GVSU Spring Issue 3 by The Black Sheep

Volume 4

The Black Sheep

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The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 3

Manspreading: Fact or Fiction? Logan Bailey wrote this

Manspreading: When a male in a confined space splays his legs and personal property, denying space to the passenger(s) sitting next to him. As we all know, the plight of manspreading has been gaining serious ground around GVSU. The Black Sheep crafted a short survey and released it to you fine people to obtain the truth: Is manspreading really a problem at Grand Valley?

Also note that 20% of the females opted out of answering this question at all. Is this simply not a viable argument to be having at Grand Valley? Or maybe people are so used to it happening they don’t even notice.

Who’d We Poll? We surveyed a sample size of 145 people. • 84% of which were GVSU students. • 63% of which were female, 37% male.

• Literally everywhere… • While I sit, it is natural for males. Due to an organ in the middle of our legs • Wherever I please • Right now… • The men’s bathroom • The whole goddam campus. That shit gotta breathe • The bus • Right here right now, bitch Verdict: Dudes can be dicks with dicks

Question 1: Do you think manspreading is an issue at GVSU? Surprisingly (or not surprisingly?) 64% of those who answered our poll did NOT think manspreading is an issue here on the GVSU campus. That leaves a measly 36% of folks thinking we should address this as an issue. We’re not math majors or nothin’, but that’s like, 1/3rd.

Considering 20% didn’t choose either and how close of a race this is for those who did, the statistics show that manspreading is little more than a conversation starter here at GVSU.

Early Verdict: Not an Issue

Midway Verdict: Kind-Sorta-Maybe-An-Issue Question 3: As a Male, have you ever caught yourself manspreading? Here’s where it gets strange, Lakers. 67% of the males that answered this survey said that they knew they were culprits of manspreading. It seems that our Laker brethren know they’re bad, yet almost half of the females say that they haven’t actually been a victim of it. Not nearly as strange or surprising were what some of the fellows had to say about the act when asked where they’ve witnessed or committed it:

Question 4: Where were you the victim of manspreading, if ever? Out of the 39 that offered textual answers, 29 stated that they had been the victim of manspreading on one of the buses at Grand Valley. Aghast! Are you really that surprised? Here are some insightful answers as to where this has occurred: • Everywhere… • In a vehicle with two men next to me • On the bus, where this dude was uncomfortably resting his leg against mine so his balls could breathe • Library • The backseat of a small car • Everywhere, I’m so triggered It seems that wherever manspreading is seen, it’s almost always when a female is present. Not cool, bro(s). Verdict: Susan B. Anthony would be kinda mad What Have We Learned?: Final Verdict: Not an Issue What does it all mean? Where do we go from here? Are we surely doomed? Well, it’s safe to say there isn’t really a manspeading problem at Grand Valley…aside from the select few douche-tards that are douche-tardy enough to actually spread their legs into the personal space of those around them. If you do witness this, take a photo and send it to @TheBlackSheepGV and we’ll take care of business.

Question 2: As a female, have you ever been the victim of manspreading? The plot thickens, classmates…sort of. It’s a pretty close call on whether or not females at Grand Valley have ever actually been affected by manspreading on campus, with literally a 37/38 yes/ no split. How’s that for inconclusive? Pretty damn inconclusive.

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PAGES 12-13

FIVE GUESSES: WHO’S BEHIND GVCRUSHES

THE ABCS OF COLLEGE: E-H EDITION

YOUR VALENTINE’S DAY QUESTIONS GET ANSWERED

IT’S EITHER ASHTON KUTCHER OR NORTH KOREA, RIGHT?

THIS WEEK WE COVER EVERYTHING FROM YOUR EVIL NEMISIS TO GETTING THAT HOT BOD.

A FEW LONELY SOULS ASKED US SOME QUESTIONS, SO WE PROVIDED OUR BEST ADVICE.

MEET the STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Claire Fisher

SOCIAL MEDIA MANAGER Meghan Dooley

EDITORIAL MANAGER Rachel McLaughlin

CAMPUS DIRECTOR Brendan Bonham

ADVERTISING MANAGERS Derek Arguelloh

OWNER Atish Doshi

WRITERS Julie Nichols • Jeff Perry Shardae Rudel • Dylan Hancook Teresa Williams Abigail Dewstow Alison Tazelaar

FOUNDERS Atish Doshi, Brendan Bonham, Heather-Jo Gorius, Jimmy DeBlasio, Jessica Sommers, Quinn Myers

DISTRIBUTION MANAGER Kelly Bellanger

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

CLAMBAKE When a party is almost all girls, and guys are in scarce supply. The opposite of a sausagefest.

