Iowa State - 9/8/11 - v01i02 by The Black Sheep

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Volume 1, Issue 2 | 9/08/11 - 9/28/11

The

Black Sheep

Tailgating Etiquette: ‘Tis the Season

“A College Newspaper That’s Actually About College”

Merritt Rethlake wrote this Don’t you love the smell of Natty in the morning? The season of seasons is finally upon us. It’s the equivalent of Christmas, Mug Night and Shark Week all rolled into one. It’s the time of year when beer bonging at 8AM is not only accepted, but encouraged. It’s a magical time where girls can make dresses out of Iowa State blankets without being questioned. Drink up and get out those cardinal and gold sequin shorts you’ve been hiding because my friends, it’s time to tailgate. Truly a sport in and of itself, tailgating is the precursor to every great football game; to every great decision ever made, really. You think Mr. Snuggie didn’t pregame his brains out with his buddies before that masterpiece hit the infomercial market? And don’t you dare tell me NASA didn’t have a tailgate hooked up to their spaceship before they landed on the moon. Now I know we’re all in agreement – tailgating is the best thing to ever happen to football. But no one wants to be the idiot who’s too hammered to remember his or her own name. I enjoy flip cup played with straight vodka as much as the next person, but remember to keep some sort of a game face on. Read on and discover the ways to protect yourself from total humiliation and rookie mistakes. (Freshmen, take special note.) For the fellas: Don’t forget the food. Food has the potential to be seriously overlooked during a tailgate, when in reality it’s the yin to the yang; the Keith to the Stone; the pong to the bong. You’ll need sustenance as a means of survival for your overly-drunken friends. You’ll want to offer carrot and celery sticks and (if you’re feeling ballsy), some ranch to the super-hot, smashed girls who drunkenly stumble to your lowly tailgate. A side note for conversing with these ladies – take their picture when they ask you to. It takes significantly less time than shotgunning your beer and chances are, they’ll stick around longer if you humor them. But no cat calls, please. Unless you want to attract a

Other stuff

Inside

04: birth of a cult

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garbage can/Ke$ha hybrid, there’s no room for the classic, “Hey baby, can I crack your Bud?” Beers and fists are the only things you should be pounding at this point. Also, if you made the freshman mistake of bringing last night’s beer to your tailgate, pawn it off on someone you don’t like. Or to some lanyard-clad freshman. You should never tailgate with shitty beer. Who wants to drink something as flat as your ex-girlfriend? Get a case and keep it cool. Buy cooler. Bring cooler. Use cooler. So easy, a Hawkeye could do it. For the ladies: While the student lots won’t necessarily be the place to meet your future husband, it will be the ideal place to show off your latest ISU tailgating apparel and the new Camelback you use to transport your Mike’s Hard. Who says girls don’t know anything about football? Well, probably a lot of people, but prove them wrong! Or at least learn how to bullshit your way through a conversation filled with arbitrary words like “blitz” and “snap” and “Astroturf.” Don’t forget to travel in packs. While it might aid in the douchebags’ virtue of the Cheerleader Effect, it’ll keep you and your friends safer from them. Just remember, pregaming is just as important as the actual game, don’t sell yourself short. Finally, dress for success. It’ll be cold, or at least chilly soon. Looking sexy in that dress might feel good when it’s a balmy 72 degrees at noon, but when the sun begins to set your hot body turns cold and I can totally see your nipples, which is good for me and bad for you. A woman can look cute in a hooded sweatshirt and jeans, try it sometime. A word to the wise – tailgating is a marathon, not a sprint. Don’t be the dead-weight friend who keeps everyone else from having a good time. Whether you pack the Jack or just pack the snacks, enjoy it! The season doesn’t last forever. So go Koozie up to a tailgate that’ll do ISU proud.

07: True Life: I’m Facebook Obsessed How come we can’t “like” this article?

15: we Interview: Kids These daYS What are kids these days up to? Starting bands called Kids These Days.

Table of

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Please Turn Off Your Cell Phones Oh, so you really are addicted.

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From 'da Streets

The Birth of a New Cult

“What professor would you fight and why?”

Adam Carver wrote this It’s been too long since a proper cult has graced the world with its presence. Polygamy isn’t in the news anymore. Heaven’s Gate is a distant memory and Jonestown is something that most would confuse as a trailer trash amusement park. Now is the time for a new cult to sweep the nation. I’m not talking Bieber Fever; I’m talking matching robes and a commune out in the woods kind of thing. And I have just the one to take over the country (in pop culture sense, we don’t believe in world domination. Or loose meat sandwiches). I’m not the leader by any means, merely a man who has an understanding of what this country needs to get us back on our feet. The appeal of Chuck Norris is so last decade. We must take that step forward and embrace the new man to take the mantle from Walker Texas Ranger. Who is it, you ask? Google Mr. Willem Dafoe and you’ll have your answer! Willem Dafoe is a man all Americans can support in 2012. To hell with American Idol contestants and Michelle Bachmann’s lunacy, no one votes seriously in the presidential campaign anymore anyway. Willem Dafoe is the only qualified candidate on the ballot. His credentials: he is the only man to be nominated for an Oscar for playing a vampire (Suck on that Robbie Pattinson); he is also arguably the best Spiderman villain of any of the films; he’s played Jesus Christ, a transvestite detective, Rainbow Six’s John Clark and even an ex-vampire to boot (in a separate vampire film); but best of all, he’s a midwestern boy from Dells and Cheese country. With roles such as those, he is clearly superior to Mr. I-Act-With-My-Beard. Right now you are asking yourself, “How do I become part of such a wonderful cult that follows such a talented performer?” The answer is simple. Watch all of Dafoe’s films and appreciate him for what he is. And that would be “the Man with scary cheekbones who you know from that one movie. Not that one, the other one. Yeah, that one.” All card carrying members know what this cult entails, but to those potential victims recruits, here is a quick breakdown:

Cullen Padget-Walsh for using excessive Twilight references to illustrate argument forms

Billy B.

