GVSU 1/22/15 Issue by The Black Sheep

Volume 4

The Black Sheep

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Issue 2

The Presidents’ Ball: The Prom Do-Over Abby Dewstow wrote this

Prom: the most magical night of your entire high school career. Since freshman year, you’d been planning, secretly dropping hints to a guy you wanted to be asked by, buying a dress four years early so that no one else would have it, and making reservations at the Olive Garden. You found out fast that your perfect night was going to go all wrong. Your date doesn’t have the right shade of teal in his bowtie, and he has a massive zit on his left nostril. Your dress is too small, having bought it for your slimmer freshman frame, and apparently the Olive Garden doesn’t do reservations four years in advance, although you didn’t believe them at the time. But that’s okay, because GV is now offering you the next best thing. A prom do-over! The Presidents’ Ball is just like any other school dance, but with more specific themes such as this year’s, The Great Gatsby, and legal booze. It also mirrors prom as it requires the hottest guy in school to take you, and gives you an excuse to dress up. You’ve already told your parents all about it, and they’ve rented you a limo to take you to the Fieldhouse, even though you live on campus. Who would want to walk all that way in heels? Regardless, the reservations at the Grandville Olive Garden are a go, and your squad is lookin’ fab. Although, Lauren is wearing the same dress as you since you didn’t have a ton of time to order a new one, but that’s okay, she’s your friend, and you’re going to post selfies with her all night with #twinning so everyone thinks it was on purpose. You can’t let a little “who wore it better?” get to you. Not tonight. The pictures are taken, and the parents cry over the phone as you FaceTime them while you all pile into the limo for a night out. Everybody takes shots from the mini bar because going to prom, er, the Presidents’ Ball, is much more fun when you’re drunk. The dancing basically resembles a huge orgy, with all the women bent at the waist; let your date get a taste of what he’s

getting after you leave. There’s a hotel room and everything, now that you’re old enough to rent one out yourself. You’d been saving your virginity for prom, but this is the next best thing, and might as well play it up for all it’s worth. Your prime was in high school, and you’re not getting any younger. The night goes by perfectly, your date and you match, you ripped Lauren’s dress when she wasn’t looking and now she’s crying in the bathroom. You’ve deluded yourself into thinking there’s a Presidents’ Ball/Prom Queen and you’ll most likely win. You have to be, it’s the only way that this night would be

complete. You had spread a rumor earlier in the night that you had spiked all the juice boxes for the under-aged attendees to ensure their vote. Those idiots, everyone knows you can’t spike a juice box. But, alas, you find that there is not a Presidents’ Ball Queen, and your night is ruined. No more hotel, no more drunken orgy dancing pits, just you wallowing in your misery as you trudge back to North A to live out the rest of your useless, pathetic, queen-less life. Prom’s over, it’s not coming back, and it’s finally time to face the facts: you’re not in high school anymore.

PAGE 4

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PAGES 12-13

YOU’VE GOT QUESTIONS, WE’VE GOT ANSWERS

TOP 10: WAYS TO ESCAPE YOUR FALL FLING

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO THE OSCARS

WE ANSWER SOME QUESTIONS OUR LOVING FANS ASKED US.

SOMETIMES GETTING ARRESTED IS THE ONLY PATH TO FREEDOM.

WITH THIS GUIDE, YOU’LL SOUND LIKE SOMEONE WHO SPENT 20 HOURS WATCHING MOVIES.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Claire Fisher

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Meghan Dooley

EDITORIAL MANAGER Rachel McLaughlin

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Derek Arguello, Maddie Rich

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Julie Nichols • Jeff Perry Shardae Rudel Teresa Williams Abigail Dewstow Alison Tazelaar

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Gorius, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Kelly Bellanger

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DISCLAIMER: The Black Sheep in no way promotes, encourages or supports binge drinking, and/or under-age drinking.

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THE BLACK SHEEP ONLINE .COM ARTICLES • DRINKING GAMES THE BAR GRID • PURE AWESOMENESS

Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

INCOMPEETENT The inability to pee in dorm bathrooms because, you know, performance anxiety, man.

ARIA ARIAL

I’m sorry I didn’t go when we were in the dorm, I was incompeetent! Hurry, help me find a bush.

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, snap a pic and #Sheepﬃti and we’ll send you a prize!

