The Black Sheep
bro free. the ..lik r’s e yo Hal ur low lit een tle c an dy.
Vol.5, Issue 5
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/31/13 - 11/13/13
UD Dresses Up for halloween
as Top-Notch Academic Institution BY: Joe Ziegler In a surprise move, the University of Delaware announced it will be dressing up as a topnotch college for Halloween. The holiday, in which people guise themselves as various persons, objects, and things, provides an opportunity for participants to pretend to be something they’re not, often as a form of wish fulfillment.
“Last year, as I was considering a move to Delaware, I read everything I could about UD—about its history and traditions, about its acclaimed faculty, talented students and prominent alumni.
are, what we stand for and why we matter. This captured my imagination and resonated with me personally. For weeks I was consumed with this idea. How could I dare to be first? I stayed up long into the night thinking about it, soft whimpers leaking out of the corners of my quivering mouth. My wife couldn’t handle it. I thought she had pledged to be with me always, but here I am alone, typing this email out in my underwear and a Snuggie I impulsively bought from a display at a Sears Hardware. The kids are gone but I hear the echoes of their laughter in the hallways. I keep finding myself pausing as I pass their room. ‘They’re not there,’ I tell myself. ‘Just move on,’ I say. But I look anyway. I always look. Anyway, I figured if we couldn’t be the best university in the country ,we could pretend to be.”
And then I read this: DARE TO BE FIRST. A compact message intended to proclaim publicly who we
A source familiar with the university’s thinking has told The Black Sheep that this costume
In an open letter sent to students, faculty, and staff of the university, Provost Domenico Grasso had this to say about the move:
page 4 President Harker Can’t Tell if Stove is Hot He has to touch it, which isn’t a great method.
was planned long in advance, and was responsible for, among other cosmetic improvements, the new ISE Lab. “The ISE Lab was constructed following the standards of the U.S. Green Building Council’s LEED Silver designation,” said the source, who would neither confirm nor deny allegations that the above statement was something a five-year-old would say when pretending to be a smart person. Reaction from the student body has been mostly positive. Many have said it feels nice to be part of a respectable university, if even for only a day. Said Shivam Amin, a senior philosophy major, “I’ve been going to UD for four years. I know it’s not anything special. The chemical engineering department is ok, I guess? I don’t know, I’ve
never taken any of those classes. “But today, I can call my parents and tell them I go to the University of Delaware – not Harvard, not Yale, but Delaware. And today, that’s good enough.
A spokesperson for the Faculty Senate told The Black Sheep that there would be no raises or bonuses this year due to costs incurred from the Halloween costume.
“Also the physical therapy program is good?”
In the official announcement of the costume on the steps of Memorial Hall, President Patrick “Batman” Harker greeted a large crowd of maintenance workers he paid to attend. Harker started his speech by pulling down a large white sheet covering Memorial Hall’s exterior, revealing that the building was now covered in ivy.
Other notable decorations around campus included fake rust paint on statues to make them look classy and stoic, a large banner congratulating Alice Munro on her Nobel Prize in Literature, and “1743” carved into every building on campus.
page 7 Top 10 Regrets of Halloween You’ve ruined apple cider forever, hooked up with Miley, and ate a whole bag of Kit Kats by yourself. What else?
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“This is who we are today,” said Harker, who dressed as Batman after being told it was to be a “classy event.” “We are a university that can hold its own with any other in the country. We represent the East Coast Classic ideal, engaging in Idea Leadership, and all for Smart Money. Talent Magnet, Discovery Learning, Citizen University.” Harker finished his speech to rapturous applause as a bright red “applause” sign lit up over his head. “And don’t worry, we’ll have the ivy taken down by tomorrow.”
page 14 Lorde most popular costume at UD The most creative costume, ‘Lorde’ attended every party this weekend.
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Miraculush
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A man or woman who can hold their liquor beyond any reasonably human level. “The group knew Dino was a miraculush when he crushed a case of PBR before spending the rest of the night ripping shots at a bar.”
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Nose, eyes and mouth absent, this 36th chamber member meets Atlanta rapper with a 36-inch chain.
President Harker Can’t Tell if The Stove is On Without Touching It By: Theodore J. Elliott Recent albeit unconfirmed developments suggest President Patrick T. Harker is incapable of recognizing when a stove is hot without touching it. The primary source of Harker’s burns is the simple electric range, many of which have visual cues to signify the production of heat. But this has proven not to be enough for him, as he prefers a more hands-on approach. His most common tests include first politely asking the stove if it is hot, then licking the burners, and finally pressing his forehead against the active coils of the stovetop. His problem extends beyond the common electric stove, branching into more obviously active heat sources. “He came over when we were about 12 years old and my mom was using the gas stove,” said childhood friend Susan Hastra. “She was boiling water for pasta and the gas was burning full tilt, man. He stuck his finger in the flame, left it there, and asked my mom how dinner was coming.” Hastra continued, “The pasta was fine, but my parents spent the next few hours changing bandages on his third degree burns.”
