GVSU Spring Issue 4 by The Black Sheep

The Black Sheep

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Volume 4

The College Newspaper That's Actually About College

Issue 4

Where Did All the Broccoli Cheese Soup Go?: An Exposé Julie Nichols wrote this

For the 10th day in a row, the delicious broccoli cheese soup has been missing from every dining hall. Panic has started to set in as students wonder if the soup will ever return to the rotations of soup served at The Connection or Fresh Food Co. “What’s really terrifying is that BCS can’t even be found at River Landing in Kirkhof which has been served every day since August 24, 2011,” junior Geoff Pietro told The Black Sheep. Pietro, an avid soup lover and food activist, recently formed a task force on campus in hopes of finding out where all the soup went. For students like himself, BCS is an oasis in a desert full of sickening campus food; a hot, creamy, and cheesy oasis. “Let’s get something straight. We don’t just want BCS, we need BCS,” Pietro said. “Last week Fresh served stale raisin bran muffins, green peppers filled with barley, and French onion soup on a plate. A plate! How much more must we endure without BCS?” With so much on the line, the BCS taskforce has yet to come up with any substantial leads. Unfortunately, Grand Valley’s campus dining doesn’t seem to be taking the issue seriously and refuses to talk about the lack of broccoli cheese soup. “They must think we’re too stupid to notice its absence,” said Pietro. “I heard from a reliable source that there was a cheese shortage, but we know better and we will not be silenced! Justice will prevail.”

else at this school,” Haas told The Black Sheep after we caught him hauling the delicious goo to his office. “After my Presidents’ Ball, I go into deep hibernation until after spring break. I ate all the BCS we had on campus to prepare for my long slumber.”

The Black Sheep decided to do some investigating and get to the bottom of this tasty crime. After a few Google searches and some inappropriate flirting with older secretaries, we found that there’s no shortage of BCS at GVSU. Surveillance camera footage that an old secretary stole from the campus security has shown that T. Haas has been hoarding the soup all for himself.

He proceeded to shovel cheesy-broccoli goodness into his mouth with a giant ladle.

“I love broccoli cheese soup as much as, if not more than, anyone

“I guess I just didn’t realize how much students cared about their broccoli cheese soup,” Haas continued, “but, did people really think I would eat the other garbage that’s served on our campus? Bitch, please.” Haas went on to say that the broccoli cheese soup would make a return sometime before his hibernation ends.

We told Pietro the good news, but he wasn’t satisfied. “Don’t think this means the task force will be dismantled,” Pietro said. “We won’t settle for soon enough and we won’t wait for Haas to finish hibernating. For now, we’ve got two men on monitoring the larger containers of soup on campus while the rest of us try to find a way to take down Jump Asian Cuisine in Fuel. I can’t just stand by and watch people get poisoned by eating literal trash anymore. It’s time to take action.” BCS is the shining light in the crap pool that is our campus dining. Truly, BCS was there for this campus when the rest of the world turned its back. The day it returns will be a happy one for everyone on campus who still has a meal plan.

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PAGES 12-13

TOP 10: WAYS TO SPEND YOUR SPRING BREAK ALONE

THE ABCS OF COLLEGE: I - L EDITION

LAST MINUTE SPRING BREAK PLANNING

WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, GO AROUND TOWN PETTING DOGS.

FROM GETTING IN WITH THE COOL CROWD TO LIVING IN ALLENDALE, WE COVER IT ALL.

OUR FANCY FLOW CHART WILL HELP YOU DECIDE BETWEEN PCB, BORA BORA, OR STAYING AT SCHOOL.

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MEET THE STAFF CAMPUS MANAGER Claire Fisher

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STREET TEAM MANAGER Jes Hamlin

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WRITERS Logan Bailey | Abigail Dewstow Dylan Hancook |Julie Nichols Jeff Perry | Shardae Rudel Alison Tazelaar | Teresa Williams

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Welcome to Page Three! You are about to have more fun than a freshman at a frat party. Tweet us your answers, or send them to page3@theblacksheeponline.com. If you’re right, you’ll win a prize!