@THEBLACKSHEEPGV

PAGE 4 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

CRUSHIN’

Four Steps to Picking Your Semester Crush Julie Nichols wrote this

As the saying goes: New Year, new opportunities. For the perpetually single, this new semester at GVSU could be the chance to find the One True Bae. Probably not, but let The Black Sheep guide you anyway into finding the perfect person to stalk from afar. Step 1 - Do Stuff: If you’ve exhausted the limited group of people you already know, this is the most difficult step, as it involves leaving your filthy hovel. Believe it or not, there’s a world outside where people gather and hold conversations and, unfortunately, it’s hard to develop feelings for anyone when you don’t venture into the cold, heartless void. So, go to class (sometimes) or work (occasionally, at least) and try to say “yes” when your friends invite you out. Consider joining a club. This could be anything from Fencing Club to Nerf Club. After all, nothing says romance like a dart to the face. This is your opportunity to meet someone whose face your face likes, instead of reblogging hot pictures onto your “totally not softcore-porn” Tumblr. Step 2 – Ice Breakers Matter: Whether it’s the first day of class or a new club you started going to, you will have to answer the dreaded four-part ice breaker: name, grade, major, and the uber critical “one interesting fact about yourself.” It’s Earth-shatteringly important that you answer

the ice breaker carefully, and it is 69 times more critical that you listen to other people’s answers! Especially be cautious of anyone who refuses to give a “fun fact” about themselves or says, “There’s nothing interesting about me.” In this instance, they are 420% correct and you must avoid them at all cost (no matter how hot they are). Step 3 – Beauty Ain’t Everything: Let’s be real for one second. Likely, nothing will happen between you and your crush, except maybe some uncomfortable glances and awkward small talk. They call it a “crush” for a reason, people. Fear not, because you can still daydream to feel the fulfillment you can only pray to feel in the real life. Imagine your life with this practical stranger and forget that love is a cruel mistress. Or, you can spend your precious daydreaming time picking a crush who’s less hot, per se, and more of a “good provider” who “takes good care of their dogs” and “doesn’t let them shit in strangers’ yards” Ya know, stuff with substance. Be realistic and lower your expectations and you’ll easily find that special someone to stare at through your three-hour history class. Step 4 – Be Cautious: Picking a semester crush is a big deal that will impact you until at least May. And, write this one down kids: red flags can be found everywhere. For instance, the guy who writes

YOUR QUESTIONS: ANSWERED (VOL. 1) Rachel McLaughlin wrote this

poetry might sound mysterious and sexy now, but that means you would actually have to read his poetry at some point. Gross, right? And, the girl who’s really into horses might only be into horses. If you ask what he’s writing about and he takes 20 minutes to tell you, complete with illustrations that he colored himself, you may wanna reconsider your life choices.

It’s 2:00 a.m. and you’re slowly falling asleep... All of the sudden your brain wants to know “how do they make baby carrots?” Do you ask Google? Or actually go to school and learn things? Pft. Why do those when you can ask The Black Sheep instead? Sit on down and let us learn you a thing or six. “If both don’t finish, does it still count?” Who cares as long as you come in first? Mario Kart: Double Dash!! has taught us that when it comes to “versus,” if one out of two people finish, then the race is automatically over, so that’s gotta mean something. However, there’s no fun if there’s no challenge. You’re constantly getting 1-ups from Player 2, so the least you can do is hold onto your Chain Chomp and go down on Peach Beach before Time Trials. Maybe this time you’ll both get a trophy. “How do I get free tuition?” Jump in front of a #48 as it passes the Connection and then sue the school. Kidding, don’t actually do that…No, actually, yeah, do that. But only if you’re still on your parents’ health insurance. No tuition, no medical bills, plus you get a sweet full-body cast you can have the artsy-fartsy students at Calder decorate with scenes from Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda” music video. Is that Drake crying because of her ass? No, he’s crying because he saw your tuition bill on myBanner. “How do you unbake a cake?” Have you tried turning it off and turning it on again? Super glue? Did you keep your receipt? We’ve been on Yahoo! Answers for like three seconds trying to figure this one out, and unfortunately it looks like baking a cake is a pretty permanent action, like getting that tattoo of a dolphin on your lower back that

If you learn anything from this article, remember that you don’t have the time to become infatuated with someone who’s simply not One True Bae material. Especially considering you will never date them and will die cold and alone. Glad tidings to all!

