The Black Sheep
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Vol. 1, Issue 2
The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/3/13 - 10/16/13
Baby in a Stroller
Totally gets ArtPrize BY: Casey Stoddard ArtPrize is upon us. Each year, hundreds of artists submit their work to be judged by the cultured citizens of Grand Rapids. People young and old, white and whiter, all representing The Midwestern Mecca of Art that is GR, amass with their dogs by their side and their newborns in tow. Babies, being the smallest, most devoted aficionados of art, are known to kick and scream and beg their parents to escort them downtown so they can suckle on art’s sweet, sweet nectar. As all walks of life flock to downtown Grand Rapids, The Black Sheep took the opportunity to sit down with an observer who hasn’t quite reached the walking stage of life. To the untrained eye, eight-month old Ezra Wilkins appears to be just another toddler strapped into a stroller. However, Ezra’s father Jasper Wilkins, a onetime struggling artist, assures The Black Sheep that Ezra is enjoying the art more than any ordinary Midwestern adult. Jasper notes, “I knew right from Ezra’s first words ‘Da-Da’ that he has a keen eye for the magnificent. My heart melted faster than the watches in Salvador Dali’s The Persistence of Memory when I heard him utter that phrase. I would be doing a disservice to Ezra and especially his heroes:, Arp and Duchamp, by hiring a babysitter to watch him while the wife and I walked around.” When we suggested his son’s first words were in fact short for “Dad” and not short for “Dadaism,” Jasper rejected the notion. “Not a chance,” he stated. “My son refers to me by my first name and not some title that creates an unnecessary, paternalistic hierarchy. We’re all equals in our household.” For the majority of the interview, Ezra remained in a quiet, Zen-like state. “He’s always thinking, digesting the world around him,” his father assured us. It was later confirmed by outside parties that Ezra was sleeping. When pressed for questioning, Ezra refused to take his toy keys out of his mouth long enough to give us any real answers. However, Jasper was more than willing to speak for his child. “I knew from the moment I looked into Ezra’s blue eyes, bluer than Picasso’s Blue Period, that he was going to be something special. Look at him, keys in his mouth. He doesn’t often speak, he communicates in actions. And his actions are saying he has the keys to life.” Around 2 p.m., The Black Sheep was able to observe the prodigy in his natural environment. Ezra was wide eyed and “in the zone,” according to his father, who spent the majority of the time explaining the ins and
outs of crosswalks to drivers. The duo spent a few moments discussing a portrait of a naked lady and shortly after, it was feeding time for Ezra. At the festival’s conclusion, Jasper allowed The Black Sheep to take a look in Ezra’s room. “That’s by far his favorite painting,” said Jasper, pointing to the image of Rene Magritte’s The Son of Man on the bedroom wall. “It’s the perfect painting for peek-a-boo. He’ll stare and play with that thing for hours.” When asked what his son’s favorite pieces were in this year’s ArtPrize, Jasper explained Ezra’s exquisite
taste. “Anything big and shiny. That really grabs his attention. Also, anything that he can put in his mouth, he’s a big fan of that. I know it angers some people, but it helps him get a better feel for the piece.” As for the future, Jasper shared his worries about Ezra submitting his own works to ArtPrize. “I would love to see his pieces around town, but in the last two years some pieces of shit have been destroying works they don’t personally agree with. Unless it’s a painting of Hitler bending your mom over your dog’s grave, leave it alone.”
page 4
page 5
page 5
Mass Suicides Following Conclusion of Breaking Bad
Students Make Pact to Get their life Together
Top 10: Places to Have Sex on Campus
Jesse pinkman may have gotten to stay alive, but that doesn’t mean we want to.
Who knew that Syllabus Week was seriously just a week long?
Can you knock any of these spots off your bucket list?
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This gothic rock frontman saw Bloodflowers all over the place after unloading a few rounds from a world-renown rifle maker.