4. When people question your involvement in the cult of Dafoe, you reply simply with, “Down with Norris!” 5. And most importantly, you buy yourself a bunch of silk screens and Hanes white tees to make Willem Dafoe t-shirts for others in your commune. (Merchandise can also be found on our website.) The specific aspects of a run-ofthe-mill cult that will not be tolerated are: references to Charles Manson or the band Hanson, death or suicide pacts and any juice served with LSD, cyanide, sugar, artificial sweeteners, water or spit. Our first meeting will be held on the roof of Mackay Hall once we figure out how to get up there safely. We begin every meeting promptly at 7:30ish on the day one of his movies is released in Iowa. We’ll discuss the intended expectation of the film to perfect the viewing process and then we will exchange Photoshopped pictures of us in scenes of the film. And yes, we do perform at weddings and bar mitzvahs, but not birthdays or funerals. Each member should be gifted in balloon animal craft and popsicle stick house construction. If you have any questions or requests, email us chucknorriscansuckit@willemdafoeistheman.gov. Please, serious inquiries only. Willem has no affiliation with our cult, nor does he share the thoughts and views of the collective aforementioned. That said, we would very much like to meet him, study his craft and his stare and sculpt a life-sized statue of him out of mold. If you have any way of contacting him, please email us at the e-mail address previously provided.

"Cults are known for being filled with sex, drugs and drinking. We replaced the drugs with Brach’s candies and left the sex and drinking in. I mean, it is a cult after all."

1. All Dafoe devotees will announce his or her arrival with an intense stare, doing your best version of the “Dafoe Angry Glare.” 2. We take every opportunity to practice safe sex in groups. Cults are known for being filled with sex, drugs and drinking. We replaced the drugs with Brach’s candies and left the sex and drinking in. I mean, it is a cult after all. 3. You force yourself to sit through his film Antichrist, which will end up being quite a fun time when you understand the movie for the masterpiece that it is.

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Please Turn Off Your Cell Phones

Adam Carver wrote this

Nowadays (no one says that anymore, God I miss the ‘90s), young people are communicating in a new way. This demographic is the first to have been born in cyberspace. Nowhere is that more true than in college, where every class has at least one person on their phone all class, every class. Tweeting, sexting, playing Angry Birds and Facebook whining are happening almost as much as the pen to paper. The pen may be mightier than the sword, but it has nothing against the keystroke. We are addicted to our cell phones. Maps, voicemails and actual person-to-person interaction are becoming obsolete. Think I’m wrong? Ask all those cyborgs with their Bluetooths glued to their ears. Whether they are talking to you or making a call is never clear because they never take the damn thing out. Want more proof? Try to suggest going somewhere without your phones. Either everyone will lynch you for suggesting something so simple, or you actually do leave it behind and suffer severe separation anxiety for the duration of the excursion. We are that addicted. But is this horsepocky of a societal reality acceptable? Using your phone during a movie gets you yelled at, use it during a poop and you are called disgusting, use it during class and you are accused of not paying attention, Facebook on your phone at work and you’ll find your paychecks significantly diminishing. But to not use it at all is a sin worse than death. Some truly horrible tragedies could have been prevented had we been blessed with cell phones back in the day. Paul Revere would have sent a mass text when the British were coming. The Titanic would have been found with GPS before it ever had the chance to sink. JFK would have taken a different car had Lee Harvey Oswald tweeted his todo lists. It really is that important that we carry our phones everywhere. But history aside, we need to stop spending so much time on our phones. America has become the land of the obese, unemployed attention whores and the phone is to blame. There, I said it. A smart phone is a mixture of Satan and a chocolate bar. It can’t be stopped either. I’ve tried many times to put distance between me and my phone, but I’m like Jake Gyllen-

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haal in Brokeback Mountain, “I can’t quit you, iPhone!” There are books out there about ways to get away from technology. They become best sellers, ironically read more and more often in an electronic format. This isn’t Y2K, only Skynet can get us offline. When the machines become self-aware, we’ll all die on the first strike. Like the people in Wall-E, our fat asses won’t be able to save anyone, still relying too heavily on the technology to actually beat it, like fighting fire with fire or a catch 22. So what are we going to do? The idea of putting a chip in your head to make the phone more obsolete and glasses that act on voice command for smart phone applications are being widely discussed and seriously considered. To hell with that, I’ve seen too many movies to know that is a terrible idea. I’ll just stick with the overpriced, tiny computer that fits in my pocket. After all, I can use it everywhere. It allows me to write this article in class, at church, while driving and while sitting in the bathroom stall. I mean, I can’t just leave it at my apartment. What if something important happened, like free movie rentals or Lindsay Lohan nudie pictures hit cyber land? I need to get them before it’s too late. Who wouldn’t want that?! Sent from my iPhone

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True Life: I’m Facebook Obsessed

