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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 3 8/30/12 - 9/05/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_UGA
if uga buses were in mario kart Alex Edelstein wrote this
It’s the same every day. You’re standing at the bus stop on Baldwin with one hundred other kids. It wouldn’t be so bad if everyone was just waiting quietly, but no, that’s not the case. There are the frat boys—you know, the ones who walk around with their shirts tucked in and fanny packs around their waists, yelling about how drunk they got last night and how many phone numbers they scored. Then there are the smokers—the ones that stand awkwardly close to the crowd as if they get paid to piss people off by blowing smoke into other folk’s faces. You don’t realize how bad these people actually are until you are all crammed into the East-West bus, where the space separating them from you is nonexistent. Imagine if bus rides were like a game of Mario Kart - the drivers were Italian plumbers, princesses, or even giant turtles with spiky red mohawks. Each would drive at breakneck speeds, letting nothing stop them from reaching the bus stops on time. What if a person decided to stop while crossing the street to send a text? No problem, just launch a barrage of green shells at the kid and knock him off the street. Are too many bikers crowding the roads and constantly making the busses late? Call down some lightning and shrink those bastardy bikers to the size of ants. But let’s be realistic, as much as we’d like to call lightning down from the heavens to solve all of our problems, we’ll just have to use what’s already around us to make do. Have you ever had that problem where people run up to the buses as the doors are closing? Take a cue from Mario Kart and use some bananas to slow them down. Unfortunately bananas are not always readily available on the bus, but freshman are. They are as abundant as bananas are in Mario Kart, and are equally good at slowing people down. Just push a few freshman out the doors to slow those latecomers down so the bus driver doesn’t have to wait.
Eulogy for the Bathroom Graffiti Whatever shall we read whilst shatting?
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Maybe you’re feeling a little too nice to just push freshman off the bus, but still don’t want people invading your personal space. Take another tip from Mario Kart and set up a fake item box, or in this case a fake bus stop sign. Maybe you have a friend who is really into machining things out of metal and you can convince him to dummy up a new sign. You could take that sign and plant it in the ground 100 feet from your usual bus stop. It doesn’t have to be too convincing, because students who are new to the bus system won’t be able to tell the difference between a real and a fake sign,
what’s inside
top ten schools to hate Everyone’s a rival and everyone’s a redneck
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and they’re the ones who are usually late anyway. You can then watch from afar with a grin as people line up to wait for a bus that will never come. At least for a little while you won’t have to worry about crowded buses, until people catch on. But the next time some hot and sweaty guy gets a little too close to you on the bus, try and imagine that it’s just a big game of Mario Kart, and on the next lap you are going to nail him with that dreaded blue shell.
The Perils of Tate Plaza
Do you want to join our club? Do you want to join our club? You should join our club! Club club club!
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