“On one of his tours of the university, when he came to our chem lab, he hovered his palm directly above the flame of a Bunsen burner,” said Dr. Steven Gilligan, a faculty member in the chemistry department. “I mean, these things have flames that can get to be four inches tall. I’m worried about him.” Another source confirms this, mentioning that it’s all they can do to not leave hot plates out when Harker comes through. “We can’t even go camping anymore,” said employee and friend Greg Hutchkins. “He grabs handfuls of embers from the clearly raging bonfire and talks about how cold he is. When we roast marshmallows, he sets them on fire, then put them in his mouth to see if they’re done. More than once, he’s taken it out and put it back on the stick for more cooking.” As of press time, President Harker had palmed a space heater and said, “Essscch, that’s hot… right?”
Many in dining services report that the president has repeatedly checked to see if the toaster was on by sticking his hand directly into the bread slots. Other faculty report similar findings.
Guy not sure
how many people know this By: Dillon McLaughlin University of Delaware political science major Chuck Magi isn’t sure how many people know this, but finds it pretty interesting. He just wanted to make sure that other people were aware of it. “Until I had the presence of mind to bring it up, I wasn’t really sure how many people actually knew about this,” said Magi. “I’m glad I had the opportunity to spread this knowledge around.” Magi talked at great length about how happy he was to be able to tell people about it and he hopes that more people take it into consideration when they’re making important decisions. “I just don’t think many people are aware, so I’m really happy I get to be the one who brings it up,” Magi expounded. “I just find it super interesting and definitely worth a second look. Hopefully more people will take it into consideration now that I’ve said something.”
knowledge is. It really is astounding how many people don’t know this thing I just talked about.” “But I mean, really, how could you not know about this? It’s so important and interesting,” he continued. “It affects us every day and the implications are terrifying. Let me tell you about the article I found it in.” Until he brought it up, Magi didn’t think it possible that people wouldn’t know about something so seemingly obvious.
He shared that if more people knew, things might be different. Magi considers himself lucky to be one of the few people who actually knows this, so he considers it to be his duty to spread as much awareness as possible.
“Aren’t I an intelligent person, classmates?” Magi pleaded, addressing an apathetic if not annoyed class of 60. “I’m just glad I could improve your lives without condescending to you in any way. Discussion based classes are just the best.”
“It’s astounding to me just how many people don’t know,” Magi went on. “I hope now that I’ve taught people about this thing, they find it as astounding as I do. I’m just astounded at how poorly circulated this
Last reports indicate that everyone already knew that, and Magi should just sit down and take notes like the rest of them.
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on the Streets If you could be in any movie scene ever, what scene would it be and who would you replace? r Paige, Junio
“I really want to be Legolas in any scene and just do something that he would do. He doesn’t do much except sit there and state the obvious, but his world is so pretty and everyone else takes care of the hard stuff.”
ior Desiree, Jun
“I would want to be in the Harry Potter scene when there was Hermione’s time-turner and she got to go back in time, but I would also like to have more time to study like her.”
r Sara, Junio
“I would be Brennan Huff in the scene where he sings to Dale from Step Brothers so that my voice could sound like a combination of Fergie and Jesus.”
06
The
Top
Ten
Regrets of
Halloween By: Shannon Poulsen
You watched Hocus Pocus and you sang “This is Halloween.” You bought, carved, and smashed pumpkins, baked the seeds and cut the store-bought pies. The leaves fell, the temperature dropped, and your dignity diminished. Post-Halloween is a magical time to look back and realize just how much a costume can change your decision making. Here are the Top 10 regrets from your Hallo-weekend. 10.) Decorating your room too much: Anyone who walked in your room loved the cobwebs. Your Facebook friends liked your picture of your sticky window skeleton. Your RA thought your haunted hotel sign was cute. But now, you’re drunk, hung-over, and need to take it all down. Where did you even put the box it all came in?