Elizabeth McDonough wrote this

There’s something I do multiple times a day that drives me insane. More than likely, it’s something you do also. I do it in class; I do it on Cyride. I do it at Lied; I do it in my bedroom. I do it in my car, I do it during lunch. I’ve told myself before that I’m going to stop doing it, but I get roped back into it every time. I see other people doing it in all of these places, as well. As a college student, I have a severe love/hate relationship with Facebook. We barely have a need for class reunions anymore, which doesn’t really break my heart, but searching for the guy who screwed you over sophomore year of high school is only a few mutual friend clicks away. We no longer need to wait ten years to get the sweet validation of seeing the head cheerleader stuffed into her Spanx, mak-

ing a sad attempt to relive the glory days. We can click on her profile to see her wedding photos, what she thought of last night’s episode of The Bachelor and any other information she wants the world to see. Now, there are those people who don’t know how to use Facebook properly. Certain antics such as posting ultrasound pictures, constantly updating statuses, excessively punctuating, using any form of “lol,” “jk,” or “idk,” and displaying emoticons (dear God, nothing infuriates me more than a semicolon smiley face) have resulted in many “friends” being blocked from my newsfeed. I don’t care that you just found a prized pig on Farmville. I don’t care that you are “9 days away from marrying the love of my life!” And I certainly don’t care to see your weekly updated photo album of how large your baby belly has gotten. Having control over your Facebook friends isn’t possible, but your own profile is comparable to a newborn child. Everyone presents their best self on their Facebook profile. We Picnik the hell out of our pictures until we’re a glowing orb of skin and eyes…of course, with a red Solo cup in hand. We “like” our favorite bands, and our “About Me” section gives us all the creative power in the world to copy and paste a Marilyn Monroe quote we just Googled. Or a John Lennon quote, if you’re “artsy.” It’s gotten to the point where people shun those who

Someone you know is planning her future.

don’t have Facebook accounts. Friend me on Facebook! What? You don’t have Facebook? Well then…I don’t know how we can do this friendship thing. Friendship is more than writing on someone’s wall when you remember how funny it was when they fell down in front of the bar last weekend. And friendship certainly isn’t making it obvious that you’ve just checked into Olde Main with 5 others “friends.” And these are the reasons why, at least once a week, I go back and forth between my rebellious/non-conforming self and my photo-tagging/college girl self on why I should delete my Facebook account. The weird thing is, I get scared. And the only reason I can think of as to why I would be scared is that I won’t have the documented history of my life on this website. It’s almost as if we think our actual memories aren’t enough. We want the option to go back into the archives of our friendships and remember that Arrested Development quote someone posted on your wall in 2007. Sure, it’s a great tool for some things. But social networking has taken to actually making us less social. And yet, as soon as I click save on this rant, I’m going to go to that damn website and hope I have a red box in the left hand corner waiting for me. I think I need to detox from Facebook. Hold on, I need to Tweet that…

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The Tale of a Reluctant Hipster

danielle levings wrote this

I have always hated hipsters. I scoff every time I see someone walk by wearing a pair of Toms or an unnecessary scarf. I openly berate indie music and people who don’t shower. I think hemp is stupid. So you can understand that when people started calling me a hipster, I was more than a little upset. As I began to carefully plan out my counter argument as to why I was not a hipster, I found myself at a loss for a solid debate base. It was then that a horrendous thought trickled into the depths of my mind: could I really be a hipster? I shuddered at the association, but I could not dig up the seed that had already been planted. So, I took an in depth look into myself and here is the breakdown on the hipster scale, by category: Dress: I generally don’t give two shits about my appearance. My hair is curly, and I am way too lazy to style it, so generally I look like Simba. I enjoy putting a Ke-dollar sign-ha braid in my hair and not taking it out for days (but I do shower, don’t panic). I can often be found in sweatpants, moccasins and some kind of t-shirt that I got for free (I’m also Jewish so I relish free things like a handout from Jesus). When I do go out, I wear pencil skirts and some kind of v-neck tee, preferably featuring a band I like or an ironic statement. I also wear thigh high fishnets with said outfit. Goddamnit this is already putting me way too high on the hipster scale for my liking. Rating: 7 hipsters Music: I HATE anything indie or regular alternative. I think that Guster is the scum of the earth, and anyone who likes Sublime can light themselves on fire with their blunt. That being said, I listen to artists that the majority of people have never heard of. My preferred genre is post-hardcore, and I like bands such as

Emarosa, Dance Gavin Dance and The Classic Crime. Never heard of them? I thought not (le sigh). I am also a DJ at KURE, where I play my angry, obscure, angsty music to which no one really listens, but whatever because I’M SHARING MY PASSION DAMMIT. Rating: 5 hipsters Self-Loathing/Denial: This newfound paradox of my hatred of hipsters and the simultaneous fact that I may actually be one plays right into the self-loathing nature of hipsters. Hipsters generally hate everyone, including themselves. I, too, hate everyone equally which, in turn, proves that I am not racist. I am also in denial about the fact that I am a hipster, which AGAIN is another trait of being one. I don’t even try. I don’t want to be a hipster. I hate myself for it. I seriously should have written this article in my own blood with a quill pen; it would have been painful and ironic. Rating: 10 hipsters. I’m crying on the inside. So I get an average rating of 7 hipsters on the “How Many Hipsters Am I Right Now?” scale. That sucks. I never asked for this! I just like naps and adorable things and screaming music and laziness. I guess that unfortunately makes me a hipster. I could start to accept it. Just kidding, that would be too ironic. Right, Alanis Morissette? Rain on your wedding day isn’t ironic, it’s just unfortunate. But I digress. Don’t follow my example. Or do, because if you don’t take my advice that makes you a hipster since you’re going against the grain. And if you do take my advice, you’re listening to a hipster, which in turn makes you more hipster-ey. The moral of this story is that because you just read this article, you’re screwed. Have a pleasant day.