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Mass suicides
following conclusion of Breaking Bad By: black sheep staff The finale episode of Breaking Bad aired this past Sunday, and in the days since the shocking ending of Walter White’s meth empire, 3.5 million Americans have committed suicide. And to make things worse, that number is still rising. The normal U.S. suicide rate is about 20 per 100,000 citizens every year, but since Sunday the rate has risen to about 250 suicides per 100,000 citizens per day. When asked for a comment, the World Health Organization called the 456,250% increase in suicides “very unusual.” GVSU has not been exempt from the sudden suicide craze; since the airing, local experts estimate between 200 and 4,300 students have ended their lives over the past few days. “I’m shocked. Utterly shocked,” said one student, whose roommate Robert Xanaxbar leapt from his Kistler room early Monday morning. “[Show creator] Vince Gilligan is a sick genius. There’s still one thing I still can’t don’t understand, why did Rob have to crash through the window on his way out? Now it’s hot as shit all day and cold as shit all night. That guy was always a dick.” “I just wish people would leave me the hell alone,” said junior Kelly Pinkerton-Stinfurder, wiping away tears. “After all that, after all I’ve gone through, it turns out it was a lie. They don’t really give you straight A’s for the semester if your roommate dies.” She paused to compose herself. “They said... I’m sorry, it’s just so *sniff* — they said that rule is in place for special circumstances, but suicide doesn’t count, since it’s like fraud or some bullshit. I stabbed her body in the chest as they were carrying her out to try and use a loophole or something, but they said it was too late.” Local police constable Erin Wüdrough wrote a public message for the student body that was sent out through the school’s emergency alert
system on Tuesday. “Students, I am not trying to talk you out of what you know you have to do. I understand the deep hole Breaking Bad has left, a hole that cannot be filled — I’m doing the same thing in a few weeks once I make enough money to leave to my wife and children. All I’m asking is that you consider the poor officers who have to clean up your yucky corpse. So please, we ask you to kindly end your life in a dumpster, or at least have a friend drag your body to a corner on your neighborhood’s garbage day. You can also make the medical examiner’s life a whole lot easier by stapling your ID to your face beforehand.” “In honor of Heisenberg, I’m gonna snort meth until I OD. Lol bye guys :)” tweeted sophomore Poot Smith immediately following the show’s ending. An hour later he tweeted “lol nvm this stuff is sweet” and since then has sent over 450 tweets, mostly containing derogatory comments toward actor Shia LeBeouf. President Obama addressed the suicidal nation on Wednesday. “Although the loss of over 1% of the American population is a tragedy in some ways... this is actually solving a lot of the federal government’s financial problems. Therefore, I am proud to award the Congressional Medal of Honor to every single man, woman, and child who helped save social security and the U.S. post office by painting the walls with their brains.” He nodded at his teleprompter operator as if to say “it’s okay, go ahead,” and after saluting, the president quickly stabbed himself through the stomach with a long ceremonial sword. “Now that that’s over with, I feel obligated to announce my membership in a post-Breaking Bad suicide pact with the majority of my administration, including a large
New Survey Finds 100% of U.S. College Students Have Entirety of Academia and Life Planned Out By: TJ Kimball
chunk of the presidential line of succession. JB one, JB two, Leahy, Kerry, Lew, Hagel Bagel, The Holdster, Jewell, Vilsa--wait, no, I think he pussied out. So say hello to President Tom Vilsack, I guess.”
With crossed legs, Danielle leans over the table to take a sip of her chai latte. Her smile is radiant, and the look in her eyes is one of confidence and commitment. “I’m just glad everybody gets it,” she half-whispers as the steam from her drink rises towards the ceiling. “It seems like 18 is the perfect age to make all of your most life-defining decisions. There was something to that profound teenage wisdom that told me; ‘move to the cornfields of Allendale, put yourself in debt, and be sure to pay for social acceptance as well as a closet for a home. Committing to this without any clue what career you want to enter or even what kind of person you want to be is the only sensible decision.’ That intuitive understanding of what will matter later in life simply can’t be described.” Her words ring out an echo being heard by students across the country. New information released Friday afternoon by the U.S. Census Bureau reveals that not only do college students of every age have their future mapped with unquestionable accuracy; there’s also a 100% success rate for placing students in careers related to their field of study. “I mean, how could you not have a plan?” She asks with an all-knowing ambience that shines through her rhetorical question. “It’s all so streamlined. College is like a giant hamster wheel of endless opportunity. I remember the first time I puked the oily remains of Klein-ese into the gutters facing Grand Valley’s Greek life housing units. I paused between dry heaves and pondered; ‘wow, this is going to be such a learning experience. How could anyone pass up such a profoundly maturing opportunity?’ That being said, as far as post-college life goes, I figure total satisfaction with life is just one career away. I’ve got insurance payments, child rearing, and the carpeted walls of my cubicle to look forward to. Life is bliss.”
