fre e tha ...lik t n e th ic at blo e old box o ck h l ad f ands y do raisin w out n th s . e
Vol. 1, Issue 3
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/17/13 - 10/30/13
Old People Invade
Grand valley state university BY: Claire Fisher With Family Weekend a distant memory, and Homecoming just in the rearview, Grand Valley students might think that we’d be done with the droves of old people wandering across campus. We’re sadly mistaken. Hordes of elderly alumni arrived from various corners of the earth to look at what used to be. Nostalgic for their college days, these senior citizens wreaked havoc during Homecoming, and now in their old age, riddled with dementia, cannot figure out how to get off campus. Without an end in sight, Grand Valley students should prepare themselves for a long winter filled with the wandering, confused, and trapped old folks. Since returning to their “old stomping grounds” these ancient beings have been seen trying to join in the daily debauchery. If an old person shows up to your party, do not let their occasional cuteness fool you, don’t let them drink. Pop culture tells us elderly citizens are on hundreds of medications that shouldn’t be mixed with alcohol. If you give them a beer, there’s a distinct chance that grandma will get drunk and take off her clothes, and unless you enjoy sags and wrinkles, it’s important you keep our elders sober. Finally, and most importantly, a drunk old person is sure to break their seal far before anyone else at your party. Because of their bladder incontinence problems, they’ll end up pissing all over your floor. Worse, should they make it to the john, they’ll hold up the bathroom for the rest of the night, inevitably causing you and your friends to piss your pants with everyone there to watch, videotape, and post on YouTube. If you find yourself at Fresh looking for an apple, but unable to find any, beware. These old timers are notorious for stealing apples to make bongs. An old person on weed is the very last thing you want. They get the munchies, oh, they get the munchies bad. Being that they’re high, they’ll have lost their dentures by this point, and will be stopping students, young people like you, to ask them to chew their food. So again, unless gums and a disintegrating tongue are what you’re into, get the hell out of Dodge.
Finally, for these decrepit sex machines, running into an old college flame is one of the most dangerous and disturbing things that could possibly happen. They’re buying up Viagra by the truckload and pouring it into the river. Avoid drinking the water for a while unless you’re up for an erection lasting more than four hours. If you think you’ve seen your fill of old people walking across campus, it’s nothing compared to the orgy going on all over the bleachers. Not to mention, every twenty minutes there are ambulances arriving to pick up the couples who have broken
hips. The Black Sheep’s stance is clear: avoid the bleachers unless dry vag and erectile dysfunction is what you’re into. The odor of old people is in the air, wafting all over campus and it doesn’t appear to be going away anytime soon. Old age is upon these former Grand Valley students, the confusion has settled in, and they don’t seem able enough to leave. They may look slow and docile, and they are, but those wrinkles and weak bladders will hinder us. Avoid at all costs.
page 4
page 5
pages 12-13
Rapper Turns the Tables on Police
Top 10: Things for Zombies to Do Around Campus
The Black Sheep Interviews: Steve-O
Writes nonsensical “F Da Fire Department.”
For when scaring humans and eating brains gets boring.
We chat with the infamous funny man about nut shots and YouTube.
Keep Up With Us! @TheBlackSheepGV • theblacksheeponline.com
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Rapper Turns the Tables on Police, Writes “F Da Fire Department” By: black sheep staff With his new incendiary hit song, “F Da Fire Department,” rapper Dr. Dray-Bans has come out of retirement and shot to the top of the charts. The Black Sheep sat down with the doctor to get to the bottom of his divisive track. The Black Sheep: Thanks for talking with us, Doctor. First things first. We’ve gotta ask: Why now? Why come out of retirement after 25 years? Dr. Dray-Bans: I’ll tell you why. There’s an abusive government program that’s ruining our way of life. It’s about time that someone stood up to this monster once and for all. TBS: And what is this monster? Obamacare? DDB: Nah, man, it’s the fucking fire department. TBS: Really? Well, your new song has caused quite a bit of controversy. It’s not a very popular belief. Most people
actually love everything about the fire department. DDB: They don’t know shit. TBS: At one point in the song you actually say, “Red devil riding through the town / Spraying poison all around / Tryna keep the doctor down.” This is pretty extreme. Why exactly are you mad at the fire department? DDB: I’m tired of the crap that the fire department gets away with. People always say “fuck da police,” but I’m not about that. I’ve only got beef with the fire brigade. Them and their dumbass hats and shit. TBS: What could you possibly have against the fire department? That’s like hating rainbows or Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. DDB: First of all, they’re always riding around blasting that awful music, waking me up and shit.