reminds you of your high school boyfriend Ty. What a magical three weeks that was. “Who is Louie the Laker?” Do you know people who talk a lot? They aren’t him. Do you know someone who hates the general population and isn’t outgoing at all? That person is also not him. We know who he’s not and can therefore figure out who he is and that, friends, is probably the average-height average-everything guy who sits behind you in math and doesn’t say a word as he plots his university-domination. Being GV’s mascot is just the first step. “What’s the difference between spearmint and winterfresh?” Spearmint plants (they like temperate climates) v. wintergreens (they’re cool with tundra). Durr. Either way it’ll burn your nostrils and make your eyes water when you bite down on it and that’s all that matters. Side note: This involved Wikipedia research so don’t say you never learned anything from The Black Sheep. “Do milkshakes really bring boys to the yard?” It depends on what you put in them and what kind of boy you want to attract. For instance, if you put in a scoop of protein powder from GNC you’re going to get a guy who can dead lift you without breaking a sweat. Add some beer and get a frat bro who can’t do physics but has never lost a game of beer pong. Put some Hershey’s syrup and M&Ms and you’ll get us. So, yes and no. Have a question you want answered? Head over to ask.fm/TheBlackSheepGV or tweet us @TheBlackSheepGV!

A FOR EFFORT

THE TOP TEN WAYS TO ESCAPE YOUR FALL FLING If you’re an average college student, you know exactly what we’re talking about. Whether they’re just really creeping you out, you’re actually really dating someone else now, or you just want a clean slate this semester – these are some moderately safe and easy ways to get the hell out of there. 10.) Get Arrested: Just make sure it’s only for a couple of weeks, TOPS. You don’t need to go rob Campus Party Store or piss on Campus PD – think more short-term. The goal is to get locked up for a night, maybe a week, so that she realizes you’re not worth the trouble.

Commuting Students Sue Over Pity Snow Days Shardae Rudel wrote this Recently, phones have been lighting up with emails, texts, and phone calls alerting GV-goers that all classes at the school have been cancelled after 4:00 p.m. due to dangerous weather conditions. Groans inevitably ensue. It’s a scene many GV enrollees are familiar with, and indeed one that they dread above all others: the pity snow day. “It’s a total cockblock,” junior Lionel Brandanowitz stated. “I mean it’s a nice gesture, I guess, but most people are done with classes by then. Cancelling stuff after 4:00 doesn’t do shit.” One group that really gets the short end of the stick is the commuting student community. Sophomore Bill Trager is one such student, making the journey from Muskegon to Allendale on a daily basis. “It’s like we’re just an afterthought,” Trager said. “Some of us have to drive long distances or go to work after class and could have spent that time shoveling out our car or calling in sick.” For the past few years, it seems that the mythical creature that decides students’ fates on these cold and listless days has gotten a bit lazy with its technique. Cancelling 1/3 of school doesn’t seem to cut it. That’s when Trager came up with a plan. “I’m sick of fearing for my life whenever I get on Lake Michigan Drive in the morning,” Trager explained, “so I decided to sue the school. What better way to get my way and maybe save a couple of lives in the process?” The official documentation went through earlier this week. Trager addressed the indictment to the entirety of GV, claiming he “didn’t know who was really in charge.” The document asks for $500,000 to be put toward the damages caused to student cars on days that GV remained open in clearly hazardous conditions.

Because the document is addressed so broadly (it literally reads: “Dear GVSU, aka Dickwads,”), Trager and his fellow students could very well expect a bill in the mail demanding a portion be taken from their tuition, depending on how literally GV’s lawyers choose to take the address.

9.) Get Married: Drastic, we know, but nothing says go away like “I’m married.” Besides, isn’t tuition cut in half when you’re hitched? Ask your best bro, your sister’s friend, anyone really. Head down to the courthouse and get that certificate. You won’t regret it for at least the length of this semester.

“It’s a risk I’m willing to take,” Trager boldly stated. “I’m hoping it’ll get people riled up enough to boycott the school board or something. That would be pretty rad.”

8.) 3rd Job: This option includes getting paid; how’s that for a perk? This way, when he shows up at your apartment door you can say “Sorry, I have to go to work in a few minutes, I’ll probably get a hold of you later.” Actually, just go to the Salvation Army, find a nice Polo and say you got a third job. Make up the name if you have to.

There is also another option for the school board to consider: Trager knew his proposal would not be taken kindly, so he also had his lawyer draw up an ultimatum. He would be willing to drop the lawsuit entirely in exchange for a new system of currency at GV: Snow Day Tokens.

7.) Study, Hard: You already told her you really need to focus on your schooling, right? Well, grab your books, a pillow, maybe a sleeping bag, and get over to the library. The Wi-Fi is probably better than the shit in your apartment. Netflix in HD is the only way to go. Just be mindful of the door, don’t get caught binging The Oﬃce.

