Vol.5, Issue 4
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
fr you ee...l r d ike run the mic k self lefto row lef ver ave t in s the .
10/17/13 - 10/30/13
Where’s Waldo of UD Campus BY: Carolyn Beatty There are certain people at UD that everyone gets exceptionally excited to see on campus. Each elicits a crazed flood of Facebook and Twitter updates to the tune of “like, omg… emotions” when spotted on campus. Finding one of these treasures makes one feel so powerful, it can be dangerous. Be careful when locating them. Their rarity is truly remarkable. They are the Where’s Waldos of UD, and they are beautiful.
President Harker:
The man, the myth, and the legend himself, President Harker makes the top of this list for many reasons. One reason being so few people know what he actually looks like. For those elite few who do know, there is an exceptional thrill of knowing you’re standing near the boss himself. Of course, a lot of this excitement stems from pretending that the real President Harker possesses the same persona as the parody Twitter account of “HarkSauce McBoss.” Either way, holding the door for him in Perkins and hearing him mutter a deep “thank you” may easily be one of your greatest moments at this university.
Techno Bus Driver:
The Techno Bus Driver may not warrant the same “exclusive” thrill as Harker because everyone knows what he looks like. Still, his impromptu appearances at dages and other events warrant the same extreme reactions as our fearless leader Prez Harker. It is so satisfying to see his bizarre technicolor dreamcoat, you can only desire to see his closet and be his best friend. It never gets old.
Miss Diana:
The only person (at least that we know of) named Dining Employee of the Year, Miss Diana is the absolute shit. She is not that hard to find, but her location deters many away: the Rodney Dining Hall. If you’ve avoided Rodney Dining Hall and its accurately described horrendous food, you’re missing out. Sure, you’re avoiding contracting some kind of virus, but you’re preventing yourself from seeing this sparkling beacon of hope every day. No matter what, Miss Diana is
page 4 Man Successfully Fakes Being in a Fake A Cappella Group Singin’ in the pain is rather aka-awkward.
always there to offer a smile, some friendly advice, or much-needed stories regarding her ever-changing weave. All UD students are always miserable, but for the precious few minutes that Miss Diana is in your life, the woes of the world tend to slip away.
Baby Blue:
Surprised that Baby Blue made the list and YoUDee didn’t? You shouldn’t be. YoUDee is known to appear at almost any universitysponsored function, thus eliminating the thrill of the unknown. Baby Blue on the other hand is the mistress of sass and shows up to what-
ever functions she damn well pleases. Basically, this mini-mascot is fabulous and everyone knows it. What other mascot would warrant its own hatching party for the entire student body, during which it ceremoniously broke through her papier-mache egg? Really. This was an actual event that people really attended. Thus, this little birdy wraps up the list of UD’s greatest Where’s Waldoesque figures with a z-snap and a peace sign. We hope the list expands, because everyone listed brings joy to any rainy Newark day.
pages 10-11 The Black Sheep Interviews: Steve-O We chat with the infamous funny man about nut shots and YouTube.
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page 15 Student who put up hammock, smartest on campus UD’s genius was identified as guy who hung around on a hammock all day.