Some may be doubtful of Danielle’s claims towards the nuclear model of western perfection, but the fact is that the numbers back her up. This year alone, 60 philosophy majors graduating from GVSU began graduate school immediately, all enrolling in an Athenian-style think tank. Their careers as metaphysical questioners of the nature of reality serve as a reminder that the gateway to one’s dreams is only a single degree away. “For me, it’s all about appreciating how fortunate we are to live in this system,” said James, a leading student at the graduate school for metaphysical inquiry. “The real reward is the total lack of fear over the ambiguities of life. Think about it. We live in a culture that’s compassionate enough to guide us towards our true ambitions. Now that’s really something to marvel at. To say that $600,000 dollars isn’t worth the key to the world that college represents is simply absurd.” “There’s nothing about that price tag that unsettles you then?” we asked. “Of course not!” he shouted, his quickness to anger demonstrating the boundless confidence he has for his response. “What is debt in regard to one’s dreams? I figured coming out of high school that I was only a certain number of philosophy credits away from understanding the true depth of life and existence, and I was right. That’s why I’m more than happy to carry half a mil’ on my shoulders. Thanks to college, I understand all that is and ever will be, and that’s the true reward of higher education.” And so the research demonstrates. Flawless employment rates and a skyrocketing sense of students attaining purpose in life through the education system, as reported by The Census, confirm his words. “I just hope everyone gets the chance to experience it., James sighs as he stands from the table. “Truly, there is no clearer route to happiness.”
Students Make Pact
to Get Shit Together
The
Top
Ten
Places to have Sex on Campus By: Claire
Sure, not everyone would describe Grand Valley State as “sexy,” but most people wouldn’t say the same thing about your mom, either. Still, someone (hopefully your dad) has sex in or around her. 10.) The Calder Art Center: While the art center may not be an extremely exciting place to get it on, it is a great option if you’d like to justify public sex. Just make a sign claiming you’re performance art and nobody will mind. People may stop to watch, but when they deem whatever you’re doing as artsy or a statement about society, they’ll move on because they just don’t “get it.” 9.) The Mary Idema Pew Library: The secluded corners and quiet study areas make great places to catch up on studying your textbooks and the Kama Sutra. Not to mention, below the stairs in the Atrium they’ve given you a comfy bed to do the dirty deed. 8.) The Bus: The air conditioning and metal poles make the bus a great place for sex. The motion of the bus is an added plus that is sure to really get you going, just so long as you don’t mind leers from the people who ride the bus for, you know, transportation. 7.) DeVos Center University Club: With an interior like that of a country club, the University Club is the perfect place to go if you’re feeling rebellious. Also, if you can’t find a real bar to have sex on, this room has a very upscale bar with a conveniently-placed mirror.
By: Dan Mirabelli As the first round of midterms comes to an end, many students have been shaken to their core as the reality of being at school has finally hit them. The results of the exams took an especially hard toll on two freshmen living in Copeland. “I honestly thought that Syllabus Week was a semesterlong thing, not just literally a week,” said Pete Donnelly, a civil engineering major.
It was only when they saw the email from their advisors that they began to realize how dire their situation actually is. Faced with two write-ups from their RA for “breaking in and peeing on a foreign exchange student’s bed” and “putting lube on everyone’s doorknobs” on top of their less-than-satisfactory grades, the two are looking at expulsion if their grades do not show improvement.
Pete, along with his roommate, had been going out five nights a week since school began in August, and they were caught with their dicks in the door (so to speak) when they were slapped in the face with four exams in the past week. Pete’s roommate Steven Billings humbly noted, “Low key, I was our class valedictorian and never studied for a test in my life. School has always been a joke for me.” They received a total of 5 F’s, 2 D’s and an inexplicable A earned by Pete on his philosophy exam.
The two have decided that they are making an oath to “get their shit together” in order to bring their grades back up. Although they were informed that not every oath has to be a blood oath, the two were insistent that the pact be written and signed in their blood “to let each other know it was real.” After the first few words, however, a red pen was quickly brought out, as well as antiseptic and Band-Aids. When asked why they stopped writing in blood, Pete explained through tears, “ from his allergies,” that it was simply unsanitary.