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9.) Buying yourself a bag of candy: So you thought you could “work it off” the next week? The Little Bob will be SWAMPED after Halloween. Everyone regrets eating an entire bag of orange Kit Kats. The candy you ate will sit in your stomach and add an inch, minimally, to your already growing waist. 8.) Not eating any candy at all: Not eating candy during Halloween officially labelled you a boring adult. You should have eaten some piece of chocolate, at least for your youth, you wet blanket. 7.) Leaving a bowl of candy for the kids: For those of you who live in a house, not leaving candy may get you TP’d. Leaving a bowl used to be the remedy, but now kids are assholes and will TP you anyways. Covered in toilet paper, down a decorative bowl, and missing your candy, it was best to just leave nothing out. 6.) Buying 10 pounds of Milburn Orchard’s Apples: Theory: People started to give apples away to trick-ortreaters after they bought too many at Milburn Orchards. The apples will sit in your living room for at least three more weeks, getting more rotten than your uncarved pumpkins. 5.) Putting candy corn in your Burnett’s: “Let’s get festive! Let’s create a new flavor!” you told yourself as you let candy corn dissolve in unflavored Burnett’s. Your fellow drinking mates saw no fault, but your stomach sure feels it. 4.) Mixing with apple cider: While a great decision when drinking, trying to have a glass at breakfast the next day will bring back yesterday’s midnight meal. Just because cider can mask the taste of vodka doesn’t mean it should be abused. Good luck explaining to your boss the next day why you’re turning down a beautiful glass of apple heaven. 3.) Dressing up in a costume no one understood: From elementary school on, the originality behind your costume determined how cool you were. With age, your originality became more and more stretched to the point where people can’t identify your costume. Sure, converted-businessman Holden Caulfield was easy to assemble, but it was a pain in the ass to explain all night. 2.) Not dressing up at all: Plain woman? Really bored man? Your spiel about how dressing up in costume lowers people’s inhibitions and that you’re above that really went over well. Everyone loved it five drinks in when it sounded like the low hum of their mother’s voice, slowly putting them to sleep. A+. 1.) Hooking up with Miley Cyrus: There were so many other girls that had more original costumes! Why pick from five twerking Mileys when someone else hand-sewed a Heisenburger costume? The opportunity was there, and now you’re stuck with shame, regret, and possibly herpes.
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EVERYDAY: $3 Captain Morgan Drinks and $5 Bombs!
$3.50 22oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light, $4.99 22oz Stella or Blue Moon, $1.99 Mugs of Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite, or Yuengling
THURSDAY
Free upgrade to a fruit head hookah with the purchase of two entrees
$2.50 Shots, $4 Mojitos and Margaritas Bacon Bar from 4 to Close Pork pork and more pork!
All You Can Eat Wings (5PM - close) $2 Rail Drinks (all day)
Buy one get one free…all Flatbread pizzas all day long $5.50 pitchers Miller Lite, Coors Light, or Yuengling, $5 House Margaritas 8-close
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$5 Long Island Ice Teas
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SUNDAY
Free appetizer with purchase of 2 entrees
MONDAY
$3 12oz Dogfish Head, Free $5 appetizer with purchase of two entrees
TUESDAY WEDNESDAY
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$3 12oz Blue Moon
House Music w/ DJ Andrew Hugh and Silent Disco 12AM-1AM
$3 Coronas
$5 All Bombs, All Day, Everyday Epic Sound DJs NO COVER!
Happy Hour 3pm - 7pm: $2 16oz domestic drafts, $3 22oz domestic drafts, $2 rail drinks, and 1/2 price glasses of house wine 3pm - 6pm and 10pm - close: $5 selected appetizers
$3 Glasses of Sangria
$3 Captain Morgan Drinks, All Day, Everyday Live Local Music! No Cover (w/ student id)
Football Specials 11-7: $3.50 22oz Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light, $4.99 22oz Stella or Blue Moon, $1.99 Mugs Miller Lite, Coors Light, Bud Light, or Yuengling 8-close: $3 Pinnacle Vodka drinks 10-close: $5 selected apps
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$12 Dinner Entrees, 1/2 Priced Bottles of Wine Free Hapy Hour Taco Buffet! $2.50 Coors Light
THURS.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
Newark’s Best Happy Hour 6-8pm $2 Drafts, 1/2 Price Apps $3 Pinnacle Drinks, $3 Blue Moon Bottles, DJ Collision House Mix Dance Party 10pm
1/2 Price Salads 11am-4pm, Seafood Night, DJ Nii Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $4 Long Island Ice Teas, $4 Fireball and Blue Ball Shots
Live Music from Acoustic Seven 8-11 ½ price breadsticks and cheese sticks 35% off Wings, $10 Coors Light Buckets, $2 Yuengling Bottles
College Night! FREE Happy Hour Carving Station $2 12oz Coors Light Drafts $3 Rail Drinks, SoCo Shots and 16oz Coor Light Alum. Btls., $4 Captain Morgan Drinks, $5 Senor Creepy
FRI.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
EPL Soccer, $3 Carlsberg All Day! Brunch & Bloody Mary Bar til 3pm DJ Infamos 9pm - 1am $4 Red Bull & Vodka Drinks, $3 Fireball Shots
Brunch 11am - 2pm, Live DJ 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Washington Apples
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Chef's Special! DJ 9pm $2.50 Coors Light
SAT.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Miller Lites
All You Can Eat Crab Legs $19.99 $3 Big Arse 22oz Bud Light, $3 Call Drinks, $3 Coronas, $0.35 Wings (During Eagles Games)
Brunch 10am - 2pm, 1/2 Price Entrees 4pm - 10pm, 1/2 Price Apps 9pm - Close 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Rails
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All-You-Can-Eat Baby Back Ribs for $18.99 $2.50 Coors Light
SUN.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Leinenkugel Pints
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1/2 Price Burgers, Salsa Night Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Rails, $4 Fireball Shots
$2 Bud Light Pint $3 Bud Light 25oz Mug $14 Bud Light 128oz TOWER 35% off MD and LG Pizzas!