“Students can use them whenever Grand Valley pulls a dick move with snow days,” Trager elaborated. “For every cancellation after 4 p.m., students will receive a token to use and take a personal snow day of their choosing. They can work whenever, but at the students’ own risk.” When reached for comment, GV executive board member Cynthia Perkins said only this: “We’ve taken all options under consideration, but there are many other factors at play here. We have to also consider how donor money adds to the cost of both the lawsuit and the token system, after all. It might take a few weeks to crank the numbers.” Will GV choose to swallow their pride (and donor money) to implement a new system of snow day tokens or should students be expecting another bill in their mail (and perhaps a vaguely-worded email) informing them of the extra charge on their account? Only time, and the court system, will tell.

6.) Murder: The age-old solution for just about everything. The options for completing this one are endless! This doesn’t mean you should go and tell people that The Black Sheep suggested you should kill someone. Just kidding…but seriously. Problem solved. 5.) Join a Stupid Club: Two words: TRUCK CLUB. Or, better yet: ANIME CLUB. Unless, you know, she’s into trucks…or he really likes Yu-Gi-Oh. In that case, maybe you should revert back to option six. 4.) Name Change: She’ll be going around asking for Thomas, when you’re actually Todd now. Granted, you’ll have to pay the appropriate fees, fill out the appropriate forms, and then probably wait a few months for it to process fully…Ok maybe just go back to six again. 3.) Creepy Hobby: Shit, for all we know, you really do taxidermy in your spare time. Or maybe you’re an avid mooer (it’s a thing, look it up)? You could be one of those super-cool ice sculptors (see what we did there?). It doesn’t necessarily have to be creepy, just really time-consuming, boring, or stupid. 2.) Transfer: If he really, REALLY loves you, you might not have any another choice. At The Black Sheep, the last thing we want to do is get you to abandon your Lakerdom, but we heard Northern is nice this time of year…sort of. 1.) Laker Up: It’s time to buckle down and really tell that SOB how you feel. Fear not, Lakers, Louie is on your side while you listen to their choked sobs of “WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME LIKE I LOVE YOU.” If all else fails, see option six…

Logan Bailey wrote this

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IF YOU HAD TO SAY SOMETHING NICE ABOUT JANUARY, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

LIZ, SOPHOMORE

“People are still trying to be good people because of their New Year’s resolution.”

AUBREY, SOPHOMORE

“It’s so cold that you have an excuse to stay home every day.”

JACOB, JUNIOR “It’s pretty.”

PRO TIPS

Alison Tazelaar wrote this

Hey, look at you, you can read. Heck, you’re doing it right now! But, do you know the ABC’s of college? No? Then read on, sonny. How to get the A: You want that 4.0? The Black Sheep is here to tell you a few ways. We’ve all heard that “studying” and “hard work” will get you where you want to be, but what about shortcuts? You could make a deal with Satan so you’ll always find the homework due that day in your folder, and the answers filled in on the test as soon as it’s down on your desk. Just make sure you read the fine print! You could also pay someone to do your homework and projects for you. Either pick the nerdiest-looking kid in class, or find someone who has taken the class already. Don’t worry about the university’s strict plagiarism policy. It’ll be fine. Just make sure you remember to study before exams, it’s a lot harder than you think to find someone who looks like you AND is willing to do all of your work. How to get the B: What is your favorite word that begins with B? If you’re in college, there’s a pretty good chance it’s “beer.” You could take the bus downtown with a few buddies and go to one of our famous breweries! Hopcat or Founders are both close to the 50 route and it would be easy to drunkenly walk back to the bus stop. Or you could go to one of the off-campus convenience and pick up a 30 rack of PBR, or Busch Light like the filthy, tasteless animal you are. Underage? Sucks, bruh. Too poor to buy beer? Prostitution is the world’s oldest profession… How to get the C: You want a cat. And why wouldn’t you? They’re cute, soft, and will get you those great ratings on Instagram. The only problem is there isn’t much pet-friendly housing nearby. If you made the piss-poor decision of living in one of these establishments, hide your furry friend. The major concern with hiding a pet is getting caught and having to pay a pet fee, so you need to ensure that your darling kitten won’t wreak havoc on your apartment while you’re in chemistry. It would be smarter to adopt an older cat so you can judge the personality and pick a calm one. Getting a kitten may seem like a good idea because they’re so darn cute, but what if it’s secretly a sadist honey badger

DISGUISED as a cat? This beast will pee on everything you love. Everything. It will shred your blinds, your carpet, and your sanity. You could cover all your furniture in plastic to make sure the cat can’t ruin it, and put duct tape on the windowsills to keep them from sitting there and being seen. Cats hate being sticky. How to get the D: This one is obvious. People want to get laid, but the difficult part is finding that special someone to take you to pound town. Now, ladies and gents, getting the D is easier than you might think. You can post an ad on Craigslist or make a dating account. You can drunkenly text that guy from class and ask if he wants to bone. You can ask the dude on the bus. People are nervous about being turned down, so maybe you’ll want to try suave pick-up lines instead like “Hi, I’m wasted but this condom in my pocket doesn’t have to be,” and “Boy, is your name homework because I’m not doing you and I should be.”