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Man Successfully Fakes Being in Fake A Cappella Group By: Matt Roarty University of Delaware senior Mark Griswold, a well-loved member of the community, revealed in an open letter that he was not, as many believed, a member of renowned campus a cappella group, The Mazel Tones. In fact, reports show that The Mazel Tones are not a real a cappella group at all. “I apologize for deceiving so many. I see now that my actions were wrong,” wrote the now-disgraced student. Griswold reportedly started taking vocal lessons at age seven for the express purpose of tricking others into thinking he was a talented singer. “Why would someone lie about something so stupid?” asked fellow senior Harriet Myers. “What else don’t I know about him?” Freshman Aaron Stein, who believed he was a member of the fictional singing troupe, was also stunned. “I tried out earlier this year. I was so happy that I got in. But I guess none of it was real,” said Stein about the group, which had performed a dozen times in the three years since Griswold fraudulently applied for RSO status. Junior Kelsey Brown spoke for many when she said she felt cheated and hurt. “I thought I was getting the authentic a cappella experience, but it was just some phony charging ten bucks instead. I’m a college student, you know. I’m not majoring in ‘making-money-magically-appear’” said Brown. Brown attended her first Mazel Tones show freshman year, which she told her roommate was “so good” and “worth it – you should definitely go sometime.” The university released a statement saying it was “dismayed at the
actions of Mr. Griswold,” and would stop displaying the trophies that The Mazel Tones had won at various regional competitions. It also apologized to the Jewish community for allowing a group that was not Jewish to represent itself as such. “Mr. Griswold has appropriated the name of a religious group for his own selfish gains, something that is indefensible” said UD Hillel member Daniel Rebb. Griswold began attending services at a local synagogue five years ago, which he says began after he came up with the name for the a cappella group. “I’d like to apologize to the Jewish people, and especially Rabbi Cohen,” wrote Griswold, who studied the faith for five years preparing for his fake conversion, which culminated in him receiving a circumcision. Ben Folds, popular singer and judge of NBC’s The Sing-Off, expressed similar levels of outrage. “When The Mazel Tones performed on The Sing-Off last year, they violated not only their contractual obligations to NBC, but the trust of their fellow performers, the judges, and the audience,” said Folds, who, along with judges Shawn Stockman and Sara Bareilles, had voted The Mazel Tones into the final round of the competition. “It’s going to be hard to go back and watch those episodes, knowing The Mazel Tones weren’t even a real a cappella group. Those tears on my face when Mark hit the high note on Queen’s ‘Somebody to Love?’ They felt so real at the time, and yet they were nothing but lies.” The Mazel Tones finished second overall but had to rescind their place-
ment due to the fact they are not actually real. When asked by The Black Sheep why he would go to such great lengths to disguise his deception, Griswold replied, “I guess I just wanted people to like me. Everyone likes people in a cappella groups.”
COLLEGE NIGHT Every Tuesday | All Day, All Night
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Around campus Send us your party pics to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets If you were sent back to the 1700, what modernday item would you bring with you? Tia H.
“A key to unlock my shackles.”
Keith D.
“Condoms so I won’t have a kid three-hundred years older than me.”
Matt R.
“A Furby ‘cause that shit would freak them out. That’s what I want.”
06
The
Top
Ten
Most Common People You See at a UD Frat Party By: Chase Karpus
Whether you’re in Greek life or not, we’ve all seen those that are too frat to care. The Black Sheep have compiled a list of the most common people you’ll see at a frat party here at UD. Make it a scavenger hunt with your friends and you’ll instantly add a splash of fun to leaning on the damp walls of a Greek basement.
THIRSTY FOR SOME GOOD TIMES? VISIT 160 S. MAIN ST. QUIZZO WEDNESDAYS from 8-11pm
$3 Three Olives Drinks $10 Bud and Bud Light Buckets Over $100 up for grabs every week!