When asked how they studied for the exams and if they attended review sessions, their responses were not politically correct:
Steven spelled out the details of the oath to us, which included cutting down partying to three nights per week, as well as a mutual obligation to start attending discussion sections.
“Do I look like a limp dick queer?” exclaimed Pete. “Review sessions are for try-hards and needledicks,” added Steven, the previously mentioned valedictorian. When we tried to explain to them that said “needledicks” would probably end up with higher GPAs than “cool cats” that refused to attend review sessions, they were still not impressed. “The only GPA I care about is Guns, Pussy and Alcohol” said Steven, who received an excited high-five from Pete. When pressed to divulge how much they had actually studied for the exam, they said that they had skimmed the practice exams before they took their midterms but didn’t actually do any of the problems. When asked if they had photographic memories, they laughed and Pete commented that he didn’t have a photographic memory but instead had a “pornographic” memory. When asked to further explain what that entailed, he said, “It’s like normal memory, but everything is like sex.”
“We decided on not including lecture in the oath, because we both know that we’re just going to play Clash of Clans the whole time, so we’re just gonna bite the bullet on that one,” Pete added, which elicited approval from Steven. The two also agreed that they will be doing their best to attend their TA office hours if they start falling behind, but Steven made it clear that he would not be attending his economics office hours because his TA is a “total hippie that needs to get a haircut and stop talking about NPR.” Although these two students still need to make up a lot of ground, it is heartening to see that they have taken some steps to get their house back into order. We will be keeping up with these two and will give an update in a couple months to see if they are serious about their oath, since it is mostly written in red pen and not blood.
6.) Padnos Lobby Fountain: If you’re feeling a little thirsty head on over to the fountain in the lobby of Padnos. While it may not look comfortable, the incline and the cascading water are sure to fulfill all of your sensual needs. Hey, you can always claim it was in the name of science. 5.) The Eberhard Center Elevator: Obviously, one of the best places to have sex is an elevator. And if you’re going to pick an elevator, you should pick one of these. The elevators in the Eberhard Center are just roomy enough, have a romantic lighting to create the atmosphere, and a reflective ceiling so you can critique your partner’s moves. 4.) The Arboretum: This spacious area provides many trees, bushes, and elderly couples to hide behind. It’s a great setting for a little nymph role playing, and saying you made love in the Arboretum sounds much classier than saying you did it in the woods. 3.) The Executive Offices Suite: If the risk of getting caught by T-Haas or his staff doesn’t tickle your fancy, then the high class decorating scheme, comfortable furniture, and the occasional cubicle should be enough to keep things exciting. 2.) The Pit beneath The Ball: Everybody else has been naked there, why not you? 1.) The Zumberge Library: With a wonderful view of the pond and the clock tower, the Zumberge Library is truly picturesque. And being that it is currently a construction site, the old Zumberge Library is easy to get into and provides heaps of rusty nails and power tools to bring your S&M sexy time to a whole new level.
05
Around campus Send us your party pics from around campus to pics@theblacksheeponline.com
on the Streets What’s the worst piece of advice your parents ever gave you? ior M a rc u s , J u n
“My mom told me to wash my colors with my whites with warm cold water. I now have light blue and light pink shirts.”
r Nick, Junio
“Don’t do what you love because it won’t get you anywhere.”
h o m o re Garrick, Sop
“Women... can’t live with ‘em, but you can’t kill ‘em!”
06
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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The Bar Grid SPECIAL NIGHT
Everyday: Happy Hour 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine
New Holland’s Ichabod Pumpkin Ale $4.89 20 oz. Draft
Thursday
Happy Hour 2-6 and 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine
OCTOBER Beer of the Month
All Week Long! 50 Cent Wings During Any Michigan Team’s Game 4-9 Happy Hour
WEDNESDAY Flip Night: 3pm-10pm Do you feel lucky?