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The ABC’s of College (and the D, Too)

, Y R C , H G U A L IT, WHAT?)

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THE BAR GRID 21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Industry Special All Day Sunday - Thursday 33% off Drinks for Restaurant/Bar Employees

FRIDAY! $3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger & a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. $3 Beer Geek craft beer specials

College Night DJ Dickair & Jenny Disko 50% Off Drinks Open-12 Because Thursday ends at Midnight...

$4 Microbrews Boneless Chicken Dinger Platter

Friday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer

Live Entertainment

$3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Saturday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Live Entertainment

$2 Domestic Pints Noon-6 $5 Bulldozers and $3 Long Islands

Sunday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Sunday Funday $3 Flavored Vodka, $2 Wells $2 Domestics Various Live Entertainment

$3.99 Bloody Marys 9-Midnight

Monday

Mug Club Night! Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers and Handhelds for Mug Clubber Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Michigan Monday, $3 select Michigan drafts

Closed, but don’t miss... Industry Specials All Day Sunday, Tuesday - Thursday 33% off Drinks for Restaurant/Bar Employees

$3.99 Margaritas Fried Pickle Chips

Tuesday

Local Night! $2 Tier 1 + $3 Tier 2 Beers from 4pm - 12am Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Tipsy Tuesday, $3 draft of our beer geek’s choice

Line Dancing $2.00 Wells All Night

$3 You-Call-Its 1/2lb. Hamburger & Fries

Wednesday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine 8 p.m. Geeks Who Drink Trivia

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. WIMP 50cent wings (min 6); $6 1/2 lb mussels; 25% off pitchers

Comedy Open Mic Night $1.50 Retro Cans, $2 Drink Specials

$4 Sangrias Hand-Battered Onion Rings

SPECIAL NIGHT

Thursday

MONDAY: Mug Club Night!

Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers and Handhelds for Mug Clubber

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THE BAR GRID 21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

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21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

$1.00 off all classic shots (14 in total!) $2.00 Kamikaze’s, $2.00 Pickle Backs $3.00 Lemon Drops

MONDAY: Drunken Retort: Spoken word, music, poetry, open-mic 8 p.m. Drink specials during the show. Happy Hour 4-6 p.m.

SPECIAL NIGHT

2014 PBR Progression: $0.50 Drafts at 7pm Price Rises Every 30 Minutes ...and many other great drink and food specials!

$5 off all Burgers (the creature excluded) w/ purchase of a beverage from 6 to 11pm (Dine-In Only) Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Thursday

$4 Margaritas $7 Labatt Pitchers

$4 Long Islands Beer and Shot Specials Dance party select Fridays! Great DJ with a club atmosphere!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Friday

$3 Wells, $3.50 Tall Bud Light Drafts

$5 Mully’s Blue Drinks 16oz., 7 liquors ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Happy Hour 2-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Saturday

$3 MI Drafts and $3 Call Drinks All Day! Live Celtic Music: 7-9 p.m

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1/2 off Apps Starting at 8pm $4 Bloody Mary Specials ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Rehab Brunch and Gong Show! $5 Build Your Own Bloody Mary bar from Noon to 5pm 1/2 off Jameson and $1 off Perrin and Founders Draft

Sunday

Closed

$4 Tall Craft Brews $1 Off All Burgers

Karaoke at 9pm $1.75 Bartender’s Choice Shots ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Drunken Retort: Spoken word, music, poetry, open-mic 8 p.m. Drink specials during the show. Happy Hour 4-6 p.m.

Monday

Taco Tuesday Laker Night Drink Specials

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Tuesday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Wednesday

Thirsty Thursday Happy Hour 4-7! $2 You Call Its 9PM-12AM 1/2 Off Food 8PM-10PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

FRIDAY: $4 Margaritas $7 Labatt Pitchers

Taco Tuesday Laker Night Drink Specials

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$4 Long Islands, $4 Three Olive Bombs, $3 Heineken Bottles

Happy Hour 4-7! Ladies Night: $4 Drink Menu (8PM-12AM) for Ladies, No Cover Until 11PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

Rotating Drink Specials! Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

Happy Hour 4-7! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM

Happy Hour 4-7! Open Mic Night! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$2 Wells, $3 Tall Bud Light

$4 Jager Bombs $3 Tall Labatt Drafts

$1.00 off all classic shots (14 in total!) $2.00 Kamikaze’s, $2.00 Pickle Backs $3.00 Lemon Drops

Wings! $0.50 Traditional Wings 6 wings with Domestic Pint for $4.99 ...and many other great drink and food specials!

PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

YOU GOT THIS

Five Ways to Pretend this Semester Will Actually Be Ok Theresa wrote this

Despite it only being a couple weeks into the semester, most of us are already dreading how the rest of it will turn out. Here’s a list of ways to cope with the looming fear of failure and destitution. 5.) Post Inspirational Quotes Everywhere: Nothing says “put together” like cheering yourself on with inspirational quotes. Shit like, “The only person you should try to be better than is the person you were yesterday!” or “Don’t give up! The beginning is always the hardest.” Post them on your fridge, in your bathroom, in your backpack. Put them everywhere. Leave them in your roommate’s stuff. You should drown yourself in false hopes and dreams of a luminous future. 4.) Post “It Could Be Worse” Quotes Everywhere: Maybe blind and naïve optimism isn’t your style. If the previous suggestion doesn’t work for you, try posting sticky notes of ways you could be failing even harder. Things like, “Only three homework assignments behind,” or “Still getting up in the mornings, usually” will brighten up your bedroom. As the semester progresses, the messages will get more and more pathetic—such as “Didn’t get hit by car… yet,” or “Went to at least one day of classes last week.” It’ll boost your morale enough to try to make it through the rest of the semester. 3.) Do Like Snoop Say: “Smoke Weed Erry Day”: The weed will make it so you don’t care anymore. Your profound and drug-induced sense of apathy will make even the hardest classes seem easier. You’ll even have a means of striking up discussion since you probably haven’t done any of the readings or coursework. In turn, that could help you make friends. People might even give you some space too; nobody wants to sit next to that kid who smells like weed and won’t stop talking about it. 2.) Succumb to the “Screw-Its” Early On: There’s that point in the semester—usually a week or two after midterms, when we should all really be preparing for finals—when we all just stop. Nothing matters. Life ceases to be fulfilling. To avoid actually caring and unnecessary anxiety for the semester, just give in to these feelings right now. Lie on the floor for hours at a time. Hide underneath your bed. Play trivia games on your phone to avoid responsibilities. Go to church and beg for forgiveness. 1.) Actually Keep Your Life Together: Some people--and those people usually love to gloat about it-- are able to handle the semester’s workload. For the rest of us, we might benefit from those people’s examples. Buy a planner and start keeping track of assignment due dates and events. Go to bed at a decent hour. Stop partying. Call your mother once week. Talk with you professor about your classes. Or you could do none of these things and just stick with suggestions five through two. We think that might be the better option. With these opportunities on your place, hopefully you’ll make the best of your semester. Even if you aren’t able to, there are only like twelve weeks left. So if you break it down, that’s like surviving two weeks six times. You can do it!

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ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 2 ou

Politics: There are two dominant political parties in England. Name one Harry Potter: Who started the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare? Civil Rights: What was the first state in the United States to recognize same-sex marriage in 2004? Pseudoscience: What long-time fake science has historically aimed to turn base metals into noble metals? Statues: The Spring Temple Buddha, the world’s largest statue, is located in what country?

LESLIE MULLER

PROFESSOR OF ECONOMICS

Cooking: “Sous vide,” a method of preparing food, means the food is cooked in what Music: What “Take Me to Church” singer released his self-titled album in October 2014? The Human Body: What body party acts as the primary blood filter for the human body? Fashion: On a dress, décolletage, bateau, portrait and keyhole are all types of what? Celebrity Weddings: What actress recently married Benji Madden of Good Charlotte fame?

Terrence’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Labour Party 2. Harry Potter 3. Colorado 4. I have no idea 5. Thailand 6. A Crockpot 7. It has a ‘z’ in it. Neziah? 8. Cells 9. Collars 10. Cameron Diaz

1. Conservative Party, Labour Party 2. Hermione Granger 3. Massachusetts 4. Alchemy 5. China 6. Water 7. Hozier 8. Spleen 9. Necklines 10. Cameron Diaz

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

SPIKED OR SIMPLE?

S’MORE OF THAT HOUSE FIRE

Ah, so you think you have a discerning palate, huh? We’ll see about that. Can you taste the diﬀerence between Diet Mountain Dew, and Diet Mountain Dew with vodka? Who knows!

Listen, it’s way too cold outside to start a bonfire. Plus, you live in an urban area, and the fuzz isn’t too keen about out-of-control fires in the area. But look at you, yearning for some sweet, sweet s’mores. What’s a boy to do? Well, find out.