SLIP STREAM

Godammit Sara, I thought you said there would be guys here! This is such a clambake. Let’s go, maybe Todd’s party will be better.

CAN YOU GUESS THE CELEBRITY BACK?

THE BATHROOM GRAFFITI CUTOUT Know of a bathroom stall that needs some pizazz? Cut this out, stick in a bathroom stall, Tweet or Instgram a pic and #Sheepﬃti and we’ll send you a prize!

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TOUCH ME

Singles’ Guide to Enjoying Valentine’s Day Abby Dewstow wrote this

February 14th, the day when couples finally have the excuse to be super-lovey and super-horny all day long. As a single person, one usually spends the day eating cheap, heart-shaped boxes of chocolate while watching reruns of horrible Lifetime movies and crying into a tub of Half-Baked ice cream. Well, this year is going to be a little different. Behold, The Black Sheep’s guide to enjoying the single life, even on Valentine’s Day. Dinner: Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you can’t go out and enjoy yourself. In the first step of this guide, you should take yourself out to a fancy dinner for once. Now, there are one of two ways to go about this. Either look desperate and upset, faking that someone stood you up, and earn a sympathetic free dessert from your waiter. Or, you can find the most nauseating couple in the restaurant, pull up a chair and mooch off their food before dumping a pitcher of water on them for yelling at you to leave (whichever helps satisfy your passive-aggressive tendencies). Steal their (wo)man: From here, why not treat yourself to a night out? Locate the nearest couple with the hottest person of your choice, and break in on that action. Walk right in-between them, grab her hand,

and skip on your merry way. This new dame (we can still say “dame,” right?) will surely love your crazy, dominating personality, dumping her boyfriend on the spot, for you. It’s better than being catfished on Tinder or becoming desperate enough to try and find a mate on Yik Yak. Ruin other people’s good times: Head down to Rosa Parks Circle and trip the lovely couples while they ice-skate. Nothing helps relieve the bitterness of the single life (and celebrate Black History Month—go Rosa!) like a good faceplant on the ice. Or, if you’re hungry, steal other peoples’ chocolate hearts. To pick your victim, stake out the Standale Meijer and wait for a desperate man to start digging through the almost-dead roses. Then, follow him home and reap the benefits. As he goes to pick up his lady jump in the back seat of his car and go to town on that candy. The fun only ends when your victim’s lady finds you laying in the backseat of his car, eating her chocolatecovered strawberries. You totally won’t get violently beaten for this, don’t you worry. Get drunk, get action: You could also spend the day getting drunk as hell. Start with Kahlua in your coffee at nine in the morning, and work your way through your contacts, asking every

eligible person for a one-night stand. You’ll end up with a killer singles’ party back at your place… or a totally awkward orgy that your drunken alter ego started. Either way, it’s a surefire way to enjoy Valentine’s Day. Whether you’ve just been dumped, or have been bitterly hating Valentine’s Day since you exited the womb (mostly because your parents

have never stopped informing you of how great your conception on Valentine’s Day was), spending the day by yourself no longer has to be the only option. Get out there, ruin lives, get laid like everyone else, and pretend none of it happened the next day. It’s just another stupid holiday, so why not start making some irrational, slightly dangerous traditions?

STUDENT EATING ALONE WONDERS IF PEOPLE THINK HE’S A FRIENDLESS LOSER Julie Nichols wrote this

Clarence Fishman, sophomore, sat alone in Fuel, eating what is considered the worst “Asian” cuisine in the history of mankind. It was during his time away from other living beings when he pondered philosophical and profound thoughts. When a group of laughing students passed by his table, Fishman wondered if the people sitting around him thought he was a “friendless loser,” as he had no one to laugh with at the moment. “I don’t know, I just had this revelation that people were looking at me. Like a lot,” Fishman told The Black Sheep last week. “And they have to be thinking about how lame I am, sitting at this bar that faces the wall.” Fishman’s plight is that of the common twentysomething. National trends show that most college students feel put under a spotlight not only when they eat alone in a campus dining hall, but even if they are merely waiting for a friend to join them for a meal. Students want other students of the world to know they are, in fact, cool and not a worthless piece of human garbage. “And duh, I have friends. I’ve got bros and whatnot,” Fishman said. “We just don’t have the same lunch schedule on Tuesdays. So, I’m totally not a loser or anything.” When asked why he didn’t try sitting with someone new and striking up a conversation, Fishman appeared to have a visceral and violent allergic reaction. Like many people his age, Fishman suffers from a common medical condition where his body decides to internally