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HAPPY HOUR MONDAY-FRIDAY from 4-7pm
Half off ALL appetizers $3 MVP Signature Drinks Cornhole, Waterpong, and Hookas available on the deck! 10.) The Mature One: You can see him with loafers, gabardines, and a conservative button down because he dresses “young professional.” This marketing major’s better-than-this-beer attitude holds the most pretentious ideals ever despite still requesting early Dave Matthews Band songs and incorrectly correcting people’s grammar. 9.) The Philosopher: Mention post-graduation and a guy who got a C in “Intro to Philosophy” starts telling you that no matter what happens, we’re all just specs in the galaxy. Slowly back away and he’ll just keep talking to himself. 8.) The Conversationalist: You don’t really know him but you always end up somewhere conversing for about twenty minutes. Your only hope is to pawn them off on some other drunk who doesn’t want to talk about whatever ridiculous “fratty” t-shirt company he wants to start. It’s a never ending cycle. Find a way out. 7.) The Complainer: This guy will compares parties to that time he went down south to his cousin’s college. That school had more beer and was nothing but smoke-shows as far as you could see. He even got a handjob in the bathroom. It was “better than anyone at UD can imagine,” and trust us, he will always remind you of it. 6.) The Predator: 95% of the time these people don’t even go to UD. Nevertheless, you can see him in the corner scoping out the situation. There is one reason for him to be here: to lay pipe, and you can be sure he’s going to find the drunkest, sloppiest girl at the party and take her home. 5.) Way Too Drunk: They start off being fun and rowdy, and soon enough, they’re a drink away from a medical emergency. They persevere, and somehow make it to the post-game. Yes, they probably threw up on Cleveland and ruined a few relationships, but hey, shit happens. 4.) The Self-Proclaimed “DJ”: The “DJ” promises they have the greatest song in the world on their phone, even though no one asked them. A guy “DJ” will play “Red Solo Cup” remixes for two hours straight before people finally notice. 3.) The Asshole: The asshole will do “helpful” things like point out that your clothes are terrible, or that you just did something incredibly embarrassing. They exude the same self-esteem and confidence that most pop stars would think is too far. But fake it ‘til you make it and you can become a hated asshole too. 2.) The Groupie: Here’s a scenario: you’re a new brother at a party and some girl approaches you. She proceeds to stick her tongue down your throat. She’s a groupie, but might as well be an incestual brother. 1.) The Too Fratty Guy: You’ll see this guy sporting nothing but the southernest of brands. But do you know what’s cooler than a light pink Polo shirt, “iguana” green pants, and croakies? Literally anything. The Black Sheep would like to remind these guys that we are at the University of Delaware, not Alabama. Mason-Dixon Line arguments don’t apply.
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SPECIAL NIGHT
Everyday! $3 12oz beers, $5 off hookah with purchase of 2 entrees
THURSDAY: Bacon Bar from 4 to Close Pork pork and more pork!
EVERYDAY: $3 Captain Morgan Drinks and $5 Bombs!
THURSDAY
Free upgrade to a fruit head hookah with the purchase of two entrees
$2.50 Shots, $4 Mojitos and Margaritas Bacon Bar from 4 to Close Pork pork and more pork!
All You Can Eat Wings (5PM - close) $2 Rail Drinks (all day)
FRIDAY SATURDAY
$5 Long Island Ice Teas
$3 All 12oz Beer
House Music w/ DJ Andrew Hugh and Silent Disco 12AM-1AM
$3.50 22oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light, $4.99 22oz Stella or Blue Moon $1.99 Mug Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite, Yuengling
$5.50 Pitchers of Miller Lite, Coors Light, or Yuengling, $5 House Margaritas 8-close
$3 Coronas
$5 All Bombs, All Day, Everyday Epic Sound DJs NO COVER!
Happy Hour 3pm - 7pm: $2 16oz domestic drafts, $3 22oz domestic drafts, $2 rail drinks, 1/2 price glasses of house wine 3pm - 6pm: $5 selected appetizers
$3 Glasses of Sangria
$3 Captain Morgan Drinks, All Day, Everyday Live Local Music! No Cover (w/ student id)
Football Specials 11-7: $3.50 22oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light, $4.99 22oz Stella or Blue Moon, $1.99 Mug Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite, Yuengling, $3 Pinnacle drinks 8-close All Day Football Specials! $3.50 22oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light, $4.99 22oz Stella or Blue Moon $1.99 Mug Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite, Yuengling
SUNDAY
Free appetizer with purchase of 2 entrees
$3 Mimosas Brunch 10-3
Sunday Funday w/ Brunch (9AM-2PM) $4 Make Your Own Bloody Mary Bar Chorduroy Live, No Cover
MONDAY
$3 12oz Dogfish Head, Free $5 appetizer with purchase of two entrees
$15 Pitchers of Sangria
1/2 Price Pizzas All Day $5 Off Big Beer Bottles Showtime Trivia at 8:30PM
$3 Off All Burgers Happy Hour Drink Prices 3-close
$2 Draft Beer
1/2 Price Burgers All Day $4 Double Long Island Iced Tea Jefe and DJ Andrew Hugh Live NO COVER
Kids eat free all day with the purchase of an adult entrée! Trivia with your chance to win $20, $30, or $50 in Turtle Bucks $5 House Long Island Iced Teas, $3 Corona or Corona Lights 8-Close
$4 Captain Morgans, $4 Jack Daniels
1/2 Price Nachos and Quesadillas All Day $10 Pitchers of Long Island Iced Tea Karaoke!