PAGE THREE THE BLACK SHEEP’S LEGENDARY

WORD OF THE WEEK

80s CARTOON CHARACTER PORN STAR NAME?

HOECHART The mental guide men use to decide which booty call they want to text tonight.

ROBIN PLUNDER

Well, according to my hoechart, Cassie should be free to bone tonight. But Alexandria is way freakier, so maybe I should text her instead.

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HELP ME!

Accepting Your Career Fair Fate Dylan Hancook wrote this

The annual GVSU career fair is just around the corner and students are preparing their resumes, strengthening their handshakes, and practicing their fake smiles for a chance at an internship for a company that would much rather hire a monkey on rollerblades. The following are truths and a little advice to avoid a downward spiral of self-pity while attending the good ol’ career fair. Your resume sucks: Freshman year. Sophomore year. Junior year! Senior year!! Aaaand your resume is still shit. Sadly, this is when you realize that you have less distinction than an old Asian woman looking for work in a coal mine and you can fit your entire curriculum vitae on a café napkin. You listened when everyone told you that community service looks good on a resume, but you forgot to listen when they said that mowing your neighbor’s lawn and holding the door open for strangers doesn’t count. At this point, you’ll regret not joining Student Government your freshman year instead of spending eight drunken semesters as a part of Alpha Beta Blah Blah. So increase that font size, shrink those margins, and maybe include your max bench press because your resume sucks. Fake it ‘til you make it: All hope is not lost; wear your suit or dress with the least amount of stains, use big words to describe

your imaginary work ethic, and label your previous unskilled jobs in fancy ways. For instance, instead of saying you washed dishes all summer say you were a gastronomical hygiene technician, and you didn’t babysit, you were a freelance arbiter and human relations controller. Don’t forget, first impressions are vital, so your best strategy at this point is to stumble past the introduction into a follow-up interview by telling them non-existent personal goals and impressing anecdotes from some of your more motivated friends’ lives. Advanced acting courses recommended. Incompetence is your strong suit: Unfortunately, like an armless juggler or a deaf 911 operator, you seem to fall short of the basic requirements. They’ll say they’re looking for people with at least two years of professional work experience when the only thing you have two years of experience in is making coffee at 1 a.m. And even then you’re a mediocre brewer. Future employers may even ask the crème de la crème of open-ended interview questions: What makes you right for this job? How can you benefit our company? Tell us about yourself? If you want a fighting chance you must avoid specific examples at all costs. Generalizing your strengths in bold ways is the way to go.

You’re wasting your time: About 30 minutes and a dozen of awkward interactions later, you’ll realize the only thing you’re getting out of this job fair is all the free pens, buttons, and environmentally-friendly water bottles you can fit in your unqualified hands. You’ll come to grips with your lack of self-worth and feel life hit you harder than a blind kid during bumper cars. Maybe this whole “having a career” act or “using your degree” thing isn’t for you and your expertise could be applied to something more in your skillset such as managing a fantasy football team. It’s like that depressing piece of existential

wisdom someone said once: “Sooner or later, everyone isn’t good enough.” Hey whaddya know! That time is now… So if you forgot your struggle car, or struggle bike go ahead and catch a ride on the next struggle bus and ride it all the way home, to your parents’ house, to tell them you’re moving back in, indefinitely, because the career fair was a total bust.

YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED (VOL. 2) Rachel McLaughlin wrote this

We’re back with another installment on Your Questions Answered. You have questions, we have answers. How very convenient. “Where’s the best place at GV to hide dead bodies?” The obvious answer is to dump your dead guy over the side of Little Mac and let him tumble into the ravines, but that’s what everyone’s doing and you need to be a little different. What about the forest behind Calder? If you’re super hardcore (which we know you are), take a hacksaw to your stiff and load him into the cannons on the football field ready to launch some fireworks when GV scores a touchdown. Good luck pinning that murder on someone, GVPD.