combust at the thought of social interaction. “You know, making friends is hard,” Fishman said. “It involves introductions and small talk and I’m pretty comfortable where I am on the social ladder. Plus, every time I say my own name out loud, I’m 98% sure a caterpillar dies in its own cocoon.” The Black Sheep also interviewed freshman psychology major Rochelle Macoupin, because in order to truly understand the mind of an insecure young adult, a psych major is just the person to ask. “In my psychology 101 class, we learned that for the most part, people really don’t pay attention to others,” Macoupin said. “This is because, and I’ll quote Freud here, ‘people just don’t give a rat’s ass.’ Really, as long as you aren’t one of those asshats who sits at one of those big tables that could ideally seat eight, people couldn’t care less about you eating Lunchables by yourself.” The good news then for fellow Lakers like Clarence Fishman is that your presence doesn’t make a difference. It’s hard to leave any impression on someone, particularly that you’re a “friendless loser,” when they’re too busy losing at Trivia Crack to notice your lonesome ass. “ It really never occurred to me that rather than think of me as a lonely loser that people just didn’t’ think of me at all,” Fishman said. “Or, that I could be projecting my own insecurities into other situations. Ha, live and learn, right?”

IS IT YOU?

THE TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE PANTIES DROP Valentine’s Day is approaching faster than most of us care to admit, and most of the population has no idea how to get laid. So because we care about you and your libido, The Black Sheep compiled a foolproof list of ways to get panties to drop.

Five Guesses: Who’s Behind GVcrushes Shardae Rudel wrote this We all know GVSU Crushes (@GVSUlove). It’s been among the most well-known places to shamelessly peruse for local entertainment. Yet, the question isn’t who the descriptions are about or even who submitted them. Curiosity is piqued instead by the administrator of the account. How can one person wield so much power? What kind of person would run an account just to post intriguingly similar descriptions of GV students? Who exactly is behind the mask of @GVlove? Here are our top theories: 5.) A RomCom Protagonist Looking for Love: There’s really nothing quite like the innocence and creepiness of someone on a quest for true love. They’ll stop at nothing to find it, and that includes setting up an entire social media account and making proclamations of love to everyone on campus in the hope that someday, somehow, their future love will track them down and run with them in slow motion across the Fieldhouse lawn. Kind of sounds like a new Nicolas Sparks book, doesn’t it? 4.) North Korea: While some may argue that North Korea has better things to do than run a GV Twitter account, we beg to differ. Things are just so serious over there. Thankfully, the internet is still legal here (for now) and there is very much a chance that the socialist government could be using the account as a way to spy on the daily lives of GV students, and potentially many others, for their entertainment. Or a terrorist plot. We are the future of the work force, you know. 3.) Ashton Kutcher: The guy loves his pranks. Well, at least he did before he went and got all domesticated. The account could very well be one big practical joke on GV – a Punk’d setup for the social media age. GV is an easy target, desperately trying to feel relevant by expanding campus and pretending like it’s going to transfer to Division I. This desperation can be easily transferred onto students, drawing them together to combat the struggle with “secret” declarations of love. If this is true, expect Kutcher to come out from behind a locally-made art piece ready to make you cry any day. 2.) Anonymous: The ridiculous, yet equally terrifying group is known for its wide range of targets across the internet. Who’s to say Anonymous wouldn’t toy with student emotions? The name-dropping on the account can very easily be a computer hack or some super-sleuthing on Facebook. GVSU Crushes could easily turn into a massive computer virus to wipe out Blackboard from existence which, you know, wouldn’t be the worst thing. 1.) T. Haas: T. Haas is the most recognizable face around campus (sorry, “Hey There Laker!” guy – you tried). All of the recognition has to get old. What better way to keep up with the goings-on of Laker Nation than running an anonymous Twitter account? Hiding behind hundreds of confessions must be a great way to unwind after nodding at every GV student and pretending like you know who they are. Picture it now: T. Haas atop his throne of student debt, scrolling down submissions and giggling like a little school girl ready to play matchmaker. We may never know the mysterious admin who runs @GVSUlove. It could be a computer that’s learned to love or maybe Bigfoot learned how to use a computer. Regardless, we’re sure all of us will continue to peruse the pages upon pages of tweets to see if someone wants to do ungodly things to us or our friends.