What You’ll Need: A big ol’ jug of vodka, some Solo cups and a variety of mixers. Number of Players: 3+ Level of Intoxication: Hey, shut up, this one’s kinda boozy.

What You’ll Need: Hershey’s chocolate bars, graham crackers, marshmallows, a stick. Fatty Factor: S’more of the holiday belly fat for you, fatso.

How to Play: -Begin by having one volunteer set up the table, while the participants hang out in another room, or something. -Look at however many mixers you have. Now, set up twice the number of Solo cups on the table. Number pairs of cups on the bottom, so there’s two cups with each number. -Fill half of the Solo cups with a shot of vodka. Keep half of them empty. -Fill each cup with approximately 8oz of mixers, so that there are sets of two cups, each set representing a mixer: one with alcohol and one without. -Bring the players into the room. -Have each player take a drink of each set and guess which drink has alcohol and which one doesn’t. -Players who correctly identify the boozy drink may hand out a drink to another player. Incorrectly guessing a drink costs the player a drink. The Game Ends When: “Everything tastes the same, man. Everything tastes the same!”

DOWNLOAD OUR FREE APP FOR ALL THE GAMES!

Let’s Get Baked: -Listen, you know how to make s’mores, we’re not going to tell you to do your job. -Wait, what do you mean this needs to be like, 250 words? Ok, here we go. -Prep by placing all of your materials near your oven, but keep them away from your stovetop so they don’t start on fire. -Break a graham cracker in half and place six Hershey’s chocolate bar pieces on one of ‘em. -Slap a marshmallow on whatever kind of stick you have laying around. -Crank one of the burners on your stove top to high. -Once it’s nice and red-hot, hold the marshmallow over the coil, rotating it regularly until all sides are brown. -Place the browned mallow on the chocolate, place the half of the graham cracker on top, smoosh and enjoy. -Oh yeah, turn that burner off. As you indulge in memories of that time the camp councilor let you sit on his lap in a totally non-sexual way, indulge in this delightful treat, as well. Fire and chocolate isn’t just summer time fun anymore.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

Black

e d i u G Sheep

to the (for Those Who Haven’t Seen These Movies) Last Thursday the Best Picture nominees for the 87th Academy Awards were announced. But what will you—the on-the-go college student who doesn’t have time to watch eight movies—do when you’re force to discuss the merits of one of the films? Oh, don’t worry, The Black Sheep has your back. By Brendan

THREE MOVIES THAT

SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOMINATED

(and why you should watch them)

American Sniper

Birdman

Basic Premise: America’s best long-range killing machine isn’t a machine at all, he’s a guy with feelings and stuff, even when he’s a-killin’. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Dude, there’s no way a guy as good lookin’ as Bradley Cooper would ever be a sniper. I’m not gay or nothin’, but a man with that jaw line would be cleaning up on magazine covers, not waiting two weeks to shower in a desert.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I’m quite pleased with Eastwood’s clear, realistic portrayal of killing in American Sniper. Too often, it’s easily to glorify or vilify the act, eliminating the feelings of discomfort we need to face in a world with many shades of gray.”

Basic Premise: Michael Keaton plays an ex-superhero, in-a-slump actor (hey, like Michael Keaton!) holding tight to his final strand of fame as he works to debut a Broadway play. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “I kind of assumed Cash Money Records was in financial trouble, but Birdman looks terrible in this documentary.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “Don’t you think the continuous-take gimmick pairs nicely with Michael Keaton’s self-parody in this film? Together, they form a Mőbius strip that strongly argues that life does imitate art.”

Boyhood

The Grand Budapest Hotel

Basic Premise: The audience follows a boy (a real boy!) as he grows from a child to a young adult, unlike that stupid Peter Pan. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Editing 12 years of footage must be a real bitch. I had a hard time cutting 50 words out of my 5-page paper, so I just made the margins a little smaller.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “What a truly brave directorial choice this was. Given everything we know about what can go wrong on a movie set, spanning that agony over 12 years really does merit some hardware, don’t you think?”

Basic Premise: The Graduate meets Ocean’s Eleven, but substitute dark humor of post-college ennui with the twee stylings of Wes Anderson. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Voldermort looks totally ridiculous with that fake nose/moustache combo. This movie sucks.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I can’t believe Anderson has found a way to use humor to skewer dictatorships big and small, whether it’s an overbearing government, or an overbearing hotel administrator. In the end, both parties find new and interesting ways to alienate those forced to live under them.”