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drinking game:

Getting Toasted

Nothing like cheering to everyone’s favorite sport: drinking. Here here, delicious puke juice, you’ve been with us through good times and bad! Number of Players: At least four. What You Need: Buds and suds, man. Intoxication Level: You’ll be French kissing some French toast. How to Play: - Participants sit at a table. - A randomly assigned toastmaster begins the game by standing, raising their glass in the air and saying, “A toast, a toast to ___(one word)___!” The Toastmaster must quickly sit down. - The player to the left of the toastmaster must then stand, hold his glass in the air and say “A toast, a toast to ___(Toastmaster’s word)___ ___(New word)___!” The new word must begin with the last letter of the Toastmaster’s word. That player must quickly sit down. - For example, if the Toastmaster’s word was “apple,” the 2nd player’s word would have to begin with an “e.” A sample would be, “A toast, a toast to apple elephant!” -This continues—with each player standing up, raising their glass and adding a new word that starts with the last letter of the previous word—until one player makes a mistake. - If a player does not stand up or raise their glass, this counts as a mistake. - The player that makes a mistake must drink one drink for each word in the toast. - The player that makes a mistake becomes the new Toastmaster. The Game Ends When: Someone toasts to toast.

Start the Fire” Most messed up thing you’ve seen at work?: A guy filling up a pitcher with his puke, and a dude who split his face open and bled everywhere. How many shots could you do in an hour?: 10 if I had to Who would you go gay for?: No one, I like the ladies too much What’s your shoe size?: 10 Does it correlate?: YES! Favorite drink to make / drink: Vodka lemonade Dare shot: Prairie Fire and Well Gin

recipe for disaster:

Chili-Cheese Frito Wraps

When the going gets tough the going gets hungry, but no one wants to go anywhere. Luckily this recipe can be made with some blurry vision walking into a convenience store and around $10. What You’ll Need: Chili, queso, Chili-Cheese Fritos, hot sauce, flour tortillas. Cook Time: No more than 10 minutes. Fatty Factor: The “recession weight” really starts to sneak up on you! Let’s Get Baked: - Put the chili in a pan on the stove-top, and cook until warm (about 5 minutes). - While that’s cooking, put some queso in a bowl and stick that in the microwave to warm up, about 3 minutes. - Once those are both warm, stick the tortilla in the microwave just to warm it a bit. - Once warmed, put a couple spoonfuls of chili and queso in the tortilla. - Lightly crush up a palm-full of Chili-Cheese Fritos and put those on top. - Garnish with hot sauce. - Roll up like a burrito and starting nomming. If you’re feeling fanciful, add any of these variations; jalapenos, Tabasco sauce, banana peppers, black olives, onions, sour cream, or tequila. You know, anything to make your butthole hate you more in the morning.

s l a i c e p s t a e Gr all week!

Let’s Be Honest About Class

Michael Glawe wrote this

Let’s be honest, we all said the same thing during the summer, “I can’t wait until college starts!” Now, two weeks into the fall semester you’re hearing, “I’m tired of school.” Listen, we all wish we could just skip the studying, go to work for some IBanking firm, snort cocaine every morning to stay awake and then in the evening prance around New York City spraying money out of a potato gun. Maybe that’s just my dream? Okay, let’s be realistic, we have to go to class because college is an investment and otherwise we’d be pissing away our parents’ (and the government’s) money. For those of us who actually do go to class, there are certain individuals who violate well-known classroom etiquette. Here are some situations that piss off even the most dedicated in-class sleeper or note-taker: So, you managed to snag a seat with a couple of minutes left until lecture time. You have one seat open to your right and one to your left. Plenty of arm space, plenty of breathing room and no prevailing body odors. You’re completely comfortable and ready to take on anything the professor has to dish out. Then, this nimrod zips into your peripheral vision with a minute until the start of class. You notice that he’s looking for a seat, so you sink deep into your chair and try to look as unapproachable as possible. You even go to the extent of snarling and slobbering like a ravenous wolf. Where does he end up choosing to sit out of the fifty available seats? He meanders his way over to the open seat next to you, and slides in right as the lecturer begins. You don’t say a thing, but your mind has a few choice words

for Mr. My-Breath-Kills-the-Ecosystem. Improper seating violations aren’t even the end of it! Before class and in the middle of a lecture, there are certain individuals whose voices obnoxiously disrupt your inclass slumber. It’s not being a teacher’s pet or an ass to say that students who loudly and frequently disrupt class really drag down the whole, “I woke up and kinda stumbled in here so I might as well learn” experience. For some odd reason, students feel the need to SPEAK VERY LOUDLY IN THE MIDDLE OF A LECTURE BECAUSE THE PERSON NEXT TO THEM IS APPARENTLY DEAF. One of these times you’ll have the audacity to turn around and say, “Hey, ummm… Shut your goddamn mouth.” The worst of the worst, though, is the guy who feels the need to twirl his mechanical pencil around like he’s a drummer. Everyone has witnessed an incident where some student accidently flung his pencil through the air and hit somebody in the head. What ticks you off even more is the amateur “twirlers” who are “practicing”. It seems that every minute these guys are dropping their pen or pencil, creating a resounding clank. When practicing in your room there is no risk of flinging a pencil into someone’s face, as if you’re playing darts at the local bar and you just scored a bull’s-eye. Like most anyone that actually wants to graduate from this fine institution, you should go to class. You should sit there and learn, not act like an ass and ruin an already-miserable experience for everyone. We don’t want to be here either, dude.