taking a sip and then leaving your bottle or cup somewhere and fibbing that you drank it all gosh dang it. Or you can just put on your best fake ‘stache and claim you’re “too fancy for this poor people pisswater.” Done. “How do I spice up my sex life?” Paprika. NEXT. “Why is there air?” ‘K, so there’s this thing called “nitrogen” and it mixes with oxygen and some other space-gas to form air. Air’s pretty spiffy in terms of allowing us to live, so that’s nice. If you’re complaining about the air, we can take it away from you, though. All you have to do is ask…

“Can I call my mom after?” Why, what are you going to tell her? I DID IT WITH NO HANDS, MA! And then she’ll ignore you and ask when you’re coming home and ask if you’re “being safe” in such a manner that even your dad is mumbling “Jesus Christ, Helen” under his breath. If you’re prepared for a 12-minute lecture about “how no one is going to love you if you don’t love yourself” then sure, give her a call.

“How young is too young?” If your age is on the clock, you’re too young for the cock. Also something about the age of consent in your state blah blah law enforcement check with your local politicians save money on car insurance by switching to Geico. That being said, you can rent a car when you’re 25 and adopt a cat at 18 so let’s say anything below that is too young for fun.

“Where can you get Coke on campus?” Are we talking snorting or slurping, here? Either way, there’s probably someone at Laker Village with a stash under his twin-sized bunk mattress or in his mini fridge so the other roomies can’t get at it. (Apartment D23, go go go go!)

“How old is Steve Buscemi?” The Internet says 57, which is somehow both older and younger than we expected. In other news, you should Google image search his brother. We did and let’s just say there are a lot of celebrity pictures there that aren’t him (and at least three of Michael Cera for some reason).

“How do you pretend to like beer?” This one’s tough because beer is an…acquired taste. There’s really no way around it besides

Have a question you want answered? Head over to ask.fm/TheBlackSheepGV

HI THERE

THE TOP TEN WAYS TO SPEND YOUR SPRING BREAK ALONE Spring break 2015 is only a few weeks away, and The Black Sheep knows most of you will be spending it alone. Here are just a few suggestions of how to spend those 168 hours of freedom by yourself.

Student Funds Study Abroad Trip Through Kickstarter Shardae Rudel wrote this

Kickstarter, an online community fundraising website best known for funding the reboot of Reading Rainbow, has helped sophomore Clarence Fishman fund his fall 2015 study abroad trip to Europe. “I was originally just going to get a job at Meijer or something,” Fishman said. “You know, save up money the old-fashioned way, just like gramps said. But, like, work is so bleh, ya know? Plus, I have anger management issues, so customer service isn’t really my forte.” Fishman told us about his journey on the road to using Kickstarter, “I was just searching for easy ways to make cash. I found Kickstarter after I got done procrastinating on PornHub for like, I dunno, six hours or something,” he said. “There were people on there getting money for the weirdest shit. I mean, the world’s largest jockstrap got funded, so I figured why not try to guilt-trip people into giving me cash for something actually worthwhile?” The project began last month after Fishman set up the page, titled “Get Me the Fuck to Amsterdam” with a goal of $3,300. “Getting my family on board was easy,” Fishman admitted, “I just put in a story about how I needed to ‘broaden my world education’ in the description box and they practically threw cash at me. I’m not talking the $40 or $50 I’d get from Christmas or my birthday. I’m talking two zeroes. Hundreds, baby. My broke friends were a bit harder to convince.”

The way to their wallets, it turned out, was bribery. Since he was funding a trip, Fishman struggled with the mandatory compensation packages Kickstarter requires for backing donors. Not knowing what to give his backers, and too strapped for cash to offer anything of value, he almost gave up. “In the end, I decided to go with the classic Amsterdam treat and promised them a lot of, uh, souvenirs,” Fishman explained. The packages ranged from postcards and trinkets to a “super-secret souvenir of questionable value.” After three weeks every single prize package was claimed and the trip for the fall is a go. Fishman admits that he’s still surprised it was so easy to get the money. Others who have tried the method in the past are in shock. “I tried to use GoFundMe to help get extra cash for my trip to Scotland last year,” senior Harriet Updike said. “I only got 200 bucks out of the $1,000 I needed. No one gave a shit about Scottish trinkets or authentic scotch whiskey. It was a total disappointment!” Updike opted to instead use loans to secure her placement in the program. She dropped out of GV after she returned last fall and now has a job at Tim Horton’s to pay off her debts. The question on everyone’s lips is “What made Fishman’s attempt succeed?” “I’m using Kickstarter to sell drugs.” Fishman said. “People love drugs. Is that really that hard to understand?” Fishman leaves for Amsterdam next fall, where he plans to take 9 gen-ed credits while sampling the country’s finest delicacies and being tracked by the DEA.

