The Black Sheep Fr
ee
.... li ke ke t ep he si n wom his ba en k se eit me h nt lla ! d
o
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 7 9/27/12 - 10/3/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_UGA
this fall’s look is au naturale Sarra Sedghi wrote this
Well, the Red & Black has done it again: Yet another column has sent students into an uproar. Again. Soon instructions for a Keith Llado dartboard will swarm Pinterest. As infuriating as he is, however, that douche bag with the vagina-shaped smile was right about one thing—over the last century, or however long it’s been, women’s attire has become shorter and skimpier. Soon we’ll all be partying with Lindsay Lohan, because she will be the only person left to respect us. You know, because our clothes are so disrespectful. I wonder if he considered if it has something to do with the dramatic increase in our rights. Once women decided they didn’t give a shit who saw their ankles, the rights started pouring in. We can vote. We can join the military. We are allowed custody of our children after a divorce. And most importantly, we are not only allowed to, but are encouraged to leave the house. But we aren’t stopping there. Women are about to rule the world, and we definitely need to make a statement that will go along with all that power. So, what should our next great fashion atrocity be? Nudity. The same style we sported before style even existed. The uniform that preceded patriarchy. Walking around naked makes perfect sense. First of all, being naked is free, so the money that would go to clothes could be spent on more important things, like food and illicit substances. No clothes also means no dress code, so girls wouldn’t have to worry whether their outfits aren’t appropriate for certain occasions. And think of all the time we’ll save! No more being late to class or hogging up someone’s Saturday night from not knowing what to wear. This is revolutionary! Now is the most opportune time for women to make the next great fashion statement. The election is coming up, and it’s important to know how the candidates will react to our skyrocketing rights. Why should they limit the debates to birth control and abortions? We should get a monthly allowance of candy to help us get through our periods. It’d be a nice reward for not getting knocked up, and I think candy is something that both parties can agree on.
ful weather in is by keeping every square inch of our bodies uncovered. When it starts to cool down a little more, we can take another cue from our ancestors and grow a luscious coat of hair all over our bodies to keep warm. Now we have another excuse to not shave our legs! If your body hair isn’t thick enough to keep you warm, do know that a bare ass looks great with a cardigan and a belt.
Finally, on a more current note, the weather is just starting to get gorgeous. Obviously, the best way to take all this wonder-
Hate on it if you want, but nudity is the most progressive fashion statement women can make. So what if we don’t look like
are you harry potter or are you just drunk?
what’s inside
top 10 drunken eateries
but why can’t it be both?
eat as much as you possibly can at snelling, then pee all over the floor.
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Southern Belles anymore? We haven’t for a long time! The Antebellum period ended 152 years ago. I mean really, people, that was before the Civil War! That term should be left in the dust, just like slavery and the Confederacy. The south, unlike skirt lengths, will not rise. It’s 2012, guys. There’s a chance we might not make it to next year, so let’s shed all the hate. And, of course, our clothes.
Raising awareness: jess cancer one of our articles gave someone cancer! quick, call the... whambulence?
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contents page 4: the joys of sexting
Questions? Comments? Compliments? Insults? info@theblacksheeponline.com
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If it’s not a sext, don’t send us a text.
page 10: bartender of the week olivia from the mad hatter considers herself a young keira knightly.
Table of
page 11: from the streets
what mascot do you wish uga would have if we weren’t the bulldogs?
page 12: flipping the script What happens when your favorite TV character stops being fake, and starts being real?
page 13: our interview with junk culture this modern one-man band is in the gnome.
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now hiring! Why wouldn't you want to work somewhere with unlimited koozies and a "pants are optional” policy?
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apply online at theblacksheeponline.com
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! k e e W e h t f o c Pi
college kids i want to punch in the face "The One Who Thinks They Know Everything"
Sexy Anagrams
I AM BEEEEEEER MAAAANNNN! (Want to be famous next week? Awesome.)
Send us your pic of the week at pics@theblacksheeponline.com
Ark As Hi
Do you know who these hotties are? Send your answers to anagrams@theblacksheeponline.com First five right answers get a prize!
Rich Mesh Throws last week’s answers
Arianny Celeste & Ryan Phillippe
word of the week
Castrabate: A forced stoppage of masturbation by either party in a relationship.
“Dude, ever since Ann gave Keith the castrabate ultimatum he’s been arrested twice for beating up strangers in the street.”