$6 Nacho Night! Seafood, Taco, Supreme, Chicken or Pulled Pork $2.50 Coors Light
MON.
All Day and Night! $2 Single You Call Its $10 Cover Charge Free Admission w/ UD I.D.
Burger Night! $5 1/2lb. Burgers Karaoke Dance Party at 10pm $3 16oz Long Island Iced Tea $2 Bud Light Pints
1/2 Price Nachos, Quizzo Tuesday Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 4pm - 1am: $6 Bud Light & Miller Lite Pitchers, $6 Yeungling Pitchers Specials 9pm - Close!
Karaoke Night is Back!!! Featuring $5 Tini Tuesday Choose from 1 of 2 Sweet Creations from Julie
$0.40 wings $2.50 Yuenglings $2.50 Coors Light
TUES.
$4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light $3 Big Weinhard's IPA
Pub Pong at 9pm $5 Flatbreads, $2 Pinnacle Flavors, $3 Fireball Shots, $1 Miller Lite Live Entertainment! Victoria Watts 10/23, DJ Bitz 10/30
1/2 Price Sandwiches and Salads, 1/2 Price Appetizers 9-close, Live Music Happy Hour: 4-7pm: $2 Domestic Pints, $6 Domestic Pitchers, $1 off Glasses of Wine 9pm - Close: $3 Vodka Drinks, $3 Blue Moon, $3 Captain Drinks
Wings and Yuengs $0.55 Naked Wings $2.00 Yuengling Drafts
Salsa Lessons 8:30 pm - 9:30 pm Dancing until 1am! Half Price Burgers! $5 1/2 Lbs. Burger + Side!
WED.
Happy Hour! Monday - Thursday, 6 - 8pm
EVERYDAY! $4 Tall Svedkas $3 Big Coors Light
1/2 Price Apps, 22oz Draft Specials, $3 Beer of the Month Pints
The Black Sheep’s Guide to the 2014
By :B & r qu e in nd n an
it
Yo H h e er a u e rd
fi rs t!
TOURNAMENT Whew! What a season it’s been! It seemed like just yesterday we were tipping off the 2013-2014 NCAA Men’s Basketball season with a November 8th slate that saw 138 games pitting the nation’s finest young men against each other. The first night’s go-round immediately became the stuff of legend. How could we forget (insert name)’s stellar performance in an unexpected victory over (insert Nov. 8th upset)? Ah, but that was just the first iconic moment in a season that’ll go down in history as one of college basketball’s best ever. And while those early-season games count, it’s important to look at the recently-ended conference tournaments when filling out your brackets in time for March 18th tip-off in bucolic Dayton, Ohio. Heading into the season sports pundits nationwide considered Michigan State the cream of the Big Ten crop, but with their narrow (win/loss) to cellar dweller (Big Ten school) last Sunday in Indianapolis, is this team coming into the Big Dance as frigid as Michigan’s recently-turned winter, or as hot as (female celebrity)’s latest antics? We say it’s safe to plug Michigan State into your elite eight, but be careful, because if things break like The Black Sheep thinks they will, they’ll be facing a hot (mid-major) team that’s been able to smell the blood in the water for these past three months. Now, we’re not saying we see (mid-major) taking down a well-equipped Spartans squad, but if (mid-major) can put up a gutsy fight midway through the second half, (small school)’s shocking upset of (top-5 team) earlier this year shows just about anything can happen in the waning seconds of a college basketball game. But with Michigan State stronger than it’s been in years, the rest of the Big Ten took a step back this year, with only (number) teams ranked in the national top 25 by season’s end. That’s why we turn to Kentucky, Kansas and surprise top-10 team Kansas State when looking at this year’s true title contenders. The KKK Klan, as The Black Sheep has begun calling them, has taken the nation by storm in different ways. John Calipari’s Wildcat krew has white washed opponents’ defense with a fast-paced offense run through (Kentucky player), while Bill Self’s Kansas squad has rallied around (Kansas player’s) season-ending (body part) injury, rattling off (number) straight wins after his year came to a close as he was carted off during the (date) game against (opponent). Yes, these teams have proven they were on a whole ‘nother level — as if they were a superior group of humans out there on the court, forcing the other players into submission.