TBS: Are you talking about the sirens? DDB: Look man, I don’t know the names of any of those dubstep DJs, I just know that I don’t like it. It’s not even music, it’s just random layers of noise. It sounds like a someone threw a damn baby in a blender. TBS: Well, it’s not music, it’s supposed to be ... nevermind. Is that the only reason for your hatred of firemen? DDB: Hell no. They’re the worst. TBS: Can you elaborate on that at all? DDB: They’re pointless, man. All the do is speed down the street whenever they want and be loud as hell. When I do that I get a ticket and a full body frisk. What’s up with that? TBS: Actually, in the U.S., only about 10 out of a million people die each year from fires and that’s down by 20% from the year 2000. So, they’re remarkably good at preventing and rescuing people from fires.
DDB: But they’re always buttin’ in, you know? If my son starts a fire in the kitchen, there ain’t no need to give the whole house a shower; that’s a teachable moment. Maybe once he breathes in a dangerous amount of smoke, he’ll learn to stop putting silverware in the microwave. I don’t need Uncle Sam telling me how to raise my kids. TBS: It’s not really Uncle Sam; he’s not a real person—just a personification of the government. And really, the fire department isn’t bad...
DDB: And what really pisses me off is that they’re always taking all the best parking spots in front of those little red, tree-stump lookin’ things. Just because they drive a fancy big red van they think they can save themselves a great spot in front of every store. I mean how many fire trucks are there in the world? Why do they get the only spots that are better than the handicap ones? My grandma only got one leg and she gotta walk further than one uh those red dudes. TBS: Yeah, we’re done here.
Wave of Sobriety At Steve Aoki Concert
The
Top
Ten
Things for Zombies to do Around Campus By: Casey Stoddard
Grand Valley, known for its rich diversity, just got a whole lot richer. With Halloween leering around the corner, the campus will soon be invaded with cleavage, regret and most importantly, zombies. The undead trend is alive and hungry for flesh. So, what is a zombie to do once on campus you ask, conveniently placed expositional question? The Black Sheep has compiled a list of activities for our decaying friends, to ensure they get the full Grand Valley experience. 10.) Volunteer as a Cadaver: Caffeine gives students a nice boost in the morning to get them through their 8 a.m. However, seeing a presumed corpse in Padnos get up and walk out of class will keep them awake for weeks. Start off subtle: a curling of the fingers, a twitch of the leg, then go for your Oscar moment: leap onto your feet, exclaim “I love the smell of embalming fluid in the morning.” Then, shuffle up to the prettiest girl in class and ask her if she can “necro-feel the love tonight.” 9.) Bernie Everywhere: The Robot: played out. Twerking: Can’t stop and we won’t stop, but it takes too much energy. All it takes to do the Bernie is a bend of the knees, lean back and let your arms swing freely. Sure, bystanders will say it looks like you’re doing an invisible limbo, but they can use your arms as limbo sticks. Oh wait, no they can’t because your arms will be filled with their girlfriends. 8.) Take Over the Clock Tower and Play Thriller: Hearing the Cook Carillon play the fight song is great, but what better way to announce your arrival than to blast “Thriller” across campus? Don’t worry about the dance moves, just bring up the fact that you have a theme song and human Craig doesn’t and tell his girlfriend, “I’m gonna thrill you.” 7.) Ride Segways: Nothing says “Take me seriously, I’m in a position of power,” quite like the Segways used by the campus police. If it worked for Gob in Arrested Development, it’s guaranteed to work for you. Just roll around campus and be prepared for a parade of women to be running after you.