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Are you Harry Potter? Or are you just drunk? cody mann wrote this It’s been a long week of classes, work, and meetings and you’re just ready to drink your stress away on Friday night. So you go out, get smashed, and everything’s suddenly feeling so much better. All your friends are around you and the atmosphere is magical! Wait. Magical?! A sneaking suspicion grows on you, and you just have to know—are you actually Harry Potter? You could’ve sworn you went out to Athens, but suddenly everything looks a little too much like Hogsmeade. Don’t worry, The Black Sheep has got you covered. Just make sure to carry our handy guide with you wherever you go, and you’ll always be able to tell whether you’re the Boy Who Lived or just the Boy Who Lived a Bit Too Much. First off, find a stick somewhere and try to bring it into a bar. Wands are an essential item for any wizard, so if you’re in a magical tavern, the bouncer won’t give you a second glance. Granted, if he doesn’t allow you to bring in your “wand,” he could just be a Muggle. So this is just a quick preliminary test rather than a really decisive one. The next test is also an easy one. Grab the nearest broomstick and find a clear roof, because it’s time for a flying test. Either you’re not Harry Potter, and therefore won’t be able to heal yourself, or you are and you could possibly get a FUI citation (Flying Under the Influence) for flying so obviously. If the flying test is also inconclusive, there are still more ways to figure this out. Find a mirror and check out your reflection. Is there a scar on your forehead? If not, don’t rule out the possibility that you just can’t see it because you don’t have your glasses on. If there definitely is a scar there are two possible explanations: either you actually are Harry Potter, or you cut your head open during the flying test. Get to the hospital, dummy! If you notice a hooded figure following you in the shadows, regardless of whether you’re Harry Potter or not, it’s probably not a Dementor unless you’ve also noticed the temperature drop precipitously. So there’s not a lot to worry about there—you’re probably just about to get kidnapped in an alley or something.
One other thing to keep in mind: when you’re wandering around outside, you’re likely to see some bright green lights. If there seems to be a general sense of panic around you, then RUN! Voldemort’s trying to cast the Killing Curse on you! But, if everything seems to be relatively normal, then those lights are probably just the traffic signals of Jackson Street. In that case, do not run. Running will cause a car to cast a Killing Curse of its own on you. If, after reading all the tips above, you’re still not sure whether or not you’re actually a student at UGA or at Hogwarts, there is one surefire test that will undoubtedly tell you the truth. Yell out the name “Voldemort!” really really loudly in a bar. Either people will begin shrieking in fear (telling you that you really are the Chosen One) or they will begin laughing hysterically at you (telling you that you really the Crazy One). However, only resort to this method as necessary, as the resulting panic/embarrassment will be fairly intense. So remember, folks, always keep this guide on hand during your weekly (or nightly) forays into the possibly magical world of Five Points. Who knows, it might just save you from Voldemort.
The Joys of Sexting wes allen wrote this The Black Sheep doesn’t care what you think about sexting. However, we do want you to know our thoughts on the subject. And to put it bluntly, we love it. Our motto is and always will be, “If it’s not a sext, don’t send me a text.” Check our inboxes on any given day - they are filled to the brim with obscene sexual wordplay, fantasies that would haunt your nightmares, and a plethora of dick and pussy pictures. Seriously, we wish that we were exaggerating about this. We sext so damn much that we barely have any time to write hilarious articles. But can you blame our staff for our infatuation with sexting? Yeah, we know that there are negative consequences that can result from sexting. Whatever. Sex is on everyone’s mind and cell phones are more common than footwear. We think sexting gets a bad rap in today’s society, and now we feel it is our duty to shed light on the pros of sexting. Most of the time, sex takes place in the dull comfort of a bedroom. Sexting, on the other hand, has no limitations. Sexting is ideal for lecture-based classes, grocery shopping, working out, road trips, vacations, and pretty much any place in reach of a cell phone tower. Just whip it out (your phone), stick your message in, and then finish by hitting the send button. Sexting in public places is sure to add a certain thrill factor to the equation. One can’t help but look around the room at those who are not engaging in technological intercourse and smirk at their ignorance. Unfortunately, getting laid takes work. Showering is a must, and wearing your favorite pair of holey underwear just won’t cut it. Feeling horny, but just don’t feel like putting in all the effort? No fear, sexting is here. You could be munching on Flaming Hot Cheetos, drinking Bud Light Platinum, and watching re-runs of the Golden Girls while getting your sext on. It’s all about imagination, and whose imagination isn’t going to conjure up the greatest sex imaginable? Yeah, nobody’s. Sexting is a great way to learn about a person sexually before making the real plunge. Through sexting, you are able to learn what turns a person on, her favorite position, and if her
confidence is where you like it to be or not. Sexting is like that study guide that you wish all major exams came with. If you don’t like the study guide, don’t take the test. Sexting makes it simple. Sexting is 100% disease and pregnancy free. When’s the last time you met someone downtown with those credentials? Unless you were hanging out with a giant condom, the answer is never. Sex is great, but goddamn is it dangerous! Sure, herpes, syphilis, gonorrhea all sound like the worst diseases in the world, but you know what’s actually worse? A fucking child. Don’t get us wrong, The Black Sheep loves babies, but we can’t handle that responsibility right now ,and neither can you. The Black Sheep does care about your opinion, but only if it aligns with ours on sexting. As you can see, sexting has so many positives associated with it, the negative consequences shouldn’t even matter. We are sexting professionals, so don’t be discouraged if you suck at first. We are convinced that the world will soon be living by our motto: “If it’s not a sext, don’t send me a text.”