TUESDAY WEDNESDAY
$5 off hookah with purchase of 2 entrees
$3 12oz Blue Moon
Live Music! 10/9 Barely Rarely, 10/16 James & Mat $5 Selected Appetizers 3-close $3 Bottles of Dogfish 90, Anchor Steam, Sierra Nevada, Heavy Seas Loose Cannon, Hop City Barking Squirrel, Flying Dog Raging Bitch, $5 Cruzan Mojitos 8-close
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@THEBLACKSHEEPUD Scan to go right to the page! The Bar Grid
EVERYDAY! $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
Happy Hour! Monday - Thursday, 6 - 8pm 1/2 Price Apps, 22oz Draft Specials, $3 Beer of the Month Pints
Everyday! $2 Bud Light Pint $3 Bud Light 25oz Mugs Happy Hour 4-7: $3 Drink Specials and ½ Price Apps
$2.50 coors light all day, every day!
$3 22oz Bud Light All Day, Every Day!
ALL DAY, EVERY DAY! $2.50 Bud Light Bottles $2.50 Miller Lite Bottles, $4.50 RBVs
SPECIAL NIGHT
DJ Gaetano! $5 Monster Energy and Vodka, $3 Blue Moon Pints, $3 25oz Coors Lights $4 Tall Svedkas
$5 Craic Nachos, $2 Rail Pints, $5 Bomb Drinks and Car Bombs, $5 Irish Trash Cans DJ Dance Party w/ DJ Collision 10pm
1/2 Price Wings, DJ Kevin Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
Football! 35% off orders of 10 Wings and Lg Pizzas, $14 128oz Bud Light Towers
$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Hapy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light
THURS.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
Newark’s Best Happy Hour 6-8pm $2 Drafts, 1/2 Price Apps $3 Pinnacle Drinks, $3 Blue Moon Bottles, DJ Collision House Mix Dance Party 10pm
1/2 Price Salads 11am-4pm, Seafood Night, DJ Nii Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $4 Long Island Ice Teas, $4 Fireball and Blue Ball Shots
Live Music from Acoustic Seven 8-11 ½ price breadsticks and cheese sticks 35% off Wings, $10 Coors Light Buckets, $2 Yuengling Bottles
College Night! FREE Happy Hour Carving Station $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts $3 Rail Drinks, SoCo Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy
FRI.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
EPL Soccer, $3 Carlsberg All Day! Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar til 3pm DJ Infamos 9pm - 1am $4 Red Bull & Vodka Drinks, $3 Fireball Shots
Brunch 11am - 2pm, Live DJ 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Washington Apples
Football! 35% off orders of 10 Wings and Lg Pizzas, $14 128oz Bud Light Towers
Chef's Special! DJ 9pm $2.50 Coors Light
SAT.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
All You Can Eat Crab Legs $19.99 $3 Big Arse 22oz Bud Light, $3 Call Drinks, $3 Coronas, $0.35 Wings (During Eagles Games)
Brunch 10am - 2pm, 1/2 Price Entrees 4pm - 10pm, 1/2 Price Apps 9pm - Close 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Rails
Football! 35% off orders of 10 Wings and Lg Pizzas, $14 128oz Bud Light Towers
All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $18.99 $2.50 Coors Light
SUN.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Leinenkugel Pints
Wing Night! $0.35 Wings Pub Quiz! 9pm - 12am $3 22oz Yuengling Pints, $2 Rail Pints
1/2 Price Burgers, Salsa Night Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Rails, $4 Fireball Shots
Football! 35% off orders of 10 Wings and Lg Pizzas, $14 128oz Bud Light Towers
$6 Nacho Night! Seafood, Taco, Supreme, Chicken or Pulled Pork $2.50 Coors Light
MON.