The Imitation Game

Selma

Basic Premise: A British WWII hero helps defeat the Nazis, only to face prosecution for homosexuality by the very government he saved. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “This movie is stupid, who cares about some British guy who cracked a code? Those Limey bastards would be speaking German right now if it wasn’t for us.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “Perhaps it was Alan Turning’s disguising of his sexuality that allowed him to think of how similar misdirection applied to the Nazi coding system.”

Basic Premise: Martin Luther King Jr. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “I wish that Martin Luther King Jr. was white, that way we’d already have a biographical movie made about him. Wait, that didn’t sound racist in my head.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “The film’s portrayal of Lyndon B. Johnson is immaterial. This movie isn’t about one man or two men, but rather an idea—a movement—that changed America.”

The Theory of Everything

Whiplash

Basic Premise: Handsome Stephen Hawking (Eddie Redmayne) faces a life-threatening motor neuron disease diagnosis. Hilarity Oscar Bait ensues. What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “God, I hope this movie has some trippy shit about space, because if I have to see a hot girl nuzzle up to a cripple for two hours, I’m gonna puke.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I think The Theory of Everything shows that, even though paralysis can affect everything we can see, it’s the ethereal, the mind, emotion, love, that truly win the day in the face of seemingly insurmountable odds.”

Basic Premise: “Only steers and queers play jazz drums, Private Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum, and you don’t look like much of a steer to me!” What You’ll Say That’ll Make You Sound Like an Idiot: “Could there be any more black shirts in this movie? It’s like those freakin’ band kids never grow up.” Insightful Comment You Should Say Instead: “I found this film an enlightening exploration into the discipline required for the creation of art. Too often, I think, non-artists look at the creative process as a medium for extemporaneous expression, which it obviously isn’t. Using jazz, a free form medium, is just icing on the cake.”

Jake Gyllenhaal plays a weirdo who builds cred in the news community by recording—and eventually manipulating—accidents and crime scenes. Atmospherically intense and creepy, it’s like you’re watching one of the car crashes he films: You know something horrible is about to happen, but you can’t take your eyes off of it.

This isn’t a “throw a drink in your face” bitches be trippin’ kind of movie, it’s more of, “ruin your entire life and use your own faults as a man against you” bitches be trippin’ kind of movie. It’s awesome. And there’s a bloody sex scene, too, which will make you question your taste in erotica.

2014 will go down as the Year of Chris Pratt. Was there a more fun movie in 2014? (Hint: No) Action, hilarity, well-imagined aliens, worlds and villains—plus an anthropomorphized tree and raccoon. Just because this wasn’t a snore-fest 3-hour bio doesn’t mean it’s not one of the best movies of the year.

THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

LET’S TEAR UP THIS BANGER! Even though it’s only a ___1___ night, I’m always down to get a little turnt. Pounding some ___2___s, slamming some ___3___ girls, you know, the usual. It’s ___4___ sister’s friend’s neighbor who’s in ___5___, and she’s turning 21. Who doesn’t love a good shitshow birthday, amirite? Since getting my fake ID for Christmas I’m bringing a fifth of ___6___ vodka and a fifth of ___7___ because bitches love that shit. I’m also going to stop at ___8___ and pick up a new button-up, and just tell people it’s from ___9___because everyone will be too drunk to know the difference. Hey, maybe I’ll really impress them and bring some ___10___, everyone loves fire! Should I pick up some helium balloons, inhale some, and do my infamous ___11___ impression? Yeah, bruh, probably. Every girl loves ___12___ because it reminds them of their childhood, and then they start talking about ___13___ and then they got all excited, and that’s good for the dudes, know what I’m saying? I also heard that ___14___ is going to be there, and that she can twerk better than ___15___ and ___16___ combined. Maybe I should make a playlist just in case the party isn’t popping enough. You know, some ___17___, some ___18___, and ___19___, the bitches love her. Of course I’ll throw on ___20___ to really get them asses bouncin’. Finna get laid tonight! I better wash my ___21___ sheets and make sure I have ___22___on hand for when I bring the party home. Birthday parties are the best!

WORD BANK 1) Weekday 2) Shitty beer 3) Freshman dorm 4) Your roommate 5) “Fun” sorority 6) Flavor 7) Unusual liqueur 8) Grocery store 9) High-end designer 10) Type of firework 11) Cartoon character 12) Cartoon from #11

13) Popstar from your childhood 14) Hottie on campus 15) Hot celebrity female 16) Old but hot celebrity female 17) Overplayed EDM artist 18) Classic rock band 19) Classic popstar 20) Bangin’ rap song 21) Cartoon from #11 22) Drunk food

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