The Top 10
drunken eateries
TOPPERS INTERNATIONAL SHOWBAR
10. Your Best Friend’s Pantry: On a more typically inebriated night you might find yourself intoxicated, but not as drunk as that freshman puking by the Arch. Don’t go back to your house! Who are you kidding? You know that all you have at home is a can of green beans and some stale potato chips. This is the perfect occasion to go bang on the door of your best friend’s house, where you know there’s a stash of Halloween candy.
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9. Little Italy: Athens is, among other things, generally known for its culinary splendors. We have five-star restaurants, chefs that are featured on Food Network… oh yeah, and Little Italy. Here we have the bottom of the pizza class scale (seriously, it would be classier to eat leftover Papa John’s pizza from your fridge); but damn if that greaseball of a pizza slice doesn’t taste good when you’re drunk.
BUST SIZE 164 XXX!
OCTOBER 4th, 5th, & 6th
8. Snelling: There are so many lovely little tales of students drunkenly coming into Snelling and making fools of themselves, and who can blame them? If you’re on the meal plan (heck, I’d even pay the completely unwarranted $14.95) you can sit there and eat limitless amounts of cereal, ice cream, and pizza. And maybe even join the ranks of those who have peed in the middle of the dining hall at 3 a.m. 7. Lay-Z-Shopper: Maybe you’re still downtown, not even ready to quit (hello, 9d’s is right there and waiting), but definitely looking for some noms. Hit that little convenience store up! If you can make your way past the bros purchasing condoms so as to tap that girl who is too drunk and the hipsters buying their American Spirits so they can save the environment, you can treat yourself to a bag of Combos. Get the pizza ones. 6. The Waffle House on Lexington: Mmm… yummy, greasy, bacon-y Waffle House. What could be better? And totally worth that two-mile walk down Oconee and Lexington. Man if only they built one—wait a minute. SHIT. You and the gang were too drunk to remember they built a Waffle House downtown. Eh, there was a line out the door of that esteemed piece of real estate anyway. 5. Pre-Steak ‘n’ Shake: Maybe you and your friends were too inebriated to remember the closet of a Waffle House that is now located downtown, but nobody could be too drunk to remember that Steak ‘n’ Shake is coming soon to downtown Athens. So you head on over and make the holy pilgrimage to where the most sacred of drunken eateries will soon reside just to sit outside and pray to the gods of grease and goodness. 4. The Grille: There are a few perks at eating here intoxicated. First, if just sitting and praising what one day will be Steak ‘n’ Shake isn’t enough for that ravenous monster that is your stomach, you can get basically the same food here for about 1.5 times the price of Steak ‘n’ Shake. Also, the waiters at this time of night are prime targets to drunkenly pick fights with. Although that means the only green on your burger will be loogie, not lettuce. 3. Dunkin’ Donuts: If you are so lucky as to live somewhere along Prince, GOOD NEWS. Dunkin’ Donuts is right there at the corner of Milledge and Prince and you better believe they throw all those unpurchased donuts away at the end of the night. Time to polish those dumpster divin’ skills and eat all the free donuts you can. 2. That trash can on the corner of College and Clayton: Full of left-behind take-out boxes and half eaten delights from all the premium eateries along College Avenue, this trash will definitely offer some free and great food. And besides, there was definitely a homeless guy eating out of that trash can earlier. It must be okay to do, right? RIGHT? 1. The liquor store: Screw food. You just want more booze in your belly. Head on over to one of Athens’ bazillion liquor stores; it seems like there are more of them than churches around these parts. Satiate your drunken taste buds with more of exactly what your body doesn’t need—ALCOHOL.