College Night! $2 Single You-Call-Its $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
Burger Night! $5 1/2lb. Burgers Karaoke Dance Party at 10pm $3 16oz Long Island Iced Tea $2 Bud Light Pints
1/2 Price Nachos, Quizzo Tuesday Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
Tini Tuesday! $5 for 1 of 2 Creations from the bartender
$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $2.50 Coors Light
TUES.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Weinhard's IPA
Pub Pong at 9pm $5 Flatbreads, $2 Pinnacle Flavors, $3 Fireball Shots, $1 Miller Lite Live Entertainment! Victoria Watts 10/23, DJ Bitz 10/30
1/2 Price Sandwiches and Salads, 1/2 Price Appetizers 9-close, Live Music Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Blue Moon, $3 Captain Drinks
Quizzo 8-11 $10 Bud Light Buckets $3 Three Olives Vodka Drinks (You Call It)
Salsa Lessons 8:30 pm - 9:30 pm Dancing until 1am! Half Price Burgers! $5 1/2 Lbs. Burger + Side!
WED.
The Black Sheep Interviews
Steve-O
“I don’t know that one guy stands out when it comes to nut shots.”
By: Tim Mackey The Black Sheep recently caught up with Steve-O on his national standup tour. Channeling our eighth-grade selves jumping off garages and lighting tennis balls on fire, we asked him every question we could possibly think of while holding back the strange urge to have him smash something over our crotch. He’s reinvigorated and risen from the ashes, so make sure to check out his new Youtube channel and follow him on Twitter, @SteveO.
The Black Sheep: How’d you originally end up working with the guys from Jackass? Steve-O: There was a skateboarding magazine back in the day called Big Brother, which was little more than a bad influence on kids. I loved it; it was really just the greatest magazine ever. I was in the magazine and the videos. The guy in charge of the operation reached out to Spike Jonze at one point and said “Hey man, everybody loves our videos, but no one cares about the skateboarding. I think if we subtract all of the skateboarding then what’s leftover would be a great TV show.” And when you took out the skateboarding, what you had left was me and Knoxville, and Wee Man, and Chris Pontius — and Bam was making a similar kind of video on the east coast — so we kinda merged camps, the Big Brother guys and the CKY guys and that was sort of how we all came together. TBS: For Jackass 3D you were completely sober. Is there a stunt from the past that you couldn’t have done sober? S: I should say I don’t know if I ever did stunts because I was wasted. I think I’ve always done stunts because I’m an attention whore. Getting sober hasn’t really changed that at all. But there was some particularly reckless stuff, one that comes to mind was being strangled unconscious six times in a row. TBS: By who? S: Ryan Dunn did that. We were on tour in England back in 2003, and Ryan Dunn choked me out six times in a row. Yeah, it was all on camera if you just go on Youtube and type “Steve-O Chokes” you can find it. Another one was on a three-day bender when I jumped out of an airplane with no parachute into the ocean. That one wasn’t so easy.