By: GVSU Staff There’s something about clear thinking that seems attractive to young people. Whether it’s Bangladesh or Birmingham, Morocco or Michigan State, it is fundamentally understood that the youth of our planet respects the importance of its health and security. “There’s nothing like bobbing your head in sober contemplation as waves of orgasmic techno beats inhabit every fiber of your being. That’s why I went to the Steve Aoki concert entirely free of any perspective-altering substances. Any sort’ve psychedelic transcendence achieved through the combination of music and drugs simply isn’t worth it. Why alter my perception into something truly enlightening when I can smile awkwardly at the six-and-a-half-foot guy puking on my shoes?” John, a senior attending classes in the Calder Art Center, helped The Black Sheep understand the true absurdities of intoxication. “I don’t really know that much about drugs. I didn’t even think to bring molly, mushrooms, LSD, mescaline, peyote, cocaine, alcohol, 25i, whipits, MDMA, DMT, or reefer to the concert. I mean, of all the places...” And he’s not the only one to find such intentions confusing. If there’s anything you won’t find in the sweaty dry hump orgy that is the modern rave, it’s drugs. This is a stoic realm, where music is made of use by the introspection which it creates. Self examination, the determining of one’s own fate, the weighing of various emotional and philosophical quandaries; these are the rewards of GVSU’s homecoming concert. Professors can rest easily knowing that students strolled out in orderly fashion only to return to their hardcover copies of Kant and Heidegger. On top of that, survey numbers outside of GVSU confirm that this trend isn’t restricted to Allendale.
According to a recent exit poll at Michigan’s own Electric Forest, 0% of students admitted to police that they’d indulged in any type of intoxicant during the 3 day music festival. As for Steve Aoki, the truth seems abundant. Young people, in their vastly overwhelming intellectual maturity, realize that the only way to process the myriad of colors and sounds inherent in such an experience is through logic. College students have no desire to allow pesky emotions to complicate their lives. Such internal feelings of intuitive understanding are simply irrelevant. For the Laker, it seems intellectual stimulation and a well planned route through academia are all that truly matter. Concerts such as this year’s homecoming serve only as a gateway to further understanding of the self and the universe. Motivation for such an experience as that found in the GVSU Turf Building seems obvious. Though initial impressions may lead the onlooker into believing such events are purely for indulgence, the truth is undeniable. Students far and wide, from philosophy to liberal studies, music to art, humanities to social sciences, everyone seems to be overwhelmingly aware of drugs’ fatal consequences. Some parents may be fearful, operating under the guise that the young people are wasting their energy charged golden age on the bitter numbness which will constitute the rest of their lives, but the youth have spoken. They’re far more invested in their future than in the expansion of extremes offered to them by the intensely satisfying western drug culture. It seems the combination of bright colors, loud music, and altered states of consciousness will simply never come to be. Lakers are simply too focused to allow such distractions to inhibit their professional progress. Surely we can all be thankful for living in such an empathetically understanding world.
6.) Visit the Homeless Behind the New Seidman Building: The new Seidman Building on the downtown campus is up and the homeless are making their rounds. Make friends; teach them how to look sympathetic. Help the homeless get some food and wingman the shit out of them. 5.) Pay your Respects to Jesus, The Originator, at The Cook DeWitt Building: Jesus is the Michael Jordan of zombies. Dude built it and people came, everywhere. Don’t forget the pioneers who came before. Stop by The Cook DeWitt Building and pour one out for the OG. 4.) Try to Get Past Julia at Kleiner: Julia is the sheriff, the final boss you must defeat in order to conquer the campus. She is currently undefeated when it comes to checking student IDs and making sure no one is abusing the system to get food, but little does she know, this time around, she is the food. If you can wrestle her title away, you will be a campus legend and the story of how you dethroned Julia will be the second most popular story retold about you. The first, obviously, will be about all the women you had.
3.) Infect Louie The Laker: Being a Laker is great, but being an undead Laker would be even better. Grand Valley needs a mascot that will strike fear in its opponents and will cause their women to jump ship. 2.) Enter a Costume Contest: So long as getting dressed up for Halloween is a thing, women will forever dominate costume contests. That’s fine, that’s the way God intended it to be. You won’t win sexiest, but you’re guaranteed to win most realistic costume. 1.) Make Sure Everyone Wakes up the Next Morning Feeling Like They’re Actually a Zombie: Like all our moms have said before, “Be safe, but don’t be a pussy,” or something like that. It’s Halloween, the last big celebration before finals. Make it a memorable night that’s a little difficult to remember.