katie weimer wrote this
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raising awareness: jess cancer jess wise wrote this Here at The Black Sheep, we typically write about humorous subjects, but, as much as we all love a good laugh, it’s time to get serious. I’m here today to call attention to a very serious affliction that is affecting the Athens area: Jess Cancer. Someone better call up one of the 9,000 students that is involved with UGA Relay for Life—I hope the lines aren’t busy. Now, our paper frequently deals with sensitive and scandalous topics. That being said, it would be ridiculous for us to assume that every single one of our articles is well-received. Frankly, we’re just happy that they’re being read at all. Sometimes my friends don’t bother to do more than skim my articles, no matter how many times I stand over them and demand they praise me for my hilarity (because seriously, I’m hilarious). A few weeks ago, however, I wrote an article called “Top Ten Things a Professor Should Say on the First Day of Class,” and not only did someone read my article—they picked that shit apart. This person took the time to create a profile (Comeradephate) just so they could overreact about the quality of my sense of humor. I’m almost impressed that they were so dedicated to the cause. We should really all be thanking Comeradephate for bringing this important issue to our attention. The comment: “I got cancer because of how unfunny this was. Thanks a lot!” Like, Oh-Em-Gee, cancer? This is serious business, Com-
eradephate! You need to sit down! First things first—as with all diseases, the first step we need to take is to make a garishly colored plastic bracelet that people can pay $1 for, wear, and then discard when a new affliction comes into style. I think Jess Cancer’s bracelet should be orange because all ugly, horrible, and unfunny things are orange. What are the colors for Florida and Tennessee? Point made. Next, we need to figure out if health care benefits will cover the treatment for Jess Cancer. It’s a relatively new disease, so I feel like the mainstream insurance companies might not have heard of it yet. This is unacceptable! Comeradephate needs treatment! I wonder if we could get an anonymous billionaire to donate some chemo. If not, there’s also alternative medicine. Maybe Jess Cancer can be cured by injecting organic pig anuses directly into the affected area. Who knows? It’s got to be worth a shot to save this person’s life! Quick, we need some pig anuses, stat! That leads to another important question left unanswered: Where does Jess Cancer even manifest itself? What organ takes the lead during laughter? It’s not the same as lung cancer, so maybe it happens in your diaphragm? Oh god, not the diaphragm! No, you know what? It is probably cancer of the smile.
That has to be it. Comeradephate needs chemo on his smile because his grill is too ill! Did that shitty play on words worsen your condition, Comeradephate? Now I really feel terrible. If anyone wants to send any donations, please direct them to Comeradephate. By the same token, if anyone has any follow up questions or wants to inquire about the specifics of Jess Cancer, perhaps to see if they too are sufferers, they can also direct those to Comeradephate. He (/she? Comeradephate is very mysterious) can be reached via Twitter @Comeradephate. A word to the wise: I may have just contracted Jess Cancer from reading Comeradephate’s tweets, so watch out! Jess Cancer knows no boundaries!
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$1.50 PBR Happy Hour Specials from 4pm - 9pm
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Power Hour 9pm - 11pm: $1 Well Drinks $4 Firefly Drinks All Night
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FRI. 9/28
$2.25 Doug Styles
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TUES. 10/2
$1.50 Off All Pitchers! $2.50 Lone Star Tall Boys $2.25 Doug Styles
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$2 Well Drinks
$2 Cover, $3 Shots $4 18oz Coors Light 2 for 1 VIP and Floor Dances until 8PM
Ladies Night! $1 Wells
WED. 10/3
Power Hour 9pm - 11pm: $1 Well Drinks $4 Firefly Drinks All Night
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bartender of the week olivia b. The Mad Hatter What’s the worst pick up line you’ve ever heard on the job? If I have my hands in my back pockets, he’ll go ‘What a waste,’ or no, he’ll go, ‘Her hands are full.’
What’s the worst drink ever and how do you make it? A dirty martini, but that’s just because I don’t like them. It’s just olive juice and vodka, which is gross.
