criticisms of everything we do. In his eyes, not only is premarital sexy time an ultimate gateway to hell, but daring to breathe up any of the air that the more religious elite need is grounds for condemnation as well. Does this seem a bit extreme to you? Actually sit and listen to one of his lectures for more than thirty seconds and you will be sure to agree on the likelihood of this theory. The Magic Townie Theory: The last and possibly most accurate theory is that townies are, in fact, witches. Let’s face it, townies are easily spotted (and avoided) ing to stop it from happening. Cockpit was sprawled over the scoreboard, and under it, sponsored by the Department of Anatomy Research again. Why is the Department of Anatomy Research funding this oral extravaganza? Read on, friends.
The brief history of Domecoming’s origin still seemed a bit confusing to us. We started by looking into the fellatio mignon, performed at 2011 homecoming game at halftime. What happened was extraordinary, the university sanctioned a marriage proposal for an alumni couple, James and Judi during halftime. They kissed, and it was lovely, until they kissed and kissed some more and Judi eventually went down on James in front of thousands. Everybody roared with excitement, chanting “Here she blows!” while YoUDee nervously tried to break the couple up. Some claim they saw the act coming, as right under the “Will you marry me, Judi?” the scoreboard displayed an advertisement for the “Department of Anatomy Research,” a department no one at The Black Sheep was aware of.
The fact that the Department of Anatomy Research is sponsoring this stinks to high heaven. We sent Lindsay Chao to investigate. There’s a guy who walks around Main Street, you might know him, he is rather short and is always talking on the phone with Dre Beats around his neck. Turns out, he knows a little bit about this campus, and where to find the Department of Anatomy Research. “I’ll tell you if you flash me your tits… eh, what do I care, it’s in the woman’s bathroom in Memorial Hall, first floor, 3rd stall on the right, flush the handle twice.” Lindsay Chao found the bathroom, and went into the 3rd stall on the right. Drawn on the stall wall was a two stick figures 69ing, she was in the right place. She flushed twice, and the back wall opened up to what appeared to be a dimly lit, blue laboratory. Emerged from a darkness was a stoic looking man in a lab coat. He had brown hair, a wrinkled forehead, and spoke in a German accent.
The same thing happened in 2012, when the University sought to honor the tradition of our mascot by holding an open adoption for hens, chickens and roosters on the field during halftime. They called it the halftime “Cockpit.” However, at least a hundred people stormed the field and instead of adopting all the little baby chickens, they ferociously performed oral sex on each other as YoUDee ran around like a literal chicken with his head cut off try-
Lindsay asked his name and questioned the location of the Department of Anatomy Research. “My name is Dr. Hugo, I have been working this hidden laboratory for five years, it used to be a viewing room for President Harker, so he could see his favorite students go number 1, 2, and 3… and 4… Like him, I have a passion of my own.” Lindsay sensed some uncomfortable vibes coming from him, but persisted with questioning him on his passion.
on campus because of their sketchy-looking appearances. Anyone who has spent winter or summer in Newark can attest to the horrors of a townie takeover on campus. Basically, no students are safe, which is what prompts this theory that townies are actually guilty of witchcraft. Now, the Salem Witch Trials may be long over, but has a Newark Witch Trial ever been discounted? We don’t think so. These are just a few of our theories. It could be anything, maybe a monstereqsue creature in the style of Lost. If you have any theories of your own, we suggest you publicly broadcast them to everyone perched atop Kirkbride Jesus’s domain. Good luck with that.
“My passion is simple, ever since I’ve been here I’ve noticed the dwindling of oral sex. It’s so sad, so, so sad. Men complained about teeth too much that girls didn’t like it if they couldn’t please them, plus girls complained about the ball stench. It was a vicious circle, and it eradicated oral sex. It’s like students forget it even exists. I told this to Harker, and he hired me on the spot, five years ago. I began working on a project, called Domecoming, which would bring this long lost art back to the campus.” It worked too, look at 2011 and 2012, but we wondered what he had planned for this year’s homecoming halftime, so Lindsay asked him. He smiled eerily, and began tapping the tips of his fingers together in excitement. “It’s going to change the university forever. It is called the Human Millipede. The inner circle consists of 100 people, they will be facing outwards and their hands will be bound by Chinese finger traps. The outer circle consists of 100 people...” [Dr. Hugo has petitioned to not let us print the rest so as to not ruin the surprise, but also our editor puked on his keyboard while reading his plan]. “A masterpiece, it is. And we will do it before the game.” Dr. Hugo let out a shrieking fit of laughter. Lindsay ran home and showered three times. Well, that explains the mystery of Domecoming. You have every right to be as freaked out as we are. Go into the weekend with an open mind and an open mouth, because you really have no clue what will come out of it. The Black Sheep and Dr. Hugo are watching you, making sure you have a good time. This article is sponsored by the Department of Anatomy Research.