05
Around campus Tweet your pictures using #GVPartyPics to @Theblacksheepgv
on the Streets If you were sent back to 1700, what modernday item would you bring with you? r Jamal, Junio
“An airplane.”
r Eerin, Junio
“My Buick.”
, Seniors Max and Tim
“Electric guitars.”
06
He knows the cheapest drinks in town and more drinking games than you could ever play.
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Prices and product subject to change without notice. Not responsible for any typos, errors etc. See store for details. THESE OFFERS CANNOT BE COMBINED WITH ANY OTHER OFFERS, PROMOTIONS OR DISCOUNTS. SURGEON GENERAL WARNING: Tobacco use increases the risk of infertility, stillbirth & low birth weight. Cigars are not a safe alternative to cigarettes. Smokeless Tobacco can cause mouth cancer, gum disease and tooth loss. Smokeless Tobacco is not a safe alternative to cigarettes. Smokeless tobacco is addictive. Electronic cigarettes are not a smoking cessation product and have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration, nor are they intended to treat, prevent or cure any disease or condition.
Bartender of the Week Relationship Status: In a relationship Favorite Drink: Perin Grapefruit IPA Favorite Shot: Scooby Snacks: Melon and banana liquor, Malibu, pineapple and cream Disgusting Drink: Rumple Minze: Straight-up peppermint schnapps What is the first Halloween costume you remember wearing as a child?: Minnie Mouse What do you think will be this year’s overdone costume?: Miley Cyrus
Stacia of Ritz Koney Drinking Game
What’s the most offensive costume you’ve ever seen?: I saw a guy dressed as the KKK at a party once. Most overrated Halloween candy?: Candy corn, definitely. What will you name your bestselling memoir?: Kinda Funny, but True Where are you hiding the evidence?: In the dumpsters behind McFadden’s Who would you invite to your threesome with Jeff Goldbloom?: Vince Vaughn... always. Why should people read The Black Sheep?: So you can learn to drink with the big kids!
Recipe for disaster
Bottle Bobbing
Fall French Toast
Halloween parties when you were a little kid were the best—all the candy and goodie bags and sweet zombie costumes. You can still host your own while in college, but don’t expect people to be entertained for hours with the Mummy Wrap Race and Pin the Stem on the Pumpkin. Here’s a twist on the typical bobbing for apples challenge.
The one thing that every kid misses about home is having meals prepared for them. We’re talking good meals, not some dining hall dinner surprise. Here’s our recipe for pumpkin french toast that you can let cook overnight so it feels like Mom’s slaving away in the kitchen when you wake up.
What You’ll Need: A large bucket, blindfolds, a small bowl, strips of paper and 20-30 mini bottles of alcohol Number of Players: As many as you want! Level of Intoxication: You’ll get a good buzz going.
What You’ll Need: Crockpot, loaf of bread, 15 oz. can of pumpkin puree, 6 eggs, 1 cup of milk, 1/2 cup of brown sugar, 2 teaspoons cinnamon and 2 teaspoons vanilla extract. Cook Time: 6-8 hours Fatty Factor: If you throw up a lot the night before, it won’t matter.
How to Play: - Get a giant tub, like a Rubbermaid container or a keg bucket, and fill it with water. - Lay down some towels in your living room or on your patio and put the bucket down. - Dump all of your mini alcohol bottles into the tub. - Decide who’s going first and have them put a blindfold on. They have to dip their head into the bucket, grab a bottle with their mouth and bring it back up. - Fill a small bowl with 10 strips of paper, 5 marked “trick” and 5 marked “treat.” - After someone bobs for a bottle, have them pull a piece of paper from the bowl. If it says “treat,” they keep the bottle for themselves. If the paper says “trick,” they give the bottle to someone else for them to drink. Put the paper strip back into the bowl. - Make sure the person drinks his or her bottle before moving onto the next person. - Go until everyone has had a turn, stopping after each person to pull a sheet of paper, distribute the bottle and drink.
Let’s Get Baked: - Dice up your loaf of bread into small cubes and place ‘em inside the crockpot. - In another bowl, mix together the remaining ingredients. - Pour the mixture over the bread in the crockpot, making sure the bread is well-coated. - Let the French toast cook in the covered crockpot overnight on low heat. - Before eating it, take the lid off of the crockpot for about 30 minutes if it looks too moist. - Scoop out your portion and add any toppings you want, like whipped cream, syrup, etc.