What is one animal you would not want to fight? There’s a lot of animals I wouldn’t want to fight, like bears and sharks.
What Disney character do you most want to hook up with? Peter Pan. That’s Disney, right? Yeah, Peter Pan.
If someone made a movie of your life, what would the title be? Surprise!
If I gave you an elephant, where would you hide it? I’d have to get a barn.
Who would star? Keira Knightly. A younger version.
What’s the weirdest thing you’ve ever done behind a bar? Eat ranch Pringles.
If you could create a holiday, what would it be? A holiday where you could go to all the bars and get everything for free…so much money would be lost, but it would be fun! How many 4-year-olds do you think you could take in a fight? I would never fight a 4 year old! Star Trek or Star Wars? Star Wars. Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings? Can I say both?
the drinking game
mario kart Here at The Black Sheep, we encourage you to drink and drive! Never thought you’d here those words, huh? (Not literally, please don’t sue us). What You’ll Need: Mario Kart, friends who like to play Mario Kart, and beer. Number of Players: How many controllers you got? Level of Intoxication: As little as a buzz and as much as a blackout. How to Play: - Pop in your favorite Mario Kart game and assign characters to players. - Set up your beers so everyone can reach them. We prefer the ol’ canbetween-the-thighs maneuver. - Begin the game but drink as follows: - Take one sip if you’re hit by a shell. - Take three sips if you’re hit by a lightning bolt. - Take four sips if you’re hit by a player’s special item. - Finish your drink every time someone laps you. - If you fall off the course, drink until you are put back on. - If you’re dead last, chug whatever you have left. - The winner of the race gets to choose one player to finish off their drink, too. The Game Ends When: Everyone is all Mario Kart’d out. But let’s be real, no one ever gets sick of Mario Kart.
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If God had a signature drink, what would it be? The Bru Grenade. It’s one that our owner does. It’s got all 4 clear well drinks, tequila, rum, vodka, gin… like everything. What song do you never want to hear again? “Call Me Maybe.” What piece of clothing do you wish you could wear all the time? Sweatpants.
Badass cop or badass criminal? I wouldn’t want to be cop, but I’d work for the FBI. If you could only watch one movie for the rest of your life, what would it be? Stepbrothers. After they make the bunk beds, ‘There’s so much room for activities!’ So good.
Recipe for Disaster
state fair mac’n’cheese What You’ll Need: A box of your favorite mac ‘n’ cheese brand (It’s Kraft SpongeBob and you know it), flour, two eggs, and oil. Cook Time: 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: Go ahead and schedule your gastric bypass surgery for tomorrow. Let’s Get Baked: - Prepare some mac ‘n’ cheese (you’re college students, we refuse to walk you through that one). - Heat ½ cup of oil in a skillet. - While that heats, pour a cup of flour into a bowl. - Beat two eggs in another bowl. - Scoop out fist-sized balls of your macaroni and roll it around in some flour. - Dip your balls in the eggs until it’s fully covered. - Drop your balls in the hot oil and wait until they turn golden and crispy. - Once all sides are browned, place your balls on a paper towel-lined tray, let ‘em cool, then dive on in. You really can make these any shape you want, but we are having just too much fun telling you to place your balls in different foods. You like that, don’t you?
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From the Streets
[PartyPics]
Got a question you want us to ask? FTS@theblacksheeponline.com
What mascot do you wish UGA would have if we weren’t the bulldogs? “Definitely the banana slugs. They are the mascot for UC Santa Cruz, and I think it’s so damn funny.” - Steve K., School of Music
“I wanted to be the Eagles because of my belief that singing ‘I Believe I Can Fly’ before football games would improve school morale!” - Spencer G., Biology
“A balloon with a smiley face painted on it. Organized sports are fascist, man.” - Brendan B., Film Studies
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Flipping Flippingthe thescript script so your favorite t.v. character walks into a new show...
dean pelton on hillbilly hand fishin’
We come to love the characters of our beloved scripted shows, if we don’t love them, then the show typically fails. On the other hand, reality shows make us eventually hate everyone, including ourselves, for watching. So, as The Black Sheep prefers to live in our own little fairy world, we decided to imagine how our favorite characters would do on plot-less, burnt out reality shows. By: Quinn and Brendan
ron swanson on survivor
Strengths: We’re not sure if the Dean has any hand fishin’ skills, but it would be very entertaining to see him tiptoe around reaching into a dark, wet hole for a big slippery fish.