10.) Learn a martial art: Cruise Youtube for some grainy videos of some dude doing off-centered whirlwind kicks in his basement. Attempt to do so in your own room without moving any of the furniture. Break your foot in the process. Have an interesting spring break story to tell. 9.) Sharpen your Photoshop skills: After obtaining Photoshop in the most legal way imaginable, you could work on getting better. Just basic stuff you know—learning how to use the layers, how to duplicate backgrounds, etc. Get good enough, and you can create some convincing photos of you actually doing cool beach stuff over break. 8.) Write an entire novel: You’ve got a whole week without any school obligations. Why not give writing a novel a shot? Ernest Hemingway was able to do it, and he didn’t do much more than drink and hate women. Just don’t sleep. Literally dump an entire can of Red Bull into your coffee every few hours and just do it. 7.) Chill at GVSU: Nothing says vacation more than spending your week lounging around GV. Pretty much everyone else will be gone and doing cool shit, so you’ll have the campus entirely to yourself. Do some parkour or something equally dangerous and fun. Or sit. Sitting’s great too. 6.) See what “after-college” life will be like: An embarrassing portion of those who manage to finish college are going to end up back at their parents’. Try using this break as a week-long trial period of what that’s going to feel like. Flop yourself down on the couch and become the potato you were born to be. 5.) Pet dogs: There are so many dogs in this world and, chances are, you haven’t pet all of them. Why not use your vacation time to catch up on that? Start with your dog. Then pet every dog in your neighborhood. Each dog in your city. Each dog in the state. Don’t stop. You’re the chosen one. 4.) Dick around on social media sites: Let’s be honest, okay? This is what you’re going to be doing all break long. You’re going to stare longingly at your computer screen while your friends post photos of Florida, and you’re going to be bitter about it by posting passive-aggressive comments: “Sorry I couldn’t make it on your trip with you because I wasn’t invited.” 3.) Read for fun: Okay, it sounds like a myth—“reading for fun”—but what if you gave it a shot? You have an ever-growing list of books you occasionally stare at. Get yourself out of “scholarly journal” mode and shift into “clichéd YA lit” mode. Twilight was pretty ok. Kinda. A little. We guess. 2.) Stay caught up on homework: Ha. Ha. Ha. No. 1.) Start planning for spring break 2016: Next year will definitely be the year you save up enough money to actually do something fun. You should get a head start—this way you’ll be fully prepared. Start looking through travel websites. Compare airlines. Harass your friends by asking if they’d like to come along. Priceline Negotiator will be #1 on speed dial. Teresa Williams wrote this

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“WHAT’S THE WORST WAY YOU’VE SPENT (AT LEAST) $100?”

JENNA, SENIOR “Groceries!”

STEPHEN, SENIOR “A lap dance, obviously.”

STEVEN, SENIOR “96 McDoubles.”