The Game Ends When: All the bottles are gone! Or just go back to the liquor store and get some more. They’re only like $2 anyway…
“HEY MOM! The French toast! We want it now!”
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The Black Sheep Interviews
Steve-O
“I don’t know that one guy stands out when it comes to nut shots.”
By: Tim Mackey The Black Sheep recently caught up with Steve-O on his national standup tour. Channeling our eighth-grade selves jumping off garages and lighting tennis balls on fire, we asked him every question we could possibly think of while holding back the strange urge to have him smash something over our crotch. He’s reinvigorated and risen from the ashes, so make sure to check out his new Youtube channel and follow him on Twitter, @SteveO.
The Black Sheep: How’d you originally end up working with the guys from Jackass? Steve-O: There was a skateboarding magazine back in the day called Big Brother, which was little more than a bad influence on kids. I loved it; it was really just the greatest magazine ever. I was in the magazine and the videos. The guy in charge of the operation reached out to Spike Jonze at one point and said “Hey man, everybody loves our videos, but no one cares about the skateboarding. I think if we subtract all of the skateboarding then what’s leftover would be a great TV show.” And when you took out the skateboarding, what you had left was me and Knoxville, and Wee Man, and Chris Pontius — and Bam was making a similar kind of video on the east coast — so we kinda merged camps, the Big Brother guys and the CKY guys and that was sort of how we all came together. TBS: For Jackass 3D you were completely sober. Is there a stunt from the past that you couldn’t have done sober? S: I should say I don’t know if I ever did stunts because I was wasted. I think I’ve always done stunts because I’m an attention whore. Getting sober hasn’t really changed that at all. But there was some particularly reckless stuff, one that comes to mind was being strangled unconscious six times in a row. TBS: By who? S: Ryan Dunn did that. We were on tour in England back in 2003, and Ryan Dunn choked me out six times in a row. Yeah, it was all on camera if you just go on Youtube and type “Steve-O Chokes” you can find it. Another one was on a three-day bender when I jumped out of an airplane with no parachute into the ocean. That one wasn’t so easy.
TBS: How do you feel about having popularized the national phenomenon of butt-chugging? S: Oh man, that is… I am incredibly honored for that. It’s incredible. Knoxville sent me this video about a press conference. There were some college frat kids butt-chugging and there was some kind of outrage about it. It was the funniest fucking thing ever. I think they even called it “buttchugging,” I’m pretty sure I coined that term itself. TBS: You’re known as one of the guys who does the most intense stunts, but which member of the Jackass crew grew the most in their willingness to do horrible things to their body over time? S: I don’t know, man. We all seem to have our different strengths, it’s kind of a “apples and oranges” question. Whenever no one is willing to do something at all, then the idea trickles down to Danger Ehren. He would be at the top of the pile when it comes to willingness, that’s kinda due to his exceptionally low IQ. TBS: In Wildboyz you got a hotdog whipped from your butt with a bull whip and got your ass stung multiple times by an African emperor scorpion, with that in mind, what is the most painful stunt you’ve done? S: Oh god, I hate that question. It’s all just so subjective, man. Pain just has different criteria, the duration of the pain is an issue. While electrocution hurts more than other stuff, it’s quicker. I hate that question.
TBS: Which Jackass team member is most willing to take blows to the nuts? S: I don’t know that any of us are really psyched about it… We each have our own separate strengths when it comes to doing stupid things. But I don’t know that one guy stands out when it comes to nut shots. TBS: Is there anyone that won’t ever do them? S: No, we all do them, but we have considerable… I don’t want to say reluctance because we all do it. I mean we all do it, but we dread it.