"For some odd reason, students feel the need to SPEAK VERY LOUDLY IN THE MIDDLE OF A LECTURE BECAUSE THE PERSON NEXT TO THEM IS APPARENTLY DEAF."

Matamoros Monday • $4 Margaritas • $11 Buckets of Corona or Dos Equis • $5 Pork Fajitas Karaoke Tuesday • $5 for 8 Boneless Wings • $1 Tube Shots • $2.25 Spiced Rum & Pepsi Patio Party Wednesday • $10 for 10 tickets (7-1am) • $1 Burgers and Dogs (7-11pm) • Bags on the patio! 2FerThursday • 2fer Wells • 2fer Pork Tenderloins • $2.50 Domestic Pints

Unfiltered Friday • $3.50 Pints Blvd Wheat • $5 Regular Nachos • $1.50 Keystone Light Draws • $3.50 All Craft / Imports Wing It Saturday • $0.59 Wings and Gizzards • $10 Domestic Buckets Sunday Funday • $5 Pound of Chicken • $7 Pitchers of Keystone Light • $5 Bloody Mary Bar

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New Show Schizo:

Why (and Why not) to Tune in This Fall

Fall TV season is right around the corner, which means a horde of new shows to further amplify America’s obesity issues. We look at 6 new shows and their potential fates. Will they be one-and-done like your mom was last night or will they stick around forever, pleasing our every whim, like your sister? Only time will tell! By: Atish & Brendan

Title: Apartment 23 Starring: Dreama Walker, Krysten Ritter James Van Der Beek Date/Time/Channel: Midseason on ABC Why You Should Watch It: From his cameos in How I Met Your Mother, Franklin and Bash, and even a Ke$ha video, James Van Der Beek doesn’t disappoint. The plot of the show is completely irrelevant (although admittedly awful) since you’ll be focused on Dawson Leary from episode one. Why You Shouldn’t: This show is shaping up to land into the fat middle of television—a show that’s not bad enough to turn off, but not good enough to DVR. Just be wary of falling into Van Der Beek’s head’s gravitation pull, you’ll never escape.

Title: Person of Interest Starring: Jim Caviezel, Michael Emerson Date/Time/Channel: Thursday, 9EST/8CST, CBS Why You Should Watch It: With J.J. Abrams executive producing and one of the Lost actors in the show, it’s going to be both awesome and compelling. If he could turn Felicity and Alias into must-sees, then this one should be just fine. Why You Shouldn’t: The hater in us can begrudgingly admit Person of Interest looks, well, interesting. Still, the overarching plot-- a billionaire who recruits a presumeddead CIA agent to catch violent criminals in New York City—is too far-fetched and not properly defined for our taste.

Title: Terra Nova Starring: Jason O’Mara, Stephen Lang, Shelly Conn Date/Time/Channel: Monday, 8EST/7CST, Fox Why You Should Watch It: It’s like Jurassic Park meets Lost (those episodes centered around the first settlers) mixed with Stargate and some show that has people having sex a lot because they are scared. Winner. Why You Shouldn’t: Terra Nova, with its dystopian future and dinosaurs from millions of years ago is shaping up to be like nacho cheese and lime Jell-o, two awesome individual things that, when mixed together, produce lessthan-optimum results.

Title: Playboy Club Starring: Amber Heard, Jenna Dewan-Tatum, Eddie Cibrian Date/Time/Channel: Monday, 10EST/9CST, NBC Why You Should Watch It: Any show they are boycotting in Salt Lake City and pretty much the entire state of Utah is worth watching. Sure they won’t show you any boobs since it’s on NBC, but after it gets cancelled and picked up as a Direct-TV only show with full nudity, you’re going to wish you were watching from the start. Why You Shouldn’t: This period drama is a pretty obvious Mad Men knockoff, attempting to capture the cool of 1960s casual misogyny. Except it’s on network TV, so all the sexy bits will be toned down. And if Amber Heard isn’t naked, then what’s the point?

Title: How to Be a Gentleman Starring: David Hornsby, Kevin Dillon Date/Time/Channel: Thursday, 8:30EST/7:30CST, CBS Why You Should Watch It: Sure the show is going to suck, but we know it will make one hell of a drinking game. Anytime Kevin Dillion tries to be serious, take a shot. Anytime your little brother can re-enact a scene as Kevin Dillon perfectly, take a shot. You get the idea. Why You Shouldn’t: People, when are we going to stop pretending that Kevin Dillon is great at acting like a mongoloid and just accept the fact that he lucked into the one career when he can succeed despite being an actual mongoloid?

Title: Last Man Standing Starring: Tim Allen, Nancy Travis Date/Time/Channel: Tuesday, 8EST/&CST, ABC Why You Should Watch It: This has to be Tim Allen’s ultimate comeback. I mean, it can’t be any worse than the Santa Clause movies, Joe Somebody, Christmas with the Kranks, The Shaggy Dog, or Wild Hogs…right? Why You Shouldn’t: Last Man Standing is a network sitcom about a guy (Allen) asserting his manhood in a world dominated by women. So basically it’s one doofus dude that wants to do guy things, but his levelheaded wife and sassy teenage daughters won’t let him. Unless this is some sort of meta-satire of the whole sitcom genre (Note: It is not) then how exactly is this different from According to Jim?

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Kids These Days

the interview

Kids These Days are a bunch of rapscallions from the fine city of Chicago that just so happen to be in a band. Their eclectic style, a mix of soul, hip-hop, jam and funk, made us want to talk to them. Macie, the lady lead, obliged.