PRO TIPS

Alison Tazelaar wrote this

Last issue we covered E-H of the ABCs of college and this week we’re starting at “I” which, shockingly, doesn’t stand for ice cream. But…but it should stand for ice cream. How to be In With the Cool Crowd: Do you ever feel like you aren’t cool enough? You probably aren’t. Want to be cooler? We figured we’d hand down some of our best tricks to stay cool. According to some, it’s doing the weed that gives them their cool factor. Others attributed making the sex to their success. However, we suggest creating a believable double life. Miley wasn’t cool, but Hannah Montana sure was! That way, when being cool becomes too much work you can just go back to your double-chin life, using your cleavage as a bowl for crackers. How to Get a Job: Jobs are super important during your young adult years. They offer experience, you get paid for your work, and you can even make friends. If you don’t already have a job, you should get one. Apply everywhere. Not just the places you want to work, literally everywhere. Make yourself a nuisance, or they won’t notice you. Apply and then call to see how the application process is going. Daily. Ask them about their mother, or how their dog is; show you really care. When they ask how you know they have a dog, hang up. The point is, you’re going to be there when they need you. How to Kill Time: Killing time is super important if you have a boring desk job. Make up games for yourself like how long can you sit in the bathroom without somebody noticing. Build really cool statues out of office supplies, take walks and chat up that nosy dude with the corner cubicle. After work you should do homework, right? Wrong. Go to the library, and be as distracting as possible to everyone around you. Put your headphones in your ears, but don’t plug them into your laptop. Talk on your cellphone and eat food loudly. When you go home, find a movie series you’ve been dying to watch. Anything but productivity. How to Live in Allendale: This is a doozy. Allendale is the most boring place on Earth (you can tell by the cows-to-people ratio) so you need to know how to work the system if you’re going to subject yourself to living here. Have all the delivery places on speed dial. You should also have the activity

schedules of nearby bars memorized, make a calendar if you need because drinking is what people do for fun here - not that there’s anything better to do, really... Gotta make space for the important stuff. It also helps if you become buddies with someone who has a car. They can take you grocery shopping half an hour away at Meijer, drive you 30 minutes to the mall, or as far away from Allendale as possible. It helps to have cool friends that also live in Allendale (see letter “I”); having a support group for living in the shittiest college town has some perks. Maybe you can divide and conquer, one of you memorizes the bar events, one of you has the getaway car, and the last comes up with fun activities. As long as someone can buy the alcohol, all will be well. And there you have it, the I-L advice of college life. We hoped you learned something, Lakers. And if not, well then read it again.

PAGE 7 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

The ABCs of College: I-L Edition

, Y R C , H G U A L IT, WHAT?)

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THE BAR GRID 21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Industry Special All Day Sunday - Thursday 33% off Drinks for Restaurant/Bar Employees

FRIDAY! $3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger & a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. $3 Beer Geek craft beer specials

College Night DJ Dickair & Jenny Disko 50% Off Drinks Open-12 Because Thursday ends at Midnight...

$4 Microbrews Boneless Chicken Dinger Platter

Friday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer

Live Entertainment

$3 Captain & $3 Smirnoff

Saturday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Live Entertainment

$2 Domestic Pints Noon-6 $5 Bulldozers and $3 Long Islands

Sunday

11am - 3pm: Brunch and Bloody Mary Bar featuring House Infused Spirits

Industry Special Everyday! 12-2pm: 25% off tab for restaurant/bar industry employees

Sunday Funday $3 Flavored Vodka, $2 Wells $2 Domestics Various Live Entertainment

$3.99 Bloody Marys 9-Midnight

Monday

Mug Club Night! Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers and Handhelds for Mug Clubber Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Michigan Monday, $3 select Michigan drafts

Closed, but don’t miss... Industry Specials All Day Sunday, Tuesday - Thursday 33% off Drinks for Restaurant/Bar Employees

$3.99 Margaritas Fried Pickle Chips

Tuesday

Local Night! $2 Tier 1 + $3 Tier 2 Beers from 4pm - 12am Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. Tipsy Tuesday, $3 draft of our beer geek’s choice

Line Dancing $2.00 Wells All Night

$3 You-Call-Its 1/2lb. Hamburger & Fries

Wednesday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: 1/2 off Tier 1 + Tier 2 Beers, Wells, Call and Wine 8 p.m. Geeks Who Drink Trivia

2-4 p.m., Happy Hour: $3 Michigan beers ($7.99 and less) and wells 4-6 p.m. Burger-Beer special: $7 for Classic burger and a pint of craft beer 6-9 p.m. WIMP 50cent wings (min 6); $6 1/2 lb mussels; 25% off pitchers

Comedy Open Mic Night $1.50 Retro Cans, $2 Drink Specials

$4 Sangrias Hand-Battered Onion Rings

SPECIAL NIGHT

Thursday

MONDAY: Mug Club Night!

