The Black Sheep
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Vol.5, Issue 3
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/3/13 - 10/16/13
UD Junior reaches new low BY: Shannon Poulsen Junior Mindy West hit a new low last Tuesday after drinking wine and eating mac and cheese at 11:30 a.m.. Friends and family are concerned for her spiral into a pitiful pattern of behavior. West came home from a late night hook-up with her “boyfriend”, Chris Mayer, and immediately changed into a towel to shower. She then sat in her dirty living room because one of her roommates took the shower. Roommate Mary Taft contacted The Black Sheep hoping that publicity would shake West’s new pattern of behavior. “I don’t even know what’s going on with her anymore. After I asked her where she was, she just stared me down while devouring four ice cream sandwiches! Please draw attention to this because like, it isn’t normal.” said Taft. The source of West’s strange behavior is not currently known. Some think it’s her disorganized love life mixed with a challenging semester of work. Some hypothesize that West has been headed down this path of instability for a long time. Others think that what she’s doing is completely normal and we should “LEAVE HER ALONE!” West’s social media accounts share her perspective on how her life is unfolding. Her twitter feed reveals her loss of sanity. “@mindaaaywest: help lost on campus” “@mindaaaywest: exploded a baked potato in the microwave” “@mindaaaywest: hugged a freshmen and apologized for the schmacked hate. crying” “@mindaaaywest: can’t get myself to download iOS 7 bcz why” West is heavily involved in clubs around campus and her academic records provide that she has a 3.75 GPA, which would not indicate any emotional or mental instability. However, measured by The Black Sheep’s test of “Have you crossed the line between ‘forgivable in college’ and ‘no ur actually nutz’?” West shows signs of problems. Indications of problems include: purposefully ignoring personal hygiene, eating ramen specifically for the taste and nourishment, sticking around the morning after a hook-up, and showing up to everything forty minutes late. West does not feel that she is currently spiraling down a dark path.
page 4 Man Uses Psychology to Explain his Lack of Companionship whatever makes you feel better, man.
“What I’m doing is totally normal. People get stressed and punch shit a lot! It’s not abnormal. So what if I drank excessively by myself last night? So what if I get really particular about how to clean the dishes and bitch at my roommates? Everyone just needs to let me calm down” said West, storming into our office after being contacted for contact. Most concerned for West is her family. “We haven’t heard from Mindy in over a month! The last time we spoke, she told us that she was ‘fine’ and just needed to get grad school paid for somehow. She then yelled that her dream was to be a professional comedian but we’re squashing her dreams! What is that?!” said her mother Laura West.
Other friends of West are arguing that this is not a new low. “If you think this is a low, you should have been reporting during prom. And during college move in. And during the fraternity formal time. And the time she had a crush on her RA. And the time she left her phone in a puddle on South College. And whenever she’s sitting in her 100-level history class. That’s a fun one to watch her come out of” said gossipy ex-friend Alexa Montez. Updates on West’s actions and sanity levels will be released post-article. It is predicted though that West will never admit to her crazy attitudes and carry on as if nothing has changed.
page 7 Top 10: Worst Pregame Situations Just when you thought pre-gaming was always a win-win situation.
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page 13 Suspected Theories of Newark Rainy Tuesdays Maybe it’s like the Monday Blues but Newark’s just confused?