CD REVIEW

Out Now

Girls

Father, Son, Holy Ghost

Honesty is what makes Girls great. The band Girls is not comprised of girls, but is made up of two key members, Christopher Owens, the lead singer, and Chet “JR” White, two boys. Owens, a Texas native, was once a part of the Children of God, essentially a really bizarre religious cult that was notorious for its liberal sexuality and its rumored sexual abuse of young children. His brother died when he was a baby, his father left, and his mother often had to prostitute herself for the sake of the cult. That shit’s so fucked up. It’s no wonder that Owens up and moved to California (under the aid of a local millionaire) and started playing an interesting combination of indie pop and badass rock, basically not giving a damn what genre he or his music fell into. I mean, he named his band Girls. Their sophomore release Father, Son, Holy Ghost starts off with “Honey Bunny” and sounds similar to their last album, which was ever so ironically titled Album. It’s a good tune to start the album off, yet it somewhat misleads the listener; if only the rest of the album could be as happy, upbeat and catchy… but don’t we always want life to be more like that, yadda, yadda, yadda? Owens sings about how girls don’t like his bony body or his dirty hair or the drugs that he’s on, but he knows she’s out there and it’s all going to be okay. The first single from their album, though, is “Vomit,” a six-and-a-half minute song about looking for and needing love, with awesome guitar solos mixed in throughout. It’s an emotional song that borders on whiney and slightly on unoriginality, which is the only

B+

general downfall of the entire album. The upbeat songs are what make this album great, while it’s sad to say that the slow, emotional songs like “My Ma” are what make the album drag on, even though they may be the most honest of the bunch. But just when you’ve had enough, you hear a song like “Die” that is pure, honest rock and makes you understand why Guns N’ Roses was an influence on a young Owens. “Saying I Love You” is a nice 50’s-esque song to the tune of a Buddy Holly or the Beach Boys, and is a good example of an emotional song while still being interesting, and less, you know, emo and whiney. The path Girls is on is a good one, so it’s high time these emo boys started to perk up a bit. Unless that means taking more prescription pills, then it’s not, or if it means that they won’t play as good of music, then it’s not. So perhaps it’s their sincere emotion that makes it all worth the while. Like, no one likes the person that’s always claim to feel good about life. We like the people who are real; one day they’re joyously optimistic about a new guy they’re dating, the next they are crying on your shoulder about how they miss their parents. Though Owens might be paining over something a little more deep, I’d let him cry on my shoulder whenever he’d like. Sounds Like: An even hipper Buddy Holly. Download: Honey Bunny, Saying I Love You, Magic Listen to it When: You’re feeling a little bi-polar.

The Black Sheep: So I know the band is all relatively young, but how old are you? Macie Stewart: I’m 18. TBS: And how old is the oldest person in the band? Macie: I think 19? TBS: That makes me sad. When and how did you guys start getting together? Macie: Well, a few of us went to high school together, and some of us—not me, unfortunately-- went to the Merit School of Music and enjoyed playing music together, so they decided to start a band. They brought in me and [rapper] Vic, because we had all gone to school together. The band started there. TBS: How does a band so young write songs that evoke emotion, when, frankly, you’re lacking a lot of the life experiences your peers have? Macie: Personally, I write ambiguous lyrics drawn from my own experiences, while Vic writes his stuff based on his life, but also what he’s seen living in the city of Chicago. TBS: What have you been a part of that helped you define your vision as a musician? Macie: My mother is a musician and she—in large part—inspired me to write music. She’s good and it inspired me to write my own kind of music. Other artists like Fiona Apple and Metric inspire me to write my own lyrics instead of singing someone else’s. TBS: And with such a large band how do artistic contributions work? Like, how do you guys go about birthing a song? Macie: Sometimes someone will bring in an idea, and we’ll all build off that idea, whether it’s adding horns or a piano part. It’s really organic how we write our music, it’s not like we’re just sitting around saying, “let’s write a song!” TBS: How would you describe your band in 5 words or less. Macie: We have our own sound. TBS: Not bad. Macie: It’s hard to describe, we all have different influences, and we bring them together to create some-

thing new. TBS: Do you ever worry that the eclectic sound you have will come off as unfocused? Macie: No, we play what we like and we play what we think sounds good. If someone thinks we’re unfocused, fuck ‘em. What we do, we do out of love. TBS: How would you describe a live show to someone who hasn’t seen you before? Macie: Crazy, lots of energy, fun and a lot of music. A party at the venue and a party on stage. Shows are the most fun part of this thing, I think. TBS: What’s the most fun show you’ve ever played? Macie: We played the Bele Chere festival in Ashville, North Carolina and it was the most fun I’ve had on stage. The crowd was just great and we were really feeling it. TBS: Do you guys hang out off-stage, or is it more of a “we’re done here, let’s all go our separate ways” kind of thing? Macie: We hang out after rehearsal, because practice is for practicing, and we like each other. TBS: Are you guys prevented from doing certain things because of your youth? Macie: I don’t think it prevents stuff, but sometimes we’ll play a 21+ venue and they’ll treat us like kids, writing huge “X”s on our hands or they won’t let us into the venue because we don’t have a 21+ ID. Shit happens, but there’s been nothing that has, like, totally held us back. TBS: If you could collaborate with any living artist, who would it be? Macie: Stevie Wonder. TBS: If you could pick a mythical creature as a pet, which would it be and why? Macie: That thing from Harry Potter, what’s it called? TBS: A Hippogriff? Macie: Yeah! TBS: If you could replace one part of your body with a robot replacement, what would you do? Macie: My legs, then I could run superduper fast. TBS: Favorite childhood movie? Macie: Mulan.