Open 4pm - 12am: $2 Tier 1 + Tier 2 and 1/2 Off Burgers and Handhelds for Mug Clubber

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THE BAR GRID 21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

SUNDAY: $3 MI Drafts and $3 Call Drinks All Day! Live Celtic Music: 7-9 p.m Thirsty Thursday Happy Hour 4-7! $2 You Call Its 9PM-12AM 1/2 Off Food 8PM-10PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

21+only; Minors allowed with parent/guardian until 10

FRIDAY: $4 Maragritas $6.50 Labatt Pitcher

Taco Tuesday! Two great tacos for $3.00! $4.00 Margaritas and $2.00 Wells! Employee Handbook

$4 Long Islands $4.50 Long Beach $3 Heineken Bottles

2014 PBR Progression: $0.50 Drafts at 7pm Price Rises Every 30 Minutes ...and many other great drink and food specials!

MONDAY: Drunken Retort: Spoken word, music, poetry, open-mic 8 p.m. Drink specials during the show. Happy Hour 4-6 p.m.

SPECIAL NIGHT

$5 off all Burgers (the creature excluded) w/ purchase of a beverage from 6 to 11pm (Dine-In Only) Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Thursday

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Friday

Happy Hour 2-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Saturday

Rehab Brunch and Gong Show! $5 Build Your Own Bloody Mary bar from Noon to 5pm 1/2 off Jameson and $1 off Perrin and Founders Draft

Sunday

Happy Hour 4-7! Ladies Night: $4 Drink Menu (8PM-12AM) for Ladies, No Cover Until 11PM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$4 Maragritas $6.50 Labatt Pitcher

$4 Long Islands Beer and Shot Specials Dance party select Fridays! Great DJ with a club atmosphere! Revolving Event Night at Mullys!

Rotating Drink Specials! Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

$3 Guinness Bottles $3 Well Shot and Pop

Open Mic -- Kyler and Company in the house -PA system provided. Come to listen or bring your own instrument and play! Ladies Night--DJ in house spinning the best music every other Saturday! Talk to your bartenders for coming events!

$3 MI Drafts and $3 Call Drinks All Day! Live Celtic Music: 7-9 p.m

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1/2 off Apps Starting at 8pm $4 Bloody Mary Specials ...and many other great drink and food specials!

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$4 Jack and Coke $4 Tall Craft Brews

Karaoke at 9pm $1.75 Bartender’s Choice Shots ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Drunken Retort: Spoken word, music, poetry, open-mic 8 p.m. Drink specials during the show. Happy Hour 4-6 p.m.

Monday

$2 Well Shot and Pop $3 Tall Bud Light

Taco Tuesday! Two great tacos for $3.00! $4.00 Margaritas and $2.00 Wells!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Tuesday

$3 Jager Barrel $3 Tall Labatt

Wings! $0.50 Traditional Wings 6 wings with Domestic Pint for $4.99 ...and many other great drink and food specials!

Happy Hour 4-6pm: $1.50 Rolling Rock Draft $1.75 PBR Draft, $2 Well Drinks $1.25 Blatz Cans, $8 Pitchers of Sangria

Wednesday

Happy Hour 4-7! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM

Happy Hour 4-7! Open Mic Night! $2 Wells and Drafts $2 Off All Other Drinks 9PM-12AM Late Night Menu 10PM-12AM

PAGE 10 • THEBLACKSHEEPONLINE.COM

TOO TIRED!