Strengths: Ron is a man’s man. No, he is the man’s man. With wood working on the third tier of his Pyramid of Greatness (just below America, buffets, and honor) he would have a small wooden cabin built by the time the others dig a shittin’ hole. Ron’s self-reliance is out matched by only his mustache.
Weakness: The show won’t allow the Dean to display his extensive wardrobe, which might be a problem for him.
charlie day on america’s got talent
dave rose on top chef
Weakness: Several. Charlie has a debilitating lack of confidence in his musical abilities, and will surely turn to cat food and glue for added confidence.
Weakness: The lack of v-neck chef coats will really drag down Dave’s ability to maneuver around the kitchen. Beyond that, there are only so many puns one can make about food, ham I right?
back, roll her eyes, and sip on another vodka martini. Weakness: She might be too cold. Sure she could cry for the camera, but she can’t spare the moisture.
Win or Lose? Win. Lucille will have these ladies fighting with each other all week, or at least hire the OC’s finest investigator if they try to get at her.
sterling (malory) archer on
stars earn stripes Strengths: Years of hands-on training in the field as an ISIS agent, plus, you know, athletic prowess after all those years at lacrosse camp. Coupled with some clever quips and a shrewd, biting sense of humor, and he’ll be banging the female half of the cast two episodes in. Weakness: By the third episode he’ll be so bored with having to do actual work, Archer will be drunk during the episode that’s conducted over live fire.
Win or Lose? Loser, as always. Dave’s packing his knives by episode three, as another steak sandwich sends Tom Colicchio into a classic tirade that audiences have come to expect from him.
lucille bluth on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Strengths: There is evidence that Lucille Bluth is the original “Desperate Housewife,” but she isn’t desperate - she runs the show. While the other ladies are drunk and pulling each other’s hair, she’ll sit
Win or Lose?
Not only will Louie lose, he’ll lose in the most excruciating way possible. Like, he’ll get his rose, fall down the stairs, throw up, cry, and have the girl call him a limpdick pussy, or something.
Win or Lose?
Strengths: Dave’s general obliviousness to his vague douchiness will serve him well. Off-hand remarks about his lack of talent will simply roll off his shoulders, while audiences will eat up his inability to exist in the real world.
out as Green Man, drunkenly parade around stage, and maybe club a few rats with his clubbin’s stick.
Weaknesses: Most women are not turned on by the above.
Ron will win, then never leave the island when the show is over.
Strengths: Charlie just gets the piano. He may be illiterate, but the piano comes natural to him. Surely he will win the judges over with an emotional rendition of “The Night Man Cometh”, if he leaves out all the rape-y parts of course.
Win or Lose? Sadly, Charlie will lose. He will inevitably come
Strengths: Some women are turned on by fat, balding, bumbling idiots with two kids, a really busy work schedule, and no time for a social life.
Weakness: None. His passion for red meat might cause trouble, but he will find a way.
Win or Lose?
The Dean will win. He may insist on wearing his sister’s sailor outfit, but we have no doubt he will stick any extremity into the deep cave and get the biggest catfish to suction itself onto it.
louie on the bachelorette
Win or Lose? During the live fire episode, he’ll be automatically disqualified for putting a round in Drew Lachey’s foot after Lachey tries to chastise Archer for his on-set intoxication.
the hound on full metal jousting Strengths: The Hound isn’t just an ordinary knight, he’s a knight from a land of dire wolves, White Walkers and muhfuggin’ dragons. He’s seen some shit.
Weakness: Coming from a fantasy land set in a time that really lacks modern technology, The Hound is used to really killing people with real weapons for…like…good. This won’t bode well because…
Win or Lose? He’ll lose when he actually kills someone. The Hound will be dismounted by some guy who works at Medieval Times, and he won’t like it one bit. A few sword strokes and a lot of blood later, he’ll be off to prison to make everyone his bitch. And hey, the United States prison system offers marginally better living conditions than Westeros, so everyone wins. Well, except the dead guy.