10.) Have your own Netflix account: Nothing screams “financially stable” and knows how to have a good time” like having your very own Netflix account. One that you pay for. Monthly. On time. With your own money. So maybe try casually slipping it into conversation. 9.) Read the Bible: Grand Valley is tucked nicely into the Bible Belt of Michigan. Knowing how many people have been flayed alive for their faith. Quote Psalm 137:9 and make his dick rise like Jesus Christ on Easter. 8.) Literally pants people: You may not actually get any panties from this, but pants are kind of the same thing. They share like five letters. They’re probably like cousins or something, so just go for it. It’s not like you’re going to get any closer than that anyway. 7.) Terrible pick-up lines: Awful pick-up lines are this weird ironic method of tempting someone to bed. They’re awful, and no one should ever use them, but there’s just something poetic and seductive about a well-placed, cheesy/corny pickup line. It calls to you—like alcohol on a week day. “Girl, were you in Star Wars? Cuz Yodalicious.” 6.) Just walk around campus: Panties are apparently just falling all over campus, if you haven’t noticed on Overheard at GVSU. Just go on an excursion across GV. You can try searching through trees, under the snow, behind buildings, hanging on staircase railings. Maybe make it a game with your friends. Or like maybe you should not touch them because that’s probably not sanitary. 5.) Sing a capella versions of Skrillex songs: Is there anything more attractive than dropping the bass in perfect three-part harmony? Nope. Nothing. So why don’t you call up your best bros? Practice starts next Thursday at four. Once you’ve got it down, find that special someone and start serenading. 4.) Play country music: Ah, the sweet twang of an acoustic guitar. The warble of a deep-voiced Southern gentleman. The intense groaning of everyone in the area when you start singing poorly with your pants on your head. Super- alluring. Farm girls will take off their boyshorts just for you. 3.) Manspreading: There’s nothing people love more than taking way too much space on the bus. Seriously. If someone tries to sit next to you, just sprawl across the seats. Knock people out of theirs. In fact, just bring all of your shit and move onto the bus. It shows dominance and chicks dig that. 2.) Be great at Trivia Crack: Do you know what the capital of Bosnia and Herzegovina? How about how many times Brazil’s won the World Cup? What material is canvas made of? With all that random useless knowledge, people are bound to be throwing their panties at you. 1.) Use debit dollars to buy Papa John’s: There isn’t anything sexier than pizza. Lingerie? Nah. Romantic candlelit dinner? Forget it. Proposing under an immense sea of stars while a symphony plays behind you? Not even close. The only thing that could possibly make pizza sexier is with breadsticks, a giant cookie, and a two liter. Teresa Williams wrote this

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IF YOU HAD TO DESCRIBE YOUR SEX LIFE USING FAST FOOD, WHAT WOULD IT BE?

ANNABELLE, JUNIOR

“Taco Bell because it’s usually at erratic hours and driven by questionable impulses.”

NATHAN, JUNIOR

“Jimmy John’s because I’m freaky fast.”

PAIGE, SENIOR “Wendy’s because I’m only into ginger girls.”

PRO TIPS

Alison Tazelaar wrote this

Last issue we covered the A,B,Cs (and Ds) of the college experience. Look, those were the easy ones, even babies know those letters of the alphabet. But E, F, G and H? That’s some grown-ass shit, Hondo.

How to find an vil nemesis: No hero’s journey is complete without some friendly opposition. To be truly heroic, you need to find an evil nemesis. The best way to go about this is by first choosing someone to despise. This person can be someone in one of your classes that talks too much, or maybe one day they wore the same shirt as you. You just have to hate them, the reason doesn’t really matter. The next step is to get on their radar of hate. You can push their coffee cup off their desk (preferably into their lap), you can steal their man, woman, or maybe even their wallet. Hell, key their car or prank call them; just make sure they know it’s you.

How to find ree food: This is a very important skill for any college student to have. Food is expensive, and a burden to procure for yourself. There are always events on campus claiming to have free food and you probably have to attend the event for your LIB class anyway, so why not fill your backpack with pizza at someone else’s expense? The easiest thing would be to steal someone else’s food or hack their Debit Dollars, or find an old person to adopt as your grandma to feed you. If you have no shame, show the Jimmy John’s delivery guy your tits, it works in the movies, after all. However, if you have a little more dignity, you can also follow the catering people around campus and wait around for the leftovers. This has been proven to work very effectively.