HOW TO TELL IF YOU’RE JUST TOO DAMN LAZY Logan Bailey wrote this

College is a time for learning, adventure, and complete and utter laziness. So whether you’re pooping in the shower to avoid having to wipe or napping for 14 hours of the day, here’s how to tell that you’re just being too damn lazy. Seriously though, go get a job or something. It Starts With Hygiene: When you use dry shampoo for the 4th day in a row: Showers are hard, we get it, you have to wash your hair and your entire body. Who has time for that? Obviously not you. The least you can do is own up to your own filth, you animal. When you brush your teeth, get dressed, do your hair, and shave while on the toilet: Kudos on your time management, but something tells us that you just don’t want to stand up. Just be sure to flush, we know it’s a hassle. When you change out of your dirty pajamas into clean pajamas: When it’s been a long day of Netflix-binging and Dorito-eating, nothing feels better than changing out of your dirty work pajamas and hopping into the next pair of sweatpants. When you throw away dirty dishes so you won’t have to clean them: That three-day-old Velveeta is way too hard to scrub off a pot anyway, so just throw that thing in the trash. Your roommates probably have another one somewhere. You Can’t Stop Sleeping: When sleep is more important than eating: Your stomach is rumbling, but going downstairs for food doesn’t outweigh the comfort of your grandma’s afghan so you make a pillow out of Cheetos and munch as you nap. When you try justifying taking multiple naps a day: If you’re giving your all to being lazy and occasionally going to class, then goddammit you

deserve a cat nap. It’s not until you can’t get out of bed for your class that starts at five that you have a problem. When you fall asleep during sex: Maybe you were with someone and you passed out right in the middle. Maybe your hand got tired and you went to sleep covered in you own juices. Whatever happened, you need to wake up and finish what you started. When you stop using furniture other than your bed: You can’t study at a desk or sit on a chair! What if you fall asleep? Your bed understands all the complex grooves to your body. Why would you leave it? It Starts to Take Over Your Life: When your laundry keeps you fit: Jumping over your piles of clothes onto your bed is the only exercise you ever get. Just keep buying new underwear and socks. Everything else is whatever. When you take the 50 from Kirkhof to Mackinac Hall: Sometimes the wind is blowing and the snow is falling and that quarter mile becomes a scary, treacherous trek. Besides, there’s probably a bus just right around the corner. When you buy all of your groceries at the C-Store: Meijer is a full fifteen-minute drive or a half-hour bus ride with strangers! The C-Store is like right there. We read somewhere that pretzels and Golden Grahams are chock-full of vitamins, so you’re all good. When you still haven’t gone to that one class: If the professor didn’t take attendance you wouldn’t even think about going. Who wants to graduate on time anyway? Losers, that’s who. Why go to class when you can not go to class. We’d write a conclusion, but…whatever.

STUDENTS REACT TO GVSU SALT SHORTAGE Abby Dewstow wrote this

While you lay on your back after slipping on a patch of ice on Copeslope, one question crosses your mind: why are you paying $20,000 a year to go to a school that doesn’t even salt the sidewalks? Well, we have the answer, GV. We don’t have any salt! The weather in Grand Valley has proven to be bipolar and a massive bitch. With week-long snowstorms that accumulate a foot of snow, students are forced to lace up those snow boots and take a knee-deep walk to class. With all of the snow days between November and January, GV has used up their entire salt reserve, and there is now an extreme salt shortage. Yes, the walkways are plowed. And the heated sidewalks are trying to fight their way through five inches of thick ice, but nothing beats a wellsalted sidewalk. “With the anticipation of another terrible winter salt prices have shot up,” salt-enthusiast, Brine Saltine told us, “GV has no choice but to give up on the well-salted walkways and hope that no student goes as far as to sue GV for their broken bones.” Is it really fair though, to the students of GV, for the school to spend millions on new buildings, but sit back and laugh while their students drop left and right because they didn’t wear ice skates to school that day? “I might as well just start salting a pathway to class each night myself,” third-year student Demetri Marvin stated, “then I wouldn’t have to fear death as much.”