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TOP TEN

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Pick-up Lines Guaranteed to Fail

We all do it. Whether we use them for sport or for scoring, pick-up lines have always been a part of dating and hooking up culture. I am far from gifted in this area. Time and time again, my compliments turn insulting, she’s not interested, or in one case, I almost get knocked unconscious. Over the years, I decided to really test the boundaries of the practice of pick-up lines by finding the ones most guaranteed to fail. Here are the best.

Cyride, Die ride Merritt Rethlake wrote this The doors open. You gaze up at the driver. His eyes seemingly say, “Good luck, you pathetic bastard,” because he knows what lies ahead of you. First, you have to make it up the awkwardly-leveled steps. They are essentially your platform for failure and paralyzing self-doubt. If you’re experienced enough to make it past that first obstacle, you can attempt the next task: trying to find a seat. You can uncomfortably try to squeeze in between two people who clearly don’t want you there, but what other option do you have? After some skillful maneuvering, you get yourself situated in a space that’s even too small for Stewie Griffin. But instead of passing time by sifting through old texts on your phone, take this time to survey your surroundings. This bus shelters a diverse community of ISU students we all know but don’t necessarily love. The Freshman: Flashing his shiny student ID to the driver even though it’s the orange route. Don’t you understand 8AM CyRide etiquette? If you start blabbering about incessant crap at that decibel again, that lanyard is going to find a new home. Sit down and shut up. The Crammer: Stop. Just stop. There is no way you’re going to learn half a semester’s worth of calculus in your 6-minute bus ride. But by all means, continue on with your superb studying strategy. And hey, even though you’ll end up failing your exam, you’ll at least look good right? Disheveled. Tripped out on caffeine. Posing the threat that contact from anything other than your textbook will be the death of you. Good luck to you. Especially considering the fact you left your calculator on the bus. The Head Bobber: We’ve all been there, but that doesn’t keep us from judging the hell out of the person who’s trying so hard to stay awake. It’s more entertaining than anything. You see their eyes slowly

close, and their head start to drop. You can tell they’re fighting it with every fiber in their being, but the motion of the CyRide is so smooth and steady… Just steer clear and try not to sit by them. You never know when they’ll PTFO. And your shoulder looks extra comfy. That One Girl: You inadvertently always seem to be giving her “the up-down.” Damn. A killer body with a face to protect it. She sure looks nice from the back though. The Asians: You’re only lucky enough to see one if you’re ANYWHERE IN AMES. Or if they’re lucky enough to make it to the bus on time. The Frat Star and the Sorostitute: Comparing stories from last night because it was “so epic.” Good thing you have your Sperry’s on, you never know when CyRide might morph into a yacht. Tweeting at each other and speaking in abbrevs takes up the passing time. They’ll go to class together, not pay attention to a damn thing and still manage to get by. And they’ll make sure you know it, too. The “Where Did You Get that T-Shirt?”: These people provide some light reading for you on your morning ride. Just take a look at what they’re wearing. You know they’re knowledgeable in areas like “Birds of Prey” because their shirt says so. These are the same people who prefer their life mottos to be screen-printed. “I’m not as think as you drunk I am.” How original. Good to know you’re wearing that in front of your professor for an hour. “Out of Your League.” Negatory. (Unless that league falls under cosmic bowling, only then may your point be valid.) Pull that string and thank the driver because your journey on CyRide has ended. But don’t you dare make a move until it’s at a complete stop.

10. My lawyer said I need a witness to prove I didn’t do anything wrong this time. So, yes, my friend with the video camera follows me everywhere? He keeps the unused stuff for his YouTube videos. What’s your name? Wanna see my penis? 9. These napkins smell funny. Does this smell like chloroform to you? The other three girls in the back of my van all thought it did. 8. Do you mind if I stand over you while you sleep tonight? You know, like Paranormal Activity style? I promise not to wake you, plus if anyone breaks in, then I have that situation totally covered. 7. I love your furniture better the way it was. Especially before you bought that ugly footstool and threw off the whole color scheme. Did your ex-boyfriend buy that for you? He seems like a real nice guy. He says you put out after someone mentions whiskey. So, here is some whiskey. You wanna get out of here now? 6. My mom told me that I should marry the first beautiful woman I see. I see you. You are beautiful. We’ve got a pastor and my mother waiting in the car. It’s a Ford Fiesta but there is enough room for you and me to snuggle in the backseat. So...you in? 5. Are my expectations low enough to take you home yet? Cuz I feel drunk enough to find you attractive. What? No, I’m not offended by your moustache, I have one too, we should rub them together. 4. You’re just big enough to fit in my trunk. I just need to move the clutter I have in there from the last time. Damn bloody tarps! No, I…uh…go hunting a lot. In my Prius. 3. So, do you have chlamydia too? Cuz just looking at you gets me all itchy. If you don’t have it, don’t think of it as a sexually transmitted disease, think of it as a sexually transmitted investment. 2. My roommates likes to watch...I live with my parents. 1. I remember when I looked like you. Then I got the ole sex change. Snip snip and now no balls to dip. Would you like to see what modern science can really do?

Adam Carver wrote this

SHOUT OUTS!