TBS: How many years until Johnny looks like Irving Zisman? S: I don’t know man, (laughs) I don’t know. TBS: How do you feel about having popularized the national phenomenon of butt-chugging? S: Oh man, that is… I am incredibly honored for that. It’s incredible. Knoxville sent me this video about a press conference. There were some college frat kids butt-chugging and there was some kind of outrage about it. It was the funniest fucking thing ever. I think they even called it “buttchugging,” I’m pretty sure I coined that term itself. TBS: You’re known as one of the guys who does the most intense stunts, but which member of the Jackass crew grew the most in their willingness to do horrible things to their body over time? S: I don’t know, man. We all seem to have our different strengths, it’s kind of a “apples and oranges” question. Whenever no one is willing to do something at all, then the idea trickles down to Danger Ehren. He would be at the top of the pile when it comes to willingness, that’s kinda due to his exceptionally low IQ. TBS: In Wildboyz you got a hotdog whipped from your butt with a bull whip and got your ass stung multiple times by an African emperor scorpion, with that in mind, what is the most painful stunt you’ve done? S: Oh god, I hate that question. It’s all just so subjective, man. Pain just has different criteria, the duration of the pain is an issue. While electrocution hurts more than other stuff, it’s quicker. I hate that question.
TBS: Which Jackass team member is most willing to take blows to the nuts? S: I don’t know that any of us are really psyched about it… We each have our own separate strengths when it comes to doing stupid things. But I don’t know that one guy stands out when it comes to nut shots.
have no delusions about that. I love the saying you know “the alcohol bones connected to the weed bone, the weed bone’s connected to the cocaine bone” and so on…
any half-assed ideas. So my immediate response to him was “Oh yeah, how about if I get me tattooed on me, larger than me?” My face on my back is way bigger than my face.
TBS: Did you like being on Dancing with the Stars and hosting Killer Karaoke? Or was it just something to do? S: I, uh, Dancing with the Stars I really did enjoy a lot, Killer Karaoke had its moments. I, uh… but yeah neither of those two were my favorite.
TBS: You got a tattoo in January of Santa Claus crucified on your arm. Do you have a favorite tattoo? S: I like ShitFuck on my knuckles. I really do. Really because I’m quite proud of having carved out a place in my life that having profanities tattooed on my knuckles doesn’t hold me back. I’ve had ‘em… It’s been about exactly 10 years since I got ShitFuck tattooed on my hands.
TBS: Either in your career or not, what was the best moment in your life so far? S: I’m so jazzed about my new Youtube channel. I would say that the Youtube channel is the exact opposite of Dancing with the Stars and Killer Karaoke. I get to do what I think is fucking awesome and it’s such a treat and a joy. TBS: How long did it take you to heal from the mighty fist of Mike Tyson? S: Eh, pretty quick. I had two black eyes for a while there. I didn’t notice how long it took my nose to heal because this weird kung fu instructor guy set it straight right after it happened. I’d say like three weeks I was in pretty good shape.
TBS: Is there anyone that won’t ever do them? S: No, we all do them, but we have considerable… I don’t want to say reluctance because we all do it. I mean we all do it, but we dread it.
TBS: What can people expect to see on your tour this year? S: It’s filthy comedy and silly physical tricks. I think what makes my comedy unique and worthwhile is A: I’m absolutely shameless. And B: I’m rigorously honest. So if I tell a story you can damn well believe that it happened. And just judging by how shameless I am you can expect the stories to be incredibly juicy and revealing. You know I’ve been doing stand up for a long time and I’m really finding my voice and that’s exciting. People are really coming out and enjoying the show and that means a lot to me.
TBS: A lot of the guys, if they were afraid of snakes or spiders, then that’s the stunt they would do. What was your ‘phobia’? S: I hate roller coasters, which is why I was the perfect candidate for the poo potty. I mean I hate snakes too, I really do, but uh I don’t know if... Yeah like that one thing, I mean certainly rollercoasters are a big thing.
TBS: Looking at Johnny Knoxville, he seems to have aged more in the last 10 years than most people age in 30. How do you think you’ve managed to stay young-looking? S: (Laughs) Wow, I’ll take that as a compliment. I feel like I’ve aged pretty heavily as well, but if I guess if I were to agree with you then I’d have to blame that on healthy living. I quit smoking cigarettes and stopped doing drugs and drinking alcohol and I became a vegan. I exercise and stuff, surfing’s a big one.