The Black Sheep predicts the
2014 NCAA All Americans: The real surprise of the season, of course, was Bruce Weber’s Kansas State squad. Unranked at the beginning of the year, these KSU Wildcats have built a reputation as one of the nation’s nastiest teams, starting with their early-season dismantling of (ranked team) in front of a national audience. Sure, (date) and (date) missteps against soft teams (soft team) and (soft team), respectively, leave room for doubt, but no one in Manhattan, Kansas is doubting this squad. Have no hesitation when penciling them in to your sweet sixteen. And though there are clear lottery picks on stacked big-conference teams, how could we leave out the stellar performances put on by (Pacific northwest school)’s scrappy, three-point gunning, defense-savvy point guard, (name)? This (Canadian city)-born tiny tyrant’s scrappy skill set may inevitably fizzle out in the NBA, but don’t think for a second his high basketball IQ, unmatched hustle, and all-American smile won’t gutsy his team to the third weekend of the tournament. He’s dragged his team this far on sheer willpower, and there’s no reason to think he can’t do it again. While Virginia Commonwealth University has been the nation’s darling for the past several seasons, the midseason brawl between coach Shaka Smart and broadcaster (name) that left the booth man hospitalized and the coach suspended indefinitely will surely hurt the Rams’ chances at postseason success. While college basketball fans are divided as to who to blame for the fight, we’ll never forget Coach Smart’s post-fight speech in which he called (name) a “money grubbing, walking penis who knows nothing about basketball.” Barring reinstatement by the university, consider VCU a one-and-done. Of course, we’d be remiss not to mention the (date) tragedy that saw a hot (school) team lose its entire squad and coaching staff in a horrific plane crash just outside of the Charlotte Douglas International Airport. The nation watched as (team)’s plane slam dunked onto the runway instead of on the court. Just when they were playing their best basketball, too. A wracked fanbase and devastated families will never know what kind of high-flying hoopin’ the nation missed out on. National Championship chances don’t come around every day, and you’d hate to miss out on one due to something like this. The Black Sheep will be the first to tell you that a lot can change between Tournament tip-off and the National Championship trophy hoisted high by one team on April 7th in Arlington, Texas. Just know it’s going to be crazy, and you heard it here first.
First Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School)
Second Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)
Third Team: G: Last Name, First (School) G: Last Name, First (School)-Deceased F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School) F: Last Name, First (School)
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: In a relationship Major: Culinary arts Favorite Drink: Dessert wines and Mojitos Favorite Shot: Tequila Disgusting Drink: Brandy A child’s laughter makes you…: Curious What’s the worst movie you’ve ever seen?: The last movie in the Twilight saga. How would you spend $1 million in pennies?: Pay off bills to annoying companies, all in the pennies.
Juan of Café Olé Drinking Game Pigskins and Puke With football in full swing, everyone’s weekends are filled with television and cases of Bud Light. Sometimes sitting on your ass all day can get a little boring, so here’s a game to play while watching your team of choice with your buddies. What You’ll Need: A table, a piece of paper, 20 red cups, 4 pencils, paper and pen to keep score, and some beers (duh). Number of Players: Teams of two, and any hot female friends you have to be cheerleaders. Level of Intoxication: Men don’t puke from a few beers, jeeze. How to Play: - Two teams stand at opposite ends of the table, with your partner at your side. - Each team takes 10 cups and sets them up like a normal pong game. - Fold the piece of paper into a football like you always did every day in middle school. - One team starts by flicking the football at the cups at the other end of the table. The goal is to either land the football inside the cup or knock one off the table. Once this happens, that team is awarded 6 points. - After a touchdown is scored, the opponents lay down two pencils on the table as goalposts. They can be as close or as far apart as they want (minimum 2 inches apart to be fair). The scoring team has one chance to flick their football to land between the pencils. If they can do so, they earn another point. - The team who was just scored on now has to drink. If the extra point was missed, drink for 6 seconds. If the extra point was made, finish your beer. - Keep playing until all the cups on both sides are gone, removing cups pong-style after someone makes a cup or knocks it off the table. The Game Ends When: All the cups are gone! Add up the points to see who wins.