Guess the Guttenberg
Movie List:
Each box features the handsome steve guttenberg in one of his many blockbuster films. do you know which movie each box is from?
Police Academy • Cocoon • It Takes Two • Three Men and a Baby • The Big Green Poseidon Adventure • Short Circuit • The Boyfriend Club • Tower of Terror
Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com the first right answer gets a prize!
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Challenged Mentally: Street Smarts vs. Book Smarts By: Mike Cox College is the time for most of us to realize whether we’re dumb or smart. But what is being dumb or being smart? Being mentally challenged could just mean having difficulty figuring out a math problem. You are challenged mentally, in your mind. Thus we are going to speak about how book smart and street smart people react when they are challenged mentally. We’ll throw some situations at you. You will decide whether you are Street Smart or Book Smart. The Black Sheep will decide who reigns supreme.
BS v SS: Roommate Sex:
Its 9 p.m. and you go to sleep because you’re a pussy. You’re hitting rapid eye movement (REM), when you are awoken by some squishy clapping noise and fishy smells. It’s 1 o’clock and your roommate is pounding out like there is no tomorrow, let’s call this rapid cock movement (RCM). Now, your reactions are the deciding factor as to whether you are book smart or street smart. If you lay there and breathe like you’re sleeping, but really can’t go back to sleep because sex is so traumatizing to you, you’re book smart. If you open a book and start to read, you’re book smart. If you decide this is the time to man up and start to crank one out, you’re street smart. It’s FREE PORN ya dingus! Book smart people, you are disturbed by this, and think it is a terrible idea, but you’re actually dumb in this case, because the street smart people thought a couple moves ahead. What roommate will ever bring a girl back to a room where a creepy roommate will inevitable rub one out to them? Street Smarts: 1, Book Smarts: 0.
BS v SS: Paying the Tip:
You’re with your friends, and you decide to fat-ass it at Klondike Kate’s with half-priced nachos. There are 6 of you, and you are all paying separately. You guys know the deal with paying separately, it blows a fat one. Sometimes you want to rip your friends’ heads off because of how quickly they turn stupid. One has his card out, the other has cash in her hand, the other an OCMP card. They’re all wide-eyed staring at each other panicking, because this is the most frustrating situation they’ve been in all week. If you get up and strategically takes a piss when the check is handed out, you’re street smart. Not only do you avoid having to pay, but you avoid the stress of having to deal with 5 other idiots waving plastic and paper. If you realize everyone here is too challenged mentally to pay one check, you’re book smart. You also want to hit the street smart guy where it hurts. So you tell the waitress to get separate checks, so when the street smart douche comes back from the bathroom and says “Yo I’ll get whoever paid back next time, thanks brah.” You, being the street smart guy, thrust his own personalized check in his face, “separate checks mothafucka!” Tie game. Book Smarts: 1, Street Smarts: 1.
BS v SS: Farting in Class:
It’s a hot day out, you’re in your class, and you have the beer shits or have gas from the DP Dough you ate the night before, you worthless piece of shit. You have to fart so bad that it’s hurting you; you have to loosen your belt. If you wait for pockets of loud voices or clapping so you can let it out, you’re book smart. That makes sense – people won’t hear your fart and thus not know where it’s coming from. If you get up to get a drink and
cropdust the entire classroom, thus adding mass confusion to the “Ye who smelt it dealt it” proof, you’re street smart. Believe it or not, people’s noses are pretty strong and can usually sense where ground zero is located for that nasty egg juice you just dropped. Trail that fart across the classroom and no one will expect you — who can walk and squidge fart out at the same time!? Street smarts wins this round: Book Smarts: 1, Street Smarts: 2 So there you have it folks. While you might ace all your tests and have mastered the art of bill paying, you’re still stinking up the class and laying helplessly by while your roommate sexes up your room. If you need to know whether you’re book smart or street smart in given situations, tweet your questions at @BlackSheep_UD and we’ll tell you!
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fashion Pieces ACROSS 3) The film Flashdance made them popular, two words. 5) Super ugly, comfortable shoes. 6) Zip-up or pullover, everyone owns a favorite one of these. 7) Decorative button to fasten the cuff of a dress shirt. 9) This one piece suit makes using the bathroom difficult. 10) Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the what? 11) These type of slip-on female shoes will make your feet sweat. 12) Terribly blends together two bottoms. 15) Girls wear them as pants all the time. 17) This trendy type of dress covers the whole body. 18) Working class men originated this fashion piece. DOWN 1) Popular trousers in the 60s and 70s, two words.
2) The husband will take this off his bridge at the wedding, tossing it into the crowd. 4) Keeps your little hearing vessels warm. 8) Pleated, Scottish skirt. 13) Ashton Kutcher popularized this accessory in the 2000s, two words. 14) If you wear a top and bottom of this fabric, you’re wearing a Canadian tuxedo. 16) Hippies wear this kind of jewelry, man.
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