TBS: Is it that falling feeling? S: It’s more like not being in control, like I can jump off of shit pretty easily. It’s like with bungee jumping when I’m looking off a bridge, I spent my life kinda jumping off of stuff so much, so I know heights pretty well. I don’t care what’s tied to me, when I look off something that’s 300 feet high, I usually know not to jump so it’s hard to get past that instinct. I mean I had no problem jumping off the tower of London, which is like the tallest thing I’ve ever jumped off of. TBS: You’ve been sober now for five and a half years, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing. So what’s you’re favorite drug to not do? S: I mean… I don’t know how to answer that. I uh… I mean the reality is that if I pick up any drink or drug in short order I’ll be on everything again. I
TBS: I’m telling readers to subscribe immediately to your blog because it’s honestly awesome. What can they expect to see you do on it in the future? S: I don’t know, I don’t want to give up any ideas, but I’m finishing up a lie detector bit. I don’t even know how it’s gonna come out. I got Knoxville to come up a list of hilarious and uncomfortable questions for me to answer while attached to a lie detector test. I don’t know what the questions are, but I imagine they’re gonna be pretty fucking terrible.
TBS: Your giant back tattoo, what was the situation where that was done? Did you wake up and it was there or what? S: We were preparing to shoot the first Jackass movie and Jeff Tremaine said “Hey, don’t waste our time with any half-assed ideas because now this isn’t a TV show anymore, it’s a movie.” And I kinda took offense to the notion that I would suggest
TBS: Anything else we should know? S: At the end of every one of my shows, when I walk off stage I never do anything or go anywhere until I take a photo with anyone who wants one, and lots of times people have things they want to ask me or show me. And everybody gets a chance to do that. I stick around until the bitter end, ‘til everyone who wants one gets a photo. I don’t really know of anybody who does that. And it proves to me to be a lot harder of a job to do that than the show itself. I stay committed to that though, because I want to make it a special experience for the fans who are committed to that. Make sure to read the extended interview online at theblacksheeponline.com!
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: In a relationship Favorite Drink: A Swedish Fish Favorite Shot: Skill Bomb Disgusting Drink: A Duck Fart, because it smells gross Who’s the sexiest comic book character?: The Hulk What is the silliest thing you’ve cried about?: My sister’s balloon popping What is the last thing you’ve cooked or baked in an oven?: Stuffed shells
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What do you think to yourself when you see a person with a flip cell phone?: “Really???” Would you rather have a hornless unicorn, or a horse with a horn?: Horse with a horn, what’s the point to a hornless unicorn? How do you look yourself in the mirror eye day after what you’ve done?: I haven’t done anything wrong, I do good things. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Because I’m in it.
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Student who put up hammock on Green celebrated as
Smartest Person on Campus By: Dillon McLaughlin Last Wednesday, sophomore environmental engineering major Samuel Joyce hung a hammock between two trees outside Morris Library. Immediately following the hammock’s installation, word of Joyce’s intelligence spread like wildfire and prompted students to pour onto the South Green to marvel at Joyce’s genius. “I was walking to class when I realized that about 100 feet to my left sat the smartest person to grace this campus,” said Mallory Ratzenberg, a senior chemistry major. “After I called every person I’d ever met, I stared at him with my mouth open for close to 45 minutes, astounded by the fact that I’d never thought to do that. How I would go about emulating his crippling intelligence?” “I don’t even know his name, and I already want to have his children,” Ratzenberg added, hoping against hope that Joyce might already have her phone number, given his omniscience.