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What is nature’s sexiest animal?: Felines, in general. What’s the stupidest thing you’ve bought off the internet?: A Pokémon ball. If you had to have a nickname that involved a piece of fruit, what would your nickname be?: Pumpkin (but only the ladies). What was the most embarrassing thing you did in grade school?: I was giving a presentation three separate times and each time my voice cracked in front of the audience. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: Hey, if it’s a newspaper that actually writes honestly and avoids bullshit, then everyone should read it.
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tricks to get ud chicks By: Mike Cox Halloween is the time of year when you get to be someone other than your boring self. People become an astronaut, a slutty panda, or a costume so shitty that you and your friends have a heated debate on what it is. Given that you’re not boring for a day, you should be able to get some haunting affection. The Black Sheep’s got you covered on some friendly tips to pick up chicks this Halloween: The ‘Ol Hole in the Pumpkin: Get 2 pumpkins, one for you and a female that likes you. Let her go to town on her pumpkin. She’ll be happy forever carving her sorority letters and her big’s name into it, but you have other plans. Cut a mediocre smiley face on the side and a hole on the bottom. Mount it on your lap. Tell her to check the candle out on the inside. On further inspection she’ll realize it isn’t a candle and attempt to light it anyway. Or
she’ll blow it out. WARNING: Sticking your member into an object someone is blindly stabbing might be a bad idea. The Freddy Cougar: Venture on down to Deer Park. Amongst the crowd will be two middle-aged women looking to smash some young pumpkins (that’s you) this Halloween. Tell them you have goals and love their Madonna costumes. You’ll wake up with Freddy Cougar’s claw marks on your back. WARNING: We advise wearing your costume on the way out the next morning so as to confuse and scar the their children even more. The Pledge Edge: If you’re a pledge, you have an edge. Chicks will eat you up
because your frat bros made you dress up like a Spice Girl, a sperm, or Kenny Powers. Stay cool, don’t get too drunk, and some older UD chicks will go for you just because you’re a pledge. WARNING: The “chicks” in this case are the fraternity groupies that have had sex with seven other dudes in your fraternity (they know who they are). Haunted Jay Ride: Take a girl in the deep backwoods of PA for a nice romantic jay ride. Chicks dig this, especially if they smoke pot. UD stoner chicks are easily amongst the best in the world. WARNING: If you hear a sound in the woods, split up and go find out what it was. Then, get lost while chanting “Hellooo?” It’s probably a werewolf, or your killer, but either way she’ll have to cling close.
Friend Zone, Dead Zone: If you’re in the friend zone with some hot chick, nut up and go after her dressed like a zombie. Those fuckers never give up! Being a zombie for Halloween gives you the opportunity to hone in on her like you want to eat her flesh without giving up like you usually do. Zombies never give up.
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WARNING: This is creepy. Legal actions may follow. The Black Sheep got you covered with all the tricks! Stay tuned for the Christmas Edition called “Ho Ho Ho: Santa’s Got Three Ho’s, You Got None.”
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“Lorde” Deemed Most Popular Halloween Costume at UD By: Carolyn Beatty Recent studies at the University of Delaware revealed that Lorde was a top contender for college Hallo-weekend costume choices. Students reported that at first most people didn’t get “it” because they didn’t know what she looked like.
a fake Scottish accent. This lady, who chooses to remain anonymous, proudly informed The Black Sheep that next year she would be able to easily go along with this mistake and let the other person know how Brave they were for guessing her costume.
“So, how does that make her a great idea for a costume?” a young man was heard whispering into a bag of Walgreens discounted Halloween candy.
Additionally, statistics somehow prove that a Lorde costume also had a lot of potential to be mistaken for the girl from The Ring, a witch, or a ghoul. When this happened, there was no room for blame. These are actually correct identifications. Lorde is many things at once, especially those.
According to junior Emily Lynn, dressing up as Lorde for Halloween came with a lot of bonuses. “Her appearance was so ambiguous,” Lynn educated. “Sure, if Lorde makes a television appearance and someone identifies her, their first thoughts would be, ‘Oh, yeah, that is her, I guess.’ That’s exactly why all the cool kids scrambled to put together this costume homage.” These very same trendsetters were found frequently flocking to dark, scary frat parties as a means of “just letting go” and “having the best night ever,” according to Lynn. Due to the lack of lighting and heavy presence of bodies, these parties are prime real estate for easily misidentified Halloween costumes. Lorde costumes offered so many other possibilities that correcting frat bros and jealous bystanders proved unnecessary, reports indicate. In one incident this weekend, a young woman was incorrectly assumed to be the Disney-Pixar character Merida by an intoxicated young man with
College ladies in particular appeared to be making Lorde this season’s best Halloween costume because of her pouty-sexy signature look. An online poll stated this also worked for girls who’ve tryed to pull it off for pregame pictures but had never been able to. In addition, anyone caught looking like a duck or an asshole simply used Lorde as a scapegoat. The focus was longer on how these ladies were about as sexual as UD’s most famous alum, Wayne Westerman. For anyone expecting the joke to be on Joe Biden, his teeth have more sexual appeal than a Kate Upton Playboy photo shoot.
