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Vol. 1, Issue 3
The Black Sheep The College Newspaper That's Actually About College
10/17/13 - 10/30/13
Old People Invade
Grand valley state university BY: Claire Fisher With Family Weekend a distant memory, and Homecoming just in the rearview, Grand Valley students might think that we’d be done with the droves of old people wandering across campus. We’re sadly mistaken. Hordes of elderly alumni arrived from various corners of the earth to look at what used to be. Nostalgic for their college days, these senior citizens wreaked havoc during Homecoming, and now in their old age, riddled with dementia, cannot figure out how to get off campus. Without an end in sight, Grand Valley students should prepare themselves for a long winter filled with the wandering, confused, and trapped old folks. Since returning to their “old stomping grounds” these ancient beings have been seen trying to join in the daily debauchery. If an old person shows up to your party, do not let their occasional cuteness fool you, don’t let them drink. Pop culture tells us elderly citizens are on hundreds of medications that shouldn’t be mixed with alcohol. If you give them a beer, there’s a distinct chance that grandma will get drunk and take off her clothes, and unless you enjoy sags and wrinkles, it’s important you keep our elders sober. Finally, and most importantly, a drunk old person is sure to break their seal far before anyone else at your party. Because of their bladder incontinence problems, they’ll end up pissing all over your floor. Worse, should they make it to the john, they’ll hold up the bathroom for the rest of the night, inevitably causing you and your friends to piss your pants with everyone there to watch, videotape, and post on YouTube. If you find yourself at Fresh looking for an apple, but unable to find any, beware. These old timers are notorious for stealing apples to make bongs. An old person on weed is the very last thing you want. They get the munchies, oh, they get the munchies bad. Being that they’re high, they’ll have lost their dentures by this point, and will be stopping students, young people like you, to ask them to chew their food. So again, unless gums and a disintegrating tongue are what you’re into, get the hell out of Dodge.
Finally, for these decrepit sex machines, running into an old college flame is one of the most dangerous and disturbing things that could possibly happen. They’re buying up Viagra by the truckload and pouring it into the river. Avoid drinking the water for a while unless you’re up for an erection lasting more than four hours. If you think you’ve seen your fill of old people walking across campus, it’s nothing compared to the orgy going on all over the bleachers. Not to mention, every twenty minutes there are ambulances arriving to pick up the couples who have broken
hips. The Black Sheep’s stance is clear: avoid the bleachers unless dry vag and erectile dysfunction is what you’re into. The odor of old people is in the air, wafting all over campus and it doesn’t appear to be going away anytime soon. Old age is upon these former Grand Valley students, the confusion has settled in, and they don’t seem able enough to leave. They may look slow and docile, and they are, but those wrinkles and weak bladders will hinder us. Avoid at all costs.
page 4
page 5
pages 12-13
Rapper Turns the Tables on Police
Top 10: Things for Zombies to Do Around Campus
The Black Sheep Interviews: Steve-O
Writes nonsensical “F Da Fire Department.”
For when scaring humans and eating brains gets boring.
We chat with the infamous funny man about nut shots and YouTube.
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