Soon Ratzenberg was joined by thousands of awestruck students. They crowded Joyce’s relaxation area, some trying to climb the pillars of Memorial just to get a glimpse of the man who thinks like none before. “At first I didn’t believe it,” said Derrek Guillando, a sophomore elementary education major. “But when I got to the library and pushed my way through about 200 yards of dumbfounded, disbelieving crowd members, there he was, sprawled out in a hammock hung between two trees.” Said Joyce of his unfathomable resourcefulness, “I was tired and so I sat.” When pressed for more, Joyce turned to reporters and said, “It’s just a hammock between two trees, I don’t see what the big deal is.” “I can see the universe in his hammock and all its secrets are laid bare before my unworthy mind,” said
junior theater major Claire Hartman. “Do you know why black holes have an intense gravitational field? It’s because they’re lonely. Joyce’s hammock told me.” Hartman then denounced her physicist father, Dr. Andrew Hartman, founder and devoted leader of Physics for the Phuture, an organization that teaches practical science to inner city children. She said her father’s life, when compared to Joyce’s, has been one foul-up after another and that he should probably just stop trying. “Guys, someone has definitely had this idea before,” said Joyce, in a humble but ultimately futile effort to downplay the world-crushing significance of what he had done. “Thousands of people who knew hammocks go between trees have come through this place. They probably have done the same as I am now.” A thorough search of the university’s
records show that no one of Joyce’s vast intellect has come through UD, and the trees have been depressingly devoid of hammocks. President Harker had the UD event staff set up a portable staging unit next to Joyce for an impromptu award ceremony. Only one award was given out because Joyce had nullified any potential for future accomplishments. At the ceremony, Harker spoke of creativity, ingenuity, and grace, declaring them all meaningless, as Joyce had taken all the glory for himself.
“You’ve all outlived your usefulness. The paragon of human existence lounges before you reading a copy of Huckleberry Finn that was published before they knew how to make paperbacks,” Harker yelled, spraying trembling throngs of students with frothy spittle, while the students praised Joyce’s boundless understanding. “It has fountain pen and faded pencil marks in the margin, made by men looking for answers in places that weren’t people in hammocks. Look at him, bask in his glory, and know all your future endeavors will judged in the shadow of his cocoon of infinite comfort.”
Harker then prayed to Joyce, the ethereal god of hammockial acumen, that he might finally understand what his wife means by, “Will you please take it upon yourself to clean the house every once in a while? I feel like I’m living in a fucking tenement.” As of press time, President Barrack Obama, leader of the free world, and a team of silently weeping, obsolete Nobel Laureates had boarded Air Force One in order to bestow the presidency upon Joyce, since he is clearly unaffected by the trivial corporeal afflictions of what lesser men have called “The Human Condition.”
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Going to a Birthday party Even though it’s a ___1___ night, I’m always down to party! Crush
some ___2___, slam some ___3___ girls, you know, the usual. It’s ___4___ ’s cousin’s friend’s neighbor who lives in ___5___ , and they are turning 21. Hell yeah! I love birthdays! Since I’ve got a fake ID, I want to flaunt it. I’m bringing a fifth of ___6___ vodka and a fifth of ___7___ just to keep people on their toes. I’m also going to stop at ___8___ and pick up a new striped button-up, and just tell people it’s from ___9___ because everyone will be too drunk to know the difference. Hey, maybe I’ll really impress them and bring some ___10___ , everyone loves those! Maybe a little Pin the Tail on the ___11___ , maybe some helium balloons to get a little funny later. Ladies love my ___12___ voice impression. Damn, I love that ___13___ so much.
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I heard ___14___ is going to be there, and that she can twerk better than ___15___ and ___16___ combined. Maybe I should make a playlist just in case the party isn’t popping enough. You know, some ___17___ , some ___18___ , and ___19___ , the bitches love them. Of course I’ll throw on ___20___ to show the ladies that I’ve got pipes… all over the place, if you catch my drift.
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Finna get laid tonight! I better wash my ___21___ sheets and make sure I have ___22___ on hand for when I bring the party home. Birthday parties are the best!
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