To the hot blonde I see on the bus everyday wearing the white pencil skirt...can we be friends? - Guy in the blue hat, everyday. Hey Justin, remember when you punched a hole in the wall? And then that guy one up’d you with an elbow in the wall! - Dave Dude Jason! Remember when you got drunk and started playing real life Fruit Ninja?! That was really weird. - Samantha Steve, thanks for the free showing. Watching you get beat up and arrested on that guy’s lawn was amazing. - The roommates that hate you.

SEND IN YOUR BEST SHOUT OUT TO SHOUT@theblacksheeponline.com or upload them at theblacksheeponline.com

Owais! I stole your tie way too many thanks for being so inviting and times last night! Sorry, but at least letting us crash at your place while you got to use it on me later? -Steph our lost friend turned up...and for the pizza. - apt 5 William, you definitely learned your lesson to not blow a whistle at a cop past midnight...sorry for running away. -Chris Matt, next time you decide to play “Sammy! Hey! Please give me drunken target practice with a bow another chance to try out some and arrow, try not using my door more pick up lines! One of them is as your target. Thanks. -Jake bound to work!” Dear Jenny, please forgive me for the vomit under your pillow! When I’m drunk and throw up, I try and hide things...-Meg Dear strange guy in apartment 7,

SHOUT OUT OF THE WEEK

STOP LIGHT NIGHT

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17 19 20

24 25

32 33

F R A B N O K O E G N I E S Y T M E A I A N T N

Cheater!

www.CrosswordWeaver.com

ACROSS He wears Prada. Lives in the garden. Slips his fat ass down the chimney. Big socks imply a _____ _____. Hides eggs. Naked baby hunter. "Dawn of the Dead." Voldemort's an evil one. Male equivalent of witch. Cries for the Irish. This monster lives in Scotland and probably isn't real. People fish. Sneaky little guys responsible for sabotaging aircraft in one of the movies. Bird that ignites at the end of life. A unibrow would be most appropriate for this guy. Halo heads.

39 40 42 43 44

Three wishes. Breathes fire. Human head, horse body. Three-headed dog. Jolly green guy.

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Meet The Staff!

27 30

editorial Manager Molly Bryant

campus manager Brian Skalak

Advertising Manager Averi Tjarks

distribution Manager Julio Espada

32 34

Marketing Manager Lilly Melander

Marketing Team Travis Ziemke Writers Danielle Levings Luke Elzinga Adam Carver Breanne Brousil Merritt Rethlake Leanna Hasenmiller

DOWN

photographer I want me lucky charms. Julie Vujnovich

1 2 Salem _____ trials. 3 Beware of full moon. 4 Live in a rainbow-trimmed, cotton candy cloud. 8 Half man, half bull. 10 "Family Guy" family. 11 Little dolls with jewels in their bellies. 15 Small, mischievous green monster of sorts. 16 Borat wants their tears. 19 They steer clear of garlic and crosses. 21 I'm Buddy the _____. What's your

cartoonist Danielle Hernandez campus director Brendan Bonham

Founders Brian Skalak, Averi Tjarks, Brendan Bonham, Atish Doshi, Heather-Jo Erickson, Jimmy DeBlasio, and Jessica Sommers

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Disclaimer The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. The content does not always reflect the views of the staff, it is for entertainment purposes only. Please drink...responsibly and legally. Owned & Operated By: Black Card Media, LLC P.O. Box 221385 Chicago, IL 60622 217.390.1747

Fictional Creatures

15 18

Solution:

M I N Y O T A R D U R

I G R P I F F I H N O B B I X T

1 I want me lucky charms. 2 Salem _____ trials. 3 Beware of full moon. 4 Live in a rainbow-trimmed, cotton candy cloud. 8 Half man, half bull. 10 “Family Guy” family. 11 Little dolls with jewels in their bellies. 15 Small, mischievous green monster of sorts. 16 Borat wants their tears. 19 They steer clear of garlic and crosses. 21 I’m Buddy the _____. What’s your favorite color? 23 Adorable people in “Lord of the Rings.” 24 Big furfest; in many Japanese films. 25 Sprinkles magic dust. 26 He was assembled by lots of different parts. 28 Blue midget. 29 Head of the Greek Gods. 31 Scary character with lots of snot. 33 Beautiful sparkling pony with head decor. 35 Cutest Pokemon. 36 Napoleon Dynamite’s favorite animal. 38 Under 4’10” and older than 18. 41 Shrek.

DOWN

C A N T A R E R B U N B E A W I Z R S H E E L F S M L I N U R L F I D G E W E T A U R R F G

Fictional Creatures Creatures Fictional

5 He wears Prada. 6 Lives in the garden. 7 Slips his fat ass down the chimney. 9 Big socks imply a _____ _____. 12 Hides eggs. 13 Naked baby hunter. 14 “Dawn of the Dead.” 17 Voldemort’s an evil one. 18 Male equivalent of witch. 20 Cries for the Irish. 22 This monster lives in Scotland and probably isn’t real. 27 People fish. 30 Sneaky little guys responsible for sabotaging aircraft in one of the movies. 32 Bird that ignites at the end of life. 34 A unibrow would be most appropriate for this guy. 37 Halo heads. 39 Three wishes. 40 Breathes fire. 42 Human head, horse body. 43 Three-headed dog. 44 Jolly green guy.

W G N O M E R F O O T E A S R W D O Z O M B G L L Y L F V P S B A E S S G M I F O P M E R M A I D I S I Z G R R I E C Y C L O P S L I A K A D R A G O N C E G H C E R B E R U S E

ACROSS

L W D E V I L P T R C B E H C C U H G W A R L O C K U B N L O C I N Z P H O E N U U A N G E L S I C O R N

the crossword

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