Students shared one more reason that Lorde was the best Halloween costume of the season. When the point of no return was reached and words were so slurred and thoughts so incoherent it was painful to hear, students merely played it off on Lorde’s character.
Lorde’s omnipresence may have also been the cause many students randomly making new best friends over the weekend. “We will NEVER be royals, do you understand that!? Never,” young folks could be heard moaning while pondering their existence with strangers in an undisclosed location adjacent to the Trabant Parking Garage.
“Actually listening to her music will reveal that her lyrics make no sense, which was a perfect excuse to also make no sense during the struggle of walking up the Green. The task of convincing your roommates that you didn’t drink that much jungle juice was on you, though” said resident drunk Lisa Mose.
Officer Deebag’s Police Report Bust: How I Became a UD Student By: Russel Kogan
Date/Time reported: 10 October 2013 Location: University of Delaware Reported: Underage drinking, drug possession, awful party Background: In order to disguise myself, I first needed to get into the mindset of a typical UD student. This was certainly no easy task, as the mind of college student is as complex as that movie Inception. After dressing up in a flannel, beer-stained khakis, worn-out Sperrys, and styling my hair to match the quintessential college kid (which took several hours), I was ready to go out. 21:30: I asked a group of three male students, perhaps freshmen, if they were to going to “pregame” before going to the supposed party at Delta Alpha. For the cover story, of course. I knew the consummation of alcoholic beverages was a necessary step in taking on the attitude of a student. 21:35: After welcoming me into their dorm room, I immediately smelled a combination of burnt marijuana, alcohol, sweat, and semen. I noticed a used condom on a desk next to the student’s bed. However, observing the boy’s unshaved mustache, bowl haircut, and bad complexion, I concluded that the boy just wanted to see what it felt like. 21:40: They offered me shots of strawberry banana flavored Burnett’s vodka. Only to avoid suspicion, I agreed to drink it. I must play the part. After five
consecutive shots within ten minutes, I was beginning to feel alcohol-induced inhibition. In fact, after I gulped one shot without the use of a “chaser,” one of the boys called me a “champ,” which made me seem more legitimate. Throughout the pre-game we conversed about the weirdest places in which we masturbated. To further contribute to my cool persona, I lied that I had once done it in the car on a family road trip. Totally lied. For the cover story. 22:30: We met up with a group of females outside the building and proceeded to walk to the fraternity house. I speculated that my BAC was around .3. On the way there, I was talking to one particularly attractive female coed about how guys these days have no sense of chivalry. Several times, I glanced at her exposed cleavage in order to present myself as a typical perverted college student. I know this is a lot of information, but I am of course divulging all details of my night to further the court’s understanding of this investigation and do the best police work I can. 23:00: Upon arrival, I noticed commotion surrounding the back door. Being a male, I was forced to pay $5 for a cup. The group I was with dispersed among the crowded, smelly basement of the Delta Alpha fraternity house. The girl who I had been walking with took my hand to one of the corners, placed her buttocks against my pelvic region and began rotating it to the rhythm of “I Want to Make Love in this Club.” While
possibly perceived as unprofessional, I knew that if had not continued to perform this motion, she would immediately accuse me of being an undercover policeman. In addition, to further convince her that I was truly a peer, I engaged in oral contact with her neck and lip regions. After some time passed, I decided that I needed to increase my BAC. I got my cup and worked my way to the keg. On my way there, a young, overweight, male student asked me if I wanted to purchase a gram of marijuana for $25. Using my strictly professional and not personally gathered information, I argued that $25 was a rip-off. He agreed to sell it to me for $20 — what a perfect sample of evidence. In order to test whether the cannabis was real, I rolled it into a “joint” and smoked it with some kids outside. After confirming that it was legitimate marijuana, I knew that the members of Delta Alpha were going to be in serious legal trouble. 24:00: At this point, I decided to stumble, er, return to the University of Delaware police station to report what I had just experienced. As I walked in, bag of marijuana in hand, the entire team of police clapped in acknowledgement of the horrifying experiences I had to endure for the sake of justice, knowing I had no other choice. Delta Alpha will receive a swift punishment. Serving, Officer Deebag
