The Black Sheep
Fr co ee.. tt ..li on ke bo tic wl ke sh ts t ou o ld the be .
• a college newspaper that’s actually about college •
Volume 3, Issue 9 10/11/12 - 10/17/12
theblacksheeponline.com @blacksheep_UGA
The Furby Apocalypse Sarra Sedghi wrote this
As you all know, the Mayans and many crazy folks on the Internet have predicted that the world will end on December 21 this year. Until recently, the only information historians could gather was that the Mayan calendar ended on this particular day. Careful studies of the Popol Vuh and breaking research on Hasbro’s releases for this year, however, have finally led us to an answer. On December 21, 2012, the world will fall to Furbies. The Mayans predicted all this would happen, but of course, we didn’t realize our fate until we passed the point of no return. Humans and toy companies have made the mistake of marketing Furbies and Furby-like creatures before, but this will be the final straw. Our first encounter with these beasts was the initial Furby Epidemic of the late 90s. Key Furbish phrases such as “boo-tay” and “ooh-lah” lulled children into a false sense of comfort, and soon Furby ownership spread faster than herpes in a whorehouse. Then the Shelby made its debut, but I’m unsure whether people actually bought those things, because Furbies were lame in my circle’s view by this point. I think we were preoccupied with SpongeBob or Pokémon Silver or terrorism or something. Yeah, that sounds right. And then Wikipedia mentioned something about a Furby revamp in 2005, but, thankfully, it didn’t reach American shores. This year, however, terrible ideas have decided to live it up: Miley Cyrus’s freaking haircut, YOLO, Pinterest sleepovers. Hasbro decided to end 2012 with the worst possible bang aside from the apocalypse: The return of the Furby. The new Furbies’ features are emphasized reminders of why these things should have stayed in the 90s, god dammit. They come in a variety of disturbing colors, such as Yeti White, Voodoo Purple, and Black Magic. This is real, people. The worst characteristic of the new Furbies is their eyes. No longer will Furbies be looking at us with plastic, soulless orbs, but instead with LED eyes that change, light up, and induce epileptic seizures (I sense a class-action lawsuit).
It sucks to be a female
it’s expensive and babies come out of your pee-hole. just the worst.
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The Furbies have much bigger plans than taunting the epileptic with their eyes, however. They are only in their initial phase of world domination. They have slipped back onto the scene and into toy aisles all over the country. But children aren’t the only market these beasts are after—in order to overtake the older generations, the Furbies are attacking technology and social media. They have an iOS app, a Twitter account—they even warned us! “RT if you would live in a world ruled by Furby!”—and a series of threatening Facebook ads (Furby is back, and it won’t sleep until you “like” its page. No, really, it won’t.). After gaining control of the children, the Furbies will shut down all Internet traffic aside from their Twitter feed. There has to be some way we mortals know of the Furbies’ progress in world domination.
what’s inside
the top 10 presidential attack ads
Finally, on the big day, the Furbies will march from Hasbro’s production houses in China and make their way into quarantined territory. That’s right, the bastards are going to North Korea. Since nobody in North Korea ever knows what the hell is going on outside the country’s borders, the people will fall to the Furbies almost effortlessly—and, as a result, the Furbies will gain instant access to the country’s horde of nuclear weapons. The Furbies might seem friendly, but they don’t care whether you live or die. They’re going to unleash those bombs on other nuclear weapons hubs, and the world will go up in smoke, leaving the Furbies to continue their domain over the only creatures left—cockroaches. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
things only freshmen can get away with
he uses internet explorer for christ’s sake!
once you’re a sophomore, there will be no more vomiting.
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