$0.55 Wings & $3.99 Long Islands For All NFL & NCAA Games: $2 Bud Light Drafts $3.25 Sam Adams Drafts $10.99 Bucket of 20 Wings $7.99 Lumberjack Burger
$5 Burritos or 50 Cent Wings
$5 Pitchers (3pm-10pm)
Friday
Happy Hour 2-6 and 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine
$6.99 Mombo Fruit Daiquiris
Karaoke 9:30-close
Buy Any 2 Pitchers and get a FREE One Topping 18” Pizza (2pm-6pm)
Saturday
Happy Hour 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine
$7.99 32oz. Brann’s Trash Can
All Week Long! 50 Cent Wings During Any Michigan Team’s Game 4-9 Happy Hour
Buy Any 2 Pitchers and get a FREE One Topping 18” Pizza (2pm-6pm)
Sunday
Happy Hour 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine
$3.99 Absolut Bloody Mary Bar Includes Absolut, Absolut Peppar or Absolut Citron
Pool Tournaments
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
Monday
Happy Hour 2-6 and 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine
Monday Night Football! $5.99 Burger & Draft Combo (kickoff through the final whistle) $3.50 Craft Bottles
$6 Burger & Brew
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
Tuesday
Happy Hour 2-6 and 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine $1 off Turkey Burgers
55 Cent Wings Tuesdays! $3.50 You-Call-It Flavored Vodkas
35 Cent Wings, College Night
$1 Drafts (2pm-10pm)
Wednesday
Happy Hour 2-6 and 8:30-close $1 off all Michigan Craft Draft Beer $1 off all Liquor $1 off all Glasses of Wine
$3.99 Domestic 32oz. Mini Pitchers
All Pizzas $10
Flip Night: 3pm-10pm Do you feel lucky?
LA IT, WHAT?)
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The Bar Grid MONDAY! $4 Tall Craft Brews $1 Off All Burgers
*HAPPY HOUR* MON Thru FRI 3-6PM & 10-Close $1.50 OFF ALL TALL DRAFTS $2 WELLS $2 DOMESTIC BOTTLES. $3 HOUSE WINES $3.99 10” 1 Topping Pizza
SPECIAL NIGHT
9pm-Midnight: $2-$3-$2 U-Call-Its $3.99 Boneless Chicken Dinger Platters
$4 Long Islands, $4 Three Olive Bombs, $3 Heineken Bottles
COLLEGE NIGHT W/ DJ MONAHAN 10PM TILL CLOSE FREE SHUTTLE BUS RIDES CALL 889-0683 STARTING AT 10PM TILL 12AM $2 Wells, $2 Domestic Pints $3 Crafts/Micro Drafts
Thur.
BBQ Rib Tip Platter $7.99 $2 Domestics & $2 Wells until 8pm $4 Jack & Coke All Night
9pm-Midnight: $3 Captain Morgan cocktails $3 Pinnacle Flavored Vodka Cocktails
$4 Margaritas $7 Labatt Pitchers
$13.99 PRIME RIB DINNER STARTING @ 10 PM $3 DIRTY GIRLSCOUT SHOTS
Fri.
Any 2 menu items and a bottle of wine or pitcher of beer for $30
Fire Braised Pulled Chicken Sandwich $6.99 Half-Off drinks All Day!
Noon-6pm: $2 Domestic Pints 9pm-Midnight: $3 Long Islands and $5 Bulldozers
$3 Wells, $3.50 Tall Bud Light Drafts
$13.99 Chef’s Special, Call for Details STARTING @10 PM $3 SUPERMAN SHOTS
Sat.
Come Check us Out on Wednesday’s for 1/2 off drinks!
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Monday Night Football! Half-off drink specials Corn Bread Sliders $4.99
$2.99 Margaritas All Day! $3.99 Peach/Raspberry/Mango and Banana Margaritas All Day $3.99 Taco Basket
$4 Tall Craft Brews $1 Off All Burgers
$5.95 PASTA BOWLS $1.99 10” 1 TOPPING PIZZAS (8PM-1AM) (W/ PURCHASE OF BEV) $2 Bud and Bud Light Pints
Mon.
$5 Patron Shots $2.50 Corona/Corona lt. bottles After 9pm: $3 Wells, $2 Domestic Bottles, $1.50 Select Shots
High Life Tuesdays! $3 U-Call-Its 9pm-12 $1 Rocket shot ALL NIGHT! $1.50 Highlife ALL NIGHT!