the interview
junk culture
Junk Culture is a one-man band, but not like one of them old-timey guys with cymbals between his knees. Instead, Deepak Mantena’s an eclectic bucket of fun, synth-layered party. He was a blast to talk to. Be sure to grab his newest album, Wild Quiet, wherever it is crazy kids are buying music these days. By: Brendan The Black Sheep: How do you put an album together, from concept from finished product? Deepak Mantena: That’s a really loaded question. TBS: I know. Deepak: I can’t say it’s the same each time I do a record, but for Wild Quiet I did have a concept going in. I thought, “Let’s see if I can write something simpler and more focused than what I’ve done before.” TBS: Was that a superficial goal, or a philosophy you want to stick with going forward? Deepak: I tend to change up my approach to music on every record. It’s more exciting for me to do that, and it just feels really honest. It might not sound like the record before it, but it will sound like what I was interested in doing at the time. TBS: You talk about that honesty, but how do you reconcile that idea with the idea that you play music for an audience who has expectations of you? Deepak: Let me frame it this way: Bands I’m into, I’m not listening to them because they have a sound they’re repeating on every record. I listen to artists that are interested in being adventurous. A good example, I’m a huge fan of Caribou, even back when he was Manitoba or whatever. To me, as an audience member, getting to sink my teeth into one of his new records is a really rewarding feeling. I try to do the same thing with my work. TBS: What about concern with this new music being translated live? Deepak: I’m not so worried about that. When I sit down and figure out how to do a live show, I put a huge amount of effort and thought into that. I understand that people come to see songs that they like to hear, but I don’t want the rest of the show to feel like filler, and I think about that. I tour with Girl Talk a lot, and if you strip away what he does it’s a guy on a laptop triggering samples. How does that translate into huge sounds? The answer is, he really thinks about his approach to it. TBS: What kind of forethought goes into writing a song? Deepak: I don’t consider how it translates live. That’s a bad attitude to have. When I record a song, it’s about the song. So, when it comes time to how to deal with presenting it live, then we’ll figure it out. TBS: How much do you pay attention to a crowd in a show? Deepak: Oh man, that’s the perpetual problem. I used to do a little theatre stuff, and it would always be interesting to see—doing the same play one night to another—how different audiences take to different jokes. I guess I’m not at that level to know how good a show is going to be. I think I can handle the audience a lot better now. They want to be entertained, and it’s your job to guide them through that. TBS: Five words to describe your live show. Deepak: Tough, rock. TBS: Do you struggle with keeping up with contemporary music? Deepak: The first band I was really into was the Smashing Pumpkins, and they were like, the only band I’d listen to. It would be their whole collection on repeat. I’ll get really into someone and listen to them nonstop, and go through these bands in spurts. TBS: What goes on your perfect sandwich? Deepak: I’ll take a good old-fashioned BLT any day. TBS: If you could have any mythical creature for a pet, what would it be? Deepak: Does it have to be a pet, or could it be a friend? TBS: I don’t think a griffin could engage you in conversation for very long. Deepak: What about a gnome or something? TBS: Yeah, you could have a gnome. Deepak: Like, see a movie with him or something. TBS: No amusement parks, though.
the big three
entertainment-y things we’re all excited about.
pitch perfect - in theaters out september 28 Becca (Anna Kendrick) arrives to a new college convinced she doesn’t fit in, and instantly gets suckered into joining a rag-tag singing group. Yeah, this movie looks pretty damn cheesy a la Glee, but a few select actors (like Adam Levine and Rebel Wilson) will give the movie a good edge.
the real housewives of new york - season finale monday, october 1 at 9pm (bravo) As the 5th season comes to an end, we find perpetuallyPinot-Grigo’d Ramona throwing a charity event that turns into pure mayhem. Meanwhile, at Heather’s charity event, Ramona and her partner-in-booze Sonja make one hell of a scene. Hey, they’re just making their own fun.
matt & kim - lightning in stores october 2 The indie pop-duo Matt and Kim’s fourth album Lightning features 10 tracks, most with only two or three instruments on each. When asked where the name of the album came from, Kim replied “I think I’ll get hit by lightning one day.” That’s… pretty random. Check out their single “Let’s Go.”
the riddle
can you figure out what the hell this riddle says? email us the question and the answer to riddle@theblacksheeponline.com and possibly win a prize!
the classtime
college necessities
Across
1) Who are we kidding, you’re not going to have any of this, 2) A baby would really cut into your beer budget. 5) For research (aka, porn and cat videos). 6) Remember what dignity felt like? Yeah, us either. 9) ... and we aren’t talking about Guess Who. 12) This organ has no clue what it’s in for. 13) That beer isn’t going to free itself. 14) It’s not even halftime, and the freshman next to you threw up twice. 15) How else will everyone know how cute you looked last night. 17) The freshman 15 is no myth, my size 2 friend.