How to et away with everything: Step 1: Be part of the majority. Step 2: Be incredibly cute. Step 3: Befriend authority figures. Lying is an important factor when answering to a higher power, so you need to be skilled. It often helps to have a backup story ready to go in case of emergency, though it isn’t required if you have a friend that can read your mind. If you think this sounds like a little too much work and/or you have little to no skill in the art of lying, just be rich. This is America, that kind of thing works here. Buy your way out of that speeding ticket, buy your way out of failing chemistry, and buy your way out of prison.

How to get a ot bod: Spring is coming, which generally means less clothing for everyone. If you aren’t pleased with your body, you could go to the gym to get the desired results, whether it’s slimming down or gettin’ swole. Let’s be real, nobody wants to do that. So, The Black Sheep is here to provide you with some alternate paths to weight loss. Tape worms: these darlings will eat everything you eat, and more! You’ll be literally starving in weeks! Just find someone with tiny arms to reach down into your stomach when you’ve decided you’ve had enough. Another reasonable option? Run from your problems like they are rabid dogs chasing you down the street. These problems can be ex’s, homework, or that pesky MIP. Just keep runnin’ and you’ll get that bikini body in no time.

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The ABC’s of College: E-H Edition

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21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

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FRIDAY! $3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger & a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. $3 Beer Geek craft beer specials

College Night DJ Dickair & Jenny Disko 50% Off Drinks Open-12 Because Thursday ends at Midnight...

$4 Microbrews Boneless Chicken Dinger Platter

Friday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

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Saturday

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Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Live Entertainment

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Sunday Funday $3 Flavored Vodka, $2 Wells $2 Domestics Various Live Entertainment

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2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Michigan Monday, $3 select Michigan drafts

Closed, but don’t miss... Industry Specials All Day Sunday, Tuesday - Thursday 33% off Drinks for Restaurant/Bar Employees

$3.99 Margaritas Fried Pickle Chips

Tuesday

Local Night! $2 Tier 1 + $3 Tier 2 Beers from 4pm - 12am Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Tipsy Tuesday, $3 draft of our beer geek’s choice

Line Dancing $2.00 Wells All Night

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Wednesday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine 8 p.m. Geeks Who Drink Trivia

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. WIMP 50cent wings (min 6); $6 1/2 lb mussels; 25% off pitchers

Comedy Open Mic Night $1.50 Retro Cans, $2 Drink Specials

$4 Sangrias Hand-Battered Onion Rings

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21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

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Friday

Happy Hour 2-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Saturday

Rehab Brunch and Gong Show! $5 Build Your Own Bloody Mary bar from Noon to 5pm 1/2 off Jameson and $1 off Perrin and Founders Draft

Sunday

Happy Hour 4-7! Ladies Night: $4 Drink Menu (8PM-12AM) for Ladies, No Cover Until 11PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$4 Maragritas $6.50 Labatt Pitcher

$4 Long Islands Beer and Shot Specials Dance party select Fridays! Great DJ with a club atmosphere! Revolving Event Night at Mullys!

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$3 Guinness Bottles $3 Well Shot and Pop

Open Mic -- Kyler and Company in the house -PA system provided. Come to listen or bring your own instrument and play! Ladies Night--DJ in house spinning the best music every other Saturday! Talk to your bartenders for coming events!

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Drunken Retort: Spoken word, music, poetry, open-mic 8 p.m. Drink specials during the show. Happy Hour 4-6 p.m.

Monday

$2 Well Shot and Pop $3 Tall Bud Light

Taco Tuesday! Two great tacos for $3.00! $4.00 Margaritas and $2.00 Wells!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

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Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Wednesday

Happy Hour 4-7! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM

Happy Hour 4-7! Open Mic Night! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

WINNER!

The THESPYS:

