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• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 4 9/6/12 - 9/12/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_UGA
Our Own Red and Dead jess wise wrote this
We reported a few weeks ago on the drama that went down at The Red & Black, and since then there have been some nail-biting developments. Following their huffy walk-out and attempt to start a rival newspaper, The Red and Dead staff took a bold step and returned peacefully to The Red & Black. Wait… what? That’s right. They achieved the world’s most boring resolution to the world’s most exciting conflict. Congratulations, you guys. Not to put it down, but The Red & Black is kind of a snoozefest. It’s just true. So we shouldn’t have been surprised with their underwhelming attempt at creating intrigue. Here at The Black Sheep, though, we are heroes. We’re not only comfortable when the shit hits the fan, we’ll gladly smear it on your grandma’s face. If we got into a rumble with our editors, we would do more than blog angrily about it for 3 days. We would take it to the next level, and then all the levels above that. People want drama, and we would provide. We would create our very own Hunger Games, Athens style. We would set ourselves loose downtown with nothing but a pair of open-toed shoes and $5 in change. Forced to roam the streets looking for sustenance and shelter, we would brave the elements and fight to survive. The last writer standing would emerge from the rubble a true champion. Of course, all of us would try our hardest. We would use all of our street smarts, but it’s a jungle downtown. Human life is not supposed to survive in a place that is 90% bars, 5% overpriced clothing, and 5% homeless people. We would lose one brave tribute to dehydration. He would go from bar to bar, begging for water, but getting only alcohol instead. When one bartender finally takes pity on him, the only cup they have would be a shot glass. One shot of water can’t undo 25 shots of tequila, so he would eventually
Ann Romney She paid people to pull up her bootstraps, just like you and me!
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collapse in a Randy Travis-scented heap, never to rise again. After that, a feisty tribute with a heart of gold would fall during a turf war with the local homeless. Her attempt at panhandling would anger the regulars, and they would unite against her, throwing broken bottles and shouting incomprehensible insults (much like Tom Waits at every show). Her amateur shiv would be no match for their weathered hobo skin. Another courageous soul would make the rookie mistake of walking down Broad Street at closing time. He would be trampled by bros emerging from bars like a toddler at the World Cup. He was doomed from the start.
what’s inside
Finally, only one would remain, discovering a place to hide out near the Arch. This tribute would have all the glory, and he would go down in Black Sheep history. But even after the Games, our staff would be more badass than The Red & Black could ever imagine—the ghosts of the fallen writers would haunt the shit out of downtown. We would never let Athens forget how hardcore we were. So take that Red & Black. Go back to your cushy office and whine about all the institutional support you receive. We feel really sorry for you. Pussies.
Five Must-See Places for an Arrestee Go here first before you
Top Ten Ways of Getting Arrested Notice a trend here? Just
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straight up and act a fool. Scared straight!
don’t get naked and start fighting everyone, trust us.