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g in t a e r T r o k ic r T at College: A Reflection Halloween: the best holiday of the year. When little, you find the coolest costume you can and get free candy. You stay up late trick or treating and counting how much candy you got while your mom throws away the unwrapped candy and random fruit that ended up in your bag. When you’re in college, you dress up so you’re completely unrecognizable, or dress down to the point where if someone’s seen you naked and bent over, they’ll still know it’s you. But now that we’re in college and don’t have a solid reason to trick or treat without getting questioned or a door slammed in our faces, we at The Black Sheep bet that your Halloween looked very, very different. Trick or Treating in the Dorms: When walking down different dorm hallways with lights flickering and flyers flapping in the breeze, vibes reached a new spinechilling level by the two types of people who stay in the dorms on Halloween. The first person thought they were too
cool to participate. They obviously didn’t get a kick out of dressing up and therefore didn’t. These people either stayed in drinking, playing World of Warcraft, or crying because they actually like Halloween but their friends were all trying to be hipsters and didn’t go out in protest of how “commercialized” the holiday has become. Then there were the people who didn’t believe in the holiday, which is hard to accept considering no one cares about the meaning of almost any holiday anymore. Hopefully when these people get presents on Christmas they say, “No thank you, I don’t believe in smiles and happiness.” Basically these are the Debbie Downers of any holiday season, spring, summer, fall, and winter. Post 10 o’clock, no one wandered the halls of Dickinson or Independence because they were out having the blast you wish you could have had. The silence that pierced your ears might have frightened you, but no need to be scared. That kid
By: Alexis Miller who was lurking down the hallway in a worn-out 1997 Scream costume was just stoned and looking for extra Kit Kat bars. Trick or Treating Off Campus: Houses were no better at giving out candy than dorms or Newark suburban families who said you were “too slutty” to get candy. If you wanted some Natty Light or off-thewall drunk people, you were golden, but also not exactly what you wanted. Most houses were subdued and on the quiet side, either because they, like the dorms, were empty or contained the same types of people hunkering down in their rooms on the best night of the year. But, have no fear, because there were enough parties to hit up to witness things that scarred you forever. Watching Cookie Monster and a Baby Jersey T urnpike to “Face Down” will be burned into your memory forever. Transportation to and from Trick or Treating: You might have seen the Techno Bus Driver in something other than his blue shirt and silver headband, but only
if you were lucky. Once you were at your designated location, the walking commenced. Wandering around your neighborhood in a Spice Girl or Batman costume was so safe and fun back in the ‘90s. It had a whole new meaning this year though, didn’t it? Chances are, your Spice Girl was wearing shorts so short her gynecologist needs to give her a checkup via her mouth, and that guy probably went up to any girl who came within a 20 foot radius of him and asked if they were willing to see his bat cave. We hope you took extra caution against the drunks walking back from bars, parties, and Cleveland. Main Street should
have been avoided at all costs. As dawn broke the morning following Halloween, the night prior undoubtedly had little to show for itself. If you were lucky, a few candy bars surfaced throughout the night. More likely than not, you hold some regretful feelings about wandering around Newark on All Hallows Eve. Seeing too many interpretations of Miley Cyrus and drunken minions tainting the innocence of Despicable Me pouring out of Kildares inevitably put a damper on your night. Better luck next year. Maybe it’ll be time to celebrate by joining the masses with inappropriate costumes and overindulging in alcohol.
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LET US PREdict
your future Best Man: - Louis C.K. - Tim Meadows - Andy Samberg - Nick Offerman
Signature Entree: - Chicken a la king - 7-layer salad - Tuna noodle casserole - Eggplant parmesan
Pulls a Prank by… - Making out with the bride. - Putting ecstasy in the punch. - Releasing 50 kittens onto the dance floor. - Throwing the cake out of the window.
With a Side of… - Dirt dessert - Tequila sunrises - Vegan cornbread - Xanax
Maid of Honor: - Aubrey Plaza - Ellen DeGeneres - Kristen Wiig - Fran Drescher Highlight of her speech is… - Your threesome with a hooker. - Getting tattoos last night. - Doing coke with Bill Clinton. - Streaking in the cafeteria junior year.
Cheesy Cover Band: - Dread Zeppelin - Mandonna - Nudist Priest - AC/Dshe Performing your first dance… - “Whatta Man” - “Frosty the Snowman” - “I Am The Walrus” - “C.R.E.A.M.”
Join us wednesday, october 30th for our
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How to Play: Doodle some lines on the page until someone, or your brain, tells you to stop. Take the number of lines and go down the list, and cross off every time you get to your number. Where there is one left in each catetory, that is your future. Yeah, you remember this from elementary school don’t pretend like you don’t.
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