The student body is rebelling against the salt shortage. Salt shakers from Fresh have begun to disappear in the night. Evidence suggests that the stolen salt is being used for the safety of the common folk, and this group of students have become the heroes of GV. With a utility belt of hidden salt shakers, the Neighborhood Salt Watch spends their nights meticulously spreading table salt on sidewalks for the safety of the students. Clearly the group is sending a message to the higher ups that they cannot withhold the safety of salt from the students. By our calculations, Grand Valley is paying dearly for their lost salt shakers, spending more money replacing them than if they just gave in and agreed to salt the walkways. “Look, I don’t really care who salts the sidewalks,” President T. Haas explained at a press conference. “If the vigilantes wanted to send a message they should’ve covered my car in salt. If they’re salting the sidewalks, why would we? We’re just not going to use salt in the cafeteria anymore and then we’ll see who quits first. You’re only hurting your taste buds when you don’t go out and buy your salt. I really don’t give a shit.” More recently the salt shakers have begun pouring water on the president’s car (at his recommendation) and leaving menacing notes that say “If we freeze, you’re freezing with us.” Hopefully sometime soon Haas learns to give a shit or there’s going to be a lot of students raiding the athletic department (students have to make snow shoes somehow and they’re sure as hell not buying their own tennis rackets).

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN? 0 E t of 1 R SCO 4 ou

1. Sports: Who was the MVP of Super Bowl XLIX?

6. World Politics: What country recently elected the leftist Syrizia Party into power?

2. Brand Mascots: What brand mascot is easily identified by his monocle, top hat and cane?

7. Video Games: The Mario Kart franchise first debuted on what system?

3. Television: What TV show introduced the concept of a “Treat Yo Self Day”? 4. Geography: What is the most populous capital city in the world? 5. Texting: In text lingo what does “IMHO” stand for?

CHRISTOPHER TOTH

PROFESSOR IN DEPT. OF WRITING

8. Music: What Beatles member is featured on Rihanna’s new single, “Four Five Seconds”? 9. Games: In a normal game of darts, what’s the highest score one can score in a 3-dart set? 10. Food: What part of a pig does a ham hock come from?

Professor Toth’s Answers

Correct Answers

1. Tom Brady 2. Peanut Guy 3. I don’t watch TV... 4. Beijing 5. In my honest opinion 6. I don’t know 7. Nintendo 64 8. Paul McCartney 9. 150 10. Hind quarters

1. Tom Brady 2. Mr. Peanut 3. Parks & Recreation 4. Beijing, China 5. In my honest/humble opinion 6. Greece 7. Super Nintendo 8. Paul McCartney 9. 180 10. Leg

THE DRINKING GAME

RECIPE FOR DISASTER

HAIR OF THE DOG

HEADACHE HAM

Man, last night was wild. It’s 9 a.m. and you’re hungover as shit, plus your neighbor’s dog won’t shut the hell up. We can take care of this. NO, we’re not “taking care of” the dog, you sick bastard. We’re taking care of that hangover. What You’ll Need: Earplugs, earmuffs, enough alcohol to bark like a pup. Number of Players: Just you and man’s best friend. Level of Intoxication: Let’s just say it’ll be a RUFF night (when you’re done with this game, we promise that will be funny). How to Play: - Take two drinks every time you hear the dog bark. - Finish your drink every time you think, “I’d rather be dead right now.” - Take a shot when you hit that moment where you stop thinking about your hangover, then you remember you feel like a little cartoon man blew off a TNT stick in your brain. - Take a pull when you stumble over to your open window and yell, “Oh SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU NEVER EVEN CALLED ME BACK” to a canine. The Game Ends When: You pass out or the dog falls asleep.

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Alright, ya’ HAM. It’s getting well into the semester now and you’re still acting like a floppy piece of meat, sitting there on your couch doing nothing. Now let’s get some protein in you and get to work. What You’ll Need: A fat slice of ham, some salt, a lack of dignity. Fatty Factor: If you don’t clog your arteries, we’ll never get you to leave the house. Let’s Get Baked: - Remove your overly gigantic ham from the freezer (now Justin will stop complaining about how you “moved his chicken to the fridge and it defrosted”). - Stick that bad boy in a comically large pot of boiling water (this will defrost it and heat it up). - Drain the water and pop it in the oven. - Take a picture of it cooking (for Instagram, duh). - Remove it and drop some salt on it: Wa-la, you’ve got yourself a salty ham. Now that you’re too full to even go upstairs to watch TV, hopefully you’ve collapsed next to an open textbook. This way, you’ll have nothing else to do but do that assigned reading while the paramedics come to take you away.

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