Honoring Exceptional Social Performances of the Year Dylan Hancook wrote this

Life is hard, and it can become harder when it requires you to become a temporary black belt bullshit artist in everyday situations such as job interviews, class presentations, first dates, talking to someone you hate, talking to someone you like, and convincing your parents that you’re not wasting their money. In honor of Oscar season The Black Sheep decided to honor the ordinary, yet heroic, thespian performances in everyday confounding social situations. Patron of Patience: The Thespy for tolerating a mind-numbing conversation with someone you went to high school with (without wanting to kick an infant) goes to Connor Cervone. Connor was confronted by peppy, expressive Jenny, a high school acquaintance who wields perhaps one of the worst qualities in any human personality: she likes to catch up. Jenny went on about that one time they had AP statistics together and how weird it was that they never talked. “Remember Mrs. Jenson? What a nut! HAHAHAHA!” *Prolonged eye contact* Like a seasoned expert, battle-tested Connor stood his ground, held his tears, and nodded to the unevocative babble for nearly seven minutes without vomiting. That’s hard work, and for that, we award you. Bullshit Veteran: The award for best performance in a school presentation category goes to John Ames. An impressive one hour before class, John managed to forge a PowerPoint presentation about the digestive system out of obscure Wikipedia photos and WebMD descriptions. Nobody knew what he was talking about and neither did he, but he managed to snag a C and that’s all that matters. Keep up the average work, John! Creative Creep Dodging: You’re trying to enjoy the party and maybe find some singles to mingle when you lock eyes with the wrong guy. How do you know he’s the wrong guy? He has the unnerving stare of Steve Buscemi and the flirtatious swagger of a young Ted Bundy. He approaches and begins to interrogate you with questions; oh god he smells like chicken chow mien and your grandmother’s house. You need to lose this guy, but how? Just take it from Abby Matson, this year’s Thespy winner in the Creative Creep Dodging category. Sophisticated and experienced, Abby knows if there are two topics men cannot endure it’s the women’s emancipation and how “God is the only man” for her; so here you go Abby, take this award, you earned it. Interview Aficionado: For outstanding performance in a job interview situation, this Thespy goes to Courtney Polito. When asked what made Courtney right for the campus dining job, she proclaimed that ever since her father died of high cholesterol, it became her life’s dream to work the salad bar at Fresh. She also added that she spends 20 hours a week practicing cutting vegetables and carrying large pots of soup. It was no surprise that she got the job. There’s definitely a promotion in her future. Excellent work, Courtney. Have you ducked into a mortuary lab to avoid last night’s hook-up? Used a fake ID to file a police report about a mugger to better convince your parents you had your semester’s worth of food money stolen, when you actually spent it on beer? Then you, too, deserve a Thespy. Carry on!

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ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 8 ou

1. Science: Thermochemistry studies the relationship between chemical reactions and what? 2. Music: What Beatles song did Charles Manson famously believe to be an apocalyptic prophecy? 3. Movies: Two movies are tied with 9 nominations in the 2015 Academy Awards. Name one. 4. Months: Which of the following months only has thirty days: March, June, January, August

KIM KELLEY-LAFATA AFFILIATE PROFESSOR

5. Clothing: Mossimo brand clothing is only available from what chain retailer? 6. State Capitals: Columbia is the capital of what US state? 7. Apps: On what social app are you allowed to “peek”? 8. Apes: There are four great apes, gorillas, bonobos, orangutans and what? 9. Math: What is the square root of 400? 10. Word Roots: “fruct-,” as in fructose, originates in Latin, meaning what?

Terrence’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Heat and energy 2. “Helter Skelter” 3. Birdman 4. June 5. Target 6. South Carolina 7. Snap Chat 8. Just plain Apes? 9. 20 10. Fruit or “of fruit”

1. Heat and energy 2. “Helter Skelter” 3. Birdman, The Grand Budapest Hotel 4. June 5. Target 6. South Carolina 7. Yik Yak 8. Chimps 9. 20 10. Fruit or “of fruit”

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

TRAPPED IN THE CLOSET

FROZEN FOOD FAILURE

Everyone can agree tests suck. But sometimes you need to test out how your friends will react in certain situations, you know, “just in case” those situations arise. So tonight, you’re going to pull oﬀ a little drill to see which one of your friends can save you from a locked closet in the basement of a bar. If you win and one of your friends saves you, you know you’ve got a solid group to rely on. If you lose, you might be in there ‘til finals.

It’s freezing dick outside, and the worst part of each year’s winter blast is the depressing weeks where you can’t do anything but stay inside and huddle for warmth like a wounded polar bear cub, dying slowly alongside the hope that its mom will come back to save it – it’s getting pretty dark, right? Don’t run from it, embrace it. Get yourself a microwavable TV dinner and try to make it through this cold, lonely world all on your own.

What You’ll Need: A friend, a cellphone, the curiosity of a cat.

What You’ll Need: A winter coat, a microwave oven, the appetite of a 46-year-old divorced father of three.

Number of Players: Two, just like other trapped-in-a-closet-related activities.

Fatty Factor: “Whatever...”

Level of Intoxication: Enough to get yourself locked in a closet.