TBS: Looking at Johnny Knoxville, he seems to have aged more in the last 10 years than most people age in 30. How do you think you’ve managed to stay young-looking? S: (Laughs) Wow, I’ll take that as a compliment. I feel like I’ve aged pretty heavily as well, but if I guess if I were to agree with you then I’d have to blame that on healthy living. I quit smoking cigarettes and stopped doing drugs and drinking alcohol and I became a vegan. I exercise and stuff, surfing’s a big one. TBS: How many years until Johnny looks like Irving Zisman? S: I don’t know man, (laughs) I don’t know.
something to do? S: I, uh, Dancing with the Stars I really did enjoy a lot, Killer Karaoke had its moments. I, uh… but yeah neither of those two were my favorite. TBS: Either in your career or not, what was the best moment in your life so far? S: I’m so jazzed about my new Youtube channel. I would say that the Youtube channel is the exact opposite of Dancing with the Stars and Killer Karaoke. I get to do what I think is fucking awesome and it’s such a treat and a joy. TBS: How long did it take you to heal from the mighty fist of Mike Tyson? S: Eh, pretty quick. I had two black eyes for a while there. I didn’t notice how long it took my nose to heal because this weird kung fu instructor guy set it straight right after it happened. I’d say like three weeks I was in pretty good shape.
TBS: A lot of the guys, if they were afraid of snakes or spiders, then that’s the stunt they would do. What was your ‘phobia’? S: I hate roller coasters, which is why I was the perfect candidate for the poo potty. I mean I hate snakes too, I really do, but uh I don’t know if... Yeah like that one thing, I mean certainly rollercoasters are a big thing.
TBS: Did you like being on Dancing with the Stars and hosting Killer Karaoke? Or was it just
TBS: I’m telling readers to subscribe immediately to your blog because it’s honestly awesome. What can they expect to see you do on it in the future? S: I don’t know, I don’t want to give up any ideas, but I’m finishing up a lie detector bit. I don’t even know how it’s gonna come out. I got Knoxville to come up a list of hilarious and uncomfortable questions for me to answer while attached to a lie detector test. I don’t know what the questions are, but I imagine they’re gonna be pretty fucking terrible. TBS: What can people expect to see on your tour this year? S: It’s filthy comedy and silly physical tricks. I think what makes my comedy unique and worthwhile is A: I’m absolutely shameless. And B: I’m rigorously honest. So if I tell a story you can damn well believe that it happened. And just judging by how shameless I am you can expect the stories to be incredibly juicy and revealing. You know I’ve been doing stand up for a long time and I’m really finding my voice and that’s exciting. People are really coming out and enjoying the show and that means a lot to me.
TBS: Is it that falling feeling? S: It’s more like not being in control, like I can jump off of shit pretty easily. It’s like with bungee jumping when I’m looking off a bridge, I spent my life kinda jumping off of stuff so much, so I know heights pretty well. I don’t care what’s tied to me, when I look off something that’s 300 feet high, I usually know not to jump so it’s hard to get past that instinct. I mean I had no problem jumping off the tower of London, which is like the tallest thing I’ve ever jumped off of. TBS: You’ve been sober now for five and a half years, no drugs, no alcohol, nothing. So what’s you’re favorite drug to not do? S: I mean… I don’t know how to answer that. I uh… I mean the reality is that if I pick up any drink or drug in short order I’ll be on everything again. I have no delusions about that. I love the saying you know “the alcohol bones connected to the weed bone, the weed bone’s connected to the cocaine bone” and so on…
TBS: You got a tattoo in January of Santa Claus crucified on your arm. Do you have a favorite tattoo? S: I like ShitFuck on my knuckles. I really do. Really because I’m quite proud of having carved out a place in my life that having profanities tattooed on my knuckles doesn’t hold me back. I’ve had ‘em… It’s been about exactly 10 years since I got ShitFuck tattooed on my hands.
TBS: Your giant back tattoo, what was the situation where that was done? Did you wake up and it was there or what? S: We were preparing to shoot the first Jackass movie and Jeff Tremaine said “Hey, don’t waste our time with any half-assed ideas because now this isn’t a TV show anymore, it’s a movie.” And I kinda took offense to the notion that I would suggest any half-assed ideas. So my immediate response to him was “Oh yeah, how about if I get me tattooed on me, larger than me?” My face on my back is way bigger than my face.
TBS: Anything else we should know? S: At the end of every one of my shows, when I walk off stage I never do anything or go anywhere until I take a photo with anyone who wants one, and lots of times people have things they want to ask me or show me. And everybody gets a chance to do that. I stick around until the bitter end, ‘til everyone who wants one gets a photo. I don’t really know of anybody who does that. And it proves to me to be a lot harder of a job to do that than the show itself. I stay committed to that though, because I want to make it a special experience for the fans who are committed to that. Make sure to read the extended interview online at theblacksheeponline.com!
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