9pm-Midnight: $3 U-Call-Its & $3.99 1/2 Burgers Karaoke with Deb from 9pm-1am
$2 Wells, $3 Tall Bud Light
TEAM TRIVIA 10PM (PRIZES FOR TOP 3 TEAMS) PICK 3 FOR $19.99 CHOICE OF 2 ENTREES, 1 APPETIZERS, AND 1 DESSERT $3 Long Island and Long Beach $3 House Wines, $2 Dom. Bottles
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9pm-Midnight: $4 Martinis $4.99 Pitchers of PBR $3.99 Select Appetizers
$4 Jager Bombs, $3 Tall Labatt Drafts Trivia at 9pm
Karaoke @ 10 o’clock $5.95 BURRITOS (MEAT, MEAT AND BEAN, OR CHICKEN) $3 Margartias, $3 Coronas
Wed.
WEDNESDAYS! 1/2 off all drinks
High Life Tuesdays! $3 U-Call-Its 9pm-12 $1 Rocket shot ALL NIGHT! $1.50 Highlife ALL NIGHT!
Happy Hour: Monday-Friday $2.75 20oz Domestic Drafts, $3 Well Drinks
$1.50 Rolling Rock and Brooklyn Lager Cans, $2 PBR and Miller Highlife Cans, $3 Boddington and Strongbow Cans $5 Vodka Redbulls $3 Wells, and Sex on the Beach
Half-off drinks 12-8pm College Night $3 U-Call-Its 9-12pm Drink specials all night!
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Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: Engaged Favorite Drink: Bombay Sapphire and tonic Favorite Shot: Fireball Disgusting Drink: Tequila mixed with... well, anything. What’s a fall fashion don’t?: Leggings as pants and those damn half-shirts girls keep wearing... what makes it worse it that they’re always see-through! If you were named mayor of Grand Rapids, what would be the first thing you’d do?: I’m a foodie so I’d make a magazine all about the amazing food we have in GR.
Diza of Shots! Drinking Game Fill the Pumpkin Having a variety of alcohol is always good, right? That must mean that having a variety of alcohol in one drink must be great! Maybe not. Let’s find out. What You’ll Need: A plastic pumpkin bucket, pair of dice, a wide variety of alcohol types and flavors, and friends who have strong stomachs. Number of Players: The more, the scarier. Level of Intoxication: Let’s just say the pumpkin doubles as a vomit bucket. How to Play: - Place the pumpkin in the middle of the table and surround it with booze. - The first person rolls the dice and does the corresponding action with the number rolled. - Two: Speak in a funny accent until it’s your turn again. - Three: Make up a rule. Whoever breaks the rule takes a drink. - Four: Pour a drink into the pumpkin. - Five: Play a round of “Never Have I Ever.” Whoever loses takes a drink.
- Six: Drink whatever is in the plastic pumpkin. - Seven: Make someone else take a shot. - Eight: Pour a drink into the pumpkin. - Nine: Roll one of the dice again. Whatever number you get, drink for that many seconds. - Ten: You’re Question Master until someone else rolls a 10. - Eleven: Rhyming game with autumnthemed words - Twelve: Drink whatever is in the plastic pumpkin.
The Game Ends When: The first person starts looking a little ghoulish. Once there’s vomit in the pumpkin bucket, we doubt you’ll want to keep playing with it.
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If you could have something named for you after you die,
what would it be?: A lake, because I love the water. What’s the worst prank you’ve seen someone pull at a party?: This douche took everyone’s shoes! All of them! And he didn’t come back either. Assuming you had to get a tattoo on your forehead, what would it be?: Probably a peace sign. What new slang word are you tired of hearing?: “Epic” can go away any time now. What 90s nostalgia is criminally underrated?: The Ren & Stimpy Show Why should people read The Black Sheep?: We need laughs in our daily... I mean, bi-weekly lives.
Recipe for disaster Whiskey Caramel Dipped Apples Autumn is officially here and what a better way to celebrate it than with caramel-dipped apples, infused with booze, of course! They’re a little healthy, a lot sweet and have the potential of getting you a little tipsy. What more could you want? What You’ll Need: A bunch of apples, wooden popsicle sticks, wax paper, caramel bits, your favorite whiskey, and whatever other chunky monkey toppings you want to pack into your mouth Cook Time: We’re guesstimating 25 minutes. Fatty Factor: It’s like 80% fruit, so let’s just leave it at that. Let’s Get Baked: - Place your caramel bits in a bowl. - Microwave the caramel for about 3 minutes, stirring after each minute. Stop the microwave after the mixture is melted. - For each bag of caramel bits used, add 3 tablespoons of whiskey. Stir. - Shove a popsicle stick into one of the apples and dip the entire apple into the caramel mixture, making sure it is completely covered when you’re done. Lift the apple out of the bowl and let the excess caramel drip off. - Roll your apples into the toppings of your choosing or simply place them on the wax paper plain. - Allow your caramel apples to chill in the refrigerator for about 15 minutes before enjoying! Try experimenting with different alcohols and flavors, such as green apple vodka. We suggest steering clear of disgusting dessert flavors, unless you want to see your delicious apple creation in the toilet.