Let’s Get Baked: - Take a trip to the store alone and purchase a frozen Italian dinner – “What’s the point anymore?” - Take your tray of frozen pasta and pop it in the microwave – its humming sound is the closest thing you’ve had to a conversation in two weeks. - Take out your frozen pasta, but wait a minute and let the warm air coming out of your appliance hit your face – the most warmth you’ve felt in days. - Put some parmesan cheese on there for extra taste. You’re unique, why can’t anyone see that? - Force it down, even though you didn’t put it in long enough and it’s still a little bit frozen – “I can’t do anything right...”

How to Play: - Start drinking around 6 p.m. for your plans at 11. - Go out and unexpectedly run into some old friends, therefore excitedly drink more. - Begin prematurely taking shots around 8 p.m. before the party at 11 p.m. - Skip that party and go out to a bar, then “attempt” to find the bathroom. - Get yourself locked in a maintenance closet and see which of your friends is a.) drunk enough to try and break you out of it, or b.) sober enough to responsibly get an employee at the bar. -If they get you out, you owe them a drink, which they should chug. -If they can’t get you out, they owe you a drink, which should be placed in a Ziploc bag and slid under the door to you. The Game Ends When: You are saved from the maintenance closet and are once again free to roam the drunken world that is a college campus.

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Just don’t get too down. Before you know it, it’ll be hotter than all hell and you’ll feel the cold water of a swimming pool weaving through your toes – or maybe that’s the delusion setting in right as you take your last breath ‘cause there’s a high chance you’ll freeze to death.

NOMNOMNOM AT THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

A BLACK SHEEP LOVE GUIDE

YOUR QUESTIONS ON VALENTINE’S DAY 2K15: ANSWERED

Once again we’ve reached that point in the year when porcelain cherubs are cute and festive instead of unsettling and weird, and the business at CVS is booming—yes, Valentine’s Day 2015 is upon us. I’ve always enjoyed Valentine’s Day, and more than that I enjoy helping my readers with their Valentine’s Day questions. This is, however, the first Valentine’s Day in years that I will be spending alone, seeing as my longtime girlfriend and the love of my life ended our relationship last week. Sarah, if you’re reading—I’m sorry I said your dog looks like “Larry King but older” and I forgive you for not crying during Boyhood, please return my calls. Okay, so let’s get to your questions! PRODIGY, LOVE AND RELATIONSHIP GENIUS WROTE THIS

Jake wrote: Dear Prodigy, my boyfriend and I have been dating for six months, and this is our first Valentine’s Day together—what’s something special I can do? It’s been a while since I spent Valentine’s Day with someone, so I’m a bit out of practice. Thanks for the help, I hope you and Sarah are doing great! :) Dear Jake, Okay, so you obviously wrote this before Sarah and I broke up, but I appreciate your thoughts (Sarah, look people are rooting for us). Well to answer your question Jake, when it comes to doing something special for Valentine’s Day, you want to come up with something original, so I’m going to save you the trouble of doing that on your own. Something that’s fun is to take your boyfriend to the place where you first met and reenact your first date. This gives you a chance to touch up on all those awkward bits from the first time you spent time with your love. Recently I’ve been reenacting my first date with Sarah in my head time and time again, desperately wanting to get back to that point in time where everything was fresh and new, and possibly correct whatever bad first impressions I may have made. I think about it almost constantly. Thanks for writing!

Steven wrote: Hey Prod, the other day my girlfriend and I got into a pretty bad fight when I called her a “worthless piece of garbage who should get out of my life” and told her that “I hate her with every fiber of my physical and spiritual being.” You know, couples’ stuff! So what I want to know is what can I do this Valentine’s Day to make it up to her? Any advice you can give would be appreciated. Hi Steven, Boy oh boy, that’s a lot, but if you love her enough, and if she has enough self-esteem issues, all you need is that perfect Valentine’s Day before you can get back on track in your verbally abusive relationship. What you should do this February 14th is take your girlfriend somewhere nice, give her a gift that you took the time to make, and keep your insults down to “shut up” or maybe even a tame “whatever.” Relationships are never easy, but if you’re willing to put in the work you’ll be happy with the results! Perfect relationships don’t exist—except for Sarah and I, that was, in fact, perfect. Actually, she was perfect and I would do anything to get her back. I realized that this morning while I was lying facedown in the shower crying and listening to my Weezer CD. Good luck, Steven!