Down
1) Beer deserves a home. 3) Relationships suck, but so does abstinence. 4) Check for stains before laying down. 7) It’s a hard job, but the benefits are high. 8) “It says your name is McLovin’!” 10) Your Sunday morning uniform. 11) Or rich parents. 16) Communications does not count.
Answers
Six degrees of separation
Think you know how Drew Carey and Kal Penn are connected? Send us your answer at classtime@theblacksheeponline.com for your chance to win a pretty awesome prize!
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Disclaimer
The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking. This newspaper is designed for entertainment purposes only and does not recommend attempting anything printed in this publication. Please drink...responsibly and legally.
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the quiz: who is your white house hook-up? Regardless of how many morals you may think you have, when you’re seven SoCo limes in you’re going to be thinking with your nether regions, not your brain. Therefore you’re going to find a hook-up buddy, even if just for the night. So in the spirit of election season, take our quiz to find out which political person you would grab at 2 a.m.
5) Do you think gays should be allowed to marry? a) I’m Pro-Chick-fil-A, that shit is delicious. b) As long as I can keep doing what I’m doing, then I don’t care. c) Yes, all couples deserve the same benefits.
8) What do you do the morning after a political victory? a) Press the meat…on your g-spot. b) Mimosas over the Washington Post. c) Establish citizenship in a different country and run for office there.
6) How do you engage with younger voters? a) Invite them over to the big house for some homemade brew. b) Outlining a series of policies that benefit them, like anal. c) Pop out enough babies to win the popular vote yourself.
9) What would you do if you ran into a former opponent in public? a) Have one of your aides make up an excuse while you hide in the bathroom. b) Politely offer your well-wishes and move on with your day. c) Challenge them to a debate in the closest broom closet you can find.
5) a = 2, b = 1, c = 3 6) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
7) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 8) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1
3) What do you look for in a potential running mate? a) A body to die for, but brain dead. b) Let’s just say it’s important they know their constituates intimately. c) Firm goals you believe in, with a butt to match.
9) a = 1, b = 3, c = 2
answer key
7) What political perk would you casually drop in conversation? a) Your awesome view of Russia. b) The free condoms in the Oval Office. c) Having a full-time chef at your disposal.
3) a = 1, b = 2, c = 3 4) a = 3, b = 2, c = 1
2) What’s the first thing you try to find out about a political opponent? a) If they like to get dirty. b) If their charity work involves washing the dirty. c) Just the dirt, immediately.
4) What is your stance on abortion? a) Pro-choice all day, every day. b) I’m pro-banging, is that enough for you? c) Psh, only if it’s legitimate rape.
1) a = 3, b = 1, c = 2 2) a = 2, b = 3, c = 1
1) What political euphemism for sex would you drop on a hook-up? a) “How about we get bipartisan up in this?” b) “Judging by the look in your eye, the House of Representatives gavel isn’t the only think I’ll be banging tonight.” c) “Don’t Linda Tripp over my huge cock.”
9-14 Points: Sauced-Up and Sexy Sarah Palin or Paul Ryan They aren’t the sharpest crayons in the box, and they go off on all sorts of crazy drunken rambles about who knows what, but none of that matters when their ripped abs and beautiful hair are in your bed. These are the freaks who are stupid enough to try anything (or position) once, which makes for an awesome one-night-stand. It’s best to leave it at that though, because any future run-in’s with these crazy people will either be awkward or just uncomfortable. 15 - 21 Points: Exxxperienced Pooty Tang Monica Lewsinky or Anthony Weiner Usually a slick undergrad with a badass fake-ID or a 5th senior, these folks know what they want and are not shy about getting it. Maybe they’ve gotten extra credit in unconventional ways, or have taken a naughty picture or two in their day but, hey, that kind of shit really turns you on, and that’s cool. Whether it’s a one-night hook-up or something that turns into a regular weekend booty call, you know that whenever it goes down it’s going to be the real deal. 22 - 27 Points: Diamond in the Rough Barack or Michelle Obama You aren’t one to normally pick up a random at the bar, but we all have basic human urges that need to be fulfilled sometimes. Lucky for you, you’ve got a good enough filter to pick out the quality hook-ups in the dark depths of a dirty bar, the ones with just enough gusto to be inticing but with what appears to be (on the outside) a solid STD-free record. So it may not be the love of your life, but at least it’ll be a memory you’ll look back on fondly.
Pabst Blue Ribbon Always $1.50
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