nomnomnomnom theblacksheeponline.com
the black sheep interviews:
Flux Pavilion English DJ-slash-producer Joshua Steele, better known as Flux Pavilion, was kind enough to give us a solid fifteen minutes to talk about music, because like us, he likes music. The Black Sheep: How does the songwriting process for electronic music differ when you’re working alone versus with a person? Flux Pavilion: I prefer to do a lot of work on my own. For a collaboration it depends on who I work with, and their creative process. Getting on the same page of music, often we’ll sit for a couple of hours talking before we work on the music, which allows you to know where they’re coming from so you can approach the music from a certain way. I was just did a session with these guys, Anamanaguchi, who are a four-piece group, who do video game-style music. I sat on my computer as they got their Game Boys out, they’d make music and they’d send it over by email. I ended up with 30 email cuts and I’d take those cuts and see where they’d take me. It was like I was producing a song with people in the room where we’d just say, “how about that there and that there?” TBS: Someone like that, with such a distinct sound, does that provide you with any kind of challenges? FP: Their sound is quite similar to mine, actually. I wanted to work with them because I could tell that we think in the same way about music and chord structure and melodies. I wanted to work with them because we have similar ideas that we can approach in different directions. There was no problem there. Where there was a problem, they write on
a Game Boy, and that doesn’t stay in time or is necessarily in tune. They’d send me a tune and it’d be out of time because the algorithm in the Game Boy is different than a computer. TBS: When you do a live set, do you adapt things show to show? FP: I don’t actually change my set for anyone, because I think that my job on that stage as an artist is to give a performance of who I am as a musician. I’m showing what my taste is and who I am as an artist. I think of myself as a band, and if a band shows up and the crowd doesn’t like their music and they decide instead to play a lot of covers, it’s like, what’s the point of the band being there if they don’t play what makes them tick? If people hate it, then those people aren’t a fan of what I do. I don’t give a shit about that, I don’t want everyone to like me. I want to give the best impression of what I do, and I want people to love that. TBS: Has that always been your frame of mind, or has your approach to a live show changed? FP: It has changed, I guess. I’m more confident now. I never used to talk on the mic, I’d just go out there and play the music. I used to mix the tracks with my back to the audience for a few minutes. My approach has changed because I think there’s something more thrilling with being up there and connecting with people. When I get into music, I want them to get into it as well.
TBS: What can people expect in a live show going forward? FP: Next year it’s a lot more towards live singing and live stuff. I’ve always written music with the idea of it being performed live. I’m not a producer who does loads of crazy sounds or chopping and editing. I quite like natural sounds, even if it’s a ridiculous electronic track, there’s natural elements to it. I want it to sound aesthetically the same, but performed by live people, but with me singing with a guitar solo. That’s every kid’s dream, isn’t it? To be like Jimi Hendrix. TBS: You’ve said before you’re inspired by Sigur Ros and Brian Eno. This seems to be a similar theme among musicians of all genres. What’s so musically interesting about them that they’re universally loved? FP: Because they work with feelings, I guess. Their music makes me feel something. It sounds like they want it to sound. It’s a hard thing to explain, but a track’s not made for the radio with a hook or a chorus, it’s music that exists because it needs to exist. It came from their brains or their hearts and there’s something pure and natural about that. It’s untouched by nothing but the humans that created it, which is a really awesome thing. I think Dr Dre’s The Chronic is one of the best hip-hop albums because it sounds like Dr. Dre wrote all the tracks, a music representation of his brain. Pure music is a vision or a concept that an artist doesn’t have a plan, they just sit down and write a song without thinking. By: Brendan Bonham
The black sheep
interviews: Dominique Ansel Creator of the cronut By: brendan bonham Is it a croissant? A donut? No, it’s a cronut. From the mind of mad pastry chef Dominique Ansel comes something that’s as much fun to push out of your mouth as it is to shove in. Cronut, cronut, cronut. Hah, cronut. We wanted to talk about cronuts (and say cronuts) and Mr. Ansel was kind enough to indulge us.