Allen wrote: Hello Prodigy, so I’ve got big news—I’m going to propose to my girlfriend on Valentine’s Day! We’ve been together for three years and are madly in love so it’s time we commit for life. My only question is—how should I do it? It should be memorable and not tacky—do you have any ideas? Allen, Wow, uh, congratulations. Getting married is a big deal, but have you really thought about how long “life” is? It’s a long time. You might get sick of that person, or they might get sick of you and you’ll never know why and you’ll obsess over it every second of every day until it consumes you and then you’re left a hollow husk of a man. Or what if your spouse were ever murdered? Even if you didn’t do it, you know, as the husband, you’re going to jail. If they can’t find anyone else they’re coming after the husband. Are you willing to spend the rest of your life in jail for her if she goes out and gets herself killed? I’m not trying to scare you, Allen, I just really think you need to look at this from every angle. 50% of marriages end in divorce, you know. And the other 50% end in death. I don’t know just put a ring in a slice of cake I don’t really care.

Kaitlin Wrote: Prodigy, I’ve had a bad streak of relationships recently, but I want to believe love is out there. I just get to thinking around this time of year—is love real? And should I even bother? I don’t want to think this way but there’s just something inside of me pulling me towards this pessimism. I just wish I could meet my soulmate. Kaitlin, Love isn’t real, you shouldn’t bother. We all die alone. Sorry.

Anonymous wrote: P, I love my boyfriend but he’s kind of a dick. He thinks he knows so much about relationships and that he has it so together, but in actuality he’s super insecure and scared of his own feelings and so he projects onto others. I don’t know what we’re doing right now, but I’m not sure I can take it much longer, you know? Sarah? I know this is you, Sarah. Why aren’t you answering my phone calls, Facebook messages, emails, or those requests I keep sending you on LinkedIn? Why are you doing this to me? You know what? I don’t need this Sarah. I’m not insecure. Do I seem insecure? Why would you even say that? I can’t take this anymore. I apologized for everything I ever did wrong, even that time I listened to “Another One Bites the Dust” on the way to your grandmother’s funeral. I hope you’re happy with what you’ve done. One day you’ll look back on this and regret making this decision. I was the best thing that ever happened to you. I’m glad you’re out of my life because I’m better off without you. You know what I did yesterday? I finished that puzzle we were working on. It was a puppy cuddling a kitten and it was awesome! See, I don’t need you! I’m sorry Sarah. I didn’t mean that. I’m a wreck without you and I need you back. I didn’t really look at that puzzle I only knew what it was because it was on the box. I’ll do whatever it takes. I’ll stop saying “for all intensive purposes,” whatever you want baby. I can’t take it anymore without you and it’s only been a week. I haven’t left my place in five days and I can’t afford to eat this much delivery. Please come back. Pleasepleasepleasepleaseljfkadsfads.

THE SEEK AND FIND

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THE MADLIB THE MADLIB THE MADLIB

HITTING UP THE GROCERY STORE Spending my first year in a ___1___ apartment is overall exceptionally ___2___, but there’s one thing I’m nervous about; grocery shopping. Usually ___3___ does that for me, picking up my ___4___ ___5___and bags of ___6___-flavored ___7___ patties so you can imagine my ___8___ when I stepped into ___9___. The lights! The bright colors! The uniformity! I was way too ___10___ for that shit. I think that was my biggest mistake. I was all like… ___11___ is in the what section? I have to push this cart with what appears to be ___12___ residue all over it? Can I lick my fingers? No, I shouldn’t. I was overwhelmed and didn’t know where to start. I needed a ___13___ stat. When I saw the wall of candy from across the store I ___14___ my way over there faster than a ___15___ girl swallows… nevermind. I stood in awe of the buckets of ___16___ and ___17___ and ___18___! Like a ___19___ in heat, I dived in ___20___-first into one of those bins of ___21___ and nearly drowned in that sweet, sweet sugar. An employee resembling ___22___ had to yank me out, and a crowd of ___23___ were studying me with intrigue. While I was getting escorted out, I saw one dive into a bucket of ___24___ and got a concussion. Way to be, tho! So, yeah, I didn’t get very far at the grocery store. Looks like it’s ___25___ for the rest of the year!

WORD BANK 1) Popular apartment complex 2) Synonym for good 3) Push-over relative 4) Flavor 5) Breakfast pastry 6) Type of cheese 7) Vegetable 8)Synonym for confused 9) Local grocery store 10) Slang for high 11) Basic vegetable 12) Drug

13) Type of pharmaceutical pill 14) Verb 15) Sorority 16) Gummy candy 17) Type of nut 18) Weird grain 19) Wild animal 20) Body part 21) Favorite candy 22) Old celebrity 23) Foreigners 24) Hard candy 25) Fast food

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