The Black Sheep: How do you get from the idea of a cronut, to a cronut? Dominique Ansel: I create new things all the time. The creative part is very, very important; I won’t launch an item until I know it’s up to my standards. For the cronut, it took me about two months. It’s not the question rushing something quickly, it’s more finding the perfect texture and the right way to do it to make sure the product lasts in time. Really, finding a good product that could made properly without requiring too much time and unique in texture and flavor. TBS: What are some of the variables in play when you’re getting this ready? DA: A lot of little things; the ratio for the recipe, the ingredients a product contains, the type of flour, the technique, the refining pricing. Everything is very, very important. If you change one thing, it’s different at the end. That’s why I test the product every day, to make sure it’s up to my standards. TBS: When did you decide they’re ready? Was it one of those eureka moments, or was it
more “finally, this is what I was looking for”? DA: You know, it’s just something that you know. Recipe after recipe, time after time it’s a good product that you try to make better. Once I had the perfect texture, I knew it was ready to go. TBS: And when you first started selling these, was it just something in your store, then it took off? DA: Exactly. We launched the product back in May and it was just on the menu. I make new things all the time. People really liked it, and we appeared on a blog. That same night the blog called us and said it was linked over 140 times, and that we should make a few more. The next day there were people waiting outside. It was a surprise for me. TBS: The amount you make a day, where does that number come from? DA: Well, we have a small kitchen, so we do as many as we can, but we need to make the other things that we serve. We’re not a cronut shop. I don’t want the creation to kill the creativity, I want to create new things and keep people excited. Right after the cronut we launched the frozen s’more, it’s marshmallowly ice cream, we torch it to order to caramelize the outside. You only have a few minutes to eat it, and it’s a unique experience to enjoy ice cream. I’m going to do something for the fall that is nice and different, too. TBS: How busy are you right now? DA: I spend a lot of time in the bakery. I open the doors myself every day. We’ll show up 4:30, 5 in the morning. I’ll be in the kitchen until 8a.m. then opening the doors and welcoming people. It’s important to me to be close to my staff. TBS: Do you own the name or the idea? DA: We own the trademark to the name “cronut.” TBS: People making knock-offs, do you try them? DA: I haven’t tried any yet. To me, when you inspire people to make new things, it’s great. TBS: Do you have concerns that you’ll be Cronut Guy? DA: I want to keep making things and keep people excited. People come now and see all the other pastries we have, a fresh selection and made-to-order. People don’t just come for the cronuts, they come because we’re different.
Guess the Guttenberg
Movie List:
Each box features the handsome steve guttenberg in one of his many blockbuster films. do you know which movie each box is from?
Police Academy • Cocoon • It Takes Two • Three Men and a Baby • The Big Green Poseidon Adventure • Short Circuit • The Boyfriend Club • Tower of Terror
Send your answers to classtime@theblacksheeponline.com the first right answer gets a prize!
m.a.s.h. Best Man: - Paul Simon - Paul Walker - Paul Wall - DJ Pauly D
Signature Entree: - Fruit Loops - Snickers ice cream - Spicy mustard - Greek yogurt
Honeymoon Destination: - Sea World - Electric Forest Music Festival - Cuba - Cleveland, OH
Maid of Honor: - Beyonce - Cher - Madonna - Ke$ha
Signature Beverage: - Warm milk - Grape Kool-Aid - Cucumber water - Cement mixer shots
Honeymoon Adventure: - Twerk-off - Drug smuggling - Ceramics class - Shoplifting
Animal of Honor: - Shamu - Geico gecko - Flipper - Ed the Horse
First Dance Song: - “Fuckin’ Problems” - “Wrecking Ball” - “Hoochie Mama” - “Blurred Lines”
You live happily ever after... - as traveling carnies. - debating politics every day. - shopping at Whole Foods. - getting into the EDM scene.
Let us
predict
your future How to Play: Dash some lines until someone, or your brain, tells you to stop. Take the number of lines and go down the list, and cross off every time you get to your numbers. Where there is one left in each category, that is your future. Yeah, you remember this from elementary school - don’t pretend like you don’t.
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